Wednesday, January 11, 2012

He's Walkin' in LA......Nobody Walks in LA

I'd be glad to be walking in sunny SoCal today; although it's not too bad here today.

So I know you're thinking I live a really extravagant life.  Well I hate to burst your bubble but I don't.  In fact most nights when the girls are in bed Shannon drifts off to the computer to do whatever she does and I hop on the couch and watch TV.  From a few blog entries you can probably tell I watch a lot of sports and other worthless stuff.  In fact I'm reminded of that Anchorman Ron Burgundy quote "whatever is on that teleprompter Burgundy will read."  Well in my case "no matter what worthless teams are on Beaumont will watch that college football game."

So it was a few weeks ago that I was watching the Beef O'Brady Bowl between Marshall and Florida International (a real power match-up if there ever was one).  No I didn't make up that bowl game these corporate affairs need no changing; they are hilarious enough on their own e.g. the Poulan Weedeater Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Hyundai Sun Bowl, the Jiffy Lube Congressional Enema Capital Classic (actually that one I made up)   :)

Anyway the bowl game was pretty boring.  It was tied 10-10 until Marshall blocked a punt late in the game to go up by 3.  So I started channel surfing and found Kathy Griffin's latest comedy special from Atlantic City.  I love Kathy Griffin, she is so delightfully tacky!  Kind of what I aspire to be, meaning delightful as I know I'm already tacky!

About half way through the show she starts talking about "her gays."  She says they are always ahead of the curve on style, fashion, and now technology.  She says there is a gay app called Prowlr where you can put out your location and desire on your IPhone, pad, etc. so others close by can meet you.

And then it hit me - where is Ashley Madison on this gig!  I know you can get AM for you mobile phone to get messages but that doesn't really help for instant gradification.   AM needs an app so you can get a GPS to that special lad or lady that wants exactly what you want at that particular moment in time.

So as I thought of this I did as I normally do; I think WWRD.  Don't get it?  That's What Would Riff Do.

So I imagined a day in the life of Riff on AM's mobile app:

7:50 am - stuck in traffic on the 405, looking for someone to give me a hummer in my hummer; and share an HOV lane! #Riff

8:32 am - @ Starbucks getting my half caf w/soy milk/half non-caff w/organic grass feed milk w/guava spritzer at Starbucks at corner of Melrose and Vine.  Anyone want me to dip my love wand in my beverage and use it like a honey stick for your bubble Chi! #Riff

9:22 am - walking into office, meeting with Clay Aikin in 15 mins; do you think we can sign him! Who wants a threesome out there! #Riff

10:39 am - Done with meeting, who wants a quickie under the Hollywood sign #Riff

11:21 am - early lunch @ Spago; who wants fellatio off menu behind the dumpster, we're serving a big helping of my love juice.  #Riff

3:02 pm - leaving work for hollywood gym; ready to be submissive in gym tights!  Who wants to spank my ass while I do Yogalates!  #Riff

4:32 pm - tanning/massage appt at Asian Dolls in East Hollywood; who wants to roll me over for a hand job!  #Riff

5:01 pm - OMG, can't believe I'm working this late!  Only an intern
around here; if they won't take it in the ass from me again will you??

8:00 pm - Back home, ready for Celebrity Wife Swap.  How do I get in
on this!  I bet Michaele Salahi would love me and I did jam with Neal
Schon back in the 80's - we would be perfect!  #Riff

9:59 pm - Still thinking about Celebrity Wife Swap... I wonder what my wife would think of Ozzy?  'Cause I think I'd like to nail Sharon!  I would love to get behind her a yell "ShaaaaaaRON!"  #Riff

10:20 pm - Going to bed, another big day tomorrow!   :)  #Riff

Sorry, I just couldn't go any further into the year without shamelessly brown-nosing Riff!


Kat said...

LOL. I laughed out loud at "half caf w/soy milk/half non-caff w/organic grass feed milk w/guava spritzer." But then I moaned at "Anyone want me to dip my love wand in my beverage and use it like a honey stick" because I know that would not be right. Either the beverage would be hot and his love wand would be burnt, or the beverage would be iced and his love wand wouldn't be a stick at all. Haha

Rosie said...

You forgot Riff’s ubiquitous offer of “Come over and see my office.” Now where would he fit that in?

Cara Janes said...

WWRBD? He'd write a HILARIOUS blog about it. :-)

Ryan Beaumont said...

@Kat - I have to admit I stole that thought a bit from the movie LA Story. I have some other thoughts from that movie entering my blog in the coming weeks.

@Rosie - You are right, I did imply that someone could drop by for a threesome in THE OFFICE w/Clay Aiken :)

@WWRBD - probably go to NoCal! That is more my scene!

Riff Dog said...

Ha! If only that was really a typical day around here.

My favorite is, "Only an intern
around here; if they won't take it in the ass from me again will you??"
I half wonder if something like that might actually work.