#2 Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind

Ryan's Liner Notes:  OK I said no quantitative analysis but this post is my all time high for hits.  As you read you will see why this is so because we see the evolution of the Ryan style of prose.  Uh oh, BS alert!  No, with these lyrics this is a natural draw and of course this is where I introduce meeting Ashley and Me for the first time.

This was really fun writing because it was kind of like looking at your old high school annual and seeing how geeky you were when you were trying to "figure it all out."  This tells the story of my first few bungled attempts at reaching out to ladies on AM and the first one that got away.  And you know of all the women I have written to I still get the feeling that Miranda would have been the best match.  She really seemed like a cheerful soul that would have truely been fun to be around.  I can be a bit Vulcan in my demenor in person so I need that captivating person that will pull out my playful side.

Oh well, as Fats Waller say "one never knows, do one?"

I was also tempted to put my Take A Chance on Me (or Riff goes to college) post here but I decided to err on the side of older posts.  So let me give an honorable mention and link to my analogy of how Ashley Madison success is like getting accepted to college.

Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind

OK, so after displaying such good taste in music why quote from the Baha men?  Well please read to the end!  I couldn’t help myself.  As a side note, you know the Baha men are not just a “one hit wonder” they also sang the theme song to “My Man Stanley” a kids show my daughter’s use to watch from the early 2000’s.

Did you ever save projects you did in school that at the time you thought were ingenious and so well written?  Do you look at them now and say “wow that really stunk.”  It has been fun recalling some of my early experiences even though only a few months ago.  On my second round of searching I came across a picture of a beautiful woman in sun glasses looking out toward the ocean (perhaps at Ocean City, MD or Virginia Beach).  Below is what I wrote

Dear Ms. Beach Bunny,

I was struck by your beautiful yet somewhat melancholy profile picture and thought a lot about what you may have been feeling at that moment.  The photo evokes such an image of one looking out to the ocean for solace or an answer.  But do tell me if you were just watching someone swim?

Overall my life is great; I have a wonderful career and am fulfilled as a father.  Personally though, I feel that I am drifting and need to turn to something meaningful soon.

I want to excite and energize someone and be their hero.  I want the opportunity to be the solace one is looking for.  I want to be inspired through someone’s caring energy to be great.  As I saw in a cartoon I just want to be the person my dog thinks I am J

Oh, and I do love to visit wineries, I do love sunsets, I am a “foodie” and love to cook (particularly on the grill) for or with someone special and nothing picks me up like dark chocolate in the afternoon.  I would love to hear a little more about you.  I am happy to chat and equally happy to drive to Alexandria to meet as I know there are many great restaurants that I would love to treat you to.

Sincerely,

R

Yeah, I know – a bit whiney and over dramatic although I do still like the humor of the dog joke, I think it was on a Far Side or a New Yorker.  So with my second round of messages I really tried to open up and connect.  I actually did get a few responses early on.  School Boy Crush wrote back and gave me a private key but said I was not local (look but don’t touch?).  Beach Bunny opened my priority message but never wrote back (apparently not as impressed with my prose as I am).  Upon further research I noticed that someone else on another profile had copied Fitness Buffs’ profile exactly word for word but was about 40 pounds heavier.  I wrote Fitness Buff again to let her know.  She wrote me back and thanked me and said I sounded like a nice guy but was looking for someone local (apparently kindness only gets you so far).  Starting to see a common theme here? Yes like most Metropolitan Areas, DC is a big place.  You see our nations capital is located on a small piece of former swamp land within Southern Maryland but from a commuting standpoint really includes large portions of Virginia, Maryland, and even Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Delaware.  You see your writer here lives in what is called the “Outer Suburbs” a foreign suburban land just past those Red, Orange, and Blue Metro lines and only accessible by long commuting journeys or MARC trains.  Or for ladies inside the Beltway the “wrong side of the tracks.”

But finally, CometoMe2010 did say:       

“am intrigued by your profile, my husband and I are big fans of ***** also (I noted where I graduated in my message) how often could you travel to meet with distance.”

CometoMe2010 and I wrote a few times over the next few weeks and she sent me a private key and told me her name, Miranda.  She has beautiful long Auburn hair, blue eyes, and a very infectious smile.  She said she was looking for someone humorous so I sent a joke with the second message about *****’s state rival.  Something like:

“Did you hear about the fire at *****’s library?  Yeah, it destroyed all five books; the bad part was that two were not even colored in yet!

And, “Do you know why *****’s football team does not have a website?  Because they can’t string 3 w’s  together!”

Miranda sent me some jokes back; one was about sex in a car during an earthquake.  So we are getting some good vibes here.  Additionally, Miranda’s other challenge and what I have found to be why a lot of 30/40-something women are on Ashley Madison is a little challenge for their husbands called ED, yes erectile dysfunction for you Viagra fans.  You see women like good sex as much as us guys and when the well runs dry they are just as prone to go foraging for another source.  Thankfully, I have no problems in this area!  Actually men and women are not exactly alike.  I think we can be satisfied with mediocre sex.  Men are prone to choose quantity over quality where women are aiming for just quality.

Miranda and I ended up trading jokes for about two weeks.  Miranda finally wrote back and said she had met someone local.  I picked up communication with her about a month later when things with that guy turned sour.  We had a tentative date set up but she finally wrote and said she was filing for divorce and deleted her profile.  An interesting side note is that she had 4 private pictures with two being from her wedding, go figure.  Hey but I’m not judgmental.  I really enjoyed and appreciated Miranda’s thoughtfulness and candor and in those early days she kept my confidence up. 

So to recap we have the following notes: 1) as they say in business location, location, location (and mine is a disadvantage), 2) honesty isn’t getting me very far, 3) like I have always heard, women really like guys who make them laugh often even above looks and money.  Oh, and let’s make sure we keep the emphasis here on fun and stay confident!  In my mind I am hearing Mr. Rourke saying “smiles everyone! Smiles! Smiles!”

So with this knowledge I continue to research and that is where experience and knowledge intersect with inspiration.  We are now in early May and one day as I continue seeking information about Ashley Madison I come across a little blog called “Ashley and Me” by some guy named Riff Dog out in LA.  And I have another one of those “ah ha” moments or, to go all biblical, “and on the seventh day he readith of Riff Dog.” Who let the dog out!  Riff!  Riff!