Friday, May 30, 2014

I Hate These Blurred Lines

If You Can't Read from the Same Page.....

I washed down a bite of Caribbean Shrimp with the last swallow of my second Balashi.

I leaned back in my rattan chair and watched Shannon enjoying her White Sangria, hair blowing softly in the wind with golden locks highlighted in the foreground of a drenching light from the setting sun.  It seemed Hemingway'esque to me I fancied, slightly perking up from a brooding mood.  Yes in this atmosphere I did fancy myself a Hemingway man stoic, quiet, cerebral contemplating the scene and perhaps life over his drink. Shannon, across from me, the evocative, powerful, and charming female who needs to be in the company of adoring men yet holds them at arms length while simultaneously needing that admiration. I watched as Shannon gazed across the landscape breathing in deeply at the same moment.  I could tell she wanted to take in the tapestry of it all and I knew it delighted her that she was perhaps the protagonist in that tapestry, though I suspect she was more enchanted by her environment than her deuteragonist sitting across the table. In the background a hip band pumped out the thick beat of a song that suddenly held a theme that captured the moment for me.


"Everybody get up, everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey.... hey, hey, hey..."

That's that song, I think; the one that's sort of controversial.  Of course Shannon knows it, she knows everything but why do my girls know it.  Oh well, I'm the last to know anything.  That band sounds good, we should check them out after dinner, I thought to myself.

Several thousands of miles away another beautiful blond held my thoughts as well.  I pondered on how this scene would be different if she were here instead of current company.  Would my scene be like this latter day Sun Also Rises scene or perhaps something as vibrant but not so brooding.  If she were here I bet she would want to dance and I bet she could get me out there.  I'm no good at dancing but I bet she wouldn't mind, she would make it fun.  I can be stupid with her and not worry about being stupid.  But it's Shannon who earns the points for these trips.  If I were with her ..... well, this would have to be Ocean City not here.  You know what, I'd rather be in Ocean City with her than here.  Are you crazy Ryan, this place is awesome.  How many people liked your Facebook status earlier today and wished they were here.  My thoughts spun around, blurred amid the music and ocean smells.

"Are we ready for dessert?"  The waitress asked?

The band was on a break so we ordered Flan for Shannon and I, a Brownie Sundae for the girls.  We gobbled down dessert and happily discussed if this was as good as the Flan at the San Angel Inn or our favorite restaurant back home.  The answer, yes.  It had a different, almost cake like texture; it was homemade, I knew, not "convenience."  The girls laughed, "you guys can't just enjoy your food, you always have to analyze."  They know us, we laughed too.

Yes, this is our family; this is who I am when I'm with them and I can be happy here.  Who wouldn't be happy here.  What man wouldn't want to be in this atmosphere with this women and these two beautiful daughters.  How can dissatisfaction blur the happiness one should have?

"Maybe I'm going deaf,
maybe I'm going blind,
maybe I'm out of my mind...."

But then again, the other week holding her next to the river felt so right.  I consciously thought to myself then that she is my women, the woman that feels so right, that moves in tandem with me.  These concentric circles blur it all.

The band picked up again.  They were a three piece band bass, guitar, and drums with a computer playing synth. Yeah they were a local band but the type of band that after that fourth Balashi or frothy boat drink you stumble up to them and boldly state "you guys need to get signed, do you have a CD?"  The lead singer was uber cool with a Tommy Bahama shirt, shorts, sandals, sunglasses, and a very chic looking Cuban Fedora.  He was dark, I guess not appropriate here to say African American as here the blurred lines of nationality and ethnicity are uncertain.  He had a great voice and stage personality and the crowd immediately melted back into the vibe his thick bass lines created.  In another life he could certainly be as good as some of the singers I hear on XM Radio but now, between sips of my drink, I wondered how much was he a small island Caribbean version of Bootsy Collins or how much the Wedding Singer.  Four Balashi's will start to give you blurred lines but right now it didn't matter, he was the Caribbean Bootsy in this moment and he had the crowd moving!

I'm the analyst and watcher though, I don't ever let myself get that way.  But I enjoyed watching the people and enjoyed how this band could segue from KC and the Sunshine Band to "Call Me Maybe" and then back to that modern funk.  A good bar band can do that. Yes, the lead singer did have a great personality and I appreciated how he was working the crowd.  I wish this could go on all night, for a moment I'm happy right here right now just being.
But even the analyst gets caught up in the moment.  If I just put my arm gently around Shannon's hips, maybe it would lead to a slow movement together, maybe a connection.

But if she were here, she would be all over me.  Whenever I'm with her, her hands go to me as if I'm a magnet, as if we were meant to be connected, as if I'm a soothing cool stream she yearns to wash over her.  My thoughts are blurred, I'm looking at Shannon but I'm seeing her.  But Shannon is just as pretty, maybe prettier.  If only she could like me like she does this would all be solved, clean, no blurred lines.

Long term affairs generate blurred lines.  When you've been with someone for over two years you develop habits and tendencies.  You try to hide them in your normal life but vacation takes you out of the norm.  You start reaching for those comfortable tendencies you enjoy with your affair partner.  In the comfort and relaxation of your vacation you want to go to that happy place you enjoy with THAT person.  But you are with your wife who doesn't see in you as the person you are with THAT person. You want to be who you are with her but you can't, that's not who you are in this world.  The lines are blurred and navigation is difficult and tumultuous.

The band played their final song but was pulled back onstage for an encore, yes this crowd didn't want to see them go either and the singer did not disappoint.  Two notes into their encore and I knew the crowd would be going crazy - Funkadelic!  If there was a roof the crowd would soon be tearing it down.  Yeah, this is a good bar band and they know just what they are doing, this is the song they were meant to sing; the one everybody has been waiting for even if they didn't know it until just now.  "We need the funk, gotta have the funk..."  The band "turn(ed) this mutha out!"  Everybody was in blurred ecstasy whipped into a crescendo by the end!

God if I was with her it would be so perfect.  We would slowly walk down the beach back toward the hotel. There would be play, pushing one another into the surf, kissing, teasing.  And then, once in the room, we would totally have animal sex.  She would pull me into her as if she couldn't get me close enough.

"What do they make dreams for,
when you got them jeans on,
what do we need steam for,
you the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky...."

But now I can look forward to polite conversation and the NBA playoffs on the tube before rolling over to sleep.

Other's were walking back to the hotels as well.  Drunk packs of millineals heading back to the hotel bar for another and perhaps final round of blurred merriment, loving couples who's bodies melted into one another blurred by the shadows of the moon, and I, looking up at the stars and out towards points of light in the water wondering if the people underneath those blurred lights floating on the ocean were happy or lonely.  So many blurred lines about.

My only question was which of my lines were blurred?  Is this environment here with my family my reality.  Is the crisp detail of my life what is meant to be.  Or is the crisp feeling of belonging I feel when I'm with her what's real.

I don't know what the answer is I just hope one day I wake up and my thoughts are clear, not blurred. Maybe one day.

And yes as one great stoic character said, "isn't it pretty to this so."







Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

[Verse 1: Robin Thicke]
If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
[Pharrell:] Everybody get up

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
[Pharrell:] Everybody get up

[Verse 2: Robin Thicke]
What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Hey, hey, hey

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
[Pharrell:] Everybody get up
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

[Verse 3: T.I.]
One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to
Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you
So hit me up when you pass through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable
In a hundred years not dare, would I
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by
Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that
So I just watch and wait for you to salute
But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

[Bridge: Robin Thicke]
Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me, Dakota to Decatur, uh huh
No more pretending
Hey, hey, hey
Cause now you winning
Hey, hey, hey
Here's our beginning

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
I always wanted a good girl
(Pharrell: Everybody get up)
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
(Pharrell: Everybody get up)
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

[Outro: Pharrell]
Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey


4 comments:

~McKPR said...

I don't have an answer but I live those moments just as you described them. I've never had an affair before meeting "him" and we just hit two years in April. We are a long distance pairing (over 3,000) so for me, seeing him virtually, in real time during the work day if even for a moment or two is important to me, especially since we don't know when we'll be together again outside of an annual trip to a city where we both are anonymous. Weekends are hard but I know the work week is just on the other side. Vacations-that's when I miss him and how I feel when I am with him so much. We are disconnected, as it should be as he's with his bride and family, but I find myself wondering if he can imagine me there with him. Or when I travel and I imagine how we would be ourselves with one another. *sigh* thank you for sharing, enjoy the rest of your get away.

Same sassy girl said...

Damn... you are a hammer! Hitting the nail right on the head. This is EXACTLY what it feels like. Only you describe it much better than I could... thank for doing that so I know I am not alone in this bifurcated zone.

Ryan Beaumont said...

@McKPR - that sounds tough, hang in there and enjoy the other relationship for what it is, some solace in a muddled world.

@Sassy - See I wanted to use bifurcated but I could find a song with that in the lyrics and blurred seemed to flow better with moonbeams and sunsets! :)

Olivia G. said...

Your words describe exactly how I feel as well. When I am with my husband surrounded by our family, I feel good, I feel like I belong and like that's my reality. But I can't help but wonder what my reality would be like if it were A beside me instead of my husband. Would it be better? Happier? I know it would be sexier... But would that last? Would I be more fulfilled if it were A who was sharing my life? Long term affairs are confusing because they become so meaningful and we can't help but wonder which path is the "right" one... That's how I am feeling anyway :)