Monday, August 27, 2012

The Air is Still within the Silence of My Room

Wow, I'm proud of myself.  I have been living on re-posts and Kat's Chain blog for almost three months now!  Laziness can so fulfilling!  But it was a fun summer and actually I am kind of anxious now to resume my Sandee story.  Just in case you were curious where we left off in my Sandee story you can check back here.  That last post (from May) was about stuff that was happening around mid-January.  So where did we go from there?

Well as I wrote once before winter's and holiday's can be bad of affairs.  Well this past winter was pretty mild so it didn't interfere with Sandee and I too much.

What really happened over those winter months of January though March is that we got into a very quick and comfortable routine.  Sandee lives close by and her job ended up being fairly flexible in spite of what she originally had told me before meeting.  My job is pretty flexible as well so we were able to meet on a weekly basis; sometimes more often.

Now that doesn't mean every time we met was a *uck-a-palooza; in fact most of the time we were just hanging out.

What was relaxing and fulfilling was how quickly we formed rituals and somewhat of a history.  Of course there was our famous boating trip and all her crazy antics before we met.  But there also became our breakfast place, our spot on the river to walk, and certain places we would meet before our "soup" dates.  It quickly became very comfortable.  I very much enjoyed the fact that she often told me how relaxed she was when around me.

For Sandee life was not getting any easier though.  She was getting fed up with a verbally abusive husband who was passive agressive and may have been having his own affair.  It's funny how in so many relationships there is the conciliator and then there is the one who draws lines in the sand.  It makes it hard when you are the one prone to make peace to deal with the one who dares you to withdraw or fight.  Sandee was starting to reach out to family to see who could help if she made a move out of her current life.

I was worried the few times she took weekend trips back to her hometown.  Each time she returned I breathed a sigh of relief.

But when we were together everything seemed just fine.  We did listen to one another but mostly we just enjoyed being "in the moment."  I was finally actually doing that which I had always said I wanted in all those AM notes over the past two years.

What did have me curious though was the chance to go rafting again with Sandee.  It's not that I am a masochist and wanted to plunge into the river again, it was that I wanted to go visit the place Sandee had wanted to show me in the first place.  The place we didn't go on the day of my big splash.

As Sandee described, this place seemed very peaceful and much more navigable.  But of more interest to me was Sandee's description of a little private island in the middle of the river that she had paddled out to before.  I wondered if that might be a fun place to go with Sandee.  I wondered what adventure we might find on that island in the middle of the river.  I wondered......

Btw, the lyrics for today's title may not seem to go so well for today's post but they are from one of my favorite Gordon Lightfoot songs, "Song for a Winter's Night."  As I have written before I love Gordo, he is definitely one of my all-time favorite artists.  The song evokes wonderful images of winter and has in fact been covered by artist such as Sarah McLachlan and used on holiday albums.  Of course Lightfoot paints such beautiful images in all his songs.  He is originally from Orilla, Ontario (Canada) and obviously that upbringing along the Great Lakes formed impressions that would shape his songs throughout his career.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

You're the Lucky One - The Miraculous Journey of Ryan Beaumont, Chapter 4

to Sassy  for her literary guidance and editing of a guy who still doesn't seem to right write even with spellcheck!  :)

Chapter 4 - Loved by Many and Hated by None

Oh that Sandee was an augean little scamp from the get go.  But even from her first notes she made Ryan smile and laugh.  Even though Alecia and Sandra thought Ryan pretty never did they make Ryan smile like Sandee did just from her notes.

The funny thing was that Ryan didn't think Sandee was really real.  He thought she was someone teasing him, perhaps one of those bloggers or maybe someone that was not even a wife but was playing tricks on this funny social net-thing everybody talked about.  Sandee even told Ryan she was only 26, much younger than Ryan was now that he was into his 40's.  But she made him feel like a young husband.

But a curious thing began to happen.  Because Ryan did not think Sandee real he wrote to her often in jest.  He wrote to her as silly Ryan not the young husband he had been for so many years.  "I have nothing to lose," he would think to myself so I'll just write what I want to her and try to be funny.  Ryan thought himself clever to be writing in this new persona.  He thought himself the trickster not the tricked.  But in time Ryan began to realize that he was in fact not writing to Sandee in some trumped up fake personality that indeed this was who he wanted to be; nee who he was now.  For Ryan no longer wanted to be the vain and stern plain career husband, or even to only be the sad lumpy home husband, he did in fact enjoy the jestful play with Sandee, it gave him energy!

The biggest jest of all was that in all this trickery he was beginning to find himself, the young husband HE wanted to be now.

Sometimes Ryans's new jests would spill over to home.  Shannon would sometimes press a smile or a light giggle but then return to her work.  Shannon did not notice this new husband nor care that anything new existed in Ryan at all.  He almost felt like that Velveteen Rabbit he read about once that had grown into a new real rabbit and while happy to be real could not longer speak to his past life.

Two long months went by and Ryan had still not met Sandee.  But he still looked forward to her notes every day.  One day Ryan caught Sandee in one of her fibs.  He thought "now I have you, now I'll get to the bottom of this."  The funny thing though, he was not angered, he was enchanted and longed to know who this silly funny person was.  In fact Sandee made Ryan silly and funny and he liked it.  He felt sure no matter what Sandee looked or acted like in person as long as she made him feel silly and funny he would like her.

Finally Sandee agreed to meet Ryan.  Ryan was more nervous than he had been even with Alecia.  He had such hopes.  As Sandee stepped out of her car Ryan was immediately enamored of her.  "Oh my", he said, what a beautiful woman with long golden hair.  If in reality she can be as sunny and happy as her notes and her long beautiful hair then she may be who Ryan had sought all this time.

Sandee was a bit more timid than Ryan had expected in person, she of course was nervous too.  But soon they began meeting weekly for lunch, or coffee, or just a walk along a river.

Once Ryan and Sandee went on a boat ride.  Ryan was acting very vain and wanting to impress Sandee.  And then he went splash into the river.  Ryan was mortified.  Oh the tongue lashing he would have gotten from Shannon.  Sandee and Ryan labored to get to the waters edge.  They looked at each other and then just burst out in laughter.  Ryan was happy, he could be silly and funny with Sandee and that was surely what he had been looking for.

You might ask yourself did Sandee think Ryan pretty.  And your answer would be yes, she did in fact like Ryan very much.  It made Ryan so glad to be adored again.  She often told Ryan how kind he was.  This was new to him.  Of course many now had told him he was pretty, many had said he was smart, many had said he was going places.  But funny?  Kind?  These were new things to Ryan.  But it made him feel good to be thought of in this manner.

Once Sandee and Ryan went out to lunch and had soup but they didn't stay at the restaurant they took it to a place called a hotel where you could have lunch in private.  Ryan enjoyed this very much.  From that point on they often talked about how much they enjoyed soup lunches.

But Sandee had a mean husband and she thought she might need to leave him.  Ryan was not sure if he could leave Shannon.  Though Sandee didn't ask anything of Ryan, Ryan started thinking about if he should move on in life.  Then again, he thought if he could not, perhaps he should let Sandee go her own way.

Of course the thought of not seeing Sandee now did concern Ryan, he didn't want to lose her after just finding her.

After the holiday's Sandee did say that perhaps she should move on.  This time Ryan had no desire to go back into that Ashley Madison world.  Ryan asked Sandee if they could just remain friends and Sandee said yes.  For some time they did just meet for breakfast or for a walk.  But before too long they decided perhaps another soup date would be nice.  And once they went on another soup date they decided perhaps this friendship is just too nice to walk away from just yet.

And so it was that Ryan and Sandee spent their days through a very mild yet blissful winter.

The End?

or perhaps to be continued some day when his journey is toward's it's terminus (if the world doesn't end) or maybe never.....     :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

You're the Lucky One - The Miraculous Journey of Ryan Beaumont - Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - You Look at the World with a Smiling Eye and Laugh at the Devil as His Train Goes By

With Riff's spells Ryan found quickly that he was quite good at navigating this new world of Ashley Madison.  It did not take long before Sandra found him.

Sandra was completely different from Alecia and completely different than Shannon.  Well maybe not completely different as she was very pretty as were Shannon and Alecia.  Sandra also thought Ryan was a very handsome young husband as did Alecia.

Sandra was older than Ryan by several years and that actually made Ryan feel very special and even more handsome and dapper.  It was not difficult being around Sandra either.  She did not ask difficult questions of Ryan.  She  just talked about her dogs and her poor hapless husband.  She referred to herself as a "golf widow."  But at all times she adored being with Ryan.  She made Ryan feel so special.  She gave him gifts and talked about the places she wanted to take Ryan.

Before girls liked Ryan because he had money and was going places.  This was the first time a woman had already been to all those places and just liked Ryan because he was a handsome husband.  In fact at times he felt like one of those "kept" husbands he had heard about.  Ryan was not a "sugar daddy" to Sandra, could Sandra actually be a "sugar momma" to Ryan?  So strange these new words Ryan was now learning, MILF, DILF, FWB, NSA - couldn't people just say what they mean anymore?

But while Ryan was learning how to feel he still was a little bit full of himself.  As time went on he grew tired of hearing about Sandra's dogs.  He also thought how fun it was to be wanted by so many of these lost lonely wives in that Ashley Madison world.  He thought that it wouldn't hurt if he took just a peak.

And that is when he found Keeley.  Keeley was very like Ryan.  She was lost to her husband as well.  Keeley reminded Ryan of his Shannon but Keeley was more kind and thought Ryan handsome in a way Shannon did not anymore.

Ryan liked Keeley very much.  What Ryan was finding out was that he enjoyed being needed and Keeley needed someone like Ryan.

But Keeley had a young one at home as did Ryan and that young one became ill.  Ryan understood Keeley's hurt and concern now for his Shannon was also ill or at least so she thought and Ryan was very concerned for her as well.

Ryan then asked Keeley if she wished to turn away and go back to her home.  Ryan would return to his home as well.

This felt odd.  This felt like feeling.  But it hurt.  How could feeling hurt be good.  And yet it did.  Maybe being good did hurt but maybe being good felt even better.  So Ryan and Keeley went their separate ways.

But of course Ryan really was not all that good because he still had his Sandra.  Actually, he felt better about turning away from Keeley because he felt guilt regarding Sandra.  She had been so good to him, how could he be such a bad person.

That Christmas Sandra gave Ryan a gift of a little trinket with the logo of the team Ryan hated the most.  Sandra had gotten confused.  Ryan had talked about his favorite and least favorite teams and Sandra got them mixed up.  Ryan could not bear to tell Sandra the truth because as he realized "it was the thought that counts."  "Wait, if it's the thought that counts I must be feeling," he thought to himself.  Ryan gave Sandra a bottle of wine and she was delighted because she appreciated his thought.  This was different for Ryan, Shannon only cared about the thought when it was attached to a $300 spa package, a ski vacation, or a sparkly trinket.  This "thought that counts" business all felt very good.

But there it was again feeling bad or good meant feeling.  Feeling, feeling, feeling that is all he felt now.  How could this be.

A long winter went by and Ryan was simply glad to spend time with Sandra.

But in time that same feeling of jumpyness got to Ryan.  Additionally, Sandra started feeling bad as well, perhaps she should settle down she thought.  Her husband was actually a very good man save the fact that he played too much golf and perhaps ate a bit too much ice cream.  Also, her daughter needed her very much as well because Sandra's daughter was married to man that was not very good at all.  All this sat on Sandra's mind.  Ryan listened and felt concerned.  While Sandra appreciated the feeling and the thought of course feelings sometimes are just that feelings and don't mean results.  Sandra needed to make things better for her family and Ryan sensed that his time with her may be at an end.

One day Ryan decided not to write or call Sandra.  The next day Sandra decided not to write or call Ryan.  The following day Ryan decided not to call or write Sandra and the next Sandra decided the same.

This went on for several weeks.  And then Ryan realized he had moved on and Sandra was now in his past.  He didn't feel bad at all though, it seemed this was the way things went in Ashley Madison world.  He had fond memories of Sandra and he suspected she had fond memories as well but sometimes in life things just move on in spite of feelings.

"Perhaps I should use the new feelings I feel and try to mend fences with Shannon," he asked himself.

Then again it had been a long time since he had looked into the that world of Ashley Madison.  Perhaps he would take a peak now.

And so on a warm August day he did and he came across an odd little person called Sandee.

to be continued.......

Saturday, August 18, 2012

You're the Lucky One - The Miraculous Journey of Ryan Beaumont, Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - A Jack of All Trades and Master of None

As you know this time when Ryan left, Shannon did not tell him she was disappointed; in fact she didn't even say come back.

Ryan did everything in his power to convence Shannon to come to him in this new land.  Shannon finally did but in a way Ryan was in fact dead to her, she had no more feelings for him.  Now she was the one with opportunities traveling far and near.  She was the one with clients to delight and business to win.  And of course along those many roads there was another husband, tall and blond, who took her places Ryan could not.  For a time she juggled her two men; her business husband, Brent, during the week on her many roads and her home husband, Ryan, on the weekend.

Ryan was perplexed.  "Shannon always said she wanted a home husband and now I am in fact a home husband, surely she must love me" he would ask himself.  But as fate would have it Shannon was winning the business world and now she was thinking a career husband might suit her very well, home husbands were dull and boring!  "Home husbands can cook dinner and take the girls to ballet but a career husband can pay for dinner at Spiaggia and travel to the Caribbean; that is way more fun," Shannon thought to herself.  But of course as Ryan came to realize it wasn't really about Caribbean vacation or taking kids to ballet it was about feelings and once feelings are broken they are hard to repair and certainly not patched by a few dinners.

For a time Ryan did not lament; he had two little darlings in his life now and that was all he needed.  In his new life there were no more kingdoms to conquer just a job to do and precious time to spend with his new loves.

Oh the afternoons they spent watching a movie, having a birthday party for teddy, or just riding along as Ryan peddled his bike along the river.  An afternoon nap was never so happy as when it was spent snuggled up with his darlings while they watched Oswald or Mrs. Spider.  Surely this was in fact all a young husband needed and Ryan was content.

For a while.

But at night when his darlings were asleep Ryan would often look out of the big window above the fireplace and look at the stars and moon.  No longer did he wonder about the opportunities for him as he did before.  Now he wondered if Shannon looked at those same stars he gazed at wherever she was in the world and he wondered if she thought of him or if she was sharing her gaze with Brent.  Too often Ryan knew the answer and too often he drifted off to sleep sad and angry.

Ryan sought wise men and women called marriage counselors to cure the ills that were felt between he and Shannon.  Many months they discussed but to no avail.  Shannon's heart was no longer his.  Shannon felt Ryan only sought these counselors to get her to do things she didn't want to do anymore.  Ryan just wanted peace and happiness.  But as he now knew there could be no happy ending because there was no love.

Ryan's darlings became beautiful young ladies.  They still delighted him and still they enjoyed time together.  But as young girls do they began seeking their own way.  Afternoons were not always for daddy now, often they were for friends.  Ryan was happy for them as he would gaze out of the window and watch them at play.  But he was sad for himself.  His time of peace would surely end and who would be there with him.

And then one night alone on his bed and watching TV Ryan heard of an odd place.  A place called Ashley Madison where lonely hearts went to seek healing.  The next day Ryan found that odd place on that odd Ether road.  But Ryan wanted to know if it was real.  He sought advice and found a sage wizard called Riff who told of ways to master this new Ashley Madison world.

Ryan searched this world and found many strange new people.  They had odd names like NeedMoreNow, BlondBeachBunny, and FitnessBuff.  Some would reply when Ryan said hello.  Some even sent funny pictures and greetings.  But none were able meet Ryan; he remained a lonely husband.

Then after reading Master Riffs spells he finally got the words right and met Alecia.  Alecia asked Ryan "why are you here."  Ryan said he wished to be enchanted again and have the opportunity to be good to someone and to not disappoint.

Reluctant at first Alecia did finally meet Ryan.  She was very pretty and funny although she continued to ask odd questions like "do you love your wife?" And "have you done this before?"  Ryan was new to all this, he did not feel comfortable when someone didn't believe him.  He was after all a fairly honest young husband if perhaps a little flawed and now frayed.

Ryan did like Alecia but she drank a lot and he was not too sure what it would be like if he belonged to her.  But Alecia did think Ryan pretty and Ryan liked that.  Once again he was a handsome husband that someone wanted.  He enjoyed giving himself to Alecia.

It felt good to be with Alecia and Ryan did feel like a young husband again.  In fact he allowed himself to do things with or rather to Alecia that he had not done with Shannon.  And she liked it very much!

But Alecia was worried about her husband.  He was big and scary and would cast her out if he knew she was with Ryan.  Apparently he knew many throughout their world, many who could report back to him.  Alecia was scared.

Once Ryan said something in jest to Alecia that she did not see as jestful.  She was hurt and would not speak to Ryan again.  Ryan was puzzled, surely everyone knew that he was a kind and considerate husband; anyone would know he was jestful but never mean.  Unfortunately in this new Ashley Madison world people didn't know one another very well so feeling could be hurt quickly and easily.

Again, Ryan was cast aside.  He was sad because he got a glimpse of how life had been when he was adored, when he was a young husband.  It was hard to go back now.

He thought "I must seek another."  I am now adored, surely another will find me an attractive young husband.  Surely another will want me now that I have my Ryan'ness back.

to be continued......

Thursday, August 16, 2012

You're the Lucky One - The Miraculous Journey of Ryan Beaumont, Chapter 1

Shamelessly borrowed from the story The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo.

Chapter 1 - I'd Say Your Lucky 'cause I Know What You've Done

Once in a house off Broad Street there lived a young husband named Ryan Beaumont.  Ryan was very pleased with himself and for good reason; his career was to lead him to great things in life but more importantly he belonged to a beautiful wife named Shannon who adored him completely.

Each night Shannon would tell Ryan she loved him before they went to bed.  Of course Ryan would say "me too."  But Ryan couldn't really say it because he could not feel.

While Ryan was a considerate husband he was made almost entirely of work.  He would smile but mostly at the end of the week when his profits were made.  He dressed smartly but mostly to look good for his clients and colleagues.  He had a good personality because he was always trying to impress someone.  In fact in all Ryan was full of ennui, as long as it related to his career.

Ryan was a tall husband measuring 6 feet even and still had some of the "swimmer's body" left from before he was a husband.  In all Ryan counted himself as an exceptional specimen.  He liked things a certain way, quiet and efficient; he didn't like to think of unpleasant thoughts.

Shannon was a jewel who in Ryan's eyes deserved to be on a pedestal.  She had long fiery flowing Auburn hair and stormy blue-grey eyes.  Her eyes were as the ocean who's sparkle could yield a beautiful tranquility yet turn to a terrible storm in an instance.  She adored Ryan but was impetuous and jealous and prone to throw tantrums.  Each morning after she dressed herself for school she would leave Ryan with a kiss.  But when she returned and Ryan was otherwise engaged in his ascent up his career ladder she would cry with great lament.

"Oh Ryan, I said when the big hand was on the 7 I would be home for you," she would say as she often burst into tears "you disappoint me."

Ryan would say nothing .  He said nothing because he could not speak with feeling of course.  He was  a career husband and needed to accomplish great things before he could settle down to being a home husband.  Though Shannon had been attracted to Ryan's aspirations now she thought perhaps a home husband would do her quite well.

At times at night Ryan would look up at the stars as he lay next to Shannon.  He would wonder which great opportunity would be his.  Will his opportunity be this year or next.

And in this manner Ryan's days passed from one to another.

Oh there were little bits of drama from time to time.  Once he and Shannon went to a great festival in New Orleans town.  Ryan loved seeing Shannon dance to the energetic zydeco jigs along Bourbon Street and yet he always had an eye on people he might meet whilst in the city.  On another occasion Ryan's company asked that he help at another location that needed his particular expertise.  Ryan was very pleased with himself and so was Shannon.

Once another pretty girl started paying attention to Ryan.  She thought he special as well.  Ryan knew she thought him pretty and enjoyed the appreciation.  Even though Ryan wanted to belong to Shannon he surely enjoyed the attention.  Shannon was dismayed at Ryan's passive tolerance and underlying giddyness over the whole affair.  Shannon had been nothing but good to Ryan and didn't feel she deserved this.  But this too passed and Ryan remained faithful to his Shannon.

But he did not treasure her above his own glory.

One night Shannon told Ryan the story of the vain prince.

"Once there was a handsome prince but it made no difference because he cared for no one and so he could not love even though there were those who loved him.

One day the prince was asked to marry the daughter of another king.  He had known this princess as children and she adored him completely.  On the day of the wedding the prince was proud, he looked so galant in his wedding suit.  The princess was radient in her beauty and her love for the prince.  As the couple finished their vows the prince put the ring on his brides hand, she cried with joy as she said 'I love you with all my heart.'  The prince said nothing.  When his bride moved to put the finger on his hand he took the ring from her and studied it.  He pondered his surrounding for a moment and then he swallowed the ring and stated 'this is what I think of love.'  

The prince ran from the gathering.  This is boring he thought, he was restless for gallant activities so into the woods he ran.  But soon he was lost.  Soon he was cold and hungry.  He came upon a small little hut.  He knocked on the door.  He heard a voice 'enter if you must.'  The prince entered and found an old wrinkled lady craggly and broken in general appearance.  She sat at a table counting gold pieces one after another with no interest in the beautiful man that now stood in front of her.  The prince, confused that this woman was not delighted at his presence, said 'I am hungry.'  The lady said 'it is of no consequence to me' and she continued counting.  

'But I am a beautiful prince and my father the king, help me or there will be consequences,' he said.

'Consequences' is all the woman said in a confused reply.  The prince was confused as well now and pressed again for food.

The old woman then jumped to her feet and approached the prince and in an alarmed voice stated 'you dare talk to me of consequences, very well then we will speak of consequences; tell me the name of the one you love.  Quickly now, I don't have all day!'

The prince stammered and finally said 'love, why speak of love; I love no one.'

'You disappoint me,' the old woman said and she raised her hand and said 'riffdoggery!'

And at once the beautiful prince was changed into a warthog.

'What have you done with me,' the prince exclaimed as he ran out of the old woman's door.  Just then the horns of the Royal Guard blared in the distance.  The prince ran to them.  Unfortunately the Royal Guard now did not see a Royal Prince but a Royal Meal and they shot him at once.

Now inside the Royal Kitchen the Head Cook prepared the hog for the King's table.  But upon opening the belly of the great hog he found a ring.

The End

"The end,"
Ryan said confused.  Shannon said "yes, the end." Ryan still confused said "but there was no happy ending."  Shannon replied "you disappoint me Ryan, how can there be a happy ending with no love!"  "Ryan" she said, "one day you will have consequences, I hope you will be prepared."

While the story sent a shiver up Ryan's spine he did not linger on it long.  Life did move on for Ryan and Shannon.  They left there little house off Broad Street to another back on the east coast.  It was a lovely little house along a beautiful glistening river and Shannon did love it so.  On summer days Ryan would splash in the river as Shannon sat adoring him on the sandy banks.  But once again work was not glorious enough for Ryan, he sought greater kingdoms and again a smitten company sought his attention.

He asked Shannon to move again.  Regretfully, she did.

But she said "Ryan you disappoint me..."

Ryan did not linger on the thought.  Shannon would not be disappointed when he had acquired all the acclaim that was to be his.  When he was on his pedestal there would be plenty of room for her and finally he could place her on her pedestal.  And so they moved again.

But this time Ryan's career was not the next great opportunity.  In fact this next opportunity was in fact much like that old woman's hut from the story Shannon had told him, an evil trap.  Ryan struggled; he did not succeed this time.  Soon, nobody was interested in him any more.  Soon people did not bow to his wit and ingenuity.   Soon, they thought he was just another pompous lazy husband who did not deserve the high place life had put him.  Soon it appeared consequences would in fact find Ryan Beaumont.

And then it was one day fate asked of him "how does a young husband die?"

Of course he did not die in body for fate had a great storm in mind for him.

One day a smart woman from Ryan's company came to Ryan and said "you have been a bad worker others above me shall consider your actions."  Ryan considered his fate and decided perhaps this kingdom was no longer a good kingdom, perhaps he should seek greener pastures, and QUICK!

As if that was not enough of an insult Shannon was now not so enamored with Ryan and in fact Ryan was not exactly a young husband anymore anyway.  Shannon had met another husband named Brent who did put her on his pedestal and told her how lovely and smart she was.  Next to Brent, Ryan was now an old, frumpy, used up husband of no consequence.  Shannon told Ryan that she did not need him anymore.

Ryan was sad.  Because he was sad Ryan began to run.  He did not stop running until he returned to a place that was near to his beginning, way back before he was even a young husband.

The people of this new place did not know of Ryan's past exploits both great and vain.  They thought Ryan smart enough and asked him to stay.  Even though Ryan did not feel glorious anymore he did decide to join them.

Ryan begged Shannon to come to him one more time.  Reluctantly she agreed but this time her heart was not in it.  Ryan braced for Shannon to say "you disappoint me."  But alas, Shannon lacked even the strength to say that to Ryan anymore.  She moved back to Ryan but her heart remained with Brent.

to be continued.....

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Ryan Are You Goofin' on Riff Dog......

Who is Ryan, the Velveteen Husband, and Other Stuff

"If you believe they put a man on the moon.."

Yes that title is a rip-off from that REM song that references Andy Kaufman spoofing Elvis which I guess in a way is what I used to try to do with Riff Dog to get attention.
Could this be Riff?
Btw, several months ago I watched a Disney movie with my girls called "Radio Rebel."  The girl in the movie (Debbie Ryan) has a step-father who is a producer for a local radio station.  As I watched the movie it hit me that this is what I picture Riff  looking like.

Today I want to continue getting back on track by going back to the beginning.  My next few posts will retrace my steps in a Fairy tale'esque way.

But today, I will answer the question, who is Ryan.  No I am not going to reveal the guy who is typing these digits - he is WAY too boring.  What I want to talk about is how I evolved or devolved into the sort of caricature that I have created.

Two points first of all:

1.     I just like the name Ryan.  I always wanted to give my son a name that sounded like a baseball player.  Ryan fits that quite well.  Problem is, I never had a son.  But Ryan was going to be the name if I ever had a son.  Not only do I like it because it sounds like a baseball player (e.g. Nolan Ryan) I got to thinking about the name one night when I was watching that movie Ryan's Daughter.  I always loved that movie.  It is beautiful, tragic, and melancholy but for some reason I am always intrigued by that paradox.  In the movie two wounded people (a soldier physically and a woman mentally) form an ill fated romance against the beautiful backdrop of Ireland post WWI.

2.     Many years ago before Facebook and Zombie games there was this thing called Second Life.  I heard about it and one day when I didn't have anything to do I logged on.  You had to pick a character name from a selected list.  I chose Ryan and then went down the list of last names.  When I saw Beaumont it hit me.  That is who I wanted to be.  It said baseball player, all-American guy, Southern with perhaps a hit of Louisiana Cajun'.  And so I became Ryan Beaumont.  Until I realized that you had to pay to do anything in Second Life and then Ryan Beaumont, I guess, became some penniless phantom on Second Life and I didn't think on it again.  That is until I started wanting to comment on those blogs about Ashley Madison that I started to read in Spring, 2010.  And so I created Ryan again.  But this time he began to speak.  Soon, he started a blog.  And soon he became somewhat my alternative personality in this virtual world of blogging and Ashley Madison.

So what else do I want to talk about.  Oh yeah, back in 2009 right when the economy was tanking this strange movie came out Up in the Air (which btw happens to be the last movie Shannon and I went to together).  The main character was this guy Ryan Bingham which I just happened to related to.  And there happened to be this female character, Alex, that sure did resemble emotionally and even somewhat physically to the beautiful woman that sat next to me in the theater that night.

You see one of the hidden meanings of that movie is the evolution of a guy.  Ryan is a corporate machine chewing up mileage as if he was a robot.  I remember a customer of mine once saw me at a grocery store.  She laughed because she said it was odd to see me outside of the work environment.  She said jokingly that she just thought of me as some Animatronic device that just popped up every time she came in.  Of course she was to some extent right, through much of my life I have been nothing if not working.  Early in our marriage Shannon often would lament when she could tell I was in "work mode" which was the norm

But that movie, Up in the Air, was very moving to me as Ryan evolved through his relationship with Alex, his family (long lost but then found), and his young protege.  In the end he became alive because of the pain he felt when he started to feel for Alex.

Later when reading about the movie I found this article HERE, that compares Ryan Bingham to the Velveteen Rabbit.  I was gripped; that concept hit home so clearly.  I was not only Ryan but I was in fact the Velveteen Husband and I needed to get these thought out some way.

So I started to ask the question:

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. 

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand... once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always (the Velveteen Rabbit).” 

So my next trick for you before I get back to my story will be to recap my adventures to get you back up to speed.  I did the same thing at the end of last summer HERE.  But this year I want to do something different.  Have you heard of the story, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane?  It has similar themes as the Velveteen Rabbit.  So like the rip-off artist that I am I will now re-tell my story next week (briefly, hopefully) to the tune of that story so to speak.  After that I will get back to my current life or at least life from last January going forward and then maybe I'll catch up again some day, some wild and crazy adventures have certainly befallen Ryan in the last six months as is my norm.

"If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve then nothing is cool (REM)."

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Trying Hard to Fight These Tears, I'm Crazy Worried

As many of my dear reader's know I live near our nation's capital which allows me to have my fingers on the pulse of the many salient and most controversial debates that face our nation.  In the past I have commented on the Salahi break-up, the dissolution of the union between Bibi and Poldi (the eternal tortoise couple), and the congressional change to styrofoam coffee cups.

But today I have to comment about a really big topic.  No topic in recent history has challenged my moral conscious to this degree I must admit!

You see I LOVE Chick-fil-A.  And I don't mean I just love it, I frickin' live for CFA Sweet Tea.  I worship their perfect blend of buttered bread, sweet pickles, and breaded poultry.  Hell, I never even ate Cole Slaw until I tried it at CFA and now I love it.  I am a disciple in the truest sense of the word.   And OMG, what bad could be in any entity that could conceive of something as perfectly orgasmic as a Banana Pudding Milkshake!

Recently though controversy has come to my beloved CFA.

You see there is no better way to finish off a CFA meal than with a slice of their wonderful Lemon Pie.  But to my horror a few months ago I discovered that CFA was removing Lemon Pie from their menu in lieu of a more portable dessert for our transient culture, the Chocolate Chunk Cookie.  Now I am not against Chocolate Chunk cookies, I enjoy them as well but I'll be damned if I want to face a world without Lemon Pie.  This is the type of thing that enrages me.

Btw, what better way to echo my rage and angst than with those title lyrics above to the recent and cogent "teen anthem" Determinate by Lemonade Mouth!  Geesh that bass player is HOT.

So I am asking each of you to temporarily and silently protest the removal of Lemon Pie from Chick-fil-A's menu or better yet write to your congressman or the President of CFA and ask for the return of Lemon Pie.

But in the end regardless of what happens do what makes you feel good.  If you like Chocolate Chunk cookies go to CFA and buy them, more of your money will be going to that local "owner operator" anyway than to the CFA President in Atlanta.  CFA's "owner operator" business model remains one of the few ways someone can break into the restaurant business without being a millionaire.  However, if you are loyal to Lemon Pie go somewhere else like Best Pie Company and move on, selling your convictions with pride to your peers and positively advocating for your views.  I will likely continue to visit CFA.  In the end I can't give up my beloved Sweet Tea and I will just be left with the fond memories of many slices of Lemon Pie.

Make Sweet Tea not War!
Oh wait silly me I do seem to recall something else, apparently there is some other slight "tiff" involving CFA so I'll comment on that little minor dust-up as well, though it pales in comparison to the Great Lemon Pie Debacle.

OK so why does a chicken restaurant get into the Marriage Equality debate and furthermore why does it have to get in the way of my passion for Lemon Pie!

Oh heck who am I kidding I write a blog called the Ashley Madison Adventures of a Regular Guy Gone Bad who cares what I have to say anyway!  :)

My little tongue in cheek allegorical commentary on marriage equality is like this clip below from one of my all time favorite movies (please watch the last comment at the end).

In this clip think of Crazy Mel as those folks running across the desert (or in our current case to CFA) to stop Gay Marriage.  Crazy Mel's friend catches up to the Camel Driver (in our case Ryan the crusty old married guy) and exclaims if we don't stop them there they'll soon be here!  To which I say (well watch the clip, I think you'll get it).

You see my analysis is this, I am for social justice so I don't see why I, as a straight male, should be subjugated to the misery that is marriage while others get to be exempted out.  If homosexuals are bent on marriage equality I invite them generously to the misery!  I say what the Camel Driver says in the clip "they're welcome to it!"    :)

And 10 years later there is always Ashley Madison, I think they do same sex as well!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Or Mamma Told Me Not to Come

Kinky Sex

I first want to say thanks to Kat for putting all of this together, these have really been fun.  Kat conceived of this idea but sent out an e-mail asking for suggestions as she planned her topics.  I, of course, am always willing to put in my 2 cents.  Looking at the list of topics you can probably tell the few I may have had a little influence on.  If you know Kat you'll know subjects like Outdoor and Kinky Sex are right up her alley.  But if you have read this blog you might be suspicious that topics like "who are you going to screw right before the Mayan Apocalypse" and what is your "Super Bowl of sex" show the indelible, screwed up, and mindless fingerprints of moi. 

But for this month we are talking about Kinky Sex.  As I mentally began planning my Blog Chain posts this one in particular I quickly began to worry about.  First times, outdoor sex, lost loves are easy; we all have those.  But Kinky Sex and Ryan, I have to admit, is a slippery slope.  I know you're saying "what kind of stinkin' sex blogger are you that you can't come up with one kinky act in your whole life!"

Well, I know this is bad but I take the Jerry Seinfeld plea.  You see I kind of identify with him.  He likes humor obviously and has developed a schtick of being mindless and preoccupied with the mundane, kind of like your's truly.  I remember one episode where he was considering participating in a "three-some."  He was intrigued by the idea but was worried about the pressures associated with the fallout of doing a "three-some."  Jerry stressed over having to become "an orgy guy" if he ever did a "three-some" and that if he became an "orgy guy" he would have to do "orgy guy" things like unbutton his shirt half way down and have a mirror on his ceiling.  It became too troublesome so he decided against doing it.

That is how I feel about "Kinky."  It's not that I am against it.  I am sure with the right person I would do a lot of odd and unusual things.  It's just that I fear if I deeply engaged in the "kinky" lifestyle I'd have to become a "kinky" person and do "kinky lifestyle dude" things like wear sandals all the time and wear tight fitting dragon print tee shirts and grow a goatee or maybe even get "inked" or take on a nipple ring.  Too much for your's truly who, as my blog says, is the epitome of the "average" guy.  In fact if you met me you would probably say I'm related to Mitt Romney even though I'm a big time Dem.  But hopefully you get the point.  

So I'll try to get kinky today but you have to understand this is living on the margin so to speak.  It may be kinky to me but to Kat it's probably just a day at the office!    :)

But what I lack in quality I'll make up for in quantity and give you 2 stories!

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

I've lost a few #'s since this photo :)
Shannon's parents are on the conservative side.  So even after we were engaged we slept separately the few times I spent the night during our engagement.  Additionally, they were both essentially retired so they barely ever left the house so alone time was almost nil.  Her house was also a small rancher so no basement to slink off to for a quickie.   :(

So on one extended visit just before our marriage we (mostly me) were getting progressively more and more horny, the sexual tension was building.  To ease the tension we went out to a movie.  That really didn't solve things because 20 minutes in my hands were right down Shannon's pants.  By the end of the movie I was even hornier than I had been going in.  I was about to go nuclear.

We took the long way back to her house driving through some neighborhoods and looking at Christmas lights (it was the holiday season).  Finally we came to a dead-end.  One of those streets they start before they begin a new development but as yet no houses had been started.  I realized this was the spot I had been looking for even though I had not really realized I had been looking for a certain spot to do a certain thing!

I pulled around to the back of the cul-de-sac but facing back out so I could view on-coming traffic.  There we stopped.  And soon there we were kissing and fondling.  Quickly coats came off, shirts were unbuttoned, and undergarments were shoved to the side.

Shannon leaned down and gave me a nice smooth blow job, she is/was actually quite good at it.  As I have said I'm a rare guy who is not enamored with blow jobs but this was pretty nice.  But that is not how I wanted to finish up.  I let my driver's side seat all the way back and spread my trench coat out along the seat.  Shannon slipped over onto the seat, naked from waist down with shirt open and bra off.  I moved on top of her naked from the waist down as well.  I slipped in easily and we had quick and energetic sex.  Shannon is very delicate but sometimes she does like it hard and the floor-board of the car was excellent leverage to thrust into her.  Her legs were wrapped around me.  Shannon is very flexible and did this thing where she pulled my waist into her with her legs and feet while moving her waist in rhythm with mine.

Soon the windows were completely fogged.  The great view of on-coming traffic was useless as my focus was on the rapid and satisfying sex.  Luckily we were left alone on that cul-de-sac that evening and luckily it didn't take long for us to come to orgasm.

After we had a big laugh when I had a big stain on my jacket that would remain a fond memory of that night for many years.  I also remember the slight foot imprints from Shannon's feet temporarily on the dashboard of my car to both sides of the steering wheel.  Wouldn't that have been a great explanation had we been in daddy's car.

We got our things back on and drove home.  Shannon's mom and dad were glad that we had been able to get away and relax at the movies for a little bit.  I was glad that I had just released a lot of tension into the softness of their lovely daughters super fine body!

Mamma Told Me Not to Come

So around that same holiday season Shannon and I spent some time at the Beaumont residence.  The Beaumont home is actually not a large plantation on the Louisiana bayous as you might imagine.  It is however a "split-level" with the guest bedroom in the lower level.  Absolutely ideal when you want to screw your new wife as mom and dad are essentially two floors up.

The other thing that was great about visiting the old Beaumont homestead, other than seeing old friends, is that for some reason screwing little Ryan in his mommy and daddy's house always seemed to be a turn on for Shannon.  It was better than eating oysters.  Sure as we checked into the Beaumont hotel Shannon would be as horny as Kat on a Hot Tin Giant's Chippendale show!

So one night after a shower I walked down the hall to the guest bedroom to find my dear Shannon naked on the bed sitting on her knees with a timid smile on her face.  In response to my certain gasp and jaw dropping she giggled and leaned her body forward to all fours with back arched down and slightly wiggled her ass while continuing her sly smile.  With that "glint" in her eyes that always got me she said "you want to do it?"

Now what kind of question is that!

Thankfully I was only in my towel which probably hit the floor before the end of her sentence.  Shannon raised back up and I moved behind her.  I kissed her neck and fondled her breast, pinching ever so slightly until they were rock hard.  I then moved my hands to her waist and around her ass enjoying it's soft circumference.  I then moved my right hand to her pussy and pressed my finger into her.  She "oohhed" with delight.

Shannon then leaned forward and reached her hand back through her legs and gently grabbed my dick and guided it into her.

With that I screwed her as hard and fast as I could.  A mirror was in front of us and I could see her tits moving in the rhythm of my thrusts.  Our eyes meet in the mirror, she was enjoying the show as well.

It may have been a Three Dog Night outside but it was steaming hot in that room and I was definitely throwing Shannon the bone!

I think at one point I heard the dog outside the window to our left on her final "potty break" of the night.  But that was of no concern to Shannon now.

She moved her hips towards mine as well as our thrusts met with a delightful rapid fire smack of naked flesh.  Finally I did hear a muted gasp and mouse like squeek from Shannon followed by the indelible sign of even more wetness inside of her that told me she had cum.  I would not be far behind.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Retro Summer - the Old Posts: Honorable Mention - But then I Wasn't Wrong

OK, so I have just about goofed away the entire summer.  Just one more re-peat to go!  I know these re-posts are kind of like a Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast special - buy one get the next one free.  The first one tasted like *hit so why would you think the next time around it would be any better.   :)

You know what "they" say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on Ryan.  But as Einstein once said the definition of stupidity is reading Ryan's blog over and over again and expecting a different result.   :)

But anyway it has been fun for me contemplating my favorite posts.  It's also kind of worrisome.  You know you get to thinking you should be getting better at something but then I start reading some of my old posts and I think to myself "some of this stuff ain't that bad."  I wonder how I let myself get so sloppy.

This post below is one of my earlier posts.  I had really wanted to tell the story of this couple I knew.  I had recently gone to their wedding.  The story of their life is very sweet and I actually think it is a good navigational beacon for how we might all try to find this thing we seem to be seeking which is love, sex, or just someone to say "bless you" when we sneeze!

Retro Summer
Originally posted  May 16th, 2011

Maggie and Dalton

Part of my whole schtick about doing the music quotes actually goes back to when I was in marriage counseling.  The doc would ask us our feeling about things or to articulate how conflict would arise and how we would resolve.  Trouble is I am horrible about articulating my feelings particularly verbally, sometimes I can't even remember incidents just that I was mad at something.  The result was that I would always pull out some movie quote or scene that depicted my thoughts our feelings.  It seemed to work for me and kept the Doc entertained although to Shannon it was just another annoyance (of many).

Anyway about a month before this post I did a reflective post on the my Ashley Madison anniversary (see it here).  I thought it was OK although a little overly verbose.  I guess you could say I didn't love it.  What I wanted to talk about was how I thought things were supposed to be in relationships.  I had failed at my marriage, was starting to see how other had struggled in their marriages, and was starting to come to some conclusions about what it is we are all striving for.  But how to articulate.

Of course I could have tried to pull up a music or movie quote but then it hit me, the wedding that I had recently attended and the happy couple.  Of course there was no guarantee they were any more perfect then Shannon and I but there were some things they had done leading up to their vows that to me appeared like the right stuff.

So rather than trying to burp out some bullet points on what makes a great marriage or what should be on your check list before you get married I decided to tell the story of Maggie and Dalton.  And oh btw, I did put some bullet points at the end.  Sorry, I can only keep corporate "bottom line" focused Ryan out for so long.  :)

Retro Summer (Honorable Mention) - But Then I Wasn't Wrong Not Knowing How Our Love Would Grow
Originally posted May 16, 2011

How I think it’s supposed to be.

Writing about Sandra the other day made me remember about the wedding I attended last summer which was right during the first time I met her through AM.  Fairly soon after starting this blog I had given myself a mark on my mental blog list to write about the bride and groom from the wedding, Maggie and Dalton; their wedding, their lives, and what I thought their lives might be like.  In all this blogging about infidelity I thought it would be interesting and refreshing to write about what I think this married life is supposed to be about or at least what we hope it will be about when we enter.

And since this will be such as mushy/goopy blog entry I thought I would add an over the top romantic lyric quote from one of my favorite early 80’s bands, the Baby’s led by John Waite performer of other cheesy 80’s songs like “When I See You Smile (with Bad English),”  “Missing You (solo),” and "Change (from cheesy movie Vision Quest)."  You know the opening line to that title song is “Everytime I think of you, it always turns out good,” isn’t that really what we are all looking for?  So here is a cheesy 21st century blog entry to go with those cheesy 80’s lyrics – Say Cheese!  Take a listen to the song here while you read!

I have known Maggie all of her life.  She is the god-daughter of my mom and daughter of my mom’s best friend Jill.  Maggie is a millennial, graduating high school in 2000 – not particularly pertinent but gives you a time line.  Maggie is a beautiful, vivacious girl – much like her mom.  She was always good in school, good at sports (tennis, horse back riding, etc.), and always had a lot of friends – basically the center of any universe she was in at any given time.  She continued to do well in college.  After college she took a job back home as a paralegal with a lawyer who was a friend of the family (her family was always very well connected).  Her hope was to attend law school.  While in college she met Don.  Everyone liked Don.  He was not exactly a “go getter,” but had a great personality.  Don moved to Maggie’s hometown and they continued their relationship.  He was an aspiring photographer but was currently one of those guys who sell cellular phones at the mall kiosk.   

Finally, Maggie was accepted to a law school one state away.  But Don obviously cared for her as he followed her and things looked great when his company was able to find a job for him nearby.  Everything was lined up.  Maggie would get her degree and they would marry and live happily ever after.

Well, happily ever after intersected with failure when Maggie was not able to keep her first year grades above the minimum.  This law school apparently admitted more 1st year students than they had space for in the 2nd year so they necessarily chased a certain percent away and Maggie was now a part of that percent.  To add insult to injury Don decided he wanted to see other people so they broke up.

So Maggie limped back home now four years out of college with no job, out of law school, and one failed relationship she thought would end in marriage.  She moved back in with the parents and went back to work at her old law firm as a paralegal.  The lawyer btw was a contemporary of mine who had followed a boy out west, got married, had kids, divorced, went back to school, got her J.D. and now was becoming a very successful lawyer back home so sometimes you can go back!

Maggie lingered at home for about another year but then she got the bright idea to move to New York City, like the classic millennial she had friends there so she could live with them and get her start.  Of course, we traditional adults thought her crazy.

But Maggie forged ahead, went to New York and found a job as a receptionist at a law firm.  Through her friends she met Dalton.  And her job responsibilities began to grow.

Dalton is a high born son of a very rich lawyer in a large Southern Metropolis.  Dalton got his degree in Finance and now works for a hedge fund in NYC.  But his passion is actually music and writing.  He is in a band and has had a book published.

From the start everyone said they were meant for each other.  After dating for about 6 months they moved in together (again frowned on by her parents).  They lived together for about a year before they decided to marry and even then set a date about 1 year later.  Over this time however they really grew together, enjoying the company of this circle of friends that grew around them from their home towns and colleges – all millennials who had trekked together to the big city.  They also traveled together.  Dalton made good money and his family is loaded so they were able to afford extended vacations in Europe and South America.

And so when the big day came it was really more a culmination of the relationship that had formed, the logical next step on a journey together.

So, what a great story but what’s the take away (as I’ve said before) or better yet what’s your WITY (what’s it to you).

OK here goes.

1)  I think most of us know we learn more from failure and losing than we do from success.  But unfortunately while we excuse ourselves from ruining a white dress shirt because we washed it with pink underwear (I don’t actually wear pink underwear btw) we do not allow ourselves to celebrate our failures in love.  My biggest regret and why I feel I have failed in my marriage is that I never had that great cataclysmic failure at love in my 20’s.  How can you truly appreciate success and in this case love unless you have failed.

Maggie failed at love.  Maggie failed out of law school.   How tragic!  How wonderful!

By failing with Don, she knew when it was right with Dalton.  By not failing in our early adulthood so often we make the mistake of thinking we are with Mr/Mrs Right and later find out we are with Mr/Mrs Was Great at the Time.

I have to share some credit with fellow bloggers here (Elle from Sex and the Shitty) and Holly (a muse from past entries) who both gave me very thoughtful feedback on this post.  Elle aptly said “heartache is essential to strength and growth… through suffering; we are able to gain much clarity.”  She cited another quote “sorrow is a teacher and a purifier.”  Elle also gave me a very elegant quote from James Allen but it had too many clauses and long fancy words for my limited intellect to decipher J  But thanks Elle and Holly!

2)   Regardless of morality you need to live together before you get married.  You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving, why would you marry without test driving.  You need to make sure daily reality is not going to get in the way of loving and being intimate with your life partner.  If you can’t look past someone leaving their underwear on the floor in your 20’s you definitely won’t be able to when your 40 and likewise if you can’t form the habit of putting your underwear away because it bothers someone special then you are going to be a bear 20 years from now.

3)   Live your life before you settle down.  Get all the traveling, partying, screwing, drinking that you need to do before you attempt to settle down to life with someone you plan to be exclusive with.  No matter how much you love and care for someone if you feel you missed out on something in your youth you will always think the grass might be greener elsewhere.  That’s Shannon’s problem, she got married to me too young and never got to experience being a young single adult who can go as she pleased.  Hence no matter how good things are she always has had wonderlust.  Maggie and Dalton have done plenty of living and now I believe they truly want to do all their living going forward with one another (including traveling, partying, screwing, etc.).

4)   Have shared passions but be able to have a separate since of self.  They say if you have a job doing something you love you will never work a day in your life.  You need to have some shared passions with your partner so that you will always be choosing to go in the same direction because it is something you would choose to do even if they weren’t there.  However, you have to have the confidence to let your partner have separate passions. 

5)  Travel together; discover something for the first time together and you will always share something special.  Don’t you always remember the first time you saw something really big like the Grand Canyon, Disney, Europe….  Traveling together builds bonds and seeing and experiencing something for the first time together really builds a collective bond.  Of course, parenthood is most often that first great journey we experience together with our spouse but we need more.  Because once the kids are out of diapers you quickly need more in common than a tag team partner for bath, homework, and getting kids to soccer practice.

So that’s my little soapbox for the day.  I would love to hear any shared impressions from the peanut gallery.

And any of you 20-something ladies out there; now we really need to get Maggie’s brother Brandon married off.  Trust me, he is quite the catch.  A BS and MS from a world renowned university (yeah, it’s my alma mater), a great job, a wonderful personality, great looks (he’s blond and should be keeping his hair), a swimmer’s body, and a very faithful friend.

But regardless, be careful out there as Cat Stevens wrote “oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world.”

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Retro Summer - the Old Posts: Favorite Humor (again) - Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane

I know I just had a category for favorite humor a few weeks ago but I love humor so I had to pull these posts out as well.  Really that "Favorite Humor" post a few weeks ago really should go into the category of Miscellaneous Rants or Reflection.  You know issues like when it's appropriate to look at a woman's butt are really more philosophical discussions for me.   :)

Today's posts could really go into the category of Ashley Madison humor or spoofs.  So here is my favorite Ashley Madison spoof followed by 2 more.

Retro Summer (Favorite Humor) - Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane
Originally posted on May 17th, 2012

In spite of being a left of center kind of guy I do tend to believe the "free market system" is the best system in the world.  It allows us to be totally concerned with what benefits us most; taking care of ME!

In my professional life I have often been one of those "contracted" workers.  The guys you bring in because you don't want to do the dirty work.  "Bring in Beaumont, he'll clean up the poop for us" they often say.

So coincidentally the other day as I was thinking about summer vacation and travel I happened to come across this article about using social media and airplane seating.  Instantly I got one of those "ah-ha" moments (read here).  You see airlines like KLM and Malaysian Air are now letting you pick the person you sit next to on those long plane rides.

You got to hand it to those Malaysians to come up with the really BIG ideas!   :)

It goes something like this, you "like" Malaysian Air then you can share your Facebook profile and then other people who "like" Malaysian Air can see your profile and then you can decide if you want to sit next to one another.  Sort of like "friending" but at 30,000 feet and for only up to an 2 to 8 hour flight.

What a great idea and just in time for our summer travel season!

OK, so that sounds great in theory; kind of like socialism - let's all just share.  But I know me and when I'm flying I just want an aisle seat and for the person next to me to shut the *uck up and let me read or do the SWA crossword puzzle.  So I'm not really going to care if you crochet, graduated from Cow State U in '75, or have photos of your idiot nephew on your Facebook page.  What I need is REAL "free market" style info that might make me more interested in my "seat-mate" than just snoozing through the flight.

So let's ditch Facebook and bring in a real free market "gunslinger" to run this Social Media service for those airlines.  Someone who can deliver just what we need.  In the immortal words of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney's character in Up in the Air) "I'm like my mom, I discriminate; it's faster."

So I am proposing that Malaysian Air scrap the Facebook plan and go with Ashley Madison to run their "matching" site and deliver what we are REALLY looking for.  I can see it now.

Malaysian Airlines Meet 'n Seat
Powered by Ashley Madison

Flights are Short; Make 'em Worth it!

The Ryanator
"Can You Take Me High Enough"

Age:                                 45
Home Airport:                  IAD
Height:                              6'
Weight:                             175#
Limits:                               Less Talky More Sucky
Status:                               Stand By
Gender:                             Male
Ethnicity:                          White w/a tan
Drinking Habits:               Coffee before 4 pm; then Rolling Rock

Preferences and Encounters I am Open to:

Hey, don't worry, that won't be an underwear bomb I'm trying to detonate.  I'm just playing with myself!  In fact since I'm 45 and not flexible enough for the mile high club in the bathroom; how about a hand job and a 7 and 7.

But lay-off the footsie stuff, I like my leg room!

What Really Turns Me On:

I usually like women with big tits but if we're in coach plz be C cup or smaller!  And yes I'm a Dom so get you're arm off the rest, I like 'em both and no I'm not going to turn down the air!!!  Oh and if you're not eating those peanuts, I'll take them.

I want to look deeply into your eyes and read your soul!  That is if you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!  Otherwise I'll stick to my Kindle; gotta get through Mockingjay before my daughter!  :)  

What I Am Looking For:

I'm not in the mile high club, I've never had a 3-some, and I don't have an Asian girl on my portfolio so let's do it with one of those Stewardesses on the back jumpseat!

My real name in that pilot talk is (Bravo) (Echo) (Alfa) (Uniform) (Mike) (Oscar) (November) (Tango); I just love talking that pilot talk!  Btw, how about we share a vector to the Airport Holiday Inn; they have the best free breakfast in town.  Love those Cinnamon rolls (and the shampoo)!

Member Feedback:

Talks More Than Expected:     3
Spills Drinks:                            4
Shares Peanuts:                         0
Shares Drink Coupons             0
Better in Person:                       0
Snores When Napping:            1
To Much Electronics:               3
Drools While Sleeping             5

Btw, I'm trying to figure out a way to get Ashley Madison to partner with Pinterest because that is apparently where all the chicks are.  Anybody got any ideas???    :)

For A Smile They Can Share the Night
Originally posted September 18th, 2011

Or the Ashley Madison Adventures of a DC Divorce Crasher

This blog is many things.  Some decent music quotes, a few recipes, and few silly tales of a good guy gone bad.  But because I am one of those Insider Washington Elitists who believes the world revolves around that corridor between DC and Boston I feel I owe it to all you folks to bring you stories of vital importance!

So I just want to get out ahead of this story below.

Under that category of "who would have believed it would happen to them" apparently the Salahis of White House party crashing fame are now getting a divorce (see below).

Now this story seems to indicate former Journey guitarist Neil Schon as the culprit for the break-up.  Aparently she has returned to her former occupation of groupie (that was before she was a Redskins cheerleader alternate).

But just to forewarn you if you hear of any mystery NOVA guys Michaele may have met via the internet just turn the TV set off if they say anything about a Ryan Beaumont!  You know how the DC liberal media can skew everything!  :)

But then again, if I have any post down the road about DCPartyCrashHousewifey  you may know where it's coming from.

In fact just the other day I did see the following profile on AM:

"Into crashing backstages now!"
Age:     45
Height:  5'9"
Weight: 127
Appearance:  Fit

Preferences?  Shopping for Jimmy Choos in Chevy Chase (the suburb that is not stealing women's shoes from the SNL star), Bistros in Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria

What Turns Me On?  Aging stadium rock guitarists, the White House queso sauce, me in a Redskin's cheerleader outfit cheering for Chris Cooley.  Looking as good as Michelle (I plan on being bff's with the FLotUS)

What am I Looking for?  Somebody who is an invited guest and better yet the guy the party is for, I'm tired of crashing parties.  Someone who has their own show so I don't have to share the camara with other ladies who think they are hotter than me and talk about my boobs behind my back!  Dan Snyder to move to Dallas.  But really I'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world wanting to take the train to anywhere!

*  Authors Note:  I just had to add the Dan Snyder sentence.  :); Journey Groupie also checked everything except for Cottage Country and drug free!  I guess if you're going to be a rock star groupie you have to make some exception to controlled substances!

He's Walkin' in LA
Originally posted January 11th, 2012

I'd be glad to be walking in sunny SoCal today; although it's not too bad here today.

So I know you're thinking I live a really extravagant life.  Well I hate to burst your bubble but I don't.  In fact most nights when the girls are in bed Shannon drifts off to the computer to do whatever she does and I hop on the couch and watch TV.  From a few blog entries you can probably tell I watch a lot of sports and other worthless stuff.  In fact I'm reminded of that Anchorman Ron Burgundy quote "whatever is on that teleprompter Burgundy will read."  Well in my case "no matter what worthless teams are on Beaumont will watch that college football game."

So it was a few weeks ago that I was watching the Beef O'Brady Bowl between Marshall and Florida International (a real power match-up if there ever was one).  No I didn't make up that bowl game these corporate affairs need no changing; they are hilarious enough on their own e.g. the Poulan Weedeater Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Hyundai Sun Bowl, the Jiffy Lube Congressional Enema Capital Classic (actually that one I made up)   :)

Anyway the bowl game was pretty boring.  It was tied 10-10 until Marshall blocked a punt late in the game to go up by 3.  So I started channel surfing and found Kathy Griffin's latest comedy special from Atlantic City.  I love Kathy Griffin, she is so delightfully tacky!  Kind of what I aspire to be, meaning delightful as I know I'm already tacky!

About half way through the show she starts talking about "her gays."  She says they are always ahead of the curve on style, fashion, and now technology.  She says there is a gay app called Prowlr where you can put out your location and desire on your IPhone, pad, etc. so others close by can meet you.

And then it hit me - where is Ashley Madison on this gig!  I know you can get AM for you mobile phone to get messages but that doesn't really help for instant gradification.   AM needs an app so you can get a GPS to that special lad or lady that wants exactly what you want at that particular moment in time.

So as I thought of this I did as I normally do; I think WWRD.  Don't get it?  That's What Would Riff Do.

So I imagined a day in the life of Riff on AM's mobile app:

7:50 am - stuck in traffic on the 405, looking for someone to give me a hummer in my hummer; and share an HOV lane! #Riff

8:32 am - @ Starbucks getting my half caf w/soy milk/half non-caff w/organic grass feed milk w/guava spritzer at Starbucks at corner of Melrose and Vine.  Anyone want me to dip my love wand in my beverage and use it like a honey stick for your bubble Chi! #Riff

9:22 am - walking into office, meeting with Clay Aikin in 15 mins; do you think we can sign him! Who wants a threesome out there! #Riff

10:39 am - Done with meeting, who wants a quickie under the Hollywood sign #Riff

11:21 am - early lunch @ Spago; who wants fellatio off menu behind the dumpster, we're serving a big helping of my love juice.  #Riff

3:02 pm - leaving work for hollywood gym; ready to be submissive in gym tights!  Who wants to spank my ass while I do Yogalates!  #Riff

4:32 pm - tanning/massage appt at Asian Dolls in East Hollywood; who wants to roll me over for a hand job!  #Riff

5:01 pm - OMG, can't believe I'm working this late!  Only an intern
around here; if they won't take it in the ass from me again will you??

8:00 pm - Back home, ready for Celebrity Wife Swap.  How do I get in
on this!  I bet Michaele Salahi would love me and I did jam with Neal
Schon back in the 80's - we would be perfect!  #Riff

9:59 pm - Still thinking about Celebrity Wife Swap... I wonder what my wife would think of Ozzy?  'Cause I think I'd like to nail Sharon!  I would love to get behind her a yell "ShaaaaaaRON!"  #Riff

10:20 pm - Going to bed, another big day tomorrow!   :)  #Riff

Sorry, I just couldn't go any further into the year without shamelessly brown-nosing Riff!