Friday, September 30, 2011

FFF - Lost

Setting - a dimly lit bunker looking/war room; two men anxiously looking at the images to the right on one computer screen, the computer screen next to it is blank with error message.  Both dressed professionally but shirt sleeves rolled up, ties loose.  Empty styro coffee cups litter desk.

Reilly (sitting at computer astonished):  My god, it's lost!  It just vanished

Landers (gruffly affirmative):  You've got to be kidding, we have to have that DNA code, this thing has gone airborne!

Reilly (frantically, voice breaking):  Sir, the power surges have screwed up the network - we are offline, I can't get to anything!

Landers (feverishly speaking):  You don't understand we have to get production up on the anti-virus, we are airborne we have about 48 hours to contain this thing or we are all screwed!

Camera focus shifts to TV in corner of lab.  In the background CNN playing, Piers Morgan show starts.

Piers Morgan:  Tonight we have the controversial Paleo-Biologist Dr. Ryan Beaumont famous for his doomsday prevention drug - Amorous.  Dr. Beaumont, many in the scientific world seem to think you are quite the quack - what say you to your critics.

Dr. Beaumont:  Well first Piers thank you for allowing me onto your show.  We know of the Great Mammalian Extinction at the end of the last ice age.  Many theorize that extinction occurred due to drastic climate change.  I believe that a quick warming of the earth gradually and adversely affected the reproductive desire of many mammals.  And, as you know Piers, most scientist take it for granted now that we are actively in another period of global warming.  My concern is that as the Earth continues to heat the human race will be affected in ways well beyond rising tides.

Piers Morgan:  Dr. Beaumont, are you saying that just because the Earth is heating up a bit humans are going to decide to stop making whoopie so to speak.

Dr. Beaumont:  Well Piers, I wouldn't put it just that way and it will certainly be more gradual but yes in laymen terms heat could slow down our libidos and marginal changes in resulting birth rates could have catastrophic implications.

Piers Morgan:  And so you've come up with this "love drug" as many are calling it to stimulate us when it gets too hot - sort of like freebasing Viagra.

Dr. Beaumont:  Again, Piers that is an exaggerated analogy but yes, I think it is critical to the continuation of the human race to insure that if drastic climate change occurs that humanity has the tools to adapt.  I have recreated DNA of highly sexed individuals and refined it into a nasal application that functions much like a virus.  It can be spread to stimulate sexual activity within a population if needed.  This is one pathway of adaption to one challenge our climate will give us.  Certainly there will be other challenges.....

Camera fades back to Reilly and Landers.

Landers:  My god that guy is a quack why did we ever listen to him.  We made that drug to save humanity and now all of New York is about to go on the world's largest orgy and we can't do anything to stop it.

Reilly (emphatically):  God help us.

Landers (timidly):  So Reilly, do you still have some of that stuff; I'm meeting that hot new blond from accounting later - I'd like to be going all night if you know what I mean!  ;)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Girls (Ryan) On Film

1. If a screenwriter turned you into a character in a movie.

a. What stock Hollywood character would it be most like? For example: best friend, ditzy blonde, absent-minded professor, captain of industry, etc.  Absent minded professor DEFINITELY (for sooo many reasons)

b. What actor/actress would play you?  Harry Connick, some people say I look like him.  Unfortunately I don't play like him.  The celebrity Facebook match also said I look like John Ritter, but I think he would struggle to handle that part now.
2. What genre of movie is your life most like? For example: romantic comedy, goofball comedy, spy, coming of age, action/adventure, sci-fi, etc  Goofball comedy!  Let's talk Wedding Crashers meets Old School.
3. What kind of scene in a movie would you like to play most? Why?

a. Argument
b. Love scene  Are you "nuckin' futs!"  I'm a guy, of course I want to be in a love scene!  I want to recreate that swimming scene with Jennifer Connelly from the Hot Spot!
c. Gun fight
d. High-speed car chase
*  My second choice would be nailing the final shot at the buzzer a la Hoosiers!
4. Have you ever looked around you and thought “this is like a scene from a movie”? What were the circumstances?  Hell, I've tried to set up my whole Shannon's story as a faux The Player meets Up in the Air  storyline.  Problem is, that it's all too true!
5. Have you ever looked at a character in a movie and said, “Hey, that could be me”? Who/what was the character?   Yeah unfortunately, I always get a creepy sense of commonality when I watch Saving Silverman!
BonusHave you ever been in pictures–Hollywood film, porno, homemade video, or other type of film? Tell us about it. …and is it on YouTube :D

Nope, but I know people who were extras in Gods and Generals and a friend of mine's brother was in Toy Soldiers

Monday, September 26, 2011

He's Gone and Neglected His Frail Wildwood Flower

Shannon’s Story – Part XII

Part XII of a series written from my wife’s perception of our life together.  Part I of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking......
Ryan and I had tried therapy way back in late 2003 when we still lived in the Midwest.  Ryan was really pressing for it, I'm sure he thought it was a pathway to more sex.  I was just starting to travel more and so I really did not have the energy for it.  We went for about a total of 5 exasperating session where I felt that the burden of improving the marriage was fully placed on my shoulders.  What I got from the therapist was that Ryan and I needed to find time to date, I needed a friend, and that I might need some medication for my thyroid.  My answer: 1) who has time to date, when I wasn't traveling I wanted to be with my girls, 2) I needed Ryan to be a friend and let me quit my job, 3) thyroid imbalance?  Really!  The cause of my aggression was Ryan - that lazy bastard!

Anyway, that first round of counseling was very short lived.

So in fall of 2008 Ryan talked me once again into marriage counseling.  Yes, Ryan the perpetual victim and martyr always willing and responsible to help me find new ways to serve his needs.

This time the therapist was better.  But I always came away feeling cheated.  All we did was talk.  A few times she mentioned "homework" but we never really got around to it and she never really gave us any advice.  I think the most ridiculous moment was when Ryan came into a session with a document he described as "a marriage audit."  Typical Ryan, taking an emotion and putting a bottom line profit on it.  And he expects me to be turned on by that?  I think he said it was some type of BS assessment on how each of us was or was not meeting the needs of the other.

Eventually this therapist suggested I meet with another therapist to discuss the anger I had toward Ryan and she would focus on us as a couple.  I really didn't have the time to meet with one therapist let alone two so this was a recipe meant to fail.

What I can say is that Ryan and I were both very candid.  I discussed my relationship with Brent and Ryan discussed his failings as a husband and the career issues he had in the Midwest.  Of course clearing out the underbrush only revealed the great stone wall that we had built between one another.  And I have to admit, during the year that we were in therapy I was still seeing Brent off and on so I really did not have my head in the game.  So we came away with a lot of understanding of where we were and why we were there but not much motivation to change.

As for Brent, I said before he and I had many break ups.  Each one was harder and usually longer and the reunion was less heartfelt.  By summer, 2009 Brent's marriage was ending.  By fall, 2009 he had moved out of his house, officially separated from his wife.  He was becoming very distant at work and his travel was very erratic.  I associated it with the divorce but it meant we were not around each other very often.

Long story short, by fall, 2009 I had really had it.  At the time I didn't really blame Brent for his distance, his home life was falling apart.  For me it was just time to move on and without regrets.  That September we were together for a meeting in Indianapolis.  When I told him my feelings he was not surprised and from the look in his eye I could tell we both knew this time was for good.  We did have "goodbye sex" that night.  It was OK, but this time I didn't leave with a desire for more or apprehension over the next time I would see him.  I really felt a big since of relief.

So fall, 2009 into the holidays was a bit of a relaxing period for me - both my guys were leaving me alone.  And that is all I really wanted at that moment in time.

But out of the gates in 2010 Ryan renewed his pledge to divorce if things didn't improve.  This time Ryan said, and I quote, "I'm putting the ball in your court to see what you come up with."  Isn't that nice of him.

So I was tasked to find a new therapist that I would fully support.

I settled on a therapist in another town about 30+ minutes away, nobody locally really seemed like they focused just on marriage counseling, we do live in a small town after-all.  This would again be a recipe for failure.  Each time we had an appointment was essentially a 2.5 hour commitment between driving and the meeting.

We saw this therapist for just over a year ending last spring.  I really liked Dr. P and again it was very therapeutic to talk out our problems, understand our mistakes, and why we were at this point.  This time I was able to focus more because Brent was not on my mind.  At the end of the day it really came down to trust, I just didn't trust Ryan to have my back and to change.  I was quite sure that if we had sex things would be good for a short time but then he would just return to his selfish state of being.  The therapist basically said we both needed to take a leap of faith.  He didn't say that we should get divorced nor did he say we should have sex but he did say if we were committed to each other long term we had to take the jump.  He rationalized that if things didn't get better at least I would have the answer I was looking for and could leave Ryan with a clear conscience.  It seemed so rational and logical in practice and I could see Ryan eating it up with a spoon.  But still, in reality the thought of sex made me feel violated and dirty and it made me feel like I was giving in.  I just couldn't do it and look at myself in the mirror.  I was quite sure it would only make things worse.  I can't say I was happy at this time or even content but I was getting to a place where I was not perpetually sad and I didn't want to muddy that up with anything new.  Where Ryan and I were as a couple had become somewhat terra firma for me and I didn't want to change the landscape.

Now back to Brent.   I mentioned above that Brent's travel schedule had become erratic since his divorce and also that he did not press me back in September when I broke up with him.

Many of my work colleagues noticed that Brent was spending a whole lot of time in Indianapolis now.  I thought it was due to needs of a certain account.  I would later find out that it was entirely about the needs of certain account.

I started to hear about this fabulous new manager at one of Brent's accounts in Indianapolis.  In fact at one point she even sent me a Facebook friend request.  She was a girl who had recently moved to the states from Italy, her name was Allegra and apparently she was fantastic at whatever she did.  What that fantasticness was at work and otherwise and how it related to Brent would slowly become apparent to me over the next few months.

Now, while you're crying for Shannon and/or cursing me and Brent please enjoy this beautifully melancholy ballad, Wildwood Flower, originally written and performed by the famous Carter family (including June Carter who would later marry Johnny Cash).  The version below is Reese Witherspoon singing from the Walk the Line soundtrack.  I think the Johnny Cash/June Carter story is perhaps the greatest love story of all time and wow - what great music.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Now the Pace We're Livin' Takes the Wind from My Sails

I'm not a humongous Buck Owens fan but he was very influential.  He was part of a renegade country movement in the late '60's that was termed "the Bakersfield sound."  It was a blend between the traditional country and western sound of the 50's along with a little bit of the more "produced" Countrypolitan sound developing at the time.  Many artists I do very much like adapted elements of their sound from Buck Owens' recordings including Merle Haggard, the Flying Burrito Brothers and even the Beatles and the Stones.  The Bakersfield sound morphed into the Outlaw Country movement of the 70's and became hugely popular when Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and others started reaching pop charts.  Today you hear Owens' influence in Dwight Yoakim and many other country artists.  OK, so that is today's attempt at being a writer for Rolling Stone!  I just thought that line from Tiger by the Tail fit my feelings as I was contemplating how to fit everything into my life.  :)

So maybe you are thinking - "hey Ryan this Keeley stuff is great but what about Sandra, you never ended that story?"

And you know what you would be right.  So listen here ladies this is a deep dark entrance into the warped male mind here; total candor and rationalisation.  Men are good at rationalising you know.  I make no apologies for me and guys in general here, but then again I suspect you were never here to read about Good Guy adventures!

You see I work in hospitality so I work a lot of weekends and often will have a long day or two during the week.  But I'm also the boss (in my little area) and make my own schedule so that allows me to take an afternoon off or two.  My boss (the VP way up in the sky) is only worried about the bottom line as most bosses are wont to do.  Thankfully old Ryan is a cash cow and always makes budget so I generally have the freedom to do as I please at work as long as I keep producing.

Sorry for that egoistic diatribe on work.  But anyways here is the rationalization.

Sandra and I were basically meeting every other week and one of those weeks would generally just be lunch or breakfast; the other well, you know.  I didn't get the impression that Keeley was looking for someone who would be draped all over her constantly.  So my plan in my devious and now "bad guy" brain was that I would see Keeley one week and Sandra the next.  In that way I would achieve a perfect Feng Shui balance; kind of like the Karate Kid in an adult way "Sex on, sex off, Keeley on, Sandra off, Keeley off, Sandra, on, wax on, wax off!"  :)

Btw, in writing this I googled "wax on, wax off" just for the hay of it and found that there is actually a Wax on Wax Off Spa in Chicago - I guess I just find that funny!  Anybody care to join me for a couples waxing next time I'm in the Second City (my treat)!

Here is Buck Owens and the Buckaroos from Cornfield County!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

When You're Sure You've Had Enough of this Life

WOW!  In all seriousness this one really hurts.  The greatist band of my generation breaking up!  In truth I had not really paid attention to a lot of their new music since about Automatic for the People but it was always comforting to know they were there.  I guess I can only hope for some type of reunion somewhere down the road; maybe when I'm an aging over the hill Gen X'er!  :'(

My all time favorite REM song:

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Don't You Know that it's Different for Girls

Something about Joe Jackson always reminds me of the summer.  I think it's because I just seem to associate that song Is She Really Going Out with Him with being at swim practice and around the pool in the summers way back when (note:  the song was released in September, 1978).  And doesn't every guy truly identify with THAT song!  How many times were you asking how did that gorilla end up with that girl and is she really going to take him home tonight?  Doesn't she realize she could be with me?  Oh wait, Riff probably doesn't identify because he was that guy that was with that girl while we were scratchin' our heads!  :)

Anyway something about Joe Jackson is very calming and peaceful in a depressing way of sorts.

Another song of his is It's Different for Girls.  To me it seems to be about a guy who thinks he should pursue a girl with the typical romantic sweet intentions yet finds out not all girls are that way.  In fact some girls are in it for the sex among other things.  But regardless isn't it so important "to be sure we want the same thing!"

I really was drawn to Keeley from the start, probably moreso than with Alesha or Sandra.  Maybe it was because I was loosening up and just enjoying the playful gamesmanship of the AM notes, e-mails, CHAT's, etc.  And also understanding that it was perhaps a titillating game for her as well; yes it's fun to be the prey sometimes.  Regardless, I was really anxious to meet Keeley.  And obviously the fact that she was from another country added to the allure.

As I said in my last Keeley post she was a little reluctant to meet a guy that lived an hour away.  So I made it "turn-key" for her.  I love to explore and exploring out of the way restaurants is one of my hobbies.  There was a diner I had driven by many times on the way to Baltimore.  It looked like something you would see on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives so I really wanted to go but had never found the time.  This place would be about a 15 minute drive for Keeley so it was the perfect "turn-key" compromise.

The one difference here was that I had yet to speak with Keeley over the phone, I had done so with Alesha and Sandra.  But Keeley and I had CHAT'ed so I knew more about her on paper.  But it still felt like a real blind date not having heard her voice.  Of course, I had alerted her to the fact that some claim I have a bit of a southern twang to my accent - I didn't want her to have any bad reaction to finding out she was with a hick from the sticks!

So I found myself driving toward Baltimore on a beautiful, crisp, clear October day.  It was one of those days where you get the feeling that it is the sun's last blast of fall just before the November blahs.  We were to meet at about 2 pm for a late lunch.  I got there a few minutes early and just waited and listened to XM Radio.  A few minutes after 2 pm a big Black tank of an SUV (Denali) pulls up toward the middle of the parking lot.  I was pretty sure it was her.  I saw a very stylish looking lady with sunglasses and long hair as she drove by.  I could just make out that she was finishing a cell phone call.  She finished, put down the phone, and then glanced into the vaniety mirror and swiped at her hair.  Then she opened the door and stepped out.

She had a dark navy power suit with a fairly tight knee length skirt and a somewhat low cut white blouse.  Her heels accentuated her long shapley legs and her height.  She had long Auburn hair that really caught fire in the light of the sun.  I stepped out and started to walk toward her.  She took off her glasses and revealed a timid smile.  As I approached I opened up my arms a little and said "are we supposed to hug here?"  I thought that might break the ice and it did.

She felt really good in that brief moment and smelled wonderful.  She had listed herself as 5'8" and 150#'s on AM but the heels made her feel like she was eye to eye with me.  I think you could classify her as "big boned" but very sexy, shapely, and athletic looking; similar in appearance to Princess Fergie.  Again, I have said back in school and certainly with my wife I have always been with the petitie cute girl.  With Sandra and now with Keeley I found myself with the bombshell type.

Oh, and I forgot to mention.  Just after I said "are we supposed to hug here?"

She replied "yeah, I guess we are.  It's great to finally meet you - you are a cutie."

And WOW, that Aussie accent was a total turn on!

So we went inside and got a table with a beautiful view of the highway (that's sarcasm) but I was not really looking there because she was to my right and in front of that view.

I tend to be the typical WASP with a big personal space so I always notice when people are close and maintain eye contact.  Keeley seemed very genuine and eager to get to know me.  We did find ourselves talking about family a lot but also just how we got to where we were.  She came to the states for college to play a sport, met her husband in college, had lived out west, but had been on the east coast for the last 10 years.  Marriage was the typical story; husband with low sex drive, lost feelings, work-a-holic etc, etc.

It's funny all the women always say they love their husbands.  And you know I say the same thing too.  But we both agreed that we needed more and were looking for that romantic enchantment.

We ordered, I think she got a Caesar Salad and I went with my diner stand-by Cobb Salad (originally created at the Brown Derby restaurant in Hollywood for you food buffs).  By the end of the meal our knees were touching.  At one point I made the point to slightly touch her arm to emphasize a point.  Her smile seemed to broaden at the touch in acceptance.  We decide to split a slice of Banana Cream pie with coffee.  She touched my hand at one point to emphasize one of her points and that lingered into a few minutes of hand holding.

When she went to the restroom and I got up to pay I was surprised that it was already 3:30 pm and we had been there for an hour and a half.  When she came back I walked her to her car.  I had mentioned that work was winding down a bit and I would be more free in the coming weeks.  As I opened her door she said "is next week still slow for you?"

I said "yes."

Then Keeley followed with, "let me see if I can get a whole afternoon off so we can spend some quality time together."

I could tell she wanted to be kissed so I leaned forward as if to hug.  She met me with a kiss.  At first a few pecks but she didn't pull back so I leaned in further.  I love those soft gentle kisses that lead slowly to a deeper kiss.

But I sensed this was not the time and place and something down below was on full alert and I didn't want a Ron Burgandy moment sticking out there in the breeze so I slowly pulled back.  Keeley was smiling and rubbed me on the shoulder and said "next time."  I was not exactly sure what next time meant but I knew what I hoped it meant.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

For a Smile They Can Share the Night

Or the Ashley Madison Adventures of a DC Divorce Crasher

This blog is many things.  Some decent music quotes, a few recipes, and few silly tales of a good guy gone bad.  But because I am one of those Insider Washington Elitists who believes the world revolves around that corridor between DC and Boston I feel I owe it to all you folks to bring you stories of vital importance!

So I just want to get out ahead of this story below.

Under that category of "who would have believed it would happen to them" apparently the Salahis of White House party crashing fame are now getting a divorce (see below).

Now this story seems to indicate former Journey guitarist Neil Schon as the culprit for the break-up.  Aparently she has returned to her former occupation of groupie (that was before she was a Redskins cheerleader alternate).

But just to forewarn you if you hear of any mystery NOVA guys Michaele may have met via the internet just turn the TV set off if they say anything about a Ryan Beaumont!  You know how the DC liberal media can skew everything!  :)

But then again, if I have any post down the road about DCPartyCrashHousewifey  you may know where it's coming from.

In fact just the other day I did see the following profile on AM:

"Into crashing backstages now!"
Age:     45
Height:  5'9"
Weight: 127
Appearance:  Fit

Preferences?  Shopping for Jimmy Choos in Chevy Chase (the suburb that is not stealing women's shoes from the SNL star), Bistros in Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria

What Turns Me On?  Aging stadium rock guitarists, the White House queso sauce, me in a Redskin's cheerleader outfit cheering for Chris Cooley.  Looking as good as Michelle (I plan on being bff's with the FLotUS)

What am I Looking for?  Somebody who is an invited guest and better yet the guy the party is for, I'm tired of crashing parties.  Someone who has their own show so I don't have to share the camara with other ladies who think they are hotter than me and talk about my boobs behind my back!  Dan Snyder to move to Dallas.  But really I'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world wanting to take the train to anywhere!

*  Authors Note:  I just had to add the Dan Snyder sentence.  :); Journey Groupie also checked everything except for Cottage Country and drug free!  I guess if you're going to be a rock star groupie you have to make some exception to controlled substances!

Friday, September 16, 2011

FFF - Load

FFF's new (temporary?) home is at Sometimes the World Begins!


Was she sexually attractive?  How can one say they desire an angle.  The heights of her beauty and elegance put her on an unattainable peak, but I was always near her.  Her glow radiated a warmth throughout the crew.  I was scarcely more than the guy that would load the sets.

But many nights I was the guy that stayed late and listened to her dreams after a long rehersal.  But every time I had to let her go.  She would tell me what was in her heart but that heart belonged to him.

That is until the day that he tossed her beautiful heart away for another just in from Kiev.

So once again I listened to my beautiful ballarina's heart.  But this time that heart looked back at me not as an admirerer but as a soul with whom to dance.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

This One Goes to 11

"You see, most blokes will be playing at 10. You’re on 10, all the way up, all the way up...Where can you go from there? Nowhere. What we do, is if we need that extra push over the cliff...Eleven. One louder." DiBergi: "Why don’t you just make 10 louder and make 10 be the top number, and make that a little louder?" Nigel: "These go to 11."

And remember this one as well!:
“You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece.”
“What do you call this?”
“Well, this piece is called ‘Lick My Love Pump’.”

OK, all that above has nothing to do with today's post.  But as I was contemplating my 11th "Shannon's Story" post that (in)famous Spinal Tap scene just struck me like lighting and I couldn't help mentioning one of my favorite movies of all time!  Additionally, I have always felt Nigel and I are kindred spirits intellectually and culturally so I consider this a tribute as well.  But now, I'll get back to my alternate blog story.

Shannon’s Story – Part XI

Part XI of a series written from my wife’s perception of our life together.  Part I of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking....
Let me speed forward to about Summer, 2007.  Looking back my relationship with Brent had ebbs and flows.  At times we would be together constantly each week in different cities.  It was like we had a real relationship, almost a couple.  And at other times we would not see each other for a month.  At its best I knew I was his dream-girl and he was the most exciting guy I had ever been with.  I think our best time was when we drove up from Minneapolis to his small hometown in Central Minnesota.  Of course there was nothing fantastic about it just the chance to see who Brent really was and where he came from.  But the lows were always there, the weeks where we were almost at other ends of the country.  At times I did worry if this was just about sex for him and of course I did at times worry about Brent's reputation as a womanizer - would he ever move on to the next ingenue.

Likewise with Ryan there were ebbs and flows.  At times we would be at each other's throats and at others just distant roommates.

What kept me going was the natural progression of each year.  The beginning of school for our daughters, the holidays, snow days, Spring Break vacations, beach vacations in the summer, and then back to school.  It was actually the progression of mundane life that held me together.  In many ways I was happiest when I was just existing.  Watching the girls play, reading the paper with a cup of coffee.  That is what sustained me.  God what I'd give just to be bored!

But like beach erosion my relationship with Brent was slowly fading away.  The highs were less high and lows more low.  Oh yes, we had several breaks.  Mostly me saying I couldn't take the stress.  We would part ways but eventually and inevitably we would be on the road together at dinner or at a hotel in St Louis or Kansas City; Brent would beg, I would feel bad and perhaps just simply have the need to feel attractive, and of course it would happen.  We would have sex and things would go forward again.  But each time it felt less good and more dirty.

The first few times we broke up Brent was very sweet.  One night he literally got on his knees and begged me back.  I was floored and I couldn't help myself.  As time went on though Brent got more exasperated with me and his pleas for my return were less and less heart felt and sometimes bordered on condescending.  I could see the aggravation and look in his eyes, I could see him thinking "oh great, this again - how long will it be this time."

Sex at times became a means to an end and Brent would manipulate me.  Once he wanted me to leave on a Sunday to be with him for an evening before we were to be at meetings on a Monday.  I always treasure my weekends with my girls but I hopped on that plane just so I could be with him for an extra night.  Unfortunately Ryan found a Starbucks receipt from MDW when I said I was going to Missouri.  Not good! But worse was the guilt I felt at leaving for Brent when I could have been home.  Home and the absence of travel stress was beginning to be more attractive than another screw in a Midwest hotel.  I guess the one good thing I could count on at home from Ryan was that eventually he would calm down and just go watch football or basketball and leave me to myself.

Ryan finally said he had visited a lawyer and had put down a retainer and was planning on filing for divorce.  I said I didn't want that.  I felt so strange now trying to convince Ryan not to divorce me when I had no feelings for him and in fact wished I could escape the life with him.  And of course I had filed for divorce just a few years prior and he had gotten that thrown out.  Life had become such a paradox.

I was most afraid of what life would be like trading our girls back and forth, leaving the home we had created, and leaving the relative comfort of the life I was now accustomed to with Ryan.

So we did what all couples do and we signed up for our second round of marriage counseling.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Fill Me Up to the Top

1. You’re on a speed date. You’ve got 7 minutes with the potential partner. You already know the person’s name. What are the first three questions you would ask?

*  What are you passionate about?
*  Where have you lived and traveled?
*  What do you do in your spare time.

2. Have you ever participated in speed dating? Did you get a regular date/second date out of it?

*  Can Ashley Madison be considered speed dating?  I guess that depends on what you consider to be dating - see Prowling with Kat

3. Do you participate in online dating? How many dates have you had as a result of online dating sites/matches?

*  Yes.  I don't know if I can say, I have not caught up on my blog.  Let's say 5 for now.  But again I don't think Kat would call these dates.

4. You are attracted to:

a. Who people are?  Except what people have and what they can do is part of who they are.  If people have charm and a fulfilled life they are more attractive.  If they do something artistic that interests me that is attractive.  But mostly if they are fun and captivate me that is what I look for the most.

5. What “little red flag” will cause you to end a date or immediately decide this person isn’t for you?  I would never abruptly end a date unless she threw something at me :)  But greed and arrogance turn me off.  That is what we prevent me from asking for a second date.

6. What do you feel you need to sacrifice or have sacrificed to be a part of a relationship?  It's best if you don't have to sacrifice at all - meaning when you choose to spend time with someone, when it isn't work, that is best.  I guess specifically it would be time and resources.  Are you going to shift your life around to make that person feel special.

7. If you cooked for your date, what would you cook?  I am always about flexibility, I can cook a lot and enjoy many cuisines and I like to make people feel special.  But if I'm choosing it would probably be Creole.  Shrimp and Grits, Etouffe, Sweet Corn Muffins, Bread Pudding, Gumbo, etc.

8. At the end of a first date, how would you kiss your date?

a. Press your lips against theirs, I tend to be shy and I don't assume, yet I also like slow gentle kisses that lead to more.  So I tend to see where it goes and follow her lead while acting like I'm confidently leading.  Does that make sense?

Bonus:  You just put up a profile on a dating site. You must describe yourself in 10 words or less. What are your 10 words?

One glass of Ryan just keeps me thirsty for wine!  :)


"I wake up in the morning and piss excellence!"
note - quote from Ricky Bobby

Friday, September 9, 2011

You May Ask Yourself, Well, How Did I Get Here?

First off let me tell you to skip on over to Prowling with Kat today as she has graciously invited me to take up space on her blog as a guest writer for her Fantasy Friday.  Actually I have to admit I had been beating down the door trying to land a guest post gig for some time and finally I think she took pity on me!  :)

As we say down here "even a blind pig can find an acorn every now and again!"  :)

Thanks Kat!  I hope I don't cause too much embarrassment over there in the land of fruit and nuts!

Blogger Stats:

I have had fun reading other bloggers notes on their stats, particularly the key word searches that have led "googlers" to the various blogs.  So I guess I should jump on the band wagon and do my little thing on blog stats.

My guess is that regardless of the search term most who happen upon my little blog are thinking those Talking Heads lyrics as they scratch their head and try to figure out "how did I get here?"

So I guess I should congratulate or sympathize with Sa Belle Petite Amie from Only Girl on AM as she was my 1st follower.  I would set up a link to her site but she has recently taken it down.  If you're still out there Belle - how's it goin'?  Since then I have gravitated up to 62 followers as of today.  Thank you so much for being here, seeing those little icons on my dashboard is a little ray of sunshine to me!

Hits/Traffic Sources:
Thanks to the fact that I have Ashley Madison in my title I get most of my hits (about 50%) from the search term "Ashley Madison theme song."  In fact if you type that into google I come in #4 after the Stern Fan Network, maybe Howard has mentioned my site.  During the week I'll range from about 350 to 450 hits per day.  On the weekends its down to around 150.  Sometimes when I can time a post along with a Riff Dog cliffhanger I can get up into the 500's.  Ooops, did I just admit I shamelessly jump on the Riff Dog bandwagon just to get exposure?  Shame on me!  My all time highest has been 845 in a day.  I am currently at about 56,000 hits since I started in early December.

After google my all-time top referring site is Ashley and Me (about 10%, no surprise there), thanks to Riff (the Master of the Kwan).  After that we have Under Contract to My Wife, Prowling with Kat, Sex and the Shitty, Holly in Wonderland, Anatomies of a Marriage, the World Begins, and Sex-in-the-South to thank for most of the balance of those hits.

A little over half of my hits are from the US.  With most of those coming obviously from dry counties with few women where they have absolutely nothing to do!  Actually, I don't know - I don't think Blogger breaks down by state.  After the US, Canada takes the silver with 5% of my hits with the UK taking Bronze.  Australia comes in 4th but hopefully with my Keeley posts I'll be up down under in the near future!  We've seen some success in Asia and the Russias but have not broken into South America very much.  I guess Borat really gets me!  And to my Nigerian prince out there - NO I don't want to deposit any money into an account for you - I can barely keep the lights on as it is with my paycheck!

Search Terms:
This is where the fun really begins!

So here are some of those wacky search terms:

Ukrainian Girls little ass sex
Ukraine mother turned me off
Ann Coulter I’d fuck her
Mardi Gras tits
Meredith Salinger sexy ass
Hot Dogs with celery salt
Something tells me the guy at the door is next
Bob’s Country Bunker
Ashley Madison is horrible

And yes I am so proud that you can google a hot dog or screwing Ann Coulter and find your way to my happy little site.  Kind of makes me all warm inside in a 6 degrees of seperation kind of way.

I wonder if I've converted any of those souls who google "Ashley Madison is horrible?"

Of course many an unfortunate soul has innocently been looking for one of their favorite lyrics and has mistakenly tripped onto my blog.  In fact, I put the "adult content" message after I saw a search term "My Man Stanley" on my blog stats.  I was horrified that some poor kid looking for that cartoon My Man Stanley had clicked his way onto my site :(  Btw, if you don't know the Baha Men, famous for Who Let the Dogs Out, also recorded the theme song to that cartoon.  Those same Baha Men just came in top 10 this week for the Worst Song of the 90's.


My all time most popular post is my Happy Ashley Madison day post but that is what comes up on the Ashley Madison theme song search term in google.  So I consider that stuffing the ballot box.

The second most popular post is my first post A Day that Will Live in Infamy.  But I think that is the case with every blog.  I do the same thing when I go to a new blog.  I read the post I'm linked to and then I go back to the first post because that is usually some type of introduction.

My most popular post on real terms is Don't Know What I Want which is where I mention first reading Riff Dog.  And I love those Sex Pistols lyrics!  That one is closely followed by You and Me Baby Ain't Nothin' but Mammals - that title is kind of an attention grabber.

So hopefully that gives you a little useless information on the Ashley Madison Adventures of a Regular Guy Gone Bad.  I do thank you for being here.  You make this bad guy feel very good!  :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

You Can Brush My Hair, Undress Me Everywhere

Sex blogging is great but I'm a guy that does from time to time have to consider higher thoughts in life.  I have many of those that I don't often reveal here.  For instance I watch at least 10 hours of sports per week, I blow another 10 surfing YouTube, and of course I have shared some of my cerebral gym activities watching hot ladies working out here with you on this blog.

So today I want to share with you really important news.  You may have already read this but just in case you didn't here it is, I love being the source of vital information.

Makes me want to say "Fair and Balanced!"

OK, so here it is, Rolling Stone has released the Worst Songs of the 90's.  And please, I invite any comments on how you remember these classics!

Here they are (with my comments):

1.     Barbie Girl - Aqua (how could you insult any Danish super-group)
2.     Los Lobos - Macarena (you shouldn't criticize any song that gets white people onto the floor!)
3.     Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart (Hey, I liked him in Hanna Montana)
4.     Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby (I always wondered what I would look like w/that hair)
5.     Chumbawamba, "Tubthumping" (This always makes me happy when I'm down)
6.     Hanson, "MMMBop" (Jesus, they were only 4 years old, I could barely wipe myself at that age!)
7.     Celine Dion, "My Heart Will Go On" (agreed - Celine blows old, fat, bald men! Hey that's actually true!)
8.     Baha Men, "Who Let The Dogs Out?" (Hey, I quoted this song once)
9.     Right Said Fred, "I'm Too Sexy" (the theme song to my life!)
10.   4 Non Blondes, "What's Goin' On" (Ahhhh, this song is so special to me, maybe I'll blog about it some day)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I Sit and Wonder Does the Message Get to You

Do you recognize that lyric?  Probably not, it's from one of those songs you've heard but would never guess the group.  Remember Baltimora - I didn't think so.

The song is Tarzan Boy.  No - this post is not about me screwing monkeys, get your mind out of the gutter!

Btw, if you live near DC you also live near Baltimore.  Except that even though Baltimore is close as a crow flies (we say that down south), anyone that lives in a major metro area knows the other side of the beltway can seem like the other end of the universe.

Yes McLean, VA to Beltsville, MD may not look too far on a map but at certain times during the day, trust me, it's a lifetime away.  Luckily I don't live in either of those places but it's a good analogy here.

Keeley had a town near Baltimore on her profile so I knew going in she was a bit further away than normal.  But as I had learned a little 30/45 minute drive to meet an AM friend was a good thing.  The problem is convincing a new lady of that.  You see, often new AM members are under the false assumption that sexual satisfaction lies within their neighborhood.  Well, that actually may be true but the problem is that liaison may be intersected by that nosey PTA mom upon your first casual drink at that local bar.  And god forbid your car is recognized at your local Holiday Inn :(

So, in my book, local is somewhat of a paradox.

But unfortunately you can't always tell these things to the new girls.  So you have to slowly work on it.

E-mail wise things moved fairly quickly and Keeley liked to CHAT on yahoo, that was somewhat new to me (I guess I'm just an old fashion cell phone guy).  I'm an OK writer when I have time to think but I'm not always quick on the draw so to speak in CHAT.  And like a bad politician I don't always stay "on message."  Meaning, one minute I'm working on talking about a dream or fantasy that includes coffee and whipped cream and the next I'm saying that I wish the Redskins would just stay sucky and not flirt with my emotions by beating the Cowboys and then tanking against Buffalo.

Anyway I was feeling good vibes from Keeley it was just the location thing that concerned her.  Luckily, Ryan is always flexible and volunteered the first drive.  There was in fact a diner near her off the highway that I had driven by many times and wanted to try.  She knew of it also and heard that it was good and wanted to try it as well.

My advice when trying to secure that first date.  Make it interesting but more importantly make it "turn-key!" 

Remember those lyrics from that song the Rose:

"And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong"

On Ashley Madison success does not always go to the best looking or funniest, it often goes to the lucky and the accommodating!

So after about 1 week of e-mails, CHATS, and a few exchanged pictures I had a date at a diner with about a 75/25 travel split - but I'm always willing to go the extra mile for the right lady!

Since I'm always the visual kind of guy I will say that Keeley looked a bit like Fergie; not from the Blackeyed Peas (all you millennials), the former princess Fergie.  Damn, now I'm thinking what it would be like to meet the Blackeyed Peas Fergie on AM - I'd be glad to "get stupid" with her!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Hello DC Sex Blogger, I'd Like to Thank You for You're Time; You Work a 4 Hour Week for a Livin' Just to Send it Out on the Web

Labor Day Food!

Don't you love America - we celebrate working by taking a day off!

And as for those lyrics; get it - it's a spoof on that Alabama song 40 Hour Week; you're supposed to laugh at that!  :)  Actually 4 hours a week might be a generous estimate of productivity on my part!

I am always fascinated by the fact that poor/working class folk's food has become haute cuisine.  Take cajun and creole.  You throw leftover sausage, vegetables, and creek bugs (that is basically what crawdads are) into a pot with rice and season with some stock you boiled off some leftover chicken bones along with some garlic, black/red/white pepper and you have a cheap meal.  Dessert?  How about we carmelize some sugar and pour over some crumbled up 3 day old bread with some raisens and a splash of rum and call it Bread Pudding - YUM!  It is what the poor Acadians (Cajuns) could afford.  Now add some tomatoes and you get Creole.  But again, poor-folk food.

But you get a guy in a tall white hat with a fancy name and screaming BAM!  And all of a sudden it's high class.

Now don't get me wrong, in my life I have become a fine connousseur of what I call poor-folk food.  These include Cajun, Creole, Carolina Low Country, BBQ, hot dogs, pizza, etc.

So if the bad economy has got you down and you don't think you have the time or the money to cook a great meal here are some ideas for some great poor folk food that would make Emeril proud!  Or Giada, I actually like her a lot better - I wonder why?

So to celebrate the workin' folks out there - here is some cheap food anybody can make.

Our menu:
Carolina She Crab Soup
Frogmore Stew or Horseradish Cheese Grits w/roasted peppers & onions
Kale Ceviche
Baked Apples w/Honey Butter Sauce

She Crab Soup
*  In a large soup pot melt 2 sticks of sweet butter over medium heat.  Add 2 small carrots, 1 stalk of celery, and one onion (finely chopped).  Cook about 5 minutes
*  Add half cup of sherry, stir until reduced
*  Stir in 1/2 cup of flour slowly to make smooth roux - do not allow roux to color or burn, allow to thicken to loose paste.
*  Slowly add 3 quarts of heavy cream to roux whisking gently into roux as poured.  Allow this to thicken.
*  Add 2 tbs worchester sauce, 2 tbs hot sauce, 3 tbs fresh chopped parsley, 3 tbs fresh chopped thyme, 1 bay leaf, 1/2# crab roe, 1/2# blue crab meat, 1tbs honey, salt and pepper to taste
*  Note:  The crab roe gives the She Crab soup it's distinct pink color!

Frogmore Stew
*  In a large stock pot bring 8 cups of water, 3 tbs Old Bay, dash of hot sauce, 1 stick of unsalted butter to a boil.
*  Once water boiling add 1.5#'s of red potatoes (cleaned/not peeled) and allow to boil for 15 minutes.
*  Reduce heat to medium and add 2# cubed smoked Kielbasa, 6 ears of corn, 2#'s shell on fresh shrimp (20 count).  Bring mixture to boil
*  Once shrimp are pink, remove mixture from heat, strain, pour out onto a table and dig in!

Horseradish Cheese Grits
*  Bring 3 cups of whole milk, 3/4 tsp salt, and 1/4 tsp pepper to boil in sauce pan.
*  Once boiling slowly pour in 3/4 cup stone-ground grits whisking vigorously.  Reduce heat and continue stirring (every few minutes) until thickened (about 30 minutes - add water or more grits as needed).
*  Heat broiler to high.  Place 2 cleaned and halved peppers under broiled and cook until blackened; once cooked set aside to cool.
*  Once cool run peppers under hot water and remove blackened skin; cut remaining pepper into julienne strips.
*  In skillet heat 1 tbs olive oil and add 1/2 red onion and pinch of salt and pepper (add small amount of bacon or sausage if desired).  Stir until onion is soft.
*  Stir in 3/4 cups of aged white chedder into grits until melted; next fold in the onion mixture and peppers into grits and add 2 tbs horseradish.
*  Serve grilled shrimp over grits if desired.

Kale Ceviche
*  Rinse 4 bunches of fresh kale and tear into bite sized pieces, removing tough stems.
*  Place kale and 1/2 medium onion (finely chopped) in salad bowl.
*  Pour juice from 2 lemons over leaves and toss until coated.
*  Add 1/4 tsp of cayenne, 1/4 cup olive oil, salt and freshly ground pepper.  Toss again and refrigerate overnight.
*  The acidity of the dressing will cook the kale.

Baked Apples w/Honey Butter Sauce
*  Pre-heat oven to 350; melt 1/4 cup unsalted butter in saute pan.
*  Wash, peel, core, and slice (halves) 4 granny smith apples; add apples to saute pan briefly to coat in butter.
*  Remove pan from heat and arrange apples in a single layer on pan (rounded side up).
*  Sprinkle apples with 1/2 cup of granulated sugar and drizzle 1/2 of brandy over apples; cover pan with foil and bake until tender (about 30 minutes).
*  In medium sauce pan melt 1/2 cup honey, 3 tbs butter, juice from 1/2 lemon, and 1.2 tsp cinnamon.
*  Once honey/butter mixture melted add apple peels and saute until peels are softened.  Add a pinch of salt and deglaze from the baked apples.
*  Once peels are soft strain mixture into another sauce pan pressing firmly with ladle to extract all juice and leaving solids.
*  Bring remaining sauce to simmer; whisk in another 1/2 cup of unsalted butter, 1/2 cup of whipping cream, and a dash of brandy.
*  Serve sauce over apples with a side of fresh whipped cream or ice cream

You know in high school I was jealous of all those rock and roll guys that the girls always swooned over.  But in my 40's I now realize that a great cook is the new rock star for all those 30/40 something HOTTIES out there!  :)