Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Been Up and Down for You

Or checking boxes

No I'm not talking about checking those Ashley Madison boxes today.  I've been a bit reflective recently which is a rare thing for me unless it involves BBQ or the Redskins or maybe Lynyrd Skynyrd (just joking, I'm not that into Skynyrd - just wanted to see if you were paying attention)!  Given that, I decided to sit down and write the following thoughts.  Well not really, I had planned this post a while back but then I started writing about Shannon again and decided to push it back a little.  I have a few more reflective posts in the queue so to speak in the coming weeks.

Time to fly?  :(

About a month ago I had an employee who got into a little spat with his spouse.  She managed to get him kicked out of the house.  Well really she called the cops on him and a Sheriff's Deputy asked him to leave.  He has some disabilities and I know his story a bit so I was very skeptical that this was in fact a domestic violence issue.  To put it lightly his wife is "bat *hit craza'!"  Well crazy if you consider ownership of 20+ cats correlated to craziness.  Anyway, from what I know she is crazy and I know that he could be easily taken advantage of due to his disabilities so I decided I should help a little more than to just say take a few days off and tell me when you can return.

I won't go into very much detail but one thing really moved me when I was helping him.  He showed me the order for his family court hearing.  I was reading through it to help him make sense of what would be happening and what he would need to do.

And then I saw this particular section that is the basis of this post and seemed so profound in looking at mine or any marriage.

The question asked something like this:

Describe the nature of your current relationship (check all that apply)?

*     Married
*     Dating
*     Living Together
*     In a Sexual Relationship
*    Had Children Together

It hit me immediately.  I was trying to understand the document so I could explain to my employee the legalese.  But immediately I started to think what would I be checking off (for real) if I was filling out this questionnaire about my marriage?

Married?   Yes, that signed contract is still valid for us but I hardly feel married.  To the extent that one can be in a "common law" marriage without marital relations I guess we are married but in a traditional sence certainly not.  And more importantly there is hardly the desire to move ourselves out of the spot we have found ourselves.  Is there concern for one another?  Certainly, we both need one another's paychecks and we would never wish ill upon our children's other parent but in the end aggrevation is a poor way to show concern for someone in your life.

Got to interject here with my favorite Shannon quote.

     Me - "I need you to support me"
     Shannon - "I am supporting you by kicking your ass!"

Ahhhh...., that Shannon; God love her!  Makes me feel like that Harry Mud dude from Star Trek.

Ryan on AM  :)
Ryan at home  :(
Dating?     Not hardly, that would mean we would have to be talking to one another without the girls around.  That is too difficult and weird.  Each night she goes her way and I go mine, if I'm lucky!

Living Together?     Yep, we generally do go to sleep under the same roof.  But that is about it.  Well actually even that is debatable as one of us is generally on the road about 2/3 days a week which is of course a blessing.  So really we only live together about 50% of the time when you consider we each go our seperate ways on our free time as well.

In a Sexual Relationship?     I'll pass, enough said.

Had Children Together?     Yes, that is kind of why we are still together even when we really can't check all of the above.  Isn't that often the case.  The last foothold of a marriage is parenthood and in this troubled economy the necessity of two incomes that our consumptive society has somehow deemed necessary.  Divorce may be a relief but it also may mean no more ballet lessons and that trip to Disney.  How then does one walk toward happiness as you walk away from the sad face of a child who may miss out on a dream.

So one full check and two half checks for Ryan and Shannon.

My reflection that I wish to pass onto you today is think about what you would check if someone gave you that questionnaire the Sheriff's Deputy gave my co-worker.  You need to be checking them all off and I'd say if you can't check at least 4 you need to be doing something about your life.

As for my co-worker I hooked him up with a lawyer friend of mine and he got a good ruling from the Family Court Judge.  His wife was able to stay in the house for another 30 days and he moved in with his sister temporarily.  Because the deed to the house was in his name he was able to move back in just recently and she has moved on.  I have to add this because I just had to ask my lawyer friend about the likihood of domestic violence.  He smiled, laughed a bit, and said "his wife is a pretty tough looking gal, I think she is well capable of taking care of herself."  I thought as much.  Not to make light of domestic violence which is of course a dispicable act but I wanted to make sure I was helping someone who truly deserved it.  I think I did.

I've got another funny post I'm working on about my lawyer friend Danny.  Hopefully I'll have that out in a few weeks.  It's about Ryan's take on "couples dating" which of course means I'll take a Three Stooge'esque take on something others would consider sultry or taboo!    :)

1 comment:

Kat said...

This is a really interesting post, and very reflective. I like the idea of looking at your marriage from the aspect of the different types/levels of relationship.

I'd have to say that I'd check ALL of those boxes for my relationship with Hubby. That's why I'm still pretty happily married and I hope to stay that way.

I wonder to the box on "In a sexual relationship," was there a line to write in a number for now many sexual relationships you're in? ;-)