Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Breaking Away with the Best of Both Worlds

Shannon's Story - The Prequel, Part I

As always if you are new to this blog part I of Shannon's story (my wife) is (here).  These are posts written by me with my best attempt of writing about our life through her voice.  Except today is not part of our life together, it is my best attempt to show you a little about her life before me.  You'll just have to trust that I've learned enough about her through our conversations over the years.

Shannon speaking......
time may change me....
I was just thinking about my life growing up the other day as I was folding cloths in my daughter's room.   As I looked at her walls plastered with cheesy teen heart-throb posters of her new favorite band, One Direction, I was taken back to a vision of my room not so many years ago and my teen heart-throbs Duran Duran.  I guess I could say that Duran Duran actually wrote their lyrics and played instruments but then I would sound like my dad comparing Duran Duran to the Rolling Stones or Creedence Clearwater Revival or any of the bands he followed as a young man.  I laughed at myself.

but you can't trace time - D Bowie
But then I sat down and started thinking about my heart-throbs and that first Duran Duran concert I went to with my friend Jane (escorted by my mom of course).  It was the summer before my sophomore year of high school and everything was just like it is now for my daughter (even though she is just now in middle school).  Looking back that was a great time, a time before everything I wanted to change did.

So thinking of One Direction made me think of Duran Duran and that made me think of some of those first relationships with guys in my high school years.  That summer of my Duran Duran concert I was thinking how exciting it would be to have my first boyfriend.  But of course now I know things were much better when guys were just something to giggle at.  Gosh I hope my daughter can navigate those waters better than I.

I was awkward growing up in middle school, somewhat of a late bloomer.  I was certainly a girl most didn't notice through my freshman year.  But going into my sophomore year I decide to try out for cheerleading.  I remember a few snickers from certain girls as I walked into try-outs that first day.  But what they didn't know is that I had studied dance and taken gymnastics for many years and as always was a bit of a Tom-Boy.  I was more athletic than most of the "popular girls" and our coach was trying to make the team more professional (as she had cheered at State U).  I made the team and when I walked into school that first day I felt a new aura about me.  Not that I had "made it" from a popularity stand-point but that I was someone of accomplishment and to be noticed.

At first all I noticed was in fact being noticed.  I still ate with the same friends at lunch, still went to piano after cheerleading practice, still went out to dinner with my family on Friday night; most things had stayed the same.  I think they stayed the same because in spite of being noticed now I did not send out the signal that it was my mission to date the quarterback.  I can appreciate a guy that is fit but I have always liked the slightly "nerdy" guy that is into literature and music.  I had always hung out with the honors crowd and would continue to do so through high school in and around my various relationships with guys.

Before too long one of the more popular "music guys," Rance, started to notice me.  By music I don't mean marching band, Rance was in a band and that seemed very cool.  Rance was also a senior.  Rance took me to places I had never been before.  While he played rock music in his "garage band," on certain occasions he had country music places he would play solo on open mike nights.  This was all new to me but his range and passion for all forms of music was seductive.

Early on in the relationship he would always just take me home.  We would kiss and then I would go inside.  My parents thought he was such a good guy, if they only knew what lay ahead.  Soon Rance started to press for more.  Rance, who could be so beautiful on stage with a guitar and singing, would turn brusk and forward, almost dictatorial in that instant when he wanted me.  At this point in my life I did not have the confidence I have now.  Now I would have slugged him.  But then I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting what he wanted.  Eventually I decide that perhaps it was me that was wrong and that I should yield to him.  So in a car on some country road I had sex with Rance for the first time.

Our relationship meandered through the spring and summer.  What probably kept the relationship going was that we were both busy.  I didn't always accompany him on his weekend music pilgrimages and often I was tied up with dance or piano.  In hindsight I was probably doing things to keep myself away from him and of course he probably had other girls at those other places he went to when not with me.  But when we were not occupied we did always spend time together.  As time went on the ambiance of him diminished and things always felt forced.  Nothing was romantic anymore it was simply a quest to find a spot to screw and that was a turn off, I wanted more.

I was not sure how I felt when Rance went off to college.  The prospect of dating a "college guy" was intriguing but on the other hand I was anxious to move on.  Then one night Rance surprised me and said he was not going to college and asked me to marry him.  It totally creeped me out.

Rance did go on to college but I think dropped out after his first year.  The relationship quickly drifted away after his proposal and I was glad.

The remainder of high school I enjoyed my balance of being a cheerleader and hanging out with the thin niche of preppie honors guys in my high school.  One guy was Danny, my best friend.  Danny adored me but I always kept him at arms length.  He was brilliant but more like a brother, I could never see myself with him.  I did date Blake, somewhat the leader of this click.  He would become class President and voted Most Likely to Succeed.  He was an all around good guy and everyone knew he would be going places.  Blake and I formed one of those pacts that if neither of us was married by the age of 30 we would marry each other.  Thinking back he was the perfect guy and he is a high profile lawyer back home.  But while he was so very nice and comfortable he could never provide that thrill I experienced with Rance.

What was wrong with me.  I wanted that edge but when I had it, it scared me.  When I had comfort it was boring.  But I didn't worry much as I prepared for college.  I was excited to move away even though State U was only about 1 hour away from home.

to be continued.....

No comments: