Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!

Or the Science of Ashley Madison
a theoretical perspective by R. Beaumont (BS, MBa, and BMF)
...psst, that means bad mother fucker, he stole that from Cheech and Chong!

I don't speak a whole lot about my family here.  Yes, I'm married and yes I've have two daughters but that is about all I've said.  I am however very proud of my parents; they did as you can see raise me and I am grateful for that!  They are both teachers and my father a professor and a fairly successful scientist.  And so I grew up in a very logical family and am very familiar with scientific method.  As you might have seen I have introduced science into my experiences from time to time.

Now I'm forgetting my point.  Let me think.

Hmmm...., well anyway I'll remember it in a moment.  In the meantime I'll just share this with you since I'm thinking about it.

The other day I was at the gym stretching out.  I love the stretching room because there are mirrors on both sides of the room.  As such I can stretch and while doing so look at the ass of the girl stretching behind me!  So the other day I was stretching and watching this particularly nice ass that was in the mirror.  Round, toned, and with a perfect three dimensional curvature with respect to width and depth and two perfectly round cheeks!  Then I noticed I could see the reflection of myself looking at her ass and I had to hold back a giggle.  God I love those rolled down waist bands; the person who thought of that deserves a Nobel Prize!

But then I noticed I could see her ass in the reflection of me looking at her ass.  And then I realized that I could see myself looking at the reflection of the reflection of me looking at the reflection of her ass.  This went on and on, my mind began to spin.  I then contemplated what I saw.  And then I realized, I was looking at an infinity of asses!  Wow, science!

Yeah, now I remember what I was going to say.  So in that "ass moment" that I was having I began to contemplate infinity and it's affect on life.

No silly, not like the infinity of the expanding universe or the infinity of the human creative mind or even how infinitely stupid Republicans from Texas can be.  I'm talking how infinity affects a guy like me.

You know the other week I spent an entire five days talking about e-mail queens.  Other friends of science, such as Riff Dog, have spent much time as well studying the e-mail queen.

But what no man has attempted is to discover is the theoretical boundary to infinity of the e-mail queen.  It's really a simple exercise when you think about it.  Normally after about a month of e-mailing the e-mail queen guys like me just give up.   But, my young scientists, what would happen if you just kept e-mailing the e-mail queen.  Would we in fact reach infinity?  Or would we discover the limit of the e-mail queen or rather the point where we might actually intersect with the e-mail queen!

e-mails/day toward getting laid
For example, normally when you first encounter the e-mail queen there is the occasional e-mail and as you pick up interest the e-mails increase exponentially but will eventually tail off marginally as you realize you probably ain't getting laid.  That actually represents your Positively Skewed Curvilinear Preference Function where the "y" axis represents the number of e-mails/day and the "x" axis represents time in weeks until getting laid.  As time goes on you get closer and closer to getting laid but never quite reach intersection (or in this hypothesis intercourse) as your function plots to infinity.

Now this, my friends, is something worth researching!

Because my hypothesis is that certain e-mail queens do have a quantifiable limit and are not bounded by infinity.  I pose that there is in fact a theoretical intercourse point for a given e-mail queen if one is patient enough or rather has a flat preference curve (or as I call it the Ryan Gullibility Curve or Laughter Curve).

Now we need only a subject to test our hypothesis that in fact as the curvilinear function tends towards infinity there is actually a point of intersection (intercourse) out there somewhere.  Wow, now I'm feeling a bit like Columbus!  Or perhaps more aptly Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science!

And so it was on a warm August day, when I took my first critical look at Ashley Madison in several months, that I took the first steps in a long journey of scientific discovery.  And by critical look, I mean I had no sexual prospect at hand so I was looking to find someone and was going to be in "Ryan's really trying mode" which I really hadn't been in for almost a year.

Ooops, I'm getting a little long today - maybe this should be a 2 parter or more!  :)


Rosie said...

You are so channeling you know who. A two-parter my ass, and on email queens. But I look forward to what you have to say. I don’t think of myself as an email queen, but I DO want some nice, articulate, educated emails of several paragraphs from someone who knows how to do the pursuit. After all I do deserve the very best. And I’ll admit that after reading you I hope for someone as creative about first meetings, or any meetings. Men are generally so boring and lack creativity. Women don’t make the hunt difficult; men just don’t make enough of an effort.

Kat said...

Would you think less of me if I admitted that all the statistics talk got me *very* aroused? Yup, I'm wetter than if I had been reading a sex post. ;-) But I don't want to reveal too much about myself...

This was hilarious! And why am I not surprised that it all started with you staring at a gal's ass at the gym?

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Rosie - your comments always have a no-reply on the e-mail. I'll be glad to send you my best e-mail any time! Believe me I am very creative or full of BS depending on your opinion.

@ Kat - So could I bring to orgasm with the analysis I once did on why Tradable Permits and BTU's taxes are better than flat regulations for controlling pollution and effluents.