Shit My Dad Says

OMG people, don't you have anything better to do on a Holiday than to read this sorry blog!  :)  This is an autopost, my ass is going to the pool today!

Oh well, sense you are here, this is a hilarious site I found through facebook!

http://shitmydadsays.com/

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."

"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."

"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."


And the Ultimate Advice for the Ashley Madison Adventurer!

"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."

"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."

What She Called a Chevy was a '66 Corvette

Or 'Cause if I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner, Everyone would be in Love with Me

So the 2 titles are a bit disorganized.  The lyric above is from Private Malone, a minor country hit when it was released near 9/11.  I think it is a nice way to remember those who serve in the armed forces over this holiday weekend.  Additionally, the song very succinctly describes the reality and sadness of lost dreams when young men and women are asked to sacrifice for their country.

But Memorial Day is also the figurative start to summer and of course the beginning of the grilling season.  And of all foods to grill, hot dogs are at the top and a topic I have learned a lot about over the years.  Hey, everyone should be an expert on something even if its as mundane as hot dogs :)

So here is some history and regional information about one of America's favorite foods.

The hot dog came to us from Germany and Austria where a frankfurter is a pork sausage served on a bun and a Weiner which is a similar Austrian food.  These foods started showing up in America in the late 19th century with German populations on Coney Island and in St. Louis.  While originally referred to as a frankfurter the term hot dog came into use around the turn of the century.  The term hot dog became more prominant during and after WWI due to anti-German sentiments in the US.  The hot dog early on tended to be a working class/portable food ideal for street vending.  Because of the need for portability the hot dog was served on buns early on to patrons who needed a quick bit on their lunch break.  The hot dog was popularized at the 1904 St. Louis World Fair (along with the ice cream cone - another story).  It showed up a ballparks just before the turn of the century at St. Louis Browns games.

As the hot dog became more popular it also began to get regionalized.  So here are some variations on how hot dogs are served around the country.

My #1 favorite is the Chicago Style Hot Dog.  The Chicago style dog is all beef and is steamed or boiled (until it floats), served on a poppy seed bun, and is topped with yellow mustard, chopped onions, a very bright green pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, sliced tomato, and a dash of celery salt.  This is called "dragging through the garden."  And of course the brand has to be Vienna Beef (absolute best hot dog in the world).  The style of serving developed around Maxwell Street during the Depression in Chicago and was a cheap and portable way for working class Chicagoans to get a quick and complete meal on the go.  But now just look for the greasiest looking place that might be located around the El and you will probably find a great dog!

A New York hot dog should be served with spicy brown mustard and sauerkraut.  The most famous brand is of course Nathan's that started as a small hot dog stand on Coney Island and now hosts the World Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Downtown and along the streets of Manhattan you are more likely to see Sabretts at the numerous carts.  I have to admit Nathan's hot dogs are not my favorite, a bit bitter to me.  Sabretts are OK, I would say from this part of the country I prefer Hebrew National or Berks (from PA).

A Southern Style hot dog is served with chili (no beans) and cole slaw.  Even though I am a Southerner by birth, they are a bit too sloppy for me.  But the best place for a Southern style hot dog (foot long) is Peaches at Myrtle Beach!

Maine is famous for their red dye #2 hot dogs in a natural casing.  They may give you cancer if you eat too many but you'll die happy, they are great!

I have to confess I don't know much about regional hot dogs beyond the St. Louis arches so if I've left anything out from the great west let me know.  I know Dodger Dogs are famous for the steamed bun.  And the Happy Days carside style service developed in places like Modesto (Mel's Dinner) but are more know for burgers.  I'm sure somewhere in the land of Fruit and Nuts out there they have put hot dogs in sushi or some other new age type format :)

So for now, enjoy your weekend - Happy Holiday!

And here is Private Malone.

FFF - In Her Eyes

In her eyes I could see the question, "who is the slave here?"  I was there to help the body servant relax and prepare the soon to be queen for her marriage to the conquering barbarian king.  We had brought the relaxation technique to her from our training in the east.  Now she hoped the pins would relieve the stress she felt as she faced her oncoming conjugal obligations to the man who stole her family's kingdom.  And although I wore the shakels of our new master around my neck, it gave me a somber feeling to know it was her soul that was truely bound.


Note:  I have to admit I am fairly influenced here by Game of Thrones which I have been watching on HBO.  It's a little goofy but something to keep up with, I don't watch a whole lot of TV.  The one thing I do miss though is Entourage, it can't come too soon (and Men of a Certain Age - that tickels me)!

Oh, Jesus Crist - I just googled conjugal to make sure I spelled it right and used it in the right context (yes, I know I am a little slow - ;).  But when googling I found this http://www.conjugalharmony.com/
I'll definitely have to check this out for a big laugh - I wonder if this is actually real!  The things and Average Guy learns when he starts researching naughty things :)

And Found Myself Alone Alone Alone Above a Raging Sea

Shannon’s Story – Part VIII

This is part VIII of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  If you are reading Shannon’s Story for the first time part I is here.

Shannon speaking….

That summer of ’04 was a roller coaster.  When I was on the road with Brent it was a paradox between the bliss of being with him and the guilt of not being with my girls.  What type of image was I building for them?

At home it was escalating tension.  Ryan and I no longer even slept together.  I would go to sleep and just see him the next day as he would crash in the guest room or the couch downstairs.  As I said, work was not going well for him and I was worried there would be a crash soon but the affair kept me from lingering on that thought for too long.

As I also said he interviewed for a job outside of DC in early July.  Ryan had left a somewhat dejected man with that gallows type look but he came back energetic about this great new opportunity that would change things for us.  My attitude:  “not going to work this time buddy, I’ve been down that road before!”

A week later Ryan did get the job offer.  He had a week to decide, or rather a week to convince me.  Actually, I have to admit, I seriously considered going right then.  As exciting as this new relationship with Brent was for me it was already mentally exhausting.  Trying to mesh our schedules together so we could hook up one night a week in some Mid-West hotel was at first an adventure but it can get old quick.  It would be so easy just to hit the re-set button on life and go back east with Ryan.

I have to admit there is a lot of good in my marriage to Ryan, he is the emotional opposite - calm, cool, organized, and balances my impetuosity.  At work Brent is very similar to Ryan and was probably a comforting attraction.  However, personally he is my equal on impetuosity which is why the relationship is so exciting.  But also why it is such a challenge, at times we simply burn each other out.  With Ryan I debate; with Brent we fight, yell, scream, cry and then make up.  One time Brent even got down on his hands and knees and begged me to forgive him for some argument we were having - that was hot!

But as far as moving with Ryan I had to hold the line; I had to have some control.  So I continued to say no.

Additionally, things with Brent, though at times stressful, could not have been going better.  We had a conference near the small town where he grew up and so one afternoon he drove me out and gave me a tour.  Seeing this to me was a big step forward in our relationship.  It was like getting a tour of him, a window into how he became the man I now loved.  I was starting to see a person not an object of desire and this was becoming my main relationship as a woman (of course my girls will always come first).

The end of Ryan’s week came and he agreed to turn down the offer.  I felt relief and disappointment at the same time.  Ryan was a dead man walking; did I just sign his death warrant?

Luckily for Ryan this company gave him an additional few days to think about the job.

And then Monday, August 2^nd, 2004 hit!  I had gotten a whisper of what was going to happen but it was still a shock.  Without going into detail that was the day that Ryan came to the realization that to paraphrase “he should seek other opportunities.”

I can’t describe the range of emotions I felt when Ryan called me.  I was out of town so I had another long Mid-West drive to contemplate what just happened.  Fear, anger, embarrassment, sadness – what was to happen to us now?  We had a roaring argument when I got home, or more appropriately I let him know where he could go and I’ll tell you it was to be nowhere near me!  I told him to take the job in DC.  I couldn’t believe this lucky bastard was going to get what he wanted again!  I was the one who worked hard and earned my way to the top.  Ryan screws up and his punishment – get a better job closer to home!  Screw HIM!

And so that is how quickly a life can change.  One day comfortably unhappily married and in an extra-marital relationship, the next not sure where I will be living in 3 months.

What I did promise myself though was that the punishment that Ryan seemed to be avoiding at present would surely be delivered by me!  Call me a bitch if you want but I have my pride!

Ryan had about 1.5 months before he started work back east.  He got the house ready for sale, got it on the market, and got it sold quickly (these were the days went houses still sold).  Fortunately he negotiated a 60 day closing.

So here is life as of late August, 2004.  Ryan will be moving east in 2 weeks and will be in temporary housing.  I will remain with the girls until we close on the house in 2 months.  Ryan and his mom would come back as much as possible to get ready for the move and help me.  Ryan also worked out a situation with a girl who worked at our daycare and babysat to stay with the girls overnight when I traveled.  So while difficult it was OK for now.  I had threatened divorce so Ryan was in full accommodation mode.

In late August we all flew to out to what would be our new town and Ryan sprung for a really scenic hotel – again really trying to accommodate.  This really was a charming location and I wanted to like it but didn’t want to leave the relationship I had in the Midwest.  We also looked at some houses.  When I came back for a visit in late September we settled on a house and made an offer.

Everything was coming together for that lucky bastard!  And because I tend to be disorganized things were moving beneath me and I was loosing control quickly.

Finally, I just gave up, called Brent and said I was quitting.  He was shocked.  Later I spoke with my former boss (a good friend) who now worked directly for Brent.  I was surprised when he said that Brent said to him “I can’t believe she is leaving for him (Ryan).” As my friend said that I felt sick to my stomach, I just couldn’t accept this – who am I if I let Ryan have everything he wants yet again.  I called a lawyer and filled for divorce the next day.

That's How She Knows You Love Her

Ashley Madison Theater - Enchanted II (Giselle Seeks a FWB)

continued....

Giselle signed up for Ashley Madison on a Friday afternoon but then got caught up in another busy weekend of taking care of Robert and Morgan.  By Monday she had hardly remembered her impulsive action.  But late in the afternoon she did remember and thought she would take a look - "I wonder if anyone is out there, a lonely gentleman just looking to find another lost soul out there to sing with and to adore?"

So what do you think she found?  Yep, apparently there were 300+ gentlemen in greater NYC that were in fact looking for NoMorePrincess!

First Giselle thought "what are all of these winks and key requests - I don't have a key to the castle?"

Then she started taking a look at some of those pictures.

"Oh my," she thought, "showing me your winkie is NOT a proper way to introduce oneself to a lady!"

"And these names sleezy, winkie, humpie, suckie.... am I in some perverted fairly tale - Slut Wife and the Seven Horny Dwarves?  I don't know about this Ashley Madison at all!"

But the attention was gratifing and she had an hour to kill before going home so she continued to look now focusing on the few actual thoughtful messages and ignoring winks and private access pictures.

She finally found one that actually looked interesting.  It was:

LawyerUp
"If your looking for a Dr. McDreamey type guy"
6' 175#
Age 39
Attached Male Looking for Females
Undecided
Never Smokes

His note read as follows:

Dear No Princess,

If you like Pina Coladas, getting lost in the rain, if your not into yoga, if you have half a brain..."

Just kidding but if you would like to escape with me to the Dunes of the Cape (or just the Hamptons) I would love to hear more about you!

I enjoyed reading your profile and I would like to have that feeling of jumping off a cliff with someone special!  And no apples :)

Please take a look at my profile and let me know if I can share anything more about myself with you.

Take Care, McD

Giselle thought to herself "this Mr. McDreamy does sound, well dreamy!"

Giselle and her Ashley Madison gentleman corresponded several times the next day on Ashley Madison and then transitioned to her new gmail account.  At first just kind words about how the day was going and that the weather was nice.  But soon they started sharing their erotic fantasies.

McDreamy said:  I want to share passion, not just someone on the receiving end of me, someone who is in rhythm with me, who is willing to lead and to follow and explore where we can collectively go....

Giselle said:  I want to be treated like a lady but a lady that you just can't wait to see; gasping to hold and to ravish and discover every part of....

It sounded like they both wanted the same thing which is to say not the same old thing they were currently getting in their relationships.  So with that they decided to meet at a bistro McDreamy knew of in the Village that would be far enough away from where each worked and lived.

Giselle was excited.  McDreamy said he would be coming from work so he would be in a grey suit with a blue tie.  Giselle said she would have on a tight form fitting yellow dress that would give great contour to her well formed body (and added a very thin black thong underneath)!

As McDreamy walked up to the maitre d' he saw her.  God, she was hot!  Long red hair (strangly just like Giselle), long thin legs (he would like to lick up and down), and what an ass - almost ready to pop out of that dress!  He tapped her on the shoulder and said "my dear princess, it is I ..."

Giselle's heart seized as she heard those words from that familiar voice.  She turned and yes it was Robert!

"Oh Robert!"

"Giselle!"

They both said in tandem "What are you doing here?  Are you (Not Princess/Lawyer Up)?  I don't know what your talking about?  OK, yes I am but......wow you look fabulous!"

And then they laughed.

Inside the restaurant a familiar song was playing... "It was my own lovely lady and she said, 'Oh, it's you,'
then we laughed for a moment, and I said 'I never knew.'"

After lunch Robert and Giselle made love all afternoon, on every piece of furniture, and in every room (except the bed and bedroom)  :)  It was more than just that first time feeling, it was a re-awakening.  And it was wonderful to be re-ignited with someone who they cared for so much!

And they lived happily ever after with perhaps an occasional hiccup!

He's Been Knockin' He Won't Leave Me Alone

Osama bin Ladin - America's Mr. Brownstone

Just got compelled to write something political last week so rip me apart or ignore if you wish.

I saw a Yahoo article the other day about the cost of bin Laden on America over the past 15 years.  He has cost us $3 trillion (see below)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_exclusive/20110506/pl_yblog_exclusive/the-cost-of-bin-laden-3-trillion-over-15-years

Of course I am ecstatic that he is gone, a truly well deserved ending.  Additionally back in 2001 I was very much in support of our efforts in Afghanistan.  But unfortunately we as a nation, through poor choices, have not yielded the types of benefits that have historically come from great national efforts from the past.  In the past our greatest national challenges and often tragedies have yielded our greatest periods of advancement.

The horrors of the Civil War and WWI yielded great advances in technology, catapulting the US into leadership in the industrial age.  At the end of WWII the US stood as the leading Superpower for Democracy.  The Great Depression yielded many of the public works that we enjoy today.  The 50's yielded the interstate highway system.  The Space Race yielded immense technological advances.  Even the energy from the anti-War effort against Vietnam, I believe, produced added inertia for the Civil Rights movement (and of course some great music).  Winning the Cold War led to advances in military technology that yielded advances in information technology.  All national challenges where tragedy yielded a benefit for future generations.

But sadly, as I look back I don't see the residual benefit of our $3 trillion.  Again, glad bin Laden is gone - disappointed that our efforts are not advancing our lives.  So just like Steve Tyler snorting $20 million in drugs up his nose over his life I feel a lot of that $3 trillion is just down the drain.  I will only hope that I have missed some advances that may be occurring in alternative fuels, perhaps advances in understanding military intelligence in the 21st century that may trickle down to advances in communication.  So fare though I am saying that bin Laden is our Mr. Brownstone a very costly and useless drug.

Our money gone and left with crumbling infrastructure, little debt capacity for needed research, and debt service as a percentage of GDP at very troubling levels.

Mr. Brownstone - Guns 'N Roses

I get up around seven
Get outta bed around nine
And I don't worry about nothin' no
'Cause worrin's a waste of my... time

The show usually starts around seven
We go on stage around nine
Get on the bus about eleven
Sippin' a drink and feelin' fine

Chorus:
We been dancin' with Mr. Brownstone
He's been knockin'
He won't leave me alone
No, no ,no, he won't leave me alone
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

Chorus

Now I get up around whenever
I used ta get up on time
But that old man he's a real muthafucker
Gonna kick him on down the line

I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before
I used ta do a little but a little wouldn't do
So the little got more and more
I just keep tryin' ta get a little better
Said the little better than before

Chorus
Shoved it in the bindle and I shot it in the middle
And it, it drove outta my mind
I should've known better, said I wish I never met her Said I,
I leave it all behind Yowsa!

We Adore Each Filthy Chore

Ashley Madison Theatre – Enchanted II

For some time I have been thinking about taking a stab at some fiction.  I’ve enjoyed the FFF’s but wanted to come up with a concept on my own.  About 2 months ago I posted the following:

http://regularguygonebad.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-reason-ive-been-waiting-all.html

In that post I speculated a sequel to one of my favorite movies that would involve characters finding and using Ashley Madison after their fairly tale gets a bit old.  So with that thought my warped mind conjured up a series of sequels to some of our favorite fairly tales where let’s just say our characters deviate off course just a bit perhaps allowing themselves to taste that poison apple that is Ashley Madison!

So here is Enchanted II – Giselle Seeks a FWB

The wedding was beautiful and Giselle was the picture of enchantment in the gorgeous gown she designed herself.  She was a bit surprised when Robert chose the Poconos as their honeymoon location but was touched when he said “life with you will be a honeymoon and I want to get started on our life as soon as possible!”  “Oh that Robert” she thought “always so practical.”  But that’s what she loved about him.

Life was wonderful.  Robert was so happy, things were great at work, Morgan finally had the mommy she needed, and of course Giselle was a knockout!  Perhaps a bit timid and reluctant in bed at first but she would learn!

Giselle was delighted at her life as well.  She finally had the real home she always wanted and a husband and daughter who really needed her.  She delighted in sending them off every morning and meeting them at the door as they came home.  Yes, Robert was a bit of a slob and disorganized but it was wonderful to have someone to take care of, to sing to, to love.  And people were actually buying her dresses she never considered that people would seek her talents, would look to her as someone of great consequence!

And so the Philips lived happily ever after (for now)!

Fast forward 10 years……

Robert slammed the phone down after Giselle called and said she couldn’t pick up Morgan from ballet.  “Another meeting with a buyer running late, this Andalusia dresses was just supposed to be a hobby – now it’s a god damn way of life with her, what’s with her!?”

Robert was now representing Brad Pitt in his divorce with Angelina Jolie (who saw that coming); the settlement there alone would be enough for Giselle to never have to work again.  Robert thought he had met his soul mate, a woman who would make a home for him and Morgan and who he could cherish and take care of.  Now he was married to a career!

When Giselle got home she dropped her coat on the chair and then sighed in agony.  My god what an absolute pig!  What type of man lacks the common ability to hang up an article of clothing, place dirty cloths in a washing machine, or simply rinse a dish and load a dishwasher?  I was to be a queen in Andalusia, this pig thinks I am some common service wench, screw him!  People pay me good money to design beautiful clothes for famous people.  Then I come home and this guy who makes money off peoples sorrows expects me to make Mac & Cheese and wash his filthy tighty whities?  I didn’t sign up for this!

Robert and Giselle had a roaring argument that night.  Robert would be in heavy negotiations over the Pitt/Jolie divorce and needed Giselle to handle getting Morgan ready for her recital over the next week.  But Giselle dropped the big bomb that she was leaving for Paris next Tuesday.  Apparently Jean Paul Chooblahnik wanted to design his entire fall shoe collect around Giselle’s dresses.  This was the big break she had longed for.  This was a line in the sand!

To Robert’s dismay Giselle boarded her Air France jet for destiny.  She cried when Morgan waved, she would miss the recital – but the Paris collection was also her dream.  The City of Lights was all she dreamed it would be and her dresses were the talk of the show.  At an after party she met Javier a young Portuguese tennis ace who was intrigued by her.  After her 4^th Cosmopolitan Giselle was very happy and feeling her femininity standing there next to Javier.  Being the object of desire was a feeling she had not had in several years.  Soon she was in Javier’s room.  In the bathroom he grabbed her and kissed her passionately.  Soon her dress was around her ankles and his tongue was between her legs.  He spun her around and soon she was bent over with her hands on the sink.  She was shocked at what was happening.  She had seen forest animals screw like this but had never been on the receiving end.  Robert was so gentle and sweet with his love making, like an afternoon nap tranquil, quiet, peaceful.  Javier’s glistening body was now behind her slapping against her behind in quick rhythm like a tremendous machine.

She felt something in her pelvis.  Was she going to throw up in disgust?  Not hardly, her stomach quickly felt that same exhilaration she felt on her first roller coaster ride as she plunged down 100 feet.  And then there was the gusher she felt between and then down her legs.  She screamed in exhilarating bliss!  The next two hours, once in the middle of the night, and the next morning were a cavalcade of passionate, energetic sex.

There was another after party the next night where Giselle hoped to meet Javier again.  When she didn’t see him she thought she would surprise him in his room.  The door was slightly open and when she walked in she saw two hookers, three super models, and three very masculine male underwear models.  Apparently Giselle was the last thing in Paris that Javier had not screwed other than a few wall sockets!

Giselle cried the whole night.

But the next day was her big show with Chooblahnik, her professional coming out party.

It was a brilliant success.  Giselle returning to New York a fashion star, and Andalusia dresses was on everybody’s lips.  Javier was a distant memory.

But at DeGaulle airport she saw a funny ad that caught her eye “La Vie est Courte, vous devriez avoir une affaire – Ashley Madison.”  She knew a little French and so she googled Ashley Madison a few days later when she was back home.

“My heavens” she thought, people actually sign up to kiss people they are not married to?

Of course after a few days she couldn’t hold off anymore and she signed up.

NoMorePrincess2011

“Not looking for another prince charming”

Age 34

5’4” 115# (fit)

Attached Female Looking for Males

Undecided

Never Smokes

Preferences:   Oh these silly checks!  I want someone who respects who I am and what I do.  No drama!  And pick up after yourself, I’m not your mother.  Oh, and I don’t like apples so don’t try to buy me an apple martini

What Turns Me On:      Up until now I have been turned on when guys save me from trolls, catch me when I fall, or slap me on the rear when they are screwing me in front of a hotel bathroom mirror, just found that one out, lol J

What I am Looking For:  I have a nice guy at home and could have married a prince back home so I’m not looking for nice.  I want someone who will jump off a cliff with me and take me to places I have never been!

to be continued…….

But Then I Wasn’t Wrong in Knowing How Our Love Would Grow

How I think it’s supposed to be.

Writing about Sandra the other day made me remember about the wedding I attended last summer which was right during the first time I met her through AM.  Fairly soon after starting this blog I had given myself a mark on my mental blog list to write about the bride and groom from the wedding, Maggie and Dalton; their wedding, their lives, and what I thought their lives might be like.  In all this blogging about infidelity I thought it would be interesting and refreshing to write about what I think this married life is supposed to be about or at least what we hope it will be about when we enter.

And since this will be such as mushy/goopy blog entry I thought I would add an over the top romantic lyric quote from one of my favorite early 80’s bands, the Baby’s led by John Waite performer of other cheesy 80’s songs like “When I See You Smile (with Bad English),”  “Missing You (solo),” and "Change (from cheesy movie Vision Quest)."  You know the opening line to that title song is “Everytime I think of you, it always turns out good,” isn’t that really what we are all looking for?  So here is a cheesy 21^st century blog entry to go with those cheesy 80’s lyrics – Say Cheese!  Take a listen to the song here while you read!

I have known Maggie all of her life.  She is the god-daughter of my mom and daughter of my mom’s best friend Jill.  Maggie is a millennial, graduating high school in 2000 – not particularly pertinent but gives you a time line.  Maggie is a beautiful, vivacious girl – much like her mom.  She was always good in school, good at sports (tennis, horse back riding, etc.), and always had a lot of friends – basically the center of any universe she was in at any given time.  She continued to do well in college.  After college she took a job back home as a paralegal with a lawyer who was a friend of the family (her family was always very well connected).  Her hope was to attend law school.  While in college she met Don.  Everyone liked Don.  He was not exactly a “go getter,” but had a great personality.  Don moved to Maggie’s hometown and they continued their relationship.  He was an aspiring photographer but was currently one of those guys who sell cellular phones at the mall kiosk.   

Finally, Maggie was accepted to a law school one state away.  But Don obviously cared for her as he followed her and things looked great when his company was able to find a job for him nearby.  Everything was lined up.  Maggie would get her degree and they would marry and live happily ever after.

Well, happily ever after intersected with failure when Maggie was not able to keep her first year grades above the minimum.  This law school apparently admitted more 1^st year students than they had space for in the 2^nd year so they necessarily chased a certain percent away and Maggie was now a part of that percent.  To add insult to injury Don decided he wanted to see other people so they broke up.

So Maggie limped back home now four years out of college with no job, out of law school, and one failed relationship she thought would end in marriage.  She moved back in with the parents and went back to work at her old law firm as a paralegal.  The lawyer btw was a contemporary of mine who had followed a boy out west, got married, had kids, divorced, went back to school, got her J.D. and now was becoming a very successful lawyer back home so sometimes you can go back!

Maggie lingered at home for about another year but then she got the bright idea to move to New York City, like the classic millennial she had friends there so she could live with them and get her start.  Of course, we traditional adults thought her crazy.

But Maggie forged ahead, went to New York and found a job as a receptionist at a law firm.  Through her friends she met Dalton.  And her job responsibilities began to grow.

Dalton is a high born son of a very rich lawyer in a large Southern Metropolis.  Dalton got his degree in Finance and now works for a hedge fund in NYC.  But his passion is actually music and writing.  He is in a band and has had a book published.

From the start everyone said they were meant for each other.  After dating for about 6 months they moved in together (again frowned on by her parents).  They lived together for about a year before they decided to marry and even then set a date about 1 year later.  Over this time however they really grew together, enjoying the company of this circle of friends that grew around them from their home towns and colleges – all millennials who had trekked together to the big city.  They also traveled together.  Dalton made good money and his family is loaded so they were able to afford extended vacations in Europe and South America.

And so when the big day came it was really more a culmination of the relationship that had formed, the logical next step on a journey together.

So, what a great story but what’s the take away (as I’ve said before) or better yet what’s your WITY (what’s it to you).

OK here goes.

1)  I think most of us know we learn more from failure and losing than we do from success.  But unfortunately while we excuse ourselves from ruining a white dress shirt because we washed it with pink underwear (I don’t actually wear pink underwear btw) we do not allow ourselves to celebrate our failures in love.  My biggest regret and why I feel I have failed in my marriage is that I never had that great cataclysmic failure at love in my 20’s.  How can you truly appreciate success and in this case love unless you have failed.

Maggie failed at love.  Maggie failed out of law school.   How tragic!  How wonderful!

By failing with Don, she knew when it was right with Dalton.  By not failing in our early adulthood so often we make the mistake of thinking we are with Mr/Mrs Right and later find out we are with Mr/Mrs Was Great at the Time.

I have to share some credit with fellow bloggers here (Elle from Sex and the Shitty) and Holly (a muse from past entries) who both gave me very thoughtful feedback on this post.  Elle aptly said “heartache is essential to strength and growth… through suffering; we are able to gain much clarity.”  She cited another quote “sorrow is a teacher and a purifier.”  Elle also gave me a very elegant quote from James Allen but it had too many clauses and long fancy words for my limited intellect to decipher J  But thanks Elle and Holly!

2)   Regardless of morality you need to live together before you get married.  You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving, why would you marry without test driving.  You need to make sure daily reality is not going to get in the way of loving and being intimate with your life partner.  If you can’t look past someone leaving their underwear on the floor in your 20’s you definitely won’t be able to when your 40 and likewise if you can’t form the habit of putting your underwear away because it bothers someone special then you are going to be a bear 20 years from now.

3)   Live your life before you settle down.  Get all the traveling, partying, screwing, drinking that you need to do before you attempt to settle down to life with someone you plan to be exclusive with.  No matter how much you love and care for someone if you feel you missed out on something in your youth you will always think the grass might be greener elsewhere.  That’s Shannon’s problem, she got married to me too young and never got to experience being a young single adult who can go as she pleased.  Hence no matter how good things are she always has had wonderlust.  Maggie and Dalton have done plenty of living and now I believe they truly want to do all their living going forward with one another (including traveling, partying, screwing, etc.).

4)   Have shared passions but be able to have a separate since of self.  They say if you have a job doing something you love you will never work a day in your life.  You need to have some shared passions with your partner so that you will always be choosing to go in the same direction because it is something you would choose to do even if they weren’t there.  However, you have to have the confidence to let your partner have separate passions. 

5)  Travel together; discover something for the first time together and you will always share something special.  Don’t you always remember the first time you saw something really big like the Grand Canyon, Disney, Europe….  Traveling together builds bonds and seeing and experiencing something for the first time together really builds a collective bond.  Of course, parenthood is most often that first great journey we experience together with our spouse but we need more.  Because once the kids are out of diapers you quickly need more in common than a tag team partner for bath, homework, and getting kids to soccer practice.

So that’s my little soapbox for the day.  I would love to hear any shared impressions from the peanut gallery.

And any of you 20-something ladies out there; now we really need to get Maggie’s brother Brandon married off.  Trust me, he is quite the catch.  A BS and MS from a world renowned university (yeah, it’s my alma mater), a great job, a wonderful personality, great looks (he’s blond and should be keeping his hair), a swimmer’s body, and a very faithful friend.

But regardless, be careful out there as Cat Stevens wrote “oh, baby, baby it’s a wild world.”

Working Double Time on the Seduction Line

OK, so I admit I am someone who is always trying to please.  And with that I have tended to err on the side of using more chic-friendly lyrics for my blog titles.  Of course I have been choosing lyrics Shannon would choose for those blog entries but I have found myself thinking through a lot of Smiths, Cure, Depeche Mode type lyrics for other days as well all because as I say I tend to want to please.  But don’t think I am ever going to find a way to weave in “All the Single Ladies” into a blog entry!

But today I am going full on Guy with some AC/DC lyrics.

So again I have fallen behind in my Sandra tale.  So in my blog life we are not into September.  It is clear Sandra is interested in me we just have to find the right time and space to as she said “consummate this affair!”

Well that time finally presented itself.  I had a light day of work, the cat was away from the house, and it was just a wonderful day to have as I said “an indoor picnic.”

I knew it would be good when Sandra wrote back and said she had just purchased a vintage dress off e-bay that would look great draped over a hotel chair!  J

I like a woman who thinks like that!

So we agreed to meet at a hotel at our half-way point.  I called ahead and got an early 2 pm check in and arrived about 2:15 and called Sandra – she was on her way and would be there in about 15 minutes, I gave her the room number.  No worries now, I’m an old pro at this (well I’ve done it twice now so not quite as nervous).

And of course I did bring an indoor picnic.  A nice bottle of a sweet white wine, some fruit, and Sabra red pepper hummus (great product btw) with pita chips, all things I know Sandra likes, because I’m such a good affair partner!  J

Right at 2:30 I get that wonderful knock on the door and there is Sandra and there is that wonderful dress I hope to take off of her imminently!

But we did sit on the edge of the bed and shared some wine, a snack, and talked for a little bit.  As usual Sandra had a lot of stories about her many puppies.  But Sandra is not coy like Alicia and after a bit she stopped everything and said “OK, you can kiss me now, handsome.”

And I did so eagerly and she kissed back plunging her tongue to mine.  I then kissed her check and down to her neck and stopped there for a few moments.  Soon, I continued kissing down her arm as I unzipped her dress in the back.  She then backed up slightly and pulled the dress down and slowly took off her bra.  I then moved my kissing over to her breasts and gave her just a gentle nibble between the back of my tongue and my bottom teeth.  She gave a quick sign.

I then kissed my way down her belly as I slowly pulled her dress down and then backed up and pulled it off as she lay back on the bed.   Next, off came the shoes and then I kissed my way down her very long legs and lingered right at the top of her right thigh for a bit.  I then pulled off her panties. 

Here I have to admit I took a bit of a double take.  Everything looked great mind you but I guess obtuse me wasn’t expecting a Brazilian wax from a woman in her late 40’s but that A OK with me!  I didn’t linger on the thought long as I quickly moved my tongue around her and then into her slowly moving around her clit.  Sandra was starting to groan and arching her back so I knew she was close.  So I backed up a little and then put my middle finger deeply into her massaging inside and against her pubic bone.  She soon let out a deep sign and organsmed.

She threw her arms back, signed, looked at me and said – “that was wonderful, come here now I want you inside of me.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.  This felt great!

I believe I have mentioned before Shannon is not always really active with sex, she tends to enjoy being serviced and can tend to just be along for the ride.  At the risk of sounding crude Sandra knows how to have sex.  I love the feel of the missionary position because of the intimacy and the feeling of the pelvis moving together in rhythm.  This felt in sync.  However, as I have also mentioned I am the anti-Viagra guy and sometimes have trouble relaxing enough to come.  I think as the archetypal pleaser I tend to focus on the lady and not on me getting off.  But after about 30 minutes (I assume I was not looking at the clock) I sensed now would be a good time for a break so I did my best to relax and let it flow, and it did fairly soon after.

At that point we were fairly tired and sweaty.  This always tends to be the most satisfying part just laying there and remaining “in the moment.”

We probably just talked for about an hour.  I was on my back and Sandra leaning over slightly occasionally lightly massaging my chest with her long beautiful nails.

Something about water has always been erotic for me so I was glad when Sandra was OK with a communal shower.  So we moved to the shower and kissed, soaped, kissed, etc for some time.

At one point Sandra bent over and grinded against me.  That was all I needed to bring on round #2!

But here was the funny challenge.  I am 6 feet tall so slightly above average, Sandra is 5 foot 10 definitely above average.  Most ladies I have been with in similar situations have been in the 5 ft 6 inch range.  Well long story short since guys hips are set lower than women I was finding myself on my tip toes in order to have standing in front of the mirror bathroom sex.  I’m sorry I enjoy laughing at myself.

Anyway, it was fun but was not likely to produce an orgasm from me so we moved to the bed, still dripping wet and continued.  I yes I very much enjoyed being behind and alternately looking down and into the mirror as Sandra moved toward orgasm 3 or 4 (lost count).  And I gladly had my second.

We moved back to the shower for some cuddling and clean up and then got dressed and visited for a bit more and then we had to go back to our lives.

But for about 3 hours it was bliss!

Yeah you, shook me all night (afternoon) long!

I'd Fly Above the Trees, Over the Seas, in all Degrees, to Anywhere I Please

Shannon’s Story – Part VII

This is part VII of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  If you are reading Shannon’s Story for the first time part I is here.

Shannon speaking….

Yes Brent and I had sex.  Although it was more than sex, it was a world opening up to me.  Although in truth we were both a bit drunk so some of the memory is a bit hazy.

Luckily the next day was just a half day for “the team,” all departing after lunch.  Brent was engaged in private meetings so we didn’t really have to confront one another around the others.  This was good because I needed time to think about how I would handle this going forward.

So we all left.  Brent said goodbye to everyone and did nothing different with me, just saying “we’ll be together next week in St. Louis, right?”

I had a nice long 5 hour drive across a flat Mid-Western state to get home, plenty of time to think.  But 5 hours later I was no more sure of where I was going and what I would do as I did when I woke up that morning.  I remember vividly standing in front of a nice warm fire that evening after the girls had gone to bed and telling some of what had happened to Ryan.  Of course I only told him of the dance and the kiss on the cheek.  I wanted to gauge his reaction.

Typical Ryan, his inner judge came out and he reminded me of his suspicions from 6 years ago in *******.  He also reminded me of Brent’s reputation.  But as far as feeling hurt or compelled to fight for me, I saw nothing – just his judgment.

The next four months would be a blissful whirlwind.  Part of Brent’s magnetism is that he makes things happen.  After all, he controlled his own schedule and mine so it was no surprise that our paths crossed so often.  Looking back, I can’t think of a Mid-Western city where we didn’t have sex – St. Louis, Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, even Omaha (with a wind chill of -10 outside).  And then there were the conferences….. Orlando, Palm Springs, this was a whirlwind romance across the US and it was completely intoxicating.  My encounter with Sammie a few years prior had been all about sex, this was an affair to remember.

Back to Ryan and I for a minute though.  The previous December (prior to my first time with Brent) we had made one last effort to connect sexually.  Over the holidays we had sex several times over a three week period.  Ryan even went to an adult store with me to get some toys.  I think he was really trying.  The sex was OK, but not fantastic.  So with that I was very susceptible on that February night with Brent.  About two months after Brent and I started our affair I had sex with Ryan one last time.  He was home one afternoon during the week and it was just an impulse though mostly I wanted to see how I felt.  It was mechanical for me and nothing like it was now with Brent.  So I had my confirmation, I would now go forward full steam with Brent.

Of course Ryan throws a wrench into everything.  As I said before Ryan was becoming more of a family man and less work focused.  But this was becoming an issue for him at work.  Ryan had always been successful at work; he was the “fix-it” guy you brought in when you had problems.  But the problems at his account now were vast and he was not able to fix them as well as he had hoped.  I knew the looming cloud because I now was in the very inner circle of those above Ryan.  I think we both knew that Ryan’s career was in jeopardy now, me even more so.

We even started talking about moving to a better location for my travel and him being a “stay at home” dad.  What a ridiculous paradox; that was all I ever wanted and now he had the audacity to propose that, thinking it something that I would like.  It may have been a quick fix but it was not attractive.  Again Ryan brought up that magazine article about relationships where the woman says “I Fell in Love with Him All Over Again” after kids.  Ryan’s point was that now that he was such a good father, I should be attracted to him and want to have sex.  But that is not what attraction is, I just didn’t feel it with him anymore.

The stay at home thought didn’t stay with Ryan for too long.  Soon he was burning up Monster.com and calling old peers to bail himself out.  He talked with an old boss about a job on the Carolina coast, which would have been nice.  Then he got an interview at a job outside DC.  I really didn’t pay any attention because I had plenty to occupy my time and in my mind I was not moving again for Ryan when I had the growing career.

Ryan interviewed for the job outside of DC.  I did not go with him.  When he got back he was suddenly inspired by this new opportunity and he put the full court press on why we should go.  I really wouldn’t hear anything of it – again I had the career potential now and Brent, why would I follow him now?

to be continued…..