This is part II of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together. If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction. Or at least go to Part I of
Shannon’s story (here).
But for those of you who have been reading along with me, why would I do such a thing? Yes to be certain part of it is because my “brain is full of spiders and (I) have garlic in my soul” J But actually Shannon and I were discussing the Disney shows that our kids watch a few weeks ago. Most we hate but a few are OK. Our favorite we decided was Hanna Montana because the adult character played by Billy Ray Cyrus is so well developed and thus an aspect of the show that us adults can understand and relate. In fact, I enjoy him and the brother Jackson much more than Hanna. So then I started to think about how horror movies or Gangster films are so much better when the antagonist is developed. Like
Lecter, such a terrible person yet intriguing because we are allowed to see his personality through his voice. Then I started to think about my blog and how I thought it would have more meaning if I gave Hannibal Shannon a voice. So here I am. And I have actually found it easier though admittedly painful to reveal our past through her voice (or at least my interpretation of her voice). And btw Shannon is not really like Lecter, she is not at all into Chianti and Fava beans – she is more of a sweet white wine kind of lady. Oh, and I don’t think she eats anybody either! J Hannibal
My feeling throughout this marriage has been that I am clearly not driving this car and I feel like I am the third lead actor in a movie about someone else’s life and I have no control. Even our honeymoon had to be put on hold. Rather than going right after we got married we went about 4 months later when it was more CONVENIENT for Ryan. It was fairly nice though although I had always dreamed of something more than just a week on
Florida’s . And we both got sunburned the first day so we ended up inside a lot and not for sex (which would have been very painful at that point). A lot of the issues in our marriage have been a result of my struggle to find something for myself or at least rebelling against the path I was on. Gulf Coast (there is a reason its called the Redneck Riviera)
I could write a lot about our first two years together. But mostly it was about me driving to school and then waiting for Ryan to get home from work. There was the occasional night out on the weekend. But often money was tight a message Ryan drove home consistently. I did have a part time job but we were mostly living on Ryan’s salary and I was in graduate school full time. Ryan is very frugal and I’ll admit I enjoy spending money so that was often a source of discord.
Mostly I lived for the holidays and summer when we would travel back home or to other places like the time we went to a bowl game to see Ryan’s team – that was enjoyable. We did spend a New Year’s Eve at Disney and had nice trips to
New Orleans and . While I hated living in this particular town in the extremely rural Deep South, I always was able to embrace the culture as I am a proud Southerner as well, though more Memphis South Atlantic.
Often the weekends seemed worse because I didn’t have school on my mind and the loneliness was just pervasive and controlled me. But this life did embolden me to be more independent and self-assertive. On one Spring Break I drove out to
to do research for a paper I was writing at the time. For a lot of reasons I won’t go into here two years prior that would not have been something I would have done. Graduate school was a challenge but I was excelling and gaining more confidence and I was now seeing myself as a professional Texas
Under those circumstances though I was very susceptible to the fates!
And so toward the end of our 2+ years in that small Southern town fate allowed me to meet Sammie. Sammie was a college student in the small town where we lived. He was Latino and was in the States to play basketball. We crossed paths many days and I could see he was always looking at me. We finally started speaking and he was always happy to see me and to speak. He was GORGEOUS! He was tall, handsome, and had a chiseled physique with a beautiful café au lait complexion. We began a flirtation for several weeks. He would stop by where I worked on certain days and I started to make sure I dressed very sexy on those particular days. One day when Ryan was out of town he stopped by just to check on me, he came in and we talked for a long time. I began to fantasize about him. I questioned where I was going with this, but I missed those days when I was coveted. On another day, soon after, I stopped by his apartment when I was out for a walk – Ryan was working of course. As I was getting ready to leave Sammie surprised me, grabbing me and kissed me passionately. I started to pull back but relented and started kissing him back. After what seemed an eternity he let me go. We spoke a little longer. He said he wanted me and had been attracted to me from the start. He said he had an affair with an older, married woman back in his country before he came to the states. He said he knew and liked Ryan and didn’t want to change anything for me but he did want to have sex.
Later that week Ryan was going to be at the gym after work and I knew he would be home late, he is always consistent that way. I invited Sammie over. I was not sure what would happen, this was a big risk and I was scared but I could not turn back now.
Sammie came over about 15 minutes after Ryan left so there would be about 2 hours before I expected Ryan back. The bottom living room area of our townhome was too open so we went upstairs to talk. Of course upstairs there was only 1 bathroom and 2 bedrooms so the only place to talk was sitting at the edge of a bed. There was some brief small talk to begin with but I knew it was just an appetizer for what I both feared and hoped was surely to come.
to be continued…..