But first some housekeeping, so life was again good in mid-September. Sandra and I had “consummated our affair” and everything else was OK as well. Meaning work was good, kids good, my favorite football teams were starting to play better,
Shannon was traveling a lot, and Sandra seemed willing to have sex again or at least see me again after seeing me without cloths.
I did see Sandra the next week at a new place, a quaint out of the way country inn that she had suggested we visit. We had a nice lunch. Toward the end I did mention that I had gotten a reservation at a hotel close by “just in case.” Sandra was very apologetic and said she would be happy to go but she had the “red menace.” I hated that she felt apologetic because I certainly was not upset, I was just glad to spend time with her. After lunch we went for a ride through the area, talked, and just enjoyed the time together. As usual it was mostly her talking about her dogs, antique stores in the area she liked, etc and me listening contentedly.
OK, so now my attempt at segueing to some sort of meaning for the day. So, here’s the segue.
I think a lot of times we put too much pressure on ourselves related to sex. And by that I mean pressure by not having it rather than pressure to have it. Often relationships don’t really begin until you get past it. It’s nice when you just enjoy spending time with someone without having to think about “will it be this time, will it be next time, what do I have to do or say to get her to have sex with me, do I want to have sex with her.” Too much stress, it’s nice to get the 600# gorilla out of the room.
That is a big problem in my marriage now. Shannon and I have painted ourselves into a corner. From her perspective anything I do now is about getting sex. And you know what, it probably is. That’s not what I want it to be, I would love to do something nice and it not be about getting sex. But unfortunately when you allow yourself to build it into this humongous issue it just gets out of proportion. And so you have the paradox of “if we have sex will it just be about sex or will it lead to better intimacy.” Unfortunately like most things in life you don’t know until you try. And how you feel about it is a matter of perspective. If you find that it was just about sex for your partner you could feel slighted that you gave yourself to a selfish person or you could just feel like you just made a great decision that gave you valuable relationship information that will now make you feel better about leaving or at least not having sex anymore with that person. Someone I once know and respect upon finishing a Burger King hamburger said out load “well, that’s one less hamburger I have to eat in my lifetime.” So if you do it and it sucks at least you don’t have to do it again and you know not to go down that road again.
So I guess what I’m saying if your asking yourself to do or not to do you are really going to jump off a waterfall regardless of your choice. Certainly sex with someone new (or someone old and it’s been awhile) is jumping off a waterfall. But delaying is just jumping off another waterfall that just keeps getting bigger the longer you don’t jump. And, in my opinion, delaying the opportunity to spend a great day with someone when sex isn’t going to be on the menu.
Of course I’m not saying you should have sex in any circumstances. If, upon reflection, you are simply not attracted for physical, emotional, or any other reasons then don’t do it just to shut someone up. If you think there is any chance, give them the candid actionable things they need to do to attract you. But if there isn’t anything actionable they can do then make it clear that it ain’t going to happen so that each of you can move forward.
But if it’s a 50/50 type deal take advice from “Shit My Dad Says” - "Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax." A few years from now you’ll probably forget bad sex but don’t cheat yourself out of something that might be good.
Just a different sort of take on things – I’d love to know your perspective!
Anyway, at the end of the day as we parted Sandra and I made plans to meet the following week at the same time but down the road at the hotel rather than the country inn J Stay tuned for that post, I guarantee it won’t be so thoughtful!