"Come in," she said, "I'll give you, shelter from the storm"

'twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood

It's hard to believe that five years ago I sat in front of a TV and watched an interview and heard about her.  The next morning I pulled up the internet at work and searched and found her.  She was inviting.  She promised much and what she promised was a sin and yet with smiling enabling faces, concerned with my plight, it did not seem so bad.  After all, if you are both married and don't want to change anyone's life is it really all that bad?  In a given state it is, of course, so easy to say no.

The fact was that while life at the time was tranquil I had come through toil.  Five years earlier I had failed miserably at work and my career seemingly had come to a screeching halt.  An opportunity back East fell on my lap at the exact moment I was about to go over the cliff and in a moment I escaped.  But I couldn't escape the wrath of a fallen marriage.  As we moved East Shannon's interests stayed in the Mid-West with her new found affair.  The first years here were more a rebirth and then a slow "awakening" into what I would say was a very family-centric part of my life.  Of course family-centric had nothing to do with marriage.  Marriage at this point had come to be a convenient "parenting-partnership."  She went her way, I went mine.  I delighted in being a part of my daughter's upbringing.  Ballet lessons and family night at Chick-fil-A were what filled my life with meaning.  The odd paradox is that the missing part was Shannon when she was on the road and rarely did I miss her.  For it was those times when I was at peace and life was no longer toil and blood.  And there I stayed treading water and feeling happy that I had found shelter from the storm.

I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form

Years move on though and one day family night at Chic-fil-A with daddy is not the high point of the week for a little girl.  As I began to look at myself I saw that I was "a creature void of form."  I was ******'s-dad and not much more.  Sure work was great.  But the peacefulness of five years before was now becoming a bit boring.  I had accomplished much.  I could stay here forever and peddle at a comfortable speed.  But unfortunately I was never made of that stuff.  I'm not one to tread water and be satisfied.  I started to seek more.

At first it was just the gym.  Soon something that I didn't realize was empty I found joy in refilling, myself.  I took it slow but in those early months at the gym that "creature void of form" started to feel like it wanted to be wanted not as the home-room dad but as a man.  I knew what it was like to be out in the storm and didn't want to go back and yet I wondered if there were other shelters from the storm.

She walked up to me so gracefully and took my crown of thorns

Shannon would smile with scorn at the line above, she always chastises me for playing the victim and martyr.  And yet on the that morning staring at the computer screen she did walk up to me so gracefully and in that moment I did feel as if I needed to be more than ******'s-dad, more than the home-room dad.  Maybe wanting something for myself was not such an awful thing.  Maybe I had paid the price.  Maybe now it should be my time.  Maybe it was not so much the shelter from the storm I sought as much as it was a voice simply and sweetly stating "come in (she said), I'll give you...."

Just to think that it all began on a long-forgotten morn

Now its five year later and there are so many messages I can't nearly remember them all.  She's introduced me to several ladies and in the oddest paradox allowed me to meet perhaps the most special person I've ever known.  I have written before that I enjoy a good paradox.  A favorite line in one of my favorite movies, the Shawshank Redemption, is when Andy Dufresne states "it took coming to prison for me to learn how to be a crook."  It is certainly true that it took coming to her for me to learn how to be a cheater.  But more than that it took coming to her to learn that I am monogamous.  Sure I enjoy looking and I love to feel appreciated.  But honestly if I could just be happy and connected to one person I'd call it quits.  She has driven me to try even harder with Shannon and she has also allowed me to be at peace with that continued failure.  I suspect she will help me live with that failure or be at peace if and when I walk out the door.  Yes, there have been many storms over the past decade but in the past five she has very much been a "shelter from the storm."

And if I pass this way again, you can rest assured; I'll always do my best for her, on that I give my word.

This has been a great learning experience.  In meeting women, winning them over, losing them, sometimes meeting them again I truly believe I've become a better person.  I'm better at work, I'm a better father, I'm happier, I'm more outgoing, I'm more joyful, I've got more to say and yet I say it with more brevity and humility.  The last five years have been big for me, a lot of accomplishment.  Now I sit in front of my work computer in a new office and with a new title I would never have dared to dream I would possess five year before the day I met her.

A lot has been said of her good and bad.  I don't spend much time with her anymore and one day soon I'm sure I'll see her for the last time.  But I have no qualms with her, she has done right by me, giving  me that temporary shelter from the storms of my life.

"if I could only turn back the clock to when God and her were born.."

I have never been a turn back the clock type of person.  As our therapist (with Shannon) said of me I am comfortable in my skin.  So if you are reading this and are thinking about walking along the same path I have just know this:  she is shelter from the storm but in all of her beauty that is all she is.  You can come out of the rain a bit and find warmth, get dry, and regain your strength.  But in time you must leave her.  Let's hope that her "shelter from the storm" will have reinvigorated you to embrace and persevere through the next storm and onto the tranquil shore we all hope to find some day.

"do I understand your question man is it hopeless and forlorn?"

The answer is no, it is not hopeless but just understand that while she can be good to you in the end she is in fact just and only "shelter from the storm."


"And the one eyed undertaker, he blows a futile horn..."

Well that just doesn't mean anything!  You know Dylan admitted long ago his lyrics really just don't make any sense, they are just words that made lyrical beauty on some type of audio impressionistic tapestry .  So really I guess you can make any sense you want out of them and certainly you can make any sense you want out of Ashley Madison.

But if you are interested it all did in fact start on a Saturday morning just 5 years ago.

I Thank the Lord for the People I Have Found

It's My 4th Blogoversary!

I can't believe I've been doing this for 4 years!  I don't even like doing things I enjoy for that long!

Here are previous blogoversary posts:
First Year:  Remember where you came from (or as Stephen Colbert would say re-become the person you never were)
Second Year:  Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to...
Third Year:  Why we blog and meeting another blogger

Anyway, the song lyric above is from Elton John's song Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters off the 1972 Honkey Chateau album.  John has mentioned that it is one of his favorite songs and it's one of my favorite songs of his.  I've been meaning to use the song for a post for some time but just needed the right theme.  I almost used it once before for a very personal and emotional post about a year ago.  The song was penned, of course, by Elton John's long time lyricist Bernie Taupin.  Taupin and John created the rather somber toned song as an ode to New York city.  The two country boys were both amazed and awestruck by the city and somewhat scared one night when Taupin heard gunshots near his hotel room.  And yet in the song they rejoice in what the city is and what it is not.  To paraphrase a Rolling Stone critic from the wiki, the song evokes imagery of one's individual paradox of needing people and yet desiring the privacy of aloneness.  That paradox makes a great theme and in fact is the stimulus or simply that little something extra that made Taupin and John such a magical musical pair.

But I guess at these kinds of times, anniversaries of events, we tend to think about questions like "why we do this?"  "Does this make us happy?"  "Should we be doing something else?" "What do we get from all of this?"

In asking those questions it seemed apparent that the tone of that song ringed the true answer. As Elton John and Bernie Taupin make one another better, blogging seems to help us navigate that razor's edge along the paradox between needing people and needing privacy.  It gives us that little something extra in our life.

As I thought further I rather thought blogging is somewhat like parallel play in children.  If you have ever been around kids you know that young children (usually 2-3 years of age) often parallel play, a form of play where they are adjacent to but do not try to initially influence one another's behavior.  While playing alone, the child is still quite interested in what the other children are doing.  If quite interested, children will at times be influenced by one another and modify their play accordingly.  Parallel play is an important part of childhood development, it sews the seeds of learning how to deal with one another and will help form foundations for future relationships.  Children are always content at play but often parallel play is the little something extra that makes them happier and helps them grow.

Yes, like that Elton John song and parallel play, blogging is that little thing that makes us smile at the world in spite of all the craziness that surrounds us.  There is just something to it.

Or maybe blogging is just that little something extra that helps us feel good about where we are in life.  Yeah, a little life lagniappe.  In the Cajun/Creole vernacular a lagniappe is a little something extra, something a business might give a customer as appreciation for their business (aka that 13th donut to make a "baker's dozen").  Much like all of Cajun and Southern Louisiana culture, lagniappe is an amalgamation of many influences.  In this case the word is derived from the Spanish word (albeit Andean South American Spanish) la yapa (a free extra item, usually cheap).  In fact the word lagniappe is, in effect, a lagniappe; a little something extra one gets when you fuse a lot of things together.  When we enter the world of blogging an entire world then is fused to our screen and we get the amalgamated sum of those experiences and that gives us that little lagniappe, something extra, that keeps us going, reinforces us, amplifies who we are and fortifies us as we go on our way.

This also reminds me of my Intro to Economics Class at Big State U and how $1 moves through the economy.  Intro to Economics was a real eye opener to me.  It used mathematics which I was good at but it connected to something - making money!  And it used logic and human behavior which I liked.  All of a sudden algebra wasn't just something boring, it helped me decide how to maximize my utility over $10 between porn videos, porn magazines, or a six pack of Old Milwaukee and why my demand for such products was so elastic!  At once I knew what vector I needed to be on in that massive 400 person auditorium listening to the famous Dr. M*****st***, who btw was an Economic advisor to the Nixon administration (just had to throw that out for ego)!  But what we learned that day was that if I buy $1 of something off Kat's blog page, Kat then can take that money and invest it.  If she earns 10% that turns into $1.10.  She can then buy something from Sassy for $1.  The bank in the meantime can lend Ad the $0.10 that Kat left in the bank.  Ad can then buy supplies for his product and sell it to me for $0.50.  Of course, then you are saying Ryan can invest this into venture capital and become a millionaire!?  Hell no, Ad sold me a Larry the Cable Guy "Git R Done" ballcap, I ain't part'in with that!  But you see that $1 ended up becoming $1.10 + interest for Kat, $1 for Sassy, $0.10 + interest for the bank, $0.50 less interest for Ad, and one genuine "Git R Done" ballcap for Ryan.  Our national GDP is somewhere north of $2.50 + a cheap ass redneck hat for Ryan.  See, we all get a little something extra, we all benefit.  I know, you tea partiers are saying "Ryan you are just trying to RAM Obama's socialistic stimulus packages down our throats!"  Well maybe you are right but whether you are Keynesian or Friedman'esque, you realize we all benefit when we work with or alongside one another.  The sum of all transactions ends up greater than the parts.  It gives us a little something extra.

Who knows, I'm really not sure but all that stuff above sounds like a good reason to waste this much time over the past four years!  If nothing else I made a quirky attempt at finding some meaning by threading a Cajun word, a child development concept, economic theory, and a song lyric which I guess has become my little schtick over time.  Not that child development theory is my schtick just trying to tie together random concepts for some type of universal realization in the most inane way possible!


However, if you are trying to take some meaning from this post just understand this, write about sex (WAY more than me) and use a lot of pictures (people like that), and link to other bloggers, and shamelessly slobber affection of famous bloggers (like Kat) so they will mention you, and don't write so often that you get sick of it, and don't ever let it become homework (this is supposed to be fun).

But yes, blogging does add a little incremental value to my life.  Are you doing something that adds incremental value to your life?  Does blogging give you that mental lagniappe?

So in conclusion I steal this from Elton and Bernie "I thank the Lord there's people out there like you!"   :)

Everybody Loves Me Baby What's the Matter with You

It's my 2nd Ashley Madison Anniversary!
and my 200th post is marked down to 199 for one day only!


A few weeks ago I wrote a tribute to Riff Dog upon the apparent end to his blogging days.  I used the Don McLean American Pie lyrics "The Day the Music Died" as the post title, as it seemed so appropriate.

It got me to thinking about that album.  The funny thing is that famous song is not really my favorite on the album because it has been so overplayed.  That album contains so many great songs like "Vincent" (an ode to Vincent Van Gogh), "Babylon" (a traditional chant), and "Everybody Loves Me Baby."  Like the characters in "The Day the Music Died," "Everybody Loves Me Baby" is one of those songs where you can debate over what it's about.  Some say it's about America.  Others, and I agree, say it's about President Johnson (LBJ) who had so many landmark accomplishments such as Civil Rights and the Great Society yet left office in ill repute over his escalation of the Vietnam War.

Anyway, upon my 200th post and celebration of my 2nd Ashley Madison anniversary I find that song an excellent way to hammer out a good "whiney"post about my marriage and how I have come to this place in life.  Everybody needs a good whine every so often.  Unfortunately I don't have any cheese to go with this post (get it cheese with my whine) but here goes.

Btw, here is what I wrote on my 1st Ashley Madison Anniversary.  Go to my first blog post and you will see what I did on my 1st day on AM.

But Ryan I was counting, why celebrate your 199 post - what are you trying to feed us?  Oh yeah, well you know in my business marketing is very important.  I've gotten to the point where I can't stand to see something priced at say $1.42 or just $20, it irks me.  You see, I'm a slave to marketing and one of the biggest marketing tenants in retail is odd-even pricing.  Odd-even pricing says that psychologically customers will respond to a price of $9.99 better than $10.  Apparently it was originally a tool to make sure cashiers were actually ringing up sales and not counting in their heads.  But it became so prevalent that somebody attached a psychological term to it.  Anyway, since I was too lazy to crank out another post so my AM anniversary would coincide with my 200th post I just decided that visually there would be greater "perceived value" if my 2nd AM Anniversary/200th post post was actually #199.     :)

So on to my whine and cheese for the day.

If I was going to write a thesis for why I joined Ashley Madison it would be this:  "to refute Shannon's assertion that I am a complete ass and to validate Renee's assessment that I was indeed handsome, nice, and even charming."  Well, I guess sex was a big motivator too!  Kat wrote about types of affairs a few months ago - it was a great post (as is the case with all of her posts).

I am not sure what category I fit in.  I can't say I have had an affair of the heart but I am certainly not in this just for sex.  Yet, while I have had some emotional connections I am certainly not in it just for witty e-mails either.  I can get that from my wonderful blogging friends!  However while sex may not be all that's on my mind it sure does pass the time and keep other things off my mind!  Of course Kat and I have a running joke that I'm really just into this to see myself in front of the mirror (like the Pres)!   :)

So really what my relationship with Renee provided was hope.  Of course the President in Hunger Games says a little hope is good, a lot of hope can be dangerous.  So as I logged into Ashley Madison for that first time I was looking for hope.  And I guess I found a lot and yes it has been dangerous.  But also exhilarating.

So what to do with all that hope?  I was in a Diversity Symposium the other day and the speaker said "we are here but we want to go there, how do we do it."  We look for our "North Star."  She said "we find that through daring ingenuity where you are not afraid to fall."  I guess that could be a good analogy for Ashley Madison.

What she also said is that change is easy, if I give you $1 and you give me back 4 quarters we have change.  What we are really looking for is transformation.  Oh and of course desire, for without desire there is no transformation.  She also mentioned something about luck often being the intersection of desire and opportunity.  Yeah, all this stuff relates really well and does describe my transformation with the AM thing.

So anyway, we log onto Ashley Madison and find "an aspirational place to reflect and to dream and to transform."  For me it was very therapeutic to have an opportunity to be intentionally mindful of others in the pursuit of impressing someone else.  Unlike a bar and except for the profile description and photos we have no observable phenotype of the individual we are contacting at first, only their words.  And so we get a vision of who they are (if you are good at writing) or perhaps more importantly their vision of who they want to be instead of a hallucination (which is often a biproduct of being in a bar).

Early on in my AM career I did have fairly good success with just simply getting responses.  That positive mental feedback for being charming, witty, and interesting drove me to endeavor to be even more so.  And with most things in life success drives success.  The more creative I was the more success I had.  Additionally I found the more I was myself the more I was a success.

My first encounter with Alecia showed me that I am someone who can and should be desired by another.  And even more important I found again that great feeling when you desire another and want to be good to them and for them.

Sandra was such a friend.  She made me feel great about myself.  At my age being a "boy toy" is no insult - it's great.  I shared a lot with her.  I told her most of things I done wrong in my marriage.  It was odd to have someone sort of laugh it off as normal forgivable frailties.  Perhaps the things I had done in life, though bad, did not deserve Shannon's sentence of exiled for life.  Keeley made me realize that someone might be willing to go out of their way just to be with me and what a great feeling it is to want to risk something to be with another.  You are in fact most alive when those senses are sparkling throughout your body and you are bursting with anticipation.

And of course now I found Sandee (or rather last fall) and perhaps everything was about to come together. 


Yeah, I guess the best part of all this AM stuff is the people I have met and the affect they have had on me.  I can only hope my affect on them was OK but as that Clint Black song goes "I'm leaving here a better man."

So where to go from here and what to do with Shannon?

As I have said Shannon is a good mom and a gorgeous women.  Certainly someone worth trying everything to keep.  But in the end you can't make people love you and you have to be honest with yourself.  Obviously some things are not meant to be and that is when you have to move on.

So maybe it's a bit of a stretch to say "everybody loves me," but through all this I have realized I am a pretty OK person.

But in the end I am always about bullet points!  So here are my bullet pointed takeaways:

*     Ashley Madison is not for everybody in fact it is not for most people.

*     Ashley Madison is not the end result.  It is at best a guidepost or a North Star if you will.  The light that perhaps inspires you to transform to who you would like to be.

*     Ashley Madison is potentially a tool for self assessment and discovery.  You may find out that in fact you are a jerk!  And then again you might find out that you deserve better.  In the end you will get out what you put in as it is with everything in life.

*     Ashley Madison will get old quickly even for those who like the adventure.  Remember excellence is fleeting.  As soon as you have it, it is gone.   True excellence is fleeting and must be constantly pursued.
*     Like gambling never bet what you are not willing to lose for lose you surely will do in the end; like the Hunger Games the odds are never in your favor.

*     Use AM for healing and hope and pursuit of happiness.  But don't use it for a cure - it is not.

*     Use it to be excellent.  For as Ricky Bobby says "I get up in the morning and piss excellence!"

*     Use it to be more diverse and learn about others and how they got to their place.  Maybe you will understand how you arrived at your place.

*     Be responsible for your outcomes.  It should not be fun if others suffer for your enjoyment.

*     Use it to push you further along on your journey.

 *    Finally as Bill and Ted said "Be excellent to each other!"

And so Dear Shannon I say this to you:

"Yeah, everybody loves me, baby, what's the matter with you?
tell me what did I do to offend you?"

December 3rd - A Day that Will Live in Infamy

It's my 1 year Blogaversary!


I've been thinking about this post for some time.  I was of the opinion that I needed to reflect on the past year and draw important take-aways, perhaps deliver sage wisdom to the bloggosphere, and wax poetic in general.  So I kept thinking and thinking.

The funny thing is that each time I sat down to do some writing some other thought popped into my head and I started writing something else.  In fact I have about 9 posts either scheduled or in draft form just waiting for the next Riff post so I can scam off his surge in hits!  :)

What was my problem, such an epic date deserved an inspiring post don't you think?

So then I started to worry, nothing was coming to me.

Then I started to re-read my blog, perhaps to get some inspiration - or at least some humor.  I was sure I would find some stuff to laugh at myself with!  What was funny is that I found all types of stuff I had simply forgot about.  Some of it I thought was kind of good like the time I came out of the closet about liking Neil Diamond, my ode to female bloggers, and even the time I posed the philosophical question as to the appropriateness of looking at women's butts at the gym or stressed about naming my favorite female blogs!  :)  Yes, please see those links, I set them up for you so you would take a look!

And then it started to hit me.  This was not so much of an epic date as it was somewhat of a crossroads or movement to a new epoch!  You know, kind of like what they think the Mayans were saying now about 2012; not the end of the world but a gateway to a new age.

Wait Ryan, stop the BULLSHIT!  How is moving from writing about looking at women's asses to whatever you are planning on writing next a gateway to a new age!  For Christ sake, get REAL!  :)

OK, OK so what I am really getting at is not so much looking back and waxing poetic as much as looking back fondly at what I have done and looking forward eagerly to what I hope to write about in the future.

So instead of writing anything important to recognize this day, (let's be real what kind of important stuff is going to come from a guy that stresses over the appropriateness of looking at women's butts at the gym) let's celebrate the past and look forward to the future.

And to do this I am asking each of you to take about 30 minutes to go back and re-read your blog and remember fondly at what you have done, celebrate that, and then start to get excited about what you are going to do next.

If you want to post a comment here about something you would like me or someone else to read from the ghosts of your blog past please do so!

Or better yet, tell us something you would like to forget!

But in the end -


Treasure the past but keep moving forward

I'm just Master Shifu passing on the Kwan!

for as a wise turtle once told me:


"Yesterday is history, the future a mystery, but today is a gift and that is why it is called the present!  :)

April 2nd – A Day the Will Live in Infamy!

I am a very regular guy.  I am mid-40’s, married 15 years, and have 2 kids and live in the DC area.  Additionally, although I minored in English and my dream job would have been a sportswriter, writing a blog is the last thing you would expect of me.  And that is all I will say about my normal life for now.  Because the other last thing you would expect of me is the second life I have been living the last six months.

Last April on a Friday evening before Easter I wandered upstairs to watch TV as the rest of the family had monopolized something on the other.  I turned to CNN and casually watched not expecting anything particularly interesting.  That night CNN was interviewing a Noel Bitterman.  It took me a few minutes to figure out what they were talking about.  What it was, was a website called Ashley Madison, a dating site for married men and women who want to cheat on their spouse.  Now of course at this point you are thinking I am a total jerk.  However, I remind you I am not telling my past story at this point and all I will say is it was a long trip to where I sat in front of that TV that night.  But by the end of the interview I had one of those ah-ha moments that truly changed my world.

Conveniently I was working the next day so I had some alone time in my office to do some “googling.”  At first I “googled” Ashley Morgan somehow mixing what I had watched last night with a brand of bourbon/porn star.  Obviously I found nothing.  But after thinking and “googling” some more I finally found Ashley Madison.  I clicked on the link http://www.ashleymadison.com/ and soon saw such a great invitation – “life is short, have an affair.”  Down and to the left you see “as seen on Ellen, Dr. Phil, Larry King, etc.,” so obviously this is legit!  And just to the right they ask for your relationship status.  Click the dropdown button and ta da (!) – yes I would like to be an “attached male seeking females.”  And there is even an Affair Guarantee (which we can discuss later).  Just to the right is the “begin” button.  So I clicked and began my profile.

I have been on Facebook for about 5 years (proudly a little ahead of the curve there) so I was fairly knowledgeable about navigating through a social media site.  First I type in all my information town, zip, birthday, etc.  Now, I am a rookie at this point so I am honest on all of these answers, we’ll talk more about that later.  Next section – name and caption; and again, not considering discretion I type in my name and the year I graduated college.  That is taken so Ashley Madison gives you boilerplate suggestions.  I settle on Ryan20002010 (not my real name of course – I have learned the meaning of discretion over the past few months)!  Caption, hmm I leave blank for now but I bet a good song lyric would sum up the message I want to communicate to the female world but I can look up some Pearl Jam lyrics later.  Weight, height, body type, smoking habits all answered honestly with more to come on those later.  Pictures, I pull a few off Facebook that are not too clear but keep private.  I at least know that at this point.  And finally I go though the Intimate Desires, Perfect Match, and Personal Interests sections.  For now I just check off honestly and don’t add any comments, I can do that later.  What I am really itching to do is see who is out there!