There are so many words and phrases in our language that are so easily understood even when they are not said literally. When Shannon says "we need to talk" it means I need to listen. When Shannon says "we need to think about doing xxx" it means I need to get to work. Or perhaps even "I was thinking about pricing out the possibility of taking a vacation next month" means we're going! :)
The Tuesday after New Year's Day I went back to work. I was eager to call Sandee but waited until mid-morning (didn't want to seem to anxious). She didn't answer which was not troubling but she did not have her voicemail on, it was just the standard "please leave your number for ###-###-####. " That seemed odd, but I didn't linger on it. I left a brief message saying hello and that I would call later. I did call later in the day just before leaving work and again no answer.
The next day I called with no answer. I sent her a text toward the end of the day just to ask how she was doing and got a reply back within the hour.
"A lot of bad stuff going on right now, can I get back in touch later. Give me a few days. :)"
She also mentioned having lost her phone and having to get a new one which goes to show you never jump to conclusions.
Well, at least she added a smiley face. I knew her husband was a real ass so I assumed there were issues she was dealing with. These are the times to back off in this type of relationship. Being too caring sometimes can simply be received as too pushy. So I just texted back "take your time, let me know if I can help. talk to you soon, R."
I was working the next Sunday and toward the end of the day I decided to text Sandee just to see how she was doing nothing really more than "hi, how are you doing." She didn't text back immediately though.
After I got home I got the following text:
"just sent you an e-mail to explain some things"
Yes I was pretty sure I just got one of those messages that means more than what it says.
Let me digress. I am a pretty level headed person at work. I really do get along with everybody. But one thing my staff knows about me is don't pussy-foot around if you have something to say, say it! I simply can't stand it when people say "I need to talk to you later," and then leave everything blank. In my mind, if you have an issue give me your bullet points and I'll decide if we need to talk and if it needs to be now or later.
But here I was caught. I couldn't run to the computer to check the e-mail (I don't do this stuff at home, it's my rule). And I couldn't text back and say tell me about it. That would be pushy and who knows what this was about; it may be nothing.
So I had to go through the interminable wait until tomorrow morning when I would be able to read her e-mail.
Of course I get to work ASAP the next day and walk straight into my office and open up my "mischief" e-mail and get this.
I just want to give you the short of my long story: I have decided to get a separation. While this is kind of a relief, it is still highly stressful & complicated. So for now, I'm HAVE to focus on getting my act together, I don't want to be dependant on him financially. Plus, he says he's not leaving the house, (it's all about control) so I also have to figure that one out.
Anyways, I'm sorry, but I'm in the horrible company category right now, so I'm going to spare you that, ok??
Take care of yourself, and I'm sure we'll run in to each other again sometime in the future :)
Damn! Total kick to the gut. I have to admit that my first instinct was to write back and say "screw you, after all this?" I also have to admit just feeling hurt by the somewhat "flippant" tone of the note "spare you that, OK?...... take care of yourself, and I'm sure we'll run into each other...." Christ, did I give off an "I don't give a *hit" scent that would make you feel that I would just take that and walk away?
Well, at least she didn't break things off via text! :)
But the thing is I didn't want to do that because quickly I realized how much I didn't want this to end. I also knew that in fact Sandee was being nice. A relationship under this type of environment is trouble. If I was smart I would let her walk away just like I had let Alecia, Keeley, and Sandra walk away. No harm, no foul. Well, if you've been reading this blog you know doing the smart thing is not always my forte!
But patience is so what I did decide to do was nothing, at least for now. Always best to think about it. And of course while I was in the "walk away from it mode" I of course checked out Ashley Madison for some mental egoistic healing, sort of a silent "take that" moment. You know I've got the blog to worry about. My Sandee affair was going to make for some great posts in the coming months but perhaps I was ready to move onto the next chapter.
Except what I found on AM on that Monday was the same women who had been there six months ago, a year ago, even two years ago. Of course some of the names had changed but really even the new girls were the old girls with different shoes so to speak; nothing interested me. And to be fair on AM I was the same guy in different shoes; I found myself not really interested in "ME" on AM anymore either (how's that for something Vonnegutesque). More importantly nothing drew me in and compelled me to write to them immediately. This is bad. I realized I didn't want to look anymore.
Late in the day I wrote this (to Sandee that is).
Hey Sandee,First, I completely understand your situation and you and your family come first in your life.That being said, I would consider it a joy for you to burden me with your horrible company. Of course that is a joke as you are always wonderful company. Remember this, you are a great and lovely person (not to mention fabulously attractive) and deserve to be adored! I really mean that no matter what happens.You have meant a lot to me. You have been a joy to know and made me feel very good about myself. I am not good at judging what people want and I often tend to be a chameleon with relationships often coming on too strong or not strong enough. Meaning I tend to mirror what I think people want from me rather than being myself. I think I have been able to be myself with you.So I will do and support what you wish but I really would like to stay in touch and perhaps continue to see you. No pressure, just coffee, listening, relaxing, no expectations.I went through some old e-mails of your's from last August. You are just too much fun! I think we mirror each other a bit. I think that is why I kept staying in touch and why I want to try to hang on for you now. Not that I'm trying to add stress to your life but because I think we can bring some F.U.N. to one another!I hope you have a good night,For you:I think somewhere you said you like John BJ. Sorry if that comes off as cheesy but I heard this recently and thought of you.Sincerely,Ryan :)
Hopefully that expressed a little bit of heart and soul......