"I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis"
Shae speaking....
It seems like every time I was naughty my mom would say "Shae, Santa's going to put you on his naughty list for that!"
But Santa and Christmas always seemed so far away and whatever I was doing that was so naughty was right now and oh so much fun. More often than not I still did that something naughty and for some reason Santa still always found my house. I always wondered if Santa really had something in his heart for naughty girls!
Flash forward to last night and I'm at my first company Christmas Soiree. My boss is pretty cool and she likes her young hottie boys. So rather than a traditional Santa she got the yummy barista/actor "wanna-be" from the Starbucks downstairs. He always had my Caramel Macchiato ready at 8:05 each day for me because, being the naughty girl I, was always a bit late to work. I was always in such a hurry so we never really spoke but he always had the nicest, slyest grin as I walked in. There was something about him, I knew, if I ever got the chance to speak. Perhaps tonight was my chance.
After about four Cosmopolitans I finally got my chance to sit on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I hoped he would appreciate my naughtiest Christmas outfit I had picked out for the occasion.
He asked me "have you been naughty or nice this year my pretty Shae?"
I smiled, batted my eyelashes, and whispered in his ear "do I look like a girl who's been naughty?"
He replied out loud "ho, ho, ho, Santa knows all my pretty one!" Then he whispered in my ear "oh my Shae I bet you think you have been naughty but Santa likes to see just how naughty a girl can be! I'm going to take a break in about 15 minutes, shall we meet in the naughty room in the back?"
I found my way back to my boss's dressing room where Santa was taking his break. He asked me if I wanted a drink. I said "I think 4 Cosmos is quite enough but I'd like to know if Santa's lips do in fact taste like Cherry"
Santa smiled and said "oh my you are naughty and forward as well!"
Santa pulled me into the closet and kissed me. He was just as yummy as I had always imagined. He kissed his way across my neck and down through the V of my plunging neck line all the while cleverly unbuckling my belt and dipping his hands into me like the sly elf he was. As he knelt between my legs he looked up, smiled, and said "let's see what candy is in this little stocking stuffer."
His tongue was magic and drove me insane.
Before I knew it he was behind me gently nibbling at my neck. I leaned forward and reached back grasping his long luscious cock and gently whispered "come Dasher and Dancer let's see how hard Blitzen can work!"
I looked up and saw Santa behind me, his chest glistening in the light. That sly grin came across his face as he gently grasped my waist, sledded his way between my legs, and said "Shae, I bet you always knew how much Santa adores naughty girls!"
Now, of course, I've been naughty as is often the case and exceeded my word total. Not to mention posting my FFF a day early. But I did want you to have something fun to read after all those presents are opened!
But please let me say,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!
Key Words: Santa Forbidden Words: Party Word Limit: 360 Extra Credit: have you ever been naughty in with Santa?! Bonus Words: +50 if they get on/off the
I have to apologize in advance for using Taylor Swift lyrics on you today. But I have to admit I love the song! To me it's a real throw back Jackson 5 type vibe with a good beat and it just makes you feel good listening to it. My girls love it so it's fun to have something we all like playing in the car on the way to school or practice. I also am intrigued by the lyric above. I came upon the term "hella good hair" as I was perusing the annual pre-season college football predictions back in August. On Yahoo news West Virginia University's QB, Clint Trickett, was referred to as having "hella good hair." Then I heard the Taylor Swift song and it mentioned "hella good hair." It seemed everywhere girls were interested in "hella good hair." And of course you know me, if chicks dig "hella good hair" I want to know where I can get some. Fortunately for a 40-something dude, "hella good hair" means you actually do, in fact, have hair! Which I do so I'm covered. But Clint try to make sure you always have good hair. You see you are a fairly mediocre QB for a somewhat sucky team but you are getting a lot of attention from ladies just because you have good hair. In the immortal words of Billy Crystal "it's better to look good than to feel good," or in the case of guys sometimes it's better to be silky smooth and easy on the eyes rather than have a whole lot of depth because as Billy also said "you look mahvelous!" :)
This whole concept of style over substance got me to thinking about silly songs I am ashamed to say I like. But you know this is the blogosphere and so this is the place for guilt-ridden admissions. Apparently there is even a science to guilty pleasures as Spotify has even researched and identified the top "Guilty Pleasures" of all time (read here) with Mambo #5 in fact being #1. So here goes.
Anyway that Taylor Swift song does really speak to me in a very personal way when she says "got nothing in my brain." Yes Taylor, I know you are singing about Ryan! :)
Ryan's Favorite Guilty Pleasures:
Carpenters - Superstar: This has to be the ultimate guilty pleasure. Take a look at this scene from Tommy Boy (click here), one of the greatest movie scenes of all time. You know what I mean, we have all done this very thing! Ryan likes to pretend he is Neil Peart or John Bonham in the car while he plays the steering wheel drums. Burt Bacharach wrote many of the Carpenters songs but this song was actually written by Leon Russell (of rhythm and blues fame) along with Bonnie Bramlett. Apparently this song is about a groupie who hooks up backstage with a rock star and is now lamenting the fact that he probably ain't coming back. It was performed by Cher and Bette Midler before the Carpenters picked it up in 1971 and made it their own.
Michael Jackson - I Wanna Be Where You Are: Speaking of that Taylor Swift song being a bit Jackson 5'esque, here is one of those guilty pleasures (sans the 5 in this case). This song was Michael's solo debut off his 1972 album "Got to Be There." It was co-written by Arthur "t-boy" Ross, younger brother of Diana Ross.
I Can't Go On, I Go On - Everything I Own: LOVE THE SKA here, majorly! The Bread version of this song is sweet but this version has some balls! Funny the ballsier version comes in a tween movie, albeit a surprisingly dark and introspective movie I saw and really liked. Well maybe it had a lot to do with Aly Michalka! Wait she played a high schooler in the movie; that makes me creepy, forget I said that. Well she was long out of high school in real life. Anyway this is a great song.
Olivia Newton John - Please Mr. Please: This song was written by John Rostill and Bruce Welch from Cliff Richards' back-up band. Cliff Richards was only a minor star in the States but he seemed to play the Svengali to a lot of hotties with English accents in the 70's, Olivia Newton John being one (albeit as Aussie). This is another one of those cross-over country/pop songs I love with even a bit of a gospel tone in the background synth. I love the imagery of a women trying to drink her memory away and how that beautiful song on B-17 keeps bringing that guy back into her memories. Kind of like how this blog keeps bringing the bad memory of Ryan back to poor ladies on the web!
Elvis - Cold Kentucky Rain: Looking at wiki it's easy to understand why I like this song so much. It was written by Eddie Rabbitt (he of "I Love a Rainy Night" and "Rocky Mountain Music") and released in early 1970. It is a very typical cross-over Country-politan hit of the late 60's/early 70's which I love. And btw Eddie Rabbit may seem like country pop fluff but when you consider his range from writing and performing soundtrack songs from "Everywhich Way but Loose" to writing that song for Elvis and other top performers such as "Pure Love" performed by Ronnie Milsaps you realize the guy had talent. Oooh, inner Ryan secret, Ryan once performed a karaoke version of Suspicious Minds, another Elvis guilty pleasure, for a girl he was trying to impress - she ended up being thusly so! But to be honest I do better at making Elvis recipes than singing his songs!
Culture Club - Karma Cameleon:There is no way in the world I would have ever admitted liking Culture Club back in high school. I was on the edge of including this song or the Church of the Poison Mind but I love this video. I love the festive, colorful Mardi Gras'esque scenes along the Mississippi River. The song was written by Boy George and speaks to the fact that Karma will get you in the end particularly if you are disingenuous or a "karma chameleon." I used the song once in one of my early Shannon Stories during our years in the deep south. I guess Boy George is saying here that you shouldn't put style of substance, but ain't that the pot calling the kettle black!? The song reminds me of the adventurous feel I always get when traversing the Mississippi and pulling into a small river town like Natchez and eating at some dive restaurant like the Cock of the Walk, much like the fashionable Cock of the Walk style over substance gents in this video.
Hanna Montana - If We Were a Movie:You know I'm a very easy going, live and let live, if you can't beat 'em join 'em type fella. When you have girls you won't win many radio selection arguments on the way to school. So given that you may just go ahead and embrace your inner Disney. The great part of that is that much of my best blog fodder has been my interaction with my girls along the XM Radio dials. This is one of my favorite Disney songs. I think the concept of the lyrics are actually pretty clever. The song was written by Jennie Lurie and Holly Mathis expressly for Disney consumption and was selected for the Hanna Montana series as a B-side to Best of Both Worlds. But for some reason it just has a sweet edge that makes it rise above the normal Disney bubble gum pop for me.
One Direction - Tell Me a Lie:Well if you have to listen to a "boy band" these guys are actually not that bad. The lyrics are really quite evocative and speak to me for some reason. The song was originally written by Sheppard Soloman for Kelly Clarkson and I can totally hear her singing it. One thing you can say for One Direction is that they have been handled very well. Many of their songs are written by Ed Sheeran (now of Hobbit soundtrack fame).
the Wiggles - Six Months in a Leaky Boat: This seems like sacrilege. You know I like my XM Radio First Wave and I certainly like the Split Enz. The Wiggles took this Split Enz song and made it into a wonderful kids song and I don't care if you think I'm weird for liking it. Actually I love the Wiggles, they are really quite talented. Founding members Anthony Field and Jeff Fatt were actually in a somewhat successful Aussie rock band, the Cockroaches, in the early 1970's. Anthony Field later got a degree in Early Childhood Education. Affected by the death of a niece, Field decided that he wanted to endeavor to create high quality children's music and the Wiggles were then formed.
Chilliwack - I Believe: Oh my Ryan liking a band called Chilliwack is totally "wack!" I know that is bad. I'm not sure if Chilliwack is a guilty pleasure but it seems anything by a band named Chilliwack should make you feel guilty. I don't know, I just like the song for some reason.
the Bangles - Going Down to Liverpool: Another song about nothingness but oh do those 80's girl bands look hot! And what up with Spock? Actually he looks a little like me trying to be cerebral but really just dazed and confused by the whole situation when surrounded by gorgeous ladies! This song was originally written and performed by Katrina and the Waves in a much more raw style. The song is a tip of the hat to the Beatles. Vicki Peterson, the drummer, takes vocals in the Bangles version; a rare diversion from the main vocalist Susanna Hoffs. Btw, Susanna Hoffs, other than maybe the brunette from Bananrama, is probably my all time favorite/fantasy hot 80's girl group hotty!
Lowen & Navarro - We Belong to the Night: Yes that's the Pat Bentar song, and I'm not sure it quite qualifies as a guilty pleasure but I'm adding it anyway. It was actually written by Lowen & Navarro (brother of Red Hot Chili Peppers member Dave Navarro). They used to play a lot in and around Big State U back in the day. I mentioned them in the blog once before - here. In fact their last show was at the Birchmere in Alexandria in 2009. Sadly Eric Lowen died of ALS in 2012. Lowen and Navarro wrote songs for many other groups including those Bangles above.
But for all you Swifties here is that Taylor song!
I can't believe I've been doing this for 4 years! I don't even like doing things I enjoy for that long!
Here are previous blogoversary posts: First Year: Remember where you came from (or as Stephen Colbert would say re-become the person you never were) Second Year: Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to... Third Year: Why we blog and meeting another blogger
Anyway, the song lyric above is from Elton John's song Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters off the 1972 Honkey Chateau album. John has mentioned that it is one of his favorite songs and it's one of my favorite songs of his. I've been meaning to use the song for a post for some time but just needed the right theme. I almost used it once before for a very personal and emotional post about a year ago. The song was penned, of course, by Elton John's long time lyricist Bernie Taupin. Taupin and John created the rather somber toned song as an ode to New York city. The two country boys were both amazed and awestruck by the city and somewhat scared one night when Taupin heard gunshots near his hotel room. And yet in the song they rejoice in what the city is and what it is not. To paraphrase a Rolling Stone critic from the wiki, the song evokes imagery of one's individual paradox of needing people and yet desiring the privacy of aloneness. That paradox makes a great theme and in fact is the stimulus or simply that little something extra that made Taupin and John such a magical musical pair.
But I guess at these kinds of times, anniversaries of events, we tend to think about questions like "why we do this?" "Does this make us happy?" "Should we be doing something else?" "What do we get from all of this?"
In asking those questions it seemed apparent that the tone of that song ringed the true answer. As Elton John and Bernie Taupin make one another better, blogging seems to help us navigate that razor's edge along the paradox between needing people and needing privacy. It gives us that little something extra in our life.
As I thought further I rather thought blogging is somewhat like parallel play in children. If you have ever been around kids you know that young children (usually 2-3 years of age) often parallel play, a form of play where they are adjacent to but do not try to initially influence one another's behavior. While playing alone, the child is still quite interested in what the other children are doing. If quite interested, children will at times be influenced by one another and modify their play accordingly. Parallel play is an important part of childhood development, it sews the seeds of learning how to deal with one another and will help form foundations for future relationships. Children are always content at play but often parallel play is the little something extra that makes them happier and helps them grow.
Yes, like that Elton John song and parallel play, blogging is that little thing that makes us smile at the world in spite of all the craziness that surrounds us. There is just something to it.
Or maybe blogging is just that little something extra that helps us feel good about where we are in life. Yeah, a little life lagniappe. In the Cajun/Creole vernacular a lagniappe is a little something extra, something a business might give a customer as appreciation for their business (aka that 13th donut to make a "baker's dozen"). Much like all of Cajun and Southern Louisiana culture, lagniappe is an amalgamation of many influences. In this case the word is derived from the Spanish word (albeit Andean South American Spanish) la yapa (a free extra item, usually cheap). In fact the word lagniappe is, in effect, a lagniappe; a little something extra one gets when you fuse a lot of things together. When we enter the world of blogging an entire world then is fused to our screen and we get the amalgamated sum of those experiences and that gives us that little lagniappe, something extra, that keeps us going, reinforces us, amplifies who we are and fortifies us as we go on our way.
This also reminds me of my Intro to Economics Class at Big State U and how $1 moves through the economy. Intro to Economics was a real eye opener to me. It used mathematics which I was good at but it connected to something - making money! And it used logic and human behavior which I liked. All of a sudden algebra wasn't just something boring, it helped me decide how to maximize my utility over $10 between porn videos, porn magazines, or a six pack of Old Milwaukee and why my demand for such products was so elastic! At once I knew what vector I needed to be on in that massive 400 person auditorium listening to the famous Dr. M*****st***, who btw was an Economic advisor to the Nixon administration (just had to throw that out for ego)! But what we learned that day was that if I buy $1 of something off Kat's blog page, Kat then can take that money and invest it. If she earns 10% that turns into $1.10. She can then buy something from Sassy for $1. The bank in the meantime can lend Ad the $0.10 that Kat left in the bank. Ad can then buy supplies for his product and sell it to me for $0.50. Of course, then you are saying Ryan can invest this into venture capital and become a millionaire!? Hell no, Ad sold me a Larry the Cable Guy "Git R Done" ballcap, I ain't part'in with that! But you see that $1 ended up becoming $1.10 + interest for Kat, $1 for Sassy, $0.10 + interest for the bank, $0.50 less interest for Ad, and one genuine "Git R Done" ballcap for Ryan. Our national GDP is somewhere north of $2.50 + a cheap ass redneck hat for Ryan. See, we all get a little something extra, we all benefit. I know, you tea partiers are saying "Ryan you are just trying to RAM Obama's socialistic stimulus packages down our throats!" Well maybe you are right but whether you are Keynesian or Friedman'esque, you realize we all benefit when we work with or alongside one another. The sum of all transactions ends up greater than the parts. It gives us a little something extra.
Who knows, I'm really not sure but all that stuff above sounds like a good reason to waste this much time over the past four years! If nothing else I made a quirky attempt at finding some meaning by threading a Cajun word, a child development concept, economic theory, and a song lyric which I guess has become my little schtick over time. Not that child development theory is my schtick just trying to tie together random concepts for some type of universal realization in the most inane way possible!
However, if you are trying to take some meaning from this post just understand this, write about sex (WAY more than me) and use a lot of pictures (people like that), and link to other bloggers, and shamelessly slobber affection of famous bloggers (like Kat) so they will mention you, and don't write so often that you get sick of it, and don't ever let it become homework (this is supposed to be fun).
But yes, blogging does add a little incremental value to my life. Are you doing something that adds incremental value to your life? Does blogging give you that mental lagniappe?
So in conclusion I steal this from Elton and Bernie "I thank the Lord there's people out there like you!" :)
Happy Black Friday! I btw will not be frequenting any Targets, Wal-Marts, or God-forbid the Hell that is the Tysons Corner Galleria today. But I have been thinking about things to suck up your time over the holidays, albeit better than dodging raging 'tweens between the Hollister's and Clair's as I try to get my hands on a Cinnamon Sugar pretzel. I've been wanting to write this post for about two years. Christmas is always a wonderful time but in DC it always seems particularly special. There are many special places we all think of when we think of DC but as usual I want to talk about some of those out of the way treasures that are really better than the main special places we all hear about.
So because I enjoy being unexpected and a little off beat here are some of those out of the way joys in and around DC if you happen to visit this year or any other Christmas.
I. A Ginormous Tree:
Georgetown in miniature
Most people coming to DC plan on going to the White House Christmas Tree. If you just have to do it just plan on some difficulty. Getting off the Metro near Lafayette Plaza or the Reagan Building will still leave you a 10-15 minute (often) cold walk. Now you may be the type of person to enjoy the tee shirt salesmen and street musicians banging on pickle buckets along the way. But for me the effort is not quite worth dealing with the throngs of people once you get there. I do enjoy the little trains in the area and the tree displays from every state. But make sure you bring change so the kiddies can throw it at the railroad cars for sport.
Hey let's filibuster holiday cheer!
Lazy Ryan says a better tree to see is the National Tree at the Capitol Building. On the weekend you can probably just park on the street and walk right up. Each year a tree from a different state is selected and decorated in the motif of that state. Fortunately they have yet to pick a tree from my hometown as that would have to be decorated with an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, the fender of an old Dodge, and a piece of siding from a double wide! Adjacent to Congress is the United States Botanical Garden which always has a lovely Christmas display that you can enjoy in balmy warmth. There are beautiful displays of poinsettias along models of all the famous Federal buildings. There is also a wonderful holiday train set. There is even a touch and smell herb room. It's always astounding to me how much stinky smells can occupy a kid's attention. Usually after several miles of walking a good 30 minutes of smelling is just what is needed for the kids while Ryan takes a rest! And all of this comes at a great low price of exactly $Nothing! Well, you should probably leave a donation, but it is cheap!
II. Classy Entertainment:
If you have read this blog you know I love the Nutcracker. The Washington Ballet offers a lovely interpretation at the Warner Theater each holiday season. Septime Webre's version of the classic ballet puts a Washington colonial spin on the tale. In Webre's version George Washington is the Nutcracker Prince, King George is the Mouse King, and Clara encounters beautiful sassy Cardinals, Frontiersmen, sexy Anacostia Indians, and of course lovely Cherry Blossoms along her journey through the Land of Sweets. The Warner is a wonderful place to enjoy a show and this just always seems to set the season. The costumes and settings are perfect and the company is first rate. If you are lucky you will see Brooklyn Mack defy gravity as a Frontiersman in the Russian Suite and leap well beyond what you would think is humanly possible. And did I say the Indians (substituting for Arabian) are HOT. Oh yeah, I did but they are so go and enjoy. All of it, not just the Indians, but they are HOT! I gotta quit thinking about her!
III. For the Lazy:
You know sometimes you don't want to walk all day and take three Metro trains just to see a poinsettia. Or maybe it's just too damn cold outside to enjoy that real Douglas Fir fresh from the Oregon mountains. If the warmth of a fake faux Christmas village is just your thing then you need to be at the Gaylord at National Harbor's Christmas on the Potomac. The atmosphere inside really is enchanting and the nightly water and light shows with the Potomac in the background are beautiful. For the dudes there is a sports bar so you won't miss that Massengill Extra Mild Des Moins Dirt Bowl between the Florida Gulf Coast State Honey Beavers and the Northern Montana Tech Porkers. I think the kids said something about a Breakfast with Shrek and Santa but I was watching the cheerleaders on TV so I was ignoring them.
Fun but too damn cold!
Anyway across the street is Ice which, in a word, is breathtaking. And by breathtaking I mean it's "cold as a witch's tit in an iron bra (as us guys used to say)." At about +$30/pop it's also a bit pricey to be miserable in sub-zero temps though. I prefer just walking the streets and seeing decorations and people watching. We always meander down to the Peep Store. Stop it! I don't mean I go looking for Capital strippers! No it's a Peep store, you know, the Easter styrofoam candy things.
Oh well, by the end of all of this we are hungry and National Harbor has one of my all-time favorite concepts - Nando's. Ryan enjoys the spicy African chicken dishes, the hearty sides, and the soft serve ice cream; Shannon enjoys the warmth of a good South African Shiraz! The girls just like it 'cause the guys in One Direction mentioned Nando's once in an interview. But if you go I am sure you will come away saying Peri Peri!
IV. More Free Stuff - Union Station:
Did I mention that I am a cheap Bastard! Wait, any of you ladies contemplating coming to DC because I am so suave and sophisticated forget about that last statement. As my aunt used to say "we're not cheap we are just close with our money!"
Anyway, have you noticed that other than an $80 ballet ticket and a $40 meal at Nando's all this stuff I've been talkin' about is free! Kind of catch a theme here.
Well another place that is absolutely free is Union Station. Of course it's just a train station and that lady over there in the black knee high boots with 5 inch heels is probably not free. But Union Station is, in fact, quite spectacular and well worth a look. We love the large Norwegian Village decorated for Christmas and the player piano in the main lobby. Wait, actually I like the fact that the Norwegian Village takes my girls and Shannon's attention and now I can look at that life sized image of Sarah Palin they have for sale at the newsstand next door. Wow, standing next to her it appears that her hips are just in the right location for me to nail her in front of the mirror if we were back at the Gaylord! Oh God I would totally go all tea party to get a shot at that action! I'd even let her complain about me "paling around with Riff Dog" while I was nailing her. OH, baby; you know Ryan loves workin' it across party lines. Oops Shannon is walking over. "Hey dear look at this funny 'Cup of Joe' Stalin coffee mug, hilarious!" I don't think it worked, she knows I was looking at Sarah's perfectly aerobacized cardboard ass! Drat!
We better move along! :(
Oh, if you want more free just across the river in Arlington is the community of Cherrydale and what may be the merriest tackiest Christmas display ever! If you can make your way across the river and through the Sprout Run Parkway you will enjoy the lights on Quebec St. They always do a wonderful job. My favorite was back in 2011 when they did an Occupy Cherrydale Christmas Lights Extravaganza, the Elf protest was hilarious! :)
V. Outside the Beltway:
So if you are one of those Tea Baggers, I mean Partyers, and you just have to get outside the Beltway to see the "real" America there are some very quaint spots. The best spot would be curled up alongside Ryan next to the fireplace and adjacent to his tree!
But if we don't cross paths here are some other outside-the-Beltway gems.
Mount Vernon - Mount Vernon is really a must see when you are in DC. Really it is a beautiful majestic place any time of year, perched above the Potomac and now overlooking Alexandria. The tour of the house and grounds is very interesting and not too long for the kiddies and the Visitors Center has some really interesting interactive exhibits to keep everyone happy. For me I just love breathing in the aura of Virginia gentility and to understand how uncommon it was and is to have a man that led a lost cause to victory and then held so much power in his hands and yet had the true nobility to walk away. Kind of like Ryan when he chooses to not flirt with the hot MILF's at his daughter's school! OH and you have to check out George's Christmas Camel! Food is real good in the Visitor's Center and the the Mount Vernon Inn is even better.
Hershey - Did you know the sweetest place in the world is just up the road about 1 hour? Yep, and you guessed it they have cheap and free stuff as well! That is what is so great about this place, it's like you are close to everything except for like Vegas which will take about 4 hours on a Southwest Air jet.
But really Hershey is much more festive at Christmas than Vegas and you won't lose as much money. In fact the World of Chocolate is free and Hershey Park opens up Christmas decorated kiddie rides for a pretty affordable price. There are also some really nice shows throughout the day in the park to get the Christmas spirit going. At the end of the day the Hershey Grille is a great place to end your visit at the Sweetest Place on Earth. On the way home take a drive through the Christmas Candy lane Lights.
Harpers Ferry from Maryland Heights
Harpers Ferry - Located astride the confluence of the Potomac and the Shenandoah Rivers and at the intersection of three states, Harpers Ferry has always been at the crossroads of history. There are certainly many great attractions and restaurants in the area but most of all it's fun just to take in the Victorian charm, walk the brick streets, and see the old Civil War era buildings and decor. As you do this you see the beauty of the rivers below the last peak of the Blue Ridge Mountains, forming the boundary of Virginia and West Virginia, as they end at the Potomac and give way to the Catoctin Mountains across into Maryland. Above the town you see the spectacular peak of Maryland Heights that has famously overlooked this beautiful town. Harpers Ferry is so much of a Gateway as it sits at the end of the Shenandoah Valley seemingly far from anything commercial and yet a short drive down Rt 9 into Leesburg and those outer x-urbs of Metro DC.
And just in case you were in fact looking for a Miracle on 34th Street you can actually go to 34th Street in Baltimore and see a wonderful display of lights. I have to admit I have not visited there but I think I will soon as it was recommended to me by one of my dearest followers who has joined me on this blog in the past, thanks Moira! :)
So good luck with those crowds if you simply must go shopping today but consider really getting into the true meaning of the season and just get out and breath some fresh Christmas spirit. Nothing makes you feel more alive than to take in the the chilly fresh Appalachian holiday mountain air.
So today's lyric title comes from, of all places, the Dead Milkmen off their 1988 hit Punk Rock Girl from the album Beelzebubba; I love Redneck punk rock! Except the Milkmen are not from the south, actually Philly. The Dead Milkmen, with their sarcastically funny lyrics (very much on display in Punk Rock Girl and Bitchin' Camero), made punk rock in the early to mid-80's a bit more digestible to American college kids. It always seemed like the dark, shaggy, brooding literary types were always wearing Bauhaus, the Dead Kennedy's, Husker Du, or Dead Milkmen shirts around Big State U back then. And as I say that I bet you never guessed Ryan to be a punk rocker did you! Well, you would be right; I was anything but.
Anyway, the other day I was enjoying a fine French dinner of escargot and I took some pics of the plate (that's "food porn" to you Instagram addicts). I sent it to Sandee as I often do when I come across something interesting. She shot back "ew, I don't eat snails." Me, wanting to sound intellectual, then decided I would write back "en francaise," as you might say. I started to type in "pourquoi...," knowing that "why" in French is pourquoi. But I wasn't sure if that was the right way to start the phrase "why not." So I googled "pourquoi" to get the phrase right (I'm so diligent at being witty you know). Upon googling "pourquoi" I came across a wiki article on a "pourquoi story."
Of course now you are saying to yourself "pourquoi ne pas rester sur le sujet, Monsieur Ryan!" Well, that is if you are French. Otherwise you might just say "hey Ryan, is there going to be a point or some sex here, otherwise I'd like to get back to an interesting blog!"
Ryan on a typical Saturday
OK, ok; well anyway a pourquoi story is a fictional etiological tale often told in a narrative style that explains why something is the way it is. In the American vernacular it's often a Tall Tale, something on the order of "there are so many lovely places for Sandee and Ryan to go pick apples around here 'cause Johnny Appleseed roamed these parts near about 160 years ago uh plantin' trees and chasin' Victorian MILF's...."
Now, I'm digressing again. Well as I found out about the pourquoi story a certain event in my youth gave me an idea of how to write about the experience I will eventually get to today.
"OMG Ryan, I just wasted another two minutes and you still haven't gotten to your point!"
So back to the Dead Milkmen. No, I was not punk rocker at Big State U; actually pretty preppie. But I had heard their music and I knew a lot of people were going and it was not just every day that a national act came through Big State U. So I decided to go.
And I decided to go because, as so often is the case, Ryan's curiosity get's him into predicaments!
Oh yeah, that's right; this is why I was talking about the "pourquoi story."
So Ryan goes to the Dead Milkmen show with his friends. The band is great live, very energetic! People start getting on stage and stage diving. It looks fun. Some of Ryan's friends start stage diving. Ryan catches them along with the crowd. At some point Ryan and his friends start noticing some cute punk rock girls near us. We start to flirt and they seem to like us preppie guys, a bit out of sorts in the punk environment. One of the girls stage dives. Ryan thinks that's pretty cool in a way but perhaps a little severe. He is attracted but perhaps a little intimidated. Ryan's friends continue stage diving. Ryan has not done so yet because Ryan is Mr. Control and like a cat always wants to look cool and never out of sort. Ryan is making waves with one of the punk rock girls. At some point it seems apparent that Ryan will have to attempt a stage dive lest he be determined to be a "pussy" by his frat friends. Ryan gets on stage, gets his courage, and then leaps! Ryan's long 6' length goes well past his shorter friend's grasp along the front row. His waste lands right at Jake's shoulders. But that's OK because his other friend Unfortunate Dave is there to support Ryan's upper body in the sake of fraternity Unity, right?! No, unfortunate Dave, who in the interest of today's post we'll call Idiot Dave, has turned his attention to the girls. Now Ryan is precariously balanced on Jake's shoulders for a moment and then sharply plummets to the floor finishing in a faux handstand with feet still affixed to the back of Jake's shoulders.
I finally do collapse on the floor, slowly get up, brush myself off, and prepare for the laughter of my friends at my stupid act. Except, nobody seemed to notice. I ask Idiot Dave, "why didn't you catch me - *sshole!" He looks at me bereft of any knowledge of the whole incident. Jake seemed to be oblivious to what happened around his shoulders. The girls seemed unaffected by my plight. I at first felt slighted that nobody took notice of my heroic act or took pity upon my fateful fall from grace. Nobody gave care to my ailing soul.
So the pourquoi story is "why does Ryan get into so many predicaments?" It's because he is curious, because he doesn't mind looking like and playing the fool in the name of discovery, and that somehow in the end he always lands on his feet and feeling like he is a better man for the challenge! :)
OK, so that is a *hit-pile of set up for a stupid Ashley Madison Adventure story but here goes.
You know I've always wondered what's up with all this BDSM stuff. I see a lot of people talking about it and I have to say I have wondered what's the attraction. But I've never really made any actually inquiry into the act of BDSM. I guess I just don't come across as all BDSM to those BDSM ladies out there, kind of like being preppie at a punk rock concert.
She looked a little like this
Anyway, I still float past AM sometimes; now using my faux Ryan Beaumont profile. Because I float past I now come up within that "online in last 7 days" search selection for AM ladies. And so it was that I got a "present" from Mistress Estella. Apparently Mistress Estella thought I was interesting and wanted to hear more about me. She was looking for "a willing slave to serve her needs." Normally, I'm only good at writing to people who I know I can be successful with but Estella looked pretty cute and I was feeling a little curious. Although at 31, 5'2", and only 95#'s I was not exactly sure how she was going to dominate me!
I sent her a fairly quick e-mail stating that my Southern hospitable demeanor always required me to be obedient and that I worked in a service industry and was accustomed to making people happy. I'm sure I wrote some other stuff but it was mostly boiler-plate. I also sent her my e-mail address, jumping the gun a little from normal decorum - but we were in BDSM world so I was treading new waters.
The next day I got a rather terse response along with some nice pics (exactly like the one to the left). Although as nice as her ass looked, it appeared to be about 95# in and of itself so I was already doubting her profile. Anyway, Mistress Estella wrote:
Hello slave ... I am so glad to hear from you.i am Single Mistress looking for a serious slave for both longtime relation and online training..i have been a Mistress for more than 12 years now..i am an active member of a group of dominant women in the city and wider environment.. I will not accept anything less than your absolute submission and trust, which I takes quite seriously. I cannot wait to take total control of your life and use in abuse you in all ways. I will train and take you to be the perfect sissy slut slave for me.Henceforth if you choose to serve me, You have to answer the question below.. 1)Where are you from ?? 2)How old are you?? 3)How did discover this side of you? 4)Do you live alone? 5)What do you do for a living? 6)Where do you live currently? 7)What's your name?? 8)Do you live in a rented or owned home? 9)Do you have any disability ??(not a problem though) 10)How long have you been into this lifestyle? 11)How long have you been on the site and how many Mistresses have you exchange emails with? 12)Have you served any Mistress? 13)What are your subject of limit?? 14)What are some of things you like to do to relax in terms of hobbies, sports, music, etc? I need your reply to all my questions as soon as Possible..and also attached some pictures of yourself with the email..i am the mistress you have been waiting to admired, to serve and surrender too.Dont keep me waiting.
Now one thing you have to remember about Ryan is that, as his third grade teacher once said, he is a "little diablo." When I see such serious thought put into something that should be fun, the sarcastic side of me just jumps out. I gleefully sent back the following responses, curious as to what the reply would be.
Hello Linda, so good to hear from you! Thanks for the pics you are certainly a lovely lady. Where is the outdoor picture from, almost looks like San Fran.
So some answers for you yes but first it doesn't appear you've looked at my profile on Ash Mad, you know you can see who's taken a peak these days. Perhaps you would have picked up on some things about me. Obviously I peaked at you and you sent me the virtual gift but I'd love to hear your thoughts on what I've written.
OK, enough of that here goes:
1)Where are you from ?? I'm from right here where I'm sitting of course. Well that's a lie, I'm at work but I'm from about 10 miles away. Well even that's not quite correct. I was born in the Deep South so I have a bit of an accent and a deep sense of honor and how to be polite and most importantly how to treat a lady. Other than that my current location is as you are the NOVA area.
2)How old are you?? I have not fibbed too much on my AM profile. My disconnects there are more due to plausible deniability. I am in fact 4*.
3)How did discover this side of you? In my opinion discover shouldn't live in the past tense. I prefer to think I am discovering, and perhaps we will discover each other!
4)Do you live alone? No
5)What do you do for a living? Work mostly! I am in, let's say, the hospitality business and work as, in, and around ****** *********. Often I'm found doing that which others don't wish to do and for that they are usually rather appreciative.
6)Where do you live currently? I guess I answered that above didn't I. I live in the Greater DC area, not too far from where you list your profile. I believe we would come up in a 50 mile radius of one another in an AM search.
7)What's your name?? Ryan Beaumont is who I go by out here in the social ether world. I've wanted for some time to meet someone as Ryan rather than who I am in real life.
8)Do you live in a rented or owned home? OMG, am I doing a re-fi here??? :) I own about 25% of my house, a company called Quicken claims they have the deed to the other 75%. But in just 18 years it's all mine!
9)Do you have any disability ??(not a problem though) NO, and I have a solid BMI of 22, so I'm quite well fit.
10)How long have you been into this lifestyle? Um..., never and yet perhaps always but as I've explored AM and Blogging I've come to consider many new things in life. 11)How long have you been on the site and how many Mistresses have youexchange emails with? I've been on AM for about 4 years and met five ladies.
12)Have you served any Mistress? I've served many mistresses in many capacities, service is a relative term. Sometimes service is a chore, sometimes it's a joy. I prefer to think of this as exploration.
13)What are your subject of limit?? I'm not a fan of broken bones and I like to keep things within the boundaries of minor wounds at worst! But I do like to please. Most people would say my limits are pinning me down to specifics, I tend to be open minded and march to the beat of a different drummer.
14)What are some of things you like to do to relax in terms of hobbies, sports, music, etc? Kayaking, swimming, running, working out, college sports, blogging, reading, and chasing Mistresses! :)
I'll tell you Linda, I'm an out of the box choice if you are interested and maybe we'll just chat. Take a read of my blog and let me know your thoughts.
The one thing that bothered me though was that she had yet to view my profile on AM. Or at least when I logged on and clicked "who's viewed me," she did not turn up. I assumed this was all hocus pocus but I was having fun playing, not realizing I was probably in one of those "pourquoi stories" I was talking about above. But for the moment it was fun thinking that I might find may way into some sexy BDSM thing and maybe turn Mrs Dom into a sub; that would be a real turn on pour moi!
Anyway, Estella replied the next day. Oh the for real pictures of Ryan I did send her were with sunglasses though, I'm not that stupid. My ego demands I say that to verify the fact that her response was to the real me! I know, I've got a big head! :)
Hello slave ..i am satisfy with your reply and your pictures...if you serious in serving me you must follow the following....
Rules and guidelines to be totally committed and loyal to me.
Rules you must follow.
1. You must ALWAYS address me as Mistress.
2. You must ALWAYS be honest with me.
3. You must NEVER doubt or argue with my decisions.
4. You must NEVER do anything without permission.
5. You must STOP your search for any other Mistresses.
If you are ready to follow the rules..Then i will enjoy being your guide, mentor and teacher on your journey of life.. However you would
be punished when it is needed.Reply and let me know if you are ready to follow the rules..
This was getting fun, although she could afford to have some grammer lessons. I wonder how much punishment she would dispense if I questioned her writing skills. Anyway, I replied thusly: OH My Mistress,
See I'm already doing point #1!
Yes, I'll mostly be honest with you, probably always. It's just that it's hard to pin me down to anything, I'm kind of like a politician in many ways.
Permission? I don't know, perhaps. Sometimes I'm not so good with following directions. Perhaps it's that march to the beat of a different drummer in me. My third grade teacher called me her little diablo because I have a tendency to be a little bit of a rascal. What are you going to do to me if I misbehave a little bit? Guys do tend to misbehave you know, it's kind of in our DNA I think!
I'll love to hear those rules now. But do remember as one fine mistress once said "if you follow all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun!" Can you deal with a little misbehavior? :)
Anyway, kind of thinking of that one picture of you working at your desk. I see some hand cream to your side. Perhaps I could pull that skirt down and rub some of that along your inner thigh and see where that leads.
Take care and have a wonderful evening my mistress,
Ryan
Hey, I was proud of myself; notice the little bit of kink I threw in? I was having fun, hoping to find out how she was going to punish sush a wascally wabbit such as myself! But she still hadn't checked out my AM profile, curious.
The next day Estella wrote back. Btw, with all this terse slave talk, in spite of her cute pics, I was hearing her (or him for all I knew) as Harvey Fierstein (with that gravely voice). IDK, I'm silly that way.
Hello slave, I am happy to see you are ready to comply to my way and rules and regulations. i can see you are ready to serve and obey me without questioning my order.The only thing you have to do is you must obey me and follow my lead, the moment I sense disrespect or disobedience from you,that's the end.I want you to keep this in your mind, we will keep the relationship strictly professional from the beginning but as time goes on , you will know how much of a caring and loving mistress i can be.but first it's mandatory for you to pay a standard Training Consultancy Fee (TCF) of $200,the purpose of this is to be able to establish a working understandable relationship aside from the professional nature of the lifestyle,with the fee I will be able to draft out the Mistress/Slave agreement,the right tools to be able to meet your fetishes requirement and make the necessary plans in collaring you,let me know when you are willing and ready to go forward with it and after that we will agree on when it will be convenient to begin meeting and a suitable venue most preferable a public place or straight at my dungeon. The tools and toys I will buy will be the finest quality: handcrafted, and sturdy. They include cuffs, gags, blindfolds, hoods, straight jackets, binders, suspension harnesses, inflatables, body-bags, ball stretchers, clamps, electro-devices, whips, paddles, straps, canes, quirts, and much more.My bondage furniture is custom designed to my specifications. Functional and aesthetic, they are heavy duty, inescapable and versatile. They must be seen and experienced to be properly appreciated. I am continually upgrading and adding to my collection,that is why it is required you pay the fee so that I can plan very well for your training sessions and I will know the tools I will have to get.Let me know if you are ready for this slave.
Ah, well there you go. She brought in the almighty $! Does it always have to come to that?
Well I wrote back:
Dang Mistress Linda,
You had me at hello! But ball stretchers? Don't you think you should check mine out first?! I may not need any stretching, I'm pretty buff as I am.
Hey your AM profile listed you as 95 pounds, you must really be ripped. Is you body fat % about -2%. How do you keep your slaves in line with such a small frame, are you a black belt?
Let's keep talking though, you do realize you are communicating with a famed international blogging man of mystery, right!? :)
Take care and stay out of the cold? Are you conducting any special experiments tomorrow night!
Abatingly Yours,
Ryan
Unfortunately I believe I had annoyed Mistress Estella enough at that point. I did not hear from her again.
But I did learn that if a 95# female Dom sends you a gift on AM, curiosity may not kill you but it will cost you $200 to get your balls stretched or a good spanking!
I guess I've not quite figured out what all the domination and submission stuff is all about. I get it, it's about trust and giving yourself over to someone. But couldn't we all just trust one another while we screw and politely say how nice we all look and feel and achieve the same end? I don't know call me old school.
But see, I always learn and I always find a way to land on my feet! :)
"Oh well, we'll travel round the world just you and me punk rock girl!"
when all through my britches no stud muffin had cum, not even a lick. My black bra looked right and my vagina was ripe And I had hopes that a hot guy would soon be in sight My vibrator was stuffed away in the drawer by my bed As I rather had vision of Lenny Kravitz giving me head.
Around my thigh was a garter and I was mostly in stripper's swag
And now I was ready for a man and long winters shag
When at my door there came a loud ding dong OMG, that guy's ripped and oh what a shlong! Through my room he ran naked quite in a flash and he said we best get busy fast in a dash. For as the late moon shines upon my sweat gleamed chest, my luster's gone too soon, at midnight to pumpkin I'll be next. And just in fact then did my eyes see to appear that beautiful face went Orange and with a Jack-o-Lantern'ish sneer. Dare I say witchcraft, oh bother, as I look south my God what a prick, and I knew in a moment I'd be riding that big stick. More rapid than pumpkin pie mixing in a bowl he stuck one finger in and shouted what a nice juicy hole. Now *uck me, now suck me, I'll now be your vixen; now cum on me cum on me, squirt that big load On top of the toaster, up against the wall! Now pump away, pump away, pump in me all! Yes this is some type of witchcraft to turn his face pumpkin full but it matters not to me, he *ucks like an bull. So off with my corset and my clothes they flew, for he had brought a bag full of sex toys and knew their use too And then I felt a twinkling slowly dance up my thighs As his tongue pranced its way past my knees and on up high
As I grabbed that big head and then turned around from behind me he mounted and I heard that smacking sound Into the mirror I admired that he had on not a stitch as sweat made his chest shiny as brass but he wore that pumpkin grin as he slapped down on my ass
Now onto those toys he gave not a hint
but with that smile and orange hat he sure looked like a pimp. How delightful to see those triangle eyes twinkle as he humped
but oh my did that candle in there have to go up his rump?
Now out of that big naughty grin came a row
as he came on my back like a layer of snow
He then reached in his bag and pulled out a tool and slyly said, there's still one more rule His tool had two prongs and was long and round and it shook while he laughed and squirted out jelly He said, you've only come once and I want more from your muff I'll *uck both sides of you at once with this that should be enough
With a wink of his eye and a thrust of his rod he was at once 8 inches into my ass and my pussy, Oh GOD!
He was again behind me and still hard at work and while pumping me fast I came again hard with a jerk
And placing one last finger inside me And giving a nod, he then ran toward the door apparently to flee
Yes he had came and now went onto other ladies to bask but I did not think him a jerk 'cause wow that golden prick had sure done it's task But I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight,
Happy Hallow'd Eve to all and to all a good night!
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