Monday, January 9, 2012

Hey I'm for Love and I'm for Happiness and I'm for Not Lookin' for Something to Make Us Mad

Or How to Find a Married Guy


My dad told me many things. I’ve probably forgotten more than I remember but he was a pretty basic guy. One thing he said was “pick out good clothes that last and take care of them; things always come back into style.”

It’s taken me some time to realize he was right but I think he was right in many ways. But I’m not talking about clothes today.

You see for several years I thought I was out of style. I drifted well into my thirties, had 2 kids, lost track of what was in style in music and clothing. I was an altogether fuddy-duddy. Now here I am a few years later and I really have not changed but things around me have.

A new blogger commented on my page a few weeks back. Curious, I clicked on her name and saw she had a blog. I started to read her blog and to my surprise she had written an entry about her fantasy to have an affair with a married guy.  Sorry, guys I tried to link to her but her blog was no longer active (darn)!  :(

And there you have my dad’s logic. Old and useless no more – eventually the 20 something ladies decide that it’s cool to fantasize about an old married guy. And of course there are all those other blogs about ladies interested in guys just like me!

As you know this blog is about experience, learning, and the pursuit of self actualization.   So I feel it incumbent upon myself to help steer these ladies in the right direction.

Of course the best direction would be to send and e-mail to ryanbeaumontregularguy@gmail.com and they will be serviced quickly and efficiently with great gusto!. However, I understand not all ladies live in the Greater DC area so I am dedicating an entire blog post on finding, attracting, and catching the elusive and enigmatic American Domestic Married Male.



Finding a Married Guy for Dummies!
This will be in 2 parts:   


Chapter 1 - Finding the Married Male
Chapter 2 – How to Seduce the Married Guy

Of course I know everybody always just goes to the end because they think that is where the sex is so I’m going to start with Chapter 2. Once you read you’ll find that is actually the easy part. Seducing is easy, it’s the catching that is the challenge.

Chapter 2 – How to Seduce a Married Guy

Step 1: Walk up to him and say "Hi."
Step 2: Forget about the fact that he just peed his pants :)
Step 3: Don’t ask him about what he likes. Nobody has asked him this in several years. He won’t know how to respond. You’ll have to take the lead.
Step 4: Compliment Him by getting on his level


Here are some examples: 
*     Wow, you know so much about lawn care, I really find that attractive!
*    You have full coverage with only a $200 deductable on that Honda Odyssey – that is so sexy
*     You’re a 25 handicap – wow, I’ve never met anybody that good; are you going to try out for the Senior tour?
*     I love men who max out 401Ks; ya say your company matches up to 6%, take me NOW!



At this point he will be putty in your hand. Do with him what you wish. Think of him as a puppy dog. Once you feed him, pet him, pick up his poop - he will follow you to the end of the earth! (sigh)



Chapter 1 – Where to Find the American Domestic Married Male

As you can see catching the married male once you have found him is fairly easy. The challenge is finding the married male. You see the American Domestic Married Guy is somewhat like his cousin the male deer (buck). You see enough fawns out there to know bucks exist; Does don’t just screw themselves! But rarely do you see them. All us real guys from Alabama and Wisconsin know you have to go pretty far back up in them thar woods to find a buck. And even then you need salt or Doe piss to coax him out!

The Domestic Married Guy is even more elusive in some ways. You may see the Married Guy out in public occasionally but you may not be able to approach!

For example on any given Saturday you may see him trailing behind his wife at the Supermarket. You may hear his faint call “wow honey, the Giant brand toilet paper is only $0.99/roll!” Then you will hear his female mate’s retort “shut up Ryan and just push the cart, this will go faster if you just do what I say; I have a hair appointment at 2 pm and I’m going to be pissed if I miss it.”

Catching the American Married Guy here will be a big mistake. Even though that Doe may not have even considered fucking him in 6 months she will defend her territory like the Devil just to spite him and YOU! Beware!

No, you will need to be more thoughtful on where to encounter the Domestic Married Guy. You will need to try to think like him and get into his environment. Remember, he isn’t a college guy anymore so you won’t find him at Club Hookup or any other fancy club named after an element like Oxygen or Krypton! And those guys, married or single, at Secrets Cabaret on State Route 40 along the Frontage Road may be a little spooky!

But for Christ sakes don’t think like him too long; thinking like a guy will likely screw you up for life.

So now that we are thinking like a Married Guy, where would we go. And better yet, where can we go and actually catch him and take him home?



OK, so let me make this quick and easy. If you are like Shannon you don’t enjoy hearing me talk so you’ll want it in “bullet points.” Or at least that what she always tells me! :)



Here is a list:
* Golf course is always tops on the list. But beware, you may actually want to go public course here; if you go country club wifey may be in the spa or tennis court. You definetely don’t want an encounter when the female mate is around friends. It’s one thing for her to get embarrased but it will be hell to pay if she is embarrased in front of her friends. Two Stars **


* Your local home repair or hardward store - again I would go small, there are too many things in Lowe’s that will draw in the female mate such as housewares, shudders, etc. If the Domestic Male is on a “honey-do” mission along with the mate this is no good. However, the local hardware store when he is out for his kind of stuff is a great way to catch and seduce him by letting him know you appreciate his interest in carpentry or model airplanes! Three Stars ***


* Auto-shop - and let’s stay with Autozone type places here; don’t go to a car dealership unless it’s a used car lot specializing in muscle cars. The female mate is not likely to go on a new battery/belts & plugs mission. This is a fairly safe zone and you can act helpless here and let him talk about changing oil or maybe even let him change your tires! Before you know it; he’ll be checking under your hood (if you know what I mean)! Four Stars ****


* OK, but there must be one place that nobody but the Domestic Married Guy is going to go. What is the place where nobody wants to be but the Married Guy might have to go in an emergency? And where can you go to lend comfort and support! So here it is - ta da the Sports hernia clinic! You see he may have sacrificed the "family jewels" to "take one for the team" as they say and you will have him where he is feeling uncertain and open to new ideas.  The wife won't want to help; she hasn't seen and certainly not touched those balls in several months.  Sure the doctor can tell him to "turn your head and cough," but wouldn't it be more comforting to be held down there in your adoring hands!  Yes, caress his cojones now and nurse him back to health and you have that (those) puppy dog(s) firmly in tow! 
Five Stars *****

1 comment:

DauntlessD said...

Very funny Ryan! The blend of sarcasm, dark humor and truth was perfect!