Tuesday, April 30, 2013

A Message to You (Ryan)

"Stop your messing around
Better think of your future
Time you straighten right out
Creating problems in town"

In my new streamlined format I'll probably just be doing one post a month on my current affairs (double meaning here).  So here it is.

I think our last Sandee post took us just past the New Year.  So I guess I should fill you in on what I've been doing over the winter and spring.  Of course around here winter could be two weeks ago and spring could have been back in February.  But that is a question about global warming and other nonsense so let's just keep it simple.  What have I been up to recently.

Ryan's brand of profane reflection!
That last Sandee post was kind of reflective almost.  If you read it you might think I sat around and contemplated deep feelings and was getting in touch with emotions.  Maybe I was reflecting on how I fit into this universe and what was the meaning of life.  Sometimes I do stuff like that but then invariably Talledega Nights comes on and I grab a beer and some BBQ chips and come back to Ryan-reality!

So here was the deal.  Shannon didn't want a divorce but damn sure wasn't going to do anything to make our marriage better.  I had to decide if I was going to make one final effort or just give up.  Give up sounded cheaper and easier than another $350 spa certificate and $80 bottle of North Coast Pinot that surely would work no better than the last trip to Nemocolin or Boca Raton worked.

Sandee was in a miserable marriage and needed to escape.  We continued to have a great time together whenever we could.  But the clock was ticking.  I couldn't expect for her to stick around indefinitely.  If she could get a job back home near her folks and escape her jerk of a husband I'd be the first to tell her go; I cared for her that much.  Then again, if I cared for her wouldn't I divorce my wife.  But then again part of what made Sandee attracted to me is that I did care and what kind of person would I be if I made my kids deal with a divorce?  If I was that uncaring how could I care about Sandee and she for me.

I lost my train of thought.  Bottom line I really didn't know what the *uck to do.  Hey this is a blog, you ain't my boss so I can admit stupidity here.

So in this position what would you do, what would any sane middle aged man do?

That's right, you'd log onto Ashley Madison again.  You know the blog is getting kind of boring don't I owe it to the world to go out and find some new material?

That's right, I do!  I do owe it to my dear readers to log on.  And you know it never hurts to keep up your skills.  I could just write to a few ladies, no commitment, and just keep my fingers in shape so to speak just in case I really do want to seek a new lady.

And so on a cold night when I was working late in February I logged onto AM and found an old friend of sorts.  Really not an old friend just a very interesting lady I wrote to the last time I faced a moral dilemma and ran to AM in response.

Her caption read "Just looking for Rhett Butler."  That was pretty much all I needed, I got that in SPADES!  I wrote about 1,500 characters of my best stuff.

As before she wrote back - "you are hilarious."

Over the next few days I sent several messages to her with all my best stuff.  We had a big snow storm and I had ample opportunity to ask her if she was OK (seeming caring) and yet funny and cool asking stuff like "are you taking advantage of all these flakes to get in some good skiing" or "any good snowball fights down there?"  I was generally getting messages back (encouraging) but always cryptic "darlin' we got 17 inches down here, no lights for three days," was one reply.

That "darlin'" thing really got to me.  A gorgeous blond with rapier wit and intelligence and she is prone to saying "darlin'."  I was smitten, you know I have a weakness for sassy Southern Belles!  Quick message to ladies out there who go through hoops to make men interested, often it just takes something easy like saying "darlin'" to us!  :)

At some point you might have asked about my title today, "A Message to You.." It sounds so severe.  What message should Ryan be getting.  Well in the height of desperation guys will do the strangest things.  As one who blogs about AM you might think me immune to such poor etiquette on the site.  But faced with a women who seemed to be what one might call "the Holy Grail" of ladies on AM even the great Ryan was prone to doing something stupid.

So here is what I did.

I don't think Sun Tzu had a quote for this?
We had talked about our familiarity with the general area where she lives.  Remember she was a little outside my normal range, about a 1.5 hours south.  I remembered going to a restaurant near to where she lived that had been voted as the "Best Bathroom in the South" by Southern Living Magazine.  I kid you not they had the cover framed right there in the "throne room" as you might say!  This was a pretty well known restaurant and has that great and quaint Southern grace about it.  I thought mentioning the restaurant along with it's well earned prize would be the perfect balance of style, class, and humor (as she did seem to enjoy humor).  But then hubris got the best of me.  I wanted to roll the dice, up the ante.  You see I'm a pretty good looking guy and of course I am a fantastic writer (you know) but this lady (according to her pics) was really at a different level I have to admit.   Knowing she was a nurse I assumed (maybe wrongfully) that she would be prone to seeking a doctor with a Jag with looks like Dr. McDreamy.  I needed some separation, something that screamed "this was the guy to be with, Mr. Excitement!"

So I thought, what do I have that really makes me stand out?  Of course these are the times that rational thoughts melt away and gravity pulls the cognitive process down to organs south of the brain.  It's when a guy starts thinking with that famous organ about half way from his brain to the floor that problems arise.

In that moment of cognitive penile rationalization I realized, "I've got it," I'm a world renowned blogger!  :)

And so toward the end of my message I did roll those dice and said.  Oh btw I do write a blog of some note http://regularguygonebad.blogspot.com/.  Check it out some time, I'd love to here some of your impressions of this silly little site.

The next day I see a message in my mischief e-mail box "Message from VaNurse4U."  I was excited, I logged on to Ashley Madison only to find out the "note" was a notification that my "Private Access" had been revoked.  Darn, what a tease but lesson learned, the blogging tactic doesn't work so well.  Well, let's be real; it don't work when you write a lame blog about Ashley Madison Adventures!  :)

Well no damage really done there.  An opportunity that was probably never really there lost.  I hid my AM profile and logged off.

But lo and behold out of nowhere (well not really nowhere just Plenty of Fish) came a familiar message from another long lost friend.

You see amid that desperation I not only logged onto AM, I logged onto that other site POF.  Actually I did a few more notes on POF because, you know, you can do that for free and I am always a fan of free.

So practically a hour after getting my notice on AM from VaNurse4U, a message from Gr8Lady4U came into my mischief e-mail box as well (via POF).  At first I didn't think too much on it.  The ladies on POF tend to be a little more forward, it is not unusual for me to get a wink or even a quick message.  Most of the time the message is from "MotorCycleGranny4U" so I don't get too excited.

But immediately I remembered her.

Hey there surprised to still see you here.  Have you not met anyone.  I still think about getting over to ********, would still love a tour if you are still in the tour guide business.

Hope you are doing well, M

It was Mrs. Decorator from my old e-mail queen days.  I think I also referred to her as "Sandra-lite."

I wrote back and included an article that I had recently read that I thought she would enjoy.

By the end of the day I got back:

"you do remember me, thanks!  It's good to hear from you.... Cheers"

You gotta listen to the song below - what a great cautionary tale for AM!  :)

"Stop your messing around

Better think of your future

Time you straighten right out

Creating problems in town"

"(Ryan) a message to you....."

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Try to Remember the Kind of September

Buddy, ain't that the truth!
Just so you know I'm a very cerebral person.  I think a lot.  The difference between me and say Einstein is not how much we think it's more about what we think about.  He thought about stuff like time and space and the universe.  Me, I'm the kind of guy that wonders why people all line up at one end of the buffet even though they could go straight to the salad bar and avoid the lines.  I had a roommate in college that thought like me.  We used to talk about a lot of weighty topics.  I remember he once said he was allergic to mint and we had a whole discussion one night about if one could in fact be allergic to mint.  I held that you couldn't because mint was a flavor and thus contained no matter with which to be allergic too.  He countered with "so you're saying mint flavoring is anti-matter?"  He said that mint did have a leaf so it did have matter.  I think he won because oils really can cause allergic reactions (e.g. nutes).  We also used to talk about other things like our desire to be "bubble guys" at sporting events.  You know the guys that used to hold up that satellite disc that uploaded the camera feed.  I know shallow, but that is the stupid stuff I used to think about in college and sometimes still do.  In many cases I'm still that cerebral person on issues of no consequence!  :)

Along those lines I never quite understood that song above (Try to Remember).  To me September never really seemed very mellow at all.  It meant that I was back to school and things in fact seemed really hectic.  I never looked forward to September at all, it certainly was not mellow.  Through my career Septembers have remained very hectic, it just tends to be a very busy time at work.

Over the past 20 or so years, much as I did growing up, I always looked forward to the holidays and to May and then into summer.  I also always dreaded the gloom and doom of January.  It was back to school or back to work and those long winter months seemed an eternity to the longed for relaxation and relative easy of May and June.

But over the past five years I have kind of evolved and changed my tune.  September is still hectic but the excitement of fall and back to school is invigorating after the long summer months.  Summer can be inconsistent and off-schedule.  By the time September gets here I tend to be glad it's on it's way.  The holidays are still great.  Seeing the joy of children is always exciting.  But for an adult, the inconsistency can be exhausting in it's own way.  In fact the dread of Winter is now something I look forward too.  January and February tend to be months when we do NOTHING.  And I like it.  No camps, no performances, no vacations, no big events at work just the same old, same old which can be very relaxing.  At least until I get bored and start looking forward to Spring and the excitement of those end of year activities and the joy of planning for Spring Break and summer vacations.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as I get older I've evolved and I enjoy the pace of the entire year.  I tend to want to savor everything and enjoy each moment as if I were sampling a fine Merlot.

Is it really 3 months to thong season?
Yeah, that is what I want to talk about today the evolutionary process.  That's a weighty topic I can really sink my teeth into in my own way.  Another thing we used to talk about back in college is how all the hot girls disappeared over the winter.  In early September and late April the bikinis came out as the girls layed out in from of ****** ******* Hall at Big State U.  But in January and February it was as if they disappeared.  Big State U was a frozen wasteland; a veritable Land North of the Wall with nothing to look at but fellow male Night's Watchmen.  Depressing.

But as with my evolution in finding satisfaction with all seasons of the year so society evolves.  And so my evolutionary hypothesis is that the female species is advancing faster than their male counterpart.  How do I come to this conclusion you ask.  By natural selection of course.  Females are evolving and us poor guys are just getting left in the dust.

My evolutionary evidence and I guess you could say "tribute" of the day is to Yoga pants.  People like Einstein might celebrate the Theory of Relativity. I celebrate the invention of Yoga pants and the evolutionary tract that yoga pants have created for womankind.  For with Yoga pants those "Hotties" no longer have to hibernate over the winter.  Now they can flash those nice round ass cheeks in public 12 months a year in warmth and comfort.  This is truly an evolutionary step forward.  I know this because there is even a website for Women in Yoga Pants.

Guys?  We just look even more fat in that gigantic North Face jacket. The stocking cap doesn't hide the fact that you are bald.  That Ravens hoodie you are wearing just makes you look like a big black tent with a stupid bird emblem on the side.  Let's face it unless you are still able to keep up that ex-swimmer figure or you're one of those Metro-sexual European dudes, no matter what you do you are still a middle aged guy with no style.

But if you are a lady just slip on a sleek black pair of yoga pants and Badonga-donk!  Yep, we're looking at ya'!  Yes those yoga pants are oh so good at keeping things curving just right; framing those cheeks perfectly.  Who'd of thought that the next great invention would be a way for a woman to just roll out of bed, tie her hair up in a scrunchie, pull on some pants, and then turn heads like Beyonce!  Nobody is going to call the cops on you for public indecency and yet in them we can tell just what it's going to look like when we are in front of the mirror (us behind you).  And that is a beautiful mental image.  And yes, stay with the scrunchie, it's hot knowing just what you are going to look like tomorrow morning when I wake up next to you!  Because you know that evolutionary thing means don't make it too complicated for us to figure it out (we're only about 2 genomes away from Neanderthals you know).

OMG, and you have to check out this article.  Apparently you don't have to bend over and prove your yoga pants are too sheer at Luluemon boutique in NYC!  But if you are with me you are still welcome too!

So ladies, congratulations (as if you didn't know it already) you win the evolution game.  I quit, I need to get back to my twinkie and NASCAR!  :)


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Ryan's Repeats: It Started Out with a Kiss

You know as I've begun to wind things down on this blog I've started reflecting a lot.  What was the "Golden Age" of my blog; what was the "High Water Mark?"

"Oh Jesus Ryan..... having one of those hubristic moments Shannon speaks of are we?"    :)

OK, so at what point was I having the most fun at this.  Of course goofing on Riff was always funnest.  But once I got crankin' on my Sandee story it was without a doubt the funnermostest!  :)

I guess it was because Sandee and I are really similar people.  We both tend to laugh at life and don't mind laughing at ourselves.  We bring out the playful adventurous side of one another.  It tends to get us in trouble sometimes but boy do the posts just write themselves when I'm writing about her.

want some cheesiness with that wine!
For some reason I think these post resonated with readers.  I have always been fairly successful with hits on this blog (for what I consider a fairly minor blog).  But for some reason I've never really gotten that many comments over the years.  Maybe I'm not controversial enough or maybe (as I am in life) I'm just too aloof and people don't tend to reach out and give me that mental pat on the shoulder as many bloggers seem to get.  Anyway, the Sandee stories, for some reason, always got a lot comments (for me at least).  The comments ranged from encouragement to down right scolding that I was such a dolt for putting up with Sandee's wishy-washiness.  Lord, if you guys only really knew me and how overly tolerant to a fault I tend to be you'd really scold me.

Looking back to last April though it really was the high water mark of this blog.  The posts just poured out of me with such ease and in a fashion that was as fun to write as it was to experience.

This post is also a good example of "less is more," it's pretty efficiently written if I do say so myself.  I think it also is somewhat typical of how I have come to enjoy writing.  I tend to enjoy writing a little about the music that moved me for the post, pivot to make a gentle connection, and perhaps pull in some other life experiences and then tell the story.  Often I enjoy coming back to the song in the end sort of weaving it in as a take-away I guess.  Idk, it sounds like good logic as I write it just now!

After you read the post below check out these "kissing" related posts in my Sandee series:

from Echo and the Bunnymen's Lips Like Sugar
from Siouxsie and the Banchees Kiss Them for Me

Awesome video by the Killers for this song btw.  To me it almost seems like a scene from a debaucherous Poe story centered around some Renaissance party.  So much promise, anticipation, and desire but ultimately fate in the form of crazy Eric Roberts seems to trump all.

Ryan's Repeats:

from April 19th, 2012........

This song by the Killers is somewhat of an updated version of Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out with Him?" In my case I wouldn't be asking that of Sandee because I was in fact going out with her. But from the outside looking in you might be thinking the thoughts of the writer of those two songs.

Btw, Mr. Brightside by the Killers was a local favorite in the Vegas Club scene in the early 2000's before the band signed with a UK Indie label. It took off from there proving that not everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Mr. Brightside was voted song of the decade by some radio stations in the UK and is one of the most listened to tracks since the age of on-line music. As for that Joe Jackson song, I still always associate it with fond memories of summers out by the pool back in the day.

At this point I had been on Ashley Madison for about a year and a half. I had probably written over 100 notes to various ladies throughout the Greater DC area. Almost every time I wrote I mentioned going to and relaxing at a local vineyard for some wine tasting as a great date in my intro. It always sounded like a catchy thing to write and I did in fact enjoy those vineyards in and around Loudoun County just about 40 minutes outside the Beltway (depending on traffic). They are in fact a wonderful diversion from the city.

However, to date - and in spite of all the messages I had written, I had never actually taken one of my AM girls on a wine tasting afternoon. Keeley and I had planned to meet at a vineyard over in Maryland but it never panned out. We got sidetracked, I was not disappointed!

Finally that was to change. The week after our kayaking debacle Sandee agreed to ride out to one of those vineyards, do some tasting, and take in those lovely fall views of the Blue Ridge Mountains! This was perfect; it would be fun, romantic and I would be back in my element and I would not let the opportunity slip!

We met at a Shopping Center and then drove out to the country. We first stopped at my favorite vineyard and did the whole wine tasting thing and then settled on our favorite and sat outside with our glasses and a nice baguette and some cranberry goat cheese. The view of the grapes, the last lingering colors of the mountains were wonderful. Sandee was getting a little silly; she is small and not a big drinker. Or maybe I'm just that funny? No, I think she was definitely "buzzed."

We left that vineyard and drove to the next town. I took her by this little local co-op store that sells local produce, gifty stuff, and bakery items. Our time was getting a little short so we moved on.

I took her to another somewhat smaller and secluded vineyard I knew of. They have a particular berry infused wine I thought Sandee would enjoy. We stopped by the tasting room and had a glass and I bought her a bottle to take home. This particular vineyard has a nice pond by the tasting room with a trail to walk around. We took a stroll and settled on a little bridge at the other side going over a little creek. We lingered there and enjoyed the view and talked. I moved my arm around her and she slightly nestled into my chest.

She did finally turn to me slightly and I moved in to kiss her. She didn't stop and there for the next several minutes and in spite of anyone else who might have been around (I don't think there were though) we had a nice lip lock.

It was hard driving back to that Shopping Center and saying bye but I was sure things were looking good. We planned to meet the following week for lunch and another walk at the lake.

"It was only a kiss!"

The Killers - Mr. Brightside:

Friday, April 19, 2013

FFF - Stolen (Moments)

Happy F-F-Friday!
So that means head over to Advizor's page and read up on all the sexy stories or better yet add one yourself!

"Let me take you to another place where nothing ever seems to matter..."
It was a hot morning in Port Jose.  She walked back from the bathroom and knelt over me.  As I looked up into her eyes and heard the soft sounds of the jazz composition in the background I wondered if this was a stolen moment.  Her soft cafe au lait skin and long dark hair reminded me of another composer of a Stolen Moment.
Tired of school and the jazz scene in Georgetown I took a semester off.  I mixed coffee and adventure by signing on to teach  English to "coffee kids".  I hopped a plane down to Guatemala and trekked into the Antigua region.
My Senora de Compania was Angelica.  She would take me to the village, introduce me, and make sure I had what I needed to begin.  She immediately spotted my saxophone and prodded me to play for her.  Along the route I gave her an ongoing jazz session as the bumpy roads allowed.
In the coming days we became quite taken with one another.  She liked to sing back in her home town on the coast and could use a skilled musician to accompany her.  I agreed and we decided to venture down to Port Jose for a weekend "get-away."  She spoke a lot of her family and growing up on the coast but when we arrived we went directly to the bar to an upstairs studio where we could "arrejuntarse."  I didn't know what it meant but given there was just one mattress in the corner I had my hopes!

That night we performed at a small nightclub.  In that smoky hot club the sound of my saxophone melted into her angelic voice.  If musical notes could intertwine into a sexual grasp ours did that night.  We made love on that stage to that Harlem Blues song and others.

As much as we made love on stage, that night we fucked.  On that mattress we changed keys from our harmonious romantic pairing of the stage performance to a fast and sweaty rhythmic syncopation in that hot Port Jose room.

And now I look up at Angelica's warm eyes and beautiful naked body and wonder which act was truly stolen and which was real.
 OK Advizor, I think I'm north of 360 words so I promise I sent out at least 7 invites!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Ryan's Repeats: Should (Twenty) **** (Eight) % Appear too Small, Be Thankful I don't take it all.

You know one of the benefits of writing a blog this long is that you start looking forward to certain posts one might do annually.

You mean I still owe more!
Well it's Tax Day in America which means it's time for one of those favorite posts of the year - my tax day rant.  The day I get to pretend I'm a Tea Partier!   :)

Except this year I'm so lazy that I'm going to amend my returns by using my 2011 Tax Day rant for this year's tax day rant.  I'll even throw in a link to my 2012 Tax Day rant (here).  I kind of like it this way, it makes me appear transparent!  Mitt squawked over giving up any of his returns and here I am giving up three years of Tax Day rants.  Makes me feel like a 1%'er!

Speaking of those tax brackets I remember the first year, a few years back, when Shannon and I finally flew off that tax chart in the back of that 1040 booklet.  I have to say I felt a little proud.  Well at least until I multiplied that taxable income figure by 28% and could only take off a measly $7,940 and then came up with a figure just north of 4 figures.  Crap, where is that Cayman islands tax shelter when I need it!

Damn!  That sure sucked!  Well I'm sure they spent it well.  :)

But I just have one question with my returns this year.  In spite of all the talk about cutting government spending and eliminating waste on funding stupid projects like fruit fly research could we PLEASE just have ONE wasteful government program where we spend ridiculous amounts of money researching how long a mid-40's white guy (like moi) can keep it up while getting blown by a 20-something, big titied, blond, stripper!

See for me that's a meaningful use and good stewardship of the public's tax dollars!

Ryan's Repeats:

from April 14th, 2011.....

'Cause I’m the taxman, Yeah, I’m the taxman

I hate that I received such a wonderful compliment earlier this week from Prowling with Kat and then follow with a dopey posting. But I had this on my “to do” list so here goes. And I will write a more appropriate response to Kat a little later.

But for now Kat, I very heartfelt thank you!

Yes tomorrow is Tax Day in America, the ultimate “anti-holiday.” So in celebration of the $1,900 additional chunk Uncle Sam is taking out of my rear end I thought I would write a celebratory post!

But don’t worry; I’m not a wing nut so this won’t be any tea party rant. I think I said once I’m a left of center/Bill Clinton kind of guy. I would say I like the current Pres but Bill and I are BBQ eaten, lecherous, skirt chasin,’ southerners so I feel a kindred spirit with him! A rare bread of straight southern male WASP’s that are blue’s. Yes, I proudly walk to the beat of a different drummer! OK, enough politics.

So here’s the deal. Rather than take my $1,900 and drop another bomb on the Middle East, why don’t you let me keep it and really stimulate the economy! Come on Mr. Pres, I know you really are a Keynesian (as in John Maynard Keynes, father of public sector macroeconomic monetary policy; not Kenya). So if you monetize me, I’ll make it work for the greater good! :)

Here are some of the things I could do and the outcomes:

  • Ashley Madison – spend more money and allow Noel Bitterman to move into a bigger house thus stimulating the housing sector and helping all the skilled workers that will build the house
  • Hotel Industry – Meet more women on AM, spend more time in hotel rooms thus stimulating this sagging sector. And with all the sheets I’ll tear up it will help the textile industry as well
  • Restaurant Industry – I’m a classy guy, I always like to take my special ladies out to lunch so think of the help here and I’m a good tipper as well so it will help the waitron as well (bet you didn’t know the neutered word for restaurant servers).
  • Big Oil - Yes, let's throw some more money to the oil/gas sector with all those miles I drive to my encounters!
  • Wine Industry - I love to bring a bottle to any hotel encounter, can you say Northern Coast Pinot! Yes, Northern California has been hit very hard by the economic downturn so any California Red's I buy will be a big boost.
And most importantly for Womankind….

I think you know the answer here! My goodness, the amount of stimulus I could deliver to the women of the world……Priceless! J

Sorry, I know I’m a smart ass!

And I guess that was all politics but a little sexy don’t you think!

I promise some cliffhangers in my Sandra and Shannon stories next week. 


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Kat's Chain - Good Times and Riches and Son of a Bitches I've Seen More than I Can Recall

Spring Break Sex

For each of Kat's Chain posts I have written about an experience I had not yet written about.  I like to keep it original you know!  However I'm going to part from that just slightly and rehash something I've written about before.  Yet the stratagem this time is that I have not written about this experience on this blog.

Sugarloaf Key, Florida
My first Spring Break sex post was as a guest blogger on Kat's Blog on September 9th, 2011.  At the time Kat was inviting other bloggers to post on her blog and do "Fantasy Friday" posts.  I was jealous because Somewhere Man had already written a Fantasy Friday post on Kat's blog so I had to jump in.  In my post (on Kat's blog) there was some fantasy, I'll give you that, but it was based in reality.  I kind of like the fantasy better but the reality wasn't so bad either.  So for today I'll give you the reality behind that "Fantasy" post from long ago.

But before I get to that I have to say I'm not really a "Parrot-head" but I do enjoy Jimmy Buffet and nothing will get you in the mood for Spring Break like a Jimmy Buffet song.  I enjoy many of his songs but I think the lyric above from the song Changes in Latitudes Changes in Attitudes is one of my all time favorite.

So let's talk about Julia and a Spring Break long ago in college and in my heyday so to speak!

One Guy, 4 ladies - what fun!
As I mentioned in the post on Kat's blog, back one Spring Break in the early '90's I went on a trip to the Keys with one of my best friends Meredith and her 3 (yes 3!) roommates.  I have to admit I had thoughts that something might "happen" between Meredith and I.  She was probably the most enjoyable person I have ever spent time with and I could really drown in those beautiful blue eyes.  Meredith's roommates were not real attractive though.  Well one roommate, Julia, I had never really paid attention to.  She and her boyfriend were quite the "grudge couple."  While I do have Liberal tendencies I have to say the noxious fog of Patchouli smell that was always emanating from Julia was a big turn-off for me.  But collectively the ladies were a fun group and I looked forward to the get-away.

As we started down the road the three M's (as they were often called, Meredith's other roommates were Maggie and Melinda) drifted to the back to sleep and I was left with Julia as shot-gun.  It was OK, she liked music and she ended up being pretty interesting to talk to and apparently she had forgotten her jar of Patchouli.  In fact, sans boyfriend she cleaned up pretty good!  :)

By the time we got to the Keys (about 18 hours later) she and I had established a pretty good rapport.

Upon arriving at our campsite (I don't think I mentioned that we were going to be camping) I had to get out and get some fresh air.  I took a jog down the road the campsite was on (and away from Rt 1).  About a mile down the road I came across a washed out bridge.  The road continued on the other side but I decided not to wade across the water.  But the image of where that road might lead held to my psyche.

That night we headed into Key West for dinner.  For some reason, I can't remember now, we headed back to the campsite somewhat early with a case of beer and intentions of drinking it.  Apparently Julia was not a beer drinker.  I am but I'm also opportunistic.  Julia had noticed a wine store right at the intersection of Rt 1 and the road to the campsite.  She wanted to go and I wanted to accommodate so we took a stroll to said wine store and selected a bottle of George de Boeuf Beaujolais Village to consume.  There was an inlet that ran along the road to the entrance of Sugar Loaf key where we were staying.  After opening our bottle and beginning to share (directly sipping from the bottle) we meandered over to a dock along that inlet.  We soon found ourselves sitting on someone's boat, sipping our George de Boeuf, and gazing at the stars in the Florida sky.  By habit my arm found it's way around Julia's shoulder and by instinct my mouth found hers and soon we were enjoying a tasty kiss with a hint of dry red table wine.  Yes, her lips were an excellent year, aged to perfection with just the right tannins, floral notes, and no Oakey ending on the palate!  Away from her grungy boyfriend her hair was soft and there was not pungent odor of "hippy smell," just the seductive feel of her soft slight body next to mine in the warm night air.

Unfortunately the drunkin' M's found us and we were interrupted.  But I had resolved to revisit that kiss and I thought I knew just the place to find it again, perhaps beyond that washed out bridge I had found earlier in the day.

The next day in the late afternoon after a day at the beach I asked Julia if she wanted to take a walk and she said yes.

Hippy shake in the sand would be nice!
We walked down the road and found the washed out bridge.  We did wade through the water about 20 feet to the other side and continued down the road.  Toward the end of the road we did find the water and a secluded beach area.  We waded through the water and then just sat on the beach.  Julia laid back on the sand and closed her eyes (looking a bit like the young lady to our left).

Why didn't I *uck her on the boat!  :)
At some point she looked up at me squinting and beneath her arms and said "you look a bit tense, you should lay back and relax; it's very nice."  At some point our hands met and we held each other.  Eventually I broke the ice and rolled over and began kissing her.  Looking back I think this scene could have turned out much like my Fantasy Friday post.  I am pretty sure Julia would have been OK with it.  However, in this instance, I was the nervous Nellie.  You see this place seemed just a bit tooooo secluded and remote.  Something about the area just said "Colombian drug cartel hideout" to me.  IDK, I guess I was just paranoid but I couldn't concentrate.  I had images of us ending up like those college students in Tourista or the Beach.  Well those movies hadn't been written yet but hopefully you get the point.  I was out here to get laid not to be fodder for a teen slasher movie.

Anyway I chickened out (for now) and we walked back to the camp to get the M's for dinner.

That night we partied some more in Key West.  For some reason we came back around 11 pm (I think someone was already passed out drunk).  Julia and I had been keeping pretty close, dancing to the Carribbean sounds at Sloppy Joe's, we didn't want to leave.  So we struck a bargan (which was good for me).  We took the other girls back to the campsite, dropped them off, and Julia and I drove back to Key West.  Except this time we didn't stay that long.  We walked along the street for some time.  We found our way to another marina and shared some more moonlight kissing.  But nothing was going to happen there amid all the drunking college kids on Spring Break.  So I offered to get another bottle of "George" and we were off back to Sugarloaf Key.  For some reason we forgot to go back to the wine store.  Perhaps it was the fact that her hand was inside my pants massage my dick throughout the ride home.  We headed back to camp, me wishing the other girls were all in one tent (we had two).

As luck would have it the others were all in one tent and passed out.  That left tent #2 for Julia and I.  We crawled in and zipped the tent behind us.

As I turned around to her she flung her arms about me and we were kissing.  In one smooth move I ran my hands under her light fluffy tank top and glided it up and off her body.  She was not wearing a bra.  I quickly got out of my shirt and we were chest to chest kissing.  My next move was a similar sliding motion with my hands, this time in a downward motion under her shorts and down toward her knees.  She giggled slightly and then fell back onto her back.   I slid her pants the rest of the way off her legs.

My pants were quickly off and I was quickly onto her.  She was wet and I slide into her easily.  Soon our bodies were slick with sweat and our bodies glided over one another.  It felt like we would melt together.  Her wetness from inside adding to the sweat provided the perfectly slippery path along her inner thighs for me to slide in and out quickly and rhytmically.

Julia moved her lithe body into me pumping her hips into my thrusts.  Her high pitched voice squeeked as she came and I was not long after.

We were a sweaty mess and we just laid side by side for probably a half hour air drying in the night inside that tent.  We kissed a little more but I said I was thinking about taking a shower.

This post is getting a little long now so I will be short with the after-play.  Surfice to say I was not as paranoid about a shower with Julia in the family cabana of the camp park at 3 am in the morning.

The next morning we woke up in each other's arms.  It was a great night but I think Julia soon found herself missing Mr. Grunge.  I could tell her guilt precluded another night like before so I spent the rest of the week unsuccessfully chasing Meredith as I would off and on for another two years.  Because I'm a nice guy I let the night's events stay between Julia and I.

For all I know Julia and her grunge boyfriend flew away to Seattle and have a wonderful life together.  Although by now I'm sure they are in a split level in Redmond by now.

Oh well, such is life but as I like to say:

"With all of my running and all of my cunning if I couldn't laugh I would go insane..."  :)

And remember - as Jimmy says:

"The lower the latitude the better the attitude"

If you are interested here is the other Fantasy Friday post I did for Kat back in December, 2011.  It's an ode to a song and a lovely lady with lyrics intertwined into the tale.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Ryan's Duets - If You are on Fire Show Me!

Ryan's Duet with Sassy
I started talking with Sassy about this post about a month ago.  When we discussed topics she quickly shot out the song above "Show Me."  Apparently it's sung by some English chic named Julie Andrews that performs it on stages and sings things things called "show tunes."  I told Sassy I was thinking more along the lines of something I could understand like "Friends in Low Places!"  :)
But Sassy held firm, apparently she is more into the Theatre than low life bars and BBQ joints.  But I guess that is what makes these Duets fun, the contrast in style.  So Sassy is a violin and I'm the fiddle but regardless I think we can make beautiful music together!  :)
So what are we talking about today?  You know WAAAYY back when I first signed onto Ashley Madison I'd been consigned to a life of playing games with the various cheerleaders I'd always chased.  I thought women were a puzzle to be solved, their favor something to be won by an intricate series of wit and polish and probably some major BLING.  Once the right code was solved I would win the key to their pants zipper and lust would be mine.
But then I met a woman named Alecia on this Ashley site and at the end of our first date she said she wanted to kiss me.  After the kiss she had the audacity to say "we're going to have sex!"
Wow, what strange planet had I landed on?  What have I discovered and should I keep it to myself?
So our topic today is:
Wow, I think they (we) really do like sex?
*  Women that is....
* And how can a guy like me take advantage!  :)
Wow, two bloggers in one post. Kinky, hunh?! Thank you Ryan Beaumont for inviting me (yes me!) to write a post together! Well... not exactly together but one right after the other! So you get twice as much sexy, silly, strange and super-duper intense thoughts today! I get to go first!
No Sex:  Okay... I was one of those women who didn't like sex. It was something men did to me and I endured. I liked making them happy. I liked romance and kisses but the rest? Eh. What was the big deal? My husband decided years ago that he wasn't into me, so I decided that part of my life was over. I didn't miss it. I turned it all off.
Sex!:  Then all that changed. Philip turned me back on again! And wow, did he ever turn me on! I thought it was all talk... I knew he'd never touch a curvy old married lady. What a surprise I got! He touched me and took care of me first! Wow! The bigger surprise was that I liked it! Craved it! Wanted more!

What sex?:   When he asked me what I wanted in bed, my answer was, "I don't know." Imagine that - a man asking me what I want! He helped me figure it out. Now I can go for paragraphs! For those who don't have all day, it distills down to "Men. And Sex." Whee!

Words!:  As part of my sexual resurrection, and in writing here, I realized how much language makes for great sex. I know, Silent Sams can still be super-sexy but, especially in long distance relationships, talking and writing about sex is a major component, and the words you use for body parts are a crucial part. Read my sexy chats with Philip - we get going on body parts! We even use the seven words you can’t say on TV (bless you George Carlin). I am demure in real life, so you know Sassy is in action when you start hearing those!
Listen!:  When you are getting to know someone online - flirting, exploring the possibilities for more - the words you choose make a huge difference! Pay attention to the words they use - discuss what inspires you, and what makes you cringe! Here are some of my likes/dislikes on the language front:
a.  Slut etc:  I am a good girl. I do the right things. I am nice to people. And I think sex is a healthy, positive thing. So the whole "slut, whore, bitch, dirty, naughty" vocabulary makes me feel like you don't know me and I want to argue with you. I know there's a movement to reclaim those words and use them in an adoring way, but I am not there. I suffered terribly in high school with the undeserved "slut" tag and haven't been able to joke about it. It feels like a vicious slap. I get that some men see it as a compliment... but not for me. I made a little progress when a blogger told me I could be "his slut" rather than "a slut" but it still raised my hackles.
b.   Baby:  I hear this word a lot. I know it is an endearment. But I don’t like it. I am NOT a baby. I am a big wild full grown WOMAN. I didn’t like “girl” either until Philip starting using it... but he is talking about the girl that I was... harkening back to the golden days we spent holding hands and kissing in high school. So this points up the importance of taking a breath and changing your mind sometimes, depending on the context.
c. Seven words you can't say on TV:  My mother was very proper, so vulgarity is also tough. But I have learned to appreciate and use George Carlin's seven words, especially fuck. :) Shit, tits... I don't use them much, but they don't jar. I prefer chest, breast... If you hear them, you know something special is going on! And when Sassy gets going, it is amazing the sentences that fly from her mouth, as you've seen in our chats. I even typed cunt a couple of times! Used as a body part and not an insult, it can produce very hot results.
d. Body parts:  Medical words are no good for me... clinical yuck. Penis, vagina. labia, rectum...oh, just stop.  I'm fine with cock, dick, ass, tits, breast, chest, clit, belly, tummy... and I try to pay attention to what the guy uses and adopt it. And gauge his mood by what words he is using. I try to vary it in my writing. I read a lot of romance novels years ago and try not to use their language! Bulging manhood. Heh.
I am still looking for a good word for the "back door?" "Rim?” Ass hole springs to mind but has too much baggage. Any ideas?
And finally.. I need a new word for what most men call pussy. I learned to read that one and not giggle, but it's tough. I looked at a website that had like... 2,000 synonyms and didn't see one I liked. I can't believe I don't have a word for such an important body part... probably says something about our culture that is too deep for me to grasp. So my writing avoids it. “Inside me...?” My kingdom for a good word! Any suggestions?
P.S. I love the phrase "balls deep." Oh yeah. Got that from another blogger and I am keeping it! Any particular phrase that makes you hot every time you read it?
Of course, now that I've written all that, I want to STOP TALKING and have sex! Arrrrgh!
On that note, I will turn you over to the goofmeister himself, the man who a living illustration of the art of sprezzatura, has the most eclectic musical tastes this side of the Potomac River - the sports aficionado, the fabulously handsome sexy and wordy, hits and comment whore himself.... Mr. Ryan Beaumont! 
Ryan's Take:
Oh Sassy, you've crossed a line with me!  "Sprezzatura?"  Really?  You know at first I was so sure you were calling me something like a little weenie in Greek or some other dead language I slept through in high school.  And so I had to google (I hate when a girl makes me have to google myself).  OK, so I guess it's OK.  And of course you are A-OK!  But then I realized you kind of did my theme for me which is good because I've always believed "why do it yourself when you can get a woman to do it for you!"  :)

Sprezzarura - "a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it" (that's googled of course). 
Seems like this whole concept of confidence and getting the words right might have something to it.  I wonder?
So through most of my life with Shannon sex was a reward for good behavior.  Nice dinner = sex.  Trip to the beach = sex.  Bad mood = No sex.  And Shannon always held a grudge so make up sex was something that happened after Ryan did something to make up from his screw up.
Then as I said above I met Alecia.  She actually had the audacity to ask me to kiss and then said provocatively that "we're going to have sex."  Wow, now that is a lady.  Unfortunately it didn't last.
But then I met Sandra and I delighted in being her "boy toy."  Now that lady surely did like sex; no strings AT ALL!  It seemed effortless with her.  I just showed up, smiled, listed to her complain about her hapless overweight husband and then boingo!  I got laid.  She delighted in the fact that I wanted her to feel good when I fingered her and rubbed her clit and massaged her inside and up and down her pubic bone.  She giggled when I insisted we play in the shower after sex, knowing it would lead to a second time in front of the mirror and she would get a good view of me behind her.
And during all this time I was reading these blogs by women like Kat and Naughty Kitty about women who just LOVED sex.  It seemed all a guy needed to do was find them and win the sex jackpot!
But then sometimes I'd read one of Kat's posts and she would talk about yucky stuff like needing to feel a connection and that she needed to feel respected and listened to.  Now my head was spinning!  Hey Kat, yesterday you were talking about hooking up with "Young hottie" and now I have to get on the same mental wave length.  I just wanted to get into the fast-pass sex line, I didn't realize I had to think as well.
But still those ladies wrote about just needing "a good *ucking" or really enjoying the taste of cock.
What did this mean.  Were we back to being a code talker?
Can't they just blow us first and then talk?
And then it hit me one day.  These women, in fact most women, do in fact like sex.  No actually they love it.  Hell, if they could they'd probably get nailed everyday from about every angle possible.  But the catch was, WITH THE RIGHT GUY (doing it the right way).  So was that a big catch?  Not really.  You see in this world unless you enjoy going the Lesbo route us guys are the only game in town.  When you look at it that way these poor women are really at our mercy.  It's like pulling off at one of those exits between Staunton and Lexington on I-81; no good options.  That is unless you are like me and enjoy a good greasy spoon sometimes and don't mind the subtle smell of armpit.
So here is the secret guys, listen up.  Women do like sex.  The funny thing is they are really rooting for us.  Take Kat for instance.  How many times has she written about her husband being a complete imbecile when it comes to reading her emotions (sorry Kat, I know he really is a good guy).  And yet she keeps coming back.  Why?  She's rooting for him to win her affection.
You see back in the day when I was Sandra's "boy toy," those minutes I listened to her yackety yacking about her dogs, her hair appointment, her husband forgeting to change the oil in the car, her rascal of a son-in-law, what I was doing unknowingly was connecting.  The bottle of wine that I picked up for $15 because she said she liked a good Oakey Chard said I took the time to think about her.
So I've come full circle.  Women are a code to be unlocked.  But the thing is they are not like a 15 digit Krypton safe.  Really, the code is in most cases pretty easy and probably fairly cheap.  It's the few minutes you spend hearing that she likes Italian and then confidently telling her you really have been wanting to show her this Italian restaurant that you adore.  Your eagerness, confidence, and caring, that delicate mixture of beta with the subtle shift to confident alpha will crack the code every time.

It gets back to that sprezzarurafication Sassy was talking about (at least I think).  Make the art of discovering her easy, carefree, and as effortless as breathing and she'll jump yer bones like it's goin' out 'O style!  Because in the end she likes sex and she's routing for YOU to win her over!  So go out there and don't waste her time "Show" her!


Oh and btw Ryan is a code to be unlocked as well!  It's turn right once to 1, turn left once to 2, turn back right to 3, and then back left to 4.  Yeah, I had to keep it fairly simple so I wouldn't forget!  :)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Ah Be Careful What You Say or You'll Give Yourself Away

April 1st, 2013 a day that will live in Celebration!
*  that doofus is finally out of here!  :)

It is with great sadness that today I announce that this will be my final and farewell post.  I must leave the blogging world and move onto my next endeavor and adventure.
Yes last week Speaker of the House John Boehner and apparent leader of the Republican cause (because nobody else wants the job) asked me to spearhead a vital project leading the Grand Old Party back into the future and hopefully get a few votes in places other than Cornfield County.  As such I will not have time for activities such as blogging.
As Boehner said to me "Beaumont you're just like me, you don't give a damn about anything but wine and golf and you have a nice tan but you have done what no Republican has been able to do and that is find a way to get a women to let you *uck her over without any semblance of a rationale thought!  I like that in you, you can help us son!"
So I am announcing that I have become a Republican operative and will scour the country chasing women.   Hopefully I will mostly target hot Latina MIFLs'; that's an important demographic for us right now.  We have to get it right on immigration reform!  That might get some women we want screw over into this country!  Although really I'll take California Beach chicks, Jersey Girls, Southern Belles, Midwest Farmers Daughters,......  Wait, I'm loosing my focus and paraphrasing Beach Boys lyrics now.
You see apparently the Republican party is comprised almost entirely of angry white middle aged men who've eaten too much Chick-fil-A; except for three African Americans (a pizza CEO, a former congressman from Florida, and a Supreme Court judge) and two Hispanic dudes from the Senate (from Florida and Texas).  Now I'm not angry but I am white and middle aged.  We need to find a way to connect with more minorities and women but lord knows we don't want our golf game to suffer!
That's where I come in.  You see as Speaker Boehner mentioned very few middle aged white men have been able to screw as many women with so limited talent as I; a fact I'm very proud of!
Starting tomorrow I will be touring the country looking for ways to *uck women without having to actually do anything or listen to them or try to understand them in any way.  If I can succeed I can find a way to bring the Republican party back without having to compromise our rock-solid convictions!  Meaning, that is, keep the government out of my bank-account and my life so that I have the freedom and time to get in 18 holes before 4 pm and into the hole of that hot young temp over there!  :)
So if you are a MILF out there and you are looking to be *ucked over by a smiling tanned middle-aged white guy whose willing to pretend he is listening just to get into your pants (I mean get your vote) I'll be in town soon!   :)
April Fools!

OK, so in the immortal words of a famous basketball coach "I ain't dead yet!"
Hey wow, when I thought of this post I wanted to borrow a lyric from that song "Secret Agent Man," I thought it would be cute.  When I found the song on YouTube I remembered it was performed by Johnny Rivers.  However, I had forgotten how many other great things he had been a part of including:  Summer Rain, Baby I Need Your Lovin', Memphis, Midnight Special, as well as many other great covers.  I also found out he performed in a band in high school with Dick Holler in his hometown of Baton Rough, LA.  Dick Holler wrote Snoopy and the Red Barron (made popular by the Guardsman) and Abraham, Martin, and John (made popular by Dion).

So actually I will sort of use this post as an announcement of sorts.  In case you didn't notice I wrote less than 10 posts last month, a first in the 2.5 years I've been blogging.  I am going to scale back and with all of my best hubris I'm going to be like Johnny Carson and announce my retirement 1 year hence.  How is that for ego!  Well maybe.

So my goal is this.  With 8 posts this month, 7 next month, and then 6 per month after that I can get to my 400th post by April 1, 2014.  At that point I'll have been blogging for 3.5 years, more than long enough for a shallow guy like me.  I should also be past 200,000 hits long before that date and I have over 100 followers which is way more successful than I ever imagined I could be on this platform.

Beyond that who knows.  I may just graduate to WordPress or a novel or just fade from view but regardless this has been fun!  :)