Monday, March 26, 2012

When She Smiles My Way My Eyes Go Out in Vain She's Got Perfect Skin

Do we finally meet?

So Wednesday was a very dreary day.  Through the early part of the week Sandee had e-mailed me that she had thought about me as an old boy friend she had thought about "friending" on Facebook recently but had not.  I assured her that I was not that guy.  I was teasing her as well by wondering aloud if we already knew each other.  I told her I was hoping she was this real estate agent that I knew in my neighborhood that was really hot.   I told Sandee that I drive by her billboard (the agent's) every day on the way to work not to mention seeing her by the pool every day in the summer.  Now normally that is not the type of thing I would say to a gal I was trying to court but you see I still didn't believe this was going anywhere so I figured confident and a bit cocky may still be of good use.  You know, the guy thing where we make it out that we have other options even if we don't.   Or maybe it was sour grapes or something or some other silly guy impulse!     :)

She baited me back and asked if I was the neighborhood stud around the pool and of course I told her Yes!

Since Wednesday was so yucky there would be no walk, just lunch I guessed (or hoped).  Now that I knew she was local I knew she knew where the inn/restaurant was located.  This was in fact the same place that had that festival just two weeks ago where she supposedly got lost - I guess that was a fabrication as well (but I'm a forgiving soul).   I was a little concerned about seeing someone I knew at this inn.  But as long as Sandee didn't do any lapdancing on me I was OK.  I do enough meetings around town for a simple lunch with anyone to be observed as legit.  All things helping my mind pass the time.  I will say I was more nervous than I had been since Alecia.

We had said that we would meet at 1 pm.  I got there about 5 minutes early.  When my phone said 1:05 I thought to myself, "shit!"  I texted her; she said she was on the way.  I asked her what type of car she was in so I could walk up with my umbrella (it was raining) and she gave me a description.  A few minutes later I see her car pulling into the parking lot and I walked over.

Now understand, part of my nervousness is that I have no clue what she looks like; the pictures that she had sent previously were not her.  But I had resolved to meet her regardless, even if she was not attractive I was guessing she had a great personality and at this point I just had to meet the lady behind this mystery.   This was kind of cool - sort of like international espionage!

But as I walked up to her car I could tell right away there would be no disappointments with respect to looks.  Actually she looked like what our model friend will likely look like in about 15 years!  Which was A OK with me!

Of course she was checking her cell phone; why is it women always check their cell phone before they do anything nowadays?  It's kind of like having to have a teammate to go pee with; it just seems like something they do for no apparent reason.

Anyway, as I looked into her car I could see her long straight very blond hair.  She stepped out of the car revealing her petite 5 ft 4 figure.  She was wearing very tight jeans and a low cut red shirt with a white sweater.  I am more of a leg man but I did quickly note that perhaps her chest was in fact superior to our model friend.  Regardless, she is hot and immediately all those other AM girls were just a faint memory.

I walked up to her with my umbrella, smiled, and said "hello pen pal!"  She smiled back and said "it's nice to meet you....... are we having lunch?  Am I dressed appropriately?"

I said "yes," and we strolled into the quaint old country inn.

You know the one thing you have to be careful with on Ashley Madison is building up expectation.  Of course I had none on appearance as I had no clue what she looked like going in (a first for me I might add - although she knew what I looked like, Riff would be so ashamed of me).  But as for looks I could easily check off "better than expected."   But as for personality I had expected a silly, bombastic, playful, high-spirited Carmen Diaz type.  It didn't take long to realize that Sandee in person was pretty quiet.  Which is a challenge because I like to sit back and let others do the talking.  Actually, in spite of all that had happened, she seemed quite the ingenue (although just not as young as previously advertised).    :)

Over lunch the conversation went fine.  I still had a few interesting life stories held back and we talked about my job, our families, food, travel etc so everything turned out OK.  I had talked with her over the phone on two occasions so I knew she was very soft spoken.  I guess I had thought she might be different in person but in person she was more like the telephone Sandee than the e-mail Sandee.  I joked with her about reconciling that and she just said it takes awhile for her personality to come out and you have to get to know her.

Lunch went quickly, I paid the bill, and walked her to her car.  We made tentative plans to meet for a walk and perhaps a picnic next week.

All in all I was psyched!  I guess that is a silly thing to say but it seemed like Sandee would bring out my easy going side.  And even though I usually enjoyed women who were more outgoing than I; what I really enjoy are women that brought out the humor that I have inside that had long been dormant with Shannon.  This might be good; it certainly continues to be interesting.

OK, I've been writing at a pretty furious pace over the past two months.  But now I think I'll take a week off to rest a bit.  The rationale for this furious pace and subsequent break will become evident next Monday as I have been trying to create an epic convergence of two monumental events.  Although, to be fair, generally when I build something up reality tends to be somewhat underwhelming!  :)  

See you next week!

Sandee does have some awesome skin!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Maybe I'm the One Who is the Schizophrenic Psycho

from the Lorax

Hey Sandee come look at this!
"When a guy does something stupid once it's because he's a guy.  If he does the same stupid thing a second time it's because he's doing it for a girl."

the Onceler

So is Sandee a 20-something nurse from a town just 30 minutes down the road or is she some type of model or is she just someone screwing with me?

Apparently I have no idea of who I have been writing over the past month.  I guess I should have been spooked.  But honestly this was just too interesting.  The fascinating thing is that I do believe that Sandee was an e-mail queen who had no intention of ever meeting someone through Ashley Madison.  However, she ran into a guy that was just so curious about the concept of trying to find an elusive e-mail queen because it would be fun to blog about.  That probably makes me some kind of creep but it is what it is.  More likely it was just an odd paradox and I love a good paradox!

I guess this was some type of tripped out "You've Got (Ashley Madison) Mail!"  :)

I actually used that line with Sandee and she thought it was funny!

So here is what I wrote to her upon discovering her pictures on the triathlete blog:

"Dear Sandee,

So I have a very important question for you and please tell me everything you can or at least are comfortable with.  I assure you I am a very regular nice guy who never gets angry at a sweet girl.

What am I getting at?  Well I was gawking at your Utah pics and just got a hunch when I saw the title Sundance lifestyle.  So I googled Sundance lifestyle image.  And low and behold there you were on a website for a photography studio.  Then I see that you must have a twin named ***** because that is the name listed on the pictures.  And then, wow this ***** girl has a blog and has been stealing all of your pictures!  

Oh well, I do want to say I have really been enjoying corresponding with you so this is not an angry note by any means.  I am an adult and choose what I do so I don't question the motives of others.  But I do find myself even more intrigued by who you are.

I'm not really worried about being mislead in any way.  In fact I'm not sure I would really even say I feel mislead because what I enjoy are your words - you are really fun!  But I do want to make sure I am not doing something I may regret or perhaps more importantly cause someone else to have regrets down the road.

So really I just want to make sure I know what I'm doing.  I do have a family and a life so I want to make sure I don't do anything inappropriate. 

But I would really like to get at least a partial story or as much as you feel comfortable.  I promise not to be angry, at least not at you!  I reserve the right to be angry at myself depending on the outcome.

Again, I make no judgement of you, I know from your writing that you are an interesting, witty, and intelligent person who really captivates me through simple words.  Certainly anyone can easily judge me the bad person for signing up for Ashley Madison.  

Sincerely, R"

And her reply:

"Dearest Ryan, I ASSURE you that I am COMPLETELY harmless! (and as we know, my word is golden! :). No. That wasn't an appropriate joke, I'm sorry. You are very clever, I wish you could come and work for me! This "study" ends here and now, tonight, so as to avoid making you any more uncomfortable.  If you're worried you've crossed into an underage issue, lol... No worries . :) I am a 43 yr old woman. :) it's true. I'm really going to miss you though. I have grown quite fond of your chats. 

Ps... I absolutely do not expect forgiveness here, but from the BOTTOM of my heart.... I am sorry :( So.... How do I get my penny now, since I gave you my thoughts??? :). Awwww. I'm going to miss you..."

Hmmm...., now how could I walk away from that?

So where to go from here, blow this thing off?  Well I didn't, over the weekend we exchanged more Will Ferrell videos, I told her she was projecting her affection for President Bush (yes, she is a Repub) onto me because of my intelligence and wit (sarcasm here, I'm left of center as I have said), we talked about Halloween (it was coming up in about 2 weeks), and life in general.

And then she said the next thing that should have sent me running for the hills!  Apparently she was not in fact from that city just 30 minutes away she apparently lived......


Oh well, too late now.  In for a dime, in for a dollar I always say.  So we made plans for lunch on Wednesday.

So who's takin' bets on if she shows!!!   :)

Or maybe I'm just like that Puddle of Mud song, a Schizophrenic Psycho!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Can't Get There from Here

Or Who's That Girl

No, Sandee is not Madonna!
So where are now with Sandee?  Is it about strike 10?  Wow Ryan you have taken gullibility to a whole new level!

Wait Ryan, you say it can get even more weird?  How can that be?!  Oh my dear friends, in life I learned long ago - it can always get more weird!

So as you can tell Sandee had sent me several pictures over the past (now month) few weeks that we had been corresponding.  You know that because I have cropped a few for you.  Oh wait, you probably thought I had just gotten some swim suit model pictures off of the internet and uploaded them.  Did you really think I would do that?  Not me!

No those are actually all pictures Sandee had sent me.  And yes I was asking myself also why such a young hotty seemed so interested in moi!  Funny thing about sending pictures though, sometimes they have what you might call a tag on them (I think I mentioned that last week).  For example on one picture Sandee sent me there was a tag that said "Sundance Lifestyle."  Well it didn't actually say "Sundance Lifestyle" that part I changed to protect the guilty.  But the point is it had a tag.  And so I "googled" that tag.  And lo and behold it eventually led me to a photographer's website.  And lo and behold I found that very same picture that Sandee had sent me.

Now at that point I continued to be gullible and mentioned to Sandee that the picture had the label "Sundance Lifestyle," but I didn't mention the photographers website.   Sandee said it was from a recent trip to Utah and that her dad had snapped the picture.

OK, so I left it alone.  But, while Ryan is gullible - he is also curious.  And he just couldn't keep his mind off that website.  Who knows maybe there are some "nuddie" photos of her on the site as well!  :)

So I went back through the website with a fine tooth comb and then I found it.  Nope, unfortunately no nude photos of Sandee. :(

But what I did learn was that the pictures of Sandee were not Sandee rather some girl named Brooklyn or Gisele or IDK but they were not named Sandee!

OK so now the wheels are spinning majorly!  Well of course my next move is to google "that girl's" name (from the website) and that is when the whole story came out.  Apparently my dream girl (from the photos) was not Sandee but a Swim Suit Model/Triathlete from Utah.  She had a website, a blog, videos on YouTube - the whole works.  And wow did the pictures on her blog look familiar.  Yep, there is the picture from the beach that Sandee sent, yep there is the one at the bar with her gal-pal, there is the one of her biking, and there is the one of her fishing.


Do you think I look like Greg or Fregly?

What to do now Ryan?  Surely you have to quit now, right?

WRONG, stupid is as stupid does as my momma said (or maybe it was that Mrs. Gump from next door).  So tune in Thursday as we see Ryan attempt to take stupid to a new level!   :)

Maybe we should just listen to some REM to cool our nerves!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Your Grace Provides for Me

A Love Story

Or Here in Higglytown We'll All Jump Around

You know a lot of bloggers out there have multiple blogs so if they love sports, or knitting, or travel, or politics they can get that out of their system in their other blogs.  Me, I barely can keep up with one so I have taken out my miscellaneous rants on politics, puffed out my chest on sports, and sometimes mentioned my family and vacations here.  This is all I "gots" so it is what it is.

Just draw it!
So my girls are starting to grow up.  We have traded Barnie for Selena and Little Einsteins for Lemonade Mouth.  It got me to reminiscing about the music I used to listen to with them in the car and I even started to write a "where are they now" post in my head.  For instance that quote above "here in Higglytown" is from the title song to that Disney cartoon.  That theme song btw was performed by They Might Be Giants, a fairly well known Alternative Rock group from the late 80's.  You know Mark Mothersbaugh of Devo fame is in that Nick Jr show Yo Gabba Gabba.  And Tim Fin of Split Enz fame often performed with the Wiggles in the early 2000's.  Maybe I should jump on board and give up all this chasing women stuff and retire to writing children's books!

But it got me to thinking further about a song that I have always associated with "my girls."

As an aside, Ryan has become somewhat of a character or alternative personality.  Of course everything of what he/I talk(s) about is true (just changed names with some slight embellishments) but he does tend to be separate from the actual me (who will continue to remain nameless) much like my adventures described here remain separate from the me of my day to day life.

Anyway, I tend to constantly self assess.  Life is pretty good right now but I've recently felt a bit restless (obviously or I wouldn't be writing a blog called the Ashley Madison Adventures of a Regular Guy Gone Bad).  I've been thinking, are these the best of times?  If so, why?  If not, why?  And if not, when were they the best of times, and why?

The end result of my analysis was that things are basically pretty good.  But my analysis reminded me of a time when I know I felt really good about myself.  Perhaps not so much as a guy but as a person and more importantly as a father.  And so I come to my point of describing the loves of my life; my daughters.

Way back several years ago when I first came to this little bedroom community outside of DC and started to enjoy this easier career and life and while Shannon's career was taking off I got the greatest gift I have ever known.  That is the responsibility of taking care of my daughters.  Not just simply shuttling to daycare and ballet but really being there for them.  And though that time is fond to me now when I analyzed it I realized it was pretty tough at the time.  I had a new job, we had a new home, Shannon was in the midst of an affair and was threatening divorce.

Through this time I often wondered if I was providing for my daughters or if they were providing for me.

I tend to force a lot of classic country on my daughters when they are not demanding their preferred Disney Channel on XM radio.  But back in these years I am describing I had more control so I was able to induce them to enjoy the Dixie Chicks and Allison Krauss and other bluegrass groups I enjoy.

So back to that song I alluded to above, one AKUS song always stuck out for me and it is the title of this post.  The song "In the Palm of Your Hand" describes her faith.  But for me it so aptly described what I felt for my daughters and how their "grace" constantly provided for me.

I can't imagine my life "without the love that (their) life brings (me)."

Their "grace will (always) see me through."

Their "faith" in me "can see right through the circumstances, sees the forest in spite of the trees."

Their "grace provides for me."

Barbara Mandrell has a song called "Child Care."  It's about divorce and how she gets child care from her former husband but the best child care she received was from her son who took care of her emotionally.

Please take a listen to this beautiful Allison Krauss song below.

Btw, the guy tapping on the guitar in this vid is Dan Tyminski who was George Clooney's character's voice in the song "Man of Constant Sorrow" (by the Soggy Bottom Boys) in the movie "O Brother Where Art Thou."

"In The Palm Of Your Hand"

If I could have the world and all it owns
A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones
If all the earth were mine to hold
With wealth my only goal

I'd spend my gold on selfish things
Without the love that Your life brings
Just a little bit more is all I'd need
'Til life was torn from me

I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees
Your grace provides for me

If I should walk the streets no place to sleep
No faith in promises You keep
I'd have no way to buy my bread
With a bottle for my bed

But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through

I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees

If I could have the world
If I could have the world and all it owns

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Well You Just Might Find You Get What You Need

I am not one to really write "off the cuff" rants on a whim.  I tend to write my posts ahead and do auto-posts.  But recently I have hit a real crisis in life.  For the past several years I have really enjoyed this Classic Country radio station.  They play Johnny Cash, Glenn Campbell, Waylon Jennings type stuff.  I had come across a classic country station once before, I think in Louisville, but obviously it's not a popular genre.  But then again, I'm not exactly a popular genre so we were two peas in a pod.  Bottom line, I loved the station.  Just the other day I noticed it was "dark" and then a few days later I turned it on and heard not the wonderful voice of Dolly Parton but the obnoxiousness of Ke$ha.  Yikes - apparently the station had changed programming.  Sorry, Ryan no music for you!

Anyway, I was listening to a classic rock station today instead and heard that Rolling Stones song and I guess for now that was "just what (I) need(ed)."

But today is not about that, it is about something I am sure you need; a political analysis by Ryan.  What, didn't you see how insightful my bowl game analysis was?  Oh wait, my predictions were pretty awful.  Oh well, I was crunching some numbers and had some thoughts and thought I would share.  Here goes.

So to watch MSNBC and Fox News you would think that politics is all about emotion.  Look at the Republican primaries up and down ebbs and flows.  Just now Santorum took back some momentum in Kansas this weekend and will likely battle Gingrich for the hearts and minds of Dixie in Mississippi and Alabama later this week.  Mitt said it's an "away game" so unless he or Jeff Foxworthy can convence folks down there that he is comfortable with saying "ya'll" and eating biscuits and grits, momentum will shift once again!  I am sure the bandwagon will be back to Santorum and the doomsayers will be after Romney once again.  Although late note Rasmussen polling has Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum splitting the conservative vote so Mitt might in fact get his knock-down punch today!

But reality is that politics may reflect emotion but it is in fact entirely about laws of gravity and motion.  The immovable object or the irresistible force inevitably dominate and win.  And I'm not just talking money it involves organization and ground game.  Like Sun Tsu's Ancient Art of War most political battles are won long before they are ever fought.

I was looking at the Republican Primary numbers this weekend hoping for a brokered convention.  The comedy would be so fun and of course I'm a left of center guy that will certainly vote for President Obama.  But in the numbers I found the immovable object - Romney.

Here they are:

Delegates to Date (before Kansas):
Romney - 415 or 36.3% of assigned delegates needed to win
Santorum - 176
Gingrich - 105
Paul - 47
Huntsman - 2 (likely to go to Romney)

Total = 745 or 34% of total delegates to be assigned

Romney is at 36% of the delegates needed after 34% of the total delegates have been assigned.  He is actually ahead of the pace with his best states ahead.  Delegate rich states like California and New York will only push Romney ahead of his current pace.  States like Kansas, Mississippi, and Alabama will not give Santorum the irresistible momentum to overcome the immovable object.  In fact Santorum just netted a +1 to the delegate count on Saturday because Mitt won in all those resort islands we own in the Pacific (maybe Mitt owns some investment properties there).

Additionally there are 86 unassigned Super Delegates which will mostly go to Romney and Huntsman's 2 will likely move to Romney at the convention.

To date Romney has collected 56% of the assigned delegates.  He need only win 729 of the remaining 1,453 (50%) delegates to win.  Again, at 56% to date he is ahead of the pace he needs to win the nomination with his best states still ahead.

So what that means is get used to Obama vs Romney.  As much as I would love to see the Republicans screw around with nominating someone as dopey as Santorum I do have to say I breath a sigh of relief.  As much as I won't vote for Romney I think I can live with him as President.  I do believe he is a decent and smart man who probably actually reads stuff like the New Yorker and listens to NPR and may consider science as a part of life.  He may be stiff and out of touch but he is not a "knuckle dragger/non-opposable thumber" like the rest of the Republican candidate pool.  Except for Ron Paul, I do like that he has changed the dialogue within the Republican Party around War and aggression.  Other than that he is interesting but spooky weird when he is talking about the Gold Standard and monetary policy.

That being said here is my prediction.  And remember my bowl game predictions that were completely awful so consider the source.

Obama beats Romney like a "wet stepchild"!  Sorry for my southern vernacular.  He may not win in an electoral landslide and may not even eclipse his electoral count of 2008 but I think he will win convincingly in the popular vote.

The Republicans in response will soberly assess that they are out of touch with the populous, right?

Wrong!  They will blame Romney and say once again Republicans never win when they run with a moderate.  They will say that if they had stayed to their convictions they would have inspired the base and won.  There will be second guessing galore and why didn't we talk Christie into running, etc.

Bottom line the Republican take-away will be more gridlock for 4 more years.

Until the next "most important election of our lifetime" (note sarcasm here) in 2016 when Hillary takes on Jeb Bush or as I might say Clinton/Bush II (The Final Countdown)!

Oh well, just some thoughts from someone who doesn't know what the hell they are talking about 50% of the time, is full of *hit 50% of the time, and just doen't have a clue the rest of the time.  :)

Oh and it's March Madness as well I guess I should make some predictions there as well!

My first prediction or rather note of reality.  Did you know that the Thursday and Friday of March Madness are the least productive working days in America!  Yep, a lot of goofing off and watching the scoreboard - sounds like a typical Ryan day.

Here goes (and as always I am using the pure logic of who has the hottest women):

Final Four
South:        Kentucky over Notre Dame; it's the official team of Ashley
West:         Missouri over Michigan State; Show Me Baby
East:          Florida State over Syracuse; can you say Spring Break 
Midwest:   North Carolina over Georgetown; some love to the home team but not too much

I like anyone named Ashley,  'nuff said!
Ahh, the pursuit of Academics!
Carolina Girl - best girl in the world!

Championship:   Kentucky over North Carolina 78-75

Potential Upset Alerts:

Notre Dame over Duke:  Notre Dame is a tough team from a tough conference; if they were playing on St. Patty's Day this would be a no-brainer.
New Mexico over Louisville and Michigan State:  I like the Lobos with Steve Alford at coach; no hot chicks at Michigan State (High School musical was set in Albuquerque - does that factor in here?)
Harvard over Vanderbilt:  or should I say Harvard vs the Harvard of the south; a lot of smart guys maybe Harvard still has some of the Linsanity left!
West Virginia over Gonzaga:  Gonzaga is the higher seed but WVU is playing a backyard game in Pittsburg (where is the fairness here?)
Creighton over North Carolina:  UNC is unpredictable and Creighton can shoot the lights out
Belmont over Georgetown:  Hoya's have a propensity to choke early; Belmont always shoots the lights out and Vince Gill is a fan and an awesome bluegrass picker!
St. Mary's over Kansas:  KU is always a good bet to choke at some point in the NCAA.

Monday, March 12, 2012

You Know I Took Some Lumps when the Mighty Casey Struck Out

So it wasn't just the Titanic hitting an iceberg that was going through my mind when I was thinking about Sandee now.  I kind of had a baseball analogy stuck in my head as well.  So we had wiffed at tennis (strike one) and whiffed all the next weekend (strike two with several foul balls).

But my Leo and Kate Titanic quote and made her say how cute she thought I was.  I just couldn't help but try one more time (or more).

The following weekend was a big fall festival in my little town.  I had to work again so I thought it was an excellent opportunity for Sandee to meet me just after and we could have an hour or two just before logic required me home.

I sent her info on the festival she seemed very interested and said she could stop by.  I told her to call me and let me know when she was close and I could talk her in if she had trouble (directions seemed to be a challenge for her).

This time she even texted me when she left; things were looking great.  About an hour later she texted me and said she was here but couldn't find the festival.  I asked her to describe where she was.  It was hard to decipher via text but after a few minutes I concluded that she was in a completely different town! I won't say which town but let's just say if I was directing you to Baltimore's Inner Harbor and you described a quaint little harbor with a lot of old looking buildings and this academy across the street after a few minutes I might realize you were actually in Annapolis.  That is about the scope of the error in geography we had.

Obviously this was Strike 3.  But I decided we were not in fact playing baseball but in fact softball or stick ball or tee ball or any league that has 4 or more strikes.  So through text we made plans to try tennis again during the week.

Maybe this would finally work.  I am not the sharpest tack in any room but persistence has always won things for me; surely it will for me now!  Sandee said she could come over right after work.

Again, all looked good throughout the day.  Sandee said she had one last patient around 4 pm and she would try to be quick about getting out of the office.

At about 4:30 pm I got a text "grrr...., this guy was late for his appt.....I'll make him pay for that  :)"

So now I'm thinking 6 pm is still OK; that gives us an hour.  I can deal with that.

Of course 6 pm comes and goes.  I text her and apparently her co-workers would not let her go.

Apparently I was not the first gentleman caller for our lovely Sandee.  Apparently another guy had been talking to her and actually showed up to her office hotel room key in hand and it had scared her and made an impression on her co-workers.  Thinking that Sandee was walking into a trap they did not let her go.  Or so she said.

Again Sandee was apologetic.  This time I was pretty convenced to scrap this and move on.

Sundance Lifestyle
Yeah, I was all ready to move on but then Sandee sent me a very cute picture of herself on a bike and wearing a beautiful summer dress.  The picture was captivating.  But what really got my attention was a little tag that came through when I uploaded the picture.  Yeah a little tag or title to the picture rather.

And that is what kept me going for just a bit more because Ryan is nothing if not curious and that title on the picture had me curious.  Let's just keep going just a bit more.  Hopefully curiosity would not kill this cat........

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Hot Summer Nights You're My Time of Year

Or One Great Summer (Night) to Remember

Hey I just realized it's been a reeeeeaaaallly long time since I wrote about sex.  And since I am still only in about the 2nd quarter of my Sandee story (does that mean there is a lot more to go?) I thought I should throw a bone out there (literally and figuratively).

I have not spent a whole lot of time writing about my past but it sure is fun going back into the vault and pulling out an old story now and again.  And with all this warm weather we have been having it reminds me of those hot summer days and nights gone by!

So here is a story about Chelle, a gorgeous girl I met when I ran off to sunny Florida to work one summer during my college years.

Doesn't every guy need a great summer-lovin' story!

Btw, I started to use lyrics from that Journey song Stone in Love for the title but then I realized this story doesn't end with anyone wearing blue-jeans (or anything else for that matter).

So back in the day Ryan used to tend bar, pour coffee, take orders, and other things that a lot of college kids do to make money.  He got to thinking that life at Big State U had gotten a little boring and didn't want to go home for the summer and realized he could pour drinks for people at a beach as well as he could anywhere else.  At first he applied to a lot of those cruise lines.  Thankfully, in hindsight, he didn't get any interviews (trust me working on those is the pits).

So with no prospects Ryan did what every young man should do once in his life, he just packed his stuff in his car and drove south.  He drove as far as he could in about 18 hours and stopped at a beach resort town.  He then camped out and started looking for work.  It didn't take Ryan long to find employment as he had good experience and if you think he is good at bull-shiting on a blog you should see him in person.

So Ryan got a job working at a luxury Yacht Club.  That is where he met Chelle.  Chelle was SMOKIN' hot and worked at the club as well.  She was about 5'8" with long wavy brunette hair, green eyes, and one supremely toned and tanned body.  She had just finished her junior year at her hometown Big State U; it's name was something like Sunny Atlantic State University for Hot Chicks (I'm not sure).  Chelle didn't really have to work I don't think because at the yacht club she was sort of learning the family business so to speak.  Daddy had a nice home on the Inter-Coastal Waterway with a nice boat parked in the back yard.

Well, I could give you a week long story about our courtship but I won't tease you like I did the other week with Sandee.  I'll just jump right to the end because it was in fact that boat parked in daddy's back yard that was the climactic scene of young Ryan's summer love-stock!

Toward the end of the summer daddy was to be away on business and rich housewife mom was going to tag along to the Med or wherever it was they were going.  Chelle was to stay behind and take care of the house.  Now at this point Ryan had enjoyed some very nice sex with Chelle at his place and at that swanky home on the Waterway.  But what Ryan really had his eye on (or let's be real his penis on) was sex on that boat parked in the back yard.

So on a wonderful night Ryan suggested he wine and dine Chelle with a gourmet meal on said boat; Chelle was happy to oblige.  So Ryan grilled some Swordfish steaks with some Caribbean veggie kabobs and Coconut Jasmine Rice and he and Chelle enjoyed a fine dinner with a nice Pinot Grigio on the deck of that yacht.

So would that make a nice fairytale ending????  No I didn't think so.

After that meal Ryan and Chelle gazed on the Waterway and kissed.  Pulled close to Ryan, Chelle's thin sundress did nothing to hide the slim shapely contours of her sleek body.  He could feel her nipples through the thin cotton or her dress and moving his hands around her waste to her behind Ryan could feel her supple cheeks and realized nothing was underneath that sundress!

Ryan escorted Chelle below deck.  At the bottom Chelle turned to Ryan and leaned back on a table.  Ryan stepped between her legs and planted a firm kiss to her lips and then moved to her neck as Chelle gently started to grind her hips to his hips.  Ryan stepped back and Chelle stood up with him.  Ryan then rotated her around and with a quick swoop pulled her dress up and over her shoulders and head revealing her beautiful naked body in the veiled moonlight.  Ryan kissed her shoulders as he pulled off his khaki shorts and polo shirt.  He then moved his hands to Chelle's pussy and probed his fingers into her.  She was already wet.  Not long after that he moved his hips to hers and glided into her.  He slid in easily and quickly.  Their bodies slapped together in quick rhythm.  It was such a turn-on to see the glean of sweat on Chelle's ass sparkling in the moonlight along with the kinks of her hair now moist with sweat that tumbled down the length of her back.  Ryan was not quite ready to cum so he turned Chelle around and picked her up.  Her legs were around his waste as he carried her a few steps to a couch next to the table.  There they finished in missionary clutches as they orgasming together in a hot and sticky Florida sweat!

But it didn't end there.  After an hour of cuddling and kissing Chelle suggested another glass of wine.  They walked up the steps to the deck of the boat sans clothing.  Ryan poured a glass of wine for Chelle and sat back on a fishing chair.  Chelle accepted the glass bending over him with her breasts tantalizingly brushing against his face.  She then sat on top of Ryan mounted him and sipping her wine as she gently began fucking him again.  She began a humming purr as her hips slowly moved over his; one hand held her glass the other gently positioned on his shoulder as she looked into his eyes and slightly bit her bottom lip.  Ryan began to pump with her but she put her finger to his lips and whispered with a smile "shhhhh..., let's take it nice and easy."

Nice and easy lasted for several minutes but Chelle began to move more quickly and more quickly.  She set her glass down and now had both hands around Ryan's neck for leverage, nails seductively digging into his shoulder blades.  She encouraged Ryan to return the sexual rhythm.  They moved together faster and faster until Chelle gasped with a crescendo as they eclipsed together.

Chelle fell forward into Ryans arms and there they stayed for probably and hour as they watched the lights on the ocean side of the Waterway.

Well, that's not really the end either as around 2 am they awoke in the bedroom cabin of the boat.  They were both naked so Ryan easily slipped into Chelle and they had speechless pitch black sex in the middle of the night.  And of course that was followed by morning sex and a group shower the next day.  And that was followed by a nice breakfast on the boat deck.  If you think Ryan is good at sex and grilling you should see what he can do with an omelet and a mimosa!

Yeah, it was tough to leave at the end of that summer.  Ryan damn near decided to forgo a semester of college and stay down there.  He even interviewed for a job with a stockbroker he had met thinking that he might go back down there after graduation next year.  But he did return to college and met Trish (his first Jersey girl) shortly thereafter and moved on in life.  But that is another story!

Thinking about this post he did find Chelle on Facebook recently (but decided to not do a friend request).  Hey don't give me that look, I saw Shannon checking out one of her old boyfriends (the former rock star) on Facebook just the other day.  Anyway, Chelle still looks hot!  She didn't follow the family business but appears to have her own counseling practice.  She certainly helped my self-esteem so I'm sure she is great at it!

And of course Ryan still lives outside of DC and wastes his time on blogging!    :)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Far Across the Distance and Spaces Between Us

OMG Ryan, tell me you didn't go there!  Is that title post actually lyrics from that Titanic movie theme song?  You have gone over to the dark side (or rather mushy side).  Now I know you'll do anything for attention!  :(

Didn't I say I looked just like him?
No really guys this fits.  Let me 'splain.  And really it had been on my mind 'cause I had just been thinking about seeing Kate Winslet naked in 3D on the big screen!

So, I was pretty sure this Sandee thing was never going to go anywhere so I threw out a real Hail Mary (or rather grabbed something out of my ass).  What was there to loose at this point except my pride (but as you can see from my blog that is not really a high priced commodity)!

But really the thing was that I was fairly busy at work and didn't really have a whole lot of time to go fishing for new prospects on AM just now.  And to be honest I was already contemplating how this thing was going to play out on the blog.  I really thought the epic failure here would be an interesting story to tell.  You know you always learn more through failure - or at least I heard that once in a movie I think.  Bottom line was, I was going to keep moving forward; I really had little to lose.

Since Sandee had said something about being afraid to take a jump on all this AM stuff, this is what I wrote to follow up on those notes following the weekend debacle.

"Dear Sandee,

Couldn't help feeling like Leo a bit (see quotes below).  Don't jump Sandee!
Don't do it.

Sandee: Stay back! Don't come any closer!
Ryan: Come on, just give me your hand. I'll pull you back over.
Sandee: No, stay where you are! I mean it! I'll let go!
Ryan: [He approaches slowly, gesturing to his cigarette to show that he is approaching merely to throw it over the side into the ocean] No, you won't.
Sande: What do you mean, "No, I won't"? Don't presume to tell me what I will and will not do, you don't know me!
Ryan: Well, you woulda done it already.
Sandee: You're distracting me! Go away!
Ryan: I can't. I'm involved now. You let go, and I'm, I'm 'onna have to jump in there after you.
Sandee: Don't be absurd. You'd be killed!
Ryan: I'm a good swimmer.

OK, so I'm silly and like movie quotes - sue me!"

Get it, I'm comparing us to Kate and Leo but in my case I'm actually using reverse psychology encouraging her to jump (to me)!

And it worked.  Or at least it seemed to.

How could ANYONE not ADORE  silly Ryan????  OMG!! I was crackin up like you wouldn't beLIEVE reading these e-mails!! Seriousy! crack-IN-up!!!! I was tempted to dial your digits just so you'd hear, but didn't want you to think I was more nuts than you already do!!
Thanks for the laughs!!!!! You DA BEST!!   :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
I will rent that movie. Can you come watch it with me?? For realz! Friday night!! You, me, and your precious Kate! And you can finally taste my brownies!!

Ryan would YOU jump in to save me??? Or would you throw a brick on me?? :)"

I know what you are thinking; I'm stupid.  This will never go anywhere.

But it was at this time I started to think about a scientific experiment.  I had read Riff Dog's laments about "e-mail queens."  Heck, I'd even written about e-mail queens myself.  But I had always given up and apparently Riff Dog and everyone else always did too.  When I thought about it my only cost in continuing to pursue Sandee was my time which as you can see is not all that valuable.  No, I think I owed it to the scientific community to continue to pursue this.

And maybe now you can see why I wrote this blog entry several weeks ago about e-mail queens!

And anyway while we have other friends that are notoriously "doggish" I tend to be a little more like a cat.  Yeah a dog will just pick up anything it finds on the ground.  But a cat enjoys the hunt, the pursuit, the chase.

I know you are thinking this blog makes no sense but maybe now you can see the "organized chaos" I try to create.

Hey this makes 8 posts in 9 days; I'm really crankin'.  And I've got a really smokin' post ready to post on Thursday.  And then maybe I'll take a rest!

Monday, March 5, 2012

And I Will Be Alone Again Tonight My Dear

Or Day Four

My last 5 Sandee post lyric titles, including today, have come from one song I hear sometimes on XM radio.  I have written often about listening to Richard Blade on XM Radio's First Wave.  I love his shows.  He often plays a song by the Damned called "Alone Again Or."  It's actually a cover; the song was originally recorded by a group called Love in 1967.  The writer was inspired by a memory of waiting for a lady and a melody in Prokofiev's Lieutenant Kije Suite.  I'm not sure if I'm hearing it but that is what wiki says and I want to sound smart so I'll go with it!  Btw, Prokofiev also wrote music for Peter and the Wolf and the ballet to Romeo and Juliet.  But back to "Alone Again Or," I love the histrionic feel, the elegant lyrics, and the mariachi band horns.  The original recording by Love is wonderful but the Damned just seem to add something extra and their video is like a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western collided with the Road Warrior (please take a look below).  Calexico does a pretty awesome version as well!

As an aside Love often performed at the famous Whiskey Au Go Go on the LA Strip in the 60's.  Love and Vanilla Fudge were two of the bands that a certain aspiring artist listened to as he was forming his own group that would later become the house band at the Whiskey.  That group went by the name the Doors.

OK so that's my Rolling Stone Op/Ed piece for the day.  So again, all my lyric titles this week have come from that song as I waited for Sandee all weekend!

As I woke up on Monday I knew it was my last chance for the weekend; forth and long.  But I still had hope, I was going to go wherever I needed to make it easy on Sandee.

I texted her around 9:30 am and she said she could meet around 11 am, "grumpy" was still at the hospital.  I texted her again as I got ready to leave and she responded "can we push back to noon?  Running a bit behind.  Sorry!"

I decided that I would go ahead and drive down to the coffee shop regardless.  Something told me that if I kept texting this would get pushed back and pushed back.  I hoped that if I was really there that she would commit to meeting me.

So I got to the shop about 5 minutes early and took up a position on a bench across from the cafe and began to read (psst, I don't really read but I thought it would be a good first image for Sandee to see).  Btw, this little area is wonderful, a tree lined pedestrian mall with boutique shops et al.

Noon came and went.  At 12:15 I texted her and let her know I was there.  A few minutes later she texted back "grumpy just got home, trying to get away - give me 15 mins."

So I kept reading.  About 12:45 I texted her again politely "how's it going?"

She replied "grumpy invited friends over for lunch, got to get something ready, how late can you stay?"

I told her she had me all day if needed.  Perhaps that was too nice but it was Hail Mary time now.

"Give me to 2 pm and I'll be over," she said.

So I walked around town, read a bit more, looked at some shops, changed cell phone screen 6 times, etc, etc.

At 2:15 pm I texted her "are you able to come out today?"

About 15 minutes later she replied "I'm so sorry, grumpy is drunk now and won't let me leave; he yelled at me in front of his friends and called me a child.  I told him I was leaving and he locked me in the bathroom.  I don't know what to say.  I need time to think about all of this.  Do you hate me?"

Hmmm, do you really want an answer to that question?  Sometimes things are better left unsaid.

As I started to drive home I was PISSED!  And just in case you have not been able to tell from my blog I am fairly even tempered.  Which is great in life as I live with someone who is prone to throwing blunt objects when angered!  But I held off on any retribution for now.  By the time I got home I had calmed down.  I decided to wait on a response to Sandee for now.

The next morning I typed out this:

Hey Sandee,

So I have to say yes after two hours I was a bit aggravated.  :(  So there is the extent of my temper!  Many people would say I'm very even tempered, others would say gullible - not sure what fits here.

But I'm also one to look on the bright side and now I know every inch of your fair city!  

My main concern is you!  Are you OK?  I really hope I didn't cause friction at home for you.  Please tell me about it, I can be sympathetic ears/eyes for you.

Regardless of what happens I would like to meet you.  It doesn't have to go anywhere but I would like to reconcile the reality of Sandee with the images I see in your e-mails :)  I bet the reality of you is even better than what I have read!

Take Care,


I felt bad when Sandee responded later in the day with this:

"Dear Ryan~
    It breaks my heart to hear you say you might have been gullible today. I have hurt you, and I don't know what to do."

She went on the talk about how mean her husband was, how he treated her like a child, how all the other guys on AM were weird (and I was the only one she clicked with), etc.  She said she felt men had more freedom and wished she could leave on a moments notice to meet a "handsome stranger (you)!"

So we were still at square one; e-mailing a very intriguing person that was probably trouble but who just seemed like they would be worth it if I continued to endeavor.  Or so my gut told me.

Where is pragmatism when I need it!  And Kat here is your que to say "I told you so!"

But then again, do you really think I would spend so much time on talking about a complete washout?

Oh well, the Silver Lining to this tale is that the fam got back in town around dinner and I had "my girls" back which made me happy, I did miss them very much!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Fight for Old DC

We interrupt this Sandee weekend story for important late breaking events!


It's official!  DC is the cheating capitol of the US!

And I don't mean screwing you out of your tax dollars or your social security or your guns or your condoms or whatever you are worried about.  No this is way bigger, apparently there are more cheaters per capita in the Greater DC area than any other large Metro Area in the US.  From Annandale to Annapolis; from Ballston to Bowie and everywhere in between we beat 'em all!  Now there is something to be proud of!

I guess that makes sense.  According to my records I've gotten laid by 3 different women over the past year and a half (well maybe 4 if you keep the faith).  So if I'm reading the article correctly even a blind pig could get laid in DC.  Which of course is me to a "T".

Of course I can attest to DC being a robust market on both ends as I did do a Riff style "Claire" test long ago.

NEWSER) – Ashley Madison—the website bearing the tagline "Life is Short. Have an Affair"—has released its ranking of the top 10 US cities for cheaters. It drew its conclusions from its own subscriber base, looking at which cities had the most registered users and, based on its population, the highest per capita membership. The, er, winner? Washington, DC, is king when it comes to would-be adulterers, with some 37,943 registered users and the highest per capita stats—and 30 new subscribers per day, reports the Post.
Why DC? CEO Noel Biderman theorizes, "Simply put, the more successful you are, the more prone to cheating you are, and Washington is full of successful people looking for something outside their marriage." Rounding out the top 10 (w/notes by Ryan):

Primantis + IC Beer = Good Date
  1. San Antonio - This makes complete sense!  If Tony Parker would cheat on Eva Longoria there must be some super fine ladies down there!
  2. Phoenix - I think this only works if your age category is 80+.  I would be worried about that nutty Sheriff down there :(
  3. Salt Lake City - Are you 'effin with me!  Get real, why cheat in Utah just marry her!  And her, and her, and her, and ..........
  4. Oklahoma City - they must be including cattle in this survey.  OKC where the men are men and sheep are scared!
  5. Pittsburgh - OK, not sure what type of women you might find in the steel city but I'll sure enjoy a Primanti's sandwich with her!
  6. Boston - Hmmm....., I think my line here would be "hey babe, let me pour some warm chowdah over yah and I'll lick it owf while we watch da Sawx!  Screw them Yankees!"
  7. Chicago - According to Kat this is spot on!  See her Chicago story.  And I'll vouch for it.
  8. Dallas - Uh check out my OKC analysis; ditto here!  Cowboys suck!  Tony Romo you gargle Dan Snyder's balls!
  9. Orlando - Makes sense in the land of Fairy Dust and magic you would think you might be looking for a Prince Charming when you are married to Mr. Smee!  Or looking for Ariel when you're married to Ursula!  You know I did my own Ashley Madison Fairy Tale once.
Snores in Bed/has ED
Clean & Disease Free!