"I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis"
I've been doing this blog for six years now (more to come later on that) and I can honestly tell you the thing I look most forward to every year is the annual cookie post Jz puts together. I love food and I love cool people and this is a great group of people to have a big old group sex blog/baking party with. Ahh, if only we could get together in person and grease up each other, I mean grease pans together and bake cookies!
You know I love to use lyrics for my post titles. For four cookie posts I used lyrics to the Cookie Song from Sesame street, because I get most of my intellect from children's TV shows! I'm proud to say I got 4 years worth of lyric titles off a song with 26 words - that takes a particularly creative lack of creativity I think! :)
This year I'm combining two things I love, cake and the lovely Shenandoah Valley. Just in case you thought this was a cookie post you were right, I rarely follow directions on this project and did not again this year; thus a cake recipe. But I think it makes for a lovely holiday addition for dessert or as a breakfast side or just something to have around to munch throughout the day.
So again, sorry for not following directions and not posting a cookie recipe and sorry for making you have a Blue-(berry) Christmas!
Shenandoah Valley Blueberry Cake
Note: this recipe actually comes from Charlottsville, VA which strangely is not in the Shenandoah Valley, rather just on the other side of Afton Mountain (of the Blue Ridge Mountains) from the Shenandoah Valley. In fact it's really in a perpendicular valley that forms from the James River running East towards Richmond and onto the Chesapeake Bay. But who reads this for geography!?
* Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees
* Generously grease a 9" square or round baking pan; any leftover grease you can use on your partner, this recipe goes great with sex!
* Combine flour, baking powder, and salt in small bowl and stir with a fork to mix well
* Combine butter and 0.75 Cups of sugar in medium bowl and whip w/mixer on high until well mixed. Kind of like giving your partner a light hearted tap to the rear; friendly but not mean spirited!
* Add egg to sugar and butter mixture and beat well for 2 minutes; stopping occasionally to scrape bowl. Continue until mixture is smooth and light, kind of like that sweaty glean you get to your body mid-sex!
* Stir half of flour and milk into sugar/butter mixture, keeping batter smooth and well combined
* Add remaining flour and milk, mixing gently until well combined.
* Wash and strain blueberries; you want them clean (no dirt) but don't let them squirt their juice yet!
* Add blueberries into batter mixture and stir gently until combined (do not over-stir); again, no squirting
* Scrape batter into greased pan. Any leftover batter can be applied to yourself or your partner and delicately licked off!
* Bake for 30 minutes or until cake is golden on top and springs back when touched gently, kind of like the feel you get when you are behind! :)
And while you are baking listen to this great Christmas classic by Dean and Frank!
Please take a look at our other happy bakers this year!
Jz
5:42 AM (4 hours ago)
to bcc: me
Here it is!
The complete list of 2016 cookie exchange participants.
Tomorrow will be fun :-)
I can't wait to see what we all come up with this year.
And now after a year of Brexit, ISIS, the Olympics, creepy clown sightings, and now even creepier elections we get to the end of another year and another word of the year.
Oxford, in their infinite wisdom, has given us "post-truth" as our word for 2016, just nosing out "Brexiteer" and "alt-right." At first glance it seems like an odd word and perhaps a contradiction. And then I remember the type of blog I write and imagine that a lot of us infidelity bloggers and Ashley Madison connoisseurs have in fact lived in a "post truth"world or imagined a tough "post truth" discussion if certain accounts or activities were to be revealed to certain people in our lives. So I guess I have to say I get it.
But because I'm all about specifics, specifically "post truth" is a term describing "a political culture in which debate is framed largely by appeals to emotion disconnected from the details of policy, and by the repeated assertion of talking points to which factual rebuttals are ignored." Or if you watch MSNBC, a bunch of gunk Russian hackers are posting on Drudge, Breitbart, and Fox!
Btw, perhaps now would be a good time to mention that people are saying that I, Ryan Beaumont, am the greatest Ashley Madison blogger of all time and perhaps the most amazing lover the world has ever seen. I'm not saying it but people are and perhaps they are right, I don't know; I'll leave it to you to find out. I would put a laughing out loud emoji next but that's so last year!
So I guess my first task is to eat a little crow. I did imply in my last post that Hillary had it locked up. And now we know she didn't. The thing is that as I watched Dave Chapelle and Chris Rock do their post mortem on naive liberals I realized I should have known. I've lived in Trump world for much of my life and it really isn't so odd to understand what happened. Maybe I'm a hypocrite, heck I've written about that "locker room" talk before, though with a little humility and questioning my morals and self deprecation. But if people have looked past my indiscretions I guess they can look past those of someone who says he is going to make it all better.
But in our "post truth" world and with a big old case of cognitive dissonance we have elected a reality star. And yet are all those angry white people in the Midwest to blame, you know those out of work steel workers as well as textile workers in the Carolinas? Well that is what all us elite liberals allowed ourselves to believe. And so we didn't give anyone anything to believe in. Yet the truth is many of those Trump'sters are not racists, they are not stupid, they are not even down and out of work. They are just tired of the sense of entitlement and smugness from the Clinton clan and frankly people like me. The Clinton's were out maneuvered in 2008 but we just didn't put forth a fight in 2016 because we were self assured. Sure, Bernie was interesting, but he was just a "post truth" faux foil for the inevitability of Clinton.
Oh well, lessons learned. But don't all us Ash Mad'ers know that. In the post truth world of Ashley Madison you find the most truth of all. Passion and adventure sell but that first meet and greet always reveals the truth and so if you don't give a vision of something to embrace and believe in you may as well never send that first priority message.
If you do move past post truth to the real truth on Ash Mad, you may find someone you can spend some truthful time in that created alternative reality bubble in your hotel room, vineyard, or place by the river. Sandee has been a real dear the last few weeks. Yes, she is a real Trump'ster Tea Party chick and yes she has been poking some good natured fun at your's truly. But that very light hearted play makes my real dissonance fade as things can't be so bad if someone as wonderful as Sandee is happy with the outcome!
And as Colbert said on election night "you cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time....the devil can't stand mockery!"
So maybe it's the end of the world as we know it, but let's try to be Shiny Happy People!
An Endorsement of Sorts lyrical interpretations arranged by R. Beaumont
sampled from the work of E. Money (Give Me Some Water, 1979)
Mama never understood what it's like for a jagass man
When her number one son tried to play politics with the Koch Brother's hand.
Daddy gave me $1 mill - but just Queens would never do
I was the one who got good with the refund - took the money from the rich IRS too.
Give me some votes, 'cause I killed the GOP on the Mexican Border
Czech Czech woman
give me uh woman
I need a hot hot woman
Donny grew up so fast and bought up 5th Ave one day
Said, "I'm a wanted man, I have small hands - but I'll be running you, anyway."
So I started to campaign against those bad government hombres in DC land
'til one day Move On caught us 'cause the Clinton's always get their man.
Give me some votes 'cause I killed the GOP on the Mexican Border
Czech Czech woman
give me uh woman
I need a hot hot woman
Oh, geeze, if I can just get through this campaign
I'd say it's as rigged as I can
But, Lord, there ain't enough stupid red states to run
Should I have called her a nasty woman?
Give me some votes 'cause I killed the GOP on the Mexican Border Kelly Ann give me a hand
Can't you see that long, white rope hanging from the tree of Liberty
Take the restless pollsters; tie my hands, of course; tell Melania that I'm finally free
Let me lose like a man - no one understands; let me say it's really Paul Ryan at fault
Smack that model in the ass; with my last dying grasp my peoples hear me say bigly
Give me some votes 'cause I killed the GOP on the Mexican Border
Czech Czech woman
give me uh woman
I need a hot hot woman
Give me some votes 'cause I killed the GOP on the Mexican Border
Kelly Ann and Ivanka give me a hand..... :(
God, I love that song..... Here is Eddie Money's version!
I've wanted to say something about this election for some time. In life I'm a pretty big political policy wonk and I'm admittedly a real left of center guy (think the one weird guy who looks forward to watching All Due Respect on Bloomberg and Fareed Zakaria GPS and worships Nate Silver and Larry Sabato). But blogging about politics is so boring and who has time for real policies that take more than 140 characters to read about. I'm mean really, this is the Ashley Madification of leadership; how to titillate and attract in 2,000 characters or less!!!
So I guess stealing some lyrics and spoofing the DONALD is the best way to make my point.
But do let me say that I am excited to Stand with Hillary!
If you like her now, you'll like her as Pres. If you don't like her now, I'm pretty sure your gonna like her soon; I think she'll get those good ole boys and girls in line down the street at the Capital!
And for maybe the last time here is some back and forth between Sandee (my favorite little tea party girl) and me.
Ryan - Seen any evil clowns today?
Sandee - Only the one's on MSNBC! :)
Ryan - lol, can W put on a cape and chase off the evil clowns running for President?
Sandee - Always loved England, think I'll move there after this election
Ryan - Do you remember that time back in '87 when the Donald groped you at the Bonjovi concert?
I bet he was chewing tic tacs
Sandee - Clinton's didn't pay me to suddenly remember!!!
Ryan - I thought it was Fatboy Slim the Mexican global newspaper cartel mogul that was paying off those ladies!
Sandee - lol
Ryan - Watching Dancing with the Stars!
Sandee - ooohhh, you are so manly!
Ryan - My prediction, the Donald comes in second place next season on Dancing and claims it's rigged!
Sandee - Ha! You must have had a second helping of the kool-aid!
Ryan - Wanna play!
Sandee - That does look fun! :)
Ryan - Trump def wins Nobel Prize for angriest man!
Sandee - And Hillary is a cheerleader in pants!!?
Ryan - Bottom line Hillary is a nasty hombre and the election is rigged! :)
Sandee - How can the wicked witch endorse Hillary when she is Hillary?
Ryan - See the system is rigged, the wicked witch is endorsing herself and using her flying monkeys to rig the media and the wizard is leveraging the global banking industry to undersmine poor Donald the straw man! Not even Putin, the Tin Man can save him!!
Sandee - Haha! You are way too crazy! :)
You know sometimes I wish I could be a spin doctor for the Tea Party, making up conspiracies is fun! It's kind of like an Ashley Madison note, what fantasy can I paint in a few words along side a bathroom selfie!
"Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets."
My girls are both teens now, one actually driving. It's fun to hear their laments about boys; why they do things, why they don't. I usually give them my slightly eccentric and anachronistic responses such as "you know Kissinger once said of the Russians 'never assume there is any intentionality in what they do.'" I always go on to add some other quotes like:
"it's not a matter of what is true that counts but a matter of what is perceived to be true."
- H. Kissinger
They then smirk, roll their eyes, and go back to texting; never quite getting my symbolism. But, however, I guess the main point I get across is that I'm exhibiting that main male characteristic of being egocentric about making sure I get my point across that means something to me but nobody else. Lesson learned! :)
So next point.
I should love Simple Minds, they are from Scotland after all. And they wrote the soundtrack to, like, every John Hughes movie that formed the backdrop of all us Gen-X'ers high school experience. They really are a very elegant and archetypal 80's band with the soulful lead singer, a steady bass line, and catchy symphonic bridges that form delightfully listenable songs. They were more musically adept than many of their 80's Brit peers and they created serenity with their balance of the traditional guitar/bass driven soul framed, not dominated, by 80's synth. I always enjoy crisp percussion and they provide that as well. They always give me contentment when Richard Blade plays one of their songs on First Wave and I'm taken back to a gentler more peaceful time.
So why, if Simple Minds is so damn good, I listen to them but I don't roll down the windows and scream the lyrics and play my steering wheel drum set to the song like I do with "Come on Eileen" or the Clash's "Train in Vain" or even Bob Seger's "Beautiful Loser?"
I just don't know, it's one of those enigma's or paradoxes, kind of like what makes a guy like a girl. Well, more like what makes a guy REALLY want to *uck a girl. Yeah that's it! Figuratively Simple Minds are like that girl who is really cool and chill to hang with but, let's face it, you just don't want to *uck her. "Come on Eileen" ain't gonna win no Grammy's but damn, if that song was a girl you sure would want to nail her at least once! Am I right? Yeah, you know I am.
Oh Allie. She's a girl I knew in college. She's a Facebook friend as well. You know those Facebook friends who post all the time about going to Wal Mart and making a big fuss about their special day at Six Flags over Indianapolis? The one's you laugh at because they need to get a life! Allie is not one of those people. She posts all the time and all the time she is doing totally COOL crap. And I'm not someone who is easily impressed. She's a writer, a musician, she does Celtic dancing, she yoddles with Tibetan monks, has box seats at Nationals games, yada, yada. I lied about the yoddling, she doesn't actually do that with Tibetan monks but she probably does with somebody. She's that cool.
In college she was way cool.
So right now you are probably expecting me to tell you about some epic adventure where we had passionate sex all weekend along the dunes of the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Or maybe this is a sad story of unrequited love where Allie was always just beyond the grasp of poor Ryan.
You would think wouldn't you? But no, Ryan is as finicky with women as he is with music. There is nothing wrong with Allie. As I said she is/was uber cool. She could drink with the guys, was always cheering loudly at Big State U games, liked cool music. She is/was cute too, diminutive and petite but while somewhat demur in private, she projected an inner strength and confidence. Outwardly she looked delicate but you kind of knew she could kick your ass if she had too. But she was sweet, not threatening and always had a sincere truly happy smile. When you talked to her she really listened and focused and made you feel like she thought whatever you were talking about was as fantastic to her as it was to you. Guys like that you know. Oh, and she was pretty hot too with great legs and a rather shapely toned behind.
I always had a feeling she was interested in me. Many times at a party or a bar among our frat friends I would contentiously make myself realize she did look very interested, was flashing those typical interested signs, and was entirely available. I would debate with myself why I should go for it, do more than flirt. A few times into the late hours of a Big State U Saturday night, or maybe even early Sunday morning hours of a Big State U weekend the party crowd would diminish. Only a few remained in the house, she and I might be two of the few. This might be the opportunity. Perhaps score, or maybe just do something that would lead to something later. I could never bring myself to pull the trigger. I don't know why. But who knows what lerks in the minds of a guy.
Allie was cute, but maybe the lines of her cheek and jaw bones seemed a bit masculine. Maybe her kinked up 80's hair didn't seem like something I craved running my hands through as I lay on top of her. Maybe in looking into her green eyes I saw my cousin looking back at me? Maybe she was too available and I craved the process of pursuit and conquest. Maybe there is just a fine line between cute and sexy?
I wish I knew. I wonder if she wondered what was going on in my mind like my girls wonder what goes on in their guy friends minds. I'm glad she couldn't read my mind because there really was never any intentionality in it. Which goes back to my original point.
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full!"
Oh wait, that is another Kissenger quote, I forgot what my main point was but that is typical of me and of guys.
I was on the 70's channel last night and thought I should use this song but I just wasn't feeling it. I guess I was Not in Love with using Not in Love to write about not being in love. You just don't know what goes through a guys mind!
Omg, almost a month has gone and I've not written a post. I've had lots of thoughts and I always think I want to post but then I just don't have any time. In these moments it's best to go with food!
So here is a food post for when you don't have any time to blog or to really cook or do anything but work and take the kids to soccer practice.
You see we've had some pot-luck events of late and I don't have any time to do those either. So when I'm in this situation I do two things: 1) I procrastinate on blogging, 2) I do this simple yummy and mostly healthy recipe.
I call it - Ryan's Mediterranean Quinoa Salad!
Ingredients:
* 2 or 3 boxes of Near East Quinoa Blend, I prefer the Rosemary and Olive Oil because Rosemary is my favorite herb and a Rosemary once gave me a great blow job! But trust me, while there are oils in the recipe there are no body fluids involved (unless by choice).
* Now remember you are at Wegman's (not some crappy place like Food Lion, Publix, or Piggly Wiggly if you are in other parts of the county). You can substitute UCrops or Whole Foods for Wegman's if necessary.
* Now that you are at Wegman's, go to the Tapas bar and get about 0.5 lbs of some type of Mixed Olive and Feta Cheese (antipasto) mixture, some Roasted Red Peppers, and a Green Pepper or maybe some Red Bruschetta. Btw, that's a mixture of tomatoes, olive oil, and onions not a song by Rush!
* Go home and follow the directions on the box of Near East Quinoa Blend. I believe it's 1.75 cups of water and 1 TBS of olive oil. Bring the water to boil, add the Quinoa and spice mixture, and then the olive oil.
* Once the Quinoa is soft remove from heat. If you chose a green pepper or maybe some mixed squash, go ahead and chop that up and add it to the Quinoa now. The heat from the Quinoa will effectively blanch the veggies while leaving them with a little crunch.
* Let the Quinoa cool a little on the counter-top. Btw, you always want to cool things to under 40 degree within 4 hours of the temp dropping below 140 degrees, but you should allow them to cool a little on the counter-top so you don't put undue stress on your refrigerator coils. I said that just so I could sound handy-dandy. I really don't know what I'm talking about.
* Cool the Quinoa in the refrigerator. A few hours later take the Quinoa out of the refrigerator and fluff with a fork. Add the olive antipasto mixture, the roaster red pepper and/or the red bruschetta and mix completely. Put back in the refrigerator.
* Serve the next day! It's better when those peppers and olives have had time to infuse the Quinoa.
* Next day at the pot luck accept unapologetic all compliments for all your hard work and keen sense of food style. You know all the cool celebs like Gwyneth and J Law eat lots of Quinoa.
You know Quinoa is a very healthy food. As wiki says (because, remember, I don't have a whole lot of time for this), "quinoa is a rich source of protein, dietary fiber, several B vitamins, and dietary minerals." But more importantly your friends will think you are hipster chic and uber food forward.
OK, that's all for now. I gotta go to the gym a get a Kale Protein shake (jk, I can't stand Kale). I'll try to get some thoughts and reflections out later this week and I got a whole lot of thoughts on this here American election. Mr. Trump is so rich for humorous analysis.
We are in the midst of that great American 4 year cycle that is the Presidential election. I love politics so I love this period every 4 years, trying to read into the polls, anticipate the trends, ascertain where the critical moment occurred that swung the election in a certain direction. Though I don't do a whole lot of politics here I feel like I may do some commentary as one recent selection made this year just a bit more personal to me.
But for all the emphasis we place on national elections, in my life I've found that what happens locally is so much more vital and impactful. That county supervisor may determine which road gets fixed, the school board member decides the direction of your child's school, the sheriff makes your streets and neighborhoods clean and safe, your mayor makes sure the roads are plowed when it snows. Those national politicians move us emotionally but those around us enrich our lives, give it flavor, make us feel whole.
In my life I have been awed by the impact the seemingly little local people make in our daily lives. Mary, who smiled and said hello to me every night at dinner in college. Susie who could top over 500 Pizza Hut personal pan pizzas every day before 11 am. Doug who was irritatingly slow yet his persistence made him the most amazingly efficient and productive custodian I've ever seen.
For the past twelve years that I have been in this community our lives have revolved around dance. In our little dance community Ma Beth has been a rock. Transporting so many kids over the years, mending costumes, and just being a smiling face for the girls week in and week out.
Every year we have a big holiday recital. The production takes months to plan and then execute. Toward the end the nights of dress rehearsal followed by three shows in two days are exhausting for the girls and the parents. By Sunday afternoon you are numb. At the end we all go to Ma Beth's house. Bone weary you walk into Ma Beth's quaint home, you see her smiling face, and you walk into the kitchen and are greeting with the warmest richest aromas you can ever imagine. Ma Beth always prepares three pots of chili (chicken, beef, and veggie) and Broccoli Cheddar Soup (proudly adapted from the Panera recipe she always says). The soup pours life back into your soul and soon your are joyous to be in the company of friends. One of the parents is a musician and he always has his band at the party. Soon happy folk and bluegrass tunes are played, the soul is replenished, the heart is happy, the brain is free from care; a rare moment of tranquility. A rare moment when nothing else in the world matters except to enjoy that moment.
What is even more amazing about this moment is that Ma Beth has been fighting cancer for several years now and has been the caretaker of a husband falling deeper into dementia.
As I listen to this year's speeches I am encourage with hope for the future. But regardless of the outcome I am amazed by the power of people around me to shape and amplify the lives around them.
This spring Ma Beth entered into the final stages of cancer. The family was not sure she would make it to the spring recital. The girls put together a show for her at a local theater. It was like some kooky episode of the Brady Bunch, some kids were off key. Other kids choreographed dance numbers that were quite good. All was beautiful though because all was done in recognition of a beautiful powerful person who everyone loved and whose presence made lives better. All wanted to let Ma Beth know how much she meant. She was delighted.
Ma Beth did make it to the spring recital but sadly she passed away a few weeks ago.
I'm not sure why I want to write about her, I surely don't do her justice. Perhaps in this season of world issues I just want to tell a small story of a small person who made a big difference in her world and the world of those around her and who made us feel warm and cared for on a cold winter's night.
"I don't care, I love it........." You know if you are ever in a funk about what to write about crank up some Swedish electro-pop; it always yields perspective!
I really like this song for some reason, it landed exactly where the Icono Pop girls asked Swedish producer Style of Eye to put it. The girls asked their producer this of the song, "we want the punkiness; we want the '*uck it' feel." That's exactly what they got in this Milleneal requiem to Anarchy in the UK, albeit Icelandic in origin.
You know DC is a wonderful city full of parks, culture, out of the way pubs and bistros. For such a big city I'm always in awe of how you can almost get "off the grid" inside some park along a meandering stream even when you are inside the Beltway. And yet this town is known for unrealized lines of demarcation that mask sudden and drastic changes in lifestyle. One minute you can be on Capitol Hill and the next in Capital Heights, which can be quite dangerous. Both of course! On the Hill a bunch of old people in suits are busy *ucking you over slowly and silently; in the Heights they are a little more up front and candid. But it's true, as one moves a few blocks to the East and South away from those iconic monuments dangers can be quite real. Yet, my dad (who has lived in the district) has told me how peaceful many of those dangerous neighborhoods can be at daybreak as streets that are violent at 2 in the morning become vacant ghost towns. The bottom line is often the border between reality and fiction, safety and danger, adventurous and egregious is thin and far from ubiquitous.
Speaking of Milleneals and a certain Swedish "*uck it" attitude, I had some interesting interactions on AM in the weeks after communicating with Sunny; interactions that tested my "savoir faire," so to speak.
One thing I quickly noticed after logging back into AM in the fall was the prevalence of young ladies blinking at me. Well, that wasn't anything new, in the past when I logged in after being off a few weeks it was typical for some "online host" to wink at me. I learned to ignore them. But all of a sudden I was getting Ash Mad e-mail notifications on my "mischief e-mail" from strange ladies, ladies with names like jucee20(at)yayhoodot and candi4Uatgmale. Of course my learned tendency has been to ignore the fact that a 24 year old girl named Jucee "has added me to her favorites." That being said I'm always curious and I'll admit I always look at their profile. Who knows, it may lead to a blog thought? But on several successive occasions my 20 something Millineal admirer went "poof" before I could even consider writer to her. This went on a few days, I didn't think much of it. But when one night I got a note from suzEcums4U_gmail and literally within 10 seconds her profile was gone I had one of those curious "hmmmm" moments.
Of course you know me, I then logged off and went to bed.
Oh, if that could only be the case.
No, curiosity got to Ryan and of course I sent a note to SuzE's gmail and just for good measure sent one to Jucee20, Candi, and a few others on the thought that perhaps that AM profile name was in fact their e-mail address.
Amazingly over the next few days I realized these new girls really liked my writing style, they all wrote me back; I had never had so much luck on AM!
Daniella was a layed back girl with an MBA from Cal State Monterrey Bay who enjoyed Dolly Parton and walks along the beach and a little Pinot every now and again but really just wanted a guy with a sense of humor to love and be loved by. And DANG, she was gorgeous in that form fitting dress!
Kris
Then there was Kris who was always positive, humorous, understanding, silly and oh by the way submissive and wanted a guy who took control. She wanted "to be a lady in the street and a freak in the bed," seems like a poet I saw once said that. She had studied abroad at University College in Dublin, but now lived in Arizona and she always seemed to be attached to some frothy boat drink. She looked cute and perky and always had the nicest smile. Kris was the most demure and was not so quick to show her tits to just anybody.
Alison
Then there was Alison. Alison all of a sudden lived in my town. Alison was like the folks in Capital Heights, very candid. Alison just plain old wanted to *uck and wanted to know if I could meet tonight. Well, this after we discussed my education and philosophy on how government oversight can influence market driven solutions to green policy and reduce ozone depleting emissions. Well maybe we didn't talk about that but I don't want Alison to sound like a slut, it did take about 8 notes before she sent me a nude picture and the request for a quick meet and greet downtown.
Karen aka Lana
Then there was sweet Karen, a mute hairdresser from Lampassa, TX who now lived in Springfield, IL. For some reason she must be the only person in Springfield, IL who has not heard of Cozy Dog. Yeah that's the sucky thing about trying to scam Ryan, I've eaten everywhere so I'll know if you don't live somewhere by the restaurants you don't know about. I'm also hard to keep on message. But I really liked Karen. I genuinely felt bad when she cussed me out for asking if we could skype, forgetting that she was mute and didn't know sign language and thus could not communicate via skype. I'm so unfeeling! I actually found Karen on Facebook, My Space, and some other sites. She seemed somewhat real.
Kathy aka Mia W
Then, I got a new (CRAZY) idea. I wanted to interview one of these ladies, perhaps help them along and find out what was behind these profiles and photos. Sure they were scammers in some way but perhaps they had a story. And, of course, I had a blog forum to help them towards fame. :)
There were others of course; Diana (from South Africa), Fiona (who looked dangerously young, I didn't reply), Jane (who looked a lot like Aspen Rae), Fibbi who was VERY hot and generous with her nude photos, and Ashley who I found very interesting. I would love to show you Fibbi au natural but this is a family oriented infidelity blog you know! :)
Fibbi aka xoGisele
Of course mystery is best fostered when you don't ask questions. However, in an age when altered reality is so easy to join and so immersive, the truth is evasive but the NON truth is so easy to attain. For example click on one of those pictures one of those lovely ladies sends and hit "search google image." Voila, il y a la verite!
None of my girls seemed interested in an interview. None wanted to tell me what their dreams and aspirations where, or where they wanted their life to go.
Of course I knew all along that these girls were scammers and I do know that the post modern answer to the peep show is the web cam girl. But again, remember this all came for Ashley Madison. Not directly, certainly not a linear path, but somewhat congruent none-the-less if not hidden underground as if a silent underground stream.
Ashley aka Ginger
For some reason Ashley and Karen were still a curiosity to me. Karen was always polite, though cryptic and never made any offers. Ashley was just plain cute and sexy and for some reason looked familiar. So I continued to write and investigate.
As of this writing I still get no more from Karen than, "how's it going?" I did learn that Karen's image was that of Lana Brooks, the ultimate scam girl (most favored by foreign scammers). Not that Lana is a scam girl but for some reason her images are particularly appealing to scammers. It must be because she looks oh so "girl next door."
Of course, to be the original of something you must have been emulated. And that is where I found the story of the other "library girl." That library girl was just poor Kendra Sutherland, a 19 year girl attending Oregon State University and trying to earn some extra money to pay for textbooks. Kendra realized that masturbating to web cam in the library may make her good bucks and whose to blame someone for trying to make the most tips. I certainly worked hard to pay my tuition back in the day. Unfortunately Kendra got caught and good old OSU was not too interested in being a host for on-line porn transactions. Kendra won't be getting a BS in anything soon from there.
But then I realized I had just crossed the block. I was no longer in my suburban world of bored housewives and slightly overweight ex-jocks whose wives are no longer interested in sex. I was not a consenting adult in a bad marriage asking another consenting adult in a bad marriage to share some physical gratification. I was now a middle-aged man "virtually" walking towards the peep show door behind which was a young girl working for tips. Without knowing I was in a different world even though the street I had originally turned onto said Ashley Madison.
Ashley Madison has always been a bawdy diversion, a little spice to la vie, a risque diversion from the mundane real world. The concept of MAD (mutually assured destruction) was a crutch of consenting adults that incentivized and excused the behavior. But just like Pennsylvania Avenue, at some point you've left the Capital District and have crossed over into Anacostia. There are concentric circles of dark deviancy overlapping into our "justified" deviancy. That dark deviancy masks a dark reality that young men in Africa are trying to get you to pay for indecent content or some poor college girl is asking you to go to her web cam to get grocery money. I'd love to help her but for some reason it feels like helping her get a job as a restaurant manager would be better than a tip after a five minute web cam session.
But regardless I now know that while Ashley Madison Ave. may seem to start in NW DC there are unknown lines of demarcation, beyond which you are proverbially in the wrong part of town and about to do things you didn't plan on doing when you first turned onto that street.
But who knows?
As many would say of me -
"Your so damn hard to please, we gotta kill this switch Your from the 70's, but I'm a 90's *itch........"
God I love that lyric, I so want some 20/30-something lady to say this to me -
Wow, that lyric could really make a great quote for a post although I think I've ran into more trouble in life when I wasn't paying attention to the hole!
But anyway today's post is not about that type of hole it's about....
Yep, there really is a National Donut Day. Actually it was created in 1938 by the Salvation Army in celebration of the women who served donuts to the doughboys who fought World War I. While doughnut-like pastries are served all over the world, for the most part, donuts are a rare American contribution to the culinary lexicon. If you doubt that donuts are American you are wrong because donuts are fried and anything fried, and/or with bacon, must be American.
I love donuts! My favorite is a glazed cake blueberry donut.
In America donuts can really define you. Nationally, there are two giants in the donut business Dunkin' Donuts (based in Boston, MA and holding a 60% "lion's share of the retail donut business) and Krispy Kreme (a more regional brand originally from Winston-Salem, NC and holding about a 5% market share). Donuts create quite the paradox for me because I love donuts but I also REALLY like coffee. As for donuts, us Southerners would say there is no competition - Krispy Kreme wins any day of the week! If you ever pass by a Krispy Kreme and the "Hot Donuts" sign is lit - STOP. Those warm donuts literally melt into your mouth. Dunkin' Donuts are OK, but in my humble opinion mediocre. However, Dunkin Donuts stays strong because they have the best coffee in the US, even beating McDonalds and rival Starbucks on most Amerian palates. Actually, to me Sheetz has better coffee, but that's a regional brand here in the Mid-Atlantic. Dunkin Donuts also has the best Sweet Tea which is against the laws of God and nature that Yankees make better sweet tea than Southerners. It's even better than Chick-fil-A and McAllister's, I say with a heavy heart.
Btw, just in case you were trying to make a case for Tim Horton's - screw you and go back to Canada!
But there in lies the paradox does the donut make the coffee or does the coffee make the donut? I guess you really never know.
Of course donuts are even better when purchased locally. I could tell you my two all time favorite donut places but, in a sentence, it would tell you where I grew up and where I live now. Donuts can identify you that way. I will give you a hint though, my favorite all time donut is made by this little Amish bakery I know of - damn they are awesome.
There are those derivatives of donuts. Beignets for example are a type of donut hole topped with powdered sugar and popular in New Orleans. The best place to try those for the first time is at the Cafe du Monde just off Jackson Square. And the coffee there? Bleck! Chickory? That's like a tree root, not beans you know. But the donuts (beignets) and the atmosphere are great.
Anyway, here is a fun donut song. If you need more info on donuts here is an actual "Donut Blog," proving you can blog about anyting including blogging about donuts and not sex.
"or shut and be a victim of authority Warning, live without warning I say warning, live without warning....."
A few days ago I mentioned coming across a charming lady on AM last fall. I was pretty sure Sunny was real. She had a photo on her profile which usually means fake but that photo, while cute, was not overwhelmingly flattering. She also stated on her profile she was 49. Not to say that there are no women who are 49 on the site but those that are usually have profiles that say there are anywhere between 39-42, truth in age is a rare commodity on AM. Of course she could have been 62 I guess?
From her profile she did seem pretty cool. "Looking for fun and adventure....," "need a new start, someone who challenges and invigorates me...," all typical types of profile needs and wants. And yet, no statements of "I'll rock ur world..." or "you take care of me and I'll take over in the bedroom..." Again, indications, I've come to find of reality and not internet Cat-fishing. In fact Sunny even talked about food, wine, and travel; all things I enjoy.
Things went great once we got onto e-mail. What often is the case when I'm in the "wtf" state of mind is that I just become myself and don't worry about writing the wrong thing on e-mails. And, of course, that is when you are always most successful with ladies.
In Sunny's case, she seemed uber cool, a guys dream. She loves college football, though an alum of a Big State U rival. We had fun picking on each other's teams. She loves food, we exchanged recipes and memories of our favorite restaurants; many of which were roadside BBQ joints throughout the Carolinas. She loves the coast of the Carolinas and had many memories and I shared mine.
I was thinking this was looking pretty good. Of course I'm shallow and looks count. Something else that peeked my interest was that she grew up a "beauty queen" and was still involved in local pageants. She looks perhaps like Sandra Locke.
She also seemed to have a pretty stable and successful career. I've come to find that is a good thing. I have no problem paying for lunch, gifts, hotel rooms but often wealth disparity can be an issue in theses types of relationships. Things (AM-wise) were actually the most comfortable with Sandra and I as she was quite independently wealthy, or rather her husband was, and looked at me somewhat as a boy-toy. I was thinking Sunny might be an opportunity to have one of those easy-breezy unemotional "sex buddies" kind of things. We were trying to find a time to meet for lunch and unfortunately we were both traveling a bit. But I felt sure we would meet some time soon.
Have I mentioned that I am rather curious? I'd like to think not "stalker'ish," just curious. Another thing I've found out in my time on AM and Blogger, kind of like the saying all of us on Earth have just six degrees of separation, is that all of us can be found on google with less than six pieces of information, probably about four.
At this point I knew Sunny's real name (not Sunny, I'm not so stupid as to give you one piece of information on a blogging site) - point one. I knew approximately where she lived from AM - point two and I knew her job - point three. And of course I have a picture. Which btw, do you know about clicking "google image" on a photo? We'll talk about that later but for now I know what Sunny looked like. Of course, I'm not creepy, she knew about as much about me as I did of her and she had my photo as well; mostly sun glass photos though.
Oh yeah, and I knew about that pageant stuff as well.
Sunny looks much better than this director!
So while Sunny was away, Ryan couldn't help playing curious and googling. And yep, that was her in that Linkedin photo. Wow, she does seem interesting and cute. And there was a link to her pageant involvement, I bet there will be some nice photos there.
Yep, she looks nice in that gown!
Hey that place looks familiar, I think I've been to that place. Click to next picture..... Hey that place is just down the street, I wonder how often she makes it up here. Click to next picture.... Hey that girl Sunny is with looks very familiar. Yikes, she looks familiar because I know her! Yikes, I don't know Sunny and she doesn't know me; but we sure know a lot of people and places together!
And so there is the moral of today's story:
* If you are just on AM don't be so concerned about "local guys/girls." Traveling 25+ miles is a pain but anonymity among AM friends is certainly less painful
* Be careful how much you put out there ahead of the first "meet and greet." Make sure you know the person you are considering for as your new "sex buddy." Or more importantly make sure you don't know them or that they are not your daughter's reading teacher or your wife's hair stylist!
* Don't give out pictures that tell who you are and what you do and don't send pictures that are already on internet sites that say who your are, such as Linkedin, Facebook, Pinterest, etc.
That's all for now. Sorry for no sex. I suppose I could have lied and said we had sex first and then I found out about the pageant stuff but it's all the trips and falls that make this AM stuff interesting in the end anyway.
Have a Happy Memorial Day as we reflect on those who have sacrificed so that we can do stupid things like screwing around on social dating sites and blogging about it. I wish I could honor that sacrifice with a higher purpose.
Gen John Logan statue in DC Btw, Memorial Day was first celebrated as Decoration Day in 1868 when veterans of the Union Army, the Grand Army of the Republic, gathered to remember the Civil War dead by decorating graves. The group was organized by General John Logan, who served under General US Grant in the Union Army of the Potomac. President Lydon Johnson created Memorial Day officially as a Federal Holiday in 1966.
Shenandoah Valley Blueberry Cake
