Thursday, October 23, 2014

Stranger in a Strange Land

I don't travel often but I travel enough to know what drudgery it can be.   Shannon travels every week and nothing pleases her more than to let me know how easy I have it and how rough her life is on the road.  Shannon is one of those people that isn't happy unless she is bitching about something but I do know she speaks the truth when it comes to crappy airport food.

Sometimes I tag along with Shannon on her travels.  She gets a lot of points and sometimes she likes to have a personal valet/concierge.  Well really, it's just me so perhaps I'm more like having her own personal Turtle!  :)

Anyway Shannon and I are both pretty much foodies so we tend to analyze a lot when we do travel.  Airport food for the most part is pretty sucky. But like me sometimes you get surprised and astonished that something likely to be so sucky can actually be somewhat satisfying!

In that vein I bring to you:

Ryan's Not So Sucky Bests of Airport Food

I know, your first thought, is this going to be like that little 85 year old ladies critique of Olive Garden that went viral?  No, it will be worse and God help us if I ever go viral!

Anyway, as an independent Kansan once said "you get the impression that the people don't like the food on the left or right side of the terminal.."  Oh wait, I think the Independent Senate candidate from Kansas said that but Dorothy did say "there's no place like home."

#1 - For us that no place like home is at the BWI Airport.  I know, I know you guys were thinking I was a Dullas kind of guy.  Dullas is much improved since they got rid of those Star Wars style people movers but on the whole getting into and out of that place is a nightmare and cheap Ryan hates to pay that $5.25 to the Greenway.  Reagan you say?  Brother that's inside the Beltway and have you seen the traffic over the Key Bridge?  Screw that!

No, for an easy in and out BWI is the way to go around the Nation's Capital.  And if you are there you got to hit the Silver Diner between the A and B gates.  Ryan loves diner food and the Silver Diner is a real throwback and usually has fast and fairly friendly service.  The menu is very moderately priced and the portions are gi-normous so Shannon and I usually split an entree.  And what is good on the menu?  Well, I'd love to list several items but when we are there, there is only one thing we ever order and that is the spectacular Crab Cake Omelet - delish.  Actually looking at their menu I'm not sure if it's still there (tragedy).  But they are always very locally sourced and have plenty of healthy options and the girls love the pancakes!

#2 - I've never gone to Denver but it has been on my way to other places several times.  But for a place I'm never going to, the airport is really nice; almost a place I'd like to be going too!  The Timberline Grille at the C gate is a real pleasure.  Well maybe the pleasure it's getting off the plane after a 4 hour flight from BWI while listening to that two year old crap his pants three times!  But outside of stretching my legs I now look forward to a layover in Denver to get a decent meal, a cold beer, and a view of the mountains.

Well anyway, the Timberline Grille has many great menu items but my fav is the Almond Crusted Rocky Mountain Trout.  Is there anything else good though?? DUH!

Caramel Bacon Donut Holes - YIKES!
Incredible Nachos and wonderful Fruit and Cheese Platter (wait Ryan, remember you are trying to impress the ladies don't go all fru fru foodie on us)
Elk Medallions or Wild Boar Tenderloins - just in case you are Grizzly Adams returning from Aspen!
Mexicali Burger with Guac and Pico - holy frijoli!
The Mile High Club - You know it had to be there so if the Stewardess turned you down on that quickie over Nebraska and between peanut service here's your second chance!  Here it's just a triple-decker turkey, ham, and bacon sandwich
But if you are really horny, slurp down an order of Rocky Mountain Oysters.  Tea-bagging was never so easy, here it's breaded and deep fried!  Yep, they got 'em, google it if you dare!

Here is a little more info on the Timberline

#3 - Silks Saratoga Bistro - in the immortal words of Ryan "I don't often travel to Albany but when I do I like to drink a Dos Equis and have a fresh Bacon and Cheddar Jack burger with fries!"  I know that was bad.  But really, I know a lot of you won't be traveling to Albany soon but this is a really cute place, great service, and really good burgers!

Other Ryan Favs:

*     Under the tag line of "Unexpected," the Detroit airport is surprisingly nice and they have a restaurant dedicated to just Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches!  I know PB & J's are so 10 years ago, but it was cool then and I suspect it's still cool now.

*     In the name of celebrating the Holy Trinity of Ryan food favs (BBQ, hot dogs, pizza) whenever Ryan is in MDW or ORD he always has to have a CHD!  That's a Chicago hot dog for those of you who don't speak airport code lingo!  Vienna Beef is the best and all the way please!

*     In terms of a Silver Lining playbook, if you are sad to be leaving SoCal and you are at John Wayne Airport go to Ruby's Diner.  It's almost as good as NoCal's Mel's Diner and the milkshakes are orgasmic, almost as good as that blow job from the girl playing Marilyn Monroe at Grumman's Chinese Theater!  :)

You know if you have a best, you have to have a worst.  And what's the worst you say?  Well when it comes to airports O'Hare and Atlanta usually get the worst raps.  But Chicago has hot dogs, Atlanta has the unending purgatory of train shuttles and the smell of that poor guy who's been delayed two days trying to get a Delta connection to Des Moins.  Hot-lanta is a great city and Ryan has had some good times down there before, but the airport is dirty, smelly, and WAY too large.  Avoid it if you can.  And by avoid it it means don't fly anywhere in the southeast as you can't fly anywhere in the south without connecting through Atlanta or Charlotte!  Oh wait, Charlotte is my third worst airport for being too damn expensive, I guess best policy don't fly south for the winter!  :(

Well, the only place almost as shitty as Atlanta would be Vegas.  The hords of sweat-suit wearing gramma locusts keep the airport constantly crowded to the point that you are lucky just to score a Subway BMT during the 10 minutes you have on the ground before you have to hop on the four hour leg back to BWI.  Oh God please make sure that 4 year old got over the shits while he was in Phoenix, I can't take that again!  :)

Anyway, good luck in your travels.

1 comment:

Same sassy girl said...

I don't travel much but this makes me want to go just to try the food!