Thursday, June 30, 2011

When it Comes to Bein' Lucky He's Cursed, When it Comes to Lovin' Me, He's Worst

Shannon’s Story – Part X

Part X of a series written from my wife’s perception of our life together.  Part I of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking…..
I’ll admit I like Karaoke.  I don’t do it often and usually have to be coaxed but I usually get a lot of compliments when I do sing.  I have a karaoke version of this song on my I-pod and I love to sing in the car when I’m by myself which is often when I’m on the road.  The last time I sang this song was at a bar in Denver during a conference.  I agreed to do it partly to avoid one very drunk client that was all over me, hint – Karaoke can be a very good escape from an unwanted male suitor.  Of course Brent was there and did nothing to stop him, enjoying the game as it was and seeing me squirm.  Anyway, I do like this song and also like to sing Linda Ronstadt songs.

But back to my story, did I mention Ryan always screws things up?  As tough as life was in the fall of 2004 as we began to prepare for the holidays in early December I had started to come to some acceptance of the situation.  In spite of the pending divorce I did like our new house on the East coast.  Also, we had plenty of fun holiday plans for going into DC (it is lovely around the holidays) and I had some extended time with Brent on the horizon.

On one of my trips we had a car in the shop so Ryan had to take me to the airport and subsequently pick me up a few days later.  I had a late flight and we had about a one hour drive home so I was in no mood for talking.  Well, no mood to talk to Ryan as in addition to a hard week of work I had had a few wonderful days with Brent so really I had planned on sleeping in the car on the ride home.

About 15 minutes into the drive Ryan abruptly says “I want you to drop the divorce.”  I curtly said no, this was not what I wanted to be talking about right now.  He kept pressing and I kept saying no.

And then he said it, “I know that you and Brent are having an affair.  Stop it now and stop the divorce and we can move forward. I still love you.”

Notice he didn’t say quit my high paying job!  I couldn’t believe this, after all this time he’s trying to BS me into sleeping with him, I wasn’t buying this.  And, of course, I denied the affair and said how do you know.

Well, you remember what I said about my little mistake in Ryan’s office in my last post?  Here is where it came back to bite me.  Apparently, Ryan had been following my e-mails and had seen the trail of blackberry messages between Brent and myself two days earlier from my Outlook.  Ryan had even seen some suspicious e-mails as far back as August when he was snooping on my computer.  But I continued to deny.  Then he said he had gotten a private investigator, I was floored – this was not like Ryan.  He said the PI saw us go upstairs in the hotel but never saw me leave (I was supposed to be in my new apartment that night).  Of course, that was the truth – Brent and I enjoyed a luxurious hot tub evening and I certainly didn’t leave.  But I continued to deny and Ryan eventually gave up on the subject.  That Friday was about 1 week before Christmas so we maintained a tense détente over the holidays.

Unfortunately, my temper gets the better of me and about two weeks later I got angry at Ryan and in a furor said “yes, I’m screwing Brent!”  I did it to hurt him but of course we all ended up getting hurt.

And so began the ridiculous dance we had over the next several months.  I said, I was ending things with Brent and at times I thought I might.  But a few weeks later Ryan called a hotel we were both staying at in Michigan when Brent was not supposed to be there.  At this point Ryan asked me on every trip if Brent was going to be there.  On this trip I had told him that Brent was not going to be there, I was surprised that Ryan would call the hotel to verify that.  This happened a few more times where Ryan would call a hotel and find out that both Brent and I were there when we were not supposed to be together.  Then there was the time that Ryan found a Starbucks coffee receipt from Chicago Midway when I was supposed to be in Milwaukee.  I had decided to fly into Chicago and just drive up to Milwaukee so I could be with Brent.

Eventually, I became more careful.  Brent and I started corresponding on private e-mail.  But Ryan must have noticed this and was able to break into that e-mail as well and I was again exposed.

Another time, Ryan guessed my blackberry password and caught me.

The truth though, that we were both ignoring at the time, was that I had no desire to end the affair with Brent and I was no longer in love with Ryan.  We did go through marriage counseling but I really had little desire to let Brent go.  The paradox was that life had a certain balance now.  Ryan is a good dad and most of the time we get along OK.  We had been married for over 10 years now, had two beautiful daughters and I really didn’t want to give up on that life.  I didn’t know what I wanted!  Or perhaps I did but didn’t want to admit that this life of deceit (family on the East Coast, affair in the Midwest) was becoming my norm.  Could that actually be something one would desire?

So 2004 faded into 2005 and then into 2006 and on into 2007.  Ryan did get a lawyer and was able to get the divorce tossed out.  Apparently since the girls didn’t live in that county nor did we have any property there anymore, the judge determined that he couldn’t rule on a divorce.  If only Ryan could use his energy for something that might make me have feelings for him again?  By the time the divorce did get thrown out I had basically conceded to my East Coast family life with a Midwest career and affair. 

Over these years there were times when Ryan and I would be intensely angry with one another and then there were times when I really didn’t think he cared.  I’m not sure Ryan cared about anything anymore other than his work, the girls, and his favorite college teams, certainly not me.  At least at this point the girls were his first priority, a first for him.

What did change slowly over time were my feelings toward Brent.  We had some very special times, like the time he took me to his hometown.  But eventually it just became a challenge to connect in some Midwest hotel to screw.  I wanted more.  I spoke with him about finding time to take a vacation to the UP in Michigan or to just stay on his land in Minnesota.  He would always agree that we should do that and promise to find the time but it never happened.  As time went on I realized it never would.

Authors Note:

I originally wrote my first entry of Shannon’s Story just to try it on for size.  I had read many female blogger’s accounts of their relationships with their husbands and I certainly knew my impression of my wife.  What I found intriguing was to try to strike a balance.  What I know is that Shannon has the capacity to be a complete bitch.  What I also know is that I’m no gem either and that she is not always a bad person – in fact she is a great mom and a supremely talented, brilliant, and engaging person that people always seem hopelessly drawn to.  The reality of our life probably lies somewhere in between.  So I wanted to try to find that truth through her voice as I worked my way back through our history.

What surprised me was the reaction by other bloggers.  I have gotten many more comments on my Shannon posts than any others.  So what I thought at first would be a handful of posts grew to what I projected to be a round 10 posts.  And now that I’m at 10 I don’t think I’m quite through with the story.  So perhaps we will venture forward just a bit more in the coming months (who knows)?  We are both still here and there have certainly been plenty of bumps in the road since those tense days back in 2004/05.

I think I told you Shannon looks a bit like Kate and you know I look a bit like that guy next to her (right?) :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

Some Girls Don’t Like Boy Like Me, Aww but Some Girls Do

I gotta admit Sawyer Brown is a guilty pleasure.  I think I mentioned long ago in one of my Shannon’s Story posts that we lived in the Deep South many years ago.  As I was thinking about this post and this song came to me, I remembered that scene in the Blues Brothers when they are performing at the Redneck bar.  They ask the bartender what music the people like and she says “we have both kinds of music here Country and Western!”  Well, that was kind of like it was down there in the Deep South – not too much Cure or Nirvana to be heard.  So out of necessity I developed an enjoyment of Sawyer Brown, Garth, Blackhawk, George Strait, etc, call it a weakness J

Btw if you ever go to Tiger Stadium at LSU you will always be inspired by “Callin’ Baton Rouge!”  Although I prefer the New Grass Revival Version over Garth’s (love Bela Fleck).

But this post is not about music and the Deep South, it’s my next post about Sandra.  As you know - some girls (like Shannon) don’t like boys like me; ahhh but one girl (Sandra) did!

In my blog timeline my last post about Sandra at our little country getaway was in mid-September.  That little area would tend to become ours.

I guess affairs like a lot of things in life tend to settle down just like a marriage and you become “boring old cheating people.” :)

And so it was with she and I as we drifted into October and then onto and through the Winter.

Sandra and I tended to see each other every other week.  It seemed one week we would just meet for lunch at that little country inn or some other place in the area and the other week – well let’s just say that would be more blog-worthy.  Although really while I could write about the 3rd, 4th, 5th time, etc. how many times can I write and say “she ripped off my clothes and said take me now – and so I took her and we traveled to mysterious worlds of passion in a galaxy far, far, away – yada, yada,…..!"  But we did get fairly comfortable with that little Motel 6 type place just off the highway but out in the country.

Sex was always good.  And I can't tell you how intoxicating it is to be with someone who can't wait to see you and who is completely in the moment with you.  Several times Sandra has mentioned "oh my friends would love to meet you but I'm keeping you to myself!"  Oh to be coveted, such delicious bliss!  Not only was it fun to perform for someone who truly enjoyed, but it was so satisfying to be with someone who wanted to perform for me!

Early on I felt compelled to write regularly via e-mail.  But I came to find that Sandra was not really into e-mail, IM'ing, chat'ing, etc.  She just enjoyed when we could be together.  So it was wonderful that we just saw each other when we could and had no expectations of one another.  Certainly there were times when we would have to cancel on one another but there was never any anger or jealously - just gladness when we were together.

At times as I began to read other blogs I started to wonder if something was wrong with me.  So often I read bloggers speak of the intense desire to be with one's lover and the ache at not being able to on a daily basis.  I have to admit I didn't feel that way and I'm quite sure Sandra didn't either.  I guess to borrow a Sex in the City term and I hope this doesn't sound crude, we were "sex buddies."  Providing a need for one another, sex, but also sharing friendship that didn't put one another in a box.  I guess that's not so bad.

Many times just meeting for lunch was in fact more enjoyable - I got the time to spend with a friend without any of the guilt or concern about potentially having to explain where I was for four hours in the afternoon if I wasn't in my office.  Thankfully, I have enough community involvement activities that I can always cash in as "a long meeting I had to attend away from the office," but I truly didn't ever want to have to play that card.

Yeah, a guy should be able to get used to this, shouldn't he!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I’m Mad as Hell and I’m not Going to Take it Anymore!

Today I substitute a movie quote in place of lyrics for a change.  And also since I have your attention I will try to explain my insanity.

No, this won’t be a tea party rant; I believe I’ve told you I’m a left of center kind of guy.  But perhaps you are thinking now that I am a latter day de Tocqueville and will discuss the current state of Democracy in America (btw he co-wrote that historic treatise with a guy named Gustave de Beaumont).  Or perhaps I could give you an analysis of how current tea-partiers and right-wingers misinterpret their desired interpretation of the Jeffersonian ideals of Democracy, failing to understand the reality of Jefferson’s desired intents of a Utopian world created around the hope of academic learning.  Hmmm…, wouldn’t that be wonderful if I was into that kind of thoughtyness.  But, I’m the type of guy who creates fake female accounts on Ashley Madison for research on better ways to pick up women; I’m the guy that imagines Riff Dog in a spoofed “A Few Good Men” courtroom scene and who makes up lyrics to 80’s songs to try to hit on female bloggers.  So really, don’t you think I am way too shallow for anything academic?

No, I’m pissed off for two very important reasons.  First, these two old guys were on my favorite stair masters Monday night.  These are the ones where I can surveille the entire gym while appearing to innocently watch the news on the big screen TVs.  I have the ability to watch the hot fitness instructor who tends to play racquetball in the afternoon, I can see the gym where they sometimes do step aerobics, and best of all I can see the stretching room where the cheerleaders do those awesome ab exercises with that weird big plastic ball (you know the one where they roll over the ball back and forth – god, so HOT, yes I’m fanaticizing that its my big balls).  Yeah right, all this lost because these two old guys want to work out and watch FOX news of all things.  Jeez!

And then, when I do get to my machine, horror of horrors its Glenn Beck time.  OMG, its bad enough I missed the booty call in the stretching room, now I have to sweat off 700 calories in the next 30 minutes while watching that pasty-faced goober!  It’s enough to drive a man crazy and that is where I was last night!  Now tell me again Glenn, how we can conclude based on your analysis that President Obama is in cahoots with Chairman Mao and the aliens from planet Tralfamadore to take over the global banking system? 

Oh wait, this is a sex blog – so where’s the sex.  Yeah right.  Well the quote above is from the 1975 movie Network.  The quote was made by Peter Finch’s character in the movie who was a network anchor that had been recently fired for poor ratings.  Funny how fiction has become reality, now that we have news organizations that center their analysis on what sells!  Anyway, the movie also stars Faye Dunaway (who kind of reminds me of Sandra) and who I love to see in that nude scene in Bonny and Clyde (another favorite of mine).

w/those legs who cares what's said!
And while I’m on the subject of FOX and getting rid of anchors, if you have to talk about all that crap can’t you kick Hannity off too and just keep to those hot anchors like Megyn Kelly, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Julie Banderes, and Laurie Dhue (my personal favorite).  At least I could just tune out and enjoy those long legs and full lips!  I even have a secret fantasy about Kate Obenshain; she’s soooo close to me yet so far away (I’ll let you draw the conclusions).

Well, I guess I should say last night was better.  I had a real treat as the gym's TV was set to AMC and Conan was on.  What a joy to see Sandahl Bergman's tight ass and beautifully shaped abs!  And I love the fight scene when Ahhhhnold takes down Thulsa Doom's hinchmen, I think they were played by Lemmy from Motorhead and one of the guys from Iron Maiden or maybe Ronnie James Dio.

Anyway, these were just a few of the things I have been thinking about.  Hey don’t look at me; you’re the one reading a blog about the thoughts and adventures of a regular guy!  You ought to know there is some weird and worthless crap going on in the mind of any given male!  Surely you don’t think we just sit around thinking about mowing the lawn and what’s for dinner.

Monday, June 20, 2011

88 Lines About 44 Women (bloggers)

The other day Richard Blade from XM's First Wave played the song below by the Nails.  Please take a quick listen to get the rhythm.  Rarely in my life do moments of inspiration occur for me, let's face it - I'm not that deep!  But by the end of the ride I decided that I owed the world and more importantly the women of the bloggosphere an Ode!  So soon I started to mentally write my version of 88 Lines about 36 Women (& 24 Bloggers) - my ode to some of the ladies who inspire me!

88 Lines About 36 Women (& 24 Bloggers)
by Ryan B

Belle Amie was the first to Follow
Now I'm sure she doth think me Hollow
Kimberly was my first girl blog desire
If I could have her I know I would retire
Jane you are so non-PC
You must think me a complete weenie
Misty one day I'll see you at the track
If I do I probably won't come back

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Southern Red I love your town
I'm just so glad you didn't drown
Agnes why are you so fraught
Come stay with me I'll make sure we don't get caught
Scarlett your boy names sound so English
Ryan's Irish how'd you like that dish 
Wave Rider that profile pic is fun, it fills me with glee
I drive right past it don't you see

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Rocker Girl that girl is you
What's on your mind tell me true
Ella I like when you write of the Shire
I'd be glad to jump on, I'm for hire
J you seem to like your vodka
Wow, nothing rhymes just let me be your Screwdriva'
Me you say you want some suga'
Change that to salt and chase me down with tequila

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Lady Inconspicuous I love that you like bluegrass
But my o' my you have one fine as. (pair of eyes) :)
Elle you are so young and fine
If I were not so old I'd make you mine
Coquette if Riff is not enough for you
Fly to DC, we know how to screw
And Riff some say you are a gal
So that is why I include you now

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Pocket Rocketz your FFF's are fun
But don't let that mascara run
Suburban Mom I'm sure you're hot
But I'm a foodie too, I enjoy reading what's in your pot
Dusty Bunny your blog is a bit creepy
Counting down to Halloween I see, I still read it with glee
Sadie, wow you wrote the book
Now what can I do to get a look

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

OK so since I don't read enough
Let's search my blog to get more stuff
Miranda you seemed so cute and sassy
A secret pic from your wedding now that was classy
Beach Bunny you're always online
I write and write to no reply
Suzanne you said I was an ass
I'm sure you're not to be the last

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Ciao Bella you really like your shoes
I wish I could've taken off those Jimmy Choos
E Red you want a Sugar Daddy
I'm not real liquid but I know you'd like this laddy
Brian are you looking for the walrus?
That was John but what about us
Renee sometimes I still see you at the gym
No rhyme hear 'cause in my mind I just say damn your fine

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Alecia you never did say no
You just didn't tell me where to go
Sandra thanks for all you do
Yeah that's an easy rhyme 'cause I surely like doing it with you
Leah you love to chat and chat
I wonder if you'd actually come back
Keeley ooh I loved that accent it was a wonder
You made me enjoy it all down under

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Spring Flower I wrote about your dreams
Now I want to make you scream
GLNO for some reason your travels seem like my wife
but its no cause I think for strife
Cracklin' Rosie your a store bought woman
but you make me sing like a guitar hummin'
Sorry Rosie I didn't mean to steal
'Cause your comments always keep it real

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

 Shannon dear I list you here
But you truly make me need to drink a beer
Because I take all your shit
Surely you'd let me lick your clit
And since I just cut the grass
Why oh why can't I have some (gl)ass
Ah but dear you are still so fine
I wish I still enjoyed you slowly like sweet red wine

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Kat you know you have such class
You tell us how to *uck your ass
And I know your always on the prowl
One day I would like to make you howl
Holly I save you for last
'cause reading you I always have a blast
But Holly dear I think I like you best
One day you might just be my quest

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Hey, I'm on Facebook now!!/profile.php?id=100002464477196
You ever notice how this blog always seems to post things right after Riff posts something???  Don't you just hate a shameless leech!  :)  Hey, and I just moved up to reading on a 5th grade level so if I missed you be patient, I'm trying to catch up - I'm sure I can come up with more stupid lyrics somewhere down the road!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Take Me Away to Nowhere Plains there is a Wait so Long

“So long, so long….

Da da da da da da daaaah!

Here comes your post (man)

Big tale on the blog-shere writin’….”

Oops, sorry I was intending to write something, not slander Pixie lyrics.  Which btw, I am trying to work something up that to me is really really big!  Which really means it will be a mindless waste of time.  I’m trying to re-write some lyrics to an 80’s song I heard the other night and morph it into a celebration of some of my favorite (lady) blogs.  So assuming I have plenty of time to waste this week I’ll try to have it out some time next week.  I can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

So the last time I was with Sandra we just had lunch at a little country inn.  And we promised that the next time we met we would skip lunch and go right to what we had met each other for in the first place.

So the next time came the next week.  I got a reservation at a hotel between us that was just up the road from that inn.  I arrived a few minutes early and went up to the room and dropped off my duffel bag. 

I don’t know why I always take my duffel bag.  It does have a brush, cologne, tic-tac’s, and some useful stuff along with my work-out gear.  I guess it’s just that in the check in process having a piece of potential luggage legitimizes the process (for me at least).  I doubt the very nice girl at the front desk really cared though as she told me about next morning’s Continental Breakfast I would not likely be around to enjoy.

Sandra called a few minutes later and I could see her drive up from the scenic parking lot view from the window.  I walked down to meet her.  She was in all black today – very hot and she was driving her Jeep today rather than the Beemer (also hot).  We walked up the stairs and past the hotel engineer, I wonder if we made him think of something other than the HVAC he was preparing to work on?

I opened the room door and walked ahead toward a bottle of wine I was going to open.  Sandra grabbed me around the waste from behind and said my panties are already wet!

So suddenly I forgot about the wine and turned around and we kissed and I pulled her in tight to my chest.  We stayed there for a few minutes but then I worked my mouth down to her neck and then to her breast.  She didn’t delay the suspense as she took off her dress and threw it on the chair and then took off her heels.

She then gently nudged me onto the bed and unbuttoned my shirt and then my pants.  I leaned back and she crawled on top of me.  She was now on all fours on top of me, kissing me and moving her hands slowly underneath my undershirt.

After my shirt was off she rose up and took off her bra and panties and then took off my mine (underwear that is – not panties)!

Without hesitation she moved on top of me and I was in her in an instance.  She was very wet.  I just leaned back and enjoyed her on top of me.  For the next few minutes she alternated grinding on top of me and leaning down and burying my face in her breasts.

After about 5 minutes she started to tense up a bit.  I accelerated my penetration and soon after she had an orgasm that I would more accurately describe as an eruption.

I shudder at sounding like a rookie but really I had never experienced anything like this.  Pouring a pitcher of water onto my crotch would be as accurate a description of the feel of the sheer volume of liquid that poured out onto me as saying she had an intense orgasm.  For a moment I thought we had gone down the "golden road" but it wasn't that warm.

Sandra giggled, smiled, and apologized but really no apology was needed – that was fantastic!

I was not quite finished yet so we rolled over kissed and had sex for another 5 minutes or so until I came.

Then as before we just cuddled and talked.  It was very comfortable.  Sandra is someone who wants to please; sometimes I feel a bit guilty just laying there listening to her and enjoying the feel of her long nails gentle tickle across my chest back and forth.

Of course, I love a good shower so eventually we moved there.  A nice long, relaxing shower with plenty of kissing and oral stimulation pumped us up for a wet round II starting off from behind and ending up on top.

So again, all is good.  I think the second time may be the charm here and I don’t think I have said anything stupid like I did with Alecia.

At least by the fact that we were already talking about the next time as we left, I assumed I was a prized commodity!

“Da da da da da da daaaah!

there goes your post (man)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'll Just Sit Tight through Shadows of the Night and Let it Ring for Evermore

A 1970’s song from Electric Light Orchestra (ELO) about calling on an old land line and letting the phone ring and ring because nobody answers.  Such an alien concept, hell that song was written even before answering machines were in vogue!

So here we are now in 2011 and with all these electronic devices still just trying to connect J

So today’s point is more about e-mail rather than telephones although with iPhones, Droids, Blackberries, etc. those lines are certainly starting to blur.  My point is “how many e-mail accounts does it take to have an affair?”

Back many years ago when Shannon was in graduate school I remember her getting an e-mail account at school.  It was intriguing because now a few times a week she could correspond with my dad who also had e-mail back there in the mid-90’s.  I had heard of Lotus Notes a few years back, but this world wide web thing seemed even better!

About a year later we finally got a home computer and signed up for AOL.  And I finally had an e-mail account although it was really Shannon’s and we just shared.  But we really didn’t have anyone to e-mail anyway so what did it matter.  I even used that old AOL address for work for several years.  And that is where things stayed until around 2000.

I didn't actually get a company e-mail address until late 1999 (still using that shared AOL up to that point), just getting in under that Y2K catastrophe (did anyone actually get any fallout).  By then you could get all the news on Yahoo so AOL didn’t seem relevant anymore so we dropped that service and I still just had one e-mail address just like I had one home address – things still seemed normal to a Gen-X child like me.

Through Yahoo I found out about Yahoo Groups.  And one techie friend of mine from high school had started one for my graduating class.  Hearing stuff about old friends seemed cool and you needed a Yahoo account so I signed up.  And oh by the way you got a Yahoo e-mail.  Well, it seemed like it would be good to send personal e-mail by way of a personal address rather than work so it seemed like a good idea.  So I was finally the proud owner of a second e-mail address.  This was kind of like owning a time-share now in addition to my primary home.  And with that new Yahoo account I could now play stupid games like NCAA Tourney pick-em’ and Fantasy Football, etc.

So technology was growing but not yet exponentially.  I pretty much stayed there for several years.

Then Facebook hit around 2006 and I got on the bandwagon.  So now I have my work e-mail, Yahoo, and Facebook.  We now truly have a second home at the beach so to speak!

Then about a year ago (as you know with my blog) I found Ashley Madison.  So now I have work e-mail, Yahoo, Facebook, and Ashley Madison.  Quite a bit to manage, but is it enough to have an affair?

You know the answer - not quite!

You see, I enjoy using my personal Yahoo account at home and I certainly can’t have one of my AM gals send a note to the account I may have open while I’m checking my Fantasy stats!  So I sign up for a second Yahoo e-mail and I can chat as well when I’m doing vital things at work.

So now I have work e-mail, Yahoo I, Yahoo II, Facebook, and Ashley Madison.  Wow, I guess we have the house, a condo at the beach, and a chalet in the mountains.  And, more importantly, we are getting close to acquiring the needed vehicles for executing a proper affair!

Of course after meeting someone on Ashley Madison I start to assume that they may take offense if they log on and see I was just there about 1 hour ago simply because curiosity got the better of me!  So I get another Ashley Madison account just in case I find someone that is too enticing to pass up.

Btw, rip off alert - Ashley Madison will charge you 25 credits for transferring credits accross accounts!

So now I have work e-mail, Yahoo I, Yahoo II, Facebook, Ashley Madison I, and Ashley Madison II.  And I won’t even talk about the Married but Playing and AFF type accounts as I found them to be worthless pretty quickly and thus moved on.  And yes, BINGO - we have our first success on AM!  But, as with so many things in life success is really never the end, it just shows us the doors to more opportunities!

Then about 8 months ago I started blogging.  I originally had my blog connected to my Yahoo e-mail account.  Quickly, however, I found that upon responding to a comment the receiver could see my name and the information I had on my Yahoo account.  That info might have been relevant to a certain chosen lady I was pursuing in my area but wasn’t exactly something I needed to share with someone from Seattle or Bangladesh!  Additionally, at present, I couldn’t chat with any of my blog friends so I had some significant challenges.  So I got my first Gmail address.

So now I have work e-mail, Yahoo I, Yahoo II, Facebook, Ashley Madison I, Ashley Madison II, and Gmail.  OMG, that's like a home, beach house, ski chalet, and private mischief condo in Arlington!  Hey, I'm starting to sound like a congressman - yeah, I've almost arrived!

But wait!  I start to notice that a lot of bloggers have Facebook accounts.  Wow, I would love to be Riff Dog’s friend.  But I certainly can’t “friend” Riff from my personal Anthony Weiner Facebook (that’s not actually my name, btw)!  So the other day I get the bright idea to start a Ryan Beaumont Facebook account.

So now I have work e-mail, Yahoo I, Yahoo II, Facebook I, Facebook II, Ashley Madison I, Ashley Madison II, and Gmail.  Wow!  Now I've gone way beyond time share or second home; we are now into the rhelm of one of those real estate Ponzi-like schemes sort of like the ones Ponch from CHiP's sells on TV.

I guess the only thing left is Twitter.  But I guess I still have Presidential aspiration so maybe I should hold off on that venue for now – you guys aren’t going to sell me out if you ever see me on FOX or MSNBC are you? J

But, you know, I still forget to get the right stuff Shannon wants from the store on the way home from work!  And from this blog it appears I still just get laid about 2 times a month.  L

Oh well, C’est la vie!

How many address do y’all have???

Friday, June 10, 2011

Gotta Get Your Lovin'

A long time ago I started a blog just to get some thoughts down on paper and to perhaps emulate some others that I had begun to admire.  After a few days I started to see that I had actually gotten a few hits.  And then I finally got a comment, I guess I was relevant.  Or at least someone thought it worthy to say something about my experiences.

Well, the other day someone wrote to me asking that I pass something along to my readers.  My readers? Wow - thanks for thinking so well of me.  So my readers would include a few people I slobber attention on, 2 oddballs in Malaysia, 1 guy named Borat in Kazakhstan, and a very affectionate Nigerian princess who says she will be all mine if I send her a cashiers check for $40,000!

But if your still interested here you go.  A cool band in Boulder, CO (The Amends) would like you to listen to some new music - some of which tends to focus on extracurricular relationship material.  My personal favorite though is a Dance song (see below).

Take a listen, I think you'll like them.  They are on Facebook as well so "like" them there as well!  If you want to read about them here are some links.  They have very raw rock/blues sound but several of the songs will get you moving.

Facebook link here:

And here is a link to more songs:!/theamends

But I guess before I get too big headed I should say that Me, from The Secret Life of Me mentioned The Amends yesterday so I guess they are casting a big net - but I appreciate persistence and they are good.  Let's see if you can get Riff to take a listen though he is the guy you really need!

And for my next groupie I'll take any lady that just wants me for my mind!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Well I Hope You Won't See Me In my Ragged Company

It was not my original intent for this blog to speak about past adventures.  But a few weeks ago I wrote “A Night in the Life of Ryan Beaumont – on Tobacco Road,” an obvious rip-off from the River Phoenix movie “A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon.”  But I had such a good time with it that I put on my calendar to do at least one follow up.  And I did leave a bit of a sequel opportunity at the end of the post.  I mentioned that I never saw Whitney again but it was because I met another girl soon after.

So obviously here is the continuation of the story which will segue into a point at the end so try to stay with me even if you’re only reading ever fifth word until I get to some sex (which as you know from my blog may never happen).

But first some housekeeping.  Why would I choose a lyric from a Rolling Stone’s song about shooting heroin?  Well, I’m glad to say that is just part of the story.  No I don’t shoot heroin!  There was this duo that played that song every Sunday night at a bar I went to with friends in my new town.  This one friend was dating a girl who was friends with Natalie and that is how I met Natalie, the girl who made me quickly forget about Whitney.  Although I still think about my jacket!  In fact a Facebook friend recently tagged me in an old college photo of me in that jacket and I do say I look quite dapper!

Back to Natalie though, funny thing about girls, you know we get it in our mind that it is so hard to figure them out, though many times it is.  But I have found that if a girl walks up to you in a bar and starts talking to you and then just doesn’t leave and maybe laughs at your stupid jokes then she just might be interested in you!  Well, my sample size on that study is only about 3 but so far it’s been fairly accurate!  J

And so it was with Natalie.  She had just graduated from college and I would later learn had just broken up with her high school sweet-heart (can you say OPPORTUNITY)!  But Ryan, you are always the shoulder to cry on not a flagrant opportunist, right?  Wrong!  Natalie was quite hot!  A little on the shorter side based on my history (maybe 5’3”ish) with silky shoulder length straight red hair and beautiful blue eyes.  Well, and yes, she had a very nice pair of ti...(knees), and a great as...(mind)!

I had seen Natalie out at this bar on a previous Sunday and another bar this same group played at on Thursday’s as well.  So toward the end of this particular night that I noticed her interest I said “we should go out some time, have you been to the comedy club – I’ve been wanting to go?”  And she said yes!  Meaning, she wanted to go out with me, not just simply go to the comedy club.  So I got her phone number and put it on a piece of paper (long before we put people in our phones).  I talked to her during the week to confirm that date and we ended up talking for a long time.  So as the next Saturday approached things were looking good.

On Saturday night I pulled up to her apartment (in my hot black sports car with sunroof, btw – long before I retired to the mini-van phase of my life) and she was waiting on the stoop (another good sign).  She stood up and walked down toward me.

DAMN!  She’s hot!  I mean she had looked good before but now she was wearing a tight black mini-skirt that just barely covered her butt, a tight sleeveless low cut white blouse that also left a whole lot of midriff to be seen (and appreciated), and shiny black high heeled pumps that perfectly accentuated her gorgeous legs.

I said “you look fantastic!”

And then she said what will lead into my point for the day.

Natalie: “thanks, I just went out and got this today”

So do you want to hear what happened on the date or my point of the day?

Too bad it’s my blog so you have to hear my point!  L

And today’s point is – Little Things Girls Do That Guys Like

I say little things because if I was going to write a blog about Big Things Girls Can Do That Guys Like -  well, that would just be a really short read with just three points including, and I quote Dave Chappelle here (so blame him, not me) “feed me, fuck me, and let me have some peace and quiet…”

So again, Little Things Girls Do That Guys Like

  • Like Natalie, tell us the sexy thing you are wearing you picked out just to look good for moi!
  • Like Natalie, you can be confident and not appear clingy and still show us how glad you are to see us!  So don’t make us wait too long.
  • Use gentle physical contact to guide us and let us know how much you enjoy touching us; a gently hand on the shoulder or shoulder slightly touching is sexy!
  • Complement us when we look good and let us know how much you appreciate the fact that we are looking good for you!
  • Like Whitney, enjoy wearing an article of our clothing!  Although, unlike Whitney I would have preferred seeing her in my button down shirt and nothing else rather than fully clothed and in my jacket but you get my point!
  • Like Shannon used to do, do a slow striptease and dance naked in front of us and tantalize us until we are about to burst but in the end don’t denigh us!  Well that kind of sounds like one of those big things or at least it leads to a big thing.
  • Try to enjoy a few things we like (e.g. sports) and be astounded by our knowledge – even if mundane; give us positive reinforcement to like what you like (meaning let us know how hot it is that we took you to a ballet).
  • I personally adore a girl who can sing.  I remember this one girl from an English class in college.  She was a bit of a hippie with that faint patchouli smell which has always turned me off.  But she was in a band I went to see often and she did a great Chrissie Hynde so I couldn’t help but have a little crush on her.
  • Oh, and drive a stick shift, I love a women who can drive manual transmission!

OK, I won’t leave you hangin’.  We had a great time at dinner and the comedy club but didn’t have sex that night.  We did enjoy a nice long “make-out” session on that brownstone-type stoop at the end of the night though.  The following week was some putt-putt with friends and then the next week was dinner and then that same group at a bar strategically located near my apartment.  And of course after a few beers nobody would want me to drive them across town so we went over to my place and the rest as they say is history.  Well, some great sex for about 3 months until she decided she wanted to return to the other tri-cornered geographic location in that particular state.

But I do think of Natalie and that summer and her beautiful pert and petite body on top of me in the afternoon and after the pool.  Taking off those bathing suits after being at the pool always seems to feel even more naked and satisfying doesn’t it!  And she felt so good moving onto and on top of me with her perfectly shaped breasts glistened in the sun through my window as they danced over me in the rhythm of our sex and those lovely piercing blue eyes gazing down on me like that Carolina blue sky!

Monday, June 6, 2011

When I Met You in the Restaurant, You Could Tell I was no Debutante

Shannon’s Story – Part IX

Part IX of a series written from my wife’s perception of our life together.  Part I of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking…..
Life moved quickly over the fall of 2004.  Ryan left in mid-September but he came back in early and late October and I was out there in late September.  It was at that early October trip back to the Mid-West where I told Ryan I filed for divorce.  About 1 hour later the sheriff showed up with the papers.  I did feel a twinge of guilt but I also felt it was something I had to do.

It was also odd because we had an accepted offer on a house back east.  We talked through the weekend and came up with a plan that we would buy the house and that Ryan would buy out my half within a year.  I began to look for apartments the next week and found one close to an airport and near one of my main cities not too far from where we currently lived.  I guess the thought was we would fly back and forth.  I think I wanted to believe this could work.  In hindsight I don’t think Ryan ever felt any of this would come to fruition and he should just wait it out, maybe he knew me better than I knew myself.

I did have a great trip to Florida for a conference in mid-October.  It was wonderful being there with Brent.  Even though we were busy we got to spend a lot of time together.

In late-November the day of reckoning finally came.  We moved out of our home.  I was gone all week.  Ryan had flown back to pack and get the house ready.  I simply came home on a Friday and found my life was on a truck.  We stayed at a hotel that night and the next day Ryan rented a van and moved the stuff I was taking to my new apartment about 2 hours away.  By Sunday Ryan was on a plane with our girls and the life I hadn’t asked for was now beginning.

A few days later I flew to our new town.  Ryan met the movers on a Monday and that quickly we were moved into our new home.  Five or more years ago this would have been a dream location, perhaps it still could be.  But no matter how good the cake tastes it’s never satisfying when someone is forcing you to eat it.

But simple little acts can make such a big difference.  I needed to work that day and I obviously couldn’t with movers and of course there was no internet yet.  So I went to Ryan’s office to work while he helped the movers.  Nothing of consequence happened that day as I sat at Ryan’s desk, except that unfortunately I didn’t deselect that “keep me signed in” button on my work e-mail.  A harmless error would now drive much of our life for the next few years.

But the fallout from that revelation was about three weeks away.  For now, it was Thanksgiving week and it was great to be just a 4 hour trip from my hometown and I enjoyed seeing family for the holiday.

Shannon had been to most of the film's ports
On Monday the real life started.  I kissed the girls that morning as they were still sleeping and then got into a car in the cold of the morning to drive to an airport to take a plane back to my work and life in the Midwest.  Later that morning Ryan would have the joy of waking up in his home with his girls in his new life.

Again, why did he get everything and I paid the price.  Yes, it would be so easy to capitulate but sometimes you need to take a stand for fairness!