Monday, April 18, 2016

Nothing Matters but the Weekend, from a Tuesday Point of View

The other day I was on the elliptical at the gym and looked up from what I was doing to watch a story Fox News was blathering about on the TV.  The story was about federal government agencies paying employees who were not actually working.  This was kind of funny because I was in fact at the gym working out but not actually working and of course what Fox News had distracted me from was watching the wonderful ladies walking about my elliptical whist I was working out not working.

But back to Fox News, apparently (according to internal investigations) paralegals at the US Patent Trial and Appeal Board received full time pay but had insufficient workloads to warrant full time work for several years.  Hence, over four years from 2009 to 2013 $3.09 million was wasted.  All of a sudden the blathering Fox News report had tapped into my inner tea party Id.  Even though I'm a left of center guy something about this time of year makes my blood boil when thinking about taxes and wasted money.  I love doing taxes, I love the challenge of finding every loophole and every reason not to pay taxes.  Probably, sort of like I like to find ways not to work (or write about sex).

Just in case you were wondering I've written about that most dubious of American holidays, Tax Day.

Here they are annual returns:

Form 2011
Form 2012
Form 2013 (amended)
Form 2014

But as I got angry at the government for paying employees not to work I started to think about Ashley Madison paying online hosts to not talk to me.  And my inner tea party Id got even hotter.  Us tax paying job creators deserve lower Ashley Madison fees and credits for all that we pay into the system.  I mean all those "winking" 47%'ers are just too lazy to write a message and pull their own weight!

I was so mad I thought we need a flat fair Ashley Madison rate so guys like me can keep more credits in our pockets.  I mean let's face it, in reality on AM I'm really the 1%; I've met 4+ ladies you know.

But just because of that doesn't mean I should have to pay more.  I should be able to store credits in the Caymen Islands.  You know if you reduce my rate, I'll invest more and the jobs I create will trickle down and move the Ashley Madison economy forward.  The confident and the daring deserve AM credit havens!  :)

But then again, AM was hacked and it just doesn't seem the same anymore.  I get scammers winking at me; I'd expect that on Illicit Affairs but not AM!  But AM is not too big to fail and I shouldn't have to pay into a system that does not pay me back with opportunity.  Now I'm feeling the Burn!  I/we deserve better!

Those are all good ideas but we actually have to get things done.  Tax havens and free credits are great things to say you'll do to get votes but I want someone who is going to help me actually get those meet and greets and more importantly get me into bed with women.  For that we don't need a divider or an extremist we need someone who can work across the isle; someone with common sense principles.  You know those naked bathroom selfies are titillating but they say bat *hit crazy filibustering dude/lady that's going to get me in trouble.

I know I'm rambling now.  Later that evening I saw Allegiant, the last in the Divergent series.  I think the movie was good, my big take-away was - OMG does Shailene Woodley have one smoking hot body!

But ever the analyst and still on my political rambles I got to thinking that this year's political season is in fact one big factional fight!

So to wrap up my rant I'll give you my 2016 Election Factions:

*    The Crazy Bastards that want to flush it all down the toilet for *hits and giggles!

*     The people that still think unicorns and puppies live at the end of the rainbow!

*     The people who are more interested in arguing over their principled truth than stepping away from the path of the train that's about to run their smart principled candid ass over!

*     The people who can't believe all these crazy fools are actually going to vote for a crazy fool!

*     Why the *uck are we even talking about this *hit.  If I had already been President none of this *rap would be happing right now for Christ sake!  Just give me the damn ball and go back to watching "I am Cait!"

"Lunatics anonymous, that's where I belong...."

"Yeah this beat goes on..."

Friday, April 1, 2016

Crazy but that's How it Goes

Ashley Madison Brokers GOP Unity  
April 1, 2016, by R. Beaumont

WASHINGTON - After a brief meeting today with Republican Front Runner Donald Trump, National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus is reporting that an agreement between Trump and Senator Ted Cruz has been reached to work together in forming a unity ticket to combat the Democrats in November.  Priebus is privately telling donors now that Ashley Madison has helped broker a deal to bring the two candidates together with a proposition nobody could pass up.  One RNC staffer reporting anonymously stated "no organization is better at finding a way to bring satisfaction to frustrated people like AM and they are just the recipe we needed." Top officials from the Trump camp have reported that "the Donald" has agreed to work through Ashley Madison, the married dating social matching site, to swap wives in order for Lying Ted to agree to be the VP.  As a Trump top advisor was quoted "if you can't get what you want from your first ballot source Ashley Madison surely can find where you can get some from another source."

Speaking after the meeting with RNC top brass "the Donald" stated "Heidi Cruz is going to love me.  I do great things for women, women always love me.  Heidi used to work at Goldman and at the US Treasury.  She was part of the Bush plan to bail out the banks which nobody likes now and I said we shouldn't do it but women who do bail out banks love me because you can always get off on going short on my investments and I hear Heidi likes to go short.  She is obviously not as hot as Melania or else she would be my wife instead of Ted's but after a few weekends in Mar-a-Lago she'll be fine.  And this way Ted will find out what he's been missing along with knowing he's missing out on the Presidency."

Senator Cruz replied when questioned about the deal "we are one failed relationship away from a third Clinton-Obama Presidency which would cast the world into a seeping cauldron of neo-socialist, gun stealing, anti-Christian, Sharia Law loving, anit-Constitutionalism.  Conservative Principles and prayerful consideration drive me to this decision and you know what; bangin' Melania ain't exactly a bad consolation prize if you know what I mean!"

Ohio Governor John Kasich nonplussed by the deal stated "they don't need me to help them lose their wives, I don't need them to win the election.  But really, my wife ain't that bad either; can't they wait 'til the convention at least before they do a meet and greet or sleepover!  You know my wife, Karen, is a common sense conservative trophy wife from Ohio.  I didn't have to go to Europe or come into the US to get my better half!"

On other issues of importance the Donald announced another important addition to his growing team of national and international policy experts.  Trump stated "now that the Most Interesting Man in the World has finished his commitments with Dos Equis he is going to lead my world policy team so that I'll know all the most interesting things about stuff that happens outside of Trump properties."  The world's most interesting man joins other Trump top advisers including Omarosa (Chief of Staff), Judge Judy (Attorney General and Chief of Suing People), Hulk Hogan (defense and bad ass-ness), Willie Robertson and the Duck Dynasty Family (team Education), Tom Bergeron (Ambassador to Countries that Dance a lot), Jeff Probst (Secretary of Surviving Congress), Chris Harris (Chief of Making People Happy), Flo from Progressive (Homeland Security), Lily the Cell Phone Commercial Girl (Technology Czar), Dora the Explorer (UN Ambassador) and of course Sarah Palin (Energy and Mental Health), Governor Chris Christie (Director of Bridges and Infrastructure), Dr. Ben Carson (Surgeon General), and Lucius Malfoy (Director of Witchcraft and Magical Beasts).

But as we like to say in America - 

Another one of my favorite annual posts!

For some crazy reason I can't pull up any good Crazy Train videos directly through Blogger so here are some cut and paste links below:

Crazy Train Videos - live with Randy Rhoads

Crazy Train - Official Video