Wednesday, January 26, 2011

You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals So Let’s Do Like they Do on the Discovery Channel

The gym I go to has XM Radio piped in throughout.  In the morning they play 60’s/70’s Classic Rock with a splash of 80’s for us old geezers!  In the evening it’s more contemporary for the younger clientele. I really only work out in the morning occasionally, generally when I have something going on at night.  I also really enjoy watching the back and forth evening tennis match between MSNBC and Fox on the big screens in front of the stair masters.  And there does tend to be a group of cheerleaders from the local college that work out most nights around 6 pm.  Maybe that’s actually why I like working out at night?  At any rate, the other night while working out and watching Chris Mathews (and the cheerleaders) I heard the above song from the Bloodhound Gang and had an epiphany and mentally wrote the story below – tell me what you think of the idea!

Have you heard about this new movie (Hall Pass), what a great idea!

“A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.”


That’s me on the left of course; you can probably see the resemblance to Owen Wilson J Although I think I would find it fairly easy to stay faithful to Christina Applegate!  Ashley Madison should definitely get out ahead of this and get some sponsorship here!

So I have thought of how to combine Ashley Madison and this movie.  You see, Ashley Madison has been so educational for me that I believe it could help in other areas such as my marriage.

How could a cheating website help your marriage, you must be insane!

You see sex for me and Shannon has been on the “down low” for many years.  And to be fair I am more than responsible for that.  Among other things let’s just say that for most of my life I have not exactly been an advocate for oral sex and that has been an issue in our marriage.  But then along came AM and my attitudes have mystically evolved!

First, to explain I have to digress as I often do.  My first sexual experience (freshman in college) was less than satisfying.  I went to college in the same town I grew up.  One weekend my parents were out of town and I was house-sitting as good sons do!  Of course I thought it would be nice to have some friends over.  So some of my high school friends who also went to Hometown State U came over.  One of my female friends from high school brought some of her new friends from her dorm.  I had met one of the friends, Susan, before so we began talking.  She was an interesting person but not particularly attractive to me.  We all drank at my house for awile and then went out to a bar to dance and drink more.  While dancing I noted Susan seemed to be staying close to me.  A slow song came on and we danced and she started sucking my neck.   Hmmm…

Well to make a long story a bit shorter I woke up some hours later in bed at home with Susan giving me a blow job.  Now, I am the ultimate nice guy and since Susan had done this wonderful thing for me I felt obligated to go out with her for some acceptable length of time.  At the time I didn’t know the required relationship time for a blow job but we went out for a few weeks.  Anyway that first experience sort of turned me off of oral sex (both ways for many years).

Now let’s flash forward to 2010 and Ryan is seeking new female relationships through Ashley Madison.  Now one thing I have learned, though not through much practice, is that ladies like oral sex.  So as I begin to meet ladies and as I prepare for that first meeting with Alecia I resolve to be a good oral care giver!  So, being the sports nut, I break down some oral sex game film via soft core porn on Showtime (hey Howard Stern said he does the same thing on Piers Morgan the other night).  I also read Riff Dog’s blog and begin to see in my mind how to best apply this skill to a lucky lady.

Lo and behold on my first time out of the gate I strike gold and am successful, note previous blog where Alecia does orgasm when receiving oral sex from me.  And better yet, I enjoy it!

OK, so how does any of this apply to the movie I mentioned at the top of this blog entry and how it could help a lust-less marriage.  So I am envisioning a dialogue between me and Shannon and it goes like this:

ME:                         Hey Shannon, I have really been thinking and I know you like oral sex and I want to please you, so how about you let me try!

SHANNON:          No way Ryan, you know it would just be too weird now and when a guy doesn’t know what he is doing down there it just tickles and that is a BIG turn off!

ME:                         Shannon, you don’t understand – I have been practicing, and I know I can be good for you!

SHANNON:          What do you mean by practicing!  Don’t tell me you….

ME:                         No no no no, Shannon, it’s not what you think!  I mean, I know we live out in the country but I would never do that to a sheep!

SHANNON:          Oh, OK – I feel better now… sigh.

ME:                         Actually, I have joined this training program created by a website called Ashley Madison and I have graduated from the oral sex program.  See I have a certificate and a seal of approval by their top teacher – Alecia.

SHANNON:          Wow, that’s great, this could be a big turn for us!  Let’s see what you can do!  J

Now doesn’t that sound like a great service!

3 comments:

Doug said...

Liking your blog, but confused on the story with you and your wife. Has it really been more than 3 years since you had sex? If so, how does she defend this? And if true, why are you still around?

At the very least, have you thought about just boldly announcing that if she's not going to provide you're just openly going to elsewhere?

Not being judgmental, just wondering what your motivation for staying in the marriage and pretending to be faithful is?

Krissy Lee said...

Why can you not just have a heart-to-heart with your wife, tell her that you miss sex and intimacy and what you guys once had and ask her to try again? I think if you make it more about missing the intimacy and not all about sex, you have a pretty good shot. And/or tell her you just can't survive without sex. It's a basic psychological need.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Hey Doug/Krissy,

Thanks for the comments, I definitely hear what your saying. I think the outside impressions do help refine my perspective on my situation.

Of course every life and every marriage is different so I would never say what I do is right for anyone else. I guess the bottom line is that in the world of 2011 2 incomes go a lot farther when you have mortgages, kids, vacations, etc so we end up accepting a lot we never thought we would.

But also understand this blog is for fun and is often toungue and cheeky.

But again, thanks!