Thursday, August 2, 2012

Retro Summer - the Old Posts: Favorite Humor (again) - Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane

I know I just had a category for favorite humor a few weeks ago but I love humor so I had to pull these posts out as well.  Really that "Favorite Humor" post a few weeks ago really should go into the category of Miscellaneous Rants or Reflection.  You know issues like when it's appropriate to look at a woman's butt are really more philosophical discussions for me.   :)

Today's posts could really go into the category of Ashley Madison humor or spoofs.  So here is my favorite Ashley Madison spoof followed by 2 more.

Retro Summer (Favorite Humor) - Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane
Originally posted on May 17th, 2012

In spite of being a left of center kind of guy I do tend to believe the "free market system" is the best system in the world.  It allows us to be totally concerned with what benefits us most; taking care of ME!

In my professional life I have often been one of those "contracted" workers.  The guys you bring in because you don't want to do the dirty work.  "Bring in Beaumont, he'll clean up the poop for us" they often say.

So coincidentally the other day as I was thinking about summer vacation and travel I happened to come across this article about using social media and airplane seating.  Instantly I got one of those "ah-ha" moments (read here).  You see airlines like KLM and Malaysian Air are now letting you pick the person you sit next to on those long plane rides.

You got to hand it to those Malaysians to come up with the really BIG ideas!   :)

It goes something like this, you "like" Malaysian Air then you can share your Facebook profile and then other people who "like" Malaysian Air can see your profile and then you can decide if you want to sit next to one another.  Sort of like "friending" but at 30,000 feet and for only up to an 2 to 8 hour flight.

What a great idea and just in time for our summer travel season!

OK, so that sounds great in theory; kind of like socialism - let's all just share.  But I know me and when I'm flying I just want an aisle seat and for the person next to me to shut the *uck up and let me read or do the SWA crossword puzzle.  So I'm not really going to care if you crochet, graduated from Cow State U in '75, or have photos of your idiot nephew on your Facebook page.  What I need is REAL "free market" style info that might make me more interested in my "seat-mate" than just snoozing through the flight.

So let's ditch Facebook and bring in a real free market "gunslinger" to run this Social Media service for those airlines.  Someone who can deliver just what we need.  In the immortal words of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney's character in Up in the Air) "I'm like my mom, I discriminate; it's faster."

So I am proposing that Malaysian Air scrap the Facebook plan and go with Ashley Madison to run their "matching" site and deliver what we are REALLY looking for.  I can see it now.

Malaysian Airlines Meet 'n Seat
Powered by Ashley Madison

Flights are Short; Make 'em Worth it!

The Ryanator
"Can You Take Me High Enough"

Age:                                 45
Home Airport:                  IAD
Height:                              6'
Weight:                             175#
Limits:                               Less Talky More Sucky
Status:                               Stand By
Gender:                             Male
Ethnicity:                          White w/a tan
Drinking Habits:               Coffee before 4 pm; then Rolling Rock

Preferences and Encounters I am Open to:

Hey, don't worry, that won't be an underwear bomb I'm trying to detonate.  I'm just playing with myself!  In fact since I'm 45 and not flexible enough for the mile high club in the bathroom; how about a hand job and a 7 and 7.

But lay-off the footsie stuff, I like my leg room!

What Really Turns Me On:

I usually like women with big tits but if we're in coach plz be C cup or smaller!  And yes I'm a Dom so get you're arm off the rest, I like 'em both and no I'm not going to turn down the air!!!  Oh and if you're not eating those peanuts, I'll take them.

I want to look deeply into your eyes and read your soul!  That is if you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!  Otherwise I'll stick to my Kindle; gotta get through Mockingjay before my daughter!  :)  

What I Am Looking For:

I'm not in the mile high club, I've never had a 3-some, and I don't have an Asian girl on my portfolio so let's do it with one of those Stewardesses on the back jumpseat!

My real name in that pilot talk is (Bravo) (Echo) (Alfa) (Uniform) (Mike) (Oscar) (November) (Tango); I just love talking that pilot talk!  Btw, how about we share a vector to the Airport Holiday Inn; they have the best free breakfast in town.  Love those Cinnamon rolls (and the shampoo)!

Member Feedback:

Talks More Than Expected:     3
Spills Drinks:                            4
Shares Peanuts:                         0
Shares Drink Coupons             0
Better in Person:                       0
Snores When Napping:            1
To Much Electronics:               3
Drools While Sleeping             5

Btw, I'm trying to figure out a way to get Ashley Madison to partner with Pinterest because that is apparently where all the chicks are.  Anybody got any ideas???    :)

For A Smile They Can Share the Night
Originally posted September 18th, 2011

Or the Ashley Madison Adventures of a DC Divorce Crasher

This blog is many things.  Some decent music quotes, a few recipes, and few silly tales of a good guy gone bad.  But because I am one of those Insider Washington Elitists who believes the world revolves around that corridor between DC and Boston I feel I owe it to all you folks to bring you stories of vital importance!

So I just want to get out ahead of this story below.

Under that category of "who would have believed it would happen to them" apparently the Salahis of White House party crashing fame are now getting a divorce (see below).

Now this story seems to indicate former Journey guitarist Neil Schon as the culprit for the break-up.  Aparently she has returned to her former occupation of groupie (that was before she was a Redskins cheerleader alternate).

But just to forewarn you if you hear of any mystery NOVA guys Michaele may have met via the internet just turn the TV set off if they say anything about a Ryan Beaumont!  You know how the DC liberal media can skew everything!  :)

But then again, if I have any post down the road about DCPartyCrashHousewifey  you may know where it's coming from.

In fact just the other day I did see the following profile on AM:

"Into crashing backstages now!"
Age:     45
Height:  5'9"
Weight: 127
Appearance:  Fit

Preferences?  Shopping for Jimmy Choos in Chevy Chase (the suburb that is not stealing women's shoes from the SNL star), Bistros in Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria

What Turns Me On?  Aging stadium rock guitarists, the White House queso sauce, me in a Redskin's cheerleader outfit cheering for Chris Cooley.  Looking as good as Michelle (I plan on being bff's with the FLotUS)

What am I Looking for?  Somebody who is an invited guest and better yet the guy the party is for, I'm tired of crashing parties.  Someone who has their own show so I don't have to share the camara with other ladies who think they are hotter than me and talk about my boobs behind my back!  Dan Snyder to move to Dallas.  But really I'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world wanting to take the train to anywhere!

*  Authors Note:  I just had to add the Dan Snyder sentence.  :); Journey Groupie also checked everything except for Cottage Country and drug free!  I guess if you're going to be a rock star groupie you have to make some exception to controlled substances!

He's Walkin' in LA
Originally posted January 11th, 2012

I'd be glad to be walking in sunny SoCal today; although it's not too bad here today.

So I know you're thinking I live a really extravagant life.  Well I hate to burst your bubble but I don't.  In fact most nights when the girls are in bed Shannon drifts off to the computer to do whatever she does and I hop on the couch and watch TV.  From a few blog entries you can probably tell I watch a lot of sports and other worthless stuff.  In fact I'm reminded of that Anchorman Ron Burgundy quote "whatever is on that teleprompter Burgundy will read."  Well in my case "no matter what worthless teams are on Beaumont will watch that college football game."

So it was a few weeks ago that I was watching the Beef O'Brady Bowl between Marshall and Florida International (a real power match-up if there ever was one).  No I didn't make up that bowl game these corporate affairs need no changing; they are hilarious enough on their own e.g. the Poulan Weedeater Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Hyundai Sun Bowl, the Jiffy Lube Congressional Enema Capital Classic (actually that one I made up)   :)

Anyway the bowl game was pretty boring.  It was tied 10-10 until Marshall blocked a punt late in the game to go up by 3.  So I started channel surfing and found Kathy Griffin's latest comedy special from Atlantic City.  I love Kathy Griffin, she is so delightfully tacky!  Kind of what I aspire to be, meaning delightful as I know I'm already tacky!

About half way through the show she starts talking about "her gays."  She says they are always ahead of the curve on style, fashion, and now technology.  She says there is a gay app called Prowlr where you can put out your location and desire on your IPhone, pad, etc. so others close by can meet you.

And then it hit me - where is Ashley Madison on this gig!  I know you can get AM for you mobile phone to get messages but that doesn't really help for instant gradification.   AM needs an app so you can get a GPS to that special lad or lady that wants exactly what you want at that particular moment in time.

So as I thought of this I did as I normally do; I think WWRD.  Don't get it?  That's What Would Riff Do.

So I imagined a day in the life of Riff on AM's mobile app:

7:50 am - stuck in traffic on the 405, looking for someone to give me a hummer in my hummer; and share an HOV lane! #Riff

8:32 am - @ Starbucks getting my half caf w/soy milk/half non-caff w/organic grass feed milk w/guava spritzer at Starbucks at corner of Melrose and Vine.  Anyone want me to dip my love wand in my beverage and use it like a honey stick for your bubble Chi! #Riff

9:22 am - walking into office, meeting with Clay Aikin in 15 mins; do you think we can sign him! Who wants a threesome out there! #Riff

10:39 am - Done with meeting, who wants a quickie under the Hollywood sign #Riff

11:21 am - early lunch @ Spago; who wants fellatio off menu behind the dumpster, we're serving a big helping of my love juice.  #Riff

3:02 pm - leaving work for hollywood gym; ready to be submissive in gym tights!  Who wants to spank my ass while I do Yogalates!  #Riff

4:32 pm - tanning/massage appt at Asian Dolls in East Hollywood; who wants to roll me over for a hand job!  #Riff

5:01 pm - OMG, can't believe I'm working this late!  Only an intern
around here; if they won't take it in the ass from me again will you??

8:00 pm - Back home, ready for Celebrity Wife Swap.  How do I get in
on this!  I bet Michaele Salahi would love me and I did jam with Neal
Schon back in the 80's - we would be perfect!  #Riff

9:59 pm - Still thinking about Celebrity Wife Swap... I wonder what my wife would think of Ozzy?  'Cause I think I'd like to nail Sharon!  I would love to get behind her a yell "ShaaaaaaRON!"  #Riff

10:20 pm - Going to bed, another big day tomorrow!   :)  #Riff

Sorry, I just couldn't go any further into the year without shamelessly brown-nosing Riff!

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