#9 - Just walk away Renee You Won't See Me Follow You Back Home

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Writing this post was like curling up with a cup of coffee and an old favorite book - the memories like visiting an old friend.  I was writing this as I was rehearsing for the Nutcracker last December so all those memories were right there on hand. 

Additionally, this post was where I seized upon the theme of using music quotes.  My first post title was pulled from the FDR WWII speach - it seemed natural.  Going forward I had intended on using Riff's style as I progressed through various relationships.  However, the lyrics I used for the 3rd and 4th posts seemed natural.  As an aside, as with most bloggers I have changed names for obvious reasons.  I was originally going to use Rachel as the name here.  But somehow while I was fumbling with R names the song Just Walk Away Renee came to me.  As I say in the next post it's special to me and accurately depicts the feeling of unrequited emotions.  So I decided Renee it is and soon after I realized I had stumbled on what I thought was a fairly good theme and have either written for a specific lyric or heard a lyric as I wrote ever sense.

As I was typing these notes I just remembered that the Christmas after our performance Renee gave me an Elvis cookbook as a present.  She may have pulled it from the bargain bin at Books a Million but I know she put thought into it.  That was so satisfying to know someone really treasured making me happy.  TMI had regrets questions this Tuesday - I'm still not sure if I regret not making a move here.  Somewhere in a parallel universe maybe we are together and perfect but then again "the grass is always greener..." as they say.  But on the bright side, maybe I'll put out that Elvis meatloaf recipe as a post one day!

Just walk away Renee You Won't See Me Follow You Back Home

Performing in the ballet turned out to be a blast.  All the adults really bonded and we really enjoyed the rehearsals and the time together.  And although I was petrified dancing onstage we made it through without too many mistakes.  It was also fascinating to get the behind the scenes view of how the production came together and I was amazed at how much effort these kids put into doing a show; they were all true professionals.  And I have to admit it gave a big boost to my confidence and ego and I think my charm meter went up a few ticks as well.  What woman doesn’t like a man who can dance!  As a side note I just finished my third year of performing the Nutcracker this weekend.  It was a real joy to be on stage with both of my girls.  Maybe next year I can move up from “party scene dad” to Droselmeyer.

It turned out that Renee was going through a divorce.  She is very charming and quite attractive.  She grew up throughout the Midwest and even lived in Alaska and has a slight “Minnasewta” accent (you bet).  She is about 5’5”, long dark hair, green eyes, and in great shape.  A bit “earthy,” but in a good way and a hockey mom.  Jennifer Connelly has been my #1 celebrity crush since playing David Bowie’s foil in Labyrinth and Renee looks a bit like her.  We really connected from the start.  I purposefully acted inept at tying my flouncy Victorian ruffle that was part of the costume at each dress rehearsal so that she would do it for me.  I remember how intoxicating it was to have a beautiful woman simply fuss over me; the smell of her perfume up close, and her soft touch as she patted down the ruffle against my chest and adjusted my collar.  And for her I think I came across as very charming.  I did meet her husband and he was very gruff and seemed perpetually angry and was apparently an absentee father.  As you find on AM there are a lot of guys who have no clue as to what they have at home.  I think for her I, in my Nutcracker role, was the antithesis of what she had experienced in her marriage.  Renee is also a bit of a foodie so we had a lot to talk about.  She is also very passionate about “green” issues and I am a good listener.  I think having someone interested in listening to her was a boost to her.

After the performances I was very disappointed that I might not see her as often.  Fortunately it was the holiday season and I took the opportunity to be charming and gave her a miniature herb Christmas tree as a present.  Just enough of a present to be sweet but not so much as to cross a boundary.  She was very happy at the gesture and we exchanged e-mail and phone numbers and agreed to stay in touch.  Over the holidays we did exchange e-mails, e cards, funny YouTube attachments, etc.  When she sent me a text on New Years Eve around midnight wishing me “Happy New Year,” I definitely felt a vibe.  But what to do?

Over the next few weeks we met a few times for coffee.  I went on a business trip to New England and was compelled to bring her back some Organic chocolate and a book I thought she would enjoy, again sweet but not too far.  It felt so good to spend time trying to find something for someone special when I knew the simple thought would be appreciated.  When I returned I dropped the gifts off to the townhouse she was moving into.  Again, I can’t describe the intoxicating feeling of having someone truly delighted by something you do.  My wife (Shannon) tends to be all about the merchandise and is not often impressed by the thought.  She always seems so image conscious and I rarely get it right with her.

So we settled into a routine.  We talked on the phone at least once per week and e-mailed often occasionally sharing a joke or YouTube link we thought was interesting.  I would say we met for lunch or coffee about once per month.  She often did talk about her soon to be X.  I can’t tell you how many times I was on the brink of just saying “how do you know when its time to leave your spouse.”  But I just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Down deep I knew that a relationship with Renee couldn’t just be casual and I was not ready to make a big move in my life.  I think to my credit I didn’t want to add any stress to her life and I didn’t think I needed the stress in mine.  And of course there is always the chance the chance that I was misreading the vibe.  Over my life I believe I have been the perpetual “nice guy.”  A female friend once told me “I was the guy she would date if she was not with the guy she was with.”  That’s me, too often second place – on the PGA tour that would make you a millionaire but with love just out in the cold.  Fortunately, my luck would soon change but that is a different story.

The following summer I did see Renee at a festival with a date and I was struck by the intense jealousy I felt.  I knew then I needed to do something soon.

Oh, But I'm tired of Holding on to a Feeling I know is Gone

A common question to illustrate music preference is to ask what album or what 5 songs would you wish to have if stranded on a desert island.  This song by REO Speedwagon would be one of mine.  From a lyrical standpoint they tell great stories while musically they fuse basic rock with an almost gospel quality (like that organ at the end of “Keep the Fire Burining”).  Because I grew up listening to a lot of country, bluegrass, and gospel I like the fusion of rock with these genres.  Some other songs I might take to a desert island might include Interstate Love Song by the Stone Temple Pilots, Blackbird by the Beatles, Driver 8 by REM, Train in Vain by the Clash and perhaps something by Dusty Springfield and Gordon Lightfoot, I think that runs the spectrum pretty well.

Before I go any further perhaps I should retrace my steps a bit and give you a little more of why I am here.  In my forth blog entry (The Long and Winding Road) I did express what specific occurrences initiated my foray into Ashley Madison but did not discuss some of my emotional motivations.  Just prior to going on our Mexico vacation my wife (Shannon) and I gave up on our 3^rd round of marriage counseling.  For me, as I said in a previous blog entry, I began seeing myself differently.  There is a country song that says “I want to see the mountains in your eyes.”  When I saw myself through Renee’s eyes I saw someone attractive both mentally and physically, someone that the right woman would find attractive.  When I am with Shannon I am not a good person because I am living under her gaze and thus her impression of me.  In the movie “The Story of Us” Michelle Pheiffer says “this is me with you.”  In short, Shannon has and I guess will always see me as Ryan version Y2K and including previous Pentium versions.  Renee and subsequently Alecia and others have the freedom to see me as Ryan version Y2K.10+.  In trying to find someone through AM I guess I was hoping to either validate Shannon’s opinion of me, and thus conclude I was in fact a jerk, or find someone that might find a great person inside of me.  Maybe I was just John Cusack saying “I am looking for a dare to be great situation.”  By the way, why do I always express myself through quotes?  I guess because I don’t have a whole lot of relevant things to say or at least have trouble articulating in my words. J

And what am I trying to accomplish in a blog.  I decided to write a blog about 2 months ago and had probably the first 6 entries written in my head.  When I started, the writing just poured out, I have been writing ahead by about 3 entries in a Word document.  I think it is a way to fondly remember the evolution (or devolution) of this fairly good and certainly normal guy as he enters this different world and just laugh at myself.  If anyone is a college football fan and has listened to Keith Jackson announce a game I am hearing him call my blog with his trademark saying “rumblin,’ bumblin,’ stumblin’, whoa Nellie’!”  The other very illuminating thing that has occurred is reading so many other blogs with people in very similar circumstances or at least people finding themselves through their blogs.  And the few responses to my blog have been a big kick.  Of course I did say my one regret is that I didn’t try journalism as a career.  I minored in English in college and was a sports writer for my college newspaper.  I even have some book storylines written in my head that maybe I will write down some day.  So I wanted to recount my tale from the beginning with all my silly acts and as I come to various revelations.  I assure you the man I am now is certainly different than the person I was back last May.  My thought is that I am a bit better but perhaps if you read and comment you can let me know if that is correct.

Btw, I don’t want to make any of my entries a diatribe on Shannon she is a wonderful person in the right circumstances.  She is talented, creative, and very engaging and a good mother.  She is beautiful with shoulder length Auburn hair and what I call “stormy eyes.”  They are blue-grey similar to the sky before a storm.  And by stormy I mean they mirror her often “stormy” temper.

As this is to likely be my last blog entry before the holidays for anyone who might read this Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

So I will leave you with that REO Speedwagon Song I mentioned above:

"I've been around for you
I've been up and down for you
But I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you
I've lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin' your love away
'Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can't relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough

I've had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

[Refrain)
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it's time for me to fly

Oh, don't you know it's...
[Refrain]

It's time for me to fly

Just walk away Renee You Won't See Me Follow You Back Home

Performing in the ballet turned out to be a blast.  All the adults really bonded and we really enjoyed the rehearsals and the time together.  And although I was petrified dancing onstage we made it through without too many mistakes.  It was also fascinating to get the behind the scenes view of how the production came together and I was amazed at how much effort these kids put into doing a show; they were all true professionals.  And I have to admit it gave a big boost to my confidence and ego and I think my charm meter went up a few ticks as wellJ.  What woman doesn’t like a man who can dance!  As a side note I just finished my third year of performing the Nutcracker this weekend.  It was a real joy to be on stage with both of my girls.  Maybe next year I can move up from “party scene dad” to Droselmeyer.

It turned out that Renee was going through a divorce.  She is very charming and quite attractive.  She grew up throughout the Midwest and even lived in Alaska and has a slight “Minnasewta” accent (you bet).  She is about 5’5”, long dark hair, green eyes, and in great shape.  A bit “earthy,” but in a good way and a hockey mom.  Jennifer Connelly has been my #1 celebrity crush since playing David Bowie’s foil in Labyrinth and Renee looks a bit like her.  We really connected from the start.  I purposefully acted inept at tying my flouncy Victorian ruffle that was part of the costume at each dress rehearsal so that she would do it for me.  I remember how intoxicating it was to have a beautiful woman simply fuss over me; the smell of her perfume up close, and her soft touch as she patted down the ruffle against my chest and adjusted my collar.  And for her I think I came across as very charming.  I did meet her husband and he was very gruff and seemed perpetually angry and was apparently an absentee father.  As you find on AM there are a lot of guys who have no clue as to what they have at home.  I think for her I, in my Nutcracker role, was the antithesis of what she had experienced in her marriage.  Renee is also a bit of a foodie so we had a lot to talk about.  She is also very passionate about “green” issues and I am a good listener.  I think having someone interested in listening to her was a boost to her.

After the performances I was very disappointed that I might not see her as often.  Fortunately it was the holiday season and I took the opportunity to be charming and gave her a miniature herb Christmas tree as a present.  Just enough of a present to be sweet but not so much as to cross a boundary.  She was very happy at the gesture and we exchanged e-mail and phone numbers and agreed to stay in touch.  Over the holidays we did exchange e-mails, e cards, funny YouTube attachments, etc.  When she sent me a text on New Years Eve around midnight wishing me “Happy New Year,” I definitely felt a vibe.  But what to do?

Over the next few weeks we met a few times for coffee.  I went on a business trip to New England and was compelled to bring her back some Organic chocolate and a book I thought she would enjoy, again sweet but not too far.  If felt so good to spend time trying to find something for someone special when I knew the simple thought would be appreciated.  When I returned I dropped the gifts off to the townhouse she was moving into.  Again, I can’t describe the intoxicating feeling of having someone truly delighted by something you do.  My wife (Shannon) tends to be all about the merchandise and is not often impressed by the thought.  She always seems so image conscious and I rarely get it right with her.

So we settled into a routine.  We talked on the phone at least once per week and e-mailed often occasionally sharing a joke or YouTube link we thought was interesting.  I would say we met for lunch or coffee about once per month.  She often did talk about her soon to be X.  I can’t tell you how many times I was on the brink of just saying “how do you know when its time to leave your spouse.”  But I just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Down deep I knew that a relationship with Renee couldn’t just be casual and I was not ready to make a big move in my life.  I think to my credit I didn’t want to add any stress to her life and I didn’t think I needed the stress in mine.  And of course there is always the chance that I was misreading the vibe.  Over my life I believe I have been the perpetual “nice guy.”  A female friend once told me “I was the guy she would date if she was not with the guy she was with.”  That’s me, too often second place – on the PGA tour that would make you a millionaire but with love just out in the cold. L Fortunately, my luck would soon change but that is a different story.

The following summer I did see Renee at a festival with a date and I was struck by the intense jealousy I felt.  I knew then I needed to do something soon.

The Long and Winding Road - “That leads me to your door”

Before I go any further I just want to make one comment in the present – DAMN it’s COLD outside!  OK, so while my body is currently in Mexico in blog world I will give a hopefully not too long treatise on how I found myself open to the concept of using a site like Ashley Madison.  First, I will get right to the point.  My wife, in her travels, had an affair with her boss that lasted for about 4 years.  I found out in the classic way – through text messages.  Note to reader, do all this on your own time and in private not on the home computer or I phone.  My wife travels weekly for her job and is generally gone 1 to 3 days per week.  As a result our lives just grew apart.  The upside is that as a single dad (for a few days a week) I became a much better and interesting person.  Unfortunately it was a little too late to make a difference in the marriage.

As an aside her affair ended about a year ago when her boss met another younger female employee.  Now I am no wife swapper but really how dare he cheat on my wife!  I did see a picture of this new interest and while she is pretty hot she can’t possibly be as interesting or charming as Shannon (we’ll use that name for my wife).  But, at any rate, the damage had been done.  Really, the damage was done long ago.  I was very career driven at first and was often absent early in the marriage.  Then we had kids.  I started to hold back on my career drive but amazingly her career really took off.  Soon she far surpassed me and part of her initial attraction to me wore off, as I hear “Don’t You Want Me Baby” by the Human League in the background.  She likes the finer things in life and traveling to New York, Miami, LA, etc. certainly made life with me very normal.  To be fair she does her share of traveling to Kansas and South Dakota as well so it is not always glamorous and traveling can be very draining over time no matter the destination.  So she mentally moved on.  And we act out the part of the good family for the five days she is at home. 

I, back at home, was often the only dad at ballet class or being homeroom parent at school.  Of course what that means is that I am often around a lot of mom’s.  That is kind of like the sheepherder turning to Wile E Coyote and saying I have a business trip will you tend the flock while I’m gone.  Yes, in tribute to women there are a lot of great looking mom’s at ballet class and around school.  And often these women don’t have husbands like me that shuttle kids all around the county, cook well, clean, have a good job, and have all their hair and a BMI of 23.  So over this time I made a lot of casual female friends and even started to feel that I was getting some vibes.  There was a mom at ballet and a teacher at school both going through a divorce and there was even a marketing intern at work and a fitness instructor all of which seemed to think I was fairly neat!  But the shepherd should not play with the flock and remember we are in a small town so I never moved on anything.

Then 2 years ago my eldest daughter decided to participate in her ballet school’s performance of the Nutcracker.  Apparently they needed some dads to be in the “party scene” in the first act.  So the ballet teacher corners me next to my daughter and asks if I would like to join in.  Now picture this, I hear the pitch and then look at my daughter’s adoring eyes and say “no way, I don’t dance.”  But of course I don’t, I can’t say no with my daughter’s adoring eyes looking up at me.  Oh, and also the ballet teacher is indescribably gorgeous so really I would do anything she asked of me.  The good thing is that the teacher assures me that I am really just part of the background scenery.  Of course that is not entirely true as at the first rehearsal I learn that in fact we do have to dance. 

So let’s set the cast of the Nutcracker first Act Party Scene.  There are six dads who have been coerced into dancing and they are paired with five older girls from the school.  Except for dad six who is me who is paired with one of the mom’s (Renee) who is a friend of the teacher and has agreed to dance.  So Renee was to be my dance partner.