Been Up and Down for You

Or checking boxes

No I'm not talking about checking those Ashley Madison boxes today.  I've been a bit reflective recently which is a rare thing for me unless it involves BBQ or the Redskins or maybe Lynyrd Skynyrd (just joking, I'm not that into Skynyrd - just wanted to see if you were paying attention)!  Given that, I decided to sit down and write the following thoughts.  Well not really, I had planned this post a while back but then I started writing about Shannon again and decided to push it back a little.  I have a few more reflective posts in the queue so to speak in the coming weeks.



Time to fly?  :(

About a month ago I had an employee who got into a little spat with his spouse.  She managed to get him kicked out of the house.  Well really she called the cops on him and a Sheriff's Deputy asked him to leave.  He has some disabilities and I know his story a bit so I was very skeptical that this was in fact a domestic violence issue.  To put it lightly his wife is "bat *hit craza'!"  Well crazy if you consider ownership of 20+ cats correlated to craziness.  Anyway, from what I know she is crazy and I know that he could be easily taken advantage of due to his disabilities so I decided I should help a little more than to just say take a few days off and tell me when you can return.

I won't go into very much detail but one thing really moved me when I was helping him.  He showed me the order for his family court hearing.  I was reading through it to help him make sense of what would be happening and what he would need to do.

And then I saw this particular section that is the basis of this post and seemed so profound in looking at mine or any marriage.

The question asked something like this:

Describe the nature of your current relationship (check all that apply)?

*     Married
*     Dating
*     Living Together
*     In a Sexual Relationship
*    Had Children Together

It hit me immediately.  I was trying to understand the document so I could explain to my employee the legalese.  But immediately I started to think what would I be checking off (for real) if I was filling out this questionnaire about my marriage?

Married?   Yes, that signed contract is still valid for us but I hardly feel married.  To the extent that one can be in a "common law" marriage without marital relations I guess we are married but in a traditional sence certainly not.  And more importantly there is hardly the desire to move ourselves out of the spot we have found ourselves.  Is there concern for one another?  Certainly, we both need one another's paychecks and we would never wish ill upon our children's other parent but in the end aggrevation is a poor way to show concern for someone in your life.

Got to interject here with my favorite Shannon quote.

     Me - "I need you to support me"
     Shannon - "I am supporting you by kicking your ass!"

Ahhhh...., that Shannon; God love her!  Makes me feel like that Harry Mud dude from Star Trek.

Ryan on AM  :)

Ryan at home  :(

 
Dating?     Not hardly, that would mean we would have to be talking to one another without the girls around.  That is too difficult and weird.  Each night she goes her way and I go mine, if I'm lucky!

Living Together?     Yep, we generally do go to sleep under the same roof.  But that is about it.  Well actually even that is debatable as one of us is generally on the road about 2/3 days a week which is of course a blessing.  So really we only live together about 50% of the time when you consider we each go our seperate ways on our free time as well.

In a Sexual Relationship?     I'll pass, enough said.

Had Children Together?     Yes, that is kind of why we are still together even when we really can't check all of the above.  Isn't that often the case.  The last foothold of a marriage is parenthood and in this troubled economy the necessity of two incomes that our consumptive society has somehow deemed necessary.  Divorce may be a relief but it also may mean no more ballet lessons and that trip to Disney.  How then does one walk toward happiness as you walk away from the sad face of a child who may miss out on a dream.

So one full check and two half checks for Ryan and Shannon.

My reflection that I wish to pass onto you today is think about what you would check if someone gave you that questionnaire the Sheriff's Deputy gave my co-worker.  You need to be checking them all off and I'd say if you can't check at least 4 you need to be doing something about your life.

As for my co-worker I hooked him up with a lawyer friend of mine and he got a good ruling from the Family Court Judge.  His wife was able to stay in the house for another 30 days and he moved in with his sister temporarily.  Because the deed to the house was in his name he was able to move back in just recently and she has moved on.  I have to add this because I just had to ask my lawyer friend about the likihood of domestic violence.  He smiled, laughed a bit, and said "his wife is a pretty tough looking gal, I think she is well capable of taking care of herself."  I thought as much.  Not to make light of domestic violence which is of course a dispicable act but I wanted to make sure I was helping someone who truly deserved it.  I think I did.

I've got another funny post I'm working on about my lawyer friend Danny.  Hopefully I'll have that out in a few weeks.  It's about Ryan's take on "couples dating" which of course means I'll take a Three Stooge'esque take on something others would consider sultry or taboo!    :)

TMI Tuesday - She's Right Here Behing the Glass

Thank you to Ms. B for submitting this week’s TMI Tuesday questions.

Celebrity Sex-a-thon!

1. Who is your closest celebrity look-alike? And, who do you think is sexier, you or the celeb?

I like to swim and play with dolphins to!

The comparison I like the best that I do think sticks is Harry Connick.  Sometimes I do get that vacant "why am I here and what is it that we are doing" look as if I'm Warren Beatty.  I don't sing like Harry though so I'd be hard pressed to say I'm as sexy as they are.

2. Who is the hottest male AND female celebrity you can think of? And, if the opportunity presented itself would you have sex with them?

I've mentioned a few times in this blog my all time celebrity crush is Jennifer Connelly.  She is gorgeous, stylish, and comes across as very intelligent.  Since we are in the political season and I'm a real politics dweeb I'll say my other crush is Nora O'Donnell.

Male star?  Hmmm.., have not really thought about it.  How about we go with Harry Connick, he looks a lot like a really good looking fella I know!    :)

3. What celebrity do you fantasize about, but wouldn’t admit it to your friends?

Well I don't really talk about fantasies with friends as I'm a man in my mid-40's and I suppose that would be gross.  Lately I've really been taken with this conservative political analyst on MSNBC S.E. Cupp.  I'm a left of center guy so I guess I would be crossing over with her.  Now that I thinking about conservative women I think I'd be happy with about any of those fine looking ladies over at Fox News!  Except that Michelle Malkin, she's hot but I imagine her bitching about illegal immigrants right as I'm about to cum!   :(

4. Have you ever watched a leaked celebrity sex tape? Who was it or were they and what did you think? What would you have done differently if you were in the video with them?  No, I have not.  I have come across a sex tape before but it was not celebrities and it was not fun to watch.

5. If you are in a relationship, is there anyone your partner knows that you have the ‘hots’ for and they give you the okay to be intimate with? Who would be there’s?  I may have told Shannon but I doubt she was listening nor would be concerned with anything I do not involving purchasing something for her.  My wife has always been pretty open about her attraction to Keanu Reeves.  I could also see her with John Legend (she's always had a taste for musically inclined guys).  She'd probably like Riff Dog for that matter!

6. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would you choose and what would you give them for dessert?  Bill Clinton, he would be fascinating and we would be eating BBQ Ribs (this is a dream right, I know he has gone vegan).  We would be on Beale Street or at Dreamland BBQ (in Tuscaloosa, AL).  We'd have Banana Pudding for dessert.  I guess for a female it would be Nora O'Donnell (my crush from above), she would be interesting to talk to.  Her husband is a DC area foodie like me.

Bonus: If you were offered the million dollar indecent proposal, what would your answer be and why?

I used to have a boss that had a wonderful response to questions like this.  He would have said "son, does a bear *hit in the woods!"  Yeah, so I've done "it" for a partial share of the hotel bill so yes I think I'd do it for a $Mil!  I suppose I could couch that and say depending on who it is but if you did it with her for a $Mil  --------------------------->

You might be able to translate that investment onto doing it with her ------------------------------------------------------------>

————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

I Realized I was Falling Off the Face of Your World

If I'm going to be a Gen X blogger and use music quotes for titles it seems almost required to use a song from the Valley Girl Soundtrack at some point.  Of course I'm "fer sure" not a California Valley Girl however I guess you could consider me a valley boy but around here our tag line would be more like "ya hear" or "howdy ya'll."

"I Melt with You" by Modern English always seems to be the song most associated with that movie but for me this song, "A Million Miles Away," (by the Plimsols) is the best in the movie.  It is the song that is playing in the background during my favorite scene when Nicholas Cage takes his Valley Girl to his favorite Hollyweird club.

Her yoga site

Anyway what the hell does a song from a movie from 1983 have to do with anything I was doing now.  Well that girl, Deborah Foreman, does look a bit like Sandee now that I think about it; Sandee does have that left-coast look even though she is from the Midwest.  Hey did you know Deborah Foreman (the Valley Girl) now teaches yoga? Yeah, you could probably get an appointment with her and see if she can "gag you with a spoon position!"  :)

Well, listening to those lyrics it seems as if the guy is saying he is really into this particular girl but he just can't get his "*hit together" so to speak.  Meaning he's spinning his wheels.  Furthermore, he seems to know that if you can't get his "*hit together" it might mean he'll miss the boat.

For me though things were going great with Sandee as we moved into late May.  As I wrote previously we had consecutive weeks of very enjoyable canoeing trips to our private island.

I had a lot to look forward to as we meandered toward Memorial Day.  Unfortunately as I have written before holidays and affairs don't mix.  I went on my way for Memorial Day toward a blazing hot and over-crowded family park and Sandee went home to visit family.  I was a little nervous.  It seemed every time she went home she came back emboldened to make a big change in her life.  While I wanted her to make the changes that would make her happy the one very real change that was always an option was for her to move home (which would be about 3 hours away).

Right after Memorial Day weekend Sandee came down with a real bad cold that was really more than just a cold but it keep us apart another week+.

We e-mailed and texted over the week to stay in touch.  I was concerned for her.  Toward the end of the week Sandee sent me a note saying that she really needed to talk to me about some thoughts but it was painful to talk.  That didn't sound good.  I told her I could meet her tomorrow if she wanted or she could just send me her thoughts in an e-mail if she preferred.

I guess you have to be careful what you request sometimes.

Ok, Ryan. You said to write down my thoughts, so here they come..  This feels so cheesy

       I think I need to put an end to our secret rendezvous. 

We've had some distance lately, and it's given me time to think about a lot of things. Specifically, I've really gotten away from what I believe in. I don't know how I came to be this person.

My marriage is not exactly fulfilling.  I went down the wrong path, hoping to fill a void that was there. Then You showed up funny, silly and handsome, and made me feel happy and kind of safe, so I was selfish.

You've been wonderful to talk to,  hang out with, and just enjoy feeling relaxed! I  felt like I could call you a friend.  I'm trying to gracefully step out of your life because I care and respect you enough as the genuinely good person that you are.  I think you deserve a little better.

This isn't an easy decision. I will miss hanging out with you more than you know! But my conscience  has been eating away at me. Im just not cut out for this.

Thank you for caring enough to hear me out. Sorry it was so long, and I wish I could verbally have told you this. You deserve more than an email, but I hope I've conveyed some of what I'm feeling in a way that makes sense.

All my best,

Suddenly I felt a Million Miles Away from all that had been so good these past few months.

Oh well, Nicholas Cage has a great line in that Valley Girl bar scene "it's the way we do things that makes the difference."

Unfortunately I was not so such what I should do?

Breaking Away with the Best of Both Worlds

Shannon's Story - The Prequel, Part I

As always if you are new to this blog part I of Shannon's story (my wife) is (here).  These are posts written by me with my best attempt of writing about our life through her voice.  Except today is not part of our life together, it is my best attempt to show you a little about her life before me.  You'll just have to trust that I've learned enough about her through our conversations over the years.

Shannon speaking......

time may change me....

I was just thinking about my life growing up the other day as I was folding cloths in my daughter's room.   As I looked at her walls plastered with cheesy teen heart-throb posters of her new favorite band, One Direction, I was taken back to a vision of my room not so many years ago and my teen heart-throbs Duran Duran.  I guess I could say that Duran Duran actually wrote their lyrics and played instruments but then I would sound like my dad comparing Duran Duran to the Rolling Stones or Creedence Clearwater Revival or any of the bands he followed as a young man.  I laughed at myself.

but you can't trace time - D Bowie

But then I sat down and started thinking about my heart-throbs and that first Duran Duran concert I went to with my friend Jane (escorted by my mom of course).  It was the summer before my sophomore year of high school and everything was just like it is now for my daughter (even though she is just now in middle school).  Looking back that was a great time, a time before everything I wanted to change did.

So thinking of One Direction made me think of Duran Duran and that made me think of some of those first relationships with guys in my high school years.  That summer of my Duran Duran concert I was thinking how exciting it would be to have my first boyfriend.  But of course now I know things were much better when guys were just something to giggle at.  Gosh I hope my daughter can navigate those waters better than I.

I was awkward growing up in middle school, somewhat of a late bloomer.  I was certainly a girl most didn't notice through my freshman year.  But going into my sophomore year I decide to try out for cheerleading.  I remember a few snickers from certain girls as I walked into try-outs that first day.  But what they didn't know is that I had studied dance and taken gymnastics for many years and as always was a bit of a Tom-Boy.  I was more athletic than most of the "popular girls" and our coach was trying to make the team more professional (as she had cheered at State U).  I made the team and when I walked into school that first day I felt a new aura about me.  Not that I had "made it" from a popularity stand-point but that I was someone of accomplishment and to be noticed.

At first all I noticed was in fact being noticed.  I still ate with the same friends at lunch, still went to piano after cheerleading practice, still went out to dinner with my family on Friday night; most things had stayed the same.  I think they stayed the same because in spite of being noticed now I did not send out the signal that it was my mission to date the quarterback.  I can appreciate a guy that is fit but I have always liked the slightly "nerdy" guy that is into literature and music.  I had always hung out with the honors crowd and would continue to do so through high school in and around my various relationships with guys.

Before too long one of the more popular "music guys," Rance, started to notice me.  By music I don't mean marching band, Rance was in a band and that seemed very cool.  Rance was also a senior.  Rance took me to places I had never been before.  While he played rock music in his "garage band," on certain occasions he had country music places he would play solo on open mike nights.  This was all new to me but his range and passion for all forms of music was seductive.

Early on in the relationship he would always just take me home.  We would kiss and then I would go inside.  My parents thought he was such a good guy, if they only knew what lay ahead.  Soon Rance started to press for more.  Rance, who could be so beautiful on stage with a guitar and singing, would turn brusk and forward, almost dictatorial in that instant when he wanted me.  At this point in my life I did not have the confidence I have now.  Now I would have slugged him.  But then I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting what he wanted.  Eventually I decide that perhaps it was me that was wrong and that I should yield to him.  So in a car on some country road I had sex with Rance for the first time.

Our relationship meandered through the spring and summer.  What probably kept the relationship going was that we were both busy.  I didn't always accompany him on his weekend music pilgrimages and often I was tied up with dance or piano.  In hindsight I was probably doing things to keep myself away from him and of course he probably had other girls at those other places he went to when not with me.  But when we were not occupied we did always spend time together.  As time went on the ambiance of him diminished and things always felt forced.  Nothing was romantic anymore it was simply a quest to find a spot to screw and that was a turn off, I wanted more.

I was not sure how I felt when Rance went off to college.  The prospect of dating a "college guy" was intriguing but on the other hand I was anxious to move on.  Then one night Rance surprised me and said he was not going to college and asked me to marry him.  It totally creeped me out.

Rance did go on to college but I think dropped out after his first year.  The relationship quickly drifted away after his proposal and I was glad.

The remainder of high school I enjoyed my balance of being a cheerleader and hanging out with the thin niche of preppie honors guys in my high school.  One guy was Danny, my best friend.  Danny adored me but I always kept him at arms length.  He was brilliant but more like a brother, I could never see myself with him.  I did date Blake, somewhat the leader of this click.  He would become class President and voted Most Likely to Succeed.  He was an all around good guy and everyone knew he would be going places.  Blake and I formed one of those pacts that if neither of us was married by the age of 30 we would marry each other.  Thinking back he was the perfect guy and he is a high profile lawyer back home.  But while he was so very nice and comfortable he could never provide that thrill I experienced with Rance.

What was wrong with me.  I wanted that edge but when I had it, it scared me.  When I had comfort it was boring.  But I didn't worry much as I prepared for college.  I was excited to move away even though State U was only about 1 hour away from home.

to be continued.....

Tonight, We're Not Young

A Gen X Exurber's Peek into Millineal DC Land

Before I get too far into today's post I want to give a shout out to the Gamma Girls at the Doing the District blog.  They threw an awesome 1st Year Anniversary Party at the One Lounge last Wednesday night!  What a group of classy ladies!  It's funny what your first impressions are when you first meet another blogger.  I walked into the room and my first thought upon seeing RWB and Thirsty Ivy is - TALL!  I'm slightly above average at 6 feet but I was looking at these enchanting young ladies eye to eye.  I'm just hoping they were in 4" heels!  Anyway RWB, you were having a "good hair day," so stop stressing!  And it was so fun to meet your entire team.  I remember coming across the Date Me DC blog early in my blogging days and really enjoyed it so it was a thrill to meet Katie.

Is this anyplace for family guy?

Oh wait, it actually was my intent to have today's post be about that Doing the District party.  Well really in hindsight it's about when an old guy like myself takes a peek into the uber-chic (there I go again with that uber prefix) world of young and distinguished Millineals!

I have to admit I was thinking about what this post might become on my drive into DC.  I had visions of making the title "You Walked Into the Party Like You were Walking Onto a Yacht."  You know as if my grand entrance would be like David Geffen's entrance at whatever party Carly Simon was at when she wrote that song.  I know pretty bad.

But by the end of my night after fighting traffic and having been up since 5 am in the morning I remembered this video (displayed below), a parody of that Janelle Monae's famous over-played song and far more apropos.

You see Ryan has a pretty cushie life.  As you may have read I live in those "outer-suburbs" way beyond rush hour traffic, beltways, and Metros.  Sure many people out here have to fight those ridiculous commutes into DC, NOVA, MD, or wherever.  But me, I live and work out here in the boonies so I don't deal with all the big-city stuff too often.  So it's always an experience when I fire up the old Kia-family-mobile and venture inside the Beltway but that doesn't happen too often!

I left in plenty of time even beyond the time it normally takes to get into the city.  All went well as I got near the Beltway.  And then I saw it, traffic!  Shit, this ain't Sunday and I ain't driving to the Smithsonian.  This was full on 5 pm rush hour traffic.  Even going INTO DC it was bad (or at least bad for me).  I started to curse the Gamma girls for scheduling a party after Congress was back in session, don't they know DC is dead in August!  Well at least I had left early.  Navigating DC is not really that bad as every street is either a number, a letter, or a state.  I had directions and my iPhone so in spite of a detour for road construction I made it.

Now if you are familiar with this area you may be now saying to yourself, Ryan, are you an 'effing idiot; you drove into the city?  Why didn't you just get off at the Vienna or Shady Grove station and take the Metro in.  Isn't that One Lounge near the DuPont Circle Station?  Of course you are right, driving into the District is lunacy.  But I had to get back home to my life at a rock hard set time (remember, I ain't supposed to be doing this) so I wanted to be in control of my own destiny.  This is actually not too bad because as long as you are not afraid to fork out $20+ to park for an hour there are plenty of parking garages in the Capital District.  However, as I cruised up New Hampshire Ave I quickly realize this is NW DC, home to trendy enclaves of elegant townhomes and bistros.  Great place to visit and eat but a disaster if one wants to park!  I got to the area of the bar about 15 minutes early and began my quest for parking.  I was delighted to find one quickly, fate was on my side as I pulled in and got out.  Wait!  "Parking reserved for the Embassy of Mali Towing Enforced," I read.  Hmm..., I don't want to start an international crisis with Mali nor do I want my car towed so I best go on my way.  Luckily about 2 blocks up and to the right I found a spot.  I looked around at least 10 times to make sure there were no "towing enforced" signs around then I counted myself lucky and started walking toward the bar.

The bar was only a five minute walk and easily noticed as it is on a diagonal street within sight of Connecticut Ave.  The One Lounge has a very trendy look.  Elegant white exterior, seating al fresco, and one long legged gorgeous blond hostess!  She asked me if I was with a group and then showed me to the room where the party was.  Normally I'm a "fashionable late" kind of guy but my leash was only so long for the night so I arrived right on time at 6:05 pm.  RWB and Thirsty Ivy where right there and were very gracious upon meeting a crusty old blogger like me (I think the intent of the party was young chic/hipster-like bloggers).

Anyway, RWB was very cordial and the gorgeous dark haired waitress showed me a very tempting drink special menu.  The drink of the night was a peachy-cranberry Baybreezey-type drink.  I passed as a had a drive back ahead of me and just went with my stand by Dos Equis.

For the next hour I had a delightful time.  RWB is a fan of college football so we talked about all the big games this weekend.  I met Katie from Date Me DC and many other super-cool bloggers.  I love being around young people.  I know your saying, BS Ryan you were just looking to score with some hot young girl.  Well, if I had more time I'm sure I wouldn't have said no to anyone but really my point is that it is really delightful to be around young energetic people.  I had a conversation with a young lady who is a third year med student at GWU and was simply taken by remembering the excitement one has at that time in your life.

But as the clock got closer to 7 pm, I knew my carriage would soon turn into a pumpkin and I'd better be on my way.  I said my good-byes, Katie (Date Me DC) gave me a hug and I left.  As I walked away I was truly glad I went and had that experience.

I found my car and it was still there (sigh of relief).  I got in and started driving back.

Of course due to one way streets the way to somewhere in a big city is usually not the way back.  I quickly realized I would have to negotiate a new route back.  Hey wait, it's 7 pm why is there still trafic aren't people home by now?  Damn, I live in the sticks.

So now I'm on 24th street and then onto FU street (actually I think it was K street, FU is just what the bus driver said to me when I pulled in front of him).

All the while I'm thinking to myself, you know I didn't work out today and I've been in the car for 3 hours now and I feel bloated and gross.  I could be finishing dinner now, perhaps working in the yard while my kids played, and getting ready to watch the Nats at 7:30 pm.  OMG, am I that over the hill!

Well I did get onto K street and that got me to 66 and that got me out of the district.  I was on a highway.  But damn more traffic.  OK, I have driven this stretch of road many times.  I know if I get to pt A then I have x amount of time to get back home.  I was off my mark by a bit but not out of the rhelm of possibility if I could haul ass once I got outside of the Beltway.

Once past the Beltway and that Boiling Cauldron of Hell know as Tyson's Corner I was able to quicken the pace.  Soon I was back on schedule.  No tractors out at this time night on any of those county roads so pretty soon I knew I was OK.

I pulled into my driveway at exactly 8:55 pm.  Of course my daughter's bike was blocking my entrance to the garage as it almost always is.  I should probably yell at her but she would just give me that sad look with those blue eyes and I'd melt so I guess I won't.  I had to get out and push it to the side so that I could pull in.  I walk in the door and before my first foot gets inside I hear "daddy I need help with my math."  At first I sigh (no hug?) and then I smile, I'm glad I got home in time to help with homework and tuck in for the night.  We finish homework and lights are out by 9:30 pm.  I change and go downstairs and flip on MASN.  Joy, I can still watch the last 3 innings of the Nats.  Lannan had done a great job of replacing Strasburg and now it was up to the bullpen to finish off a sweep of the Mets which they did.

By 11 pm I was in bed and glad I had such a wonderful day.  It is fun for an aging Gen X'er to dip his toes in the waters of "the young life."  But it sure is nice when you can get back home, tuck in the kiddos, and relax on the couch with your baseball game and a cookie!  Maybe that is what they mean by balance, whoever they are!   :)

Thanks Gamma Girls!  Congrats on your 1 year anniversary and best of luck to many posts in your future!  You do such an awesome job of bringing style and distinction to a wonderful (and unfortunately much under appreciated) city!

Photos of this wonderful event are here.  You'll probably notice there are no pictures of an old  dude with a vacant look which means I'm not in any of the photos (which is probably good)!

Btw, if Mali's consulate is a brownstone in NW DC I wonder where Andorra's is located (condo overlooking the Anacostia River perhaps)?

Now have a good laugh to this video!

I Wish I Was Like You, Easily Amused

Yep, that is that Nirvana song that contain the lyrics:

"What else could I say, everyone is gay..."

Oh christ Ryan you've mixed up the Chick-fil-A controversy with your rage about losing lemon pie, you've talked about worrying about the appropriateness of which female blogs to compliment, you even talked about the congressional decision to go back to Styrofoam coffee cups.  With all that silly and worthless commentary on faux controversies what on earth are you likely to talk about now!

OK, here it is - a confession.  This is what these blogs are supposed to be about anyway, right!

So here is my confession - sometimes I think I want to be gay.  There I said it.

Now I have to couch all this and walk it back a bit, I am from DC after all!  You can't be from DC without saying something and then immediately taking it back you know!  To be honest, I think guys are gross.  We are hairy, we have this odd dangly appendage.  We often smell bad.  We can't hold a conversation in a bar without swiveling our head toward the nearest TV with a sporting event on it (even if it's Little League Jai alai).  All in all we are entirely unattractive in my opinion so no I'm not saying I'm physically attracted to guys.  I just want to be gay.

Why can't I be you!   :)

Well not really BE gay, I just want to look gay.  I guess the trendy term would be Metrosexual.

You see New York fashion week is ending up tomorrow and it gave me pause to think about someone I work with, Barry.  He is gay btw.

Now wait, of course you are thinking I'm stereotyping and link fashion to being gay.  Let me say that is not the case I am just linking certain aspirational persons I know who happen to be gay and who are uber-fashionable.  And of course I want to look like and be well spoken like them because in my little mind I think it would help me score with women!   :)

Hint, no Metrosexuality needed here!

Sorry that is how low minded guys think at times.  Don't give me looks, have you ever watched that series How I Met Your Mom?  I love that show.  In one show Barney Stinson (played by Neil Patrick Harris who is gay, btw) who is a known uber-womanizer (sorry I seem to be on an uber-kick today) introduces the gang to his brother who is gay (played by Wayne Brady).  They use the fact that one is gay and one is hetro as a ploy to score with their intentioned objects of desire.  Anyway the whole thing was hilarious when I watched at the gym the other day (taking a break from watching women).  Well not really because I always have a drooling problem whenever I watch that show and see Cobie Smulders (she really uber-does it for me)!  Damn, I LOVE the fact she looks soooo good without make-up!

Anyway, I'm not attracted to Barry in the slightest because at the end of the day he is a guy and I am sure the first thing in the morning he does is scratch his ass while he is peeing just like me.  And that is an entirely unattractive picture.

But the picture I see every day and the picture everyone else sees of Barry is this very chic and trendy guy.

Barry drives a Beemer and he and his partner live on one of those chic and trendy "boutique" farms where you can go pick apples and go through corn mazes.  He dresses immaculately and oh btw has a side career as a touring musician.  He is well spoken.  Everyone enjoys being around Barry, he is always at the center of every meeting or work social engagement.

If I had that gravitas and uber-coolness and used it for purposes of my choosing, I'd be an uber-chic magnet!  Maybe I need to buy a farm and start raising chickens, hmm.....  :)

Good Morning Little School Girl, Can I Come Home with You

Kat's Blog Chain

Back to School

So our topic today is "Back to School."  My story is a bit different but then again I don't always follow directions so well or at least I interpret them to suit my needs.  In my case this is a tale from my college years so in that case there are 2 semesters so back to school can mean Spring semester as much as Fall semester.  This story has to do with Back to School for Spring semester.  Or maybe really an epic New Year's Eve party that lead to a Spring semester "Back to School" romance.  I guess it could serve as a one that got away as well but then again don't most get away in life?

In spite of what Shannon might say I don't actually think I'm overly hubristic or egoistic (at least not according to the wiki definitions I looked up to make sure I wasn't).  But during my graduate school years back in the early 90's I was a bit full of myself.  This was my "golden period" of skirt chasin' if you will.  I met Chelle, Tish, and Jenny during this period of my life.  In late fall of 1990 I started to notice this petite, sassy, yet somewhat demur girl (Bethany) who started hanging out at the frat.  She was kind of perfect for me and I think I was tailor made for her.  I think her daddy was pretty loaded and I know she liked "preppy guys" but she liked them with a bit of an edge; which could accurately be said to be me.  She looked a little like that cute "Keeblerian" (shhh, I stole that term from Wayne and Garth) looking chic from Wall Street Money Never Sleeps.

Anyway, at the time she was going out with one of my fraternity brothers and I was sort of in a relationship with Tish so we stayed at flirtations.  At some point our dance cards became empty.  Bethany dumped my frat bro and Tish and I just parted ways.

Over that particular holiday season (really New Year's Eve) I went on a "road trip" to VA Beach with a few of my friends, one being Unfortunate Dave.  I've mentioned Unfortunate Dave a few times in my blog here and here.  He was the eternal "nice guy but...."  Each semester it seemed like he had a new girl he was crushing on but nothing ever came to fruition for him, he could never close.

Anyway, so we are in VA Beach at one of our Alumni Brother's house for a New Years Eve party.  It was pretty awesome.  He actually lived in Norfolk (or one of those 'peakes or 'mouths) but it's so screwed up down there it's always hard to tell where you are.  Wherever it was he had a house on one of those little inlets off the James.

All of our friends from the Hampton Roads area (as it's called) were there.  Bethany was from that area so she was going to be there as well.  I knew we were both newly single and this was the perfect setting.  It was going to be "game on" if you will; the full Ryan charm program.  But then Unfortunate Dave stepped into the mix.  As we were quietly drinking a beer and looking over the water before the party Dave mentions that he is interested in Bethany. Now I have a moral dilema.  I know there is no way Dave is going to close on Bethany but I also know he is a friend.  I held to Bro Code and said good luck.

However, I did let him know that if he couldn't close the deal that when we got back to school I was moving in.  I felt that balanced my male testosterone driven needs with my respect for "bro code," I'm such a gentleman!

Well, Dave came nowhere close to closing the deal.  I had a blast that night although I didn't get laid.  At least I think I had a blast and I'm pretty sure I didn't get laid.  Well, I know I woke up on the pool table and I assume I had fun let's leave it at that.

So back to Big State U a few weeks later and the first Happy Hour of Spring Semester.  I enter and there is Bethany.  No bro code now; no boyfriends or girlfriends.  It was game on time!

From the start that night Bethany was excited to see me.  She ran up and gave me a big hug and then just kind of lingered; a tell tale sign a girl is interested.  We danced, drank, sang, and just hung out in general.  In fact she even started to irritate me because I couldn't talk to my bros about the Big State U game that upcoming weekend.

But she didn't irritate me when she came with me to the pizza place we generally would gravitate too around 8 pm that was near the frat.  Our night continued to that pizza place and then over to a bar to listen to a band.  Somewhere along the line she drifted away so I did not get a hook-up that weekend but definitely came away with good vibes.

The Ryan look circa 1991

I called her the following Tuesday (hint - I always waited at least 1 obligatory day when I got a phone number and would never call on consecutive days within the first few weeks of an emerging relationship; I was such a guy).  I asked her out to brunch at this go-to place of mine in the area.  It was a  nearby historic resort area overlooking a beautiful lake.  Bethany was excited to go, she had not been before.  This was good balance, a very preppie date (if memory serves me correct I even wore my navy J Crew sweater with my embroidered initials RNB) after seeing that edgy band together the previous weekend.  She had a birthday the next weekend and I got her a good bottle of a local wine and tied some baby's breath to it and left it at her door with a note.  At that point I pretty much had her!  The question was just when and where?

Well "where" just happened to be back to the beginning in Hampton Roads (I'd say VA Beach but I like to be precise and if I remember correctly Bethany actually lived in Hampton).  I know you are saying "I thought only crack dealers lived in Hampton?"  You'd be correct mostly except for some very upscale areas along the various waterfronts.  Now why were we in Hampton?  Ah yes, this was another case of Ryan taking advantage of mommy and daddy being out of town.  Bethany's parents were going to be out of town and they didn't want little brother to throw a big high school kegger so Bethany diligently agreed to come back home to house sit.  Of course that meant that several of our Hampton Roads friends would be trekking back to the requisite college kegger Bethany decided to host instead.  And of course Ryan had volunteered to drive with Bethany back home and co-host the party and do some of his awesome grillin' (always a good benefit of being in a relationship with Ryan).

Well, I could describe the wonderful party overlooking that inlet off the Chesapeake but I'm getting a little long and I've yet to have sex so I better get busy or Kat will be disappointed!

Bottom line is that while Bethany was so very cute and demure she was a real WILDCAT in bed.  Sure we started off missionary as I was still thinking I was with little miss prep although I did notice it didn't take very much to get her out of her cloths once the last guest was gone.  Additionally I did notice her seductive little purr as I probed my tongue into her before moving on top.  But at one point I was starting to cramp in my foot.  I stopped mid-pump, giggled, apologized, and got up on my knees to work out my cramp.  Bethany gave me a sly look and worked her foot up my chest and to my shoulder left foot first, right foot second.  She then pulled me back down to her with her feet and before I knew it I was thrusting into her with her legs around my shoulders.  From there my little preppie girls turned into a real freak-a-zoid.  On my knees with her legs over my shoulders.  In the shower holding her up and perched on that little soap shelf. Dripping wet from behind in front of the bathroom mirror.  Still dripping wet from behing on the bed in front of the mirror.  In front of the window from behind overlooking the Chesapeake at sunset.  Now dry but still naked feeding me grapes while riding on top of me on the couch and watching Northern Exposure.  And finally, the obligatory blow job at a rest stop on the way back to Big State U.  Yes by late Monday night when I got back to Big State U I was a happy but tired man!

Yeah Bethany was a cutie and I really liked her.  I don't think I even know what happened to put her into "the one that got away category."  I assume we just drifted apart.  I graduated at the end of the following summer and was in full trying to get a job mode.  I think she probably just moved onto another  guy.  She is actually one of the few old flames that I have mentioned here that I truly do not know where she is.  I guess I could just sail down the Chesapeake Bay and try to find her back at that ritzy waterfront house.

OH well, lot's of good memories.

Good sex my little school girl, good sex my little school girl
Can I come home and hump with you, can I come home and hump with you
Your mother and your father don't need to know
Not even your little bro

Come be my baby, come be my baby
I buy you a bottle of wine, I buy you a bottle of wine
You don't be my little baby
I ain't gonna buy you a doggone ring

Watch this if you want a thrill!

FFF Fetlock

FFF is back at Ram the Sun Lover's Blog!

"In this life I've seen everything I can see, woman!"

I was just an apprentice jockey, no more than a stable boy.  But back then I had a better chance of riding that big black horse in the stakes than she did, even though she was the true equestrian.  But she had pluck and courage and one damn fine body.  If it took getting the label "the Lady Godiva of Pimlico" to get a ride she would do it.  And that was her plan.  So when she went out to exercise Big Black she went straight from the Paddock to the lake and without a stitch of clothes.

Yeah, she told me about the stunt ahead of time.  I made sure that ELO song was blaring out of the PA throughout the park.  She wanted to make damn sure everyone knew she was coming.



"In a country where the sky touches down on a field
She lay her down to rest in the mornin' sun.

They came a-runnin' just to get a look,
just to feel to touch her long black hair.
They don't give a damn."

Yeah, I thought that song was appropriate although she didn't do any laying down.  But they sure did come running to see her that day.  Once in the lake Big Black reared up his fetlocks just out of the water.  That is the image the paper caught of her that day.

This is the image they caught a few weeks later as "the Lady Godiva of Pimlico" crossed that finish line in first!

"But I...... never seen nothing like you"

Take Me to the River - Part II

"Hold me, squeeze me, love me, tease me....."

So the next week Sandee and I met on a Thursday around 1 pm.  We had plenty of time to do whatever it was that we intended to do.  I brought some snacks and more importantly some prophylactics just in case a rich patron didn't leave any out on that island in the Potomac.  This was great because there was the anticipation but none of the nervousness, we were going to have fun regardless and it felt like an adventure.

Of course things never quite seem to come together perfectly for us.  As we were pulling our canoes out to the launch area Sandee casually mentioned that her son was mountain biking in the area so she had to keep an eye out.  I asked her if she thought he would be thinking about swimming out to a secluded island himself.  She said he was with friends not a "girl" friend so she doubted he would be seeking out the same activities.

That guy is a dead ringer for me!

We shoved off and paddled through the rough water.  This time we didn't turn right into the gentle canal, we headed straight for our island.  This day was much more clear so we made it to the island in short order.  Once there we pulled our boats onto the sand and walked around to the trail into the interior of the island.  We talked a bit, enjoyed the views, and ate our Sabra hummus and pretzel chip snack.

But my hands could not stay off Sandee's gorgeous body for long.  She was again in a tight tank top with tight capri/cargo type pants.  What is particularly sexy about her is that she has a very athletic look from all the time she spends outdoors and active.  She has perfect muscle tone in her arms, shoulders, and calves.  All in all she has just the right tone, ripped but not too much.  After our snack I motioned for her to sit on my lap as I was sitting on a stump.

After a minute of a heavily building kiss our hands gravitated south.  She was inside of my swim trunks moving her hand up and down the length of my shaft and I in turn had negotiated her tight pants and worked my hand between her legs and into her.  She gave me her seductive sigh as I moved my finger deep into her and rubbed inside along her pubic bone and then settled onto rubbing her clit.

I then pulled my hand back to afford her the room to straddle and grind against me.  She plunged her tongue deeper into my mouth.  I liked her forcefulness, she wanted me and was going to take me.

She gently slid off my lap and bent down in front of me now on her knees.  I helped her slip my trunks down and she rubbed my dick and smiled as she said "that's what I wanted."

She then gave me a very gentle and easy blow job.  Again, I admit to not ever really being enomored with blow jobs (I know I'm weird).  But to see and feel Sandee enjoy this was a complete turn-on.

Still I was not real comfortable so I was not sure I would cum.

But then we heard some voices.  We stopped and pulled up pants and pulled down shirts and carefully looked up.  Good news - no sons; bad news - fisherman slowly trolling along seeking that perfect fishing spot near a certain presumed vacant island.

We stopped and just hung in place, nervously laughing at the predicaments we always seem to get in.  But soon we came to the realization that those fishermen could not see us and that it would be really hot if we *ucked each other brains out right there with a pair of fishermen about 20 yards away.

Actually she's the blond!

I laid down in the sand and she sat on top of me and analyzed me, looking me over like a piece of meat.  I liked it.

After a few minutes we realized we did not hear voices anymore.  I looked up and did not see anyone.  That was the que.  Sandy leaned down and kissed me and moved her hand inside my trunks again.  I again helped her slip my trunks off.  Sandee then stood up to allow me to do the same for her, namely slide her pants off.  I then returned to my position on the sand, looking up at Sandee.  Sandee then sat down and mounted me.  We were both pretty wet so she immediately glidded over me with ease.

For a moment I have to admit being aware of the sand that was getting lodged into areas you don't want sand to go.  But this felt too good and I knew we would be finished quickly.

Sandee collapsed into my arms with her gentle sigh and I felt the resulting wetness across my waist.  I was right behind her.

Do you ever get out a pair of shoes about a month after getting back from the beach and realize "damn, there is still sand in here!"  It was good that this was so satisfying because as we stood up I realized I would be picking and brushing sand out of place the proverbial "sun don't shine" for days most likely.

But oh well, nothing ventured nothing gained.  It was certainly worth it.  We paddled back but as we got close Sandee stopped and looked at her phone.  It was a text from her son saying he would be glad to meet her at the dock.  Not good.  Sandee asked me to take an extra lap around the island (just kidding she just said wait a few minutes) and she would shake him off.  After about 20 minutes I saw her waving me to come ashore.  She told him she would meet him at the Wawa for a slushie in a few.  

So we packed up the canoes and had to say quick good-byes.  But what a great adventure.

We had encountered some risk but 

"the odds had been ever in our favor."    :)

Take Me to the River - Part I

"Dip me in the Water...."

Did you happen to catch in my Sandee post about the winter when I said something about a secluded island in the Potomac?

Of course not because I didn't talk about sex in that post so you just skimmed right over it!  OK, I probably would have to, it's OK.

Anyway, all winter Sandee and I had talked about canoeing again.  I really wanted to, my pride was on the line.  But this time I was going to be smart and go wherever Sandee told me.  She had talked about a place on the river that was much more placid than that place below the dam where I took my spill.  More importantly she talked about an island that one could paddle out to.  That sounded like my kind of place or more importantly the type of place I wanted to be with her!

So on a sunny Tuesday we decided to meet at her place on the river to go for a boat ride.

We shoved off in our canoes and turned up river.  The first 50 yards was fine and I was really enjoying the atmosphere.  Sandee looked gorgeous in a bright red tank top.  Sandee is small, about 5'4" and maybe around 120#'s but she has a great figure.  And her long blond hair was beautiful in that spring breeze.

As we paddled up-stream we did go past some rocks.  These rocks did create a little current in the river and I had to paddle a little more rapidly and forcefully to go forward.  As I was doing this I wobbled a bit.  I thought for certain I was going to go down again.  But this time I didn't try to over-compensate and worked with the current.  It was only about 20 yards before we got through this more challenging area (at least for me).

Past this we took a right turn down a gentle canal which is where a little creek runs into the Potomac.  We paddled down this canal and enjoyed the breeze and the flowers that were starting to bloom on the banks.  Yellow is Sandee's favorite color and there were a few Black-Eyed Susans poking their heads out.  After about 30 minutes Sandee paddled over to a secluded bank for a break.  I had brought some PBJ's and some water so we had a snack and just relaxed.  Of course there was some kissing involved as well.

The challenge was that while this was very peaceful it was not completely secluded as we had some neighbors, a delightful older couple romantically fishing about about 30 yards away.  I'm slightly compelled to do a faux post now about Ashley Madison and Hillbilly Handfishin' but I'm feeling a bit lazy so I'll have to put that on my ever expanding "to do" list for the future!   :)

At this point I brought up "the island."  I had just been following Sandee and we had not discussed it.  She said it was just past the canal.  She asked if I had time?  I looked at my phone and it was about 3:30 pm now.  I had some time but not a lot.  But I knew I wanted to see this place, scope it out, and decide if this was a place for a romantic encounter that would be decidedly "bloggable!"  Just kidding, though I really did want to see it.  It sounded very interesting and if I got laid out of the mission - all the better!

So we paddled back down the canal and turned right at the Potomac.  The island was maybe 200 yards up-river.  It was fairly windy that day so one did have to work pretty hard to get up-stream.  We made it though and parked our canoes on the banks and Sandee led me around the island to a trail that led to the interior.  The island was small, maybe about a half acre.  What was perfect though is that it was tree lined around the exterior but the interior was fairly clear and had the "tell tale" signs as a place kids go to campout (and screw) as there were some fire pits and a few empty beer cans around.  There was a tire swing and a rope swing that could go out over the river.   We poked fun at each other joking that a killer tribute from the Hunger Games was behind some bush ready to jump out at us and could we survive out here if we were hiding from the Capital Peacekeepers!   :)

All in all a wonderful place that Huck Finn would have been proud of.  Btw, Huck Finn is one of my all time favorite books along with Catcher in the Rye (I guess I feel a certain affinity with Huck and Holden).  Oh wait, I don't read so that must be BS!  Anyway, I certainly did feel at home.

The challenge was that it was now close to 4:30 pm and we had about a 30 minute paddle back to our car, I was about an hour from work and the gym to change, and pick-up for daughters was in about 2 hours.  Time to kiss and enjoy the breeze for a few more minutes but not enough time for, well - you know!

I thought to myself, this story screams for a part II.  So we left and decided that we would come back as soon as possible.

to be continued......