Ryan's Repeats - Time Can't Afford No Time

I had not really intended on continuing my repeat posts beyond last December.  But they've been such an easy way to get a quick and easy post out that I've maintained them through the year thus far.  In fact one of my first posts of the year was a re-peat that sort of turned out as a Mission Statement as well an aspirational post for me. The bottom line is they are really a fun way for me to reflect on past posts I've enjoyed and a way to add some new thoughts on that particular subject.  As I've said before, when you've been posting for some time, the total posts you have on your blog can become daunting for a new reader and a barrier to starting to follow.  For me these are that easy way to just hop on board for someone who has yet to ride the von-Ryan Express!  Sorry, that was bad!

Now that being said, as I began to further wind down the blog after this past April I felt surely I couldn't continue to do reposts.  For instance this June I am only planning 4 posts; in July only 3.  But always something happens to me and I think, "I wrote about that once" and then sure enough that post happened a year ago and I decide I want to revisit the topic so to speak.  And that is what I'm doing today.

I love getting my hair cut.  However I'm someone who actually has a pretty high personal body space. I'm not a touchy-huggy person to just anyone.  But if I can build trust and confidence in someone I do enjoy personal interaction (of course you know that, you've been reading my blog).  So for me having someone (meaning cute woman) that I can build a long term rapport and confidence in is very important.  And that's because I love getting my hair cut. Well really I love the relaxation of getting my hair cut.  I love taking 20 minutes out of my week to put myself in the hands of someone (cute female) and let them take control.  I love a beautiful woman running her hands through my hair and taking care of me.  I love.....; oh man I better stop, this is getting too hot for me.

Anyway the other week I was getting my hair cut with Shyahyn (that's not really her name I just like making up faux-names) and I noticed the couple to my right.  The man was getting his hair cut.  His wife was watching, or rather "supervising."  They were a very distinguished couple in their late 70's.  He had a look of being a retired executive.  We have a lot of those in my town; high powered DC execs who have decided to move out to the eclectic artsy country-side to spend those golden years.

Anyway the man was sitting very calmly in his chair as his wife and the stylist debated and fussed over his hair.  Apparently the couple were going to a wedding the next weekend and Harry (let's just call the gentleman Harry for now) needed just the right coiffure for the event.  Or let's be real, the wife needed Harry's hair to look just right so he would be an appropriate accessory for her dress and that new Vera Wang bag she bought in Tyson's last Saturday!  Harry, for his part, just sat quietly and obediently; it's his hair but nobody needs his opinion just now.  :)

Yes, Harry is very compliant and seems to be enjoying all the fuss.

I was enjoying it because as Shyahyn was nimbly running her fingers through my hair I was humored by the relaxed yet purposeful discussion next to me.  I then recalled the post I wrote just a year ago and decided this could be my repeat post for June.  I like that - post already written less work for Ryan.

But then a deeper thought hit me.  It hit my core and something I've always tried to get out on this blog. That is the fact that I like to march to the beat of a different drummer.  As we read these blogs we come across so many "key" terms:  MILF, FWB, yada, yada.  In fact whole blogs are dedicated to people who are "doms" or "subs."  That always struck me as odd for some reason.  I certainly could never see myself as a sub, I'm just too dang stubborn, obstinate, and contrary to just do whatever someone said to me even if they have a leather mask and whip!  And yet I'm inherently a polite person so I could never be a "dom."  You'll never hear me say the words, "you are my love slave, suck my balls *itch!"  I just couldn't do it.  Sorry all you "subs" out there.

But what I realized as I watched Harry get fused over is that, this is how it's supposed to be.  Let's just assume Harry was some high ranking VP at some defense contractor around the Beltway or perhaps a hedge fund manager.  He probably was a "dom" every day at his fast paced stressful work environment for decades.  Perhaps he even was an officer for Rotary or big at the Country Club.  His wife, I'm thinking Zelda for some reason, maybe had a career of her own or maybe stayed at home and took care of Harry.  Maybe she set the rules of the house.  Maybe she was the dom at home.  Who knows?

My point is that labels are just that, labels.  I'll never be a "dom" or a "sub" because I question too much and will never be ordered around by someone if it ain't what I want to do.  But if it's something I enjoy and, oh btw, it's been a tough week and I've had to make too many decisions already, then I am only so happy to go with the flow.

So as Shyahyn flipped through my hair and said, "do you want to leave it a little longer this time?"  I get it, she means "Ryan, I'm a cute girl and I know what women like and you look waaay cuter with your hair grown out just a bit."  This is the time to be submissive and let her do with me as she wishes.  It will be way more relaxing and I'll come out looking better in the end.  And guys if you are still in the "dom" role read this article, women really are looking at our hair and apparently we usually disappoint them so give in and let them have their way, you'll be happier for it.

As for me I do look better when I let Shyahyn have her way with me.  And I bet Harry got layed last night with that new do that made Zelda so happy!

Anyway, here is my last-year's post about the salon and some differences I've observed between men and women.  Get the whole "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" schtick?  No?  Well, now you do!  :)

Ryan's Repeat
from June 24th, 2013......

Or Men are from Barbasol and Women are from Vidal Sasson

Ryan's Thoughts from a Salon Chair on a Few Differences between Men and Women




So I was at the salon getting my hair cut on Saturday afternoon.  You might be surprised that I am so concerned with my hair but I'll say that I was perfectly happy going to Floyd the Town Barber for several years until he decided to take his talents a little closer to the city.  So I was left with trying out the local salon in town which is still walking distance from my office.  There I met Shyahyn, the girl who has been cutting my hair for the past three years.  Her name is not really Shyahyn but I enjoy coming up with nouveau spellings of trendy names.  The salon is the "in" place for ladies to get styled in town.  The owner is very good which is why they go.  Shyahyn is pretty good as well but she has a nice smile and great tits which is why I go (see there is the first difference).

But my thoughts on today's post were spawned from a conversation I overheard Saturday between the owner and two young ladies, one of whom was getting her hair styled.  As I was driving home last night I thought about the experience and decided that this interaction was an excellent opportunity to produce a Ryan-esque turgid reflection on the difference between men and women!  :)

And I want to illustrate using faux dialogue:

Act I:  So How Would You Like Your Hair

Scene 1 - The Girls

Salon Owner - So honey what are we doing with this gorgeous hair today?

Girl 1 - You know I've really been thinking about going short, I love that Michelle Williams look.  Take a look at this, can you do this with my hair (showing Harper's Bizarre Magazine photo of several celebs).  Then again I really liked Gwynn Stefani's up bunn I saw on TMZ the other night.

Salon Owner - Do you think your fiancee will like the shorter look.

Girl 1 - Well you know he always says he likes my hair long and just keep it simple but I want to do something different and see how he likes it!  I'm so not sure.

Salon Owner - Oh honey he'll like you in anything!

Girl 2 - Yeah, she's right Beau loves you no matter what! (secretly knowing Beau won't like it because he told her he hated short hair while she was giving him a BJ three years ago - but she ain't volunteering that info).

Girl 1 - Well I want to look specatacular for the wedding announcement tea next Sunday so let's go with the Michelle look.

*  1.5 hours later the girls leave Girl 1 with a new hair style and mani-pedicure and Girl 2 with a list of 28 questions to ask the catering and florist about the upcoming wedding announcement tea.

Scene 2 - Dudes (Ryan)

Shyahyn - So what are we doing today, trimming it up?

Ryan - Yeah just the usual, it's getting hot.  If you have any thoughts go for it, you're the expert.

*  Thinking to himself - I really just want to get my hair shorter, relax in peace and quiet for the next 20 minutes, enjoy those long soft fingers running through my hair, and look at those nice beautiful tits (note Shyahyn usually wears a low cut blouse).  I wonder if that expert comment made any points?  Do you think I could get away with screwing my stylist?

Shyahyn - How does your wife like your hair?

Ryan - Urr, uhh, hmm, uhhh, short!  I think!?  I guess I'm not really sure, she never tells me so I guess she likes however I have it.  She mentioned something about Keanu Reeves once but I'm not sure; I guess I wasn't listening.

*  20 minutes later Ryan is done, pays for the cut, gives Shyahyn a $5 tip and goes.

Act II - Salon Dialogue, Guess Who's Coming for Dinner?

Scene 1 - The Girls

Girl 2 - I am not sure if I'm happy with this mascara I got yesterday at Ulta.  It's just not the right consistency, it's clumpy and it smudges!  I prefer the stuff I got from Sephora last time.

Girl 1 - OK, that's about you but today is about me!  We have to finish talking about my tea next month for all the bridesmaids.

*  Author's Note:  the real Girl 1 actually said that ("this is about me") in response to something her friend was saying, I kid you NOT!

Girl 2 - Hey I saw Giada did this lingonberry cous cous on endive that looked really cute.

Girl 1 - Ew, I'm not putting a piece of lettuce that looks like a purple penis into my mouth.

Girl 2 - OK so what do you want.

Girl 1 - I want some of those little cucumber sandwiches with vanilla infused honey sour cream spread and maybe some mini herbed asparagus puffs.

Girl 2 - Girl, that sounds so good.  But what about the invitations, I saw you invited Celine - you know she will probably show up with her bff Courtney.  That girl is trouble.

Girl 1 - Yeah at Hannah's engagement party she and Whitney's boyfriend went to the back and I just know she gave him a blow job - that slut!  And she ate half the chocolate dipped strawberries.  She kept eating the white chocolate one's and pretended she was licking some guys balls.

Girl 1/Girl 2 (in tandem) - Ewww.......

Girl 2 - But you have to invite Celine she is one of your maids-of-honor.

Girl 1 - OK she can come but I want you to make sure if Courtney comes over you occupy her, I don't want to be embarrassed.  Maybe you can get that weird guy Ryan from downstairs to come over.  I bet he wouldn't mind taking Courtney off our hands.  He's like Mickey - he'll eat anything.

Girl 2 - Girl, that Ryan would probably let Muffy (girl 1's shitza-poo) lick his balls.

Girl 1 - Ew, don't talk about Muffy that way!


Scene 2 - Dudes

Dude 1 - Dude we should get our posse together for game 7 tomorrow night.

Dude 2 - Yeah, let's get the dudes upstairs and those guys across the street.  Should we invite Ryan over?

Dude 1 - No that pussy will probably bring his girlfriend.  She won't let him take his dick anywhere without her.

Dude 2 - But he's our bro we shouldn't let a little thing like a girlfriend come between us?

Dude 1 - *uck him, that's his problem.  The last time his girlfriend was over she bitched the whole time about how gross the bathroom smelled and then she started throwing shit out of the 'fridge because she said it was out of date.  *uck that, I want to enjoy myself!

Dude 2 - OK, should we see if Carlton wants to come over?

Dude 1 - Dude, he's weird!

Dude 2 - Yeah but he works at the liquor store and he always bring over Jager!

Dude 1 - Cool, bring him over!  Make sure he brings the Jager.  Is he still dating that chick with the big tits?  She can come if she brings her friends.

Dude 2 - OK, I'll ask him.  What do you want to do for food.  I like sushi.

Dude 1 - Dude you're weird but if you insist on sucking down fish bait it's your life; I'm going for a bucket 'o KFC!

Dude 2 - OK, let's do it.


Hey, I should probably apologize for using those lyrics in the title.  If I had ever gotten caught listening to this band in high school I'd of probably got my ass beat.  But I've grown up, matured, and broadened my horizons.  And anyway is anybody who is reading this blog really looking for good taste?

But the band is called Hair Cut 100 a Brit band formed in 1980 that had two minor hits "Love Plus One" and "Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)," which include the lyrics above.  It's a funny little song about putting on your favorite shirt and meeting and "hooking up" with a girl at your favorite club.

It posses an interesting question:  can time afford time?  I guess since time does not have any form of currency it really can't afford anything.  But I think this is a spiritual question.  Since any point of time only exists in the moment of said time it can therefore not afford to spend any time on anything since as soon as it's finished being time it's gone and of course can't afford anything.  So I guess they are right!  Time can't afford no time!

Ryan's Repeat - Looking for Mr. Goodmatch

Or You're Riding High in April, Shot Down in May.....

That's life!

Actually life is pretty good for me just now.  In fact perhaps too good.  I'm transitioning into a new role at work and that has left little time for other life endeavors.  So in that regard while the blog was riding high in April, with my 400th post, it is now a week into May and I feel shot down with nothing much to really say, blog-wise.  But don't feel bad for me I've gotten what I've been working towards for 20+ years, perhaps more.  I remember way back in the 90's I'd say proudly to anyone who'd listen (mostly Shannon) "I'll be a **** by the time I'm 35."  If you've read my blog (the Shannon stories) you'll know I fell a bit short of that some 10 years ago.  I came to this little hamlet outside of DC with my tail between my legs.  But slowly I worked hard and now I'm moving into a position I scarcely could conceive of back in those boastful 90's days.

But who wants to read about Ryan and work.  I wasn't that interesting back in the 90's when I was working all the time and I doubt I'll be much more interesting if I return there now.  So it is with that thought that I must again decelerate my blogging.  I'm going to wind down from my current 6 posts/month pace through the summer and through the end of the year.  You'll still hear from me occasionally, I just need more time to have adventures or observations worth reading.  Yes Sandee is still around and we still have the occasional adventure that I must write about soon.

Martha the model

But the other day I did hear that Frank Sinatra song and I'd been thinking about my life right now and also this repeat post and what I could say today.  Martha Stewart has always intrigued me a bit.  I think it's the hope and expectation of her.  She is so beautiful, so classy, so down to Earth in front of the camera, such the perfect partner; at least in her public life.  Privately, obviously, much has been written about her and her difficult nature.  And yet she has transitioned through life, often getting knocked off balance, pulling herself straight, and then moving forward with grace and charm.  She, in fact, reminds me very much of my Shannon.  Shannon in so many ways is that perfect image of the perfect beautiful wife who is smart, classy, stylish, outwardly charming, a great cook, the envy of everyone from her outward image.  Privately though there are dark clouds in that psyche and the promise of that image one observes in public, close though if may be, unfortunately ends up being just beyond one's grasp.

so down to Earth on camera

It felt very comfortable writing this faux reply to Martha's profile on Match.com, as if I knew her and knew just how to write to her.  After all, in a way, I feel I do know her and what drives her and the type of man that might inspire her.  To Martha (at least in jest) I can be that man because this is in fact just a silly blog post about an imagined faux letter - something I do often in this blog.  It would be wonderful to write that letter to my Martha (Shannon) if I could only be that man to her.  My paradox is that while I've become that man here on the blog and on AM to her I am still trapped in the image of the man she knew 10 and 20 years ago.

But as Frank so eloquently put it "that's life....

But don't worry I do agree with Frank when he goes on to say in the song:

That's life (that's life), I tell you I can't deny it

I thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it

And if I didn't think it was worth one single try

I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

Please re-enjoy my response to Martha Stewart's Match.com profile.  And take a look for some geographic hints at the end!  :)

Ryan's Repeat

from May 23rd, 2013......

Over the past few months I've done a lot of reminiscing over past posts from the blog.  I enjoy writing about many things.  But perhaps this DC insider has the most fun when bringing fair and balanced commentary to big events that I am privy to here in this media capital that perhaps you in the field may have missed.  Big time events such as Mexican rent-a-marriages, the adventures of Octomom, or the family endeavors of the Duggars may be looked over.  Oh wait those are not the stories I see on Wolf Blitzer are they.  Well, truth be told, I live out here in the suburbs; home to long commutes, Wegman's, and the culture one gets from Dancing with the Stars and the Turtle Man.  But I do like to bring that DC media elite flavor to the stories I comment about.

My big news today is something I heard about a few weeks ago.

Martha Stewart has entered into the world of on-line dating!

Yes selling her special line of towels at J.C. Penny's, pots and pans at K-Mart, potpourri on Oprah.com, or aroma therapy pillows at Ikea is apparently not what she wants anymore!  She wants to be out here among us riff raff and see what she's been missing.

And I just can't miss this chance.

So here is how I'd approach Martha if she was on Ashley Madison or I was an available 60-something bachelor on Match.com!  This will be tough.  I'm tempted to ask her how she likes Appalachia but I don't think her last trip was not so kind to her.  But from her jail cell she probably did not get a good flavor for this part of the world so I want to bring it to her now.

You know I've been wanting to give y'all a taste of the Ryan Experience so here it is.  I do have a similar concept on the back-burner.  I created a faux Ryan account on AM some time ago and was going to invite my readers to read and wink at it in trade for a special message.  Maybe this will tempt your interest.


Here are some notes from Martha's profile:

“So while I’m open to all kinds of people, and love to be surprised, here’s what I know I appreciate in a man: Someone who’s intelligent, established, and curious; and who relishes adventure and new experiences as much as I do. Someone who can teach me new things. A lover of animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors. Young at heart.”


And here is my letter to Martha:

Ah Yes Martha - the good life; we all aspire to that, don't we!

So yes Martha I'm so glad this really is you.  And can you believe it, this is really me - Ryan Beaumont!  I'm established and creative as only creativity could have attracted 113 followers to such a silly blog.  You did say you wanted fun too, right!  Well since we are both here let's create an alternative third place beyond home and career where we can enchant and beguile one another along wondrous exciting adventures that raise that heartbeat and stimulate the imagination!  While I see your note on faith is "I'll tell you later," I'll tell you mine is sharing experience and hospitality and making others happy and fulfilled.  Particularly all my furry friends who would love to meet you some day.

Yes, I see you are fun and adventurous.  I'd offer to "Fly You to the Moon" but I'm not "Old Blue Eye's" so how about I offer you a quick plane ride down from ISP to IAD and we'll take an Appalachian Waltz in this Appalachian Spring.  I have so much to show you.

With a brisk hike up to a scenic overlook we can view the intersection of two rivers and three states and view a historic town where the course of America pivoted.  If you still have energy we may walk down to that town and glide above the trees.  From their I can take you along country rodes to a quaint and historic boutique distillery where we can refresh ourselves with a Peach Bellini.  If that only wets your thirst for our landscape we can continue down our beautiful vineyard trail and enjoy a delightful Ice Nebbiolo.  Let's pair that with a hot and fresh baguette and some Raspberry Goat Cheese.  Of course we are both "foodies" so after that we must enjoy the best of outer Beltway cuisine.  In my mind I see us at a delightful restaurant converted from a historic mill and draped with our area's most beautiful Magnolias.  We must enjoy the fresh heirloom Roma tomatoes in a wonderful Caprese Salad and maybe I can tempt you with one of my favorites shrimp and grits; they do it so well.

You might think me ADD but really I just have a great deal of energy and a lust for life.  I like to stay on the go whether it's kayaking on the river or biking along the C&O.

But I can slow down enough to talk about literature or history.  Perhaps we could compare ourselves to Holden Caulfield or imagine ourselves as Huck Finn.  I enjoy being challenged and don't mind alternative points of view.  And most of all I love to cook with or for someone special.

So there you go Martha, my adventurer, let's prepare a fine cuisine together - I can't wait to see what we come up with.  True I'm Southern genteel to your NYC sophistication.  But perhaps I can show you how to baste a Cornish game hen on a grille with a berry infused honey barbecue sauce and turn an Arnold Palmer into a John Daley and you can show me how to turn a average table into a showcase and together we can learn from one another and more importantly be young at heart.

And though I am not Old Blues Eyes nor can I "Take (You) to the Moon," surely we can "fill (our) hearts with song" and "swing forevermore..."

Take Care,

R


I hesitate to write this but extra admiration credit to anyone who can guess the locations I'm talking about.  Trust me, I'm not outting myself because I don't live exactly in those places.  Or do I, that might be a good red herring!  :)

Ryan's Repeats - Try to Remember the Kind of September

"These are the times that try men's souls."

I bet you are a bad tipper too!

Yep, this time of year is very tough on a left of center guy like me.  Sure, I'd like to think the government will spend well the money I just sent them.  And as someone that has been off the tax tables for a few years now I think us 10 or so %'ers could afford to pay just a bit more even if we don't quite have that yacht or jet to write off.  But then again that quote above kind of makes me want to go all Tea Party on them.  You know if an old coot in Utah can knock his old lady up 14 times and graze his cattle for free for like 30 years then why am I making such as effort to pay!  Maybe I need some militia to help me out!  Heck all I'd like is to get a little mileage reimbursement for my travels with Sandee, a little business write-off for that hotel room, or perhaps even an educator credit for that new move I tried out last July.  Isn't that really kind of the same as grazing your cattle for free on Federal land set aside to protect turtles?  I promise I thought about work a little bit even if the thought was how glad I was to be there instead of work.  But none the less I think I deserve as much of a free pass on taxes as that Bundy dude out in Utah!

But if I don't like tax day I sure love writing about it.

Here are my past year's returns Tax Day rants from prior years.

April, 2011

April, 2012

April, 2013

But today is not really about taxes, it's about the time of year.  Last year I reflected on the cycle of the year and how my feelings have changed over the years.  As a kid April used to be a time of renewal for me, a time to start looking forward to the summer.  I still enjoy seeing the flowers come out for the first time.  If you live around here those Cherry and Apple Blossoms are spectacular!  But April does mean those pesky taxes and for Ryan (who actually, though I kid a lot, is still a bit of a work-a-holic in real life) this is the busiest time of year.  So I'll leave you with my reflections from last year of how each season of the year affects my psyche.

Knowing my psyche hopefully what affects it is entertaining to you if not silly!

Ryan's Repeat
from April 24th, 2013......

Buddy, ain't that the truth!

Just so you know I'm a very cerebral person.  I think a lot.  The dif

ference between me and say Einstein is not how much we think it's more about what we think about.  He thought about stuff like time and space and the universe.  Me, I'm the kind of guy that wonders why people all line up at one end of the buffet even though they could go straight to the salad bar and avoid the lines.  I had a roommate in college that thought like me.  We used to talk about a lot of weighty topics.  I remember he once said he was allergic to mint and we had a whole discussion one night about if one could in fact be allergic to mint.  I held that you couldn't because mint was a flavor and thus contained no matter with which to be allergic too.  He countered with "so you're saying mint flavoring is anti-matter?"  He said that mint did have a leaf so it did have matter.  I think he won because oils really can cause allergic reactions (e.g. nutes).  We also used to talk about other things like our desire to be "bubble guys" at sporting events.  You know the guys that used to hold up that satellite disc that uploaded the camera feed.  I know shallow, but that is the stupid stuff I used to think about in college and sometimes still do.  In many cases I'm still that cerebral person on issues of no consequence!  :)

Along those lines I never quite understood that song above (Try to Remember).  To me September never really seemed very mellow at all.  It meant that I was back to school and things in fact seemed really hectic.  I never looked forward to September at all, it certainly was not mellow.  Through my career Septembers have remained very hectic, it just tends to be a very busy time at work.

Over the past 20 or so years, much as I did growing up, I always looked forward to the holidays and to May and then into summer.  I also always dreaded the gloom and doom of January.  It was back to school or back to work and those long winter months seemed an eternity to the longed for relaxation and relative easy of May and June.

But over the past five years I have kind of evolved and changed my tune.  September is still hectic but the excitement of fall and back to school is invigorating after the long summer months.  Summer can be inconsistent and off-schedule.  By the time September gets here I tend to be glad it's on it's way.  The holidays are still great.  Seeing the joy of children is always exciting.  But for an adult, the inconsistency can be exhausting in it's own way.  In fact the dread of Winter is now something I look forward too.  January and February tend to be months when we do NOTHING.  And I like it.  No camps, no performances, no vacations, no big events at work just the same old, same old which can be very relaxing.  At least until I get bored and start looking forward to Spring and the excitement of those end of year activities and the joy of planning for Spring Break and summer vacations.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as I get older I've evolved and I enjoy the pace of the entire year.  I tend to want to savor everything and enjoy each moment as if I were sampling a fine Merlot.

Is it really 3 months to thong season?

Yeah, that is what I want to talk about today the evolutionary process.  That's a weighty topic I can really sink my teeth into in my own way.  Another thing we used to talk about back in college is how all the hot girls disappeared over the winter.  In early September and late April the bikinis came out as the girls layed out in from of ****** ******* Hall at Big State U.  But in January and February it was as if they disappeared.  Big State U was a frozen wasteland; a veritable Land North of the Wall with nothing to look at but fellow male Night's Watchmen.  Depressing.

But as with my evolution in finding satisfaction with all seasons of the year so society evolves.  And so my evolutionary hypothesis is that the female species is advancing faster than their male counterpart.  How do I come to this conclusion you ask.  By natural selection of course.  Females are evolving and us poor guys are just getting left in the dust.

My evolutionary evidence and I guess you could say "tribute" of the day is to Yoga pants.  People like Einstein might celebrate the Theory of Relativity. I celebrate the invention of Yoga pants and the evolutionary tract that yoga pants have created for womankind.  For with Yoga pants those "Hotties" no longer have to hibernate over the winter.  Now they can flash those nice round ass cheeks in public 12 months a year in warmth and comfort.  This is truly an evolutionary step forward.  I know this because there is even a website for Women in Yoga Pants.

Guys?  We just look even more fat in that gigantic North Face jacket. The stocking cap doesn't hide the fact that you are bald.  That Ravens hoodie you are wearing just makes you look like a big black tent with a stupid bird emblem on the side.  Let's face it unless you are still able to keep up that ex-swimmer figure or you're one of those Metro-sexual European dudes, no matter what you do you are still a middle aged guy with no style.

But if you are a lady just slip on a sleek black pair of yoga pants and Badonga-donk!  Yep, we're looking at ya'!  Yes those yoga pants are oh so good at keeping things curving just right; framing those cheeks perfectly.  Who'd of thought that the next great invention would be a way for a woman to just roll out of bed, tie her hair up in a scrunchie, pull on some pants, and then turn heads like Beyonce!  Nobody is going to call the cops on you for public indecency and yet in them we can tell just what it's going to look like when we are in front of the mirror (us behind you).  And that is a beautiful mental image.  And yes, stay with the scrunchie, it's hot knowing just what you are going to look like tomorrow morning when I wake up next to you!  Because you know that evolutionary thing means don't make it too complicated for us to figure it out (we're only about 2 genomes away from Neanderthals you know).

OMG, and you have to check out this article.  Apparently you don't have to bend over and prove your yoga pants are too sheer at Luluemon boutique in NYC!  But if you are with me you are still welcome too!

So ladies, congratulations (as if you didn't know it already) you win the evolution game.  I quit, I need to get back to my twinkie and NASCAR!  :)

Ryan's Repeats - So Happy Together

This week has been a little sad as one of my favorite shows ended last Sunday.  Looking back I feel even more connected as it had a four year run on the Disney Channel which somewhat closely coincides with my four year run on Ashley Madison and blogging.  It was a show the whole family enjoyed.  A show that seemed to fit more in the 80's when an entire family could enjoy the Cosby Show or Family Ties together and children and parents could laugh together and "get it."  Thankfully my family was able to watch the show often and laugh together and perhaps at ourselves when we saw parallels between the show and us.

But as I often do let's set that thought aside for a moment.

It's hard to know when I started thinking I might be able to talk about something other than chasing women on Ashley Madison.  Perhaps I always knew it.  Truth be told my favorite Riff Dog posts were always about something other than AM success such as Soccer Saturday's or helping some hot MILF who's car had broken down.  I've always found something interesting and sustaining about normality.  It's probably why I like Seinfeld so much, they invested so much time in talking (and laughing) about nothing.  It's probably why I've never been into fantasizing about stars, I like the women I see every day at the gym because they are real to me.  When Riff talked about admiring ladies at his kids soccer practice I could see him as a regular dude just like me.  Perhaps he was a little more suave and LA cool, but in reality he was kind of bumbling his way through life just like me.

I think on my blog it started with talking about my failures - they were always more fun (in hindsight) than my successes.  But through writing about my reaction to failures on AM I started thinking about life and how I fit into the cosmos or something (well that sounds good at least).  I think what I found is that I felt quite comfortable with this character I had become in life.

And so what started as an occasion look or observation about life became what I enjoyed most; looking at how us husbands manage to get through the day around the dramas of the wives and kids that run around us and often through us!

One show always seemed to capture my quietly content angst over life and that was Good Luck Charlie.  The family always seemed so genuine and the dad?  Well, he was a dad just like me.  Probably an expert in his field, revered by many, but at home just a little bit in the way and just not so very cool.  But I'm sure in the end loved for being that unseen safety net that is always there but not necessarily noticed.

Well, I'll miss Good Luck Charlie a lot.  Damn that Amy Dunkin is SO VERY HOT, the archetypal 40-something lady us "dogs" on AM would love to meet! And she is so like Shannon.  One of her best Amy quotes: “Whether it’s a mom and a dad, or two moms, or two dads . . . nobody likes your bug stories (Bob).” But thank God I don't have 5 kids!

And, "oh btw," here is one of those observational typical "guy moments" I ended up writing about and enjoying.

Oh and "Good Luck Charlie," you'll be missed by this happily frustrated dad.  You know my girls and I once mentally wrote a Good Luck Charlie episode.  I've got that on my blog "to-do" list some day, some day!  :)

Ryan's Repeat
from February 19th, 2013

The Setting:  A quaint tavern in Ryan's rustic bedroom community outside DC.  The town is bedazzled in the lights of Christmas and the tavern is full of happy guests.  

As we walked into the room I casually glanced over to her.  She radiated beauty and gleamed with happiness.  I knew we were right where she wanted to be; for once I was right, her prince.  As we walked in she lit up the room, she always does.  She always gets that attention.  I was proud to be with her.  I know women look at her and think she has it all (style, beauty, and class) and men look at me and think I've got it all in her.

Yeah, that is not quite the image of Cinderella when the prince notices the beautiful girl from across the room.  But when you are married you tend to become ONE singular image to the outside world.  You are no longer known as Ryan or Shannon, you are the Beaumonts or really more often ******'s dad or mom.  But if you are having a little soiree and need some witty banter about NASCAR and ribs sprinkled with dialogue on the best facial cremes used by the in-crowd and the coolest styles, gadgets, and reading lists in the New Yorker you'll want to invite the Beaumonts.  I'll let you guess who among Ryan and Shannon is the authority on which subject!  :)

Hey I'm into NASCAR and alternative fuels

What am I talking about today?  Couples dating!

No not that couples dating, I'm not cool like some of those Hot-wifing sites.  I'm just talking about the normal old Honeymooners type stuff.  You know what I mean, the couples you enjoy spending time with.  Really it ends up being just like high school, stressing out over what they think of you, are you right for them, do we measure up to a University professor and an Assistant District Attorney?  Are you an introverted couple or an extroverted couple; alpha or beta?

Hey buddy get your hands off your wife

Yes on that night we were joining a group of parents for our annual gathering as our offspring practiced for their holiday dance recital.  Yes a night of free after-care!  This was about our third year of doing this and yes Ryan who typically doesn't care to walk to the drum-beat of alpha or beta had organized the first grand fete two years back.  There is Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the younger) and the other Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the elder).  The Elder lawyers are very interesting because no matter where you talk about they have been there and either played golf or skied.  Best thing though is that Mr. Elder Lawyer is a full partner and probably a full on alcoholic and after his 3rd Scotch everything is on him!   There is also Mr IT Analyst and his wife Mrs Doctor.  There is Mrs Marketing Analyst and her husband Mr State Trooper.  Yes quit the nice gang.

Anyway, as I said this is about our third time doing this and the second time which is now about a year and a half ago I mentally thought out a post.  So now here I am actually doing it.

I could be seen with them

It occurred to me that once your married and the kids are old enough to be a little on their own you start to want to get back into the social scene.  And that is when you realize that you need to meet other couples.  You start to think which couples would compliment my passions of NASCAR and BBQ?  Does their hair color and choice of style compliment my Olive green eyes?  Will they accept the fact that I'm fiscally conservative yet still think Mitt Romney should pay some taxes.  Will they get that some things I'm serious as a heart attack over (like Big State U football) and most other things not so much.  Will they understand that I respect their reverence for the environment but NO I ain't givin' up Filet Mignon and that is not an insult to their cause.

Cute but don't make me look bad

Really it gets you to thinking the same way you did back in college.  My ideal couple would be good looking.  They don't have to have big tits.  In fact if she is a C cup I could care less.  But if the dude has big man boobs they are out immediately!  I would like them to be fit.  In fact I'd like to be able to go skiing or perhaps a hike along the Appalachian Trail. But no I ain't doing no triathlons   They don't have to be too smart, in fact to be honest I'd like them smart but not quite as smart as me.  They need to understand sports.  They don't have to be Bobby Knight but at least know what to cheer about.  I can take some alternate views on politics but I don't want them to be too much in my face.

So where does that leave you.  Well back in the day after I had sized up every chick in the DZ and DDD house and turned my nose at everyone I finally settled in on the best looking one that could tolerate me for more than 5 minutes (which means the one that would screw me a second time).  Well, as I said this is not about hot-wifing so in the end the ideal couple is the one who is available and that I can tolerate and who can tolerate me.  See, same as in college.


Actually the song above is pretty special to me.  I remember way back in 3rd grade I had a teacher, Mrs. C. She was very pretty; my first teacher crush.  Thinking back I suspect she had pretty nice tits as well but back then a shy 10 year old boy could develop just a little crush over a sweet smile, long brunette hair, and a lovely voice.  What made me enamored of her was that occasionally she would bring in her guitar and sing to us kiddies.  "Happy Together" was one of the songs I remember her singing and she looked so lovely to my young eyes as she sang.  Funny what I guy will remember.  So this is for you Mrs. C, although I doubt you'd approve of the forum.

Ryan's Repeats - It's a Long Way Down the Holiday Road

One thing I've learned over the past few years is that blogging is great fun, far more fun than all the fun I've had on that AM thing.  Well, maybe not; Sandee has really been a blast.

But I always feel bad when I start reading a blog and then they go poof!  Kind of like the ladies on AM now that I think about it.  Sometimes those blogs don't go poof they just get interesting, come to some sort of resolution, and then fade away.  Sometimes I think it would be better if us bloggers just stayed in a constant state of being *ucked up just so we'd all have something to read and write about.

But as much as I can be a shinning example of bloggerdom (yeah right, this coming from someone who never even wrote of diary before) here are some thoughts I have on keeping your blog going and keeping it interesting.

Hen pecked, diva wife; yeah I feel a link

First be strategic and define your blog broadly.  My blog was never about my wife being "bitchy" and mean, nor was it about screwing a smorgasbord of AM gals.  It was always about relationships and the silly ways a modern-day, regular old guy finds to cope in this world.  In that I hoped that I could connect, that people could see similarities or at least correlations in my experiences next to theirs.  I figured that readers might validate or refute what I felt but regardless I would come to better perspective on life.  You are more than a random event so be more than just a random event that just took place in your life in your blog.  Sure you might get some snarky feedback but that is life you'll either see yourself in a new way or be more resolute in your viewpoints.

Secondly, you wouldn't eat the same meal every day for the rest of your life would you!  Well let's face it a lot of us wouldn't screw the same person for the rest of our life!  So don't write about the same thing.  Sure you started the blog to get out some angst from your marriage out on the table or to tell the cyber world about your hot sexy affair.  But in the end that gives you about a dozen posts.  Write about something else, the environment, food, your pursuit of world peace, curing your dog of licking his balls....  Who knows!  But as in life, figure out some other things that you are interested in and put them out there.  You'll enjoy it and others will too.  Now that being said I wouldn't go so far as to say "hey I really like the new shudders on that house at 321 Wisteria Lane," just after writing about getting a blow job in the Target parking lot from your new AM friend.  We do need to keep a good degree of anonymity and let's face it "plausible denighability!"

But if you do throw some personal enlightenment and skill sets out there what you are likely to find is that you will start to connect with people in a deeper and more meaningful way.  I was always astonished by the feedback from my Shannon stories and my food posts.  Well let's be honest I really liked it that the lady readers seemed to dig those posts so I kept writing.  I bet you'll write something totally different and you'll be surprised because someone from Bangladesh or Brussels was thinking the same thing!

Thirdly, take your time with this.  So many bloggers start out writing every day and then burn out quickly.  Pace yourself, it will build interest in your blog.  It's kind of like screwing on your first date. Too often we don't respect what we really didn't earn.  Make your readers earn your story a little bit.  Make us come back next week and take you out on a few dates first before you give it all away.  We'll respect you more in the end!  :)

I get that same confused look often!

As for me my silly dream is to one day write a Disney sitcom about a silly hapless dad that is mostly a good guy but who's good intentions always get him in trouble.  Kind of like me.  My girls and I even write out sketches sometimes based on Good Luck Charlie or Hannah Montana.  One day I might just do it.  Below is a repeat post that sort of gets to where I'd like to be some day in my writing.  I had planned on stopping my repeat posts at the end of last year but I really did love this post.

Which brings me to my final thought.

Fourthly,  link to the past.  Whenever I see a blog for the first time and I see it has like 400 posts it's almost too daunting!  As you write posts each week link back or create a mechanism for new readers to link back to past thoughts and/or stories.  My repeats over the past year were really a way for new readers to get "suggested readings" from me, in hopes that it might take them back through my story in a more convenient way than just starting from day one.  I know, I said above make them earn it but in the end we are humans - we always need "turn key."  It's also a great way to revisit your story.  It's amazing how much I've forgot I wrote.

But again, think "turn-key" because in life being "turn-key" is what I've always been about.

Anyway here is another one of those repeat thingies!  :)

Ryan's Repeat
from January 28th, 2013.......

I gotta tell you I'm a guy who likes routine and I like my things a certain way.  I like to work out at a certain time and watch Chris Matthews on the TV while I'm doing the elliptical.  I like to eat at a certain time and I like to watch my college football and basketball at a certain time each night (NASCAR or the Nats in summer).

All that is thrown out the window when you are on vacation.  Now when you are traveling to Aspen to ski or going to Boca to the beach you take those deviations in stride because you are doing something different that is fun.  But when you are just going to visit the family in their vanilla town well then all those little changes to routine are just a pain in the ass.



I happen to have great in-laws.  Shannon and I have joked that if we ever get a divorce we don't want to lose our in-laws.  That being said I like them, I don't want to live with them.  My wife's sister and her husband are DINKS (double income no kids).  DINKS live in a foreign world with no stress and no mess.  When we invade I know it's tough on them because their no fuss world is thrown into tatters by our "young-un's."  But it's tough on me because they are DINKS and lead a DINK lifestyle which means existing in their world becomes almost like an episode of Bear Grylls for Ryan.

I will outline the predicament in my bullet-pointed rant below.  Let's call it Ryan the Average Married Dad's Survivor-Man Experience in DINK-land:

Can someone find me a damn Cheeto!

*  My brother in law has a wide range of beverage choices at his home much like I do.  Except that while I have the family version of variety (milk, OJ, Fruit Punch, and maybe some Sprite and the occasional Rolling Rock) the brother in law has a wide assortment including Crown Royal, Johnny Walker (red), Stolis, Heineken, Blue Moon, and the local Pale Ale.  Oh and he has tap water as well.  This of course is fine because he has no kids which is really just a half step away from bachelorhood.  Really it is a bachelor without haveing to go through the exhaustive efforts of finding a woman to sleep with every night.  For Ryan this starts off fun.  I don't drink a lot but I do enjoy a good beer now and again.  But by day 2 my head is pounding from alcoholic consumption and dehydration and I just want the Libby's Cherry Punch my kids drink and I count on for re-hydration on a typical evening.


It's bad if you'd kill for fruit punch

*  Meals are interesting at the in-laws.  My wife's sister will get up and fix a hearty breakfast of 4 eggs, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, 2 slices of toast, and a squirt of OJ (I forgot they did go out and buy a 20 oz bottle of OJ from 7-11 for our visit).  Now let me clarify.  That menu is not per person that is TOTAL!  This may feed them fine.  They are DINKS, they still give a shit about how they look.  But we have hungry kids and kids go through breakfast food like a locust plague leaving Ryan with a bite of cold egg and the dry toast crust my kids turned away.  I try to dash away at some point late morning, faining a need to fill the car up with gas and steal off to 7-11 or Dunkin' Donuts for needed sustenance.


*  Next comes TV.  The DINKS have no kids which means no fighting over TV rights.  That means they have 1 (count it 1 TV).  That means we have to deal with kids complaining over missing Shake it Up Chicago or deal with actually watching the show.  Guess who wins.  Actually my girls are now kind of addicted to their IPads so this isn't as much of a problem as it used to be.  But then the problem is that my brother-in-law (who doesn't have kids) has actual REAL hobbies like playing golf 5 times a week.  When he doesn't play golf he watches golf.  In fact right now the European Tour is playing in Liechtenstein.  Oh wait, I barely give a shit when they are playing at the Master so I certainly don't care when they are playing at a small European Duchy!  Bottom line, no ACC basketball for Ryan!

*  Anyone who has kids knows that the average American child has to have sustenance (snacks) every hour or they pass out.  I implied that Shannon and I don't care how we look but actually we are pretty health conscious.  Our girls are very healthy and fit as well.  We keep our pantry and fridge stocked with a wide variety of fruit snacks, cheese, yogurt, etc.  The kids stay healthy and these are the type of things Ryan lives off of late at night whilst watching the Duke-UNC game on TV.  The DINKS, who both happen to be very Metrosexual apparently live off of beer, wine, and about 300 calories a day.  What that means is NO 'effin snacks.  So while Ryan is missing the ACC basketball game at night, is dehydrated from only consuming alcoholic beverages throughout the day (did I mention happy hour for the brother in law starts at noon), going on about 1 hour of quality sleep (will speak to that below), and is on an all Dunkin' Donut/convenience store nacho diet (from lack of normal meals), he also is devoid of his late night cheese and cracker snacking routine.

*  At the end of the day poor Ryan is very tired.  The bed in the DINKS extra bedroom is technically a double if you are a couple from Munchkinland in the land of Oz.  Otherwise no two standard adults would fit, certainly not Shannon (who is very fussy) and I.  So that means the little one sleeps with mommy.  The older one is now 12 so too old to sleep with daddy on the pull-out futon-like thing in the living room - so she gets that.  That leaves Ryan banished like Quasimodo to the air mattress in the brother in law's office in the back of the house.  The air mattress provides a wafer thin boarder of air between my body and the cold hard wood floor.  That means I awake on the hour to a sore shoulder and adjust to the other side.  Upon one of these awakenings I think to myself "my God, I'm drooling icicles!  No it's because it's 'effing freezing in here!  Apparently there are too many heat vents in the other bedrooms and if they keep the thermostat above freezing all the other rooms are at the boiling point.  Thusly, the DINKS keep the thermostat at Minneapolis level.  They stay warm and by morning there is a Ryan-cicle in the back room!  Bottom line - no good sleep for Ryan.

Anyway by the afternoon of day 2 all the girls had left to go shopping and it was just the brother in law and me at home.  Actually we were watching the Falcons-49'ers game but I was just too damn tired of sitting on my ass so I decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood.  Their neighborhood is very nice with a lot of families.  I enjoy being there in the summer because of the plethora of hot young mommies sprinkled throughout.  On this particular day there were a lot of mommies out walking but unfortunately poor Ryan was looking quite haggard and disheveled from the malnutrition and sleep deprivation.  Consequently, as I passed all those cute mommies I got those proverbial "please don't rape me/I've got a can of mace buddy don't make me use it," stares!  The final insult was when some guy (I guess assuming I was a transient liquored up bum) offered me the puke green couch he was dragging to his curb to dispose of.  I thanked him but told him someone in Greenville would probably like to have that on their porch instead.

Oh well, life's a bitch and then you die - but someone has to do it!  :)