You're Dixie's Football Pride; Shake Down the Thunder from the Sky

Ryan's Best Bowl Game Analysis

Those lyrics are a combination of Alabama's and Notre Dame's fight song lyrics.  They are playing for the title so I thought they deserved the glory.  OK I'm going to try this again.  I failed miserably last year (see my thoughts) and my results.

What the hell am I talking about? I'm talking about college football, my favorite sport and handicapping the games based on which school has the best college girls, or cheerleaders, or any other analysis other than the usual "x's and o's."

Here goes...

Orange Bowl (Jan 1):  Florida State vs. Northern Illinois

"Cowgirls vs Girls Who Work with Cows"

FSU's famous "Cow Girls"

Florida State has been a football power for the last 30 years.  But it's important to remember that it mostly grew out of the Florida State College for Women.  After WWII it started adding men due to the influx of GI's.  Soon after they began playing football.  By the 1980's they had gottten pretty damn good at football due to a guy named Bowden and they had evolved from FSCW to FSUFHC (Florida State University for Hot Chicks) as we see depicted to the right.

Northern Illinois University is located in DeKalb, a flat place awash in corn.

I see no contest here.  The mental image of half naked tanned cowgirls is much more pleasing than the image of women actual working with cows on some farm in Central Illinois.  FSU in a blowout here 34-17.

Rose (Jan 1):  Stanford vs. Wisconsin

"Bridesmaids vs Brains"

You know my football inclination says Stanford.  They are always a stong team and I like teams that are successful in a pro-style system.  They took Notre Dame to the wire and beat USC and Oregon (on the road).  Even though they are known for smart chicks, they actually do have a pretty hot student body.

Makin' the Midwest Sexy!

Wisconsin?  Well historically you'd of just thunk cheese.  But then a little movie called Bridesmaids came out and turned our vision of Milwaukee from Lavern and Shirley to crazy women getting drunk a relieving themselves into the city storm drain.

I say it's a pick 'em.  But then I've got a real hard on for Kristen Wiig.  I'd definitely "do" her and she'd make me laugh while we were "doing it."  But remember UW is actually in Madison and Kristen does not actually live in Milwaukee (that was just her character).

Surprisingly on Athlon's "Hottest Fans" Wisconsin comes up......

Although the Badgers often come up big in the Rose Bowl, they have Barry Alverez coming back to coach the big game, and they hung 70 on the Huskers I have to stick with Stanford in a high scoring affair.  That means a lot of touchdowns not screwing drunk chicks from Milwaukee or smart chicks from the Silicon Valley!

However, Jennifer Connelly attended Stanford and she is my all-time favorite celebrity crush.  So even though she dropped out I'm taking Stanford (Reese Witherspoon apparently dropped out of Stanford as well).  I'm not holding it against them though!

Stanford wins 48-42

Sugar (Jan 2):  Florida vs. Louisville

You are thinking Florida vs. Louisville of course Ryan will pick the Gators.  But as my friend Lee Corso (who happened to coach at Louisville) would say "not so fast my friend!"  Florida is the #4 "Hottest Student Body" according to Popcrunch.com so you'd think this would be a beat down.  But surprisingly Louisville comes in #44 in the Top 50.  And if you have been to Gainsville, FL you'll know that it is really more Georgia than Florida.

Thing is, Georgia girls are pretty damn hot too!

So you may say didn't Tim Tebow play for Florida - he really SUCKS!  And you'd be right but have you seen his girlfriend?  WOW!

Anyway, I never pick against the SEC in anything so I'll go with the Gators.

Florida over the Cards 27-14



Fiesta (Jan 3):  Kansas State vs. Oregon

In case you didn't know Nike was the smokin' HOT Goddess of personal victory.  Now you might wonder what does that have to do with anything.  Well if you follow the minutia of athletics like me you know that Oregon for all practical purposes (in athletics) is really Nike State University (owing it's facilities and many gaudy uniforms to the vast wealth of Nike founder and former Oregon track coach Phil Knight).

I like Kansas State, I really do.  They play disciplined football and to give you a glimpse into the real geek behind Ryan I read a recent article that K State was the most efficient program in NCAA DI on a win per investment basis.

But I'm not picking stocks today and have you seen Oregon's cheerleaders?  DAMN!

Ducks over Wildcats 42-38


BCS Championship (Jan 7):  Notre Dame vs. Alabama

Dixie Chicks and Ribs vs. Lake Michigan

Are you f'in kidding?  Tuscaloosa is the home of Dreamland and some pretty hot looking women!  Did you see any hot chicks in that movie Rudi?  I didn't think so.

Tide does some ass-kickin' and some rib eatin'!

'Bama 27 Notre Dame 13

The Sweat Tea alone gets me!

And one more!


You know all that football watchin' is great but you've got to do something in between those plays and during timeouts.  So if you want to have the best "non-game" action with some super fine "eye candy" you might want to check out what I'll call the Hot Chick Bowl.  Yes I believe there are 36 college bowl games now.  Many feature very forgettable line-ups such as Air Force vs Rice.  Bad teams and not much side line action.  Many games may not feature high scoring but are not of national prominence such as Tulsa vs. Iowa State.

But if you want to get the maximum "eye candy" exposure I would go down to Atlanta and catch that Chick-fil-A bowl.  The food should be good and those LSU and Clemson chicks combine for the best sideline action of all the bowls.

I take LSU and a touchdown and two of those Golden Girls and bowl of Gumbo!  :)

Hey I noticed that on PopCrunch's Hot Student Bodies 6 of the top 10 were from the SEC.  I always say Southern Girls are the best!

Ryan's Repeats - Nothing Entangled or Twisted and Wrenched

This theme I have with lyrics has taken on a life.  Usually I start thinking about a post about a month ahead of actually writing it.  Inevitably I hear a song at some point before I publish it that just hits me as the "it" lyrics for a title.  I hear a lot of stuff on XM Radio's First Wave, particularly on Richard Blade's shows.  He plays some obsure stuff occasionally that I like to use.  Other times I just hear a song and put it on my mental list to do a post around it.

Every once in awhile I do plan a post and get it written and I just have not heard something that has spoken to me as a title for it.  That kind of happened here.  I knew I wanted to do a comparison post between Ashley Madison and Plenty of Fish.  No lyrics were coming to me but I did remember that hippie band Phish and wanted some kind of link.  I had to go through their YouTube vidoes and finally came up with this.  I think the main thing that moved me was the South Park connection (see below).  God I used to love that show - "OMG they killed Kenny with that crunchy groove!"  :)

Obviously I've written mostly about Ashley Madison but I have had a little experience on POF, AFF, and here is what I wrote about from a experience I had on Married but Playing.  For the most part I have not had any negative experiences with all this.  I've not really had any negative feedback on blogging either which is somewhat of a shock to me.  Perhaps people read my thoughts and have pity rather than anger.

Anywho - here are my thoughts on POF vs. AM...


Ryan's Repeats:

from December 19, 2011....
I am sure it comes as no surprise that I am not exactly the world's most spiritual person. And I don't mean religion here. I mean I'm not really a person that looks at crystals or thinks about fate. No, I'm a live and let live kind of guy and as long as my teams are winning and I'm getting laid occasionally that is about all their is in life for me. Bottom line = I'm not too deep! Other than my daughters of course; they are what's most important! But they are perfect so I don't need to worry much about them.

But at times one must ponder deep thoughts. I do like the concept of feng shui (balance). I think it is very important to us folks in this genre. We have chosen to stray but how much straying is acceptable or more importantly good for you (and others)? It was so relaxing after I first met Alisha, thinking I had found somebody and didn't need to log onto AM anymore. Of course she ditched me and then I found Sandra. Again, I felt relaxed knowing I didn't need to "look"anymore. But of course I did and found Keeley. And then when I had found two women I realized that it can be too much. So Keeley and I went our separate ways. Btw, those links above will take you straight to the sex posts (I'm courteous that way).

But of course by then I found I enjoyed the chase! And so after Keeley I continued writing to women on AM. But through the early winter, 2011 most of my encounters were of the e-mail queen variety. Soon, as I got into blogging, I started to become a little bored with AM. And let's face it, the interaction with other bloggers was starting to fulfill some of that feng shui. Through most of spring, 2011 I visited AM very infrequently and was on somewhat of a losing streak; but in truth I was not investing much effort in the process.

And so after three paragraphs I get to my point of the day. As I was anticipating things going downhill with Sandra and I was becoming a little frustrated with AM I decided to take a little detour. Change teams if you will and hoping I don't turn out like a Brett Favre! So I decided to go down the Plenty of Fish path. I had read about other bloggers trying it so I thought I would test my luck. Btw those lyrics above are from that hippie faux Grateful Dead band Phish - I liked the connection.

Today's Point: Plenty of Fish vs Ashley Madison

So on one late July day when I didn't have a whole lot to do I signed up. Navigating through POF, it seemed as if you could accomplish a fair amount of research without putting any money down - that is a good. I also found out that you can actually send a message (more than a wink) without putting any money down - that is a good. And later, I found out that you can get a message back without putting any money down - that is a good. And I even found out that the women on POF seem to be a little more forward as I was getting some nods or winks or whatever it is they do on POF; far more than I had ever gotten on AM and that was good.

And lo and behold even one of my old e-mail queens from AM (Lonely in DC) sent me an unsolicited note! This was looking fairly good! I did renew my e-mail conversation with Lonely for about a week but again she faded away.

I seemed like I had a real good batting average. A lot of women wrote back and wrote a few times but I never could get to the e-mail stage. What I found was that the pool of married but looking was not very deep or at least attractively deep and attractively deep and in my general area. Once you did a detailed search other women would pop up above. Those women always looked vastly more interesting but when you looked at their profile they were invariably not looking for married men.

In the end POF seemed like a lot of wheel spinning. I guess a few dollars would have greased the wheels a bit but again it was a monthly fee. I am very much against a monthly fee because as I have found out it is hell to cancel once you start it. In the end you have to communicate with someone in India or Antarctica to cancel it and it takes several phone calls and it usually doesn't get done the first time around. Since I had been down that path before with other sites I just wasn't in the mood to try with POF.

I also got the feeling that some of the single gals appeared a bit hookerish. I guess I shouldn't be so judgemental but as Chris Rock says "you may not be a hooker but you're sure wearing the uniform!" This one lady I wrote to was wearing a football jersey cut off just below her breasts, had on skin tight shorts, had that "eye black" under her eyes, and was carrying a football. Hot girl + like's football = Ryan Interested. But when I mentioned my normal Nutcracker dancing stuff she replied "tell me about this nutcrackin'" Wow, when I get turned off because of lack of culture it's getting bad!

And so like that Phish song I got Nothing..........

Any thoughts/experiences out there on the pros/cons of POF vs. AM?

But notice I still don't have a link to Ashley Madison so I am still not on their payroll. It's a feng shui thing; once I start taking money for any of this blogging stuff I lose the artsy appeal of it all! :)

And in the end I am a man of my art. Wait Ryan, you started this by saying how shallow you were and now you are trying to tell them how artsy you are - what kind of idiot are you! :)

Anyway, remember how on Friday I was talking about how fast blog time goes. Well, I was just in December, 2010 a few weeks ago in my blog and now I have sped forward to August, 2011 - wow how time flies out here.

I wonder if anything interesting has happened since August????

All I Want for Christmas is You

Merry Christmas!

Trust me I didn't write this today.  I'm enjoying time with my family today of course as I hope you are!

About a year ago when I thought I had run out of ideas for my "Shannon's Story" I decided to go in a different direction.  I conceived of a blog that the character Alex Goran from the movie "Up in the Air" might write.  I really enjoyed it, that post is (here).  If you want more Christmas reading here is my Christmas day fiction post from last year (here).

Unfortunately the Alex post didn't get any comments so I didn't get any of that required positive reinforcement to stroke my ego and I didn't write anymore posts along this line.  But I kept thinking about Alex and the person she might be if she was a real every day person.  I have to say that what I think she would be is my Shannon (let's call her my faux-Shannon).  Actually the other week we were watching Gone with the Wind and Shannon was telling our girls how much she liked the movie.  Privately I was thinking that she likes it so much because she is in fact much like Scarlette O'Hara.  She is a tough and good business woman  (from the South)but perpetually dissatisfied and looking for her Ashley Wilkes who if she actually found him would likely be woefully inept for her liking.  Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Anyway that got me to thinking that Shannon did reminded me of Alex and that I had told myself I would in fact try to create a side (fictional) "Alex" blog and that I may as well start now.  So here it is my 2nd post of (if anything I just like the blog name I came up with)....

Alex's Blog: The Not so Chaste Tale of a Lincoln Park Soccer Mom

"Please Don't Make it RDU for the Holidays!"

Alex's HNT!

Alex writing......

Goddam-it I hate to travel over the holidays.  I understand it takes a little more time to travel with those "little ones" but could you at least try to get organized before the TSA agent tells you what will and won't go through the screener!  Or maybe just get out of the way, I can get through before you can get the change out of your pocket so it won't cost you a thing but it will save me 10 minutes of my fairly busy and (important to me) life.

Sorry for that rant though.  Actually I'm pretty happy today.  Even under the worst conditions sometimes there are miracles to Christmas and often they come in unforseen forms.

In my case my Christmas miracle was Ryan.  I know you don't expect a Christmas miracle from your "fuck buddy," but there you go.

Winter in the south is not like it is up here in Chicago.  Here you get a foot of snow and you deal with it; life goes on.  But down in the Carolinas you get a cold front coming down from Canada mixed with some moisture off the coast and you get this thing called a half inch of ice.  That really doesn't sound like anything to someone who grew up around Lake Michigan.  To us an inch of ice means skating; but to everyone in the RDU Triangle last week it meant the Apocalypse and the whole damn world shut down.

So there I was sitting in RDU at 4 pm on December 23rd waiting for my connection to arrive from MCO to MDW.  But nothing, I mean nothing was coming in or out and the lines were just stacking up of miserable travelers just hoping to get home.

My emotions like-wise were stacking up just like those planes on the tarmac.  As I began to realize not getting home for Christmas was a real possibility I began to weep uncontrollably.

And then an Angel arrived.  He came to me from PVD where I guess they know how to take off in the cold.  I'm not sure why he even texted me.  We had joked about trying to meet for a "quickie" in the RDU American Concierge lounge when we thought we would be two connections passing in the night.  But he got pulled away from RDU and would be flying into CLT instead so I wrote off a meeting.  But then I got this.

"how long is your lay-over, I've got a car and time on my hands until I have to hand out pink slips along with Christmas bonuses to some Fed Ex employees in Charlotte.  I could still make that date for the Conceirge Club.  Or just a drink if you and Mr. Electric had relations last night, you're worth the 2 hour trip either way! R"

Amid my tears I had to giggle, he does make me smile.  It's times like that when you let your guard down.  I had never asked Ryan for anything or even expressed emotions.  To him I was some ice queen who never had a care or a challenge.  But I folded and replied:

"about to break down and that is not something I do on the road.  Stuck at RDU with nothing getting out.  I'll scream if I don't get home tonight.

I waited 5 minutes, 10 minutes.  OK I thought, no sex he thinks; I guess I'll see him after the New Year.  I think we are together at the end of January in IAH or DFW.

And then the miracle happened.

"hey I noticed that the American planes were getting out of here.  The last flight your directon is at 11 pm but will put you in ORD instead.  I took the liberty of using my points to get you on the flight.  How about I drive over, pick you up, bring you back to CLT and get you on that plane.  It's not the Concierge Lounge but you can give me a hand job or just pleasant conversation for my efforts!  R" 

 

All the spa certificates, jewelry, or honey-getaways to the Bahamas have never made me cry as much as that gift Ryan just then offered at that moment.  My head hit my lap and I did weep for a moment until I could collect myself and then I replied.

 

"you are my knight in shining armor.  Not sure I can get my hands underneath that sheet metel but consider me burritoed again if we do get to cross paths next month in DFW.

 

Two hours later I get his text.

 

"Driving up to baggage claim, don't make me wait there is a very tempting Asian lady that looks like she needs a driver."

 

I had to laugh.  I realized fully what he was doing yet I know he won't want to be recognized.  Somewhere inside I think there is a person who actually gives a damn but I don't think he wants anyone to know.  Perhaps I'll never know.

 

For the next two hours we moved cautiously across I-85 to my destination.  We did in fact have that "pleasant conversation" except for the quick drive through dinner we had at Chick-fil-A at the Thomasville exit.  For those of you Yanks up north CFA is a Southern delicacy of deep fried chicken served on a buttered bun with pickels and Sweet Tea.  The best hick food you can get for about $5.

 

But all the conversation and fried poultry helped avoid the odd topic that Ryan had shown me his heart and that I might not be able to look at him the same way anymore.  I think he knew that and was scared.  I was too.

 

A fuck buddy I can wait a month to see, but this?  I don't know.  A guy does this and you start thinking I want to pick the kids up from school with him or sit across the table with as we read the Sunday paper over coffee.  I guess the funny thing is that sometimes around the holidays or around birthdays or anniversaries a gal doesn't want things that glitter, she just wants to feel like she can still be pleasantly and unexpectedly surprised by a guy.

 

By the time he left me at security I found my eyes wet again.  Part of me wanted to drive over with him to the Marriott and try for a plane tomorrow morning.  But the thought of Sacha's dear face tomorrow morning pushed me past that TSA agent.

 

I guess all Christmas miracles are bitter-sweet in a way.  They bring joy, hope, and happiness yet yield the fact that Christmas only comes once a year.  I guess the real hope for the miracle of Christmas is that sometimes we still get pleasantly surprised and maybe one day it will last all year long.

As for last week, I made it to ORD and took the cab home.  Ned was kind enough to offer to drive me to MDW the next day to pick up the car.  The best treat was seeing Sacha's toothless grin the next morning.

As for Ryan he made it back to OMA late on the 24th and took a Regional up to MKE and then onto Appleton.  I think he was making sure he would spend as little time as possible with "the folks" as he says.

And now I'm here writing from Lincoln Park and wondering why I'm missing my "fuck buddy" so much and why late January in DFW can't come quickly enough.

It's the End of the World as We Know It

"and I feel fine..."

Just in case you have not noticed I can be a bit of a dingleberry.  As I was approaching today I noticed that my 300th post would coincide approximately with my 2 year blogoversary and close to the end of the world.  Kind of like a celestial event, an alignment of the planets thus forging a new age and shift in the poles.

There's that ego again.  Hey, I did have about the same topic at my 1st Blogoverary post (here).

Anyway, I was kind of thinking that surely the fact that I have generated 300 posts and had written a blog for two years was a sign of the coming Apocalypse.

Unfortunately NASA has apparently debunked the theory that the world is ending tomorrow.  Apparently tomorrow is the end of a Baktun, which to the Mayans was the end of a time period, kind of like New Year's Eve.  So in that respect I guess the Apocalypse is really just the Mayan hangover after the end of a Baktun party.  Go figure.  But just in case they are wrong I better get some thoughts out now.

I love Funnyordie.com!

Oh wait, the problem is, is that this is not my 300th post!  Here is where the dingleberry comes in.  I tend to write ahead and while this is in fact the 300th post I've written, I have several in the queue so to speak and thus this is only my 292nd published post (an unfortunate technicality).  I was reading the wrong number on my "posts" dashboard.  So in a way it's kind of like that Alanis Morrissette song "Ironic"

"It's like rain on your wedding, it's the 300th post that turns out to be your 292nd the day the world ends.... Isn't it Ironic; don't you think..."

 

Oh well, I guess I'll do like my 200th post (here) and give you my 300th post for the low price of 292!  You'll just have to trust me that I have 8 more posts scheduled.  That is if the world ends, if it doesn't I guess you'll get to read them later this month and next!  Hmm, maybe the world ending doesn't sound so bad now.   :)

 

So anyway what does one do for a theme before the end of the world.  I have thought and thought and honestly I got nothin'.  The only thing I could come up with is a subject I have not written on in some time and that is those crazy searches that lead to one's blog.  Sometimes the searches are so crazy you couldn't make them up.  Here is what I did once before on the topic of search results.

 

 

And so as we talk about celestial convergences, polar re-alignments, and other crazy things that might advance this world to the next age or just simply blow it up, let's talk a little about those crazy thoughts that link us together in this silly little cyber universe.  Or at least the naughty little worlds that link all you folks out there to my little blog and world.

So if you are just joining me I say welcome and my apologies in advance of your reading!  :)

 

 

All Time Top Keyword Searches Leading to Ryan (among others):

 

*     Ashley Madison theme song = 23,246 (this had something to do with Howard Stern a long time ago)

*     Ashley Madison Blog = 456

*     Regular Guy Gone Bad = 329

*     Ashley Madison Adventures  = 291

*     Riff Dog = 143

She is hot!

*     Vera Farminga Hot = 130 (I agree!)

 

Recent Silly Keyword Searches (with my comments):
 

*     Hot mens bathing suits gay ashley madison (hey is someone trying to tell me something here?)

*     Giselle Robert Enchanted erotic

*     Ashley Madison Band a big black cock (hmmm... mine is stout and white I guess they missed the mark)

*     How do I find out who unfriends me on Ashley Madison (hey buddy this is a cheatin' website not f'in Facebook!)
*     Dirty Secrets of Ashley Madison
*     Three Skinny Guys Flexing
*     Cobie Smulders without make-up
*     Ashley Madison Thunder Bay (there are women along the Great Lakes?)

 

Does look good sans make-up

Search Order Rank (from StatCounter):
 

*     Ashley Madison Regular Guy = #1
*     Why are all the men on Ashley Madison Ass Holes = #1 (hmm..., I guess the bling really do lead the blind if I'm #1 here)

*     Ashley and Me Blog = #1

*     Ashely Madison Riff Dog = #3

*     Ashley Madison Blog = #3

*     How to Act on Ashley Madison = #5 (I feel like Kat)
*     Ashley Madison Experiences = #7
*     Kat's Sex Blog = #10 (not sure if I should thank Kat or Kat should thank me)
*     Can any good come from Ashley Madison = #14 (great philosophical question?)

*     Ashley Madison = #21

*     And my favorite:
          Cute brunette wanted to tan a bit but she also wanted to have a wild sex adventure = #8

I really should send out a thank you to my blogging buddies as we always tend to stir the pot for one another.  Riff still leads my all time referring sites list at 6,644 hits though his count is not rising anymore.  Kat is second at 3,442 with Undercontract to My Wife third with 3,017.  So thanks to Kat and Mick.

And actually just in case the world does end tomorrow and I don't want to end on a lie this is actually just my 299th written post.  But who's counting the damn world is ending tomorrow - go out and have a blast!   :)

 



We're All in this Together

It's the Holiday Season which means for us parents the annual school holiday performance.  As affable and polite (remember I'm Southern) as I am on the outside, I can be a bit curmudgeonly in private.  With the curmudgeon in mind I'll say this (this is a blog after all, I can be candid), I frickin' hate them!  Yes, for the most part, your local school performance does not have a future Ashley Tisdale or Vanessa Hudgens performing.

You see I've never really been a "kid person."  Now my kids are gems, mind you.  They are my life, but other people's kids - meh?

Bottom line is, I don't really look forward to these school performances.  As darling as the kids are they sing off key, the chairs are uncomfortable, it's too hot, it's late and I'd rather be at home watching Georgetown play Mount Saint Holy Sacrifice U on ESPN, yada, yada.  But of course I endure.

When my kids were younger it was a bit easier.  They would be first.  They would sing their two little Jingle Bells songs, get off stage, and after getting them in their classroom I could "get the hell out of Dodge" so to speak.  But now that they are older I have to sit through all those "booger eaters" until my kids get on-stage.  Note, parental code talk here:  Ryan's kids = gems, everybody else's kids = booger eaters!  Yes I'm a hypocrite!  But I admit it!   :)

Anyway what is a poor guy to do during all of this.  Well, if you are a scumbag like Ryan you make up for all this time suckage by checking out those hot moms!  Well let's be precise, checking out those hot MILF asses.  Though Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens may not be performing on-stage, someone that might look like their mom might be out in the crowd all "gussied up" for the big program and that is something a guy like me can appreciate.

So I come to my point of the day.  It really came to me in a revelation.  You see my kids go to a private school and so as everyone was saying their "Hail Mary's" I mentally wrote this post about some of the moms of our school.  Really it's a tribute kind of post so I say this with the reverence the environment and topic demand.

"Bullshit Ryan you are just trying to justify looking at women's asses while everyone else was praying; you are a total BS'er and a real tool!"  OK, ok so I'm going to hell; sue me!  :)

Anyway this is a tribute to all those lovely moms.  After all, part of the educational component of this blog is to give you that dark, twisted, warped, screwed-up vision that is the male mind.  I'll categorize them for affect below.

Ryan's Moms of the Holiday Program:

*     Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife:



his wife is hotter than Susan Dey

I feel kind of bad including Mr. Lawyer's wife because I know him; he is a helluva guy and a very good lookin' fella in his own right.  He has blond hair and blue eyes and always dresses well; picture him as Arnold Becker (you know from LA Law).  He wears a totally "*hit eating" perma-grin forged from the many times he must have screwed his trophy wife (so would I).  Mr. Lawyer is the guy you call when you get caught drinking and driving with a hooker and holding a bag of crystal meth.  Yes he is the guy who's smiling face is on that billboard in the bad part of town; you know the one at the intersection of Crack Alley and Pimp Boulevard.

And yes all that has led to his great success.  That and the failure of our state to enact tort reform has surely financed the tits Mr. Lawyer's Wife now proudly wears (and all of us poor guys admire from afar).

Mrs. Lawyer has long blond hair right down to the crux of her nice round ass.  She always has her hair in that slightly slutty sexy kinky style women get when they tie their hair into braids and then let it go free.  Kind of like Glenn Close in fatal attraction or Sarah Jessica to the left, except Mr. Lawyer's wife is way sexier than both.  Damn, I'm turned on just thinking about it.  She drives an Escalade which is also sexy.  She is probably about 5'6" and maybe 118# (at most) although in those "*uck me" pumps she wears she stands more like 5'9".  She has a "GORGEOUS" body.  Thin but curvy hips just slightly smaller in diameter than those loverly tits.  Her stature and her stance accentuate her stunning appearance along with those skinny jeans and skin tight red sweater.  I better move on, I can't think about her any more; it hurts.

*     Ms. Young Hot-for-Teacher:

Hot young teacher is the teacher all the kids love.  She's the energetic one that takes the time after school to get involved in leading the play.  She is walking around with great enthusiasm and purpose before the program getting all the sound and lighting just right.  At least I think that is what she is doing.  I am really just looking at that young round 20-something ass in those skin tight black slacks that almost appear as those sexy yoga pants.  Her white dress blouse is open three buttons as it is hot.  This allows enough allure to be tempting to look at but not enough to engage the wrath of the Monsignor.  Ms. Young Teacher is eternally perky; my god I bet she would be a wildcat in bed.  I imagine me on top of her with her limber legs wrapped around my neck (yes, she could still do that; she's only 29).  Damn I better move on.

*     Mrs. PTA:

I won't linger on PTA mom long.  She has an above average body and because she knows and loves clothes she knows just what to wear to accentuate and flatter.  It's just enough to be cute but not quite enough to be slutty.  She has perfect hair and make-up.  I bet she was a wild-cat in bed too back in college.  But now, IDK.  Something tells me she's not real kissy because that would mess up the make-up.  Blow job?  Hell no, she just got botox and spent $300 for that hair so you better keep that "wad" to yourself; nothing is going to muss that hair.

No, sex will cost you a trip to St. Barts and it will have to be sandwiched between her massage and aroma therapy or just after her tennis lesson but can't be more than 15 minutes because she has to get ready for the dinner excursion starting at 6 pm.  And for God sake don't sweat on her she just got a spray tan!!!

*     Ms. Nerd:

I've known Ms. Nerd for several years.  Her daughter takes dance class with mine and she is a nerd too.  Once I was sitting in class observing my daughter and her daughter belted out the loudest *art I've ever heard; poor girl.  Ms. Nerd is, well, a nerd.

"OMG Ryan, we've been listening and holding our comments so far but now you've gone too far.  You are a total creep and an objectifier of women.  How dare you categorize this poor woman and pigeon hole her and infringe upon her already soft self esteem.  FU A-hole!"

OK, you know you are right but bear with me because I am always the Contrarian!  I also love women and I believe all women have the capacity to be beautiful in the right setting.

You see I view Ms. Nerd as a very high value opportunity.  Sure she has "mousy" hair, really bad glasses, and is probably wearing "granny" undies.  That suit she bought from Kohl's is cheap but I can just now make out the outlines of what looks like one Super Fine ass.  And you know, I can't be sure but my internal guy radar senses she has some nice tits if she was in the right bra.

How Ryan likes to think of Ms. Nerd!

Yes, that's it!  If I could just get those "granny" panties off of her and my tongue between those legs I just bet Ms. Nerd would absolutely loosen up and be a total Minx!  I just bet if you broke through the shell of those nerdy glasses you'd find a super-hot woman that would be so appreciative that you simply appreciate her.  She would probably *uck you 'til your balls fell off and then thank you for it.

Damn, I should have married her.

*     Mrs. International:

Have you ever watched those National Geographic shows where they do a computer image of the "average human."  You know where they morph all races and ethnicity together.  Isn't the image that results like so completely HOT.  That is a fact that multiracial is always so sexy.

In my little world we get a lot of different cultures merging, probably driven by the proximity of a large city that happens to be the capital of the most powerful country on Earth.

And because of that you get to meet ladies like Mrs. International.  I don't know where the hell she is from.  I'd believe her if she said she was from Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Burma, the Philippines, or Timbuktu.  But it damn sure ain't Des Moines!  I think her dad might have been a GI back in the 60's on some foreign mission to topple a 3rd world country.  He may have met Mrs. International's mom, knocked her up, and brought her back to the states.

Ryan is all about Multiculturalism!

Bottom line though Mrs. International has that Cafe au Lait skin; long, beautiful, flowing, silky/shinny black hair; beautiful and striking skin tone and perfect cheek bone structure; and my God what a body.  "All hips and lips, made to trick just any fool (that's another lyric from the Soup Dragons)."  I'm even turned on by her nose ring which I usually don't like.

Wow, I should have been in the Foreign Service.

*     Mrs. Hot Power Mommy:

Mrs. Power Mommy comes bolting in about 5 minutes before the show, just in from a day-trip up to Philly (thank God for the Acela Express)!  She is texting in her right hand on her blackberry and checking voice mail with her left on her IPhone.  With her other hand she reaches back as she lifts her legs in some sort of yoga move to remove her heels.

"Wait Ryan are you saying she has three hands?"

Oh, I guess you are right; that would be weird.  Yes at some point she shifted the IPhone to a precarious position nestled between her chin and shoulder still checking VM and texting whilst removing those uncomfortable shoes and glides across the gym floor in her stockinged feet.

Mrs. Hot Power Mom is a different kind of hot than Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife.  Mrs. Trophy Wife has that ex-Playboy bunny body (now in her mid-30's).  Mrs. Power Mom doesn't have a playboy body, she is more Vogue.  But she is still a head turner in her Versace suit and tall thin willowy body.  She is as much of a head turner for those other moms as she is the dads.  Dads, go ahead and take a peak, she knows you are looking; she is used to men looking at her.  But don't dare gawk for if her eyes meet yours those piercing blue eyes will cut to your soul.  Those school moms perhaps wonder about her high powered exciting life on the road and perhaps wonder if she truly does have it all.  The men might just be a tad bit intimidated thinking she's been with CEO's, why would she be with you?  Oh but to know the truth.....

So the question of the day is:
........who on this list is married to Ryan?!   :)

Ryan's Repeats - Senorita I'm in Trouble Again

Does this mean it all ends with blogging?

If you believe in that Darwin guy everything seems to evolve.  Blogs evolve, even one as doppie as this.  I signed onto Ashley Madison back in April, 2010.  I came across Riff Dog's blog about a month later.  From June, 2010 to the end of the year I began my first three adventures with Alecia, Sandra, and Keeley.

By fall of 2010 I had decided I wanted to create a blog.  My first thought was to try to be an East Coast version of Riff Dog.  I would tell my tales sequentially and label them by the lady and that would be that.  Of course as time went on I took stabs at other things.  I felt compelled to tell a little about my marriage, I inevitably poked fun at Riff, and I eventually started writing food posts.  Thus, even this blog began to evolve almost immediately.

My third post was about a trip to the Caribbean.  As I was thinking about a title I heard that James Taylor song, "Mexico," in my head.  So I used that as my title.  When I decided to write about my experiences leading up to signing onto Ashley Madison I decided to tell the tale of my friendship with Renee and my participation in a local production of the Nutcracker.  I originally was going to use the name Rachel for my friend but then I heard that song "Just Walk Away Renee" and it stuck for me.  It's a song about unrequited love and I had always felt a connection to the song.  Soon I was writing about my discovery of Riff Dog and of course that song by the Baha Men "Who Let the Dogs Out" was just perfect.  Before I knew it I had evolved into using song lyrics for my blog post titles; and so it went from there.

Btw, I still run into Renee occasionally at the gym.  She is doing great in life and she still looks hot!  Sometimes I think that there is an alternative universe where we are together; we would be great together.



Evolution can be a bitch!

Of course all of this really doesn't mean much except for that concept of evolution which is sort of my point for the day.  As this blog has/is evolve(d)(ing) you may have noticed I don't write so much about Ashley Madison anymore.  It's because I really don't go there much anymore.  But if that is the purpose of your blog and you don't do it anymore, it kind of puts a plug on new stories at some point.  It kind of makes me think of Rush Limbaugh, what does that poor guy do when we start running out of old angry white guys in this country; he'll be out of a job!

And so I finally come to my point, sort of.  Today I am doing a repeat of one of my blog posts from 2010.  Going forward each month I will re-post a post from 2011 and 2012.  New readers my not have ventured back that far and for old readers I'll try to do some liner notes so to speak to make it worth your while.  I have to say I've been gearing down a bit of late.  I've put myself on a 10 post/month diet and may ratchet down from that after February - we'll see.

Anyway, it's all part of evolution you know.  Of course none of this means anything if the world does in fact end later this month.  I'm sure I'll have a little to say about that before we get there.

For now though I have "copied and pasted" the post about my first meeting with my first Ashley Madison lady, Alecia.  It kind of started a trend where I do a quick paragraph on why I am choosing that lyric and perhaps any past connections to the song and then I segue back to my purpose for the day.  I have to admit I enjoy being a bit of the eccentric.  Really it's more that I enjoy being like a baseball player (such as Yogi Berra) who never seems to make much sense while they are talking but every once in a while seems to come up with something slightly relevant by the end.  IDK, I think I've lost myself now.

Anyway, true real recent story.  Just the other day a client comes up to me and says "I met someone you know."  I smile and say "oh really, who would that be" not really giving a damn since I am such an aloof fellow.  He then says "you know Alecia ********, right; she told me to tell you hi."  I think for a second. I have no idea who he is talking about, and then I realize who he is talking about.  I guess that is why we only had sex twice; it's tough to have a *uck-buddy in a small town.  It sure would have been nice if she could have told me "hi" back in summer, 2010 rather than just never calling or e-mailing ever again!  But hopefully that means she remembers me well and with a smile.

So here is that post (man, nothing reminds me of high school nights like a little of the grand old Van Halen:

Ryan's Repeats:

from December 21, 2010...

Everyone likes a little old Van Halen, right? To put me on a timeline my first big concert out with the guys and no adult supervision was on the Van Halen 1984 tour. I think it was about 4 or 5 of us and we had a case of Old Milwaukee. Unfortunately for me we ate at Wendy’s before drinking and I was stuffed and I just wasn’t able to drink fast enough to get drunk before the concert which was perturbing me. So I “shotgunned” a beer to expedite and then promptly regurgitated my Wendy’s double cheeseburger just outside the car door (of course it may have been the “Old ‘swill”). Oh well, the concert was great and at least I was able to be safe driver going home. And, in hindsight, I’m glad I got to see them before they turned into Van Hagar (although 5150 is a great album in its own right). Sorry, that memory probably doesn’t go well with this blog entry but so what this is my story.

So I drive over to Alecia’s office and ask for her at the front desk. Alecia told me before that the receptionist will just think I am a business contact, I am in business attire so everything should be OK and it is close to the end of the day anyway. In fact in her message she said we are all “tanked out” meaning jeans and tank tops – this may be interesting. So I wait a few minutes nervously looking at some pamphlets. Finally I hear a somewhat familiar voice coming down the hall. And around the corner is Alecia. Yep, I can safely check “looks better in person,” on her AM profile if I were that type of guy (I don’t leave checks on AM btw, I like to keep things to myself good or bad). Alecia is in a cute burgundy tank top which reveals her fantastic tan and beautiful long toned arms. She has long strait brunette hair just parted to the side. She has a fairly big, dangly, and somewhat “earthy and native-American’ish” silver necklace. She is wearing very tight, straight leg jeans (my daughter calls them skinny jeans), and elegant black high heel sandals. And, as I said, her face has that tough but very attractive Pink (the singer) look. I also quickly note, little make-up, just naturally attractive. I let her walk a bit ahead as we go back to her office and she looks FANTASTIC. A side note, we don’t often recognize how important shoulders are in appearance. To get that great female silhouette and for cloths to “hang well” straight, well toned, and long shoulders (equal to hips) are a big plus. I am definitely a leg man, but shoulders are important.

So we sit in Alecia’s office and talk for about 30 minutes. She tells me more about her work and her family and her home. She lives in a big house on about 40 acres on land her husband’s family owns. She has a pool and a lot of ATV trails. She is sounding very cool. Apparently her husband is pretty selfish, absent, and career driven. Let me also pick back up with her career. She is more of an occupational therapist/job and life skills coach, working with the mentally and physically disabled on life skills and placing them into training and job opportunities as well as organizing transportation to job sites. So by now I am not as psyched-out. She takes a call while we are talking and one of her staff sticks there head in the door and it is very comforting to see her interact with others, she is very confident and candid but also very warm and caring. She then takes me on a tour of her office. There are a lot of rooms for training, skills assessment, etc. We actually make a connection here because I have done some non-profit work in this life skills area. I think she really enjoyed talking about and showing off her work to someone who was interested.

Things finish well and she walks me to my car. She had already given me her business card and cell phone number and said she would be in the car tomorrow traveling with some time to talk. So we have a 9 am cell phone date for tomorrow. She gets ahead of that always awkward ending by saying she would kiss me but it was not a good place, she says “we’ll have to save that for later.” I watch her as she walks away, she has a great walk! After about 10 paces she turns back to me and smiles and waves. Wow, she is really cool, I am liking this!

When I get back to my office I have the following note in my inbox:

“wanted to share I completely enjoyed meeting you R.. I found you extremely handsome..articulate.. And.. You left me with the desire to want to learn more.. I hope I left you feeling the same.. Im glad the initial meeting is out of the way.. Now if we choose we can focus on the journey.. What were your thoughts driving home”? Are you smiling

So I guess she likes me as well.

The next day we do talk on the phone for about 30 minutes. Again, the conversation is very natural. She really does most of the talking. She has a meeting at her daughter’s school that afternoon and a lot of soccer and baseball is coming up. Again, I really actually enjoy listening more than talking. We make tentative plans to go to lunch the next week. Over the next few days she texts me (I e-mail back) often. She says it’s like a scene from the movie “You’ve Got Mail.” Being cute I write her a note and address it to Meg. Later I get this angry e-mail saying

“you called me meg, im not meg…. I hope you and meg find what you are looking for….

Fortunately, I get the following text before I read the above text:

Dear Tom, OMG.. I am so very sorry...LOLLOL.. Im incrediblly exhausted from my work day.. It took me an hour to figure out who Meg was... LOLLOL.. I went outside to sit by the pool and WHAM.. It hit me.. Im Meg... Hopefully youre laughing as much as I am right now..

Wow, ain’t jealousy great!

So the following Tuesday we have our first date.

Don't Let Her Catch You with a Care

Kat's Blog Chain

Holiday Sex!

I was a little on the fence over this month's post, Holiday Sex.  It made me remember Ethel a girl I once dated.  She wasn't very attractive but she was really a sweet girl.  The first time we had sex was in the morning sun in front of a window facing east on Groundhog Day.  I came on her shadow and then she wouldn't leave me alone for 6 weeks!

OK, so I made that story up but give me credit for linking sex to an off brand holiday - sue me!  :) 

Let's get onto the real Holiday sex.

Ah New Orleans, how many fine memories I have of that wonderful city.  I first visited her on a spring break in college.  Me and my college buddies had actually gone down to Panama City (or rather the Red Neck Riviera as some call it).  We decided to take a road trip across I-10 to New Orleans and I loved it immediately.  The next time I visited the Big Easy was with my dear Shannon shortly after we were married.  Most people think of NOLA and Mardi Gras but it is a wonderful place around the holidays and a particularly fun spot on New Year's Eve.

Oh first before I get too long into this post, those lyrics above are from Harry Connick, Jr's. ode to his hometown "Oh, My NOLA."  This story takes place in New Orleans and accoring to those funny Facebook Dobleganger things I look 82% like Harry, just slightly ahead of John Ritter.  Unfortunately I'm not nearly as talented or funny as either of them.  But there you go.  And yes indeed you never want to be caught with a care in New Orleans.

OK so this is really just another FFF (like my Thanksgiving FFF) with some Cajun' spices.  To me New Orleans is all about the FFF - Food, Football, and Fuc*i; excuse me I mean Fushia (you know purple is one of the Mardi Gras colors)!   :)

So after getting married Shannon and I lived in the deep, deep South.  One of our favorite diversions was New Orleans.  The first time we went down there together was to do those F's.  Well football was the first priority (for me at least) my team Big State U was playing in a bowl game so I decided to go down for the game.  We ate a lot as well so the second F was pretty well taken care of.

But today's post is for Kat's Sex Blog Chain and I doubt Kat cares to have an analysis on how Big State won that big game.  So let's move onto that third F, because in NOLA, we always did a lot of that (3rd) F'in!  And of course F'in on New Year's Eve in NOLA is a wonderful thing!  As an aside I am an environmental F'er meaning the atmosphere as much as the act is what does it for me.

It was so fine being in the Big Easy with Shannon.  Back in those days she was so wide eyed and naive and enjoyed experiencing things with me.  We got to town in the early afternoon, checked into the hotel, and then headed for Bourbon Street.  We ate Seafood Etouffe and Fried Alligator tail on a restaurant balcony overlooking the street.  Later we found a bar and were lucky enough to see BeauSoleil, who were in town performing ahead of the big game.  I delighted at seeing Shannon twirl to the wonderful Cajun' Zydeco music and it was a joy to run into old friends on those city streets.

Later that night we returned to the room.  We had a little game back then.  Shannon would go into the bathroom to wash her face et al.  I would undress and lay naked on the bed trying to position myself like some Greek statue as if to surprise her.  When she came out of the bathroom she squeeked in delight.  In anticipation of my game she too was naked.  We were both pretty worked up from the night's music and spirits so not much foreplay but oh what a wonderful extended round of sex.  Back then it was as if we could not get deep enough into each other.  Our bodies would wrench our way into each other, gripped tightly, and moving in rhythmic motion.  In the end, bathed in sweat I would often linger inside of her kissing her gently.  Sometimes we even dozed off in that very position.

The next day we started with coffee and Beignets at the Cafe du Monde.  We then toured NOLA's beautiful Garden District.  The old homes still decorated for Christmas were lovely.  We also walked through some of those old cemeteries and admired the Gothic beauty of the crypts and mausoleums (which of course have to be above ground as the city is below sea level).  We meandered back to Jackson Square enjoying a peaceful carriage ride and touring St. Louis Cathedral.  All in all a wonderful taste of what makes New Orleans such a timeless place rich in the melting pot of classic old world cultures.

 

By the afternoon we were tired and the game was that night.  We headed back to our room.  Time was short and we both wanted to shower.  Being expeditious people, mindful of time, we of course decided to share the shower.  Shannon's long elegant body with her subtle soft curves were hypnotic as the water cascaded over her.  I ran the soap over her shoulders and down her back.  I nibbled at her neck and ran my hands around her waste.  As I pressed my fingers into her she sighed and instinctively leaned forward.  The hotel shower was large and we instinctively moved to our knees in tandem and were now on the floor of that shower.  Shannon leaded forward to her all fours.  She reached back underneath her body and between her legs and guided me into her.  Her soft body was slick and shiny from the water washing over us and the frothy soap bubbles still clinged to our bodies adding contour as they washed slowly across her beautiful round ass and down those lovely legs.

 

It was rapid and energetic sex as I moved into and out of her with ease, my hips mashing briskly into her soft cheeks.  But the heat of the shower and the close confines made orgasm difficult for me.  Mindful of time I motioned her to rise.  I then picked her up wet and soapy and carried her into the bedroom.  We flopped on the bed and I glided into her.  We were a sloppy, soapy, wet mess and it felt as if we could not be more naked.  This did not take long and we orgasmed together in a collective gasp.

 

BSU is not LSU

After, we got ready for the game and walked down to the Superdome and met our friends.  We enjoyed an epoch game that Big State U won with a terrific second half performance.  Once the game ended we headed down with the group to Bourbon Street and enjoyed a wonderful New Year's Eve.  Hurricanes on Bourbon Street as we counted down the New Year was so fun.  Running into old and happy Big State U buddies in the Big Easy was endearing.  But holiday sex in that festive mood, in comfortable surroundings, and with the one you love - Priceless!  Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And here is a great Harry Connick tune!  Man is he one handsome dude!  :)

FFF Decision

Advizor is the new Czar of FFF over at Free Advice is Worth What You Pay for It so join in this week or down the road.  Thanks to Advizor for picking this up, it is always so fun to play!


Alexia's Tale

"Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass..."

Can one love an enigma?

I  knew I was just Adolfo's little passion when he was NYC.  His real life  was in BA. Though just his lover, he treated me better than guys who said they loved me and wanted to marry.

When he said he would be spending more time in the States I was elated.  But then he followed with, "my family will be joining me here just next month; perhaps it is not so good we continue to see one another, no?  Besides a young girl like you needs to start to live your life.  Find an ambitious young man and have a family.  You will be better for it."

You know I was not even mad at him.  His honesty was refreshing, no games and no drama just the truth.  He had never asked anything of me more than a good time and he had never promised me anything more than that either.  But what he gave was class and eligance and to be the center of the world for those delightful moments with him.

I had the decision now that hardly seemed like a decision.  Was I a slut to sleep with him one last time or was my decision to do so one of opportunity to enjoy the best sex I had ever or probably would ever know.

Adolfo's Tale

"When it come to being lucky she's cursed...."

Oh my sweet Alexia, how many men will fall at their feet for you, I think to myself.  How lucky I have been to be your lover.  Today I take one last sip for a memory we can each treasure.

You are an awakening to me.  In my country it is accepted that men take younge lovers.  Even my wife first discovered love with a man who would be my mentor in life and career.  It was he who introduced us and I was glad for the education he had given her.

But here in the States you take sex and love so seriously.  I cherish the way you have shown me your American life without the pretense of your country's morals.

And yet as I leave you here today I realize you have given me the gift of conscious that plagues this country I now call home.

As I walk to you my decision is whether to be my Argentinian self and enjoy this moment or be Baptised with your love and washed in the guilt of the American I have become.

Forgot that Cat Stevens originally wrote this!  It has always been one of my favorites.  That Rod Stewart album "Every Picture Tells a Story" is one of my favorites of all time.