Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The World's Made Up of This and That

Or A Little Less Conversation

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)
Part I (maybe)
from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

Oh wow if there was ever an instance of "be careful what you ask for....."  I was worried about this project because you always worry about throwing a party and then nobody coming.  Fortunately us humans are curious and I think much like we all tend to look at that car crash we are driving by no less than 6 ladies took a peak and/or winked at Mr. NotForest.  What took place after?  Well, let's just say "what happens in Bayou La Batre, stays in Bayou La Batre!"  :)

Just kidding, that wouldn't make much of a post would it!

Before I say anything further though I want to send out a big thanks to all the lovely ladies that participated - it was a blast.  As Hemingway once said "you learn a lot about a woman by not sleeping with her."

So in no particular order let's talk about how I came to know Green Eyed Midwest Gal, Northern Exposure, MS Southern Sweet Tea, MyVALUVA, Heartland Belle, and ClassySoxieLassie.  Of course the AM names here are changed to protect the innocent.  I mean really who wants it to get out that they have been winking at this dipstick blogger!  :)

I.     Mrs. Green Eyed Midwest Gal - here is a great place to insert one of my all time favorite quotes which is very applicable to AM "be quick but never hurry."  On the evening that I put up the post invitation she checked out my profile (I saw under "who viewed me").  Btw ladies "who viewed me" is basically "I've looked at your profile and I want you badly big daddy," in guy mentality.  I checked out her profile and was immediately captivated.  First off Mrs. Eyes - best Caption Greeting eva' to you "I think I could fall madly in bed with you," AWESOME!  Mrs. Eyes had a very sexy picture of her legs at the foot of an apparent hotel room bed.  She had an effective economy of language that supported the fact that she is a confident (probably very professional) female who knows what she wants.

She mentioned she was looking for a healthy amount of lust and that it takes a certain amount of chemistry and attraction on both sides to have a "fun fling."  She said she was looking for a man who knew when to be a gentleman and when not to be.  She laid it right out there saying "this type of relationship is only worth it if the sex is phenomenal.... I'm looking for exceptional, aren't you?"

So what does one do when you find such a stunning and confident lady?  Of course you do something stupid like immediately click private showcase request.  You know it's not like I haven't read a 1,000 times how much ladies hate the key requests and winks without any notes and then what does Ryan do after promising a professionally written note? Yeah buddy "be quick but never hurry!"

I don't drink Scotch but I often look confused
OK a mistake made but let's rebound now.   I drafted a fairly quick message in an attempt to get the note there before she rolled her eyes at my showcase request.  On the fly I think I did pretty good.  I have to admit though I am not my best with women like Mrs. Green Eyes.  It's not that I don't like confident women, I do.  It's just, if you've read my blog, I think you will understand that I tend to hit it off with the flaky/free spirited whimsical type.  If you are looking for stylish, sullen, brooding, cerebral Don Draper - well that really ain't me.

But I've got a little secret I use when I'm writing, I imagine myself writing to a specific women.  So then the question is, who is Mrs. Green Eyes?   The "fall madly into bed with you" line so playfully blanketed by the lusty yet candid thoughts to my mind could only be none other than Mae West.  I may not be Don Draper, let's face it; 1) I'm not a raging alcoholic, 2) I wouldn't screw a neighbors wife, and 3) I'm just too damn happy.  But I could be Cary Grant and Cary Grant and Mae West make one damn fine couple.  So let's not beat around the bush.  Let's be direct but slightly playful, forward but flirty.  We don't want to be shy but let's show some style and esprit de corps!

Now I'm thinking one Don Draper-esque note with Cary Grant accents was what was called for here.  I decided I better set aside my typical Will Ferrell'esque routine.

Here are my thoughts to Mrs. Green Eyes:

"Apology first, I was clicking and sent private showcase request 1st. I never do that until I've written a note. I'm old school but us old schoolers are much better than those all thumbs "smart phone" dudes! I'm ashamed because generally I'm so good with my fingers - I like to let them move slowly and rhythmically over the board or whatever pretty tapestry I'm working with at that point in time. I see you like stylish and classy so my old school Don Draper schtick may be like smooth Scotch over crisp cool ice. Or maybe a nice Belini.

I know just where to have that first drink now that I have the urge to go straight to a meeting suggestion. See you have me out a whack and going off script. I hoped a friend from ******* would come knocking. How do drinks at the *** ****** Piano Bar sound and then we can find a way down **** ***** Drive to anywhere quiet and peaceful!

So I see you enjoy new and fantastic experiences and expect the best. Ever see that Brit comedy Absolutely Fabulous. That's me! Well, I like Brit humor and most ladies find me well fabulous as well.

I'm 6' tall so I believe that allows me to check tall. You didn't mention dark and handsome but I'm 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I have that (in the summer).

But those are just words as you say phenominal is in the moment which is where I want to be. A fabulous third place beyond the outside world, like stepping into a picture.

So what is daring, kinky, erotic? I think slow conversation over those Belini's followed by a long lingering walk down ******** to a special place. Perhaps a stop on a corner for a long warm kiss that could melt for hours yet must end lest we forget where gravity pulls us. Once in a room away from the crowd anything wild, animal, crazy, and energetic is fun but like that cool ice in warm scotch I want to melt into someone gliding together in rhythm that crescendos to a beautiful beat until we cascade down that roller coaster hill together grabbing pulling and screaming!"

Honestly, that is WAY more forward than I tend to be on AM.  But Mrs. Green Eyes seems as if she is a fast paced lady with not a lot of time on her hands for the typical "cock and bull" AM story (ha, ha get it; the stupid guys send you a cock shot with a little bull to the side)! Sorry that was back to my Will Ferrell routine.  Anyway, I see her as a bullet points gal who wants to know what a guy wants and then take the time to enjoy that slowly once comfortable and for Christ sake know how to use an adjective properly (I bet she was good at English back in college).

II.    Northern Exposure - If Mrs. Green Eyes had the best greeting Mrs. Northern Dancer was a close second with "excitement, butterflies, lust, and little danger please."   Wow, you Canuck lasses know how to give a guy instructions!

Northern Exposure among other things is "looking for a feeling...desire, lust, excitement...chemistry and sensuality."  She admitted that she "is spoiled and always wants more."  She ended her profile with "write something funny and slightly intriguing and I will be hooked."

OMG Northern Exposure "funny and slightly intriguing?"  The Ryan Experience was made for you darlin'!  Btw ladies don't ever be afraid to say you are spoiled, want more, expect the best, yada, yada.  It doesn't turn us guys off, or at least us confident guys.  As you know I'm the greatest screw  the world has ever seen so that just represents a challenge to me.  Actually I'm sure I'm not the greatest screw ever but as with most guys I believe I am so throwing out words like that is just an invitation for us to test our elan!

Anyway, a lot of guys might get caught up in the whole "danger please" thing and throw out threatening offers like tying her up, sucking each other's blood, eating at Taco Bell after Midnight....  But I like to put my adjectives together to find meaning and here I have to say that excitement, butterflies, and a little danger to me coupled with that silly, intriguing, articulate stuff she mentioned elsewhere says "I like roller coasters and I want to be swept away in the moment."  Though much younger than me she seemed immediately a bit of an "old soul."

Here is what I offered to Ms Northern Exposure.  Looking back I'm not sure how I got on the Shakespeare kick but I think it had something to do with evoking a sense of the tragic hero pulled by force of nature.  I'm pretty sure I thought it would hit on that articulate desire and the allusions to MacBeth perhaps would hit on the excitement and danger she mentioned in her caption.  I also have to admit I was really pleased with my sense of Shakespearean humor below (hopefully you will catch it).  Then again ladies, never assume a guy is thinking much beyond what passed though his brain a few seconds ago!  :)

"Sweet and naughty; excitement with butterflies and a little danger! What an intricate and delightful paradox you spin and oh how I envision seaching for new adventures to experience together.

These thoughts transform me to a Shakespearean play where we are tragic heros thrown together by chance and lust for alluring intrigue. "Oh what a tangled web we weave..." Except here we don't have to deceive because we are just in the moment. We are who we want to be for a delicious slice of time that is in our place at our pace.

Ah ma beaute elegante, vous avez a joie de vivre. Such life must be experienced with someone who leads and follows us to greater heights!

And yes chemistry in the form of a sweet elixer we drink together on a quiet walk along the top of **** ***** overlooking the fair city below is a connection that pulls us together by gravitational force. Oh but then we must move force and away to a quiet, private place where sensuality can emerge and flow wherever the current takes us.

Yes we might make a spot but luckily we will be in a hotel room so it won't be us saying "out damn spot!"

Hey, I know that line was not as sexy but you did say write something funny! I am an ENTJ (Myers Briggs) so I have to check things off you know! But by ENTJ I mean that disliking my routine is my routine because my routine is generally looking for daring rendezvous! :)

Speaking of checks I see you've checked music. From my profile you'll see music is a big part of my life. Wine tasting is always a pleasant endevore on a quite day at a private spot along a tranquil river. I see you like a good communicator, I have a Minor in English from a reputable state University which makes me qualified unless you are one of those haughty Ivy League types (more humor)!

So there are my (almost 2,000) characters. How about a few back to me.

Oh and take a look at my pics and let me know if one looks familiar. It may be closer than you think!

Take Care and enjoy the day,


Oops, we're running a bit long today.  I think I said above this story might be a deuce!  Next week we'll meet Sweet Southern Tea, ClassySoxieLassie, and MyVALUVA (and maybe one more).  OH yeah and I have to think about our take-aways - all this Psychological adventure has to derive some meaning for antiquity after all or else it would just be something stupid I did to waste a lot of time!  That may be a whole 'nother post.

Well as I say "guys are like a box of chocolates", you never know what you are going to get until...., well, you ladies know!  :)

Hey this project has got me thinking, what next???  I think after I finish talking about all these ladies I may tackle the derivation of "the Feng Shui of Men!"

Thursday, August 22, 2013

When You Get Caught Between the Moon and (the Potomac River)

Mon Amie -

"There once was a very lovely, very frightened girl."  It was as if she lived alone except for when a nameless silly blogger came calling every now and again.....

Oh blah, that sounds very boring.

The last time I spoke about Sandee I mentioned something about a Late Night Double Feature Picture Show.  Of course in our case the first feature was Brad Pitt putting out a can out whup-ass to that zombie horde in WWZ (that movie did sound like a Wrestlemania event).  The second show was Sandee and I in the back of my van like a couple of teenagers trying to figure out how much time we had and how far we were willing to go before our curfews!  :)

Two weeks later I had another opportunity for a late night rendezvous.  Except me, the romantic at heart, really didn't want a repeat of the other week.  It just seemed "common," as a friend of mine would say.  I wanted spectacular, an occasion worthy of a movie script or a Lord Byron sonnet or something like that.

Oh *ull *hit Ryan you just wanted to get laid and wanted to do whatever would seem romantic to drive Sandee craza!

OK, your right.  But as I was thinking about what to do I thought of that lovely song "Moon River, wider than a mile.  I'm crossing you in style some day.  Oh dream maker, you heart breaker.  Whenever your going, I'm going your way...."

You know now that I think about it Sandee is just ever so slightly like Holly Golightly (how's that for a rhyme).  Sandee is sweet and a bit naive, the quintessential country girl somewhat lost in the big city, even though we don't live in a big city.

Anyway that's more like it Ryan.  Moon River, so romantic.  And it just so happens I know of a river close by that I know Sandee likes and I like!

I mentioned a moon-lit paddle-cruise to Sandee and she loved the idea!  Yes the thought of getting caught between the moon and the Potomac River seemed exquisite and yes song-like!

We met at our typical launch site on the river around 9 pm and paddled out into the warm night air.   The river glowed, bathed with the moonlight and all was quiet and serene.  We didn't talk much, just breathing in the air and atmosphere.  About 30 minutes upriver we found a placid spot on the river where the current was barely moving.  The water appeared as glass reflecting the shimmering moonlight towards our stare forming dancing sparkles of light as if we were part of an Impressionist painting.  We faced each other connected in our boats, her boat facing west, mine facing east.  We chatted about nothing much; our families, how we would get along with one another's parents, the upcoming school year.  I suppose at some moment I reflected on the duality of the power and the insignificance of the moment.  A quiet meaningless conversation yet one taking place in the middle of one of the most well known rivers in our country and a peaceful moment shared between two people comfortable with one another amid two uncomfortable life situations.

As is typical with us a comical reality soon set in.  Or rather it was more like, OMG I 'effing itch!!!!

Wait that didn't come out right - nobody had, you know, that type of itch.  I'm talking about 'skeeters!
We were out in the middle of a dang river, just after sunset, in the middle of summer.  I was about to go into a coma from the shock of blood-loss from the multitude of those mosquito bites.

So we decide to head back to shore.  A short paddle back and we were back to the cars and loaded up.

But again, no place to go.  I considered pushing for my place but I didn't think that was a boundary she wished to cross.  We ended up back at our last week spot and in the same position.  I guess "common" didn't matter anymore, but that was OK for now.

As we moved together Sandee became an intoxicating salty sweet dessert and I to her.  Her long hair cascading down into my face had that sweet floral aroma I have so come to enjoy.  Those floral accents augmented the salty beads of persperation that now formed gilded islands across her breasts.  I breathed in her aroma slowly and tasted those luscious salty islands as I moved over her.  As I then rose up and hovered above I saw that same moon now cascading it's beems across her lovely body and light now shimmered and danced along the river or moisture our bodies had created.  We moved slowly, drinking in the moment again as if we were characters in a painting; characters designed to preserve that ephemeral moment rather than live through it. 

And what I knew at that moment was that I really didn't need to press.  We had had sex on multiple occasions.  What we really yearned for now was that ultimate affair prize the overnight adventure, the pleasure of waking up next to one another and enjoying a cup of coffee the next morning.

That opportunity lay ahead as a once in a lifetime experience was on my horizon.  Again the family would be on the road but this time I was also to stay behind to house sit for a friend.  A friend who would not notice if I invited a certain "other" friend over the help take care of the dogs.

And so this week's double feature was really more of the same but is that really ever a tragedy in these cases?  Gliding along the river under the moon with Sandee was a surrealistic impressionistic experience.

"Two drifters off to see the world.  There's such a lot of world to see.  We're after that same rainbow's end, waitign, 'round the bend.  My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me."

And now here is another song about that silly moon.

Friday, August 16, 2013

FFF - Obligation

Stop screwing around and get over to Adz Blog and Go FFF yourself! 
The girl speaking...... 
You know a lot of times it really wasn't that bad.  Often the guys were kind of cute and sometimes even sweet; they just wanted to feel important and fantastic.  They were under no obligation but for that self actualization they were willing to provide a significant return.
Oh wait, it's not what you think.  Yeah, I was a girl working it but I was not a working girl.  It was a choice really.  And looking back a good one.
You know my sis did all the right things getting her degree from NYU.  She was going to be an Arbitrageur but now she just does re-fi's for rich suburbanites in Stamford.
Me, I was just trying to make ends meet in this new "yellow color" career in dispensing coffee futures, that's a Wall Street term for barista!  :)
But at those late night Black Tie exclusive exotic sex parties some of those guys said things like...
"I'm not sure about this dot com thing, the PE Ratios don't support the growth in share price.  I'd rather be sitting with the company that sets the technology rather than simply uses it.  I'm putting my money into Cisco."
"Mark my words it will be a volatile ride but invest in China and the Indian Subcontinent, the third world will be the first world one day."
"Mitt's right, I think people can affect their bottom line with office supplies."
"Invest in health and wellness, it will be the new aristocracy.  Whole Foods and WellPoint may be in different market sectors but they achieve the same end."
"News, scores, and all human knowledge at the click of a button?  Someone aught to be able to turn a buck on that, I'm moving some money into Yahoo!"

Yeah, back in the mid-90's I was pouring $4 cups of Starbucks, but after trading a bit of passion for some good stock tips I had a $4 million stock portfolio and a corner office overlooking the Manhattan Skyline!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - You're the Lucky One

Blogging can be a joy and a pain.  At no time was this more true than as I wrote this series of posts revisiting my adventures.  It was, though, a true labor of love.  And yet as with most love the desire to make it right created angst.  In the end I looked back with happiness and yet felt drained.  In some sense these posts (and to be fair a November Kat Blog Chain post) were my last hurrahs as I've never really had the same feeling of being enamored with the blog over the past year.  Perhaps that is what love is; a tidal wave that tests all your strength, overtakes your body and soul as it electrifies your extremities, and then leaves you stranded, exhausted, and washed ashore wondering what awesome physical beauty just swept you away and blew right through you.

I have to say I really enjoyed re-reading these posts.  About a year before this post I wrote a new ending to a Disney Fairly Tale and brought Ashley Madison into the equation in a naughty little way. I always wanted to do another Ashley Madison Fairly Tale. And then one day I came upon this article about another Ryan from that movie Up in the Air. The article talked about a "fairy tale'esque" transformation of this Ryan character. The article haunted me for some time and eventually I wanted to tell my story in fairy tale form. As I started to think about it I did feel a little like the Velveteen Rabbit and recently I had read the Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane to my daughters. This would be perfect.  These stories and mine were transformational as a somewhat ordinary character evolves along an extraordinary journey of self-discovery but not without trepidation.  For my own good I wanted to tell of the simultaneous joy and pain of discovering oneself and discovering how to feel and yet the immediate alarm that perhaps it's now too late to share that discovery with the person you've traveled through life with but have so unfortunately kept at arms length emotionally.

Later I came across that Alisson Krauss song "You're the Lucky One" which provided a perfect soundtrack to my tale. I enjoyed weaving the concepts of the Velveteen Rabbit, Edward Tulane, You're the Lucky One, and perhaps even a bit of Alice in Wonderland into my tale (I enjoyed writing out "Ryan'ness" much like Alice's "muchness").  The song "You're the Lucky One" provided such a melancholy paradox to this tale.  For so long many who looked at me would have said I was in fact "the lucky one." One chosen for a distinguished career and lovely wife.  And then fate, as if a tidal wave, tore through me.  In the end I did feel washed ashore and in moments of solitude (as with Edward) perhaps discovered what love is or should be.

As the old doll tells Edward, "open your heart, someone will come.  Someone will come for you but first you must open your heart."

Then again there was the hobo who said to Edward "perhaps you would like to be lost with us.  I have found it much more agreeable to be lost in the company of others."  I think that dude did marketing for Ashley Madison!

Anyway, here you go.... "The Miraculous Journey of Ryan Beaumont"

Here is the original Part I
Here is part II
Here is part III
Here is part IV

Ryan's Repeat
from August 16th, 2012.....

Shamelessly borrowed from the story The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo.

Chapter 1 - I'd Say Your Lucky 'cause I Know What You've Done

Once in a house off Broad Street there lived a young husband named Ryan Beaumont. Ryan was very pleased with himself and for good reason; his career was to lead him to great things in life but more importantly he belonged to a beautiful wife named Shannon who adored him completely.

Each night Shannon would tell Ryan she loved him before they went to bed. Of course Ryan would say "me too." But Ryan couldn't really say it because he could not feel.

While Ryan was a considerate husband but he was made almost entirely of work. He would smile but mostly at the end of the week when his profits were made. He dressed smartly but mostly to look good for his clients and colleagues. He had a good personality because he was always trying to impress someone. In fact in all Ryan was full of ennui, as long as it related to his career.

Ryan was a tall husband measuring 6 feet even and still had some of the "swimmer's body" left from before he was a husband. In all Ryan counted himself as an exceptional specimen. He liked things a certain way, quiet and efficient; he didn't like to think of unpleasant thoughts.

Shannon was a jewel who in Ryan's eyes deserved to be on a pedestal. She had long fiery flowing Auburn hair and stormy blue-grey eyes. Her eyes were as the ocean who's sparkle could yield a beautiful tranquility yet turn to a terrible storm in an instance. She adored Ryan but was impetuous and jealous and prone to throw tantrums. Each morning after she dressed herself for school she would leave Ryan with a kiss. But when she returned and Ryan was otherwise engaged in his ascent up his career ladder she would cry with great lament.

"Oh Ryan, I said when the big hand was on the 7 I would be home for you," she would say as she often burst into tears "you disappoint me."

Ryan would say nothing . He said nothing because he could not speak with feeling of course. He was a career husband and needed to accomplish great things before he could settle down to being a home husband. Though Shannon had been attracted to Ryan's aspirations now she thought perhaps a home husband would do her quite well.

At times at night Ryan would look up at the stars as he lay next to Shannon. He would wonder which great opportunity would be his. Will his opportunity be this year or next.

And in this manner Ryan's days passed from one to another.

Oh there were little bits of drama from time to time. Once he and Shannon went to a great festival in New Orleans town. Ryan loved seeing Shannon dance to the energetic zydeco jigs along Bourbon Street and yet he always had an eye on people he might meet whilst in the city. On another occasion Ryan's company asked that he help at another location that needed his particular expertise. Ryan was very pleased with himself and so was Shannon.

Once another pretty girl started paying attention to Ryan. She thought him special as well. Ryan knew she thought him pretty and enjoyed the appreciation. Even though Ryan wanted to belong to Shannon he surely enjoyed the attention. Shannon was dismayed at Ryan's passive tolerance and underlying giddyness over the whole affair. Shannon had been nothing but good to Ryan and didn't feel she deserved this. But this too passed and Ryan remained faithful to his Shannon.

But he did not treasure her above his own glory.

One night Shannon told Ryan the story of the vain prince.

"Once there was a handsome prince but it made no difference because he cared for no one and so he could not love even though there were those who loved him.

One day the prince was asked to marry the daughter of another king. He had known this princess as children and she adored him completely. On the day of the wedding the prince was proud, he looked so galant in his wedding suit. The princess was radient in her beauty and her love for the prince. As the couple finished their vows the prince put the ring on his brides hand, she cried with joy as she said 'I love you with all my heart.' The prince said nothing. When his bride moved to put the finger on his hand he took the ring from her and studied it. He pondered his surrounding for a moment and then he swallowed the ring and stated 'this is what I think of love.'

The prince ran from the gathering. This is boring he thought, he was restless for gallant activities so into the woods he ran. But soon he was lost. Soon he was cold and hungry. He came upon a small little hut. He knocked on the door. He heard a voice 'enter if you must.' The prince entered and found an old wrinkled lady craggly and broken in general appearance. She sat at a table counting gold pieces one after another with no interest in the beautiful man that now stood in front of her. The prince, confused that this woman was not delighted at his presence, said 'I am hungry.' The lady said 'it is of no consequence to me' and she continued counting.

'But I am a beautiful prince and my father the king, help me or there will be consequences,' he said.

'Consequences' is all the woman said in a confused reply. The prince was confused as well now and pressed again for food.

The old woman then jumped to her feet and approached the prince and in an alarmed voice stated 'you dare talk to me of consequences, very well then we will speak of consequences; tell me the name of the one you love. Quickly now, I don't have all day!'

The prince stammered and finally said 'love, why speak of love; I love no one.'

'You disappoint me,' the old woman said and she raised her hand and said 'riffdoggery!'

And at once the beautiful prince was changed into a warthog.

'What have you done with me,' the prince exclaimed as he ran out of the old woman's door. Just then the horns of the Royal Guard blared in the distance. The prince ran to them. Unfortunately the Royal Guard now did not see a Royal Prince but a Royal Meal and they shot him at once.

Now inside the Royal Kitchen the Head Cook prepared the hog for the King's table. But upon opening the belly of the great hog he found a ring.

The End

"The end,"
Ryan said confused. Shannon said "yes, the end." Ryan still confused said "but there was no happy ending." Shannon replied "you disappoint me Ryan, how can there be a happy ending with no love!" "Ryan" she said, "one day you will have consequences, I hope you will be prepared."

While the story sent a shiver up Ryan's spine he did not linger on it long. Life did move on for Ryan and Shannon. They left there little house off Broad Street to another back on the east coast. It was a lovely little house along a beautiful glistening river and Shannon did love it so. On summer days Ryan would splash in the river as Shannon sat adoring him on the sandy banks. But once again work was not glorious enough for Ryan, he sought greater kingdoms and again a smitten company sought his attention.

He asked Shannon to move again. Regretfully, she did.

But she said "Ryan you disappoint me..."

Ryan did not linger on the thought. Shannon would not be disappointed when he had acquired all the acclaim that was to be his. When he was on his pedestal there would be plenty of room for her and finally he could place her on her pedestal. And so they moved again.

But this time Ryan's career was not the next great opportunity. In fact this next opportunity was in fact much like that old woman's hut from the story Shannon had told him, an evil trap. Ryan struggled; he did not succeed this time. Soon, nobody was interested in him any more. Soon people did not bow to his wit and ingenuity. Soon, they thought he was just another pompous lazy husband who did not deserve the high place life had put him. Soon it appeared consequences would in fact find Ryan Beaumont.

And then it was one day fate asked of him "how does a young husband die?"

Of course he did not die in body for fate had a great storm in mind for him.

One day a smart woman from Ryan's company came to Ryan and said "you have been a bad worker others above me shall consider your actions." Ryan considered his fate and decided perhaps this kingdom was no longer a good kingdom, perhaps he should seek greener pastures, and QUICK!

As if that was not enough of an insult Shannon was now not so enamored with Ryan and in fact Ryan was not exactly a young husband anymore anyway. Shannon had met another husband named Brent who did put her on his pedestal and told her how lovely and smart she was. Next to Brent, Ryan was now an old, frumpy, used up husband of no consequence. Shannon told Ryan that she did not need him anymore.

Ryan was sad. Because he was sad Ryan began to run. He did not stop running until he returned to a place that was near to his beginning, way back before he was even a young husband.

The people of this new place did not know of Ryan's past exploits both great and vain. They thought Ryan smart enough and asked him to stay. Even though Ryan did not feel glorious anymore he did decide to join them.

Ryan begged Shannon to come to him one more time. Reluctantly she agreed but this time her heart was not in it. Ryan braced for Shannon to say "you disappoint me." But alas, Shannon lacked even the strength to say that to Ryan anymore. She moved back to Ryan but her heart remained with Brent.

to be continued.....

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Ryan's Repeat - All I Really Want is Girls

This is a test of the male ego alert system.......
If this was a real emergency involving a drunk dude hitting on you at a bar, you would have been alerted where to seek shelter.....
This is only a test.....

What I always wanted to accomplish in this blog was to give a true life, real world look into the sordid, tattered, warped world of the male mind.  In all it's base egoistic Id based needs I felt the male mind needed to be unearthed and presented to the females of the world in an unsanitized way.  Think of it like that scene in Jurassic Park when the scientist reaches into the Dinosaur poop.  Pretty gross but it had to be done!
Or better yet to read those grocery store aisle magazines you would think men are like that obelisk in 2001 A Space Odessey, something to be feared, marveled, and gingerly inspected.

If it ain't pizza or pussy I ain't in'ersted!
And so when you are at the grocery store you pick up that Red Book to learn the "10 Things Your Man Wants."  Problem is there ain't 10 things we want! 
Red Book don't kid yourself, we are not that complex; after sex, food, and sports there is a tremedous exponential drop off in marginal returns on male wants #4-10.  I don't even think I can name #4, 5, and 6 for me and I've been thinking about this post for a week!  World Peace, take a nap, a clean safe neighborhood, that hot early 30-something blond MILF that walks her dog in that tight tennis dress every night around 7 pm,...  Wait, see, even when I try to think of a top 10 I get to well, you know what!  :)
Yeah we are definitely more like those apes than that obelisk!

I think this post in many ways best represents the way us guys think (or not think).  Let's be real!

As they say "it is what it is" so "don't kill the messenger!"   :)

Ryan's Repeat
from August 30th, 2011.....

If I truly represent Gen X I had to eventually quote some Beastie Boys!

Do you remember way back when you got an allowance or maybe your granddad gave you a dollar just because. Of course then you went straight to the store to get a candy bar. And let’s just say in this analogy that the candy bar was $0.75 (remember, I’m pretty old now). Now, what did you do with that other $0.25 (we’re factoring out taxes right now)? Save it right?


Of course you walked around the store to find something that was exactly $0.25 even if it was some pack of cheapy gum; you were not going to walk out of that store with a single penny if your life friggin’ depended on it. Yep that’s right, human (dog) nature!

So what does that have to do with me? As we were venturing into winter everything was great right! Well, of course, but that never stopped a guy from doing something he shouldn’t.

Well, my little problem was that figuratively I had another quarter in my Ashley Madison pocket (or rather about 40 credits). I had been a very good boy for a few months, hiding my profile – not even thinking about it. But on one Saturday when I was at work and had too much idle time that quarter woke up and started burning a hole in my pocket.

Well what’s a guy to do? It won’t harm anything to take a quick peak – you don’t even need to unhide your profile on AM to do that. I had been getting those e-mails from AM telling me about new ladies in the area but had simply been ignoring since things were so good with Sandra – who needed it. So I faced that moral dilemma and as with the kid in the candy store I think you know what side wins!

So I took just a quick peak at the new ladies in the area. Some very interesting ladies just happened have signed up recently including LonelyNDC, Needmorenow, Channel, SexyNtheCity, Wouldliketochat…. Well Wouldliketochat wasn’t really – what kind of name is that, who want’s to do just that? Not me of course!

And then I saw her. Her photo just jumped out at me. Long vibrant wavy Auburn hair down to the middle of her back with lovely shoulders exposed from a sleeveless sundress. Yes, SexyLady was worth reading about and she was online at that very moment! So I printed off her profile so I could draft a witty note highlighting all of her interests and meshing them with mine.

Among other things she was looking for tall, dark, and handsome; witty; a bad boy; a boy next door (I love it when a lady does that), etc.

So a lot of good info and a lot of my old stuff I can draw from. So among other things I say.

Dear Ms Beautiful Auburn Hair,
“I’m 6’ and 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I think I qualify for tall, dark, and handsome or at least I am for most of the summer. Bad boy and boy next door, do you have a split personality? Well good because I am a bad boy next door! As for intelligence I do have an MBa and a Minor in English from ******** **** which of course makes me brilliant! Unless you are a fan of *** then, well… I do know how to read. Oh – and I’m a sucker for long beautiful Auburn hair!”

And of course I did all the bullet pointed Riff Dog type stuff.

Oh, yes I guess I did send some notes out to Chanel, Needmorenow, and Lonely as well, but I’ll have to get to those later.   :)

So about 30 minutes later I get a message back from Sexy Lady.

“like your note, you made me laugh but I deleted it by mistake can you write again?”

So of course I said, screw this and left for the day. NOT!

I wrote back…

“OMG, I put my soul into that note and you know you can’t just cut and paste in this cruddy AM editor! But hey, what’s $4 among friends, so here you go. It’s good I took typing in middle school although I think I just told you how old I am J

A bit daring but I think witty.

She shot back. “Thanks I would rather have you save your money to buy me a dirty martini. Btw, I like your school but I’m not into American football. I’m more of a rugby fan.”

Hmmm….now who around here says American football and likes rugby? Oh boy, I think I have a Brit on the line here! Thank you, thank you AM! And I like the Dirty Martini idea!

So I write back. “Yes us old guys know how to type and that is why we’re so good with our hands! Those young guys are all thumbs with the texting J Don’t like American football, am I sensing someone from a far away island nation?”

She writes back and says “I am not from here but not from England either, think way south.”

Oh Crikey, I think she’s an Aussie! TABA NABA! So I ask her if she is from a land down under and ask if we can segue over to e-mail.

The answer is yes and yes among other things and she gives me her e-mail and signs off,
xoxo, Keeley.

“I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

“I like girls!”

Author’s Note: I have a real thing for English accents. In fact there are a few lady bloggers who whenever I read them for some reason I hear them with an English accent – I guess it’s just a weird fetish! Of course, I still love a good Southern Belle’s accent as well and I probably could even go for Fran Dresher’s Jersey accent if she was saying “hahdah Ryan hahdah, hahdah!” Well, I guess I like any type of accent on a hot lady!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Yeah I Think You're Cute but I Really Think You Should Know, I Just Came to Say Hello

Ashley Madison to You

I have to admit I've been stressing out over this post for several months.  But I realized something just last week - titles really do matter!

You see when I first conceived of this post (and project) I was going to use a lyric from the Who song "Who are You."  It seemed so deep that it would just have to fit.  What can be deeper than considering the universe and contemplating "Who are you?"  I imagined myself the Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland smoking my pipe and sounding all intellectual.  But then I considered the content of this project and all of a sudden the Who with their powerful sound and bulging groins seemed to push the content of this project from fun to creepy in my mind.  I try to never do creepy, I like to stick with fun.

Then, as I often do after dinner, I was watching "Good Luck Charlie" with my girls and at a commercial break Disney showed one of those "Re-Mics" where they take a song and add old Disney animation.  This night they "re-Micked" that song "I Just Came to Say Hello" by Martin Solveig et Dragonette.  I thought to myself what could be more innocent than just coming by to say "hello?"

And so that is what I am doing today - "I just came to say hello!"   You can be the judge if I'm being stalker'ish or just being silly.

So I've been thinking real hard about new crazy schemes to take up time between actual posts about real life things I'm doing.  It's when I'm thinking that I'm most dangerous.

I will continue to occasionally write about my current endeavores but it always (for me) seems more fun to have some other scientific projects going on at the same time.  I even think I still have some Shannon stories in me yet but those can wait.  For now I have a project I have been mulling over for several months and I have to get it off my chest so to speak.

You know everywhere you go it seems like everyone wants something "interactive."  You can't just go to a museum and look at old dead shit you have to be able to smell and taste the old shit to feel like you got your money's worth.  At Disney they even have games to play as you wait 1 hour for that Space Mountain ride or Soarin.'  If you are watching Game of Thrones you have to be able to go online and play Game of Thrones or go to Mr. Skin and see a re-cap of the best nuddie scenes of the week.  Bottom line is reading it isn't good enough!  If you read it you have to be able to play it or watch it.  If you watch it you have to be able to taste it or touch it.  If you touch it... Hey wait I better stop I'll start going past boundaries!

Anyway, here is my entry into the "interactive" market.  I want to do something for you my dear readers.  I want to bring the "Ryan experience" to you in a fun and non-evasive interactive way.  What the hell does that mean you say?

It means I have re-created myself on Ashley Madison and I am giving you the opportunity to wink at me to see how infantile a guy can be on this crazy site.  Now of course I not going to tell you how to find the real Ryan, that might not be too smart.

So I have created NotForest who lives in Bayou la Batre, Alabama.  He is just out there waitin' for you ladies so go wink at him!

I bequeathed to him 60 Ash Mad credits so if you wink he'll write back.  I consider this charity or perhaps Pro Bono work for after you see my standard intro letter those guys in your neighborhood might not seem so dull!   :)

But seriously I think this could be fun, kind of like a Pros vs. the Joe's; me being a Joe.  Send Not Forest a wink and I'll write you my best letter possible given your profile.  I just looked him up (in "search by profile nickname") on my secret Shannon (female) profile.  Wait, did I say I have a secret female profile?  Hmm..., I wonder if that will produce a post down the road. 

Anyway, if you don't want me to see your real profile just make one up; they're free you know.  We can chalk this up to a Sociological experiment as we try to derive the best Ashley Madison correspondence.  Well I guess I might be the control group or placebo but hopefully you'll at least get to see first hand what Alecia, Sandra, Keeley, Sandee, and all those lovely e-Mail Queens got to see (even Clare got to see the Ryan form).

And Here's Ryan - or rather "NotForest"!

Last Login: Online Now
"Guys are like a box of chocolates!"
Age: 42 (Capricorn)
Location: Bayou La Batre, Alabama, United States
Height: 6'0" (183cm)
Weight: 175 lbs (79kg) - Slim
Languages Spoken: English
My Limits are: Whatever Excites Me
Status: Attached Male seeking Females
Gender: Male
Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)
Smoking Habits: Never

Preferences and encounters I am open to:
Conventional Sex, Gentleness, Good with Your Hands, Sensual Massage, Extended Foreplay/Teasing, Likes to Go Slow, Kissing
I am a very emotional person. In fact I once ran across the country because a cute girl wouldn't marry me, even after I bought a shrimp company to impress her.

The dragon in my photo represents my supreme sexual aura. Oh wait, I think that one was taken outside of Lego Land at Disney, maybe it represents my playfulness! Oh well.

I thought about using "your guy du jour" for my greeting but went with chocolate because women like chocolate right?

Regardless I do love to cook for or with someone special. My motto is always "just to satisfy you." There I go again quoting country lyrics!

I like smart women who know what they want. For me, I'm simple - l'll take a Dr. Pepper and some ping pong.

What really turns me on:
A Professional/Well Groomed, Stylish/Classy, Petite Figure, Long Hair, Sense of Humor, Relaxed and Easy Going, Hopeless Romantic, Confidence, Not Possessive, Average Sex Drive

Who are we kidding aren't we all just looking for someone with good personal hygiene and disease free! But I love music, after you see me I want you to be singing that song "some of your time is like one glass of water, just leaves me thirsty for wine..." But don't worry when I saw you in the restaurant I "could tell you were no debutant." So let's just take it easy and enjoy an enchanting alternative place just for us because I "hope you won't see me in my ragged company..."

What I am looking for:
Travel, Picnics, Fine Dining/Candle Lit Dinners, Cooking/Barbequing, Music Lover, Dancing, Politics, Watching Sports, Playing Sports, Physical Fitness, Boating, The Outdoors/Nature, Romantic Walks, Wine Tasting, I Am a Social Drinker

Where is the check mark for "raging alcoholic?" Just kidding but "cottage country?" Really? Well I do want Dreamland for my final meal maybe that serves as cottage country! :) I also don't see "blogging" as an option. Since I can't tell my wife or therapist about all this I certainly want to blog about it! I am a disciple of Riff Dog after all!

Member Feedback: about member feedback[?]

gives good chat

pursues fantasies

worth the time

better in person

hot to trot


better over time

keeps promises