Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Scary Monsters, and Super Creeps!

I don't travel for a living but I am proud that I have traveled a lot in my life and lived in different parts of the country.  I am almost never intimidated or feel uncomfortable by being in a different big city. I've driven in Manhattan and downtown Chicago and DC.  I've been to places like St. Augustine, FL and New Orleans that seem as if they are foreign countries.  Heck, I've been to foreign countries and places that don't speak English regularly like Montreal.

But one place just never quite seems comfortable.  It's not that it's a bad place because I love to visit - it is in fact an amazing place.  The inhabitant's faces look just like mine and even speak my language (sometimes).  But stepping off the plane in this one particular place doesn't feel like I'm walking into a foreign country.

No, whenever I'm here I feel like I'm having a Neil Armstrong moment.  "One small step for Ryan, one small step onto Planet California!"  Yeah, California is part of the United States but whenever I'm here it really does feel like a different planet.  So join me on -

Ryan's Scary California Adventure!

First of all let's take a look at the inhabitants of Planet California, seeing as I love to people watch.

*     Professional dress in California apparently is jeans that aren't ripped and a collard shirt.  Oh wait, simple professional means that shirt is not tucked in; tucked in would probably only be for formal business occasions like meeting with your plastic surgeon or pet aroma-therapist!  Business casual appears to be sandals and a "clean" surfing shirt.

*     Obviously there are a lot of great looking women out here.  In fact everyone looks healthy.  I think the thing that sets California apart is that the women in their 40's and 50's are still looking like sorority girls.  Back East around the age of 32 women's hair automatically reduces into a cute "mom-bob" or at most one of those "Jennifer Anniston shoulder length deals."  In Cali I see women who I assume are well into their 40's or even 50's and 60's dressed in tight yoga pants and with platinum blond hair that is perfectly curled and coiffured and hangs down half way from their shoulders to their perfectly zumba'ized ass!  I'm glad there is still a place where people are so self absorbed that they only have time for their hair, toning their ass, and getting a perfect tan!  I think Ronald Reagan said something about that once or was he cautioning us about socialized medicine, IDK?   :)

*     Did I mention everyone is too damned happy out here!  I'm happy most of the time as well but on the East Coast I feel I need a healthy daily dose of stress.  I'm reminded of Captain Kirk's quote to Spock's hippie brother in Star Trek III or XII (one of those) when he said "I need my pain, my pain makes me part of who I am!"  I don't know call me skeptical but anyone who smiles while going through airport security is either nuts, possessed with the Devil, or lives in California I guess.

That ass was in the Cali Screaming line!
*     Wow, Fox news likes to say one of those I states (Indiana or Idaho, not sure which) is the real America but out here?  This is the real melting pots.  Meet the Smiths in California and dad is Asian, mom is part Hispanic and Indo-Asian with Italian ancestry, and they apparently have adopted one kid from Africa and one from Ireland.  Actually, I have no clue where the kids are from I'm just looking at mom's Kim Kardashian ass with Angelina Jolia cheekbones - 'effin HOT!  I like it.

*     In my part of the world we have 4 seasons.  Summer is in July, fall in October, winter in January, and Spring in April.  Out here winter last until about 9 am in the morning (which they call 6 am in California; yes I'm still on east coast time), summer is at 2 pm, and then it goes back to winter around 9 pm (which we call Midnight on the East coast).  Yeah, I'm always totally *ucked up out here until the day I fly back and then I'm *ucked up back home for 3 more days!  But it is fun.

Awesome ride!
Oh well we did get over the Disney the other day.  I love California Adventure.  If you get out here Cars Land is a MUST!  LOVE it!  And I'm not a roller coaster guy but California Screaming is an awesome ride.  Although I was sure I was going to have to go K-Mart shopping during the ride (get it,? you know, "ship my pants")!  :)

Btw, I once said the Dole Whip float in Adventureland is the next best thing to sex.  And I found out it is, because I had to wait 40 minutes in line and pay outrageous amounts of cash to get some but once I started licking and sucking it down my suddenly liquidity aroused throat, I was delighted to have it.  And also btw that is closest thing I'll be getting to sex out here as Shannon is still way chillier!

Anyway, it was a scary adventure out here, but fun.  I also learned that if there are ghosts they are the imprints of souls that have adhered to a specific place over time, lingering over the years yet unable to communicate with those that are moving through time past their space.  In that they are like images on a projector that we may glimpse for a moment but will never speak to and similarly to them we, in the living world, may well be animated images moving past their space and time.  And yet I have hopes that those ghost as they float in the mist of time encounter other ghosts to move forward with.  This has been a weird few days and I have felt like a ghost or perhaps seen ghosts.  As Halloween approaches I have in this past day been haunted by the ghosts of my past as I have perhaps haunted them walking down the halls of this conference facility.  And yet as I have walked past the ghosts (or humans) of my past, this ghost has latched onto new ghosts (or humans) to network with and move forward with in my time.

I know that makes no sense and furthermore I never write off the cuff on impulse.  But that is where I am today.

"When I looked in her eyes they were blue but nobody home.
She could have been a killer if she didn't walk the way she do
and she do.
She opened strange doors
that we'd never close again."

More to come on my California Adventure.  Surely it is worth one of my bi-annual Disney food posts although it may not come for a few months.

But for now enjoy some Scary Monsters with David Bowie and

Happy Halloween!

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