Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I've Taken My Bows and My Curtain Calls

Don't you just hate those e-mails that say send this e-mail to 5 friends in the next hour or you'll burn in hell or have to watch a Republican debate for the rest of your life?

Wouldn't it be nice if someone did that to you but passing it forward was actually fun!

Well a new blog-friend of mine (Gertie) did that too me just the other day.  Apparently she nominated me for a Liebster award.

Let me tell you a little about it.....  Or better yet, let me cut and paste what Gertie said and then I don't have to think of what to say (see below, I did use "  " so it ain't stealing)!  Hey Gertie you did say you liked seeing into the mind of a male so here is another look into the male mind "why do something for yourself when you can just let a woman do it for you!"  :)

per Gertie:

"Liebster Blog Award. According to our dear friend Lainey over at Lainey's Life Lessons it is really an award bloggers give to one another to increase readership. To be eligible one must have less than 200 public followers, I definitely qualify. In the beginning I wanted to keep my readers down because of anonymity but to hell with it, I am Gertie!!, beware of my hammer! I am obligated after receiving this award to give it to 5 oops I mean 6 other bloggers who meet the parameters of blog I follow with intriguing posts & less than 200 followers. (I chose 6 because Lainey only chose 2 and I am sure she won't mind me swiping her extra pick, I had hard choices to make) I must also shamelessly plug the person who gave the award to me. Have I mentioned how awesome I think Lainey is?

Rule #1 Link back to the person who gave you this award.

Check out Lainey over at Lainey's Life Lessons to find out more about the important lessons learned she as an adventurous heroine provide, her posts include witty insight and colorful imagery as she goes along this road called life in her energy efficient vehicle. Lainey is a member of my friendamily(check out her comments on this blog for the definition) so her insight and lessons are always appreciated. My favorite post of hers can be found here, in it she reminds all of us who the most important player on our team is. I am thankful to be a benchwarmer on her friend roster.

Rule#2 Choose deserving bloggers and alert them to their award winning status.

This I think is the most fun part of the blog award because I am positive that most of these bloggers don't know how inspirational they are to Gertie, aka moi!

And the winners in no particular order are........."

But first let me give a shout out to the Lady-Blogger who shouted-out for me.

*  I Throw Hammers at Boys:  Yes I know guys this sounds violent.  But the funny thing is you know how often we say "I just don't understand women, why can't they just say what they want."  Well dude here it is!  Really dude, here it is listen she's telling you exactly what they want.  The good thing, it has nothing to do with Nuclear Physics or solving the debt crisis.  It only involves stuff like not wearing sweat pants on dates, don't lie about when you're going out with the boys (apparently they get that), BE FUNNY (but not stupid), be available but not clingy, know how to cook and/or mix a drink....  I could go on but just read her blog - it's good!

But one question though Gertie - do you ever throw hammers at boy who cut and past what other bloggers have blogged?    :(

Ryan's List:
So here are my 5 Fav's.  And each of these is a main event feature!  As opposed to me who is really like one of those silly cartoons before a Disney movie that gives you a little giggle as you're scarfing down popcorn and soda!

1.  Prowling with Kat:  Kat started blogging shortly after I did (although I think she has done this before as she is way more professional) and became one of my first blogging friends.  To show you how perceptive I am I thought she was English because she mentioned attending charm school once in her blog.  Ryan you are such a dip*hit.  She has so much good advice; I always say that she is so "proper about being improper!"  But Kat is a charmer and I have often called her affectionately "the mother hen" of our blogging niche.

2.  Same Sassy Girl:  There are so many unique blogs out there and unique ways of expressing one's message.  Sassy Girl tells the story of her relationship with her Philip through their texts and e-mails.  There is a quote from Star Trek where Spock says "having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting...."  Well, Sassy does have some good posts about "having" as well.  But my point is that the lead up, the seduction, the planning, the wanting, and the mundane little details of that daily connection are what keep me coming back to this blog!  Well, I do like a girl with some sass as well!  :)

3.  Sometimes the World Begins:  I have to admit I didn't think about nominating France at first.  I really have no place in "passing along" a blog like this; France is WAY above my pay grade!  This is like Dr. Suess nominating Lord Byron, Shelly, or Shakespeare.  But it is what it is so here goes, France has had a blog for many years although this iteration of her blogs has been focused on her relationship with her "x", her new relationships, and a lot of fiction, fantasies, musings, and just good thoughts.  And if you want to get on her good side talk about hockey and her beloved Canadians!

4.  My Secret Life:  Did you ever wonder what that hot lady in that office down the hall was thinking?  You've mentally undressed her so many times at night and you know just what you'd do if you ever got the chance.  But wait, what if she was mentally undressing you and some of the other guys in the office. Wow, that would be an interesting read.  Yes, Kitty's story's about the Office are pretty interesting (and it ain't because she works at Dunder Mifflin).

5.  Confessions of an Adulteress:  A lot of levels here.  By day Luna has a fairly regular life and she does speak about that.  She has a husband, sons, a job; all pretty regular.  But she lead a traveling life growing up living around the world and I think that lead her to becoming a restless soul.  And it is that restlessness that is revealed in the blog as she balances a comfortable suburban life with a passionate affair of the heart.  Who doesn't like that!

So take a look at these blogs.  But there are so many others out there.  When you are looking at these blogs or mine, see what they are reading (on their blogroll).  Chances are you'll find some good stuff out there!

Thanks Again Gertie!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

And You'll Do Just what You Chose to Do

Or Day One

I woke up Friday morning and fixed breakfast for my girls, helped them pack up the car, kissed them, and then watched as they drove off for the beach.

I then hustled over to the office to see what response I might have from Sandee on my "mischief e-mail."  From yesterdays post you'll know that I had given Sandee what I thought were some very wonderful and specific options for the weekend.  She responded with this:

"Ryan, you've got it GOIN ON!!! So FUN!!!!!...How could I refuse any of the choices you've offered me??
My dillema of course; which one to choose??
I am SO not good at decisions. Choosing between just one thing or another. I'm an ALL OR NOTHIN kinda girl!! I wanna do ALL of the MAXXXX!!! And I'm GOING to, TOO!!!!  I DARE ya  to keep up!! ;)"

What I was beginning to find out was that this cute little millennial had trouble staying "on-message" or maybe she was like Mitt Romney "you get to ask the questions you want and then I get to give you the answers I want."

As for Friday, Sandee had some type of certification test that day and she was not sure when it would be over.  Friday night also hinged on what "grumpy's" mood was when he got home.  He was on a long shift and she hoped he would just go home and sleep.

Friday on my end of the world was a rather busy day all day and Saturday was to be busy at work as well; this was after all why I wasn't going to the beach with the family.

A positive of my interaction with my new-found 20-something friend was that I was learning the art of texting.  In all my previous encounters I had never texted.  I had read other blogs and this seemed to be the new-fangled way to meet.  In fact I had even heard of this thing called "sexting", apparently a new way to have intercourse.  Anyway, I had been behind the times but now I was catching up!

So Friday of the big weekend after getting her e-mail I texted Sandee early to confirm that she wanted to meet for a drink and/or dinner.  I knew of a great crab place.  As in ocean crabs that you eat not a place to get crabs on your private parts!  You see, Sandee had said she liked seafood so I wanted to oblige (with seafood, not giving her a venereal disease)!

Over the course of the day I got a few flirty/funny texts from Sandee and I replied (mostly stuff like videos, etc.).   But nothing was committal!

So while dashing off for crabs and drinks sounded wonderful in theory I was having trouble getting a commitment on time.  And my time was at a premium throughout the day and I was running out.  By around 6:30 pm I had not gotten an answer and I left work for home and went for a run.  By the time I got back from my run and checked e-mail I got this (in response to my note asking how her test went).

"Yes I am happy! It is over :)  Just breathe...awwwwww... I think I did good. I am not good at math, so that was were my nerves were kicken it  BIG time!
You know I was going to call your bluff, surprise you, and drive all the way to see you and tell you in person! Seriously. But then I chickened out because I didn't know if you were really serious...awkward :{   
Ok! Call me in the a.m to plan our fun-ness!  PLLLLEASSE give me a warning text first?? Certain  people"s shifts have been all flip-flopped around here..what if he is home all day? 
Well, my friend SAMUEL ADAMS is here with me just kicken in a little so
Ok... I am going to soak away my stress in my cuzzi....oh boy..:)
Ryan. Good night SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET dreams sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet Ryan ;)  You're so cute :)

Apparently her girlfriends from work who were also taking the test decided to capture her and make her go out on a "girl's-night-out."

OK, so yes I was a bit pissed.  But you know it's always a bad move to get pissed off over a "girls-night-out", how many boy-friends have bit the dust over that objection.  So, I played it cool said my congratulations and glad you had fun type of stuff.

Anyway Friday was just a potential; Saturday was always the big day.  A free Saturday night is a rare thing in a married man's life and this was it for me.  Her note above did sound promising.  And since she was married to a jealous guy I was sure my understanding and patient ways (along with my good humor and looks) would soon pay dividends!

At any rate, what guy is going is to walk away from even the slightest chance to meet a girl like that!

But you know reason always gets in the way.  Another positive to this weekend of freedom was some evening blogging time.  Or rather "chatting" time with blogging friends.  I was able to catch up to my friend Kat on chat on a Friday night.  I told her about my situation.  As a friend I was sure she would give me words of encouragement and assurance.  But then again Kat is a true friend, a smart friend, a caring friend, and a realistic friend.  Her words were "I don't think that girl wants to be caught."

Oh Kat, what a downer.  Let's hope your wrong; but I do value your advice!

Monday, February 27, 2012

Yeah, said it's Alright

Or Prelude

I know what you guys are thinking out there.  These married guys really do lead fascinating lives!  :)

Wait, have you not watched any sitcoms or movies lately???  Married guys are the biggest target for humor, ridicule, sarcasm, etc.  No joke is bad when it involves a middle aged married guy.  There is no end to our doofishness!

But I digress, you say we have fascinating lives.  Well this chasing thing is complicated because in fact we are fairly busy at times.  You see there are 168 hours in a week (that's 7 days * 24/hours in a day).  Right off the bat the weekends are usually off the books so lets take 52 hours off right there (including 4 hours on Friday night).  Then you have to sleep at least 7 hours (if you're me) so that takes away another 35 hours.  Amazingly enough, in spite of what I write about, I do actually work so let's take off another 45 (sometimes it's more though).  We are now down to 36 hours.  Now, getting kids ready for school, driving to work, eating, the gym, watching sports, taking kids to soccer probably takes you down now to a measly 4 to 6 hours to invest in some hobby like chasing women on Ashley Madison.  And even then you have to synchronize that thin slice of time with a partner who is willing and you have to be able to get away.

Bottom line is a married guy is like my dog that is always trying to run outside without a leash!  You have to be quick and strike while the iron is hot!

So when a married guy is handed the opportunity to have a weekend by himself with no family; well that is an opportunity that really just happens once every several years.  Or never!

And that is just what I was now looking at (well not as in right now but last fall).  A family weekend getaway had been planned, a last chance to enjoy the beach before the long winter.  But something at work came up and married guy just couldn't go.  But married guy was a good husband and father and insisted that family go on said vacation and he would just suffer at home alone and toil at work.

But what to do with this opportunity.  Sandee looked so HOT in those pictures and she was so cool.  She obviously was into me; she even said I had a sexy voice after one of our now two phone conversations.  But we had not met.  She could be anybody.  Well, her cell phone did have the correct area code so I assumed she could be anyone in this XYZ area code.  But that didn't narrow things down too much.

Then again, it had really only been about two months since I had last seen Sandra; should I contact her?  Surely she would enjoy participating in the "fuck-fest" that I planned to have with this weekend of freedom!  Maybe I should get out on AM real quick and see if I can come up with a quick hook up.  Maybe I could find one of those ladies with 5 checks under "looks better in person!"  Which translate to I'm one of the ones that might actually have sex with you!

A lot to think about.  Seemed so much easier back in the day when all I had to think about was whether to go to Club Nitrogen or Skankies Bar and Grille on a Saturday night for some hot "shackin' up."

This was indeed a crossroads decision!  I started thinking about those poets who talk about "the road not taken..." and; hey wait Ryan your BS'ing again you don't read poetry!  OK, so I didn't know which way to go.

Well for once in my life I decided to go all in and not be pragmatic.  So I decided to try the saturation bombing method with Sandee.  I was not going to leave any room for error and I'm all about options so I sent this:

Dearest Pen Pal,

The old guilt/jealously ploy didn't go as planned so now I'm shifting over to sweet!  That is actually my normal rhelm :)  And am I not great about just being out front with all my strategery!  I am all about the candor!  But an obtuse guy like me is unfortunately no match for a smart girl like you with that rapier wit (and good grammer skills)!

You seem like your a girl whose dance card on the weekend fills up pretty quickly.  So I wanted to lay out some plans and get my name on that card early for next weekend!

And you can check off as many of these options as your wish!

First, Sunday is fine again but it would need to be a little later (say 1 pm).  Tennis is fine or even a bike ride along the river and I can take you out for a late lunch at this cheap Taco place I know of.    (     )

But we also are offering today these additional activities:

Friday - late dinner or drink around 8'ish (w/location du jour)  (   )
Saturday - Come up here around 2 pm and let's run away to Baltimore or Philly or anywhere - or just a bike ride if you wish - see I'm all about the a la carte options.     (    )
Monday - Hey, it's a day off for Ryan, is it a day off for Sandee and the world of bed pans?  If so, I'm your's for breakfast, lunch, tennis, biking, etc.    (    )

Don't you like the way I did the little check marks just like in middle school.  I almost put down I like you do you like me Yes (  ),  No (  ) - check one!   :)

So it would be Sandee or nothing for this weekend of opportunity.  Would I find success?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Give Me uh Give Me uh Give Me a Redneck Girl

In case you haven't noticed I have mentioned being from the south on several occasions in my blog.  Additionally, I hope you have noticed that I enjoy humor.  Put those together and it wouldn't take a genius to guess that I love those Blue Collar Comedy Guys and particularly Jeff Foxworthy.  He and I are two peas in a pod being Redneck Metrosexuals and all!  :)

You know Jeff Foxworthy defines being a Redneck as possessing "a glorious lack of sophistication."  Now I can turn on sophistication when I need it but I prefer to leave it off when possible.  So given all that we all have the ability to be Rednecks!  But ultimately what I like is the paradox of being a Redneck Metrosexual Skirt Chasin' NASCAR Dad Left of Center Guy; tell me that ain't unique!

So since I am always trying to rip off other people's ideas I thought I would take a stab at some Redneck jokes.  And the good thing is that all of these are based on actual Ryan experiences.

Here goes:

*  When giving driving directions if you have ever made the statement "take a right at the pig farm," you might be a redneck.

*  If your son or daughter has ever thrown a tantrum because they had to ride in the Jeff Gordon car on the NASCAR ride at the county fair, you might be a redneck.

I kid you not I heard a parent once say as their child got onto this ride "I hope she can get on the #3; if she get's Gordon's car she'll be pissed!"

*  If someone has ever asked you if you want to be tea bagged and you said only if the tea is brewed sweet, you might be a Redneck.

 I actually made that one up; hell, I didn't even know what teabaggin' was until I saw it on a blog recently :)

*  If you step outside of your office building and it smells like a cow's ass you might be a Redneck.

Go Junior!  :)
OK enough of that, the real point of today is another food post.  So I've admitted to being a little countrified now (as if you didn't already know that) so now let me admit to liking NASCAR.  Well, I've actually admitted that before here but let me reaffirm that admission today.  And since Sunday starts the NASCAR season at Daytona I thought I would give you a best Redneck/NASCAR recipe!  Well, really it's just an easy chili recipe which is eaten all over the place but here goes!

World's Easiest Chili


*  2#'s Ground Beef

 -  If you are from Alabama I would subtract 1# and ground beef and mix in a pound of deer sausage
-  If you are from Wisconsin do the same as Alabama but with Moose or Elk and add a splash of Old Milwaukee beer and some cheese curds and say "you bet" 3 times!
-  If you are from California scratch the Ground Beef because when cattle pass gas if destroys the ozone.  Substitute some soy crumbles, corn salsa, or diced pumpkin and chant to some crystals.
-  If you are from Arkansas scratch the Ground Beef and substitute some of that 'possum you ran over yesterday!  :)

*   1 Large White Onion (diced)
*   2 Cans of Diced Tomatoes (approx 12 oz/ea)
*   2 Cans of Tomato Sauce (approx 12 oz/ea)
*   2 Cans of Chili Beans (I generally substitute 1 can of Black Beans)
*   1/4 Cup Chili Powder 
*   1 Tbs Cumin (that's a spice now, I don't you know do it in the chili!)  :)
*   Salt, Pepper, and Tabasco to taste

*   Brown your Ground Beef, Deer Sausage, Elk, Moose, soy crumbles or whatever in a skillet.  When almost cooked add in onions.  Sautee until beef cooked thoroughly and onions are tender.
*   Add in Tomato Sauce, Diced Tomatoes, and Beans (including brine of one can) and combine.  Leave at gentle simmer for about 10 minutes.
*   Stir in Chili Powder, Cumin, salt, pepper, and Tabasco to taste.  Add more spice to taste if needed.  Try some green chiles, diced mixed peppers, or a Southwestern Style Corn Salsa if you want to add some flair.  After adding spice let the chili simmer for about 20 minutes.
*   Serve with nacho chips, shredded Cheddar-Jack Cheese, Sour Cream, Guacamole, or anything else you like to add.  If you are fancy get one of those big round loaves of bread from Kroger, Giant, Food Lion, or Wegman's; carve it out and serve the chili in a bread bowl.

See that was real easy.  This will easily serve 12 people.  If you only have 4 you'll have something to put in your freezer for a rainy day or for that Bristol race in a few weeks!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Ain't from Louisiana but I'm Hot Sauce

Sorry to do that to you on the post title.  However, Disney Channel has sodomized my ears with that Willow Smith song over the last month and the lyrics are drilled into my head so I thought I would share them with you as I think they fit today's post.  And now you can carry the song with you in your mind all day!  :(

Anyway -
Happy Mardi Gras!  Laissez les Bon Temps Rouler!

Want some beads!

And what better way to celebrate Mardi Gras than with a food post.  But first I have to say my first intended food post was last Mardi Gras (I had written one food post previously on the fly so to speak).  That on the fly post gave me the idea to post some easy recipes from time to time.  I have enjoyed them so I continue.  My point is always that preparing food is not nuclear physics; it should be fun and easy!

But getting back to last year's Mardi Gras post, I put more time into that post than any post I have ever done.  It was one of my favorites of all time.  In fact last summer I put it in my Top 10 favorites.  But you know what?  Not one comment on the original or the follow up Top 10 post!  :(

Just goes to show you I have no concept of taste!  Of course you could reverse that trend by commenting here or going back to last year's post and commenting after reading to the end.  I promise there is a funny Cajun' joke at the end!

But today's French Fried Cajun' Food Recipe is a Muffuletta Sandwich.  This is actually made with Sicilian bread but is popular in New Orleans.

It is everything that New Orleans food is about - fusion.  This sandwich meshes Sicilian influenced Italian bread and meats with a Mediterranean tappas-like olive spread in the form of new world packaging - the sandwich!

After enjoying this I would suggest you walk you ova to dat Cafe du Monde and have ya-sef some Beignets and some o' dat Chicory-style coffee in a fancy French boule!  Enjoy!


*  stalks of celery chopped
*  1 Cup of drained Giardiniera chopped finely
  • *  1 Cup of fresh parsley chopped
  • *  3/4 cup of pitted green olives chopped finely
  • *  1/4 cup of Extra Virgin Olive Oil 
  • *  1/4 Tsp of Fresh Coarse Ground Black Pepper
  • *  1 Fresh Garlic Clove, minced
  • *  1 loaf of French Bread cut horizontally
  • *  6 oz thinly sliced Smoked Ham
  • *  6 oz thinly sliced Provolone Cheese
  • *  6 oz thinly sliced Genoa Salami
*  In a medium bowl, combine celery, giardiniera, parsley, olives, olive oil, black pepper, and garlic. Set aside.
*  Remove a 1" layer piece from both halves of bread to make room for filling.  On bottom half of bread spread half of olive mixture.  Place ham, cheese, and salami on top of olive mixture.  Spread remaining olive spread over salami.  Place other half of bread on top and press halves together.
*  Wrap and refrigerate for at least 2 hours

Monday, February 20, 2012

Young Girl Get Out of My Mind

So last week I mentioned that Sandee was apparently a 26 year old nurse from a town nearby with a fetish for 40-something guys but needed a 40-something guy with a bit more humor than her current 40-something spouse.  Wow, I couldn't have described myself any better!  But now, how to meet?  Weekdays were looking tough for her so I needed to be creative.  Apparently her husband was some type of ER doctor that often worked long weekend shifts (and had a bear of a temper).  I also got the feeling that even though she was very flirty on e-mail she was potentially an e-mail queen and in fact somewhat shy.  And it was entirely possible that this was a gag or a trap by someone.

So what is a good first date to suggest.  Blow job behind Wal-mart on a Friday night?

Nah, that would push her away and just on the chance that her birth-year was not 1987 but more like 1997 that type of date could lead to another date with a judge.

No, Ryan was going to go conservative here.  The next Sunday I had to work all afternoon.  I really only needed to be in the office by about noon but I could push that to about 10 am for purposes of a story for Shannon.  And so that would create about an hour window to play some tennis near to where I work.  Sandee and I had discussed playing tennis and that seemed like a good way to get to a face to face encounter in non-threatening way.

It worked!  She agreed and better yet I got a phone number!

Btw, an aside because I am proud.  As we were making plans of course I was throwing out things like "are you a Russian mail order bride?" And "are you a blogger looking for stories about desperate 40-something guys?"  I said all this in good humor though because I put a :) after each comment and she seemed to be eating it up.  At some point she mentioned liking French cuisine.  I asked her is she was a Francophile.  I assured her that she need not worry about me that I was not a weirdo but in fact loved animals and was an extreme "petophile!"

OK, I know it's cheesy - but cheesy seemed to be working on this 20-something gal.  Who knew?

But back to the meeting.  We are in late-August and Sandee actually had plans to go sailing on the Chesapeake for that Sunday.  But a hurricane was bearing down on the region and that plan did not look like it would come to fruition.  So plan B for Sandee, as of Friday afternoon, was to meet moi for tennis Sunday morning.  As of Saturday night there had been no changes to the plan.  So Sunday morning I wake up and drive into the office first to do a quick e-mail check.

Unfortunately I was greeted with this:

"(shhhh..whispering) Ryan... Are you awake??
Of course we won't be doing the bay, but
They still want to go to a place called Tysons Corners- it's supposed to be a big mall? so they're picking me up shortly, & we'll go to breakfast then do our day!

So anyways ... Sorry but me no get to meet you today :(
I'm sure you will find PLENTY of other chicks to take my place!"

Damn!  Oh well, so how to spin this into a positive.  Hey, I think I can do that!

So here is my response (I think it's really good):

"OK Sandee,   Do you remember in high school when you disappointed some guy and then he did something to try to make you feel guilty or maybe he asked out your best friend to make you feel jealous.  Yeah, typical immature male passive aggressive behavior.  Certainly as guys grow older they would get rid of that behavior right?    Wrong!   Guys are always guys and they are always immature! 

So here is my passive aggressive behavior to:   1)    Make you feel guilty and 2)    Make you jealous

So after getting over the devastation of not seeing you I decide to dust myself off and start all over again.  So I went over to the gym and just played with myself.  Basketball that is!  Get your mind out of the gutter!   So after playing with myself for about 20 minutes my friend Hank comes over and asks if I want to play a game of 3 on 3.  I said yes and go over to the court with him.   Except he is not just playing basketball he is playing with four 40-something Lesbians (sorry that was not PC).    So your GUILT is that instead of spending time with you I had to take a severe beating from these very rough ladies.  Feel GUILTY now!   So what is the JEALOUSLY?  I was guarding this one lady, Agnetta.  Yeah you guess it - she is Swedish!  I knew immediately from the accent.  Well, it wasn't pleasant - she KICKED my ASS!  Turns out Agnetta is not only Swedish and a fitness instructor - she is also a former professional basketball player.   So instead of getting my ass kicked by you on the tennis court I got my ass kicked by Agnetta the Swedish Pro Basketball pLaya'.   R U JEALOUS!   But I do hope you had fun today!   Perhaps a re-do next Sunday afternoon.   Take Care,   Ryan" 

And what did it get me?

"Geeze Ryan! And to think that all day long, I had visions of you curled up rocking in the fetal position,  sucking your thumb in some corner; because you were so upset I couldn't meet you!! Way to make a girl feel irreplacable!! And there is no way I can compete with lesbians, (too dang straight!) basketball players, (too short!) Swedes with accents, (too American) or 40 year olds. (give me 15) So what do I have to offer you??? Seriously though, I'm gladja had fun! Oh! And I survived JUST FINE without YOU too!! (sticking out my tongue!!)"

Yeah this girls digs me and it did get me that phone call.  Yep, she went on to ask if she could call me some time because she wanted to hear my voice.  So the following afternoon she did.

I know, you're saying giving her your number is stupid but you know guys will do a lot dumb things to meet a pretty girl.

So the next day the phone rings and I get "hey Ryan, this is your pen pal...."  The conversation was actually fairly unspecial just a lot of what's up, do you like your job, do you like the area.  However, later that night I get a note from her.

"You....Have.....A.....Sexy......Voice!  Talk atcha soon!    :)"

But now I would face a major mental conflict as the opportunity of a lifetime approached.  But that of course will need to wait for next week.

Hey, I think I might have the energy for another 4 days in a row of posts - do you think I can do it?  Let's try!

But first I have to take care of some food posts later this week.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Day the Music Died

A Requiem:

Consider this a "Poe Toaster" tribute.  You see there is a famous story in Baltimore (it's near to where I live) about a mysterious person who for each year over 70 years visited Edgar Allen Poe's grave in the early hours of the morning of Poe's birthday (January 19th).  This shadowy figure of the man dressed in black with a wide brimmed hat and white scarf would pour a glass of cognac and raise a toast to Poe's memory.  He would then leave the unfinished bottle of cognac along with three roses.  The "Poe Toaster's" last visit to the grave was in 2009 leading to speculation that he may have died.  Of course we may never know.  It is speculated that the original toaster passed the tradition on to a son.  But again, who knows.

That is kind of how I thought things would end for one of my favorite blogs.  One day he would just stop posting and for months or even perhaps for years we would wonder what happened to him.  Perhaps we would say he ran off with one of his ladies or dropped out and drove his muscle car off to Slab City or just decided to catch a tasty wave and surf off into the sunset.

But now he is in fact apparently gone and those of us left behind can only smile, remember him fondly, and lift a glass of cognac to his memory and say fair-the-well dear friend.

So this is for him!

A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That blog used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people read
And maybe they'd be happy for a while
But February made me shiver
With every posting I'd deliver
Bad sex on the doorstep
I couldn't write one more word
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his mistress left behind
But something touched me deep inside
**The day his blog died**

Bye, bye to your blog say I
Drove my Odyssey to the lobby but the motel was closed
Them good ole bloggers were writin' 'bout flirtin' and chasin'
Singin' this'll be the day I get caught
This'll be the day I get caught

Did you write the book of lust
And do you have faith in cyberspace
If AM tells you so?
Now do you believe in Ashley Madison?
Can blogging save your unfaithful soul?
And can you teach me how to screw real slow?

Well, he knows that you're in love with him
Cause he saw you text him in the gym
You both kicked off your clothes
Man, I dig those humps and throws
I was an over 40 undersexed punk
With 60 credits on a cheatin' site 
But I knew I was out of luck
The day his blog died
I started singin'

(Chorus - above)

Now, for eight days we've been on our own
And comments grow fat on a bloggers roll
But, that's not how it used to be
When Ryan sang for the Canine King
On a background he borrowed from a winery
And a voice that came from way down south
Oh and while the King was looking down
Someone stole his thorny crown
The blogosphere was adjourned
The top sex blogger won't return
And while he read a book on Open all the Way
SATS practiced in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day his blog died
We were singin'


Hook ups, three-somes in a sexual swelter
The bloggers flew off with a blog closed message
Eight bites high and falling fast
It landed foul on the grass
The playas tried to make a pass
With Ryan on the sidelines in a cast
Now the half-time air was sweet sex perfume
While sergeants played a marching tune
We all got up to blog
Oh, but we never got the chance
Cause the playas tried to make a pass
The marching band refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day his blog died?
We started singin'


Oh, and there we were all in one place
Bloggers lost in cyberspace
With no time left to start a post
So come on MILFS be nimble, MILFS be quick
MILFS can sit on my candlestick
Cause writin' is a bloggers only friend
And as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage
No blogger born on Google
Could break that Satan's spell
And as the words climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day his blog died
He was singin'


I still see him as Ricky N
I met a Kat who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and screwed JJ
I went down to my old G-mail
Where I'd read the posts years before
But the message said "blog has been removed"
And in the streets the followers screamed
The lovers cried, and the bloggers dreamed
But not a post was started
The goggle posts all were broken
And the two bloggers I admire most-
Mr Ozzy and Harriet and Holly most-
They caught the last train for the coast
The day his blog died
And they were singing


Btw you know the Father, Son, and Holy Fhost in the original song were Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper.  The day the music died was the day they all died in a plane crash in Iowa in February, 1959.


The King - Elvis
The Queen - Little Richard
The Jester - Bob Dylan
A Girl Who Sand the Blues - Janis Joplin
The Quartet - the Beatles (maybe the Rolling Stones)

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Sometimes We all Feel a Need to Change

Or Channeling 20-something bloggers

OK, so at 26 Sandee is not exactly jail-bate.  But I had not ever really chased those 20-something ladies on AM.  I even read a couple of 20-something bloggers and had never really thought in terms of "hey I would really like to hook up with you (at least not anymore than any other blogger)," I just enjoyed their thoughts and stories.   Well maybe the anticipation of a few responses like "F you old dude" dissuaded me as well but you get the point - my target audience had always been about 35 and above.

But I was invested in Sandee now and she was uber-cool so if she was interested in me I was willing to give this a try.  Knowing full well that at this point, based on known AM odds, I was still at only at about a 15% chance of actually meeting her.  Sex with her; now we are in John Huntsman percentages!

Could I be as cool as Steve Martin?
But for housekeeping let me explain the name.  Of course, her name is not really Sandee.  But as I was contemplating my potential relationship with this cute 20-something girl I recalled one of my favorite movies, LA Story.  In the story an older and urbane Steve Martin has a relationship with a young energetic Sarah Jessica Parket (named SanDeE*).  I love that story, the humor, the analysis on life, etc.  Plus, sometimes highway signs talk to me!  :)

So I started thinking of Sandee as SanDeE* because she was cute and spunky like Sarah Jessica in that movie.  And (hint, hint) I would love to think of myself as Steve Martin (an aside I love his New Yorker articles as much as his movies but don't think just because Shannon has a subscription I'm very literate)!

But then I started thinking about the age difference and communication.  Perhaps I was overthinking it.  But one concept brought me solace.  I knew some of these 20-something ladies.  Yeah, those bloggers I follow.  What if I was writing to one of them?  What would I say to Elle if I was flirting with her?

So I thought about Elle.  Yeah, she is pretty smart; I know because I've e-mailed her a few times.  In fact I consulted her once on a post and she sent me back all these James Allen quotes.  He is a poet so she is pretty much over my head.  Then again, you have to drill down to a Kardashian to get to my intellectual equivalent!  But Elle writes about running out of toilet paper and burning her mouth on frozen pizza in her blog so those personality traits I can relate to.

So I decided yes, I would channel Elle and write Sandee as if I was writing to Elle.  This may work.

Sandee kind of reminded me of Elle anyway witty, goofy, but charming, and smart.  I wonder if she draws cartoons as well as Elle?

Besides, I really didn't think any of this would work anyway - but wow the blog entries will be awesome so full steam ahead!

Oh but wait there was one other thing that was stuck in my head.  I am not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch of the imagination; I just don't think that much.  But now I was thinking conspiracy.  Why the hell is this hot 26 year old writing to me?  What if this is actually some teenager playing on the social networking highway for a gag!  Hey, I started this for fun not to get arrested!  I told myself to BE careful.  That wasn't too hard; as I've said I'm not exactly a "kinkster" on e-mail so I just made sure I didn't make any sexual requests or propositions that might come back to haunt me.

The other thing I started to think about, and yes I admit this is my hubris talking, was that I started to wonder if someone from the blogoshere had tried to track me down.  Maybe a crazy fan was trying to hunt Ryan Beaumont down on AM to try to find the real dude behind the blog?  Hmmm...., interesting thought, but wo is the poor person who's life's mission would be to hunt me down.  That would be like the time as a young kid I bit into baker's chocolate thinking it was something sweet and yummy and then BLECK (reality)!

But I also thought maybe Sandee is a blogger and just screwing with guys to get fodder for a blog.  What an irony that would be if she ran into me (a blogger) looking for stuff to blog about.

I keep some of that product at hand!
Well, I had a lot to think about.  But regardless, I was moving ahead - this was just too interesting to pass up!  And damn, she was cute (if the photos were real).  She was really cool too; actually that was the biggest draw.  She sent me this one picture of her on Halloween where she was dressed as Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary - you know the scene where she has the Cindy Lou Who hair with that special "product" she got from Ben Stiller!

So deep breath and step forward; after all this was my Lloyd Dobler "dare to be great" opportunity!

Monday, February 13, 2012

And there ain’t no Road Just Like it, Anywhere I’ve found.

I have an MBa,  but my proudest academic achievement was Minoring in English and furthermore success in one particular Fiction class.

I signed up for Fiction thinking it would be fun and easy.  The 1st day I met the prof, Dr. Dyke, who introduced Feminist Speculative Fiction.  I also think she was a lesbian who hated men passionately but that isn’t important right now.  So now I’m worried, instead of reading the Great Gatsby or Hemingway I’ll be spending a semester reading that guys are dogs!

Funny how adversity can often become a great opportunity though!

So we began reading novels about all-female planets that reproduce hermaphroditically and other utopian worlds where men are either non-existent or at least not important.

At mid-semester came time for a big report.  I had the feeling that Dr. Dyke was going to zing us guys.  But, surprisingly, we just put social security numbers on our papers.  So Dr. Dyke had no idea if the paper was male or female (unless she checked) but I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.  Anyway I A’ced the mid-term and then hit the final out of the park.

The final was a feminist novel about WWII that I contrasted with Herman Wouk’s the Winds of War.  I developed a thesis that the Feminist world perspective from a pop-culture standpoint more accurately represented history.  Victory in WWII resulted from a joint world effort, not American jingoistic cowboyism!  And because women are better at “no I in team” and tend to have more of a world view, the feminist perspective more accurately depicted the period.  Dr. Dyke concurred and I was one of the few A’s in the class!

So I got the satisfaction of knowing I could write like a feminist and hopefully Dr. Dyke thought student **5-**-***5 was one hell of gal!  Of course Shannon would translate this into “I’m  good at bull *hit’ing people!”  Which, I’ll admit, is often true!  J

So what does this have to do with anything other than it seems that I’m a closet Transgendered writer or full of *hit!   :?

Well, in a twisted way I have enjoyed my Shannon’s story.  And additionally I really enjoyed my AM Theater post Giselle Seeks a FWB.  So I guess I like trying to write from the female perspective.  Or maybe I’m just trying to evolve into Mel Gibson’s character in “What Women Want!”

Alex reminds me of Shannon
So now I have decided my next female story will be the mock blog I think Alex (from “Up in the Air”) would write if she was out here with us.

AM Theatre – Alex’s Blog: The Not so Chaste Tale of a Lincoln Park Traveling Soccer Mom

Alex speaking.....
Yesterday I heard that song "Lakeshore Drive" and it took me back to high school and the night I gave my virginity to a cute boy with that song in the background on some “oldies” station.

After enjoying that memory I started thinking about my life and where I was going back in the 90’s and where I’ve been.  For so many years I’ve understood exactly who I was.  And now that I’m 2 years beyond 40 I’m trying to decide if I know more about myself than I did listening to Alliotta and Haynes sing that song while having sex in my boyfriends car near the lake.

I was a Chicago girl then and I still am today.

But perhaps I should introduce myself before I go on.  I’m Alex a 42 year old mom of two with a fast paced career in consulting and married to my post college aspirational man for these past 18 years.

I do love living in the city.  We moved back to the Lincoln Park area a few years ago.  This is a hip trendy enclave within the city.  I like the mixed pace.  It’s funny how you can move back into the city to enjoy the slow life.  I love being able walk to a whole foods store for my coffee in the morning or take the El to soccer practice.

We tried the 3,000 square ft McMansion in Napierville for a few years.  But Ned (my husband) and I decided to move back into the city a few years ago and I have no regrets.  The city is all about independence and that is what I feel in myself these days.  In Napierville we were chained to an hour plus commute, yard care, and boring neighbors whose few interests included refinancing, home schooling, and watching the grass grow.  Funny, sounds kind of like a relationship if you’re not careful.

I grew up in Evanston, the precocious child of two teachers (my dad being a headmaster of a progressive Country Day School).  I guess being good on the outside made me want to be a little bad on the side.  But mostly in high school and college I was the high performing type who also dated the basketball star.  At Northwestern I dated the point guard, Bobby, for two years.  But somewhere during my senior year I started to think I had more to offer the world than to be Mrs. Point Guard.  Perhaps Dr. Bronstein, my Marketing Psychographics professor, helped that as well.  I decided at that point to change majors from dating jocks to dating professors.  Perhaps Dr. Bronstein’s nice ass and the fact that he spent summers in Spain made him alluring.  But after taking Dr. Bronstein’s class and a half semester Independent study I decided to move on.

After that semester fling with the Baby Boom generation I met Ned.  I was close to graduation and I felt I needed to settle into my generation.  Ned was what I knew I wanted all along.  He was to be the editor of the Northwestern law review next year, a sure fire star Tax Attorney in waiting, from an affluent gentrified family that was well traveled, and very confident.  Did I mention he was everything except a guy who could make me cum 3 times in one night?  Well, I had my jocks, my musicians, my professors – it was time to settle down, this is the guy who I will own a home with, have pleasant conversation and children with, go to concerts and soccer games with.  I’d moved on, maybe my clit should as well I told myself.  At the end of the day all those “great sex” guys were never that great after about 5 months anyway.  Or so I told my 20-something self.

Alex's 1st HNT as well
Now flash forward to 2012 and I have realized that family, career, and great sex are not always concentric circles within the life of a 40 year old woman and yet should not be mutually exclusive.  But how to make those circles overlap into one life that I can enjoy?  Well, I guess that’s why we blog!  So that voyage of discovery will be the mission of this blog going forward.

I hope some of you will join me and let me know your thoughts.