"I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis"
But really in my continual pursuit to rip off any decent blogging idea and turn it into, well, that stuff my neighbor's cat did in my garage the other day, I am prepared to do a book report.
As I remember Riff did a book report once. Of course he did his report on a book about Open Marriage. To be fair I don't think he really read the book, I think he admitted that. I think he did what I usually do and that's read the first and last page and the jacket and then look up a few blurbs on-line. That's probably what I'll do here.
I think someone like Advizor once did a post about that 50 Shades Book not too long ago. But now I can't quite remember if he said that he in fact read it or if he was just talking about looking at all the hot ladies who were reading that book. Speaking of Advizor, check him out this and next week as he will be taking over FFF for the indefinity future!
But anyway, it's in fact that book that I am discussing today!
A Book Report on that 50 Shades Book by Ryan Beaumont
I have to admit I was not really interested in the book. After all, I really don't read very much. Why read when you can watch Honey Boo Boo on TV! :)
But I'm always about the women you know. And it seems all the chicks really dig this book. They really dig Pinterest too but I looked at that site and there were no "pins" for chasing MILF's, eating BBQ, or watching college football so I decided to pass. But this 50 Shades thing seemed like a real winner so I thought I better check it out and try to understand why all these chicks dig it so much. Maybe it could help me in pursuit of those things I couldn't "pin" on Pinterest (namely those hot MILF's)!
So this past weekend since I had time on my hands (God knows I wasn't fightin' that Black Friday crowd at Tyson Square) I went by our neighborhood Target, you know the one 50% of our Net Worth goes to each week and picked up a copy. Yes Shannon has a bad Target habit that she is trying to get rid of by getting into a bad Wegman's habit!
But I'm just rambling now, let's get onto that 50 Shades Book!
So as I started the book I was not sure how I'd feel. Was I looking for entertainment or an eduction? I have to admit I am not really a kinky BDSM kind of guy. I'm a romantic or perhaps a silly romantic scoundrel in that Rhett Butler mold. Well really it's just that I have enough trouble getting that dang bra unclasped so I sure was never into tying someone or something up. But as I said I needed to find out what the fuss was about so off I went.
"How have I gotten myself into this?" It started out. Immediately I felt welcome though slightly threatened. I too was bewildered and looking for answers.
But the tagline alone drew me in as well, "A young free range chick..." and "a dominating, ravenous...." OMG so hot!
Within the first page the writer speaks of the heroine's rescuer laying her gently on a countertop, mesmerizing her with his hands, and coolly asking "you like my collection" as he displays his instruments of pain and pleasure. Yes this would be educational and entertaining!
I was drawn in, I couldn't stop reading now even if I wanted to.
Each chapter was elegantly and efficiently written. Each with a sultry story with succulence dripping from each page. Each escapade was like a lesson on pleasure with simple ingredients and minimal directions to follow. Each yielding ecstasy to the pallet.
And so the pages flew by. "Dripping thighs," "spanked breasts," and legs bound and tied. Multiple recipes for spanking, whipping, basting, pounding with the end result of erect appendages, "steamy white (or dark) meat," and "sticky fingers."
Me being a bit of the scoundrel in search of a demure chick to transform was most taken by the Coquettish Croquettes! Five easy steps to fluffy puffs of juicy breast meat bursting with a slight Creole flavor that always feels so delightful in my mouth! Yes, I could easily imaging enjoying this Coquette on some elegant inn balcony overlooking Bourbon Street.
Yes "50 Shades of Chicken" is a culinary delight with a lot of fun written transformations surrounding the adventures of our poultry heroine. The recipes are very easy to follow, simple and succinct, and don't involve a large number of ingredients and none of them will kill you at your local Kroger, Wegmans, Giant, Piggly Wiggly, Publix, or wherever you shop.
Oh, btw the title to today's post is from that Cher Lloyd song that has been so popular recently. I used to beat drums occasionally back in the day so I like percussion. I think it's so funny that in this song Cher's screams are a percussion instrument. Listen, she screams on the 4th beat of every 4th measure!
Yeah I "never had much game...grrrr"
For each question answered, an accompanying story would be entertaining. Delight us!
Unfortunately I've not had sex with Kate
1. Have you ever had sex with someone famous or who later became famous, if only locally?
It's funny that you ask. We just did this over atKat's Sex Blog Chain earlier this month. No I have not but here is my fantasy sex with a famous person post. There was this girl I knew in high school that I was told liked me. I'm pretty sure she would have gone out with me had I asked but I didn't. Not sure why I didn't but the fact that I was a dipshit probably contributed to that choice. She was in fact very attractive. Later, I found out she was an advisor to Dick Chaney. I saw a picture of her with him in an alumni magazine. Politics aside she was still really HOT! My bad!
2. In the spirit of Six Degrees of Separation, have you had sex with someone who had sex with someone who had sex with someone who . . . someone famous?
Again, the answer is no but funny you should ask. In that fantasy post above I do mention that my wife had a simi-famous former boy friend. Here is a post about that.
3. In the opposite direction, have you had sex with someone whose name you didn’t know?
No, should I be embarrased about that fact? :)
4. Someone whose name you knew then but have forgotten?
No, but I recently wrote about some old flames. I'm Facebook friends with several but here is a post about my first time that was somewhat embarrasing. I do remember her name but I am not Facebook friends with her and have no idea where she is today.
5. Someone who you suspect may have forgotten you?
I suspect most of them have forgotten me or at least tried. Many have not I am sure as I am, after all, kind of like that itch that keeps coming back and never goes away! :)
Bonus question: Someone you wish you could forget?
Why would we want to forget any of our past experiences. I love that quote from "Meet the Robinson's," "from failure we learn, success not so much." I rejoice in failure, it makes us who we are. In retrospect I tend to remember the failures more than the success and just laugh at them. In a lot of ways the successes led to failures later on but the failures led to successes later on. So in hindsight the failures are really the success.
————- How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
"Is that too much to ask for?"
I had thought about making today's post title from the Pearl Jam song "Better Man." It's another one of my favorites from them and would have made for a nice trilogy of Pearl Jam songs for my end of summer Sandee posts. But I heard that Depeche Mode song "See You" on First Wave the other day. Depeche Mode is Richard Blade's favorite band. I thought the song fit for today.
But before I do anything else I want to congratulate PonyBoy, Tempting Sweets, Vanilla Mom, and Naughty Kitty for their inclusion in Rori's annual Top 100 Sex Bloggers. That is quite an accomplishment! Well, congratulations to all that were included but those above are the one's I tend to follow so I'm proud of them. I'm particularly proud of Pony since his inclusion means there is hope for us ex-jocks of the world! :)
Anyway, looking over the "Better Man" lyrics they don't seem like Sandee at all; although perhaps Shannon.
"She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...." "She loved him, yeah...she don't want to leave this way..."
Yeah those are more Shannon than Sandee.
No, late summer was not a melancholy Pearl Jam song for me. It wasn't a dark Depeche Mode song either but "See You" is not one of their typical dark songs. Even though the song is from the perspective of a guy singing about a girl he hasn't seen in five years, it does have a hopeful beat! I guess that is how I feel about Sandee. Sometimes it does feel like a long time between times that I see her but I am always hopeful to see her again.
Late summer was indeed a nice time for us. Sandee and I got back into a rhythm. And it was not all about sex either. In fact most of the time we met we were just kayaking or walking. We even went to see The Campaign, we had been looking forward to sharing a Will Ferrell movie together for a long time. It was the second movie we had seen, we saw the Hunger Games together earlier.
Those were some blissful weeks. Paddling along a river next to Sandee bathed in the warmth of the summer sun and seeing her golden hair reflect the light from that afternoon sun was such peace.
Often we would paddle over to the banks at some point. Alone, we would just sit and talk and often drift into more as the cover of the foliage might provide. On the other side of the river we were in another state. Of course that physical presence was overshadowed by the spiritual travels we made to that other state of peace on those banks that was separate from the life we lead on the other side of that river. For those moments we were warmed by the sun and by each other. Sandee always says I'm a calming influence on her. I am glad of that. It calms me to be that calming influence for her.
I felt connected to her at this point. I was not sure where this would lead but I knew I needed her in my life as a friend or lover. I could take either as long as I had days like this to look forward to and to enjoy.
So as summer fadded to fall all I really wanted to do right then was to see Sandee again.
Take a listen to that Depeche Mode song. It starts out with a typical Depeche techno sound but then bleeds into a very Beetlesque sound in the chorus.
It's Thanksgiving tomorrow so time to think about the 3 F's to Thanksgiving. No that is not an invitation to do an FFF this week, although you should - Advisor has been working hard at keeping that alive no thanks to me. No to me the 3 F's of Thanksgiving are Food, Family, and Football (not necessarily in that order). I'm not really in the mood for a food post today so I will leave you with a link to my Thanksgiving food post last year HERE, and my famous Pumpkin Pie recipe to the right. -------------> :)
So let me move onto Family or rather relationships or really relationships with your spouse. Well, I'll probably digress first with a sport analogy so that I can work in the other F (football) which is of course the most important of all those F's. So because I care so much for "you" I'll have worked in all the "F"'s for "U's" by the end. Btw, thinking about football tomorrow "GO Redskins, "FU" Dallas!" :)
I read a lot of blogs. Some talk about the exhaustion of tired relationships. Some talk about the hope for something better and reflect on what the spouse could do to meet half way.
But let me digress for a moment and mention something a little deeper about myself that will help my point. After all many I come into contact with in my real life know that I'm nothing without a good sports analogy. In my business I interact with athletics often. Over the years I have seen teams go through pre-game meetings, meals, and warm-ups. I have read about teams the talking heads favored yet seen defeat in their eyes as they got ready to take the field. I have seen winless teams for some reason find the gumption and determination to excel and finally win a game. I have seen teams know exactly what they needed to do to execute a game plan that will exploit an opponent's weakness and then go out there and do it and it was beautiful. Talent will keep you in games but winning often just comes down to diligence, motivation, and desire. Yes, sometimes it really does come down to who "wants it" more. Or as is my point for today, "who is cheering for one another."
I've been thinking about this post really for almost 5 years because it's a topic I discussed so many years ago in a marriage counselors office. Really it was a question I posed. That question is:
Are you rooting for your spouse?
Well really I was bitching to the therapist and saying that I didn't think Shannon was rooting for me.
So after that really big intro- what a silly little question. But much like that sports analogy you can have the best quarterback in the world, you can have a screen pass called on a maximum blitz, but if you don't execute it's all for naught. And execution often comes down to that diligence, motivation, and desire.
So I ask again: "are you rooting for your spouse?"
Now let me 'splain.
Think of those words diligence, motivation, and desire. Don't they sound like nouns you'd like to apply to your marriage or any relationship.
Diligence - Careful and persistent work or effort
Motivation - The general desire or willingness of someone to do something
Desire - A strong feeling of wanting to have something
Are you diligently pursuing your spouse, are you strongly motivated to be with them, do you have a strong desire of wanting to be with them.
Now jump back to football. I'll give you sneak peak of my December Blog Chain post for Kat. It involves a big football game, the Big Easy, and the holidays. My team, Big State U, was playing in a big-time bowl game in the Big Easy many years ago. I got tickets because I wanted to see BSU on that national spot-light and of course I wanted to be with Shannon in the Big Easy. It was hard to get tickets, this was way before EBay and StubHub. But I found them and we decided to go.
No, this is not BSU
Think how hard I worked to get those tickets to see Big State U in NOLA. Think how much I wanted to see them. Think of the strong feeling of pride I had when Big State took the field and our fans cheered. I was cheering for my team with pride as well as diligence, motivation, and desire. In that game BSU got down early but we still cheered. We were just proud that we were there no matter the score on the board. Luckily, BSU caught fire late and clawed their way back into the game. BSU pulled ahead early in the 4th quarter on an electrifying punt return and ended up winning.
OK so now back to that family F and spouses.
"Are you cheering for your spouse?"
OK psych, I'm still on sports analogies. So if you are in fact cheering for your spouse are you sending in the right plays? Do you truly wish to see your spouse succeed or would it just be easier for them to fail and then be justified in your disappointment and thus the choice to move on in life.
What I was trying to communicate to that therapist and to Shannon is that I felt she was not cheering for me. She had wishes for a better marriage but did she really want me to be the one to provide those and win her over. Perhaps it was easier to pigeon hole me into a certain category of disdain and then not have to worry about when the marriage was better and thus be ready to have a more intimate relationship. Sometimes we just get comfortable with the distance.
Of course sometimes we do in fact have to move on in life. When you stop cheering you have stopped hoping.
So in the final analysis if your marriage was a game would you be rooting for your spouse or the other team? Or more importantly "is your spouse rooting for YOU!?"
Of course the answer (right) is that too often marriages are a one BIG damn game and it's that very fact that makes them a challenge! :)
And of course you are asking "Ryan can I get the last 10 minutes of my life back because you wrote this big long piece of written diarhea just to ask a silly stinkin' question!" :)
And so for a silly stupid post here is a silly song performed by England's (supposed) answer to Elvis!
Did you know that Guitar World magazine put this song (Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam) in their 100 greatest guitar solo's of all time. Something to think about from a guy who rarely thinks!
Apparently the song is sung from the perspective of a man singing about the tragedy of his brother dieing in a war. A rather melancholy thought to include in a post about Sandee.
But I wanted a lyric about a sandy beachy thought and I like Pearl Jam so there you go.
First of all when I re-read my post last Monday I realized that I was not exactly clear about what I was refusing or even what Sandee's test was. Of course once I realized that I was glad because I certainly didn't want to clarify as I would much rather create confusion to enhance the story.
I guess I will now clarify. Sandee had given me an easy out. She said she understood if I wanted to pursue someone who was more certain of what they wanted. Her superficial wish was for me to let her find her own way through the challenges of her life and marriage. Passing her test would have been to move on and back to Ashley Madison which as I wrote about I did consider.
But in the end I failed or refused, however you want to look at it. I was the varmint, and thus I failed her test by refusing to go away. I couldn't walk away from someone who really did bring joy into my life and who I so enjoyed pleasing.
So on a hot Friday night in July I had to work. We finished a bit early so I had some time to spare. As we were finishing I sent a text to Sandee, "Can you come out and play by the river; leaving for work in about 30 mins. Can you meet at our spot?"
I didn't assume that she could come out on a moments notice but I was pleasantly surprised when she texted back "sure."
So about 30 minutes later we met at our "spot" and began a moonlit walk along a river.
But we didn't walk for long. After a few minutes we found a path down to the river banks slightly hidden by bushes and small trees. I sat down on a rock and she sat on my lap and we kissed for a long time. She moved her hands down and started fondling me below the belt. I loosened my belt to encourage her. She slowly slithered down to her knees before me keeping eye contact and giving me a vixen-like smirk as her hands felt their way to my waist and she unzipped my pants and slid them down.
Sandee gently ran her soft hands along the shaft of me. She then kissed my dick and said "so lovely" as she looked up again and smiled. Her smile I could just barely make out in the broken gleam of the moonlight peaking through the few pieces of space left by the dense growth of trees hanging over those river banks.
She then ever so slowly and gently moved her mouth over me. In slow rhythm she moved forward over me and then slowly retreated back, her tongue gently massaging the underside. With the warmth of the night air this felt like an exotic spa. She was so beautiful as her blond hair glistened in that remnant of moonlight.
It would not have taken long for me finish right there and there but I wanted her to be with me in that end. I gently rubbed her shoulders as she moved over me and eventually motioned her back up. But I didn't invite her back up to my lap. I now moved down to her and unloosed her pants. Moving my hands inside and inside of her. I kissed her now naked belly and moved lower.
After she began to sigh I stood up and gave her a brief kiss but rotated slowly behind her gliding her pants down now below her knees. I moved my hand to her waist again and pressed my fingers into her. She arched her back and I now kissed her as well, my head hovering above her small stature.
As my right fingers were inside of her and my left hand held her waist firm to my hips I instinctively grinded against her from behind.
In sequence I guided her as she retreated forward with her arms to that rock before us, the same rock that I had sat upon.
From that point I slowly moved into her from behind. She was so wet it was not hard in spite of the difficult surroundings. Only a slight sigh signaled that transition into her. It did not take long as the simple foreplay had us close to orgasm.
After, we cleaned up slightly and she came back to my lap on that rock. We kissed some more, laughed a little, and talked about our day. Just then we heard some other laughter perhaps some other couple with the same thought in mind.
It was getting late and we needed to get back home. And perhaps we needed to lend privacy to that other couple who wished soon to be where we had been moments before.
I had to leave Sandee and head back home but what a delightful summer moonlight stroll! :)
I guess I started this post thinking beach and now I'm thinking moonlight...
"Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way
Two drifters, off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see We're after that same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me"
But here is that Top 100 guitar solo from Pearl Jam:
There is a elder-care building next to the school that my children attend but I'll get to that in a moment. We live nearby so either Shannon or I drop our girls off every morning. There is always a long line of cars waiting in the "drop-off" line, mostly stay at home mom's who prefer to take their kids into school. Of course there are some parents, like myself, who are dropping off on their way to work.
None of that is really the focus of this post though. About a year ago my girls noticed that there is a gentlemen who resides on the upper floor of the retirement community who watches the kids going to school every day. We don't know who he is and can't really make out his face but we know he's there by his shadowy image in the window. One could think this odd but we choose to find it comforting knowing that he is there watching over the kids as they go to school everyday.
We've wondered aloud who he is, what his life was like. Was he a teacher perhaps, did he take his kids to school?
Does he enjoy watching the kids going to school or is he just bored?
Of course in spite of what you might think from this blog I do often think of things. I often think of the man for a few minutes as I pull out of the parking lot and change the satellite radio from Disney to First Wave and before I begin thinking about my work day.
What was this man's life like? Did he have a family? As he looks on the children every day does he look upon them in joy and fulfillment of a life well spent or does he look upon them in sadness of time gone by?
I don't know but I do think of that Gensis song and wonder about those men on the corner or in those windows. I know the times I have been in elder-care homes the residents always seem so glad that anyone cares. They are drawn to any energy or life force that comes near. In that they are no different than any of us. I find myself even now stopping when I see a local daycare walking kids to the library and remember when it was my kids going to story time. Kids are a natural energy and life force that we all tend to be drawn to like a lost spirit drawn to an otherworldly light.
I think, one of these days I might be that man looking out of a window at life. Hopefully I will have created enough memories to feel good and enjoy watching and reflecting at the joyous progression of humanity.
I thought that title might be an attention grabber
So I left my Sandee story here the last time I spoke of her. So how does "varmint" lyrics enter into a story about Sandee? Well, think about the author first, varmint could involve a lot of things I might get into or even be a very appropriate descriptor of your's truly.
But that is in fact a line from Pearl Jam's "Corduroy." I think that might be my favorite Pearl Jam song and of course Pearl Jam is one of my all time favorite bands. Well, I like Yellow Ledbetter as well, I think I might fit that song into my next Sandee post. I also really like Daughter. And a little secret, my first Ashley Madison caption was a lyric from their song Wishlist.
"I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on..."
At the time I thought it was so edgy and Gen X/hipsterish but yeah, too beta and touchy feely. Of course thinking back to that song "I wish I was a Neutron bombfor once I could go off," would have been good!Oh yeah and this would be cool too, "I wish I was the full moon shining off your Camaro's hood," damn that would be so awesome to meet a woman on AM with a Camaro!
I do think I settled onto a good one though in the end from Waylon Jennings; simple and too the points, "Just to Satisfy You." I'm all about service you know.
But I'm rambling now, today's post is not about AM profiles it is about Sandee and the summer.
Of course there are plenty of lyrics in Corduroy that could apply to my relationship with Sandee.
"The waiting drove me mad, you're finally here and I'm a mess..."
"Can't let you roam inside my head..."
"I don't want to hear from those who know..." - that's for you Kat! :)
Oh well, I like "I'll take the varmint's path." It continues on to say "oh and I must refuse your test..."
So about mid-June this past summer Sandee decided that we should put things on the back burner for the second time or maybe it was the third; I had lost count. This time I thought perhaps I should just fade out like I did with Sandra. I even ventured back onto AM and tried a little Facebook flirting. But my career got in the way of a lot of summer-time adventuring as I implied.
So what was I left with? A little time but not a lot, some perspective, and of course the fact that within a week I really missed Sandee. Bottom line, she is fun; too damn much fun!
I won't go into details but Sandee had some challenges over those late June weeks and I felt compelled to lend a hand. That started the daily laugh of Will Ferrell YouTube attachment e-mails back and forth.
Inevitably that led to a casual walk along the river. We both had an hour to kill, what was the harm.
Of course a few walks led to plans for another kayaking trip. Unfortunately something got in the way of our first boat trip. Sandee wrote this:
Aw Ryan, I'm sorry but i have to nix our yakkin' plans already. :( I thought he was leaving Wed, but it's actually Thurs. I guess that's what happens when there is next to no communication. At this point in the game, I don't want to raise any red flags. Know what I mean??
I'm done Thur @noon, and free & clear after that, but I know you said you were busy. So I guess if it can't work, I'll see you on Friday.
Feel free to holler, scream, and/or slap me! go ahead, Ryan---you know you want to ---I can take it! (eyes squeezed shut waiting for the pain...) ;)
Seriously though, I'm Sorry, S
Wow, Sandee; what a cool cool lady. I could never get mad at her. I guess I would just have to wait for Friday!
So yes I am/was/would be a "varmint." Sandee had said she had a lot on her plate and needed space to work out her life. I should have accepted that, but unfortunately "I must refuse your test."
So some time has come and gone since the election. And yes I am elated that our Pres won re-election. I have enjoyed all the pundits breaking down the demographics and talking about the new America that we live in. I have marveled at David Plouffe and how he executed President Obama's re-election campaign to perfection. And God did I love Megan Kelly dissing on Karl Rove - Classic!
But as usual I find that stuff ultimately a bit mundane. I long to discuss (or rant as the truth may be) about other stuff, more weighty to a shallow philistine such as myself! :)
Of these, the initiatives in Massachusetts, Montana, and Ohio were relatively boring to me. What got in my craw were those two initiatives in California. They got me thinking which, of course, is always a dangerous thing!
But first let me say I have traveled to California on several occasions. I love it; it's always fun to visit. As an East-Coaster you definitely get that feeling "I ain't in Kansas anymore" when you are over there. Of course it's not so much like going to another country, that would be New Orleans.
No with California you get the feeling that you might be on a different PLANET! But of course I tease, I do love Cali - but it is weird!
So here is my analysis on those funny California ballot initiatives with my own special Ryan style takes or rather counter-proposals. But I do wonder how California let Colorado and Washington (state) get out ahead on pot. Wow, the Entourage gang would be so disappointed. I can see the Turtle Campaign posters for Cannabis equality so vividly!
Initiative #1 - Labeling of Genetically Modified Ingredients in all foods you purchase
The Benefit - consumers get to know what we are putting into our bodies. Surely we need to know what drugs and hormones were fed to the livestock we eat. Sadly, the measure was voted down 53-47. But California, perhaps we should consider more relevant initiatives next time!
Ryan's Counter-Proposal Initiative: OK so I am concerned with what I eat, food translates to how one feels - it fuels our bodies. But this ain't the Greater DC area we are talking about, this is California so I gotta think we have better "modified" things that should be labeled in that great state for the benefit of the public!
* You're worried about genetic modification but don't you think we should be labeling "non-genetically enhanced" tits. I mean as a guy I like a woman with curves and chances are I'm not really going to care anyway if "you've had work done." But in fairness shouldn't we have the opportunity to know.
She/he looks like Lady Gaga! Not!
* How about all those hot looking women on the Sunset Strip that well hmmmm.... are they in fact women? As a guy coming out of a bar with my "beer goggles" on I'd like to have certain protections that labeling might give me. Shouldn't we be requiring an "other parts included" label for those "ladies," I mean "gentlemen" that have such sexy legs but something just doesn't quite look right. That would be some valuable information for a consumer like me!
More than mother nature involved here!
* In fairness though this is not about being misogynistic, ladies deserve information as well! Is that really your hair or did you get it from an Infomercial you saw last week! That member that is standing at attention between your legs. Is that the real-deal? Is that an "organic" erection or is that brought to us by the makers of Viagra?
* And now that you mention it should a guy really get credit for 9 inches when mother nature only gave him 7? Perhaps we should give credit where credit is due to the good people at ExtenZe!
* At 46 is that wet spot below your belt really an inadvertent splash or is it the tell-tale sign that 3 shakes just doesn't get the job done for you anymore!
Initiative #2 - Requirement of Condom Use in all LA County filmed Adult Movies
The Benefit - keeping the actors and thus society safe from social diseases and demonstrating to the audience the necessity of "safe sex."
Ryan's Counter-Proposal Initiative:
So this reminds me of a joke. Do you know why they only teach driver's education in California on Monday and Wednesday? Because they need the car for "sex education" on Tuesday and Thursday! badump bump....cha! :)
* note: I've mentioned that joke on AM on multiple occasions to address the "funny" check!
Yeah, that is like making NASCAR drivers flash a left turn signal at each corner just in case the poor impressionable youths of American might be watching and taking notes for driver's education. I mean really, I've watched porn movies before even in the company of a lady. But learning about safe sex was the last thing on my mind. I was just trying to figure out if I had the flexibility to do that upside down 69 thing in the shower stall just like that dude in the movie!
Hey wait, that driving instructor joke gives me a thought. You know when you are learning to drive you have an instructor. In fact he/she goes out with you when you first drive and then you actually have to take a test and pass to get your license.
To me *uckin' is WAY more important than driving so if we are worried about kids learning how to screw properly why dont' we assign each young adult a porn mentor to learn how to properly have sex (safely as well of course). You could take a 10 week course (at 21 of course, this is California nt Arkansas) and then you would have to take a test (oral of course, I'm always thinking about the ladies)!
Oh and btw there were of course millions of thoughts blasted over the tweetosphere Tuesday night but after analyzing many I have determined that the best "Tweet" of election night comes from that 80's group They Might be Giants for the following:
“Diane Sawyer is declaring the winner to be....... chardonnay!”
#2 from Josh Groban - "I'll have what Diane Sawyer is having"
And finally to my dear dear smokin' hot Megan Kelly to your comment "is this just math that you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better...." I say.
Megan, I love you. You are smart, talented, and super-hot. But when you say "math that you do as a Republican" you have made the unfortunate assumption that Republicans do any math at all! :)
Author's Note: I have to admit I have never had sex with a politician, famous person, or public figure. I thought about doing a post about the top 10 actresses I'd like to nail; sort of like a "free pass" post like some couples do. You know, "honey, you won't count it against me if I ever have a chance to have sex with Jennifer Connelly, right?" My wife's former boyfriend had some minor success with a rock band but I've already written about her having sex with another guy; I don't want to walk down that road again. So I'm left with a fantasy post. And since all those Ryan disciples (Paul that is) seem to be diggin' this chick named Ayn Rand, here is my tribute (or spoof) to that other Ryan guy - I'll let you decide (that sounds so Fox News).
And if you are not the silly no-life political wonk that I am you might want to consult wiki so you know what the hell I'm talking about - click here for Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged link. It's what all the cool Objectivist Capitalist are reading! :)
I. Prologue
In the dystopian years after the great collapse sexual freedom became strained by a glut of bad sex. The "free love" baby boom generation had imported their "Collectivist" idylls on society. Because everyone felt entitled to screw, great sex was thought to be pedantic and elitist. The National Legislature deemed kinky and craza' as treasonous. "To make the collective feel self-conscious by engaging in overly energetic fornication is anathema; to throw sexual creativity in the face of those that don't know how to hump, to do that which they should be entitled to do for free is against our nation and causes friction throughout the Collective," stated the National Leader Harmonious Reed.
Ahhh, Elle! You finally 'tooned me!
But out of the depths of despair and agonizingly boring sex rose two extraordinary individuals that took *uckin' to a new level. They would not be bound by the Collectivist intent on bad sex, they would not be held to only missionary, only 1 orgasm, only 15 minutes per screw. No, they chose to break boundaries and lead the new elite masses along a social networking path to sexual freedom. Soon shackles would be broken and inspired by their heroin Kat, all would be asking the question
"Who is Ryan Beaumont?" And how do I sign onto Ashley Shrugged!
II. Characters (as themselves mostly)
Ryan Beaumont - A distant hero, a cerebral blend of Ron Burgundy and Kenny Powers
Pony - Leader of the Canadian monogamous sub-movement Elle - A Titan of the Blogging Industry
Riff - An ancient mythical leader now a totemistic Icon
III. The Story
Scene I (an Urban Street Corner Bar)
Elle gulped down the last swig of her wine, slammed a $50 on the table and got up from her bar stool. She muttered, "I don't know why I come across the border anymore; nothing is alive down here that I can see."
Her friend sitting next to her muttered with a smile, "Oh Elle, stay a bit longer! Surely some handsome lad will come along, maybe another Ken Doll for you!"
Elle rolled her eyes and shot back, "What does it matter, now that the National Legislature added multiple positions regulations who really cares. I've had too much wine and I was never into drunk sex anyway. Of course, they've probably outlawed that too."
Elle pushed her way through the crowd, out the door, and began walking down the street at a quick pace. At the corner she stopped and looked down the empty street. She thought to herself that this once was a bustling town where a young girl could meet an eligible bachelor any day of the week. But where were those guys now? De-horned by the National Legislature - lust is gone; and a girl's soul is lost. She sighed, adjusted her coat and moved forward. She turned the corner toward her flat, the place she stayed when she was "in town."
A few steps from her stoop the wind picked up suddenly, spreading a chill across her beautiful and elegant body. Just as she shivered she glanced to her left and was startled by the image of a man leaning against a lamppost just across the street.
In shadows he waits
He started approaching her! She reached into her pocketbook fumbling for her mace and told the shadowy figure to come no further.
The figure did not heed her warning but stopped just short of her. He was but a few feet from her now but the shadow from the light behind his cap betrayed that image of the face underneath and behind that shadow.
Elle clutched her mace but was frozen. She started to renew her warning but the figure cut her off.
"Do you feel it is wrong to have a lust for life, to feel the passion that is innately in our souls? How can a government tell us we cannot feel so that others may be content and not feel left behind with mediocre sex?"
Elle thought a moment, she was confused. She shivered again and then found the breath to whisper, "Who are you?"
The figure replied quickly.
"Who is Ryan Beaumont?" Scene II (In New Calitopia)
Cara pushed through the door brusquely, drove through the house at a rapid pace, and pitched her purse onto the kitchen table and stammered, "This is too much."
Cara's friend, Kat, hustling behind her replied, "What's on your mind sweetie, do tell."
Cara now pouring a glass from her now empty bottle of Pinot said, "It's only the 10th and I'm already out of sex credits for the month, how does a girl live in this world anymore. And I can't remember the last time I've felt a tongue between my legs."
Cara looked down at her IPhone, thumbing through screens. A look of despair broke across her face, "Oh my Kat, Elle just took down her blog - she just left a weird question, what does this mean, who is..."
Kat cut her off and quickly replied, "I know honey, these new sex regulations are killing our spirit. But you know I think I may have a solution. Oh wait! No! I really shouldn't. Well you do know the question, it's right there in Elle's message."
"Yes Kat," Cara said with desperation. "I need to know there is some hope, what are you talking about?"
Kat said, "I shouldn't be talking about this but since Elle brought it up, I just have to ask the same question?"
"But where do you think she went?" Asked Cara.
Kat thought pensively a moment and then said, "I really don't know, perhaps the same place all the other sex bloggers have gone Riff, Mrs. I, Holly; one by one they are all going, leaving this horrible glut of bad sex. The National Legislature says that good sex means unfair competition for the human species but I say what makes our species great is the pursuit of exhilarating, toe tickling, orgasmic sex. You can't place regulations on orgasms; it's a human need. It is what advances us and makes us alive."
Cara pressed her finger to Kat's lips as if to stop the scandalous words she was saying. "Those statements could get you in trouble Kat! You know you shouldn't be speaking of Riff," she said.
Kat stepped back, she was in a full 'Kat mood now.' "Riff was our guidepost, he was a lighthouse in the storm of this sex-starved world. And they drove him down. If we can't morn that then what is there to morn."
Cara bit her lips and said "perhaps we should be asking these questions."
As if on cue they both exclaimed in tandem,
"Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
Scene III (Outside a NASCAR track)
"Oh my god, I didn't know you could do that on a trampoline; where did you learn that!" Misty exclaimed.
"THIS is what it is supposed to feel like my dear! Doesn't it feel good to feel alive? Now let me rub some Crisco onto your back. Give me 10 more minutes and I'll slip right in from behind, just like a corn-dog at Bristol, my darlin,'" the dark stranger said.
Puzzled and stumbling on her words Misty said, "But we already went 5 minutes beyond our approved sexual intercourse time - we might be fined."
The stranger rose up in righteous anger, "This is what we have become from the Collective, a people bound and shackled to mediocrity. Sex is for the bold and the self-reliant. We can't be bound to the stagnant stale sex where the Collective wishes us to remain. Creativity is born from Independence; Independence spawns attraction, and attraction drives us to lust and some craza' humpin!'"
"Oh dark stranger who are you? I must know," exclaimed Misty!
"Who am I?" The stranger asked back. "Do we really know who we are? I don't want you to know who I am but I do want you to ask the question, the question everyone should be asking."
Who is Ryan Beaumont!"
"I will, I will; but how do I find him?" Misty asked bewildered.
The stranger responded, "You will never find him, but you must find the movement. Look for it here (as he handed her a card). 'It' is a place but really an aspiration, a place of freedom, creativity, and the spirit of what was once ours but now lost."
The stranger turned and walked away. Misty started to follow but then remembered the card and glanced at it.
Misty looked up from the card but the dark stranger was gone.
Scene IV (at the Canadian enclave)
Pony looked at the gleam of his computer and smiled. He thought out loud, "Ah Kat it's always so good to hear from her."
Kat's note was particularly bright today. She had just been with JJ all day and was feeling very good and was telling Pony about her escapades. But Pony thought to himselt, "All day long? On the beach and later in the hotel room? In the shower? In front of the mirror? On the balcony? Dipped in Velveeta Cheese? Kat you have broken more of those silly National Legislature regulations than I care to count! Glad us sane people up here voted out the Canadian Collective last year, those Puritanical idiots down south are crazy!"
Pony was also puzzled by the Ashley thing Kat was talking about. "An on-line Sexual Objectivist movement?" Pony thought it sounded interesting but he was glad he lived where he did.
And what is this about, "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
Pony replied to Kat,
"Dearest Kat, we Canadians already live strong and free. This Ashley thing on the www and this Ryan dude sound interesting but those of us who live north and among the Maple trees have come to understand that you can have great and energetic sex with one person. You can achieve the best Objectivism (monogamous Objectivism) through loving your one true soul mate. But I wish you well in your endeavors!"
The next day Kat replied to Pony,
"Dear Pony, see even though I hate hockey this is why I always pull against those damn Cannucks! You guys up there are so 'goody goody.' OK so I love my hubby as well and I love In-N-Out Burger too. But I don't want to only eat hamburgers every meal, every day for the rest of my life. But I do like you so I won't think ill of you. How is life North of the border these days, did you see how well my Giants are doing......"
Ah that crazy Kat, Pony thought to himself. She does make for interesting reading!
Scene V (a baseball game)
Sassy's phone buzzed. She glanced down and immediately typed in her password. It's a note from Kat she thought to herself, ignoring the fact that the dreaded 'All Soft' was at the plate for the dreaded New Harmony Yellow Stripes.
What is this question Kat is asking? "Who is....
Sassy looked up with disgust, All Soft just wiffed at strike 12. "My god these games never end since the National Legislature said it was bad for the Collective self image to have heroes strike out. Sassy thought to herself, "Poor All Soft, made to change his name from Rod because the name sounded too phallic. And New Harmony Yellow Stripes just doesn't engender the same fear as those New York Yankees of years gone by. 'Ah the old days'" she said out loud to herself.
Sassy sat back and remembered that time when she and her Phillip screwed behind the third base pretzel stand. "Oh my Philip," she thought; "Wasn't it Divine the way he buttered me and tied me into a pretzel. Oh how that used to feel! They'd never let us do that now, now that Harmonius Reed and those Collectivists have the power, makes a girl cry out just to get fondled!"
Sassy's phone buzzed again. Oh, all that reminiscing and I forgot about Kat.
The text said "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
Sassy typed back, "What do you mean, dear Kat?"
Kat replied, "Do you wish for the days when a man and a woman could create the lust that drove the engines of our livelihoods; do you wish to scream out in erotic independence? If you do be ready to respond when asked that question. I will be in touch with you and let you know your path to sexual freedom."
Oh that Kat has spent too much time in Calitopia, thought Sassy. She got up, it was the end of the 6th inning and she didn't want to wait for that '7th inning hugs' bathroom line. She walked onto the concourse and looked at that Pretzel stand and remembered.
Just then an image stepped out from behind that column just behind the stand. It was a dark shadowy figure apparently munching on a pretzel. The figure motioned for her to come over. She hesitated but was drawn as if by gravity and then an overwhelming inertia. The figure disappeared onto an elevator to the old Corporate Skyboxes. The bell rang and the door began to close. Sassy ran and lurched forward almost diving into the elevator. She gasped for breath and looked up and saw him!
Scene VI (Kat's Underground Compound - seeking an east coast foothold)
"We are growing strong but we must develop a pathway to the east," Kat said to the group. "We must find a compatriot."
"Where does HE think we can find this compatriot?" Asked a young woman from the group.
Kat replied, "He has been spreading his message in the Midwest and is now working east. In fact he told me he just spread his message to some Super Hot lady at a NASCAR track just yesterday, that sly handsome devil! But now he seeks a high spirited lady in the East, one who longs for the past and who will spread our movement's legs wide open from coast to coast, penetrating deep and hard until all scream with our passion! He has found her this very evening tonight at a baseball game. He will show her the past and then bring her to us and to our future. Well, knowing him he'll have his way with her first. But, united we cannot fail! Together we will break the unseen shackles of mediocre sex and replace them with..., well real shackles, and whips, and chains, and leather, and a feather, and... Oh sorry, I got away from myself - JJ get over here! Excuse us." Kat said looking back to the crowd as she and JJ retreated to her secret Kat lair.
The passion of the moment had gotten to her and she needed JJ now in the worst kind of way.
Within 10 minutes "Who is Ryan Beaumont" or anyone else for that matter was the last thing on their mind! Scene VII (the Corporate Skybox - the link to the past)
The door closed behind Sassy. Her heart was racing and her vision blurred. The shadowy figure was now before her only a few feet away in the small elevator as it began to climb. Her vision began to come into focus but she could not make out his face as it was blurred beneath the shadow formed by the brow of his cap.
"Who are you, where are you taking me?" Sassy exclaimed.
"Taking you?" the shadowy man said.
"I don't take people, I liberate them!"
"Are you Ryan Beaumont?" Sassy asked.
The man hesitated and then slowly replied "I don't answer questions, I reveal possibilities. Let me show you a place where possibility once thrived."
The elevator stopped with a lurch. The bell rang and the door slowly opened to a room overlooking the field. It was adorned with opulence Sassy could scarcely comprehend.
"What is this place?" Sassy exclaimed
The man walked ahead of her to the window and removed his hat and still hidden in a shadow began to speak.
"This is a place where Titans used to screw. Here the elite played. Champagne was uncorked, business deals were made, and then doors were closed. And behind those doors things were done that have long been forgotten in this Collectivist world.
Sassy, bewildered said, "Can we ever return to that world?"
The shadowy figure finally stepped forward into the light. "Ryan Beaumont is not a man but a pathway to that world. Inspired by an ancient tail-chasin' leader Riff, he once wrote a blog about adventures. Those adventures can happen again, but only if you dare."
"I do, I dare; tell me of this place!" Sassy cried.
The man ushered Sassy to a computer and said, "Type in AshleyShrugged." Sassy looked at the screen in bewilderment. It was some type of site with pages of men and women talking about sex, how scandalous. "Does the Legislature know about this?" She asked. She continued to click rapidly through all of the profiles, all talking about what they wanted to do, the passions they wished to share. They all seemed to be from that crazy Calitopia and many seemed to be asking that same question she had heard - "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
But they also mentioned a lady or rather a mysterious sexual leader. They called her Kat and mentioned her as the "Boudica of the booty!"
What was this strange movement, Sassy thought. She did wish to meet this movement and particularly the illustrious Kat-woman she had just recently come to know!
The man began talking again, "We have a friend in the west that is only now organizing the sexual elite. She needs a link to the east, she needs you Sassy."
The man stepped out of the shadows as he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a ticket and handed it to Sassy. It was a plane ticket from Logan to LAX.
What is this for, "Sassy asked."
"This is your path to the west, go there and meet the resistance and bring the movement back east," the man said.
Sassy, now bristling stated, "I am ready, I want to go now."
For the first time Sassy saw a small expression on the man's face as a brief smile broke across his face. "Soon enough Sassy, but first let's see what we have been missing." He motioned her to follow and she did.
Scene VIII (the Old Sunset Strip)
Walking toward baggage claim Sassy saw a tall, dark, and handsome man holding a sign with her name on it. She was surprise, she didn't know anyone out here. But THE man (back East) did tell her friends would be waiting. Perhaps this was the friend he spoke of.
Sassy walked up to the gentleman with the sign.
He smiled at her and whispered, "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
Sassy smiled and said, "I must be at the right place."
The man embraced Sassy in a hug and said, "I am JJ, Kat is waiting for you. She is so excited to meet you."
JJ drove her out of the airport and through the hills toward Old Hollywood. He turned onto the Sunset Strip.
Sassy thought to herself, "Oh the debauchery that must have happened here. I remember reading of Riff's old escapades, I wonder which paths his special travels took him around these city blocks. But oh how it is all faded now, just a broken down remnant of a memory of thrilling sexual escapades!"
The thought brought a tear to Sassy's eyes.
Just then JJ pulled the car into an abandoned parking garage. They drove to the bottom level. JJ ushered her out and then pushed through a door which led to a tunnel. Sassy followed him, as strange as this trip seemed she felt safe, as if she was visiting long lost family.
Finally they burst through a door and were welcomed into a comfy looking room. Sassy looked across the room. In an instance she saw her, it was her - it could only be her; her flaming red locks told the tale.
Kat walked up to Sassy arms extended and embraced her in a genuine hug of caring. She then motioned Sassy to follow her to a couch in the corner of the room
Once seated Kat immediately exclaimed with a wry smile, "Come now Sassy tell me of your time with him, I assume it was enriching!"
Confused Sassy replied "What ever do you mean Kat?"
"Oh Sassy, you know what I mean. What was he like behind closed doors!" Kat asked.
"Oh Kat, you must know I am very demure; it is hard for me to speak of such things. But I will say that in the skybox I enjoyed the 'surf and turf,' Ryan style that is. Oh his fillet was indeed delish dipped in the lobster bisque! These lady fingers were all over his trifle. And oh how he buttered both sides of this honey bun!"
"That reminds me of my time with him on the cliff's above Monterrey Bay," replied Kat. "We went there to watch the whales, but before the day was over what a whale I found between my legs; such ecstasy!"
But now, let me tell you how you can help the movement and bring Ashley Shrugged throughout this poor nation and insure everyone is asking...
Who is Ryan Beaumont?
Scene IX (the climax)
But just as Kat started to tell Sassy of her plans for the movement there was a large crash heard at the door. Men in black uniforms and helmets came bursting through. Behind them a man in a large black judge's robe strolled in purposefully. He was very tall and thin with piercing blue eyes and a solemn but judicious demeanor and expression across his face.
The man in the black robe continued into the room until he stood before Kat. He looked down at Kat now in righteous judgement. "You are Kat, I presume?" He asked with disdain.
Kat stood up, afraid but brave enough to meet her fate. "I am," She replied.
"I am Harmonius Reed and in the name of the Collective and the National Legislature you and this smutty collection of your slutty consorts is under arrest!" His expression now changed to one of evil contentment.
Kat undaunted posed this, "You are quite good Mr. Reed, indeed a strong, bold, and attractive man; and I do like a man that is smart and confident! However did you find us you clever, clever man?"
Reed snarling at Kat now said, "I don't owe you anything but a chastity belt!"
Kat smiling devilishly now purringly replied, "Oh but my dear Harmy I need to know, I want to know what genius delves inside that beautiful brain underneath those gorgeous flocks of wise grey mane on that beautiful and noble head of your. I bet their is quite a fire down below and inside that robe of yours. I do like a man who knows what he wants so do take me but oh my do be gentle. And do let a shy sweet girl know how you have come to discover our little group."
"Oh OK, if you must know Kat, it was Beaumont; we found him. We trailed him from the Ben's Chili Bowl concession stand at the Nationals Park back to his hideout. Apparently his other passion in life is bringing Red, Hot, and Blue BBQ back to Nationals Park. Once we caught him we were able to get his computer. We knew it was his computer because of the BBQ fingerprints all over the keypad and the jug of Chick-fil-A sweet tea sitting to the side. Once we had the computer we found out about this Ashley Shrugged movement and tracked IP address to this disreputable slut asylum."
Kat, now with a tear rolling down her face, "OH my poor dear Ryan. I knew chasing all those rich MILF's in Georgetown and McLean might get to him one day but I never guessed that his addiction to BBQ and Sweet Tea would be his downfall." Kat fell to her knees below Harmonius Reed.
"And now Kat you and your horde must meet your fate!" Exclaimed Reed.
"Perhaps not so fast my dear Mr. Reed." Kat replied, those devilish baby blues now targeted on the Leader of the National Legislature like a torrid sexual laser.
"Mr. Reed, have those beauties inside your robe ever been inside a woman's mouth? Would they like to reside in this woman's mouth just now." Kat purred as she loosened the belt of Leader Reed.
Sassy now jumping in, "Oh dear Leader I bet you'd love to have a woman ride you like a wild Bronco and perhaps gently tickle than smart little ass of yours!"
"Ladies, ladies!" Reed cried. But it was too late! In an Kat-quick instance, the ladies were upon him.
Kat and Sassy were now undressing Leader Reed, working their magic like the fine sexual artisans they were. He was putty in their hand...
(Two Hours Later)
"Oh dear ladies, you have shone me the light," Leader Reed exclaimed.
Kat replied, "Oh no dear Harmy you have shone us, my oh my even my best pretty young things are often not able to do it three times in one sexcapade! Have you been getting some of that home grown Viagra I hear about that comes across the boarder from Old Mexico?"
"No, dear Kat," Reed smugly stated. "That was 100% genuine organic me. But you have shown me a glimpse of my distant past. Oh I remember the night when I nailed half the tri-Delta's at Old Nevada U. I remember their cries of joy 'oh harmy, harmy, harmy, can ya' help me, help me, help me.' Yes those were the days when excellence could be defined in how we made each other feel. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps we should return to those days when men and women could feel good about making each other feel actualized through sizzling sensational sex. You have brought me into the light. We must return anew to those alluring days of old. Kat, bring Ashley Shrugged to the masses so that they may have the opportunity to enjoy that which we have shared with one another."
Kat stood up with confidence, "I will Leader Reed, thank you for seeing that sex is something to be enjoyed not rationed! I will take your message and HIS to our Nation. One day soon all will be asking..."
"Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
"Ah yes my dear Kat, perhaps they will ask that; but they will take you as their hero and sing your praises through the ages." Replied Leader Reed.
Scene X (100 years from now in a park along the Bay)
Dedicated to Queen Kat circa 2016
"Who is that?" The young woman asked, pointing at the beautiful statue as she stepped forward from the group of students facing their professor and admiring the beautiful woman in stone.
"She is our patron saint," the professor said. "She is the woman who led us out of the darkness. Her passion broke down the barriers of bad sex and led to a new order of kinky. Her philosophy of Erotic Objectivism drove our nation to the creativity we enjoy today. She was our Warrior Queen of Kink, our Boudica of the booty that revolted against the Collectivist Roman Empire of bland and lifeless sex."
Another student added "She is so beautiful, the power of her sexuality drives me to want to excel to the highest levels of kinky, crazy glory."
"She was indeed a wonderful and beautiful woman," added the professor.
"Dr Nobel" asked another student.
"Who then was Ryan Beaumont?"
I think I'm hearing this song as the credits roll! :)
