Oh, But I'm tired of Holding on to a Feeling I know is Gone

A common question to illustrate music preference is to ask what album or what 5 songs would you wish to have if stranded on a desert island.  This song by REO Speedwagon would be one of mine.  From a lyrical standpoint they tell great stories while musically they fuse basic rock with an almost gospel quality (like that organ at the end of “Keep the Fire Burining”).  Because I grew up listening to a lot of country, bluegrass, and gospel I like the fusion of rock with these genres.  Some other songs I might take to a desert island might include Interstate Love Song by the Stone Temple Pilots, Blackbird by the Beatles, Driver 8 by REM, Train in Vain by the Clash and perhaps something by Dusty Springfield and Gordon Lightfoot, I think that runs the spectrum pretty well.

Before I go any further perhaps I should retrace my steps a bit and give you a little more of why I am here.  In my forth blog entry (The Long and Winding Road) I did express what specific occurrences initiated my foray into Ashley Madison but did not discuss some of my emotional motivations.  Just prior to going on our Mexico vacation my wife (Shannon) and I gave up on our 3^rd round of marriage counseling.  For me, as I said in a previous blog entry, I began seeing myself differently.  There is a country song that says “I want to see the mountains in your eyes.”  When I saw myself through Renee’s eyes I saw someone attractive both mentally and physically, someone that the right woman would find attractive.  When I am with Shannon I am not a good person because I am living under her gaze and thus her impression of me.  In the movie “The Story of Us” Michelle Pheiffer says “this is me with you.”  In short, Shannon has and I guess will always see me as Ryan version Y2K and including previous Pentium versions.  Renee and subsequently Alecia and others have the freedom to see me as Ryan version Y2K.10+.  In trying to find someone through AM I guess I was hoping to either validate Shannon’s opinion of me, and thus conclude I was in fact a jerk, or find someone that might find a great person inside of me.  Maybe I was just John Cusack saying “I am looking for a dare to be great situation.”  By the way, why do I always express myself through quotes?  I guess because I don’t have a whole lot of relevant things to say or at least have trouble articulating in my words. J

And what am I trying to accomplish in a blog.  I decided to write a blog about 2 months ago and had probably the first 6 entries written in my head.  When I started, the writing just poured out, I have been writing ahead by about 3 entries in a Word document.  I think it is a way to fondly remember the evolution (or devolution) of this fairly good and certainly normal guy as he enters this different world and just laugh at myself.  If anyone is a college football fan and has listened to Keith Jackson announce a game I am hearing him call my blog with his trademark saying “rumblin,’ bumblin,’ stumblin’, whoa Nellie’!”  The other very illuminating thing that has occurred is reading so many other blogs with people in very similar circumstances or at least people finding themselves through their blogs.  And the few responses to my blog have been a big kick.  Of course I did say my one regret is that I didn’t try journalism as a career.  I minored in English in college and was a sports writer for my college newspaper.  I even have some book storylines written in my head that maybe I will write down some day.  So I wanted to recount my tale from the beginning with all my silly acts and as I come to various revelations.  I assure you the man I am now is certainly different than the person I was back last May.  My thought is that I am a bit better but perhaps if you read and comment you can let me know if that is correct.

Btw, I don’t want to make any of my entries a diatribe on Shannon she is a wonderful person in the right circumstances.  She is talented, creative, and very engaging and a good mother.  She is beautiful with shoulder length Auburn hair and what I call “stormy eyes.”  They are blue-grey similar to the sky before a storm.  And by stormy I mean they mirror her often “stormy” temper.

As this is to likely be my last blog entry before the holidays for anyone who might read this Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

So I will leave you with that REO Speedwagon Song I mentioned above:

"I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

[Refrain)
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly

Oh, don't you know it's...
[Refrain]

It's time for me to fly