Scary Monsters, and Super Creeps!

I don't travel for a living but I am proud that I have traveled a lot in my life and lived in different parts of the country.  I am almost never intimidated or feel uncomfortable by being in a different big city. I've driven in Manhattan and downtown Chicago and DC.  I've been to places like St. Augustine, FL and New Orleans that seem as if they are foreign countries.  Heck, I've been to foreign countries and places that don't speak English regularly like Montreal.

But one place just never quite seems comfortable.  It's not that it's a bad place because I love to visit - it is in fact an amazing place.  The inhabitant's faces look just like mine and even speak my language (sometimes).  But stepping off the plane in this one particular place doesn't feel like I'm walking into a foreign country.

No, whenever I'm here I feel like I'm having a Neil Armstrong moment.  "One small step for Ryan, one small step onto Planet California!"  Yeah, California is part of the United States but whenever I'm here it really does feel like a different planet.  So join me on -

Ryan's Scary California Adventure!

First of all let's take a look at the inhabitants of Planet California, seeing as I love to people watch.

*     Professional dress in California apparently is jeans that aren't ripped and a collard shirt.  Oh wait, simple professional means that shirt is not tucked in; tucked in would probably only be for formal business occasions like meeting with your plastic surgeon or pet aroma-therapist!  Business casual appears to be sandals and a "clean" surfing shirt.

*     Obviously there are a lot of great looking women out here.  In fact everyone looks healthy.  I think the thing that sets California apart is that the women in their 40's and 50's are still looking like sorority girls.  Back East around the age of 32 women's hair automatically reduces into a cute "mom-bob" or at most one of those "Jennifer Anniston shoulder length deals."  In Cali I see women who I assume are well into their 40's or even 50's and 60's dressed in tight yoga pants and with platinum blond hair that is perfectly curled and coiffured and hangs down half way from their shoulders to their perfectly zumba'ized ass!  I'm glad there is still a place where people are so self absorbed that they only have time for their hair, toning their ass, and getting a perfect tan!  I think Ronald Reagan said something about that once or was he cautioning us about socialized medicine, IDK?   :)

*     Did I mention everyone is too damned happy out here!  I'm happy most of the time as well but on the East Coast I feel I need a healthy daily dose of stress.  I'm reminded of Captain Kirk's quote to Spock's hippie brother in Star Trek III or XII (one of those) when he said "I need my pain, my pain makes me part of who I am!"  I don't know call me skeptical but anyone who smiles while going through airport security is either nuts, possessed with the Devil, or lives in California I guess.

That ass was in the Cali Screaming line!

*     Wow, Fox news likes to say one of those I states (Indiana or Idaho, not sure which) is the real America but out here?  This is the real melting pots.  Meet the Smiths in California and dad is Asian, mom is part Hispanic and Indo-Asian with Italian ancestry, and they apparently have adopted one kid from Africa and one from Ireland.  Actually, I have no clue where the kids are from I'm just looking at mom's Kim Kardashian ass with Angelina Jolia cheekbones - 'effin HOT!  I like it.

*     In my part of the world we have 4 seasons.  Summer is in July, fall in October, winter in January, and Spring in April.  Out here winter last until about 9 am in the morning (which they call 6 am in California; yes I'm still on east coast time), summer is at 2 pm, and then it goes back to winter around 9 pm (which we call Midnight on the East coast).  Yeah, I'm always totally *ucked up out here until the day I fly back and then I'm *ucked up back home for 3 more days!  But it is fun.

Awesome ride!

Oh well we did get over the Disney the other day.  I love California Adventure.  If you get out here Cars Land is a MUST!  LOVE it!  And I'm not a roller coaster guy but California Screaming is an awesome ride.  Although I was sure I was going to have to go K-Mart shopping during the ride (get it,? you know, "ship my pants")!  :)

Btw, I once said the Dole Whip float in Adventureland is the next best thing to sex.  And I found out it is, because I had to wait 40 minutes in line and pay outrageous amounts of cash to get some but once I started licking and sucking it down my suddenly liquidity aroused throat, I was delighted to have it.  And also btw that is closest thing I'll be getting to sex out here as Shannon is still way chillier!

Anyway, it was a scary adventure out here, but fun.  I also learned that if there are ghosts they are the imprints of souls that have adhered to a specific place over time, lingering over the years yet unable to communicate with those that are moving through time past their space.  In that they are like images on a projector that we may glimpse for a moment but will never speak to and similarly to them we, in the living world, may well be animated images moving past their space and time.  And yet I have hopes that those ghost as they float in the mist of time encounter other ghosts to move forward with.  This has been a weird few days and I have felt like a ghost or perhaps seen ghosts.  As Halloween approaches I have in this past day been haunted by the ghosts of my past as I have perhaps haunted them walking down the halls of this conference facility.  And yet as I have walked past the ghosts (or humans) of my past, this ghost has latched onto new ghosts (or humans) to network with and move forward with in my time.

I know that makes no sense and furthermore I never write off the cuff on impulse.  But that is where I am today.

"When I looked in her eyes they were blue but nobody home.
She could have been a killer if she didn't walk the way she do
and she do.
She opened strange doors
that we'd never close again."

More to come on my California Adventure.  Surely it is worth one of my bi-annual Disney food posts although it may not come for a few months.

But for now enjoy some Scary Monsters with David Bowie and

Happy Halloween!

FFF - Be Careful What You Wish For

It's Hallo-FFF'ing-ween So Get to Over to Ad's Page and Get to Haunting!

They say "be careful what you wish for;" it's true!

I loved her, I really did.  I believe that Eva was the only woman who could have ever make me happy.  She was so beautiful, a truly sweet person and a gorgeous body that was spectacularly delicious!  Her only fault was that she was absolutely a "dead fuck!"  I got more passion from training dummies I gave CPR to back in Med School at Hopkins.

For me that was a problem.  You see I love sex and need it daily.  As beautiful and sweet as Eva was, she would never be that sensual woman for me.

But after taking our vows things were OK for some time.  I pretended that it was normal to be frustrated and just needed to be happy with the sweet comfortable occasional sex we did have.  But at work those nurses were so hot and tempting; they wanted me, all I had to do was yield.  And yield I inevitably did. What guy is going to resist a smoking hot BJ in the ER supply room from a women who truly enjoys her craft.  That first misstep led to many new encounters.  Eventually a pair of panties in my gym bag sunk my ship.  Eva was devastated and thrown into depression.  But instead of dealing with reality we decided I was a sex addict that needed therapy.

Therapy worked for awhile because I did love her and wanted to be the faithful husband she thought she had married.  But when I got my own practice those Pharmaceutical Reps started coming by.  Jesus, do they only hire the sorority girls with the biggest tits to sell Xanex?  And of course there was always an invitation to lunch.  

So the next affair started with Laney, the super hot Pfizer rep.  Laney was so cool and confident and would mount me like an obstacle course.  Being with her was a sexual boot camp that left me blown-away, addicted for more of the medicinal healing she proffered.

My undoing this time was when Eva realized Thursday afternoons were no longer spent at Congressional.  She tracked me one day and discovered my real Thursday afternoon forays.

The site of seeing her break down in that hotel lobby crushed me; her aura still melted my heart.  To see someone you care for fall apart at your doing is heart-wrenching.   A doc buddy of mine got her into Sheppard Pratt for some time and when she got back I thought we could move forward.  I tried to dive into work and worked out my frustrations on the links.  Things were again better for a little while.  We even talked about starting a family, surely that would be the prescription we needed to heal.

But eventually another woman found me as they always seemed to do.  She was the daughter of one of my old Med School profs.  We met at a charity golf outing.  First she just wanted some help on her back swing and short game and I obliged.  But the short game turned into a steaming affair.

Her youth and spirit and the way her body moved with mine was hypnotic and I was prisoner to her passionate exploration.  I knew I was just her "older guy" life affirmation and discovery but that made her even more appealing; I could not get enough of her body next to mine.

I rationalized that Eva was still mentally healing and that this thing would be over quickly and I would be then ready to move forward with my wife.

Then one nightfall on Halloween she discovered my weakness once again.  Deep in the midst of passion the door opened and there stood Eva.  At the sight her pretty head fell forward into her hands.  She shrieked and the turned and ran away.  Seconds later I heard an engine roar and the squeal of wheels pulling away quickly. 

I dressed promptly and took off after her not knowing where to go.  I only found a note when I arrived at home "I've gone to where we began perhaps if I start over I can end this pain....."

It hit me that she must have gone to Great Falls, site of one of our first dates and one of "our spots" so to speak.  I drove quickly through the night to get to her.

When I arrived I ran to the overlook and saw her shadowy figure standing on the rail.  Her angelic figure was brilliant as the moon-light cascaded and danced about her soft beautiful body.

I called to her "Eva don't do this; believe me I love you dear.... please give me one more chance, my darling!"

She turned to me and smiled.  "Adam, my love, you came for me; I knew you would.  You are my true and only love.  But you will never let me have you to myself and for that I cannot live happily."

She raised her arm and now in the moonlight I saw the glittering cold steel of a revolver clinched firmly in her hands.

I shouted "no my dear, please...."

But it was too late.  A brilliant light projected from that instrument at her hand followed quickly by a thunderous ear-shattering clap.

I was immediately blinded, falling as I reached out to save her from herself.

It seemed as if an eternity passed and I awoke abruptly, gasping for breath.  As my eyes began to focus I immediately was delighted with the image of Eva above me smiling down on me, her tender hands gracefully petting my hair as she hummed "Adam my love never worry, I will be yours for eternity."

I smiled, "she's alive; oh yes, she is alive, my dearest is still with me," I thought to myself.  I felt a pulsing warmth course over my body as I looked into those beautiful eyes.  I tried to rise up and tell her "I love you."  But my nerves could not translate my thoughts of love into words across my lips.  I now found myself short of breath and yet simultaneously at peace as her image shimmered and faded above me.  And I felt the greatest ecstasy of love I've ever felt as a blissful sleep then fell upon me there in Eva's lovely arms.

You know it's not that bad here.  You get plenty of rest, no stress, and thank God I'll never ever have to fill out any more insurance paperwork or FMLA forms.  And she visits me at nightfall each Halloween and often at other special times.  It's funny, in my past life I could never satisfy myself with just one woman and her timidity kept me on the prowl.  Yet on that night it was as if my soul transposed with hers and changed my shy Eva into an erotic sexual animal.  Now, on those cold nights when she visits "her eternal love," her naked body is all I need to be satisfied as she mounts me from above and makes love to my eternal soul.

"she visits my grave when the night winds wail.

Nobody knows, nobody sees; nobody knows but me..."

from "The Long Black Veil" often performed by Johnny Cash