I copied and pasted these lyrics (below) into a blog entry a while back just in case I was at a loss for words one week. I guess you could say it's an emergency spare post. However, I'm coming toward an anniversary of sorts later this week that I will talk about later so maybe this is a good set up for that so here we go.
A few people have made comments about why I tolerate Shannon. Of course anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows they are complicated and what makes sense for one person doesn't necessarily make sense for someone else. I certainly won't try to make sense out of my marriage in a one page blog entry, they write whole books about that kind of stuff.
But there is a song on the Classic Country station I listen to that I believe best and most succinctly puts into perspective my feelings on the subject. So here it is:
What I'd Say
Talking to the mirror, whispering your name
It's just like you were here, you'd think I was insane
I hold these conversations, the silence of my room
Rehearsing all the things I'd say should I run into you
"How's it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But, God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say
There's times I've been so angry I could put my fist right through the wall
And then there times I've come so close to giving you a call
I love you and I hate you all at the same time
And then I pray you'd come back to me before I lose my mind
"Hows it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say
I have also been thinking of that Elton John song "Love Lies Bleeding" a lot recently, maybe that will be my theme for later in the week.
Thoughts anyone?
A few people have made comments about why I tolerate Shannon. Of course anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows they are complicated and what makes sense for one person doesn't necessarily make sense for someone else. I certainly won't try to make sense out of my marriage in a one page blog entry, they write whole books about that kind of stuff.
But there is a song on the Classic Country station I listen to that I believe best and most succinctly puts into perspective my feelings on the subject. So here it is:
What I'd Say
Talking to the mirror, whispering your name
It's just like you were here, you'd think I was insane
I hold these conversations, the silence of my room
Rehearsing all the things I'd say should I run into you
"How's it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But, God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say
There's times I've been so angry I could put my fist right through the wall
And then there times I've come so close to giving you a call
I love you and I hate you all at the same time
And then I pray you'd come back to me before I lose my mind
"Hows it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say
Or maybe God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say
I've read many other blogs and this seems to be a common theme. Perhaps its passive aggressive behavior, perhaps its being gulable, perhaps it's not wanting to admit failure after sticking with something for so long, who knows? Or maybe it's just settling into a familiarity with the distance and pain so much that you can simply talk about the weather with someone that makes you angrier than you ever thought possible.
I have also been thinking of that Elton John song "Love Lies Bleeding" a lot recently, maybe that will be my theme for later in the week.
Oh it doesn't seem a year ago
To this very day
You said I'm sorry honey
If I don't change the pace
I can't face another day
To this very day
You said I'm sorry honey
If I don't change the pace
I can't face another day
Thoughts anyone?
2 comments:
It seems clear to me you feel a tremendous amount of guilt and blame for where your relationship has ended up.
It also seems clear that Shannon knows this and exploits it to get what she wants out of you without having to pay anything back.
Sounds like a good deal for her, not so much for you. When you wake up and realize that you're not to blame, you'll be able to free yourself from her manipulation. This may not mean you break up, but you'll be able to live your own life for yourself, just as she is doing for herself.
I read your entire blog the other day, including all the Shannon stuff. One thing sticks with me. You write her story and thoughts very well. I think a great spouse can do that. You know all the stories, talked all the talk. Not sure I'd ever ask you why you tolerate her. Sounds like you've both been living your own lives for a while now. Looking forward to reading more :)
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