#5 It's a Magic Kind of Medicine that No Doctor Could Prescribe

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Another two part post but this time not fantasy just a fond memory from my past.

I don't talk a whole lot about sports in this blog because I could easily go off the deep end and bore you with all my knowledge about stuff you are probably not interested in.  But I will tell you I am an absolute NUT about college football and basketball.  In some ways I can archive my life through the year's by March Madness.  Hmmm... 5th grade in 1978 my all time favorite team won the national championship!  1974, literally my 1st sports memory - David Thompson still one of my all-time favorite athletes (winning in the G)!  6th grade in 1979, yeah I look a bit like Larry Bird (shooting the rock that is) :)  1983, wow what a game and what an upset!  1995, missed the game, I don't know which would have been worse the argument I had with Shannon all night or watching UCLA win (yuck)!  1993, gross - stuck in a hotel room in Southern Georgia to interview for a job I didn't want and two teams I hate :(  2002, Maryland won but my new team made a great run to the Sweet 16 (so much more enjoyable when there is a personal connection)! 2010 watching Duke/Butler while doing elliptical in resort fitness center in Mexico (hey I blogged about that).

Just stick a knife in my heart you arrogant prick!

But in 1992, the greatest college game ever played was played between Duke and Kentucky at the Meadowlands.  Even though the dreaded Pukies won you had to love that game!

And for me I love thinking back on that night.

And yes the subtitle is a rip-off of A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon

It's a Magic Kind of Medicine that No Doctor Could Prescribe
Or A Night in the Life of Ryan Beaumont (on Tobacco Road)

To follow up on a theme I hit on last week, I was e-mailing a fellow blogger last Friday which helped me recall a wonderful memory from my early adulthood just after college.  This recollection was also augmented by my FFF entries from the past two weeks where I have hit on the “coming of age” and “lost opportunity” themes.  This is a memory of a truly fun night that came oh so deliciously close to being one of the greatest nights of my life.  But as Spock once said “after a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.  It is not logical, but it is often true.”  So here is a story from my history.”  And it also celebrates March Madness which of course ends tonight in April!

So our setting is in late March, 1992 on a Saturday night at a frat party in Raleigh, NC.  The backdrop is the NCAA East Regional Championship game between Christian Laettner’s Dreaded Dukies and the University of Kentucky.

now me talking (I would say picture me as River Phoenix but that might be a stretch for him now)…..

I had just finished college the previous August and had started a job in North Carolina a few weeks prior to this particular weekend (yes, I spent a semester finding myself but that would be a different story).  Earlier in the week a friend of mine from college said the frat was going to take a road trip down to Raleigh for the weekend and they were going to “party” with the State and Carolina chapters.  I couldn’t say no to that!

I was a little worried because I really wanted to watch the Duke/Kentucky game that night but I figured there would be a TV around somewhere (yes I am a geek).  So I make the drive over to Raleigh.  Btw, if you have ever been to Raleigh how many damn Jones roads can you have?  I got completely lost between Jones Sausage, Jones Hope, and Buck Jones

 Road, geez!

Anyway I finally found the party right at halftime of the game.  So I got to watch what is probably the best basketball game ever played.  And even though the wrong team won what a beautiful game it was.  It was two great teams playing at the periphery of their abilities and ending on that great full court pass by Grant Hill to Laettner for the buzzer beating shot.  The radio announcer aptly said after the shot “and that’s why they are #1.”

Oh well, luckily the story doesn’t end there!

A few minutes after the game one of my friends, Evan, introduced me to Whitney.  Well, maybe I actually horned in a bit and he introduced me just before I was going to introduce myself.  The truth is Whitney was pretty damn gorgeous and I could tell after about 10 minutes Evan wasn’t going to be able to close the deal so I thought, in the name of team spirit, I should start getting warmed up in the bullpen, lest I was needed later in the game J

Several of us eventually decided to go out to a club the locals knew of.  I quickly navigated/negotiated a ride in the car with Whitney.  As I sat next to her in the car we started to connect on the way to our destination.  Whitney said she was from “Winston” and I worked near so we had some things in common initially.  Btw anyone from Winston-Salem will always just say they are from Winston or from Salem or maybe even Bethabara or any other community in the area but I have never heard anyone say they are from Winston-Salem.

I think Whitney was into preppy guys and that particular night I was dressed a little preppie.  She was a UNC student and if you have been to Chapel Hill you would know that the required uniform of guys is khaki pants and Carolina blue Oxford cloth shirts.  I didn’t exactly have that on but I was wearing a solid white canvass type Ralph Lauren polo jacket and she said “that’s a nice jacket.”  When we got to the club (the name was something like “Lake (something) Boat Club….” but I can’t quite remember) we were going to have to wait in line a bit to get in and it was fairly chilly.  I offered my jacket to Whitney and she gladly accepted and said “you’re sweet” in her sugary Carolina accent!  Yep, I think its time to call Ryan in from the bullpen that curve aught to be "droppin' off the table" tonight in this cool Carolina air!!!

Once inside the club our group settled into an area against a waist high wall (this was an indoor/outdoor club).  Whitney and I sat next to each other on top of the wall, she with my jacket on and me sitting just close enough to be touching shoulders as the music was loud.  The band that was playing was some type of Jimmy Buffet tribute-like band.  Whitney and I did get up a few times to dance.  She was about average height with beautiful light brunette shoulder length hair.  She reminded me of Meredith Salinger.

As an aside ladies, let me tell you there are very few things that are more of a turn on to a guy than a beautiful woman wearing an article of our clothing!

At one point Whitney excused herself and I went to the bar to get the next round of drinks.  After securing drinks we intersected near an area that led to what I guess you could call a smoking area that was a little out of the way.  Luckily nobody was really using the smoking area so there was privacy.  We talked a little and at one point I saw her shiver.  I leaned into her and she leaned back.  In a few moments my right arm was around her waist and just inside the unzipped coat.  We were now chest to chest.  She set her drink down and I set down mine and then lowered my head gently to kiss her.  There was a series of light kisses interchanged with some small talk about something I certainly don’t remember now.  But the kisses grew longer and talk shorter and eventually we were “making out” against the outdoor wall of the club.  She had a tight wool sweater on very similar to the one above and I could feel her chest breathing against mine.  I moved my hand up and gently fondled the outside of her breasts.  She felt so good, tasted so good, and smelled so good – this was unbelievable. 

Unfortunately this was a bar and eventually people meandered into this area.  So I stopped for then, feeling assured that this would continue later……

Sorry, I’m at 2 pages in my Word document and that is my limit lest I be considered a hypocrite.  I will return to this soon! J

Thanks to Mrs H for being my muse on this!

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei



In My Younger Days I was so Bad, Laughin' about All the Fun We've Had

Or the Day After a Night in the Life of Ryan Beaumont (on Tobacco Road)

Here is the continuation of my March Madness post from last Friday.  If you missed part one here it is.

Two posts with Jimmy Buffet lyrics, oh no!  I do like Jimmy but trust me I’m not a Parrot head.  I have seen him live twice, both times at the invite of an interested lady!  I think I said somewhere in this blog that I am very shy and that most of my female encounters have been at the behest of the lady.  J Btw, he is great in concert!

Anyway, as I said this club in Raleigh had a Jimmy Buffet tribute band and they did play my second favorite Jimmy Buffet song from above “One Particular Harbor” and Whitney and I slow danced.  This did have that movie-like feel to it.

But alas in any pack of sorority girls there often seems to be one girl who assigns herself to “prick blocking duty.”  And I was unlucky to have Cruella the evil sorority sister on the watch.  Apparently Cruella didn’t feel Whitney deserved me as much as I did. 

So at some point there was a quick and hurried exit from the bar back to the party.  This time I was not lucky enough to make my way into Cruella’s car.  I had to settle for a ride in my best friend’s car, Unfortunate Dave, whose luck has always been notoriously poor.

So I was at the mercy of Cruella and Unfortunate Dave and that is a recipe fraught with disaster!

And so as we approached the labyrinth of Jones Roads we lost our Chapel Hill girls.  My guess is they made that west bound exit on 40 back to UNC and I was left to a bad night’s sleep on some random couch in Raleigh. L  Sad was our life before the advent of cell phones and IM’ing!

One of my favorite “Gen X” movies is Less Than Zero and there is a scene where Andrew McCarthy and Jamie Gertz (btw another one of my all time celebrity crushes) are searching bar to bar for Robert Downey Jr.  I realized the last time I saw the movie that it would be a completely alien concept to have to do that now.  Why would you look for someone when you can just IM them!

“Well I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.  And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert.  Then I fumbled through my closet for my clothes, and found my cleanest dirty …..”  Oh wait those are the lyrics to a Kris Kristofferson song, but it was how I felt.  But wait, where is my jacket?  Crap, Whitney still had it as we left the bar!

Oh well, I plan on finding out how to contact her and I’m sure I’ll get it back, or better yet let her keep it and have her!

Well quickly I found that Unfortunate Dave and Evan were of no help in trying to find Whitney, for some reason Evan seemed perturbed at even the thought of helping – I wonder why? J

So I limped back to my side of North Carolina and back to work on Monday hoping to find a way to reconnect with Whitney soon.  But soon never came and so Whitney is now just a fond memory to go back to now and then.   But maybe that is best.

Probably the closest to an HNT I'll do

But this does not end sadly, about two weeks later I would meet Natalie under similar circumstances at a bar my work friends and I frequented on certain nights back in my new hometown in another part of the state.  So my first Carolina girl would be Natalie rather than Whitney.  But that as they say is another story……..  And I never got the jacket back.  But a few months later I bought a brown leather bomber jacket with my first work bonus and that would be my “chic magnet” going forward.  J

Or better yet finishing that kiss!

Author's Note:  Whitney and Natalie were my first Carolina girls but certainly not my last.  I formed an unfortunate affinity for Carolina girls in those formative years that continues to ail me to this day!

  Just in case you were wondering my favorite Jimmy Buffet song is “Chanson pour les petite enfants” but that really doesn’t fit into a sex blog!

And that odd chorus to the song:

Ia Ora Te Natura (Nature lives, life to nature)
E Mea Arofa Teie Ao Nei (Have pity for the Earth, Love the Earth)
Ia Ora Te Natura (Nature lives, life to nature)
E Mea Arofa Teie Ao Nei (Have pity for the Earth, Love the Earth)

Apparently Jimmy Buffet wrote the song after looking at Cook’s Bay in Tahiti.  So enjoy the song below, it will take you to a more tranquil place!

#6 We Adore Each Filthy Chore

Ryan's Liner Notes:  This was a two part post so I have included the second post below the first.

So I am always fascinated with paradox/satire (e.g. Catch 22, Catcher in the Rye, Slaughterhouse 5, Ball Four).   I had written a post a month earlier and wondered about a sequal to one of my favorite movies that would involve Ashley Madison.  Then I started to think about fairy tales and what happens when you get everything you ever wanted?  Are you then happy forever?  Do you start wanting other things?

So what would happen if we followed one of those Disney Fairytales to the next day or the next year.  Would Prince Charming and Cinderella still be happy?  Would reality make life difficult just like it does for you and I.  How would they reconcile reality?  Is he/she really Mr/Ms Right or just Mr/Ms Right Now who will turn into Mr/Ms Wrong in 5 years.  We don't do the same things we did 10 years ago, eat the same food, watch the same movies, etc.  So how can we expect to be satisfied with the same life partner year after year unless magically we evolve together in sync.  Wow, that would be the real fairly tale!

A lot of interesting concepts that are made even more interesting when you add a devilish little concept like Ashley Madison!  Wow, married dating, who would have thunk it?

So re-enjoy my twisted little tale! 


We Adore Each Filthy Chore
Ashley Madison Theatre – Enchanted II

For some time I have been thinking about taking a stab at some fiction.  I’ve enjoyed the FFF’s but wanted to come up with a concept on my own.  About 2 months ago I posted the following:

http://regularguygonebad.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-reason-ive-been-waiting-all.html

In that post I speculated a sequel to one of my favorite movies that would involve characters finding and using Ashley Madison after their fairly tale gets a bit old.  So with that thought my warped mind conjured up a series of sequels to some of our favorite fairly tales where let’s just say our characters deviate off course just a bit perhaps allowing themselves to taste that poison apple that is Ashley Madison!

So here is Enchanted II – Giselle Seeks a FWB

The wedding was beautiful and Giselle was the picture of enchantment in the gorgeous gown she designed herself.  She was a bit surprised when Robert chose the Poconos as their honeymoon location but was touched when he said “life with you will be a honeymoon and I want to get started on our life as soon as possible!”  “Oh that Robert” she thought “always so practical.”  But that’s what she loved about him.

Life was wonderful.  Robert was so happy, things were great at work, Morgan finally had the mommy she needed, and of course Giselle was a knockout!  Perhaps a bit timid and reluctant in bed at first but she would learn!

Giselle was delighted at her life as well.  She finally had the real home she always wanted and a husband and daughter who really needed her.  She delighted in sending them off every morning and meeting them at the door as they came home.  Yes, Robert was a bit of a slob and disorganized but it was wonderful to have someone to take care of, to sing to, to love.  And people were actually buying her dresses she never considered that people would seek her talents, would look to her as someone of great consequence!

And so the Philips lived happily ever after (for now)!

Fast forward 5 years……

Robert slammed the phone down after Giselle called and said she couldn’t pick up Morgan from ballet.  “Another meeting with a buyer running late, this Andalusia dresses was just supposed to be a hobby – now it’s a god damn way of life with her, what’s with her!?”

Robert was now representing Brad Pitt in his divorce with Angelina Jolie (who saw that coming); the settlement there alone would be enough for Giselle to never have to work again.  Robert thought he had met his soul mate, a woman who would make a home for him and Morgan and who he could cherish and take care of.  Now he was married to a career!

When Giselle got home she dropped her coat on the chair and then sighed in agony.  My god what an absolute pig!  What type of man lacks the common ability to hang up an article of clothing, place dirty cloths in a washing machine, or simply rinse a dish and load a dishwasher?  I was to be a queen in Andalusia, this pig thinks I am some common service wench, screw him!  People pay me good money to design beautiful clothes for famous people.  Then I come home and this guy who makes money off people's sorrows expects me to make Mac & Cheese and wash his filthy tighty whities?  I didn’t sign up for this!

Robert and Giselle had a roaring argument that night.  Robert would be in heavy negotiations over the Pitt/Jolie divorce and needed Giselle to handle getting Morgan ready for her recital over the next week.  But Giselle dropped the big bomb that she was leaving for Paris next Tuesday.  Apparently Jean Paul Chooblahnik wanted to design his entire fall shoe collect around Giselle’s dresses.  This was the big break she had longed for.  This was a line in the sand!

To Robert’s dismay Giselle boarded her Air France jet for destiny.  She cried when Morgan waved, she would miss the recital – but the Paris collection was also her dream.  The City of Lights was all she dreamed it would be and her dresses were the talk of the show. 

At an after party she met Javier a young Portuguese tennis ace who was intrigued by her.  After her 4^th Cosmopolitan Giselle was very happy and feeling her femininity standing there next to Javier.  Being the object of desire was a feeling she had not had in several years.  Soon she was in Javier’s room.  In the bathroom he grabbed her and kissed her passionately.  Soon her dress was around her ankles and his tongue was between her legs.  He spun her around and soon she was bent over with her hands on the sink.  She was shocked at what was happening.  She had seen forest animals screw like this but had never been on the receiving end.  Robert was so gentle and sweet with his love making, like an afternoon nap tranquil, quiet, peaceful.  Javier’s glistening body was now behind her slapping against her behind in quick rhythm like a tremendous machine.

She felt something in her pelvis.  Was she going to throw up in disgust?  Not hardly, her stomach quickly felt that same exhilaration she felt on her first roller coaster ride as she plunged down 100 feet.  And then there was the gusher she felt between and then down her legs.  She screamed in exhilarating bliss!  The next two hours, once in the middle of the night, and the next morning were a cavalcade of passionate, energetic sex.

There was another after party the next night where Giselle hoped to meet Javier again.  When she didn’t see him she thought she would surprise him in his room.  The door was slightly open and when she walked in she saw two hookers, three super models, and three very masculine male underwear models.  Apparently Giselle was the last thing in Paris that Javier had not screwed other than a few wall sockets!

Giselle cried the whole night.

But the next day was her big show with Chooblahnik, her professional coming out party.

It was a brilliant success.  Giselle returning to New York a fashion star, and Andalusia dresses was on everybody’s lips.  Javier was a distant memory.

But at DeGaulle airport she saw a funny ad that caught her eye “La Vie est Courte, vous devriez avoir une affaire – Ashley Madison.”  She knew a little French and so she googled Ashley Madison a few days later when she was back home.

“My heavens” she thought, people actually sign up to kiss people they are not married to?

Of course after a few days she couldn’t hold off anymore and she signed up.

NoMorePrincess2011

“Not looking for another prince charming”

Age 34

5’4” 115# (fit)

Attached Female Looking for Males

Undecided

Never Smokes

Preferences:   Oh these silly checks!  I want someone who respects who I am and what I do.  No drama!  And pick up after yourself, I’m not your mother.  Oh, and I don’t like apples so don’t try to buy me an apple martini

What Turns Me On:      Up until now I have been turned on when guys save me from trolls, catch me when I fall, or slap me on the rear when they are screwing me in front of a hotel bathroom mirror, just found that one out, lol J

What I am Looking For:  I have a nice guy at home and could have married a prince back home so I’m not looking for nice.  I want someone who will jump off a cliff with me and take me to places I have never been!

to be continued…….


That's How She Knows You Love Her
Ashley Madison Theater - Enchanted II (Giselle Seeks a FWB)

continued....

Giselle signed up for Ashley Madison on a Friday afternoon but then got caught up in another busy weekend of taking care of Robert and Morgan.  By Monday she had hardly remembered her impulsive action.  But late in the afternoon she did remember and thought she would take a look - "I wonder if anyone is out there, a lonely gentleman just looking to find another lost soul out there to sing with and to adore?"

So what do you think she found?  Yep, apparently there were 300+ gentlemen in greater NYC that were in fact looking for NoMorePrincess!

First Giselle thought "what are all of these winks and key requests - I don't have a key to the castle?"

Then she started taking a look at some of those pictures.

"Oh my," she thought, "showing me your winkie is NOT a proper way to introduce oneself to a lady!"

"And these names sleezy, winkie, humpie, suckie.... am I in some perverted fairly tale - Slut Wife and the Seven Horny Dwarves?  I don't know about this Ashley Madison at all!"

But the attention was gratifing and she had an hour to kill before going home so she continued to look now focusing on the few actual thoughtful messages and ignoring winks and private access pictures.

She finally found one that actually looked interesting.  It was:

LawyerUp
"If your looking for a Dr. McDreamy type guy"
6' 175#
Age 39
Attached Male Looking for Females
Undecided
Never Smokes

His note read as follows:

Dear No Princess,

If you like Pina Coladas, getting lost in the rain, if your not into yoga, if you have half a brain..."

Just kidding but if you would like to escape with me to the Dunes of the Cape (or just the Hamptons) I would love to hear more about you!

I enjoyed reading your profile and I would like to have that feeling of jumping off a cliff with someone special!  And no apples :)

Please take a look at my profile and let me know if I can share anything more about myself with you.

Take Care, McD

Giselle thought to herself "this Mr. McDreamy does sound, well dreamy!"

Giselle and her Ashley Madison gentleman corresponded several times the next day on Ashley Madison and then transitioned to her new gmail account.  At first just kind words about how the day was going and that the weather was nice.  But soon they started sharing their erotic fantasies.

McDreamy said:  I want to share passion, not just someone on the receiving end of me, someone who is in rhythm with me, who is willing to lead and to follow and explore where we can collectively go....

Giselle said:  I want to be treated like a lady but a lady that you just can't wait to see; gasping to hold and to ravish and discover every part of....

It sounded like they both wanted the same thing which is to say not the same old thing they were currently getting in their relationships.  So with that they decided to meet at a bistro McDreamy knew of in the Village that would be far enough away from where each worked and lived.

Giselle was excited.  McDreamy said he would be coming from work so he would be in a grey suit with a blue tie.  Giselle said she would have on a tight form fitting yellow dress that would give great contour to her well formed body (and added a very thin black thong underneath)!

As McDreamy walked up to the maitre d' he saw her.  God, she was hot!  Long red hair (strangly just like Giselle), long thin legs (he would like to lick up and down), and what an ass - almost ready to pop out of that dress!  He tapped her on the shoulder and said "my dear princess, it is I ..."

Giselle's heart seized as she heard those words from that familiar voice.  She turned and yes it was Robert!

"Oh Robert!"

"Giselle!"

They both said in tandem "What are you doing here?  Are you (Not Princess/Lawyer Up)?  I don't know what your talking about?  OK, yes I am but......wow you look fabulous!"

And then they laughed.

Inside the restaurant a familiar song was playing... "It was my own lovely lady and she said, 'Oh, it's you,'
then we laughed for a moment, and I said 'I never knew.'"

After lunch Robert and Giselle made love all afternoon, on every piece of furniture, and in every room (except the bed and bedroom)  :)  It was more than just that first time feeling, it was a re-awakening.  And it was wonderful to be re-ignited with someone who they cared for so much!

And they lived happily ever after with perhaps an occasional hiccup!

#7 You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals So Let’s Do Like they Do on the Discovery Channel

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Up to this point everything that I had written on my blog had been biographical or introspective.  This was the first time I just wrote something off the cuff and partly fictional.  And because I'm a "keep it real" kind of guy, (well really I'm just honest about being fairly shallow) I'll tell you just what inspired me to write this.  I tend to get a lot of inspiration at the gym, it is after all where I am most in full-guy mode!

I was at the gym and taking in all the scenery one night.  The song above was playing and I got the idea of a fantasy type post.  I was going to do a fiction fantasy post where Jessie, the cute 20-something little head fitness instructor I love to flirt with, and I have an intimate work out session at the gym after hours.  You see she is very flirty with me and I in turn do whatever she wants (my job crosses paths with hers in some ways).  I have sort of decided that she would make a great next Mrs. Beaumont if I ever have the opportunity.  However she is pretty Christian so I doubt she would actually like a dirty old man like me, but "isn't it pretty to think so."

But then I got to thinking most of my interactions are of the "rumblin', bumblin', stumblin' whoa Nellie" type so that might be somewhat out of character.  So I started thinking funny.  And when I saw an ad for the movie Hall Pass I thought of a fictional conversation I might have with my wife.

After all, I felt it so unfortunate that I couldn't share some of my newfound experiences with my wife.  I was starting to become the person she had been seeking, it was just that I couldn't really admit to how I was becoming that person.  Unique paradox, but you know I always love paradox!

Oh, and this post has one of the highest all time hits - I wonder if the title is an attraction!  :)

You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals So Let’s Do Like they Do on the Discovery Channel

The gym I go to has XM Radio piped in throughout.  In the morning they play 60’s/70’s Classic Rock with a splash of 80’s for us old geezers!  In the evening it’s more contemporary for the younger clientele. I really only work out in the morning occasionally, generally when I have something going on at night.  I also really enjoy watching the back and forth evening tennis match between MSNBC and Fox on the big screens in front of the stair masters.  And there does tend to be a group of cheerleaders from the local college that work out most nights around 6 pm.  Maybe that’s actually why I like working out at night?  At any rate, the other night while working out and watching Chris Mathews (and the cheerleaders) I heard the above song from the Bloodhound Gang and had an epiphany and mentally wrote the story below – tell me what you think of the idea!

Have you heard about this new movie (Hall Pass), what a great idea!

“A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.”

   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480687/

That’s me on the left of course; you can probably see the resemblance to Owen Wilson J Although I think I would find it fairly easy to stay faithful to Christina Applegate!  Ashley Madison should definitely get out ahead of this and get some sponsorship here!

So I have thought of how to combine Ashley Madison and this movie.  You see, Ashley Madison has been so educational for me that I believe it could help in other areas such as my marriage.

How could a cheating website help your marriage, you must be insane!

You see sex for me and Shannon has been on the “down low” for many years.  And to be fair I am more than responsible for that.  Among other things let’s just say that for most of my life I have not exactly been an advocate for oral sex and that has been an issue in our marriage.  But then along came AM and my attitudes have mystically evolved!

First, to explain I have to digress as I often do.  My first sexual experience (freshman in college) was less than satisfying.  I went to college in the same town I grew up.  One weekend my parents were out of town and I was house-sitting as good sons do!  Of course I thought it would be nice to have some friends over.  So some of my high school friends who also went to Hometown State U came over.  One of my female friends from high school brought some of her new friends from her dorm.  I had met one of the friends, Susan, before so we began talking.  She was an interesting person but not particularly attractive to me.  We all drank at my house for awile and then went out to a bar to dance and drink more.  While dancing I noted Susan seemed to be staying close to me.  A slow song came on and we danced and she started sucking my neck.   Hmmm…

Well to make a long story a bit shorter I woke up some hours later in bed at home with Susan giving me a blow job.  Now, I am the ultimate nice guy and since Susan had done this wonderful thing for me I felt obligated to go out with her for some acceptable length of time.  At the time I didn’t know the required relationship time for a blow job but we went out for a few weeks.  Anyway that first experience sort of turned me off of oral sex (both ways for many years).

Now let’s flash forward to 2010 and Ryan is seeking new female relationships through Ashley Madison.  Now one thing I have learned, though not through much practice, is that ladies like oral sex.  So as I begin to meet ladies and as I prepare for that first meeting with Alecia I resolve to be a good oral care giver!  So, being the sports nut, I break down some oral sex game film via soft core porn on Showtime (hey Howard Stern said he does the same thing on Piers Morgan the other night).  I also read Riff Dog’s blog and begin to see in my mind how to best apply this skill to a lucky lady.

Lo and behold on my first time out of the gate I strike gold and am successful, note previous blog where Alecia does orgasm when receiving oral sex from me.  And better yet, I enjoy it!

OK, so how does any of this apply to the movie I mentioned at the top of this blog entry and how it could help a lust-less marriage.  So I am envisioning a dialogue between me and Shannon and it goes like this:

ME:                         Hey Shannon, I have really been thinking and I know you like oral sex and I want to please you, so how about you let me try!

SHANNON:          No way Ryan, you know it would just be too weird now and when a guy doesn’t know what he is doing down there it just tickles and that is a BIG turn off!

ME:                         Shannon, you don’t understand – I have been practicing, and I know I can be good for you!

SHANNON:          What do you mean by practicing!  Don’t tell me you….

ME:                         No no no no, Shannon, it’s not what you think!  I mean, I know we live out in the country but I would never do that to a sheep!

SHANNON:          Oh, OK – I feel better now… sigh.

ME:                         Actually, I have joined this training program created by a website called Ashley Madison and I have graduated from the oral sex program.  See I have a certificate and a seal of approval by their top teacher – Alecia.

SHANNON:          Wow, that’s great, this could be a big turn for us!  Let’s see what you can do!  J

Now doesn’t that sound like a great service!

#8 The Way that You're a Lookin', You Got Me Cookin' and I ain't Talkin' 'bout Etoufee'

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Sorry to be all-pouty here but this post while very fun to write created a lot of disappointment for me.  On an impulse I had written a post a few weeks earlier about making pizza and gave some directions on how to make a Margharita pizza.  That gave me a thought to write an occasional food post and keep it to very simple quick things anyone could do at home.  Kind of like taking Giada and repackaging her into a Target box.  Well, I guess I'm not as hot as her either.

I did a second post about Superbowl food that got 1 comment but I still hadn't put a whole lot of effort in so I wrote that off.

But once I got the idea of food posts I was really angling toward Mardi Gras.  Creole cuisine is probably my favorite and I have spent some time living and working near that part of the country so I was sure I could come up with something interesting.  I worked really hard on putting together information about creole/cajun cuisine, the subtle but distinct differences between some of the most popular dishes, some facts about Mardi Gras including King Cakes, and put together a really good Shrimp 'n Grits recipe.

However, I got ZERO comments and from a hits standpoint it was a bit of a dud as well.  I guess everyone was parting and didn't have time to read :(

I don't think anyone even read down to the funny Cajun' joke at the bottom!  Jesus Ryan do you want some cheese to go with that WHINE?!

Oh well, maybe the second time will be the charm, so here goes.


The Way that You're a Lookin', You Got Me Cookin' and I ain't Talkin' 'bout Etoufee'

Ayeee!  It Mardi Gras tomorrow!  Laissez les bons temps rouler!

A great little cajun’ ditty by George Strait above – “to be with my sweet Adalida, I’d swim the Pontchartrain!”

So speaking about Etoufee, with it being Mardi Gras tomorrow and since I can’t show you my tits  for beads out here in the blogosphere, I’ll just share some cajun’ culinary wisdom with you.  Actually, could I set up an HNT then you could pay me in beads through PayPal?  OK, so the Beaumont blood runs deep southern; in fact I picked this name because it sounded so Southern!  Oh you thought that was actually my real name, oops – forget I said that.  Anyway, I have cooked many a Cajun/creole meal so I have a lot to offer! In fact over the years I believe I have developed a specialty for Southern poor folk food.  Funny how poor folk food finds its way into haute cuisine J

*         Lesson 1:  almost all cajun’ and creole cuisine is based off of a stock flavored by either a Mire Poix (diced onions, carrots, celery) from French cuisine or a derivative and what folks on the Bayou call “The Holy Trinity” which is chopped onions, bell peppers, and celery in a 1:2:3 ratio.  The stock would additionally be flavored with any meat or seafood available and then added to rice, vegetables, etc. to create a gumbo or other dish such as red beans and rice.

*         Lesson 2:  Every good Mardi Gras party needs a King Cake.  A King Cake is decorated with the Mardi Gras colors of the festival of Epiphany (gold, purple, and green).  These colors represent the colors of gold, frankincense, and myrrh which were the gifts the 3 Wise Men gave Jesus (@ Epiphany). Of course Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) is the celebration before the beginning of lent which begins on Ash Wednesday.  This is one final blow-out for Catholics to drink, party, screw, etc just before giving everything up over lent J  A token should be placed in every King Cake symbolizing the Baby Jesus.  Whoever gets the Baby Jesus in their slice is supposed to host the next Mardi Gras party according to lore!  FYI, if anyone wants to see me making a King Cake send me an e-mail and I will give you my AM pass-key, I have it in my private photos (sorry, that was shameful) J

            To make a King Cake take several tubes of Cinnamon roll dough and roll it out as thinly.  Then braid the tubes together (see picture).  Let the dough proof and then bake.  Spread a normal white icing over the top of the cake and sprinkle gold, purple, and green glitter over alternating sections of the cake/braid.

*         Lesson 3:  Blackening spice is a key ingredient in many cajun’ recipies.  It contains several spices but the predominant taste is from the mixture of peppers.  The peppers include white, black, and red (cayenne) pepper – more red if you like it hot!  Additionally add paprika, salt, onion powder, garlic powder, thyme, and oregano.  The spice blend will have a rust color but will turn black on the entrée you add it to once cooked.  Generally you would want to apply the mixture to a thin piece of fish or well pounded chicken so that you can cook at a higher temperature (less time) with the high heat giving the spice blend a crusty texture without overcooking the meat.

*         Lesson 4:  What is the difference between Cajun’ and Creole.  I read once the difference is “nothing and everything!”  Cajun’ is a slurred name for the French Canadians (Acadians) that moved to Louisiana from the Canadian Maritime Provinces.  Creole is derived from a Spanish term and tends to mean “native to the colony” so it represents the melting pot of cultures that developed along the Gulf Coast including French, Spanish, Native American, African American, the West Indies, Central, and South America.  Hence, Creole cuisine is a wonderful blend of the French, Spanish, African, and Native American cuisines.  For example, the spices and the “holy trinity” are derivatives of European cuisine, the seafood was local, and many vegetables such as okra were brought to the New World from Africa.  Cajuns’ tend to live in the county while Creole culture is more cosmopolitan.  Btw, I watched “Interview with A Vampire” last night; Le Stat samples some great Creole ladies in that movie!

http://www.tabasco.com/taste_tent/menu_planning/cajun_vs_creole_cooking.cfm

*         Lesson 5:  Differences between Etouffe, Gumbo, and Jambalaya

Gumbo has a thick soup/chowder consistency from its base or roux (flour & butter) and is then flavored with stock (w/mire poix), vegetables (usually including okra), and any available meat.  Jambalaya is simply a flavored or “dirty rice” and again using whatever meat is available (sausage, seafood, etc) and perhaps a light stock.  Etouffe means smothered and is basically a stew usually including seafood (shrimp or crawfish) and served over rice.  The more popular Creole style Etouffe adds tomatoes giving it the distinctive red color.

*         Lesson 6:  Let’s Cook – An easy Shrimp n’ Grits (serves 4 to 6)

For the Grits:  8 cups of water, 3 cups of stone ground grits, 1 stick unsalted butter, salt & pepper to taste

For the Sauce:  2 tbs vegetable oil, 1½ # andouille sausage, 1 cup diced bacon, 1½ # (21/25 ct) shrimp (pdv, peeled/deveinied), ½ cup chopped/peeled tomatoes, ¼ cup each of finely sliced scallions and green peppers, 4 tsp minced garlic, 4 tsp Cajun-style blackening spice (see above), 1 cup salt free chicken stock, 4 tbs butter, salt & pepper to taste

For Grits:   Bring water to rolling boil and turn down heat, gently wisk in grits.  Keep grits at a simmer.  Add salt, pepper, and butter when grits are completely immersed but before thick.  Keep on simmer until grits are thick and keep on low heat until shrimp and sauce ready to serve.

For Sauce:  Heat oil on high in sauté pan on stove top burner.  Once oil is sizzling, add bacon and sausage and cook until brown and caramelized.  Reduce heat to medium and add shrimp, tomatoes, scallions, peppers, and garlic.  Once ingredients blended completely stir in Cajun blackening spices.  Next, pour in chicken stock and cook for 1 minute.  Add butter and melt into mixture.  Add salt & pepper to taste.

Serve Shrimp over grits and put a Beausoleil CD on!

Note:      I have to admit this recipe actually comes from a Charleston, SC cookbook but it is good.  Btw, Carolina Low-Country is probably my other favorite cuisine, though very similar to Creole.  I’ll put out some Gullah cuisine at a later date.

I hope I don’t offend anyone here but I can’t help leaving before telling a cajun’ joke, so here goes:

• Boudreaux was lying on his death bed. The doctor had already told him that he surely wouldn't live another week. Suddenly, and much to Boudreaux's glee, a wonderful aroma hit Boudreaux like a Gulf Coast Hurricane. He knew that the smell meant one thing - his wife had jes’ made her uh pot of gumbo. Boudreaux wanted a bowl sooo bad, but he was no longer able to walk, so he crawlt’ himself out of bed and into the kitchen. Just as Boudreaux was reaching for the pot, his wife barked out, "Boudreaux! Shame on you! You know ‘dat gumbo is going to be for the funeral."  Ayee!

And let me give a shout out to my favorite restaurant of all time.  If you are ever on the Mississippi Gulf Coast go to Mary Mahoney’s Old French House Restaurant, you’ll never forget it – especially if you meet the owner, Bobby.

http://www.marymahoneys.com/

http://blogs.suntimes.com/hoekstra/2008/02/stuck_in_biloxi_mary_mahoneys.html

And Happy Mardi Gras!

Virginny’s Cool Green Countryside became a Lake of Hell

FOX NEW ALERT:  We Interupt Ryan's Countdown to inform you that Fox News has learned the source of our current Massive HEAT WAVE!

  Friday's Heat Index in DC = 123 degrees, I guess congress IS a boiling cauldron in hell!  That's what you get when you live on top of a swamp!

Just a little info, the lyric above comes from the song The Battle of Bull Run by Johnny Horton.  The 150th anniversary of Bull Run was Thursday, July 21st.  Bull Run or Manassas was the first major battle of the American Civil War.

But on the other end of the spectrum if you want to know what love is all about listen to this!  I do have to give you a tear jerker alert though.

We will return you to our countdown on Monday.  

#9 - Just walk away Renee You Won't See Me Follow You Back Home

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Writing this post was like curling up with a cup of coffee and an old favorite book - the memories like visiting an old friend.  I was writing this as I was rehearsing for the Nutcracker last December so all those memories were right there on hand. 

Additionally, this post was where I seized upon the theme of using music quotes.  My first post title was pulled from the FDR WWII speach - it seemed natural.  Going forward I had intended on using Riff's style as I progressed through various relationships.  However, the lyrics I used for the 3rd and 4th posts seemed natural.  As an aside, as with most bloggers I have changed names for obvious reasons.  I was originally going to use Rachel as the name here.  But somehow while I was fumbling with R names the song Just Walk Away Renee came to me.  As I say in the next post it's special to me and accurately depicts the feeling of unrequited emotions.  So I decided Renee it is and soon after I realized I had stumbled on what I thought was a fairly good theme and have either written for a specific lyric or heard a lyric as I wrote ever sense.

As I was typing these notes I just remembered that the Christmas after our performance Renee gave me an Elvis cookbook as a present.  She may have pulled it from the bargain bin at Books a Million but I know she put thought into it.  That was so satisfying to know someone really treasured making me happy.  TMI had regrets questions this Tuesday - I'm still not sure if I regret not making a move here.  Somewhere in a parallel universe maybe we are together and perfect but then again "the grass is always greener..." as they say.  But on the bright side, maybe I'll put out that Elvis meatloaf recipe as a post one day!

Just walk away Renee You Won't See Me Follow You Back Home

Performing in the ballet turned out to be a blast.  All the adults really bonded and we really enjoyed the rehearsals and the time together.  And although I was petrified dancing onstage we made it through without too many mistakes.  It was also fascinating to get the behind the scenes view of how the production came together and I was amazed at how much effort these kids put into doing a show; they were all true professionals.  And I have to admit it gave a big boost to my confidence and ego and I think my charm meter went up a few ticks as well.  What woman doesn’t like a man who can dance!  As a side note I just finished my third year of performing the Nutcracker this weekend.  It was a real joy to be on stage with both of my girls.  Maybe next year I can move up from “party scene dad” to Droselmeyer.

It turned out that Renee was going through a divorce.  She is very charming and quite attractive.  She grew up throughout the Midwest and even lived in Alaska and has a slight “Minnasewta” accent (you bet).  She is about 5’5”, long dark hair, green eyes, and in great shape.  A bit “earthy,” but in a good way and a hockey mom.  Jennifer Connelly has been my #1 celebrity crush since playing David Bowie’s foil in Labyrinth and Renee looks a bit like her.  We really connected from the start.  I purposefully acted inept at tying my flouncy Victorian ruffle that was part of the costume at each dress rehearsal so that she would do it for me.  I remember how intoxicating it was to have a beautiful woman simply fuss over me; the smell of her perfume up close, and her soft touch as she patted down the ruffle against my chest and adjusted my collar.  And for her I think I came across as very charming.  I did meet her husband and he was very gruff and seemed perpetually angry and was apparently an absentee father.  As you find on AM there are a lot of guys who have no clue as to what they have at home.  I think for her I, in my Nutcracker role, was the antithesis of what she had experienced in her marriage.  Renee is also a bit of a foodie so we had a lot to talk about.  She is also very passionate about “green” issues and I am a good listener.  I think having someone interested in listening to her was a boost to her.

After the performances I was very disappointed that I might not see her as often.  Fortunately it was the holiday season and I took the opportunity to be charming and gave her a miniature herb Christmas tree as a present.  Just enough of a present to be sweet but not so much as to cross a boundary.  She was very happy at the gesture and we exchanged e-mail and phone numbers and agreed to stay in touch.  Over the holidays we did exchange e-mails, e cards, funny YouTube attachments, etc.  When she sent me a text on New Years Eve around midnight wishing me “Happy New Year,” I definitely felt a vibe.  But what to do?

Over the next few weeks we met a few times for coffee.  I went on a business trip to New England and was compelled to bring her back some Organic chocolate and a book I thought she would enjoy, again sweet but not too far.  It felt so good to spend time trying to find something for someone special when I knew the simple thought would be appreciated.  When I returned I dropped the gifts off to the townhouse she was moving into.  Again, I can’t describe the intoxicating feeling of having someone truly delighted by something you do.  My wife (Shannon) tends to be all about the merchandise and is not often impressed by the thought.  She always seems so image conscious and I rarely get it right with her.

So we settled into a routine.  We talked on the phone at least once per week and e-mailed often occasionally sharing a joke or YouTube link we thought was interesting.  I would say we met for lunch or coffee about once per month.  She often did talk about her soon to be X.  I can’t tell you how many times I was on the brink of just saying “how do you know when its time to leave your spouse.”  But I just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Down deep I knew that a relationship with Renee couldn’t just be casual and I was not ready to make a big move in my life.  I think to my credit I didn’t want to add any stress to her life and I didn’t think I needed the stress in mine.  And of course there is always the chance the chance that I was misreading the vibe.  Over my life I believe I have been the perpetual “nice guy.”  A female friend once told me “I was the guy she would date if she was not with the guy she was with.”  That’s me, too often second place – on the PGA tour that would make you a millionaire but with love just out in the cold.  Fortunately, my luck would soon change but that is a different story.

The following summer I did see Renee at a festival with a date and I was struck by the intense jealousy I felt.  I knew then I needed to do something soon.