May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor

I know, I know a movie quote rather than a song!  Well I did hear that Beatles song Ob La Di the other night and was considering that song.  You know "Ob la di, ob la da life goes on ....."  But as I often do I looked up the lyrics to make sure I had them right and I saw the lyrics were "ob la di, ob la do life goes on bra; la la how the life goes on."  I got to thinking that Molly must have a ginormous rack to fit a whole life into her bra!  I guess Desmond must be a tit guy!  But I'm more of a legs and butt guy so I didn't think that worked for me.  Besides as the song goes on "Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face and in the evening she's a singer in the band."  And that just sounded unfair to me!  Then again maybe I'm taking those lyrics to literally?!

But I'm getting away from myself now, let me get back on track!

So why am I quoting from the Hunger Games today?  Well it's not because I'm hungry - for sure!  I'll let you in on a secret, Ryan cooks a great Turkey over the holidays and I've certainly not been suffering over the last few days from lack of nutrition.

Anyway, the opening of the Hunger Games got me to thinking about Sandee last month just before those holidays began to set in.  We always enjoyed escaping to the theatre and taking in a movie on a slow afternoon, we are both kind of movie buffs.  We had seen the first Hunger Games movie together.  I wanted to see part II but something didn't feel exactly right about seeing it if I were not with Sandee.  But we had decided to part ways amicably before things got too complicated.  But, as with Katniss, even though I long for the uncomplicated life I always seem to find a way to complicate things.

Wait, I've been meaning to ask a question of my audience today.

So let me get a show of hands out there, how many of you thought I was done with Sandee?

Really?

You guys have obviously not been reading this blog!  Have you not noticed how gullibly tenacious I am!

Well, let's start with some housekeeping, my last Sandee post is (HERE).

I didn't exactly beg her not to leave but I did say "hope to hear from you soon."

The next day I got this:

Hey you :) 

I was a little surprised to hear back from you. Pleasantly of course, but I didn't expect it. I love a good surprise :)

 

LOL @YouTube clip ... :-D

Ok..back to the serious stuff (putting on serious pants) 

I think I might of thrown off some points that were misinterpreted. So I think I have some 'splainin to do.... 

Firstly; I'm glad to hear you've been too busy to be terminally heartbroken over my declaration of separation. I never wanted you to feel sad, bad, glad, or mad; so I'm relieved to hear that you've been chill about the whole thing. Never doubted for a second  that you wouldn't be :)) And it's  endearing to hear you don't even miss our visits! Lol!! Nice!  :) But I've missed being in touch with you, too. How couldn't I ?? You've been my favorite security blanket for awhile now. And that may have been unfair of me to place that on you, but you were there when I needed you most and that's something I will cherish forever. 

Secondly; I never wanted to imply that I was holding you to some deadline. Honestly,  I knew/know where you're at, and like I said, never expected you to alter your life for me. And I mean that. The fact that you DIDN'T make a change speaks loudly and it shows where your devotion lies. Right where it should be with the life and family you have . So I honor your decision and respect you for it. :) 

As for me, I was only trying to make a point that I couldn't continue in a FWB, situation. Not being in or out ...kinda just floating around in limbo-water in the river of "where am I/where are we going", is a confusing place to be. But that's just me. (Did I use enough metaphors there??) I came across this quote and I love it:

"How can we end up at a destination, if we don't know, or can't make up our mind, where we are headed. "

 

So Lastly, that Segue's nicely into my final  point. (And if I'm interpreting correctly) you did a good job of explaining that you are totally cool with "just" friends. And I would never NOT  consider you a friend. I realllllly adore you as a person, Ryan. I do. So to have you out of my life forever would be a loss I wouldn't particularly enjoy experiencing .  But you survived without me a couple of years ago, I'm sure you would manage just fine :) 

So. To summarize : 

 We cool.

  We be friends forever. 

    And unless we serendipitously see each other again, we'll be content to check in from time to time just to make sure the other is behaving, keeping the fun-muscles in shape, and maybe even offer up dating tips when the other wants to get their freak, on. Pen Pals 2.0. :) 

Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to write out your thoughts. A glimpse into the complex psyche of Ryan is always a treat . ;) 

:) (contented - at peace, smile) 

Sandee

 

 

My first thought was - "wow, that's a lot from Sandee; she never writes that much!"  My second thought was - "dang, she is just so darn cool; maybe too cool!"  My third thought was - "complex psyche of Ryan? Really?  Lord if she only knew the low wattage energy efficient light bulbs that  actually inhabit this brain she would laugh!"  And so I replied thusly:

 

Sandee,

I'll write more later but it was so good to hear from you.  But I am writing back immediately because you threw down the quote gauntlet and how could I not respond in quote to your quote!

 

From Alice in Wonderland:  "if you don't know where you are going any road will get you there..."

 

From the Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane:  "Perhaps you would like to be lost with us.  I have found it much more agreeable to be lost in the company of others.

 

And of course as I have said, from the movie Less Than Zero:  “But this road doesn't go anywhere," I told him.  "That doesn't matter."  What does?" I asked, after a little while.  Just that we're on it, dude," he said.

 

I am not sure where I have been going the last two years but I am glad the road took me to you and that we travelled on many roads together.  Perhaps we have been lost together and it was oh so agreeable to be in the company of you.  In the end, to me, it didn't matter where we were going just that we were going there together.  How could going anywhere with a gorgeous and wonderful (sometimes flaky) blond with the wind blowing threw her beautiful hair not be the loveliest time of one's life, dude!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ha85D6hE9Fg (Preview)

Except I'm not really planning on leaving so much!  :)

Yeah, take that Sandee!  Don't ever try to out-quote the quote master!!!!   :)

But I really did miss her.  I just missed the camaraderie, the gladness I had when I thought about taking her to a movie because we both love Will Ferrell or she loves horror movies.

As we got deep into fall the build-up to Hunger Games - Catching Fire was everywhere and it reminded me that we saw that movie together during better times.  I so wanted to return to those times.

 

And so when that next Hunger Games movie did come out I just had to take the lady I had gone to the first Hunger Games movie; I'm just that type of guy (movieogamous).

 

Perhaps she looks like Helen

I have to admit a smile immediately broke across my face and I gasped just a little when I pulled up and saw her through the windows of her car, those beautiful long wavy blond flocks cascading across her lovely shoulders.

 

We bought our tickets and sat near the back of the theatre and the commercials started soon after.  I took it easy at first just a few "how've you been's."  But as the movie started and I caught the fragrance of her hair and gently felt the soft sweater she wore my body instinctively edged over to her ever so slowly.  I believe the gravity of our attraction was balanced as by mid-movie we leaned into one another shoulder to shoulder.

 

 

Wait Ryan, your last Sandee post was last October and the Hunger Games just came out a little while ago.  Your timeline doesn't seem to match up so well.

 

Hmmmm...., well maybe you are right.  Maybe she did break things off in September and maybe I did write back in late September and maybe we had met for a few walks over the course of the fall.

 

But we did see the Hunger Games and it was a great show.

For now though - Happy New Year and let's hope all of us experience many good tales to tell over the coming year!

And:

 

Oh, "and (I guess) if you want some fun take ob la di la da!"
(love the Mariachi band!)

ohhhhh..., I like this version too (Gwen totally does it for me)!

 

OMG, and then I find this!

See, I'm easily distracted...  :)

Btw, da Prez doesn't have very good moves in this vid; but I still like him!

 

 

I'm Tired of Castles in the Air

They say you have to do something seven times to make it a habit.  But this is my fourth Christmas Day as a blogger and the third time I leave you, my dear readers, with a Christmas story as a gift.  So I declare this a habit even though it's only my third.

Anyway....  Merry Christmas!

My first Christmas Day fiction post is ....  (HERE)
My second Christmas Day fiction post is ....  (HERE)
See, even though I'm a left of center guy, no "War of Christmas" here Mr. O'Reilly!

Oh and since this is also my third Alex Blog post (2nd post was 2nd Christmas Day post above) here is the first from Alex.  If you have read some of my past post you'll know I have somewhat of a fetish for the Alex character from the movie Up in the Air, she is so Shannon.

Alex's Blog"

The Not So Chaste Tale of a Lincoln Park Traveling Soccer Mom

"Does this flight have a terminus?"
Alex speaking.......

Why is it that when you are young everyone knows instantly when you are in love.  "Oh you are just glowing Alex," my friends said after one of my early dates with Ned; "you must be in love."  And you know what, I knew I was in love too.  I could just feel it inside and out.  He was the one.  Outwardly I got chills seeing him walk around the corner, inwardly I knew because I was curious and fascinated to learn everything I could about him.  He held a prominent place within my psyche.

As easy as it is to decipher when someone is in love you would think it just as easy to realize the point in time when you are no longer in love.  Wouldn't it be so convenient if that were so.  But life blurs the senses at some point.  Career, kids, the yard all muddle a woman's mind until you just exist.  Then you wake up and realize that person you are waking up next to no longer captivates you, in fact it would be great if he could just hurry up and get onto work so I could enjoy my morning coffee and perhaps have a minute to read the Tribune before the conference calls start.

No, I don't recall when I fell out of love with Ned.  I think it was some time between fall of 2001 and summer 2002.  But it was not the cataclysmic plunge I felt when I first felt love for him.  This time the fall (out of love) was a slow methodical train ride along a track we could not depart.

For some time I then floated in stasis, mildly dissatisfied with a marriage to a fairly decent fellow who was entirely unspectacular to me now.  I've talked to some women who say "well I'm in love with him but I'm not IN LOVE with him."  I think that is pandering hogwash.  What they are saying is that they are in love with their yard, Friday night family movie nights, summer vacations at the beach, and the school car-pool and they are too damn afraid to say they are not in love with their husband anymore because that might upset the apple cart of things that now occupy the life they find themselves addicted to but certainly NOT in love with.

As you know my cure was Ryan.  He diverted my course to his destinations and has occupied my attention for some time.  He dazzled me.  He is ridiculously good looking, charming, and so unavailable on weekends that he placed no threat to my Lincoln Park home world.   I know people have called me a slut on this blog but really the 2 am sweaty energetic sex with Ryan was too intoxicating.  He had me biting my lips to hold back helpless screams as I firmly gripped the hotel bed headboard with Ryan behind me like some engine.  Ned is just too damn polite to even think about fucking me like that anymore.  With Ryan I felt electricity coursing through my body once again and that kinetic energy helped pace myself through my life and kept me going forward.  He gave me aspirations beyond my annual bonus that pays for us to have boat drinks on the beach at St. Kitts in the spring.

Of course the only problem with being sustained by inertia and kinetic energy are those very same Laws of Physics.  That night when Ryan foolishly tapped on my door just to say that he was in town he did not simply invade the sanctity of my Lincoln Park life he inflicted those Laws of Physics on my delicate balance of inertia.  That equal and opposite reaction stopped the motion of the satisfying existence I had developed.  And with that Ryan was no longer fascinating and captivating.  Well, maybe that time I did realize the moment I fell out of love but then again was I really ever in love with Ryan - probably not (well maybe I was in love with the sex but not him, hence my theory remains - yes I'm the daughter of a science teacher).  Maybe I just got tired of living among the clouds of Ryan's life.  When I was a little girl I used to look up at the sky and see castles in the clouds.  But when your a working mom and you fly through those clouds to and from work you realize all they represent is a great deal of turbulence between you and home.

But where does all this go?

The other thing I want to talk about (and I promise this will make sense in about two paragraphs) is my "blankie" from childhood.  I adored "blankie" and she was my constant companion.  At some point I probably realized that "blankie" was tattered, torn, and smelly but I could never give up on my "blankie."  I started to need "blankie" functionally less and less over time.  Sometimes I did not sleep with her anymore.  But one day I realized I had not seen "blankie" in several days.  I panicked!  I searched everywhere.  Finally our neighbors dropped her by, I had left her at a sleepover.  I breathed an enormous sigh of relief at "blankie's" return.  I loved her and in spite of her disposition I resolved to never let her down again.  Perhaps my 7 year old love was not the same love for "blankie" as my 5 year old love but it was a nobler and a more resolute love than before.  I still needed "blankie" if not functionally then certainly spiritually.

Now back to reality - Ryan's visit meant that I had to stop the undefined thing that we were doing with one another (maybe we should just call it fucking because in the end that is what it was).  Could I return to the stasis I was under before Ryan?

Before we go there I ask again why do we lose the "you're in love realization" spell we have in our twenties.  In our 40's is when it would really have some value.

Upon returning from the trip I took the day after Ryan's visit I mildly realized that Ned was correct that the clutch was going out on the Volvo and that perhaps we should trade it in while it still had some value and oh by the way Gary (at the dealership) had a great car in mind for us.  See "turn-key" that is why I keep Ned around.  The next week I was slightly happy that Ned left a portion of Brie, apple chutney, crackers, and a lovely little Pinot from the Willamette Valley on the counter for me to quickly consume before catching up to the family for the daughter's performance.  The next morning I was even more moderately satisfied to find two weeks worth of dry cleaning returned from the dry cleaners and hung in my closet.  That weekend I was increasingly content that Ned had gotten tickets for the family to the annual Joffrey Ballet's Nutcracker (a family tradition) with a nice dinner before at Spiaggia.

The following Saturday night was the annual holiday party at Ned's firm.  I had not looked forward to the party for many years and yet this year, I guess for old times sake, I was rather looking forward to it.  When we got there the usual people were there but I was content.  At some point Ned became involved in a discussion with a junior partner about patent law and problems with protecting intellectual properties as they migrate across the Great Lakes through maritime transactions.  I know entirely boring!

But much like I woke up one day and realized in October, 2002 that I didn't love Ned anymore I realized that this man, who I had now lived with for close to 20 years, was an expert at something and was revered by others.  In my eyes he was a guy who hadn't changed the cat litter box yet this decade and yet to other's he was fascinating.

I unconsciously touched his shoulder as mates often do and realized I really wanted to fuck this man.

That night Ned gasped when I stepped out of the bathroom naked.  We had passionate sex which of course with Ned meant missionary.  But the penetrating sameness of the feel underneath him and amid his arms was suddenly seductive to me.

The kids had spent the night at a friends so the next morning so I decided to cook breakfast for Ned in my thong.  I was delighted when Ned uncontrollably grabbed my ass and pined me against the counter.  I reached back and pulled his cock through his pants and guided it into me.  For the first time since Northwestern in the early 90's Ned screwed me outside of the creature comforts of a bed.  I felt sexy again as Ned pulled me into him.

Later as we ate French Toast together naked in bed I realized I had fallen in love with Ned again just as unexpectedly and imperceptibly as falling out of love with him. But the love I now had was more resolute and more real.  No, I didn't need him to pay off my student loans but I needed HIM, the guy who made a life with me and who I still wanted to be the last person I saw each day.

For good measure we then took a long luxurious bath together and then I screwed his brains out one more time before we had to go fetch the kids.

As for "blankie," I have her framed and mounted on a wall in the guest room.  I guess that's what I'll do with Ned some day as well, but hopefully I still have a few years left to play with him!  :)

One of the all time great movie monologues:

You know, honestly by the time you’re 34, all the physical requirements just go out the window. You secretly pray that he’ll be taller than you, not an asshole would be nice just someone who enjoys my company, comes from a good family. You don’t think about that when you’re younger. Someone who wants kids, likes kids. Healthy enough to play with his kids. Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster. And hopefully, some hair on his head. I mean, that’s not even a deal breaker these days. A nice smile. Yea, a nice smile just might do it. (Alex Goran, from Up in the Air)

The Sleeping Pawns Awoke with Yawns

Nutcracker Reflections

To us silly uncouth American's the Nutcracker is the most famous of all ballets if not simply what we consider to be ballet.  It was originally choreographed by Marius Petipa and Lev Ivanov and scored by Pyotr IIyich Tchaikovsky (he of 1812 Overture fame).  Petipa's ballet was adapted from Alexander Dumas script re-write (so to speak) of E.T.A. Hoffman's "The Nutcracker and the Mouse King."  If A. Dumas sounds familiar he also wrote "the Count of Monte Cristo" and "the Three Musketeers." While the music to the Nutcracker has always played well to international audiences the ballet itself was not an immediate success.  It enjoyed a resurrection in the 1960's mostly in the States as a Christmas tradition.  The modern versions are more closely tied to the Balanchine interpretation of the Nutcracker.  Balanchine took a somewhat spooky production and softened it by adding a more childlike flavor perhaps akin to Pat Boone taking a sexy Little Richard Tooty Fruity and toning it down for a more "white bread" audience.  Often the Nutcracker is in essence the "anchor store" that funds a ballet company producing the "Lion's share" of annual company revenue.  It has thusly transformed our American taste for culture and made ballet sweet to our palates.  It is in essence ballet's "Stairway to Freebird!"  But I'm not ashamed to say I love it!  In the end through those evolutions and with the application of some child-like wonderment and adventure and of course some great music a Nutcracker production is always inspiring.

Btw, if you are even slightly into ballet Marius Petipa is responsible for much of what we know of to be the "Classics" including:  Don Quixote, Giselle, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Swan Lake, and Coppelia.

Anyway, I find it interesting that the Nutcracker was not at first successful and then was resurrected.  It has gone through many steps on it's evolutionary process to become what it is today.  Adoring fans, introduced to and then inevitably enchanted by the story, in essence breathed life into the ballet.  And it is strangely allegorical that the ballet itself is a story of resurrection or perhaps transmogrification as the love of and for an adoring child breaths life into an inanimate toy nutcracker.  Clara's peril and subsequent salvation from the hands of the Mouse King transforms the Nutcracker into a Prince and then he escorts her into a dreamy adventure through the Land of Sweets.  The themes of caring, adventure, and most importantly dreams show us how we can all evolve from a small inanimate toy into emotional human flesh if only someone would love and defend us.

The Nutcracker has been a part of my life for some years now.  I have mentioned it in this blog a few times.  In some sense this blog has been my Nutcracker as I've described how I have traversed my dreamlike Land of Sweets.  As I look back over the past several years I do believe that it is that same Nutcracker that was the Genesis of my transformation into who I have become.

For many years I too was somewhat inanimate, made almost entirely of work.  But I also remember now so many years ago being asked to be a part of the production.  My fears were allayed by the fact that I would be in essence a set piece in the backdrop.  That I could do as for years I had been a set piece in the background of a life story.  However that, of course, did not come true as I soon found out that I would actually have to dance on stage.  But upon finding this out I also stumbled upon a pretty brunette with a sweet enchanting smile that immediately peaked my interest allowing me to set my fears aside.  The next two months, as we rehearsed, were such a pleasure as I came to know Renee.  She became a friend but more importantly a vision.  I began to see myself through the lenses of her eyes.  The reflection I saw of myself in Renee's eyes was drastically different from the image I had seen daily for some time through Shannon's eyes.  The experience thusly became a didactic path for me.  In Renee's eyes I was interesting, funny, entertaining, and exciting.  Because I was so to her I wanted to be so all the time.  And so a somewhat unremarkable husband from Suburban DC was transmogrified into Ryan much like the Nutcracker was transformed before Clara's eyes into a Prince.

Yes as I was transformed by the Nutcracker that Christmas season it was as if...

"Up suddenly jumped Jack in the box.
He fell into step with the fox.
The mighty lion swung his tail.
The hungry wolf began to wail.
The sleeping pawns awoke with yawns,
the toys had come to life."

Suddenly I was alive again!

But what to do with this life?

Fighting mice may have been a great start but now adventure lay ahead and the Nutcracker and I could only chart a course for the Land of Sweets.  Through Chocolate, Tea, Candy Canes, and Ginger we found much adventure, the Nutcracker and I.

Looking back now I feel as if that Nutcracker and I experienced a transformation in the quantum mechanics of our inner being.  As the Nutcracker visits the Land of Sweets I met several women through this Ashley Madison thing.  I was transformed onto a new vector towards becoming a being that is aware of the need to simply seek a state of being and not be afraid to have needs beyond father, care-giver, leader, employee.  While my exterior may have changed little to the outside physical world I was changed at the sub-atomic level of essence.  As women looked at me with interest I evolved and truly became that which they found interesting.

And yet as we traveled onward we really only did so to gain the favor of a Clara, one adoring princess who's affectionate and accepting gaze would transform our reflection in her eyes to an apotheosis within us to someone remarkable.

And so now I ask myself, will I ever complete my transformation and become the Nutcracker Prince?  Only time will tell.  But for now my Apotheosis is this.......

Where are they now?

Renee:   Renee was going through some really tough times when we danced together.  She did end up divorcing.  Though she had some work challenges her tenacity and vivaciousness carried her through.  She is now doing very well.  And just to prove people are usually positively affected when they come to meet Ryan I unwittingly introduced her to her now boyfriend.  Even though admittedly I'm a bit jealous they really do make a great couple.

Alesia:  Yes, that Alecia - I have been in touch with her.  She is also now divorced and recently started a new job.  From my limited contact she seems very happy now that she has refocused herself on her career and her kids; they seem to fulfill her.

Shannon:  From Shannon's Story do you really think anything will ever go wrong for her?  She is as pretty as ever, one of those rare women who is truly more physically spectacular in her 40's than when I knew her in her 20's.  Add that to her inner persona and she is truly a woman to behold.  Her career is still going strong as people always seem to want her for her talents, grace, and charm under pressure.  Oh if only I could be a client rather than a hapless husband continuously disappointing.

Sandra:  I have never gotten back in touch with her.  I assume she is doing OK.  Sometimes playing the Cavalier allows your lady of the moment to have the time to find that the comfort of going back is not so boring and perhaps more satisfying than the pursuit of the exciting.

Sandee:  Perhaps more to come........

Ryan's Repeats - Don't Let Her Catch You with a Care

As with Monday's repeat post my inclination was to re-post my Mom's of the School Holiday Musical.  But then I got to thinking it's a pretty poor excuse for a sex blog when you don't ever talk about sex.  I'm not really talking about sex now either just repeating what I once remembered about having sex a long time ago!  But I guess you got to "may hay while the sun shines" so to speak.

That being said I have really enjoyed doing these re-posts over the past year.  Why did I do this you might wonder.  Well, when you see a blog for the first time and see that it is a few years old and has say 300+ post it can be daunting to take the plunge and start reading.  Then again, I'm a "read the pictures kind of guy" so maybe it's just me.  But my thought was that for some of the newer readers of my blog I would give them a little hint as to what I thought they might find interesting along with some chosen links to other post that might "churn the water" so to speak.  To my older readers I added notes to either update the story or perhaps write a little about what I was thinking about when I first wrote the post or what I'm thinking about now a year or two later.

See with me it's always about you!  :)

Anyway, it kept me posting and was fun - I hope you have enjoyed or re-enjoyed them!

So onto some sex or rather a re-telling of past sex!  And if you do anything for me please take note of my opening Holiday Sex joke, I worked real hard on that one.


Ryan's Repeat
from December 10th, 2012.........

Kat's Blog Chain

Holiday Sex!

I was a little on the fence over this month's post, Holiday Sex.  It made me remember Ethel a girl I once dated.  She wasn't very attractive but she was really a sweet girl.  The first time we had sex was in the morning sun in front of a window facing east on Groundhog Day.  I came on her shadow and then she wouldn't leave me alone for 6 weeks!

OK, so I made that story up but give me credit for linking sex to an off brand holiday - sue me!  :) 

Let's get onto the real Holiday sex.

Ah New Orleans, how many fine memories I have of that wonderful city.  I first visited her on a spring break in college.  Me and my college buddies had actually gone down to Panama City (or rather the Red Neck Riviera as some call it).  We decided to take a road trip across I-10 to New Orleans and I loved it immediately.  The next time I visited the Big Easy was with my dear Shannon shortly after we were married.  Most people think of NOLA and Mardi Gras but it is a wonderful place around the holidays and a particularly fun spot on New Year's Eve.

Oh first before I get too long into this post, those lyrics above are from Harry Connick, Jr's. ode to his hometown "Oh, My NOLA."  This story takes place in New Orleans and accoring to those funny Facebook Dobleganger things I look 82% like Harry, just slightly ahead of John Ritter.  Unfortunately I'm not nearly as talented or funny as either of them.  But there you go.  And yes indeed you never want to be caught with a care in New Orleans.

OK so this is really just another FFF (like my Thanksgiving FFF) with some Cajun' spices.  To me New Orleans is all about the FFF - Food, Football, and Fuc*i; excuse me I mean Fushia (you know purple is one of the Mardi Gras colors)!   :)

So after getting married Shannon and I lived in the deep, deep South.  One of our favorite diversions was New Orleans.  The first time we went down there together was to do those F's.  Well football was the first priority (for me at least) my team Big State U was playing in a bowl game so I decided to go down for the game.  We ate a lot as well so the second F was pretty well taken care of.

But today's post is for Kat's Sex Blog Chain and I doubt Kat cares to have an analysis on how Big State won that big game.  So let's move onto that third F, because in NOLA, we always did a lot of that (3rd) F'in!  And of course F'in on New Year's Eve in NOLA is a wonderful thing!  As an aside I am an environmental F'er meaning the atmosphere as much as the act is what does it for me.

It was so fine being in the Big Easy with Shannon.  Back in those days she was so wide eyed and naive and enjoyed experiencing things with me.  We got to town in the early afternoon, checked into the hotel, and then headed for Bourbon Street.  We ate Seafood Etouffe and Fried Alligator tail on a restaurant balcony overlooking the street.  Later we found a bar and were lucky enough to see BeauSoleil, who were in town performing ahead of the big game.  I delighted at seeing Shannon twirl to the wonderful Cajun' Zydeco music and it was a joy to run into old friends on those city streets.

Later that night we returned to the room.  We had a little game back then.  Shannon would go into the bathroom to wash her face et al.  I would undress and lay naked on the bed trying to position myself like some Greek statue as if to surprise her.  When she came out of the bathroom she squeeked in delight.  In anticipation of my game she too was naked.  We were both pretty worked up from the night's music and spirits so not much foreplay but oh what a wonderful extended round of sex.  Back then it was as if we could not get deep enough into each other.  Our bodies would wrench our way into each other, gripped tightly, and moving in rhythmic motion.  In the end, bathed in sweat I would often linger inside of her kissing her gently.  Sometimes we even dozed off in that very position.

The next day we started with coffee and Beignets at the Cafe du Monde.  We then toured NOLA's beautiful Garden District.  The old homes still decorated for Christmas were lovely.  We also walked through some of those old cemeteries and admired the Gothic beauty of the crypts and mausoleums (which of course have to be above ground as the city is below sea level).  We meandered back to Jackson Square enjoying a peaceful carriage ride and touring St. Louis Cathedral.  All in all a wonderful taste of what makes New Orleans such a timeless place rich in the melting pot of classic old world cultures.

 

By the afternoon we were tired and the game was that night.  We headed back to our room.  Time was short and we both wanted to shower.  Being expeditious people, mindful of time, we of course decided to share the shower.  Shannon's long elegant body with her subtle soft curves were hypnotic as the water cascaded over her.  I ran the soap over her shoulders and down her back.  I nibbled at her neck and ran my hands around her waste.  As I pressed my fingers into her she sighed and instinctively leaned forward.  The hotel shower was large and we instinctively moved to our knees in tandem and were now on the floor of that shower.  Shannon leaded forward to her all fours.  She reached back underneath her body and between her legs and guided me into her.  Her soft body was slick and shiny from the water washing over us and the frothy soap bubbles still clinged to our bodies adding contour as they washed slowly across her beautiful round ass and down those lovely legs.

 

It was rapid and energetic sex as I moved into and out of her with ease, my hips mashing briskly into her soft cheeks.  But the heat of the shower and the close confines made orgasm difficult for me.  Mindful of time I motioned her to rise.  I then picked her up wet and soapy and carried her into the bedroom.  We flopped on the bed and I glided into her.  We were a sloppy, soapy, wet mess and it felt as if we could not be more naked.  This did not take long and we orgasmed together in a collective gasp.

 

BSU is not LSU

After, we got ready for the game and walked down to the Superdome and met our friends.  We enjoyed an epoch game that Big State U won with a terrific second half performance.  Once the game ended we headed down with the group to Bourbon Street and enjoyed a wonderful New Year's Eve.  Hurricanes on Bourbon Street as we counted down the New Year was so fun.  Running into old and happy Big State U buddies in the Big Easy was endearing.  But holiday sex in that festive mood, in comfortable surroundings, and with the one you love - Priceless!  Laissez les bon temps rouler!

And here is a great Harry Connick tune!  Man is he one handsome dude!  :)

Ryan's Repeats - It's All in Your Mind

I was really torn over which post from December, 2011 to repeat.  My first inclination was to either re-post my edited version of the Twelve Days of Christmas (with a sprinkle of Ryan's adult-centric humor) or a post about coffee or rather a generational analysis based on coffee consumption.

But I feel I have been straying from my mission and purpose of late and the last thing I need to do is another post about categorizing people.  Seems like between trips to California and the mall all I can think about is how to put a label on that cute cashier at Banana Republic or the hot mom in line for the Tower of Terror.

Of course you might ask me "Ryan I've been reading your blog for some time now and the only mission you seem to have is not working, chasing married women, working out at the gym, and finding ways to inconspicuously look at women's butts.  Am I missing something here?"

Well, you would mostly be right but at some point I wanted this blog to be about relationships or at least a little peak into the relationships this hapless married guy from the Greater Metropolitan Baltimore-DC area happened upon and how they affected me.

You know what, I think you are right maybe I should just talk about sports.  You see just this weekend one of my favorite teams lost a big game and ended their season.  It was one of those games that in retrospect hung on a few plays.  Early the game a defensive back for my team walked right in front of a screen pass on the 5 yard line.  He could have walked into the end zone but instead he dropped it.  Later, the other team clearly fumbled a punt but the refs missed the call.  Two big plays that didn't go our way.  But should we have won?  Who knows.  Probably not, the other team was the better team on that day so while a few plays could have made the game interesting and perhaps swung things our way we are really only left with the results.  I could play "arm-chair quarterback" all day but it won't change the ending result on the scoreboard.

You know it seems in life we so often play "arm-chair quarterback" with our relationships.  And as with all "arm-chair quarterbacks" we are always wise and correct because, of course, hindsight is 20-20.

But recently I have gotten some feedback from readers about their extramarital relationships as those relationships have either ended or transitioned.  And so it gave me pause to consider the end game to some of the relationships I have experienced through Ashley Madison.  Now that I think about it these relationships on AM seem to be somewhat like those Hunger Games we all seem to enjoy watching at the movie theatre.  As with the Hunger Games we all strive to succeed knowing that our success may well hurt someone.  We form allies to survive and use our guile to stay alive knowing that in the end the odds are not in our favor and for most it will end terribly.  And yet onward we proceed because in the end, in the arena, that is all that we can do.

So maybe each Saturday or Sunday afternoon we should just enjoy the game and not yell at the screen "quit running up the GD middle and throw the ball!"  And with our relationships maybe we should stop second-guessing and just live and enjoy them.  Because, as we know, sometimes the wrong team wins, often the "Career Tribute" wins the games, and often our extra-relationships fail.  We know that going in so don't be afraid of the outcome.

OH, and "may the odds be ever in your favor!"  I like that quote, I may use it sometime.


Ryan's Repeat
from December 12th and 16th, 2011.......

Part I:  And if You Give Me an Hour I'll Show You how I Feel

The big intersection with opportunity unfortunately came and went for Sandra and I.  Doug left for his family reunion later than expected and the day he was gone I just couldn't get away from work.

Sandra didn't really push because issues with her daughter and more specifically her son-in-law were getting really heated and she often had to help out with the kids.

You know there are levels of dissatisfaction.  Each of the women I had met (at this point 4) had significant issues with their husbands including being distant/detached, having low sex drive, or just simply being boring.  But hearing about Sandra's son-in-law was a new level.  In a word, her daughter was going through abuse and I have to say I really didn't know what to say or offer.  If it was my daughter I would know my response and the guy would get a first hand and personal lesson on abuse from me that he would not soon forget!  But I felt bad because from Sandra's description her husband Doug had really stepped up to the plate and helped out.  In fact I think she was worried that Doug was going to use some of that Marine training on her son-in-law (in my mind he deserved it).  But of course nobody would want to see Doug in jail.  Bottom line though, I really wasn't sure I had a place in this.

Regardless, there was not too much fun to report.  Sandra also had a birthday in July and was really fighting some depression as well.  Or at least outwardly so.

I also got the impression, just call it sixth sense, that she may have been seeing someone else.  I didn't have any hard evidence but the consistent last minute cancellations for some reason just gave me a sense that something else might be happening other than the family issues.

Anyway, as this Love and Rockets' song goes it was probably "all in my mind."

I have to say a better man would ride this out.  A bad man would start hitting AM again.  I guess I am a pragmatic man and so I started thinking about moving on knowing that it was probably not my place to lend a hand in Sandra's issues.  I would like to think that maybe it's best to step aside sometimes; she was in good hands with Doug - I was not sure she needed me.

 

Part II:  So Don't Be Unkind, It's All in My Mind

I mentioned in one of my Keeley posts that Sandra had sent me a note once saying "where did you go" when I had been absent for awhile.  It was not checking up on me, just a gentle nudge to make sure I was still out there.

With all her issues I just felt I should give her some space and see what happened.

My friend Kat has mentioned that blog and cyber-time is very different from reality.  I think it's like converting dog years to human years.  The time just goes much more quickly.  It may not seem like a long time to wait a week or two to e-mail someone.  But in cyber-time that is an eternity.

So as late July melted into August and as I just kept putting off e-mailing Sandra and as I never saw an e-mail in my inbox from her it started to become apparent that we were both moving on.

And I am not sure if I should say Sandra disappeared or if Ryan disappeared but in the end there was not reason to be unkind much was probably in my mind.  But regardless as we approached the end of summer, it was time to move on.  But Sandra is an awesome person and made me feel very good about myself.  I can only hope she thinks of me well also.

Btw, please note that I like the song but I don't wear make-up!  :)

December 3rd, A Date that Will Live in Infamy

It's My Blogoversary!

 or Why do we blog?

At this auspicious occasion of my 3rd Blogoversary I think it's important to paraphrase the great Winston Churchill by offering:  "never has so little been owed by so many to one idiot blogger!"

Yes, this is the 3rd anniversary of my blog which means I feel compelled and pressured to write something prophetic.  Which can only mean I'll really write something silly!

But before I get onto my theme today I do want to recall a meeting I recently had with another blogger.  That blogger recently wrote a post (here) and so I, of course, will pretend like I am paralleling that post with an anecdotal metaphorical simile.  Translation, I'm just going to steal the idea so I don't have to come up with an intelligent theme for my 3rd Blogoversary!

This transcendental convergence of bloggers seemed epic at first - would we really be able to meet, what would we talk about, would he spill the beans after that I'm really a dork?  Thankfully, Ad did show up at that Starbucks and he got his drink and I got mine and we sat down and started to talk.  Soon the left/right coastal blogging convergence became a conversation between two men all of a sudden not so different.  Two guys talking about figuring stuff out via this Google Blogging thing.  We liked a lot of the same stuff, were confused by the same stuff (translation - where the HELL has Kat gone; thankfully she has since returned), and of course had the same myriad of family challenges.  We both have daughters we hope to help navigate through life, get into college, and become hopefully a little smarter and more savvy than their dads!

In the end what I can truly say is that Advizor is in fact a very nice guy.  A guy living the same stuff I am and throwing it out there from time to time on a blog for the rest of us to take a quick peak at.

Of course we did talk a lot about blogs and as Ad's post indicated "why we blog?"

"Dang I miss Miss Inconspicuous too!"

We talked about blogs we used to love to read and some of our personal interactions with other bloggers via e-mail.  Ultimately we talked about why we do this seeing as we ain't getting paid.

As Advizor said perhaps we are looking for that spark that might give us inspiration to write the next great American novel or a catchy script.  Maybe it will be the next "Men of a Certain Age" or some type of "Dads Gone Wild."  Who knows?

For me, ever the quoter, this is probably like that Jim Croce song:  "like the pine trees lining the winding road; I've got a name, I've got a name."  I think we all have an inner story that screams to be told.  The beauty of social networks is that we now have a path for that story even if it just leads to a few followers.  And what we find whether we blog or just read is that some of the most interesting stories come for the most unsuspected sources (wait, that sounded so good but I really just paraphrased that thought off the movie Ratatouille).  In the end we connect by sharing those stories in a way that is way more meaningful than simply thinking "hey that Dad on Good Luck Charlie is just like me."  Yes, for me, it's better to be an active participant in the dialogue rather than just sitting on the sidelines and viewing the parade going by.  Maybe as I talk it out I can figure it out or maybe somebody will just call me out and then I'll know what it's all about.

As I think of that, it sounds so profound.  Which of course is not really my schtick so perhaps it's more like that climactic last sequence in "Horton Hears a Who" when all the Whos stand up and yell "we are here, we are here....," in hopes of averting being cast into boiling water.  Because you know "a person's blogger's a person no matter how small goofy."

Yes I think we all want someone to know that we are here and that perhaps in doing so we can connect in some meaningful way.  Maybe that is the ultimate saving grace of social media that others may know we are here and that we are going through the same life challenges.  That connection to some other person in Valdosta or Vietnam brings solace to the soul just like running into a fellow blogger at some Starbucks in Orange County.

So perhaps that transcendental convergence at Starbucks in the real physical sense doesn't seem so spectacular but the journey that got us there is the important metaphysical transaction that makes this stuff important and transformational.  Yes, someone is really out there and they hear me and better yet they understand me or at least are going through something similar.  And if they are going through it and surviving, maybe we will all come out on the other side OK.

As for me, I've said before, I started out simply wanting to be an East Coast Riff Dog that perhaps was a little more "real guy'ish" and not so suave and sophisticated.  What I found is that I loved reflecting on my experience and sharing my perspective.  By tossing in a few pinches of humor I thought I might connect, sort of like a naughty Good Luck Charlie episode where the dad can't help being a screw-up.  Perhaps somewhere down the road I transcended my focus to attempt to be some idiot-man's Jerry Springer'ized F. Scott Fitzgerald short story social commenter.  Except for me I wanted to identify what it meant to be part of this hybrid social dating circuit in the electronic age perhaps no so far off from Fitzgerald heady "Jazz age" days.  Who knows, sounds good as I write it - for sure!

I guess in the end I'm still not completely sure why all this is so tempting.  What I do know is that this is my 375th post and I've probably written over 1,000 pages of content.  I guess if I were smarter I would have used that time to write a novel or script.  Surely there is a script deal out there for a Family Guy turned bad, a latter day Al Bundy chasing MILFs, a common man's Great Gatsby looking for his Daisy on a screwy cyber dating site!  But what makes it worthwhile is that 119 citizens of the world have for some reason clicked on to follow and that is an awesome feeling - well worth the time.

Anyway, I am truly grateful you guys have stopped in and read about these silly adventures.

As the song continues....

"They can change their minds but they can't change me.
I've got a dream, I've got a dream.
Well, I know I can share it if you want me too.
If your going my way, I'll go with you."

Thanks for going my way for a little while, it's been fun sharing the road!   :)

You know as I think about though my one main regret is that I never developed a blogging enemy or nemesis!  I think I would make such a great evil blogger!  But perhaps I am too much of a conciliator to have a true nemesis.  Perhaps someone could be my "Frenemy!"  Would you be my "frenemy?"  :)

Juliet When We Made Love You Used to Cry

You know when you mess around on AM and worse yet you start to blog about it you can get a little jaded about love and relationships.  But I am the eternal optimist.  In my life I have seen that while humans have a limitless ability to do mean and stupid things, they also can do the most amazing things that just send your heart aflutter!

Wait Ryan the first paragraph gave me no sense that you were:  1 - going to talk about sex (which of course you rarely do) or Ashley Madison, 2 - food (which as you may know the biggest food holiday is in two days), or 3 - sports.  If you are not going to talk about that stuff then what else are you even remotely qualified to talk about (as if you were even qualified to talk about the listed points either)!  Surely you are not going to talk about lovey dovey feeling stuff.  What in the world would you know about that for Christ sake!

OK, you're right, I'm going to talk about sports! 

I love this time of year, perhaps even more than bowl games.  This is the time of year for those epoch state rivalry games.  I like them even better than bowl games because at bowl games everybody is happy to be there and even if your team loses hopefully you had the chance to get drunk and laid in New Orleans or Miami or well Shreveport for that matter (who cares you got drunk and laid)!  However, in contrast those end of the year rivalry games offer joy, hate, glory, triumph, and perhaps even redemption all wrapped up into one.  When redemption and glory are on the line, well, you know a game means something.  For example Big State U plays our big state rival this week.  Even though our rival truly sucks I still will watch and hopefully enjoy BSU doling out another generous helping of butt kickage because BSU's rival is such a bunch of snotty pricks.  For me and Big State U fans the game offers an annual dose of pleasure at seeing the bad guys suffer.  However, on the slim chance Big State looses our pretentious snotty rivals will gain a good dose of redemption though they have suffered through a miserable year.  Wouldn't life be great if you could always have a chance at redemption at the end and right all the wrong that had gone on over the past year.

But as I have learned over the year's growing up in the South one state rivalry trumps them all.  This one state lives and breaths football as much as any other but no state has had two teams as competitive over the years as the state of Alabama.  Between the two schools they have won the past four National Championships.  And for that reason the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama is the measuring stick for all hate filled state rivalries.  Heck, an Alabama fan actually tried to poison the historic trees on the campus of Auburn University a few years ago.  Now that ain't tree huggin', that's pure old fashioned home cooked hate!

And it is that game that is the background of a true LOVE STORY.

Wait?  Hold on a second!  What happened to the sports?  Psyche, I am talking about lovey dovey stuff - I just sucked you in on the sports!  :)

See this year's Auburn-Alabama game offers the ultimate Romeo and Juliet.  Yet the fact that this love has lasted is even more uplifting than that ancient Shakespearean tail.

You see Katherine Webb, that viral star beauty who conquered Sports Illustrated, reality TV diving competitions and gave Brent Musburger a woody on national TV is in fact an Auburn graduate and her boyfriend is the QB at Alabama.

Now I suppose it's not so unusual to date a guy from a rival school and her boyfriend A.J. McCarron is (I guess) a cute guy to be sure and likely to be the recipient of an NFL contract next spring.  But let me tell you something, that's a Tom Brady body above there buddy!  And A.J. ain't Tom Brady yet.

Ms. Webb could have had about any guy she wanted over the past year.  And by that I mean guys of the Tom Brady/Brad Pitt caliber.

You see Juliet was a sweet girl and her love of Romeo was timeless.  But let's face it Romeo was the fer shizzel in Verona and his family was loaded.  Juliet didn't have the option of hooking up with an NBA star or signing onto a movie deal with some glitzy director/producer.

Which gets me back to the fact that I find it mildly sweet, in even my jaded heart full of spiders, that Ms. Webb still adores her 'bama QB.  In spite of all she could have she stays true to her college beau.  I nearly shed a tear when I read this article about her fears at attending this year's Iron Bowl.

OMG, that hot and willing to forgo the attentions of the rich and famous and willing to face down her Capulet family from Auburn and maintain her star-cross love affair with her Crimson Tided Romeo Montague from U of Alabama.  I am truly touched.

It's times like this that I realize us idiot guys really don't deserve the love of a good women, but thank God we get it sometimes!

Now let's away yonder past Tuscaloosa's McFarland Blvd to Dreamland BBQ or to Toomer's Corner and hug it out!  And for the love of God decide what to call yourselves Crimson Tide, Tigers, Elephants, Eagles you know this split personality thing is never good for any relationship!

That being said based on my deep analytical game analysis, the Tide has too many cool names on their roster including Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Vinnie Sunseri, and Deion Belue to lose.  But that 10.5 point spread is a bit high.  The Tigers beat Johnny Football in College Station and the Tide struggled with that high powered A&M offense.  My tip - Alabama wins but bet the Tigers to beat that spread.


The Montagues:

 

 

The Capulets:



Too Much Time on My Hands

So this event happened to me about two months ago but as I think about the oncoming "Black Friday" shop-o-gasm next week I pause to speak a little about places no man should go no matter how adventurous.  You see I consider myself well traveled visiting New York, Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco, LA, even out of the way places such as Opelika, Alabama and Olatha, Kansas.  As with many professional men I have a certain air of confidence that I control my destiny and whichever environment I traverse.

However, as I recently found out one should think about their adventures before they undertake them well considering their preparedness as well as the necessity of said adventure.  One never wants to charge up the Himalayas without a good coat or travel down the Amazon without bug spray.

And so it was one Thursday afternoon as my car was in the shop that I found myself in a foreign land.  A land so bleak and yet simultaneously so dense it dwarfed the vastness of the Mojave Desert and the blinding infinity of wildness of the Rainforest.

What horrific land is this that I describe?  It is in fact a foreign land that no professional male should ever see or seek.  It was in fact the mall at 2 pm on a rainy Thursday.  For as I found that bleak day a suburban mall is no place for professional man.  In fact my very presence disturbed that delicate balance of the eco-system.  Of course I roamed the isles of the JC Penny's in total innocence simply seeking a pair of sports briefs for the gym.  But I may as well have been a ferocious Lion stalking through the Savannah as females craned their necks in shock to get a glimpse of this rare creature as if they were Meerkats trying to figure out why a strange beast had invaded their manor and should they be leery!

The funny thing is that I was as scared as the inhabitants of this place.  I thought to myself, men's apparel is to the right but what if I take a wrong turn at cosmetics and and get caught in women's lingerie?  Will they think I am just some dirty old man out for a cheap whack-off on his coffee break?  Oh my?

Fortunately Madison, a brave and confident young 20-something female associate, eagerly encountered me; obviously perceiving my weakened state.  She offered "can I help you find something sir (with a cute smile)?"

OMG, I think..., those tits are so young and perky I can see them now bouncing up and down upon my face as she maneuvers over me.  Yes this is surely a lead into a proposition.  However, my reply is a mild "where is your sportswear."  She smiles and says "let me show you."

Ah see, what is actually lovely about being a male in a store is that the hunter becomes the hunted and cute young females know a professional man is an easy target for an up-sale!

A few minutes later I return to the counter patiently waiting behind some old guy who has not grasped the concept of on-line checking and has actually driven to the JC Penny's to pay for his JC Penny's card in person with one of those old school paper checks.  I could have walked a few feet to Grandma (in her retirement job) who was only folding shirts at the cash register counter.  But no, I wanted another one of those 20-something smiles from my friendly female tour guide.  Just before my turn in line I see a tie just in the style I've been looking for, I grab it; it's needed and who want to just walk up to the register with two packs of undergarments.  Ms. 20-something sales associates smiles and says "I love this tie, it's going to look great on you; you know we have a sale.... buy 2 get the 3 one free."  Like a zombie I immediately go to the counter tie rack and pick out two more as if she had suggested I go to the back for a blow job.  See this is why female salewomen love men!  I even hold one tie up to see if she approves, and she coos with approval - sale closed.  She rings me up and I throw in 3 impulse purchase Godiva chocolate bars for good measure.  She laughs and says, "hungry are you?"  I let slip and say they are for my daughters.  She replies "awwwww, that's sweet."  Probably not the best line for a blow job but the look in her eye was enough for me to think I could have scored if I wanted to or were 20 years younger.  Anyway, necessary purchases made and ego stroked so all things considered a successful trip.

I then decide to take a scary adventure to the mall food court.  Along the way I see all forms of Geriatric walking gangs, goth slackers, and super stroller-buddy mommies (some I think pre-ordained to be future AM customers).  All things you don't realize exist when you work for a living.  But wait (head twists quickly) behold in yonder window draped in silky pink stringy thingys.....

I need a thong for my AM girl; bra for the wife!

Somewhere along the path I walk past the ultimate male danger zone that is Victoria's Secret.  This of course is a false Heaven.  The place looks so inviting, the exact place where a man would wish to be but what key doth unlock this Heaven.  Can a man simply go inside and peruse the scantily clad models pictured on the wall and imagine the thong up the crack of that manikin is affixed to the beautiful round ass of that hot sales-girl behind the counter?  I bet not.  What story will yield validity to a Victoria's Secret expedition?  Panties for my daughter? SPOOKY!!!  Bra for my mother?  CREEPY!!!  Teddy for my wife?  BONG! That ain't going to get you into Chelsie's (the hot sales girl with the beautiful round ass) "Juicy" thong!  No this is a paradox; a black hole of temptation where paradise is never quite found!  Best move on and turn away from the false light.

Now ladies this is not an article of misogyny.  Yes there were men present, several.  Some were even in their 20's but they were of a different species of male.

Let's take a look at some of these Suburban Mall male specimen:

*  Fleece-wrapped Septuagenarian Slow Walker - This might be Ryan in 40 years (not).  This male shuffles along slowly behind  his female mate thinking about his next opportunity to pee and what's for dinner (and maybe the weather).  He is dressed in blue slip on velour looking shoes, relaxed fit sweat pants, and either a flannel shirt or pull over sweater that says "PaPaw," "Dollywood," or "Gatlinburg, TN."

*  Pale Skinned Ringed Goth Slacker - This person, when not in his room at mom's house playing War Craft or Grand Theft Auto, is lurking around the Game Spot looking for new versions of War Craft and Grand Theft Auto.  They only have a limited connection to reality as most of their time is spent running from the Po Po in Los Santos (their alternate real world).  They have pale skin and wooly hair or is that just the stocking cap that has been worn so long it has molded to their brain.  They tend to wear black and maintain an intricate heavy industrial chaining mechanism between their belt buckle and pocket.  If they have any equity it would be in Doc Martin's stock or simply the mulititude of Doc Martin shoes they own.

*  Skinny Jeaned Sideburned Electronic Hipster - This is the closest species to Ryan.  He actually dresses well, quite well actually with skinny jeans, a skinny Banana Republic Euro looking sweater, sleak slip-on Italian looking shoes, and he may actually have on a tie.  He is probably wearing glasses and has that brush up hair-do.  All Skinny Jeaned Electronic Hipsters work at the mall cell phone kiosk - they have formed a trade union.  If you need to sink, link, or upload anything or get an app for anything they know how to do it.

*  Faux LeBron Honky NBA Wanna Be - At the risk of being non-PC this is the white guy with a goatee, scraggly side burns, a LA Laker hat on side-ways with a LeBron James jersey on top of a Celtics long-sleeved tee shirt.  The LeBron Jersey hangs down over his Pabst Blue Ribbon signature gut and down to his knees almost covering his jeans that are a 52" waist about his 48" body.  The jeans cover the approximate area between half his ass (showing off his LA Clippers boxers) and somewhere between his knees and his ankles.  He has multiple tattoos about his neck, arms, and ankles including all Chinese zodiac animals and some fung shei sign thing that must signify the balance between wearing someone else's jersey and the extreme personal slackerdom.  He has on high top sneakers of course.  You wonder how he can afford all that apparel or why he is even wearing it as his 5'4" stature means he has never actually played basketball before.  Makes me remember how rad I looked back in the day with ankle sox in black high tops and bike shorts hanging out under my gym shorts!  Aw Ryan what a memory!

*  The Hills Have Eyes/Duck Dynasty Family - enough said

Note:  Hey did you know that Hall of Fame Pittsburg Steeler's QB Terry Bradshaw was actually the back-up to that Duck Dynasty guy at Louisiana Tech!  Yep, there is no end to the stupid facts Ryan knows!  :)

OH well, all in all not a bad day.  I did get my sports briefs, 3 cool new ties, had a moderately satisfying mall food court lunch, discovered new territory, met fascinating people I did not know existed, delighted my daughters with chocolate, and for once the car was under warranty so I didn't have to take out a 2nd mortgage for a tire rotation and balance!

But I ain't going back to the mall anytime soon.  Surely some female out there is willing to bear that cross for me and dress me how she feels fit in the appropriate Banana Republic attire.  When dressed properly I do make a great accessory for a lady!