Monday, June 24, 2013

Time Can't Afford No Time

Or Men are from Barbasol and Women are from Vidal Sasson

Ryan's Thoughts from a Salon Chair on a Few Differences between Men and Women

So I was at the salon getting my hair cut on Saturday afternoon.  You might be surprised that I am so concerned with my hair but I'll say that I was perfectly happy going to Floyd the Town Barber for several years until he decided to take his talents a little closer to the city.  So I was left with trying out the local salon in town which is still walking distance from my office.  There I met Shyahyn, the girl who has been cutting my hair for the past three years.  Her name is not really Shyahyn but I enjoy coming up with nouveau spellings of trendy names.  The salon is the "in" place for ladies to get styled in town.  The owner is very good which is why they go.  Shyahyn is pretty good as well but she has a nice smile and great tits which is why I go (see there is the first difference).

But my thoughts on today's post were spawned from a conversation I overheard Saturday between the owner and two young ladies, one of whom was getting her hair styled.  As I was driving home last night I thought about the experience and decided that this interaction was an excellent opportunity to produce a Ryan-esque turgid reflection on the difference between men and women!  :)

And I want to illustrate using faux dialogue:

Act I:  So How Would You Like Your Hair

Scene 1 - The Girls

Salon Owner - So honey what are we doing with this gorgeous hair today?

Girl 1 - You know I've really been thinking about going short, I love that Michelle Williams look.  Take a look at this, can you do this with my hair (showing Harper's Bizarre Magazine photo of several celebs).  Then again I really liked Gwynn Stefani's up bunn I saw on TMZ the other night.

Salon Owner - Do you think your fiancee will like the shorter look.

Girl 1 - Well you know he always says he likes my hair long and just keep it simple but I want to do something different and see how he likes it!  I'm so not sure.

Salon Owner - Oh honey he'll like you in anything!

Girl 2 - Yeah, she's right Beau loves you no matter what! (secretly knowing Beau won't like it because he told her he hated short hair while she was giving him a BJ three years ago - but she ain't volunteering that info).

Girl 1 - Well I want to look specatacular for the wedding announcement tea next Sunday so let's go with the Michelle look.

*  1.5 hours later the girls leave Girl 1 with a new hair style and mani-pedicure and Girl 2 with a list of 28 questions to ask the catering and florist about the upcoming wedding announcement tea.

Scene 2 - Dudes (Ryan)

Shyahyn - So what are we doing today, trimming it up?

Ryan - Yeah just the usual, it's getting hot.  If you have any thoughts go for it, you're the expert.

*  Thinking to himself - I really just want to get my hair shorter, relax in peace and quiet for the next 20 minutes, enjoy those long soft fingers running through my hair, and look at those nice beautiful tits (note Shyahyn usually wears a low cut blouse).  I wonder if that expert comment made any points?  Do you think I could get away with screwing my stylist?

Shyahyn - How does your wife like your hair?

Ryan - Urr, uhh, hmm, uhhh, short!  I think!?  I guess I'm not really sure, she never tells me so I guess she likes however I have it.  She mentioned something about Keanu Reeves once but I'm not sure; I guess I wasn't listening.

*  20 minutes later Ryan is done, pays for the cut, gives Shyahyn a $5 tip and goes.

Act II - Salon Dialogue, Guess Who's Coming for Dinner?

Scene 1 - The Girls

Girl 2 - I am not sure if I'm happy with this mascara I got yesterday at Ulta.  It's just not the right consistency, it's clumpy and it smudges!  I prefer the stuff I got from Sephora last time.

Girl 1 - OK, that's about you but today is about me!  We have to finish talking about my tea next month for all the bridesmaids.

*  Author's Note:  the real Girl 1 actually said that ("this is about me") in response to something her friend was saying, I kid you NOT!

Girl 2 - Hey I saw Giada did this lingonberry cous cous on endive that looked really cute.

Girl 1 - Ew, I'm not putting a piece of lettuce that looks like a purple penis into my mouth.

Girl 2 - OK so what do you want.

Girl 1 - I want some of those little cucumber sandwiches with vanilla infused honey sour cream spread and maybe some mini herbed asparagus puffs.

Girl 2 - Girl, that sounds so good.  But what about the invitations, I saw you invited Celine - you know she will probably show up with her bff Courtney.  That girl is trouble.

Girl 1 - Yeah at Hannah's engagement party she and Whitney's boyfriend went to the back and I just know she gave him a blow job - that slut!  And she ate half the chocolate dipped strawberries.  She kept eating the white chocolate one's and pretended she was licking some guys balls.

Girl 1/Girl 2 (in tandem) - Ewww.......

Girl 2 - But you have to invite Celine she is one of your maids-of-honor.

Girl 1 - OK she can come but I want you to make sure if Courtney comes over you occupy her, I don't want to be embarrassed.  Maybe you can get that weird guy Ryan from downstairs to come over.  I bet he wouldn't mind taking Courtney off our hands.  He's like Mickey - he'll eat anything.

Girl 2 - Girl, that Ryan would probably let Muffy (girl 1's shitza-poo) lick his balls.

Girl 1 - Ew, don't talk about Muffy that way!

Scene 2 - Dudes

Dude 1 - Dude we should get our posse together for game 7 tomorrow night.

Dude 2 - Yeah, let's get the dudes upstairs and those guys across the street.  Should we invite Ryan over?

Dude 1 - No that pussy will probably bring his girlfriend.  She won't let him take his dick anywhere without her.

Dude 2 - But he's our bro we shouldn't let a little thing like a girlfriend come between us?

Dude 1 - *uck him, that's his problem.  The last time his girlfriend was over she bitched the whole time about how gross the bathroom smelled and then she started throwing shit out of the 'fridge because she said it was out of date.  *uck that, I want to enjoy myself!

Dude 2 - OK, should we see if Carlton wants to come over?

Dude 1 - Dude, he's weird!

Dude 2 - Yeah but he works at the liquor store and he always bring over Jager!

Dude 1 - Cool, bring him over!  Make sure he brings the Jager.  Is he still dating that chick with the big tits?  She can come if she brings her friends.

Dude 2 - OK, I'll ask him.  What do you want to do for food.  I like sushi.

Dude 1 - Dude you're weird but if you insist on sucking down fish bait it's your life; I'm going for a bucket 'o KFC!

Dude 2 - OK, let's do it.

Hey, I should probably apologize for using those lyrics in the title.  If I had ever gotten caught listening to this band in high school I'd of probably got my ass beat.  But I've grown up, matured, and broadened my horizons.  And anyway is anybody who is reading this blog really looking for good taste?

But the band is called Hair Cut 100 a Brit band formed in 1980 that had two minor hits "Love Plus One" and "Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)," which include the lyrics above.  It's a funny little song about putting on your favorite shirt and meeting and "hooking up" with a girl at your favorite club.

It posses an interesting question:  can time afford time?  I guess since time does not have any form of currency it really can't afford anything.  But I think this is a spiritual question.  Since any point of time only exists in the moment of said time it can therefore not afford to spend any time on anything since as soon as it's finished being time it's gone and of course can't afford anything.  So I guess they are right!  Time can't afford no time!

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