I Have to Celebrate You Baby!

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)

Part III (the end, most likely)

from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

We started off with Fat Boy Slim so let's end with him too because these ladies do deserve to be celebrated.  But my point today is what did we learn from all this?  I'm all for the "take-aways" so here goes.

So what DID we really learn from all of this?  Of course we really didn't learn anything.  It's kind of like that movie "Tootsie" where Dustin Hoffman (as Tootsie) get's all the inside scoop on how to seduce a women from Jessica Lange (when she thinks Dustin's a woman) and then when he uses the exact wording on her as himself she slaps him.  In my case these ladies knew I was Ryan and I knew they knew I was Ryan and they knew I knew that all I had to be was myself and they would respond because they knew all along I knew they knew I knew what I was doing.  Who knew?  :)

But wait, amid all those "I knew's" (you know I love the "who's on first" humor, sorry to subjugate you to that) I think I said something pertinent about being myself.  And you know it might be that Dustin Hoffman failed when he regurgitated that line "you know I could lay down a big line and we could do a lot of role-playing....... but I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you."  The flaw was not the words, it was him saying the words because that is not who he was.  Well it might have been that he said "make love" which sounds so wimpy (should have said "do the nasty")!  And so instead of getting laid he got slapped!  SNAP!

You know now I'm thinking of that one note I wrote to Ms Northern Exposure.  Thinking of all that Shakespeare stuff I seem to recall that dude said something to the affect "to thine own self be true."

Hey wait, now I'm thinkin' maybe we did learn something!

Here is the thing on AM.  Any sap who can type out a few good lines can get a decent (and by decent I mean about 1:5) amount of responses.  But if the lady is into Opera and kink and your idea of kinky entertainment is grabbing that hot chicks tits in the nacho line at the Big and Rich concert then at some point you are going to hit a stalemate.  Best to be yourself.  It may lower your success rate from 1:5 to 1:20 but as they say in selling homes and getting jobs you only need to get lucky once, best to make it on your terms!

Chicks dig "turnkey!"

But also remember getting one response from AM is not all that hard.  Translating that one "you're funny, why are you here?" to a vineyard tour that leads to an extended indoor afternoon picnic at the Inn in Little Washington takes a little more skill.  I kind of go back to that Mr. Rourke image here.  You see Mr. Rourke is a little mysterious, you're not sure what you are in for.  But he is a charming, dapper, happy, soothing dude that makes it so easy to say yes.  And more importantly he is all about the "turn-key" which is what you have to do guys.  Yes fire up that car and do some drivin' and some planning and make it easy on the lady.  Drinks at that place she's been wanting to visit but never has, that one in the next town over close enough but not too close.  Yeah that's it.

But to get there you need a hook, something that connects you to her in a meaningful fascinating way that is a little bit more than a shared enjoyment of Grey's Anatomy.  A little humor never hurts either.

In the case of my ladies of course I didn't meet any of them but we did carry on our conversations a bit longer.

Ms Green Eyes called me out a bit for insulting her old Alma Mater in one of my Bowl Game Analysis prediction posts.  Hint here - Ryan is no Sub but I love it when a lady is confident enough to give me a little bit of a "razzing!"  When you screw up in that way it's a great way to be a little self-deprecating.  In my case I told her she should have "called me out on that!"  See ladies figure guys are going to say a lot of *ull *hit and they appreciate it when we know that we do.  Anyway that left the door open for me to say I knew a little bit about her school and a little bit about her part of the country.  We mentioned a few places in her area we both liked.  By the end she may have still thought me arrogant and a bit of an ass for saying what I did about her Alma Mater but she may well have wanted to tell me her disdain to my face - which of course would have been a plus because getting face to face any way possible is the ultimate goal right?!

Ms Northern Exposure and I had a conversation about Nine Inch Nails and how Reznor's lyrics are both sexy and threatening which mirrors well her desire for a little danger.

Sweet Southern Tea gave me a pass-key so I was able to enjoy her fabulour pics.  She is a real hottie but you know any guy can say "wow, babe - you have a great rack there.... my sausage would fit right in!"  No, while I'm sure any woman appreciates a man appreciating her "rack" if she does have a good "rack" you can bet she is used to having them appreciated by men.  I always go for the eyes and try to catch something out of the ordinary.  In Ms Tea's case she was wearing a brilliant sweater in the color of her favorite team with a wonderful pairing of big hooped earrings and necklace. I told her "that necklace is the perfect accompaniment to your long lovely neck..."  Yeah, trust me, if she has big tits she knows it but any lady wants to know you appreciate her taste.  And in Ms Tea's case it wasn't hard because she is super fine looking!  But Ms. Tea if you are reading I hate to tell you this but those Hairy Dogs did in fact "lick your Cocks!"  :)

VaLUVA was kind of easy.  Well, I mean it's not that she was is a slut it's just that I'm pretty familiar with her part of the world so we had a lot to talk about.  We are about the same age and I'm very familiar with where she went to college (been there many a time) so some good conversation about old haunts (and even past blog post since I mentioned her school in an FFF once).

SassyYankieLassie didn't write back to my original message.  Since she didn't I, of course, didn't assume it was because my note was awful so I played the typical "guy card" of going all passive aggressive and wrote to her gmail asking what was up.  She said she swooned!  Which basically means she is a wonderful lady willing to stroke the ego of a poor wayward blogger dude!

So I guess it's true "to thine own self be true!"  "Wanna know the rest?  Hey buy the rights!"  :)

Wait, I almost forgot one lady came to the party fashionably late.  Let's meet her as well!

Heartland Belle lives in the Midwest but loves the beach.  You know the ocean can be a frightening thing when you are not accustom to it, much like AM.  They are both lovely to look at and we are drawn to them as if by gravity.  And yet when you get to the edge you sense the power and the danger of the waves crashing in front of you.  You wish to dip your toes and experience the thrill of those waves moving over your body.  But you think to yourself what creatures lay beneath the murky waters; they say sharks live in them thar' waters!

I sensed this with Belle and knew a somewhat more "tender" message might be in order.  I have to admit as I was writing this a line from "the Outlaw Josie Wales" came to mind.  Josie the quite desperado (much like me) wooing the fare and timid young girl.


OH Heartland Belle,

Never fear I am here and I am your waiter so if you love sitting on the beach admiring the salty curls of those waves just call and I'll bring you some more boat drinks. For as Jimmy says (and I do to): "I'd like to go where the pace of life's slow, could you beam me somewhere Mr. Scott? Any 'ol place here on earth or in space you pick the century and I'll pick the spot!" So just think about those boat drinks and a handsome (not really) stranger who smiles and let's you know that jumping in head first is more fun when you are doing it with someone that feels like you've really known all along.

So what are those interests beyond those AM checks. Is there really more to life than "cottage country" and "good hygene?" Do tell, enquiring minds wish to know! ;)

You are right though you do live about as far from the beach as possible but maybe you can just click your heals and say "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore" and you can dream away.

But there are some dreamy spots in your lovely state. Dare I say I have enjoyed a sunset walk along the Kansas River after a good Italian dinner? That would be so lovely if it didn't take place in Jayhawk country but it did. Can you forgive me?  But it's nice in your part of the world as well.

So lovely of you to drop by! I've enjoyed spending a few characters thinking about our travels over the rainbow together or perhaps just a walk among the sunflowers where you can smell the sunshine!

How about a few characters back at me about those interests and your lovely life at the end of the rainbow!

Take Care,


So there you go - The Ashley Madison Project!  Now don't you think the world is a better place now!  :)

Doesn't relate but it is funny!

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