Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Do You Think It'd Be Alright, if I Could Just Crash Here Tonight

The Daily Ry-onion

April 1st, 2014 - Crimea, Russia

Reports out of Russia indicate that Ashley Madison has made a bold move towards moving occupational forces onto the peer website OK Cupid for an assumed attempt at annexation and "hot wi-fi'ing" the adultery cultures on both sites together.

A spokesperson for Ashley Madison, stated -

  "This is not a hostile take-over. We know that there is a significant population of 'cheat-speaking' members on OK Cupid that have found themselves onto that site due to the lack of dearth in infidelity opportunities.  These people who choose to live within the sphere of infidelity only wish the validation of being connected with like minded peoples.  We will not stand for them to be criticized and humiliated on a dating website just because they are married and yet want to chase hot young members of the opposite sex."

Apparently Ashley Madison is asserting that they are simply preserving age-old allegiances that were arbitrarily torn apart.  As geo-political theorist Dr. Ryan Beaumont said "you must understand that the cheater is a prowler who is prone to seek satisfaction in many environments but will be most happy when navigating within the spectrum of homologous individuals.  In the case of those cheaters on OK Cupid they are likely to wish they were on Ashley Madison and given a freedom of choice they will certainly do so.  Left alone on the OK Cupid site they will be prone to mischief and both cultures will suffer.  I predict that if given the opportunity for a referendum those adulterers will choose to align with Ashley Madison and leave OK Cupid.  I think America should stand aside on this one and let them go.  As for me I just want to have the opportunity to put a puck past one of those cute Russian goalies!"

OK Cupid released a statement after the incursion "OK Cupid vigorously protests Ashley Madison's usurpation of our sovereign web property that has justly been assigned to our company.  This company was formed in post-information age freedom and Ashley Madison's renegade seizure is in sharp contrast to that spirit."

A referendum has been scheduled for next Sunday to determine where OK Cupid will remain.  Preliminary indications are that the adultery population within OK Cupid has enough weight to move the vote in favor of annexation by Ashley Madison thus moving the site from singles to cheaters at the ballot box.

Vladi's main side-squeeze!
Never lacking for relevant commentary, Russian President Vladimir Putin added to the dialogue "peoples of a certain population should be allowed to exist freely where they feel most comfortable to get it on.  I myself would never have been found by my mistresses looking for the strong powerful man who likes to wear no shirts were it not for the heroic efforts of my friends Ashley Madison.  I fully support and recognize Ashley Madison's endeavors and independence from tyranny and look forward to a rich and rewarding relationship with them for may year's to come.  OK Cupid is just a front for meddlesome Western 'goody-goody's' who would not know what to do with a MILF if she was making vodka naked in front on them.  They need to take their warmongering and puritanical ideas back to the West and leave Russia to us prowlers who appreciate a Russian girl who just wants an ex-KGB guy who likes to show off his massive 'GUNS.'"

In response to Putin's support of the Ashley Madison incursion, the Borowitz Report reports that OK Cupid has recently lobbied US and European Union governments to freeze Arrangement Finder and OurTime.com memberships of Senior Russian officials.

Hey young lady do you speak sexy!
As OK Cupid Chris Coyne said "and you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I ever had.  If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone.  We just won't expect too much from the Russians and we might not be let down.  I guess what that Beaumont guy was saying if you can't beat 'em join 'em.  What's the worst that could happen, we actually meet a real Russian bride!"

Happy April Fools Day!

1 comment:

GoodWill said...

Hilarious. And the song lyric in the title is one of my favorites yet.