One Never Knows Do One

Fats Waller was a jazz icon famous for several works such as "This Joint is Jumping" and "Ain't Misbehavin.'"  He is also famous for that great one-liner above "one never knows do one?"  I love a good malapropism like that.  It seems so obvious that even someone like me can understand it.  And yet perhaps it's true meaning is not so ephemeral.  I suspect it has something to do with balancing the reality of outcomes with life's journey, the pursuit of happiness, passion, and the search for reason.  Life gives you so many paths and you do your best to choose the right one.  However, in the end, you just don't know what life will deal you.  Then again the quote could really just mean "one never knows..." as in you never know what's going to happen when you eat at that Mexican place next to the railroad tracks?  It might be great.  You might end up just having gas.  You might get the *hits.  Or you might die of E Coli?  One just never knows, do one?  :)

As you know I write a lot about this woman in my life named Shannon.  In the blog she is my wife. Of course no idiot would use his wife's real name in his blog so that is not really her real name.  I use the name Shannon because my wife (not really Shannon) reminds me of this girl I had a major crush on in high school named Shannon.  Her name really is Shannon which of course would be stupid to really use her actual name in a blog but then again nobody really ever nominated me for a Nobel Prize in Smartness!  Then again maybe I'm being like Fats Waller and talking in circles just to confuse everyone which would be entirely possible if I were able to orchestrate something such as that.  But then again we are talking about me so how likely is it that any of that is the case.

But lacking something to write about I thought it might be nice to tell the story of the real Shannon and how she relates to my Shannon or rather my "not-Shannon."



Back then she looked like Selena 

Shannon was a bit nerdy through middle and early high school.  For some reason I remember me knowing she had a crush on me during those years.  When she returned for her senior year for some reason she was the "it" girl.  It wasn't that she went off and got breast implants or took a class on how to give a good BJ.  She just became the "it" girl.  "It" was really about attitude.  For some reason Shannon decided to be the "it" girl and everything about how she dressed and how she carried herself was "it."  In hindsight I really have to admire that.  I noticed her "it'ness" pretty quickly but I was not quick enough.  A friend of mine asked her out early in the year and soon they began dating.  They dated for all of our Senior year.  Toward the end of the year they broke up.  I thought I had a chance but alas fate always seemed to step in the way.  The sick thing is that she had at least three friends that were all interested in me and that were all arguably as attractive.  One of those girls has even achieved some fame as a consultant to a fairly high ranking government official.  I could tell you but he'd probably have to kill you!  :)

But silly me always had to chase the "it" girl and that "it" girl (Shannon) was always just beyond my reach.

We went on to college, me to Big State U and her to another local school that was basically the school you went to if you didn't get into Big State U.  Let's call it C+ State U.  Over the next several years I would see Shannon occasionally.  By my estimate she was a sorority party girl majoring in an MRS degree.  That was C+ State U's specialty!  At times I thought about the fact that she was so smart in middle school but had chosen a rather superficial pathway.  I lamented that she could have been much more.  Or maybe it was just sour grapes and I was really lamenting on how much more she could have been if she had been with me!  It's probably the latter.    :)

I graduated and went my way and I assume she went hers.  I did not see her again until our 10th high school reunion.  I know it would be great now to say we hooked up at that reunion.  But I had just gotten married to a hot young woman fresh off a Liberal Arts degree.  I was so proud carrying my Shannon around that I barely noticed the real Shannon.  I think I remember speaking to her briefly. I also remember she was one of the few who already had kids and she was on the arms of a very successful looking gentleman who I believe is a lawyer.  It seems we had both achieved our desires in life.

At this same point in time my Shannon, as I said above, had just graduated college with a Liberal Arts degree two years prior.  To many she may as well have been preparing for an MRS degree and had found her future soul-VP-mate in Ryan (that's me Ryan Beaumont not the Republican, you know, VP candidate - but you get that I suppose).  Anyway, Shannon had started graduate school but in truth was only discovering who she might be able to become.

At that 10 year reunion there was not much mystery to Shannon and Shannon, just two gorgeous women with their successful husbands enjoying the night.

Now let's fast forward 10 years later to our 20th reunion.  I remember the planners of the reunion put together a little portfolio of bios for all the attendees.  I was glad to see that Shannon was attending and read her bio with great interest.  Based on our 10 year reunion I was expecting Homeroom Mom, Secretary of the PTA, Girl Scout Troop Leader, yada, yada.  But to my surprise her bio was ripe with silly and funny comments about dealing with her teens and the musical fads of the day and low and behold a work bio that included what was becoming a very successful career in real estate.  Suddenly I was very curious to find out how life had turned out for my Shannon (or rather the real Shannon, I was all too aware of how life was turning out for my Shannon).

On the night of the reunion I did see Shannon.  Again, I really didn't speak to her at length.  I noticed her hubby was greyer, considerably chubbier, and had a certain dejected beaten down by life aura that was in stark contrast to his confidence he projected at the 10 year reunion.  I also noticed he and Shannon couldn't be any farther away from one another in that room.  Shannon herself was gorgeous and had not added anything to her petite frame except style and even more confidence.  Shannon had long left the nerdy shy image of her middle school years and even, though quite affable, had apparently left the party girl image of her college years.  Now she was a powerful woman that commanded a room.  I suspect even the most confident man would be tested by her.  I know this as this had become my experience with the confident powerful Shannon I had shared a life with for some years now.

I know, it would have been nice to be writing now that I scored with Shannon that night.  But hell, I didn't even score with my Shannon (who of course is not really Shannon).  My Shannon and I had similarly grown apart.  While we toured our various conversations that night in tandem, in reality we were miles apart.  But for a few moments on a balcony outside the reception I did look into Shannon's (the real Shannon) piercing stormy blue grey eyes and I realized that really those were the eyes I had been looking into for the past ten years.  That in fact my Shannon had turned out so very much like the real Shannon or was it vice versa.  If you have read my Shannon's Stories you will know this is true.

In the end I realized the Shannon I once sought was really the Shannon that I had won.  And the Shannon that I had won had become the Shannon that I had once sought.  And of course the Shannon that I had won was the Shannon that I had lost.  And part of what made me lose her was the fact that she had become the Shannon that I had never won.

In the end "one never knows, do one!"

Author's Note:  In writing this I could not help doing some google stalking.  Shannon (the real) is still doing great and looking great.  On her company "About Us" page she has those two letters "V.P" in front of her name just like my Shannon.  And Ryan just plugs on along tapping out blog post on that Potomac ridge.....

Thank You for the Music

You know a great and revered President once said "fool me once er uh shame on you.... uh, uh fool me - you can't get fooled again!"

I try to live by that doctrine.  You know I once did a post with an Abba lyric title.  I guess I could chalk up using an Abba song for a title to being fooled or just an instance of bad taste.  But now this time, oh boy; this just may mean I'm a fool!  As if that was new information!  But you know what, we all like Abba and really why not just admit it here on the blog right now!  :)

But I've got a reason for using this particular song.

Well really it's more like thank you for the mommies.  You see last week was school year end musical performance week.  I've written about this before - I dread them.  We do our school's performances in the gym and by the end my back is killing me.  I literally ache for two days after.  This past week after the performance, as my youngest was getting ready for bed, I had to spread out along her floor on my stomach to try to stretch out my back.  She actually stood on top of my back (giggling) for a few seconds to free me of some of the dull ache.  But I guess that is part of being an old dude or maybe it's more about being a finely tuned athletic guy who is not used to sitting for so long.  Let's go with the virile assumption.

Anyway, I am not so thankful for the music at the school performance as often it is way off key but I do so love seeing my girls perform.  The other thing I also love and why I am so thankful today is the mommies who make it worth the pain!

So I say:  "thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing.  Thanks for all the joy they're bringing.  Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty.  What would life be? Without a song or dance what are we?  So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me!"


The Moms of the School Musical, Part Deux (II)
Here is Part I

*     Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife II:

Just to remind you there is a Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife I that I wrote about before.  She was there in skin tight jeans, a tight tee shirt, and that slightly slutty wavy hair hanging down to the crux of her ass.  And she was thoughtful enough to sit between me and stage so conveniently I could look at her and it looked like I was watching the stage.

Mrs. Lawyer I

But today I don't want to talk about her, I want to talk about Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife II.  Mrs. Lawyer II is more the ex-cheerleader to Mrs. Lawyer's I ex-stripper.  There is a certain Ying and Yang to them.  It's funny because their lawyer husbands are similarly successful and arguably very handsome men and are also opposites on the Ying and Yang spectrum.  Mrs. Lawyer I's husband is the kind of lawyer you seek when you get caught with an expired tag, a hooker, and a bag of Crystal Meth on a Saturday night.  Mrs. Lawyer II's husband is the guy you talk to when you are concerned about the investment group that is putting together a package to buy your golf course.  Mr. Lawyer II is into real estate and knows what's going on behind the scenes.  You see Mr. Lawyer I on the front page of the newspaper behind the County Commissioner who just got arrested for screwing that hooker in Vegas on the County dime; Mr. Lawyer II is the one that puts together the land deal for that investment group developing the new business park.  Mr. Lawyer I is out front, Mr. Lawyer II is behind the scenes.  I know all of this probably isn't interesting to you but it is to to me so go ahead and sue me.  Wait, if you want to sue me for breach of contract that would be Mr. Young Law Couple (from an earlier post).

Anyway Mrs. Lawyer II is also a somewhat behind the scenes person while, as we know, Mrs. Lawyer I is way out there!

Mrs. Lawyer II

Mrs. Lawyer II has always been very perky and cute though perhaps just a bit "big boned" to be polite.  Still she has that behind the scenes pretty owing to immaculate cheek-bones, a perfect smile, and beautiful blue eyes.  In that sense her image mirrors that of her husband.  But over the past two years she has found a new religion - running.  I see her at my gym a few times a week in those hot yoga pants I love.  She is now running half-marathons.  She has also gone from "dirty blond" to straight blond and grown her hair out.  She has gone from Trisha Yearwood to a bit like Kristen Bell.  Except in this case going from Trisha to Kristen is more like going from a size 10 to a size 6 rather than losing 7 inches of height!  In my opinion she was perfectly fine in her Trisha Yearwood figure but nobody really consulted me.  Either way she was very attractive but now ba-baam!

This all makes me think what is all this running and personal growth replacing?  Wait, don't go there Ryan; you know the answer and you also know you can't cross that line of taking advantage either so just forget it!

Well Mrs. Lawyer's Trophy Wife II is quite nice to look at no matter how you slice it.

*     Mrs. Happy Tits:

What is it about women with big tits that seems to make them happier and with ZERO (0) personal body space.  Mrs. Happy Tits is a very nice and gregarious women.  She always wears a smile as well as a dress that augments those tits perfectly with a low hanging flouncy neck line that provides perfect contour to her bulging cleavage.  She also can't maintain a conversation without being 1 foot in front of your face which by definition puts her tits about 1 mm from yours.  This means there is no ignoring them!

You have three choices:  (1) grin and bear it and engage her in conversation or really just listen because she is a TALKER!, (2) knowing that you can only stand and listen to the latest Paula Dean recipe and what her Peekapoo just did for so long you have to politely break free, (3) wait there is no breaking free she'll never stop talking that long and those tits are not going anywhere so about 10 seconds into the conversation you have to take a look just like you do when you pass that wreck.  And of course the physical properties of the universe dictate that at the exact moment you give up and your gaze turns downward upon those soft giant knockers your wife will break free from her conversation and finally look at you for the first time that day and catch you looking!  Which will yield a nasty stair and an uncomfortable question later that night which goes something like this "I know you were looking at her breast does that mean mine are too small?"  Oy vey, dangerous no-win territory there buddy!  :(


*     Mrs. Earth Mom:

You know this whole concept of the sexy MILF has sort of evolved over the past two decades enforced by pop culture in movies (e.g. Stickler's mom) and music ("stacey's mom has got it going on...").  I don't know how or why this became outwardly popular but I'm sure we have always desired the MILF.

My theory is this, you can't deny our primordial urges.  As much as you enjoy looking at that 20-something hotty's tight ass on the tennis court there is just something that wakes up your prick when you see a hot mommie walking by with a few little "yard monkeys" walking behind.  It's that primordial urge of the cave man that says - "damn she's fertile, I want to plant a seed there too!"  Admit it, it's true!

Mrs. Earth mom is in her early 30's.  She is about 5'6," maybe 130# with pixie-like hair, and a cute and petite figure.  On the whole she is very attractive but I have to say I'm not sure I'd really notice her at Wegman's on a Saturday afternoon.  If you noticed she is the type you would find in the organic section buying green tea, non-animal tested shampoo, and she probably makes her own baby food.  Lacking make-up she has a certain wind-blow rusticity to her skin tone and texture.  But something about walking behind her as I take my kids into school and see her with her three small kids (ages about 2-5) makes me think.  Wow, she must have spent 5 solid years of *ucking and being pregnant.  Which for some reason is disturbingly attractive.



*     Mrs. Plain Mom:

I'm all about value so I value high value targets.  Mrs. Plain Mom is a high value target.  She is a teachers aide and involved in a lot of things around school.  She dresses very plainly, has shoulder length brunette hair, and rarely wears make-up.  I see her often but rarely notice.  It's not that she is ugly she just doesn't stick out.  I know you are saying, typical male asshole you think women were put on this Earth to be objects of your desire - screw you!

But remember a point I put forth in my holiday mommy post.  That is all women have the capacity to be beautiful!  I really believe this and Mrs. Plain Mom (and Nerd Mom from before) are my proof.

The other night she was just a few rows ahead of us.  She was in a long soft cotton sleeveless summer-style dress.  The color was earth tone so not a eye turner.  But as I looked more closely those short locks and sleeveless dress revealed very well toned sleek shoulders that formed the start of a surprisingly appealing contour that continued down a long shapely back and slowly expanded to soft perfectly correlated curves at her hips.  She had immaculate posture so her ass is perfectly shaped with respect to width and depth.  I started to imagine how gorgeous the curve of her spine would look as my eyes moved along the valley of her back to her ass should I ever have the opportunity to be behind her.

Mrs. Plain Mom was now not so plain but was an alluring temptress amid all the other mommies who were trying so hard to be just that.  That made Mrs. Plain Mom even more attractive, the fact that she was desirable but was not trying to be so and in fact probably had no idea how much a typical guy like me might desire her.

*     Mrs. Hot Young Teacher:

Apparently Ms. Hot Young Teacher (from my previous post) became a Mrs. or maybe she always was and I was just not paying attention which is possible since I'm usually more interested in asses than titles anyway.  But anyway Ms. Hot Young Teacher is now Mrs. Hot Young (Knocked Up) Teacher.  She is starting to show pretty well if you look at her in landscape.  However, from behind; well, she still has one nice behind!  I prefer to look at her in that light!   :)

*     Mrs. Power Mom:

Oh, I almost forgot to talk about Mrs. Power Mom.  Being somewhat of a holiday week she was not on the road and thus not showing up last minute.  That gave her time to prepare and look her best among all the other mommies that night.  And God forbid you give Mrs. Power Mom 4 solid hours to look good.  In 20 minutes she has learned to be presentable and professional.  Give her four and you'd look past Jennifer Anniston if she walked past.  Tonight she is in heels, tight white jeans, a low cut blouse with a necklace that accentuates that long beautiful neck, and make-up that sets off those piercing stormy blues eyes.  All you can say is, WOW!

Looking for Mr. Good Match

Over the past few months I've done a lot of reminiscing over past posts from the blog.  I enjoy writing about many things.  But perhaps this DC insider has the most fun when bringing fair and balanced commentary to big events that I am privy to here in this media capital that perhaps you in the field may have missed.  Big time events such as Mexican rent-a-marriages, the adventures of Octomom, or the family endeavors of the Duggars may be looked over.  Oh wait those are not the stories I see on Wolf Blitzer are they.  Well, truth be told, I live out here in the suburbs; home to long commutes, Wegman's, and the culture one gets from Dancing with the Stars and the Turtle Man.  But I do like to bring that DC media elite flavor to the stories I comment about.

My big news today is something I heard about a few weeks ago.

Martha Stewart has entered into the world of on-line dating!

Yes selling her special line of towels at J.C. Penny's, pots and pans at K-Mart, potpourri on Oprah.com, or aroma therapy pillows at Ikea is apparently not what she wants anymore!  She wants to be out here among us riff raff and see what she's been missing.

And I just can't miss this chance.

So here is how I'd approach Martha if she was on Ashley Madison or I was an available 60-something bachelor on Match.com!  This will be tough.  I'm tempted to ask her how she likes Appalachia but I don't think her last trip was not so kind to her.  But from her jail cell she probably did not get a good flavor for this part of the world so I want to bring it to her now.

You know I've been wanting to give y'all a taste of the Ryan Experience so here it is.  I do have a similar concept on the back-burner.  I created a faux Ryan account on AM some time ago and was going to invite my readers to read and wink at it in trade for a special message.  Maybe this will tempt your interest.


Here are some notes from Martha's profile:

“So while I’m open to all kinds of people, and love to be surprised, here’s what I know I appreciate in a man: Someone who’s intelligent, established, and curious; and who relishes adventure and new experiences as much as I do. Someone who can teach me new things. A lover of animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors. Young at heart.”


And here is my letter to Martha:

Ah Yes Martha - the good life; we all aspire to that, don't we!

So yes Martha I'm so glad this really is you.  And can you believe it, this is really me - Ryan Beaumont!  I'm established and creative as only creativity could have attracted 113 followers to such a silly blog.  You did say you wanted fun too, right!  Well since we are both here let's create an alternative third place beyond home and career where we can enchant and beguile one another along wondrous exciting adventures that raise that heartbeat and stimulate the imagination!  While I see your note on faith is "I'll tell you later," I'll tell you mine is sharing experience and hospitality and making others happy and fulfilled.  Particularly all my furry friends who would love to meet you some day.

Yes, I see you are fun and adventurous.  I'd offer to "Fly You to the Moon" but I'm not "Old Blue Eye's" so how about I offer you a quick plane ride down from ISP to IAD and we'll take an Appalachian Waltz in this Appalachian Spring.  I have so much to show you.

With a brisk hike up to a scenic overlook we can view the intersection of two rivers and three states and view a historic town where the course of America pivoted.  If you still have energy we may walk down to that town and glide above the trees.  From their I can take you along country rodes to a quaint and historic boutique distillery where we can refresh ourselves with a Peach Bellini.  If that only wets your thirst for our landscape we can continue down our beautiful vineyard trail and enjoy a delightful Ice Nebbiolo.  Let's pair that with a hot and fresh baguette and some Raspberry Goat Cheese.  Of course we are both "foodies" so after that we must enjoy the best of outer Beltway cuisine.  In my mind I see us at a delightful restaurant converted from a historic mill and draped with our area's most beautiful Magnolias.  We must enjoy the fresh heirloom Roma tomatoes in a wonderful Caprese Salad and maybe I can tempt you with one of my favorites shrimp and grits; they do it so well.

You might think me ADD but really I just have a great deal of energy and a lust for life.  I like to stay on the go whether it's kayaking on the river or biking along the C&O.

But I can slow down enough to talk about literature or history.  Perhaps we could compare ourselves to Holden Caulfield or imagine ourselves as Huck Finn.  I enjoy being challenged and don't mind alternative points of view.  And most of all I love to cook with or for someone special.

So there you go Martha, my adventurer, let's prepare a fine cuisine together - I can't wait to see what we come up with.  True I'm Southern genteel to your NYC sophistication.  But perhaps I can show you how to baste a Cornish game hen on a grille with a berry infused honey barbecue sauce and turn an Arnold Palmer into a John Daley and you can show me how to turn a average table into a showcase and together we can learn from one another and more importantly be young at heart.

And though I am not Old Blues Eyes nor can I "Take (You) to the Moon," surely we can "fill (our) hearts with song" and "swing forevermore..."

Take Care,

R


I hesitate to write this but extra admiration credit to anyone who can guess the locations I'm talking about.  Trust me, I'm not outting myself because I don't live exactly in those places.  Or do I, that might be a good red herring!  :)

 

FFF - Her Smile

It's Friday, are you FFF'ing?
If not click over to Advizor's Blog and check out what's happining!

I've been feeling like a real pest this week so I pinged Advizor on Wednesday morning to bug him about FFF.  I'm glad I did.  I've been carrying a song about LA in my head for a few days.  Odd thing is, it's a bluegrass song (listen here).  I sorta wanted to use the song and was hoping to steer him in certain direction.  He was nice enough to ask me for suggestions for this week's picture.  I picked the one below.  I then started to think about what I would write.  The song above "It's Raining in LA" is such a melancholy song that once I studied the picture I wasn't seeing a connection.  The picture below is very cute, sweet, and playful and deserves a happy ending (if you know what I mean).  Of course any time you have a beach scene and a happy ending you need a Beach Boys song for the backdrop.  So let's think about that Beach Boys song "Don't Worry Baby" as you are reading.  Btw Advizor the intro above doesn't count toward my 350 words (like I'll keep to that anyway)!

Guys should keep our mouths shut.  I spent summers in California, living with my dad and working as a Life Guard.  Though a good swimmer, something about my Midwest upbringing made surfing impossible for me.

That summer I finally started getting it.  It was about balance and feeling the surf through your toes and body.  But I could never compete with those guys who grew up with it in their blood.

That summer I also met Jeanie.  She was a spitfire, nothing gave her pause.  The surf guys wanted her if they only could catch up.  Maybe she decided to like me because the surf guys didn't impress her.  A skinny kid from the Midwest who dabbled in surfing but dreamed of being a writer was a turn-on.  Who knows, something attracted her to me other than my surfing.

The surfing did bring us together.  She did it for the thrill and I did it for the spirituality or truth or whatever it was I found riding the energy of the waves.  For some reason I found truth out there as I wobbled along.  I would never win competitions but something made me realize everything else that followed in life would make more sense now that I had ridden nature.

But Jeanie was one of the "surf-guys."  I was sure the key to winning her completely was being one of them.

So one day I went out to the Wedge with the surf pack.  This was hallowed surf for these guys. They wanted to show me up and show Jeanie that I didn't belong.

They hung-10 and I was hung out to dry, failing miserably.

After getting smashed into the break I waded out to retrieve my board.  I felt like walking all the way to Hawaii and never coming back.

In disgust I looked back but my frown quickly turned to a smile when I saw Jeanie walking into the surf behind me.  Her smile shone bright under the glare of the afternoon sun.

"Brian," she said.  "You know I don't care about those guys.  They are all show anyway, they don't really care about it the way I do.  You might fall off a lot but you get it and that's why I like you."

"But I'll never be like those guys you grew up with who can ride any wave."

"But Brian," she said.  "They don't make me want to do this," as she took off her bikini top.  "No matter what happens out there in the surf there is only one guy I want to be in bed with tonight."

In the background I heard a subtle cacophony of male voices chiming in "dude, you mean all I have to do is suck at surfing and Jeanie will show her tits?  Dude that ain't right!"

"Don't worry baby, everything will turn out alright...."

Now take a deep breath and enjoy some summer relaxation with the Beach Boys and here's to the Endless Summer!  And to Dick Dale and the Wedge.

 

 

 

Sorry Ad, I think I went over 400 but I did say what was happening on the beach.  As for me I have not had sex on the beach, unless you count drink shots!  But here are some links:

 

 

Favorite Outdoor Sex

 

Favorite Summer Fling

Ryan's Repeats - Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane

Truth be told you have to have a bit of an ego to write a blog for over two years.  You are also most probably going to have a real ying for personal attention.  Me, I'm a numbers guy who really doesn't mind seeing others succeed.  So given that you might think I'd be satisfied with having a good flow of blog hits each week.  Wrong, I really stopped tracking hits daily a long time ago.

But damn if I don't get completely perplexed over comments.  I kind of feel like those stewardesses telling you how to put on your life-jacket.  I see you looking but I'm feeling like nobody is paying attention (or maybe you are just looking at my tits like I do to the stewardesses when I'm not listening to them).  I have to admit I get a little diva bitchy when I see another blogger post a quote by some dead French guy and say "today sucks" and then get 20 comments.  Me, I'll mentally write a post for several days, shaping it as I drive to work or while I'm in the shower.  I'll think its good and post it and then "thud."  It's like the 4 way stop in my little town on a Saturday night - Nada, nothing, zippo, NO COMMENTS!

Sometimes I think I'd get a total hard on if somebody just told me to "*uck off DIPSH*T."  At least I'd know someone was affected by what I wrote!  Of course there is a part of me that says to myself "myself they are afraid to comment, does one comment on Shakespere, Hugo, Dr. Seusse?  Of course not!"  But I also think it might be like when you go over to a friends house and the dog comes out and starts licking its balls.  Part of you wants to laugh, part of you wants to puke.  But what you do is just try to ignore it and hope it goes away.  Of course unfortunately, with my blog, it just doesn't seem to be going away.  Anyway, I suspect a lot of people read, gasp at the figuratively canine ball licking, and then painfully move on.

OK so that is my comments soap box for the day.  I guess in my old blog age I've just gotten a little bitchy.  Pretty soon I'll need some Depends for this written diahrrea.

But luckily I did create one post that got 13 comments!  Well 3 of them were a mistake and one of them was mine but who's sweating those details anyway; I'm not the Tea Party and you ain't the IRS!  Bottom line though, I did get some good comments.  And Elle talked back to me in pilot lingo!  And it all had to do about airline travel which I hate.  You see, write something you hate to do and get lots of comments - no sense at all.  Oops there I go again bitching about comments again.   Anyway I was thinking about that post and turning a positive into a negative and found the picture to the right and the hilarious video clip below.  See even when you hate something you can find humor in it.  And once you find humor in it you really put yourself into it.  Maybe thats why I got all those comments.  Wait, shut up with all the bitching already!

Seriously though I really enjoyed writing this post.  I actually wrote it on a plane as I read an article in some in-flight magazine about social networking and then later saw something on yahoo news.  I knew I had to turn this idea into inspiration.  I think it worked, I may be onto something!  :)

But remember the most important thing in life is - don't judge too quickly!  It's even more important at 20,000 ft (check it out it's hilarious).

Ryan's Repeat
from May 17th, 2012.....

In spite of being a left of center kind of guy I do tend to believe the "free market system" is the best system in the world. It allows us to be totally concerned with what benefits us most; taking care of ME!

In my professional life I have often been one of those "contracted" workers. The guys you bring in because you don't want to do the dirty work. "Bring in Beaumont, he'll clean up the poop for us" they often say.

So coincidentally the other day as I was thinking about summer vacation and travel I happened to come across this article about using social media and airplane seating. Instantly I got one of those "ah-ha" moments (read here). You see airlines like KLM and Malaysian Air are now letting you pick the person you sit next to on those long plane rides.

You got to hand it to those Malaysians to come up with the really BIG ideas! :)

It goes something like this, you "like" Malaysian Air then you can share your Facebook profile and then other people who "like" Malaysian Air can see your profile and then you can decide if you want to sit next to one another. Sort of like "friending" but at 30,000 feet and for only up to an 2 to 8 hour flight.

What a great idea and just in time for our summer travel season!

OK, so that sounds great in theory; kind of like socialism - let's all just share. But I know me and when I'm flying I just want an aisle seat and for the person next to me to shut the *uck up and let me read or do the SWA crossword puzzle. So I'm not really going to care if you crochet, graduated from Cow State U in '75, or have photos of your idiot nephew on your Facebook page. What I need is REAL "free market" style info that might make me more interested in my "seat-mate" than just snoozing through the flight.

So let's ditch Facebook and bring in a real free market "gunslinger" to run this Social Media service for those airlines. Someone who can deliver just what we need. In the immortal words of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney's character in Up in the Air) "I'm like my mom, I discriminate; it's faster."

So I am proposing that Malaysian Air scrap the Facebook plan and go with Ashley Madison to run their "matching" site and deliver what we are REALLY looking for. I can see it now.

Malaysian Airlines Meet 'n Seat
Powered by Ashley Madison



Flights are Short; Make 'em Worth it!




The Ryanator
"Can You Take Me High Enough"

Age: 45
Home Airport: IAD
Height: 6'
Weight: 175#
Limits: Less Talky More Sucky
Status: Stand By
Gender: Male
Ethnicity: White w/a tan
Drinking Habits: Coffee before 4 pm; then Rolling Rock

Preferences and Encounters I am Open to:

Hey, don't worry, that won't be an underwear bomb I'm trying to detonate. I'm just playing with myself! In fact since I'm 45 and not flexible enough for the mile high club in the bathroom; how about a hand job and a 7 and 7.

But lay-off the footsie stuff, I like my leg room!

What Really Turns Me On:

I usually like women with big tits but if we're in coach plz be C cup or smaller! And yes I'm a Dom so get you're arm off the rest, I like 'em both and no I'm not going to turn down the air!!! Oh and if you're not eating those peanuts, I'll take them.

I want to look deeply into your eyes and read your soul! That is if you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose! Otherwise I'll stick to my Kindle; gotta get through Mockingjay before my daughter! :)

What I Am Looking For:

I'm not in the mile high club, I've never had a 3-some, and I don't have an Asian girl on my portfolio so let's do it with one of those Stewardesses on the back jumpseat!

My real name in that pilot talk is (Bravo) (Echo) (Alfa) (Uniform) (Mike) (Oscar) (November) (Tango); I just love talking that pilot talk! Btw, how about we share a vector to the Airport Holiday Inn; they have the best free breakfast in town. Love those Cinnamon rolls (and the shampoo)!

Member Feedback:

Talks More Than Expected: 3
Spills Drinks: 4
Shares Peanuts: 0
Shares Drink Coupons 0
Better in Person: 0
Snores When Napping: 1
To Much Electronics: 3
Drools While Sleeping 5


Btw, I'm trying to figure out a way to get Ashley Madison to partner with Pinterest because that is apparently where all the chicks are. Anybody got any ideas??? :)

Kat's Chain - And Many Fantasies Were Learned on that Day

Kat's Chain

The Sexual Bucket List

So I'm a cut to the chase sort of guy so here is the real Ryan bucket list.  It involves sweaty energetic sex with a uniquely feline lady.  I'll give you a hint - her name starts with a K and ends with a T and rhymes with bat and hat!  :)

Ah that cleavage looks familiar!

I can't say I'm a big fan of the Human League.  That song "Don't You Want Me Baby" has sort of stuck with me as symbolic as I've felt a certain Svengali relationship with Shannon similar to the relationship depicted in that song.  But really I imagine Kat as looking like Joanne Catherall, one of the lead singers in the group.  And if you watch the video of the song Fascination (lyrics above/video below) it does look like you are plunging into a big Orange vagina as the video starts!

Maybe that's my fantasy bucket list to have a retro-80's dance party in Kat's vagina!  But now I be trippin'. :)

So what would be on Ryan's sexual bucket list?

It would be too sad to say he wants to have passionate sex with Shannon once more like they did before, though it would be true.  Oh if he could have one more chance to have those beautiful sleek legs wrapped around him he would be such a happy man!

It would be too shallow to say he'd like just once more to experience 20-something sex with one of those girls at the gym if only to see the bounce back action of a 20-something well toned ass.  Yes, he can't help but think about it.  And oh how that one fitness instructor does flirt - temptation!  Yes Ryan does anything for her, he is putty in her hand.

It would be way creepy to say he'd like to meet up and hook up with someone as Ryan Beaumont and to have a complete sexual liaison in that persona far separate from his own.  But that would seem like Catfishing or Flyfishing or some bad thing he shouldn't do.  But tempt him still and he might.

It would be very true that he would love to run away for a weekend at the beach with Sandee where they wouldn't have to watch the clock and worry if someone might wonder why they weren't at work this afternoon.  But when and how could that happen.

If any or all of those things could happen Ryan might be satiated for a time.  If Ryan could be satiated perhaps he could settle down and not be so restless.  Perhaps he could just watch a sunset and enjoy the moment.

Yes, there is the bucket list!  To be Satiated.

Ryan would like for a moment to be sexually satiated.  For there are only two moments better than the point of orgasm.  One is the moment just prior as your stomach gets that going down the hill roller coaster sensation.  The other is just after as you are satisfied and in that blissful moment when nothing really matters.  It is in those moments after sexual satiation when pizza tastes a little better, the wine a little sweeter, the sunset a bit more vivid.

If you could be satiated for a moment wouldn't you then be ready to kick the bucket?

Nah, I still want to do K*t.  I've not done a threesome either so let's throw in Cara for good measure!  :)

OOHHHH, and chocolate chip cookies after!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan's Repeats - But Then I Wasn't Wrong Not Knowing How Our Love Would Grow

Doing these re-peats has been a fun way to go back through the blog for me.  A lot of times I simply forget that I wrote certain things.  At the risk of being too hubristic I do think some of that old stuff is pretty darn good.

I wrote this post in my earlier days.  I think I was still trying to figure out who I was as a blogger.  In some sense my evolution as a blogger has mirrored my devolution into Ashley Madison.  Meaning there was a time when I was a really good guy and wrote thoughtful things from a good guy's perspective (even if I was writing about bad things like chasing married women).  Then I started to seek and (hopefully) find humor and I sorta became a bit of a scoundrel on this bloggosphere (I guess I am just a 'regular blogger gone bad').

Anyway, reading this post again I think its pretty darn good. Its a really interesting story and I think, if I do say so myself, I have some pretty good take-aways at the end.  Well I quote a very good blogger at the end so that in itself makes it good (thanks Elle).

As a footnote Maggie and Dalton are doing great two years after the marriage I speak of in the post.  They have a chic flat in Soho and have great jobs and have a blast living the young life among their peers in NYC.  We went up to NYC this fall and got to spend some time with them (and enjoy possibly the best brick oven pizza I've ever eaten).  It's not the life I'd choose and probably not the life their parents would have chosen for them but the important thing is, its the life they chose together.  They have truly taken that proverbial road less taken and are happy for it.

Ryan's Repeats:

from May 16th, 2011.......


How I think it’s supposed to be.

Writing about Sandra the other day made me remember about the wedding I attended last summer which was right during the first time I met her through AM. Fairly soon after starting this blog I had given myself a mark on my mental blog list to write about the bride and groom from the wedding, Maggie and Dalton; their wedding, their lives, and what I thought their lives might be like. In all this blogging about infidelity I thought it would be interesting and refreshing to write about what I think this married life is supposed to be about or at least what we hope it will be about when we enter.

And since this will be such as mushy/goopy blog entry I thought I would add an over the top romantic lyric quote from one of my favorite early 80’s bands, the Baby’s led by John Waite performer of other cheesy 80’s songs like “When I See You Smile (with Bad English),” “Missing You (solo),” and "Change (from cheesy movie Vision Quest)." You know the opening line to that title song is “Everytime I think of you, it always turns out good,” isn’t that really what we are all looking for? So here is a cheesy 21^st century blog entry to go with those cheesy 80’s lyrics – Say Cheese! Take a listen to the song here while you read!

I have known Maggie all of her life. She is the god-daughter of my mom and daughter of my mom’s best friend Jill. Maggie is a millennial, graduating high school in 2000 – not particularly pertinent but gives you a time line. Maggie is a beautiful, vivacious girl – much like her mom. She was always good in school, good at sports (tennis, horse back riding, etc.), and always had a lot of friends – basically the center of any universe she was in at any given time. She continued to do well in college. After college she took a job back home as a paralegal with a lawyer who was a friend of the family (her family was always very well connected). Her hope was to attend law school. While in college she met Don. Everyone liked Don. He was not exactly a “go getter,” but had a great personality. Don moved to Maggie’s hometown and they continued their relationship. He was an aspiring photographer but was currently one of those guys who sell cellular phones at the mall kiosk.

Finally, Maggie was accepted to a law school one state away. But Don obviously cared for her as he followed her and things looked great when his company was able to find a job for him nearby. Everything was lined up. Maggie would get her degree and they would marry and live happily ever after.

Well, happily ever after intersected with failure when Maggie was not able to keep her first year grades above the minimum. This law school apparently admitted more 1^st year students than they had space for in the 2^nd year so they necessarily chased a certain percent away and Maggie was now a part of that percent. To add insult to injury Don decided he wanted to see other people so they broke up.

So Maggie limped back home now four years out of college with no job, out of law school, and one failed relationship she thought would end in marriage. She moved back in with the parents and went back to work at her old law firm as a paralegal. The lawyer btw was a contemporary of mine who had followed a boy out west, got married, had kids, divorced, went back to school, got her J.D. and now was becoming a very successful lawyer back home so sometimes you can go back!

Maggie lingered at home for about another year but then she got the bright idea to move to New York City, like the classic millennial she had friends there so she could live with them and get her start. Of course, we traditional adults thought her crazy.

But Maggie forged ahead, went to New York and found a job as a receptionist at a law firm. Through her friends she met Dalton. And her job responsibilities began to grow.

Dalton is a high born son of a very rich lawyer in a large Southern Metropolis. Dalton got his degree in Finance and now works for a hedge fund in NYC. But his passion is actually music and writing. He is in a band and has had a book published.

From the start everyone said they were meant for each other. After dating for about 6 months they moved in together (again frowned on by her parents). They lived together for about a year before they decided to marry and even then set a date about 1 year later. Over this time however they really grew together, enjoying the company of this circle of friends that grew around them from their home towns and colleges – all millennials who had trekked together to the big city. They also traveled together. Dalton made good money and his family is loaded so they were able to afford extended vacations in Europe and South America.

And so when the big day came it was really more a culmination of the relationship that had formed, the logical next step on a journey together.

So, what a great story but what’s the take away (as I’ve said before) or better yet what’s your WITY (what’s it to you).

OK here goes.

1) I think most of us know we learn more from failure and losing than we do from success. But unfortunately while we excuse ourselves from ruining a white dress shirt because we washed it with pink underwear (I don’t actually wear pink underwear btw) we do not allow ourselves to celebrate our failures in love. My biggest regret and why I feel I have failed in my marriage is that I never had that great cataclysmic failure at love in my 20’s. How can you truly appreciate success and in this case love unless you have failed.

Maggie failed at love. Maggie failed out of law school. How tragic! How wonderful!

By failing with Don, she knew when it was right with Dalton. By not failing in our early adulthood so often we make the mistake of thinking we are with Mr/Mrs Right and later find out we are with Mr/Mrs Was Great at the Time.

I have to share some credit with fellow bloggers here (Elle from Sex and the Shitty) and Holly (a muse from past entries) who both gave me very thoughtful feedback on this post. Elle aptly said “heartache is essential to strength and growth… through suffering; we are able to gain much clarity.” She cited another quote “sorrow is a teacher and a purifier.” Elle also gave me a very elegant quote from James Allen but it had too many clauses and long fancy words for my limited intellect to decipher J But thanks Elle and Holly!

2) Regardless of morality you need to live together before you get married. You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving, why would you marry without test driving. You need to make sure daily reality is not going to get in the way of loving and being intimate with your life partner. If you can’t look past someone leaving their underwear on the floor in your 20’s you definitely won’t be able to when your 40 and likewise if you can’t form the habit of putting your underwear away because it bothers someone special then you are going to be a bear 20 years from now.

3) Live your life before you settle down. Get all the traveling, partying, screwing, drinking that you need to do before you attempt to settle down to life with someone you plan to be exclusive with. No matter how much you love and care for someone if you feel you missed out on something in your youth you will always think the grass might be greener elsewhere. That’s Shannon’s problem, she got married to me too young and never got to experience being a young single adult who can go as she pleased. Hence no matter how good things are she always has had wonderlust. Maggie and Dalton have done plenty of living and now I believe they truly want to do all their living going forward with one another (including traveling, partying, screwing, etc.).

4) Have shared passions but be able to have a separate since of self. They say if you have a job doing something you love you will never work a day in your life. You need to have some shared passions with your partner so that you will always be choosing to go in the same direction because it is something you would choose to do even if they weren’t there. However, you have to have the confidence to let your partner have separate passions.

5) Travel together; discover something for the first time together and you will always share something special. Don’t you always remember the first time you saw something really big like the Grand Canyon, Disney, Europe…. Traveling together builds bonds and seeing and experiencing something for the first time together really builds a collective bond. Of course, parenthood is most often that first great journey we experience together with our spouse but we need more. Because once the kids are out of diapers you quickly need more in common than a tag team partner for bath, homework, and getting kids to soccer practice.

So that’s my little soapbox for the day. I would love to hear any shared impressions from the peanut gallery.

And any of you 20-something ladies out there; now we really need to get Maggie’s brother Brandon married off. Trust me, he is quite the catch. A BS and MS from a world renowned university (yeah, it’s my alma mater), a great job, a wonderful personality, great looks (he’s blond and should be keeping his hair), a swimmer’s body, and a very faithful friend.

But regardless, be careful out there as Cat Stevens wrote “oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world.”