Then My Friend You're in a Carolina Day

I'm always reminded that someone close to me would always say "the skies are full of Carolina blue today," on a day such as today.  My friend is a UNC Tarheel fan thankfully, I'd hate to see a day full of Duke Blue Devil blue; that would be rather melancholy, don't you think.  Of course that slogan is of no value if you are a fan of the Wolf Pack, Demon Deacons, Pirates, Mountaineers, or even the Blue Hose or Camels!  But I suppose anyone from NC is a Tarheel on some level.

Livingston Taylor wrote a song called Carolina Day about a day just like today.  And yes that is James Taylor's brother.  JT and LT were born in Boston but grew up outside of that Carolina blue town of Chapel Hill.  LT later went back to Boston to attend prep school and eventually became a faculty member at Berklee College of Music.  I believe the song talks about happily traveling back to Carolina from Boston ("on a plane out of Logan") to enjoy one of those Carolina blue days with family.  The song also mentions his brother's (JT) fame but more importantly reflects the gentle tranquility one feels when you are floating through one of those Carolina blue days.

I walked past JT once back stage, I didn't notice him until I was past.  I looked back and realized who he was and said "hi."  Up close and even at a distance he looked like just another dowdy looking faculty member (I guess like his brother).  But he seemed like a really nice guy and he did give a great show.  He sang his Carolina song that night, not his brother's, but both are beautiful.

As is this time of year under Carolina blue skies, "breathing that clean fine southern air."

Last week we saw a lot of Carolina blue around here.  Sandee and I spent an entire day playing hooky from life under those Carolina blue skies along the banks of the Maryland side of the Potomac.  I suppose it didn't really matter where our feet were, our minds were in fact in those Carolina blue skies.

I've driven past Point of Rocks, MD several times and I knew it was just the type of quaint place Sandee and I would enjoy.  And even more importantly it is a great place to shove off in a kayak with a gentle current and a lot of interesting topography to enjoy.  We got to the river just before noon and shoved off from the banks, just below Rt. 15.  The currents were rather strong on this day so we labored up river first enjoying the warm air.  We came across an old lock-keepers house along the canal and got out and walked  up.  It is available for rent and Sandee said how nice it would be to spend a weekend there.  The house seemed somewhat primitive but the thought of spending a thought-free weekend with Sandee under primitive conditions seemed delightful.  We stopped on some rocks out in the river and sunned ourselves and talked much about nothing in particular.  The float back down river was much easier.  We went just past our start and paddled over to Heater Island in the middle of

the river.

Once there we explored the primitive foot worn trails.  Several vines hung from tall trees.  I jokingly swung on one and Sandee gleefully joined in, she is so child-like and joyful.  We talked about swinging from tree to tree in loin-clothes.  The thought got me to thinking how nice it would be to see Sandee in a loin-cloth.  We were alone on the island but on the southern side we felt completely detached from the world.  Under a tree and overlooking the river and the banks on the Virginia side I wrapped my arms around her from behind, kissed her neck, and breathed in the floral scent of her hair.  My hand moved down below her wait and into her yoga pants.  She sighed in her sweet, soft, feminine voice.  We retreated a few paces inland and found a sturdy fallen tree trunk.  I sat down and pulled Sandee's hips to me and ran my hands inside her pants and down the length of her legs.  She bent over and did likewise with me.  Half-naked she then straddled me.  Kissing her, feeling her chest to mine, and her hips moving across mine, it did not take long for us to orgasm together.  I remained in her for some time looking into her eyes and intermittently kissing, not saying much just taking in the moment.

We paddled back to the mainland and loaded up the kayaks.  I was hungry and their was a little restaurant close by.  However, pulling out of the parking lot I saw a sign for a local creamery.  We drove just a little East and came across Rock Point Creamery, a wonderful little shop with delicious homemade ice cream.  Kids were now coming in, obviously just out of school and onto their afternoon snack I suppose.  The ordinariness of the moment was tranquil and fulfilling.

From Point of Rocks we crossed the river again, this time by car.  I'm sure Sandee thought I was just going home but I had another destination in mind.   We drove down several country roads and then emerged by one of my favorite Loudoun County vineyards.  This is a special place for us, the first place I kissed Sandee beside the little pond adjacent to the tasting room.  We sat again at that same place and enjoyed the now late afternoon sun.

Even though we were not in Carolina, it was truly a lovely Carolina day.

Thinking now of the day I am reminded of another wonderful late-May day 21 years ago under Carolina blue skies.

Shannon and I had recently watched the Last of the Mohicans.
The movie is set in the Adirondack Mountains of New York.  But good tax breaks in North Carolina obviously convinced the movie makers to film down south.  The ending scenes of the movie were filmed at Chimney Rock, a gorgeous outcropping of granite overlooking Lake Lure that also features the dramatic 400 foot Hickory Nut Falls.  Shannon and I played hooky from life one day and drove across the state to Chimney Rock and enjoyed the beautiful late May day.  The only thing as wonderful as the sweet mountain air in my lungs was the feel of Shannon in my arms, kissing her a few paces off the trail along a glittering swift mountain stream.

Back then she was so laid back and in the moment.  At the time I knew I would be transferred soon with my company.  I knew I liked her, I was not sure I loved her.  Shannon was considering graduate school and surely didn't want to pass on life just to be with me.  But for now none of that mattered, just that we were there together under Carolina blue skies.

JT and LT

As the day got late we left and found a beautiful bed and breakfast with a vacancy and we decided to stay the night.  We were hot and tired and the deep, warm bath in the quaint country room was delightful.  We got out of the tub and didn't even bother drying off just flopping on the bed and falling into one another.  Our wet bodies glided over one another.

This was one of our first days together and probably the first time I saw myself spending a life with her.  Surely if one day could be so perfect, a life together would be more than wonderful.  If everyday life could just be so sweet?

I guess what's important to know is that,

"while taking care of business I found my Carolina day,
didn't let me down."

But I Came Out Lookin' Just the Same

"couln't quote you no Dickens, Shelly, or Keats

'cause it's all been said before

make the best out of the bad, just laugh it off

you didn't have to come here anyway.

So remember, every picture tells a story, don't it."

This weekend I'm off for what should be a wonderful and in my opinion much earned vacation.  My wife's travels provide her many perks such as free airline miles, car rentals, and hotel nights.  She travels a lot and so those perks can accrue to a pretty nice level. Mix that with the little bit I can throw in and our dual incomes can afford some nice trips.  While the perks stay fairly consistent year to year they were at this level four years ago when we decided to go to the island we will fly to this weekend.  Four years ago I had given up on things, I was just tagging along.  I know you are thinking, "weren't you guys going to some romantic island?" We were but our girls were along as well so while in a Caribbean paradise it was all family time. Two nights before we left I watched CNN in bed and listened to an interview about a strange website. The next day I googled that website and learned more about it and signed on.  That impulse started a lifestyle.  That lifestyle changed me immeasurably.

Signing onto that website seemed significant in and of itself.  The outcomes and adventures of the relationships developed from that association have been rich and in retrospect very rewarding.  But as I sit here typing I feel that website was just a gateway, the first step towards change.  The real change was the blog.  Soon after starting this adventurous journey on that odd website I realized I wanted to tell my story just like those other bloggers I had now found.  The telling of the story enriched the experience.  Telling made me better at the website game.  Becoming better at the website game made for better stories.  Better stories made for better blogging and so on and so on.

And so I went forward as months went on to years.  The people I met through the website and even moreso through the blog began to shape me.  I changed or rather began to evolve.  I like to think it gave me some of that swagger back that I'd lost a few years before.  Or maybe it just gave me a reason to go to the gym. Funny thing, while I was at that gym I formed some relationships that really helped move my career forward in a big way.  A way that is just now coming to fruition. But we are talking about work now and that was supposed to be in my past that was of no fun.  

But my dad did say "son you better see the world..."  And that I did or at least seemed to do as I cruised that world wide web and blogosphere.

Unfortunately he also said "don't lose your head to a women that'll spend your bread.."  That I don't think I learned.

Each adventure was a new path but then one day you realize you've searched along so many paths they all seem to be the same and ultimately have the same terminus.  And of course then you realize that you are just telling the same story over and over again.

Now I've got my new job which really seems like a return to the old me.  And we are heading back to that Caribbean island we visited four years ago.

Yeah, I started to call this post "the More Things Change the More They Stay the Same."  I wanted something evocative.  But who wants to use lyrics from a hair metal band called Cinderella to be evocative.

Not I!  So as I think about this weekend I find myself saying...

"Every picture tells a story, don't it, don't it, every picture tells a story baby...."

Yes, Rod tells a pretty good story!

For So Many Years I've Wondered Who You Are

or When Ryan Met Shannon

I really thought of just using "When Ryan Met Shannon" as the title today.  It sounded so "When Harry Met Sally!"  But as so often happens I hear a song and then realize that is the title for the post.  So of course on the way to work the other day I heard this song on XM Radio's First Wave and thought hmmm.

OMG, I'd like some of that sister love!

Btw who doesn't like a Swedish super group.  This song, "The Sign" made Ace of Base famous along with two other tracks from their debut album.  An interesting footnote is that Ace of Base is/was comprised of Ulf Ekberg and the three Berggren siblings (two of whom are smoking hot sisters one blond, one red headed; just like I like it).  They are the third most successful band ever from Sweden after Abba and Roxette.  Sure it's pop sugar but it has a catchy beat and who can resist two hot chics like that!  It's like having your blond and eating your red-head too!  My only question is why do those hot Euro girls always surround themselves with those dorky Euro guys!

But another footnote that might be overlooked is that that song, "the Sign," was the #1 hit in the US way back in spring, 1994 when a successful young entrepreneurial go-getter by the name of Ryan met a young, naive, incredibly hot, slightly grunge'ish/industrial techno rave girl named Shannon in a mid-sized mid-Atlantic southern town.

Yeah, back in April, 1994 surely nobody would have seen "the sign."  Two people could have been no more different.  We were like Wynona Ryder and Ben Stiller in Reality Bites.  Except this time dorky Ben wins out over that dirty, grungy, goeted Ethan Hawke-like dude and Wynona ends up running the company.

Looking back I was such a guy.  You see, I was a late bloomer/perverbial "nice guy."  I'm not sure which came first but the bottom line was I didn't get laid much in my early college days.  Something changed in me around 20 and I decided I was too good looking and funny to go around horny without prospects any longer.  I got some courage and later some confidence and sort of took off in my last few years of college.  And you guessed it, I started to become a guy.

Knowing Shannon then and certainly now you would never see her as falling for "a guy" like the guy I was back then.  And back in spring, 1994 I surely was not looking for a relationship; I was too interested in enjoying the fruits of my new found confidence.  But it's just when you ain't looking for "it" that "it" so often happens.  It's probably the fact that you are not looking for "it" that makes you confident, laid back, and thus more yourself.  And then it's all those things together that end up making you all the more attractive and of course making "it" find you just when you are not looking for "it."

Looking back I surely didn't deserve her at the time.  I ended up doing everything possible to screw things up.  I remember she would stop by every day to see me at work.  We always spent a few moments chatting over morning coffee about anything and everything.  But my politeness mixed with nonchalance I believe had her curious and curiosity is always what gets the girl even when you are not trying.  She had her own work related reasons for seeing me but it didn't take long for my best work friend (Greg the hipster nouveau Elvis fan) to say "dang dude she's into you, when you goin' to snang that thang!"  See we were totally guys!

Eventually I decide why not?  So I asked Shannon to join me and the boys for a night of local minor league hockey (wow, what a romantic you say).  Well that was my little "dip the toes in the water" ploy.  If things went well I'd ditch the boys and go elsewhere.  If not?  Well there was always beer and hockey fights!  Ladies, this is what you call guy logic.

Things did go well at the hockey game.  Shannon seemed into me and she was certainly WAY hot.  She was cute at work but now completely dressed to impress, I was in fact - impressed.  Enough impressed to say to the group, "hey we should go check out the **** at **** after the game (note - local band at local club)."  Shannon said "sure."  The guys, on cue of course, said they needed to make it an early night.  This is what's called bro-code, we were such guys.

We had a great time at the bar and in fact closed it down.  I took her home.  Nothing happened that night but we made plans for the next weekend.

That next weekend we made plans to see a band at the ***** *****.  We were going to meet around 9 pm.  Problem is a side bar happened.  The type of side bar that only happens to guys.

Kelly II looked like this Melissa

You see about this time that Shannon was chasing me and I was considering being caught I had been contemplating chasing Kelly II.  You see Kelly II was this hot girl from my company's office the next town over.  She was friends with my college friend, Meredith, who I had gotten a job for at this office (I'm telling you Ryan is a great friend to have).  I still liked Meredith but Kelly II had really nice tits and I was pretty sure she was into me.  Now you are probably asking, "why call her Kelly II Ryan?"  See that's because there was a new girl in my office, who I referred affectionately to as Kelly I (because you know there were two Kelly's I knew).  Kelly I had even better tits and about the most awesome ass I'd ever seen.  Btw, both Kelly's were blond, were the proverbial flirty sorority chics, and had just graduated from college; Kelly 2 from ACC Football State U and Kelly I from Carolina Party School State U.  Kelly I was married (her college sweetie) to a very handsome guy who had exactly ZERO personality.  The old boss had asked Ryan, the young gun, to help train Kelly I, an assignment I most certainly desired to complete earnestly.  Kelly I and I had a habit of working into the early evening and sometimes I gave her a ride home.  Her husband worked late and I'd keep her company because I was a gentleman.  We got to be very good friends.  I'd love to say we got to be "those" type of friends but that didn't quite happen.  Unfortunately back in 1994 I'd yet to discover the joys of having sex with married women.  Anyway, both Kelly I and Kelly II were both
hot, kind of like dueling Melissa Joan Harts.  But I'm digressing now, but again you see - total guy!

Kelly I looked like this Melissa

Anyway, the side bar that happened is that Kelly I asked me to go to one of those "Friday After 5" things after work.  This didn't seem to be a problem, I wasn't going to see Shannon until 9 pm.  I'd hang with Kelly I at the big outdoor party (which btw Hooty and the Blowfish were playing at, this before they became Jock Rock celebs).  Kelly I and I had a great time.  It was now about 7 pm and Kelly I wanted to go to dinner.  How could I say no.  So we sat down to dinner at a place close by.  The place was (as my granddad would say) "slow as smoke off a turd."  See guy talk!

Long story short - I didn't leave the restaurant until about 9:05 pm and it was about a 20 minute drive to the bar where I was supposed to meet Shannon.  Geez, guys get into the most trouble when all we want to do is get laid!

Actually, give me credit for being considerate.  I had called my roommate Joey around 8:55 realizing my predicament and had asked him to go to the bar where I was supposed to meet Shannon and cover for me for a few minutes.  He was on the couch drinking beer and watching the Rangers and wouldn't budge!  It's a real shame when a guy won't cover for another guy isn't it!

Which by the way, Joey, it's been 20 years but FU!  Hey, I really shouldn't say that, Joe is a great guy despite his Jersey mullet.  He was so Jersey, I remember spending about an hour one night trying to explain the meaning to him of the saying "as a crow flies."  Ladies, these are the types of intellectual conversations guys have when we are not chasing women.

Anyway, I rushed to the bar!

When I got to the bar it was so crowded I couldn't get in.  I waited for about 30 minutes, the line didn't move.  Somewhere in there was the girl I was supposed to have sex with later tonight and I couldn't get to her.  See, this is how guys think.

I hung out at a bar across the street which was a combination sleezy bar/laundromat; pathetic, I know.  I watched to see if she left or if I could get in.  The line never moved, nobody was leaving.  In desperation I called her at home.  I know you millennials out there are saying "why didn't you just text her dipshit!"  Well, my young friends if you can believe it Al Gore hadn't invented the internet yet and mobile phones were things only Gordon Gekko had and we certainly hadn't heard of a smart phone.  Luckily, I caught Shannon at home.  She had left a long time ago when I didn't show.  She seemed like she appreciated the phone call but I was sure I had screwed up.  No guy deserves any good will after that you know!

To add insult to injury I had to work the next day (Saturday).  I was miserable, not only hung over but suffering from lack of sex that was oh so close and yet, sadly now, so far away.

I'll let slide this time, you'll pay later!

And yet to my utter amazement about mid-day as I was wandering aimlessly about the store, the front door swung open and an angel walked through.  It was like one of those scenes in Forest Gump when Jenny walks in.  It was Shannon and she had that devilish smile on her face that now gripped me and would end up gripping me for many years.  I didn't deserve this but here she was.  Apparently she was there to give me some grief about the previous night but I knew it was code for "you screwed up buddy but you're lucky, I like you.  You have one more chance, you better make it count!"

Well, when you phrase thoughts like that a guy understands.  The next weekend we took a day trip up to the mountains for a hike and a nice dinner at a country inn. It was a gorgeous day and Shannon enjoyed it and the ride in my fancy sports car with the good sound system and sun roof.  I had her now.  When we got back to her place I remember we watched the Stand.  For the next few nights our new habit would be to watch the Stand and then have sex.  The first night it was getting to know you sex.  By the time Trash Man blew up Las Vegas I was lifting her onto the kitchen counter and screwing her as hard as I could with her legs wrapped around me.  I remember as I grabbed her ass I knocked over a wine glass and cut myself.  I didn't care I was so into it.  I remember after I had blood running down my arm and it was on her back.  It just made us hornier and we had sex again on the couch after she patched me up a bit (which was also hot).

She had red hair back then

A few weeks later I took her to the beach.  Back then she was still the naive girl impressed that a guy had a credit limit large enough to front an Ocean View room and dinner to boot.  I had never had so much sex and looking back never as much sense probably.

Looking back it's so hard to imagine that such a typical guy could have won the interest of such a brainy, cerebral, girl.  And now looking back it's even harder to imagine that the smart, savy, world traveling women that girl became has decided to keep that same guy around for so many years.

Oh well, 20 years later and I don't think either of us have really seen the sign!  But here we are nonetheless.   :)

I Got a Girl

You know I have a rule of thumb I use when I have tough decisions.  It's the "sigh of relief rule."  Do whatever makes you breath a sigh of relief.  If you do what makes you breath a sigh of relief you are doing what is in your gut and you likely won't have regrets.

Problem is I never take my own best advice.  So when I can't use my first rule I go with a song to show me what to do.  Well, when it comes to me and girls that rarely works either but lets give it a try.

But first, I left you with a cliffhanger of sorts last month (or was it April) concerning an old e-mail queen friend of mine - Mrs. Decorator II.  Well in life we find out often we are who we are.  Mrs. Decorator is an e-mail queen.  That is who she was when I met her and no matter how much she said she wanted to see me that is who she remained.  But hey, it's good we can count on things staying the same like e-mail Queens, stupid Republicans, and the fact I'll always get a sunburn on my first day at the beach (psst...., I was on vacation two weeks ago which is why I have not been posting that much).

But let's analyze where I am.  And since I have no idea what the *uck I should do let's do it to a neo-psychodelic 90's punk band from Dallas.  You know the song (I Got a Girl) is not exactly "Hey Jude," but then I'm not exactly Dostoyevski.

I got a girl who lives with me                 Shannon
I got a girl she smells so sweetly             Sandee
I got a girl she loves her dog                   Sandee
I got a girl I love her dog too                   Sandee (he is very cute)
I got a girl who stares in the mirror          Shannon
I got a girl who blames it on her period   Shannon
I got a girl she is so right                          Shannon
I got a girl she's my guiding light             Shannon (or is it that she kicks my ass into the light)

Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher

I have a girl who loves good soul            Shannon (she can sing too)
I got a girl who dances the disco              Shannon (and oh can she move)
I got a girl who wears cool shoes             Sandee
I got a girl who wears them in the nude   Sandee
I got a girl who speaks her mind              Shannon
I got a girl who will argue anytime          Shannon
I got a girl she is so small                         Sandee
I got a girl she'll knock down any wall    Shannon

Well I know, I need, I fell we're going higher and higher

Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down (Shannon)
Asking questions with her little frown

I can't take much much more of this, I'm out
Get a load of this she's always bitching at me when I'm feeling down (Shannon)
Asking questions with her little frown

I can't take much more of this, I'm out

I got a girl I love to kiss                            Sandee
I got a girl I never wanna miss                  Sandee/Shannon (the whole problem)
I got a girl who's my best friend                Sandee
I got a girl that won't even hold my hand  Shannon
I got a girl that makes me laugh                 Sandee
I got a girl I'll make her laugh too              Sandee
I got a girl she has girlfriends                     Sandee
I got a girl I like her girlfriends                  ???? (what guy cares unless they are hot)

Well I know, I need, I feel we're going higher and higher

I got a girl and she's got a guy                    Ryan

So what would you do?

Well May was oh so much fun.  It was finally nice outside so Sandee and I got back into kayaking as well as our secret missions to our secret island gettaway.  I remembered to take a towel this time so we had a place to land once on our secret island in the river, if you know what I mean.

On another day we went zip-lining at a nearby park.

After zip-lining we went for a walk in an adjacent park.   After a few paces Sandee just hugged me and said "thank you, Ryan, that was so much fun."  We walked for about a mile and sat down on a bench underneath some trees.  The beautiful park was below us and some Orioles were near chirping (probably mad at our presence).  Sandee thanked me again.  She sat on my lap and pressed a kiss to me.  She plunged her tongue into my mouth and kissed me deeply, practically swallowing me.  After a long kiss I looked into her eyes.  I am not so sure I have ever seen someone look back at me with the same level of warmth.  She was thankful but I don't think so much for the simple act of taking her zip lining but for putting together a day that she would enjoy and that she could enjoy with me.

I also really tried to be nice to Shannon.  We actually went for some evening walks and she joined me on a wine tasting event.  But each time things seemed kinder and gentler the wall went up as soon as I tried to kiss her or even just hug her.  The message was clear, detente was all that was desired.

Bottom line, I felt like a jerk.  I'm just not the type of guy who can have the type of day above with Sandee and then come home and feel good about hugging and kissing my wife (even if both ladies are incredibly hot).  I needed to come to some conclusions.

Of course in this limbo us guys can drift at times.  Perhaps there was a third option, easier and more fun.  Perhaps I could go rogue like John Cusack in "Say Anything," piloting a solitary blogging ship chasing new ladies and new adventures leaving all this emotional stress behind.

Yes, that's it; let's just focus on blogging - and we need more stuff.

How might we do that; this AM and POF stuff seems kind of stale anymore doesn't it.  That's right you'd check out Facebook because somebody you know mentioned they knew Alecia and you were curious.  And so you wrote her a note on Facebook just saying hi.  And omg a few days later, she friended you!  And omg, when you didn't respond to her friend request she sent you a note 2 days later asking why you didn't.  And so you accepted the friend request.  And then you saw her on FB one day and started "chatting."  And then you mentioned getting together for a drink and she said yes.

OMG, that's not in that song.  WTF Ryan, can't you do anything simply!

One Never Knows Do One

Fats Waller was a jazz icon famous for several works such as "This Joint is Jumping" and "Ain't Misbehavin.'"  He is also famous for that great one-liner above "one never knows do one?"  I love a good malapropism like that.  It seems so obvious that even someone like me can understand it.  And yet perhaps it's true meaning is not so ephemeral.  I suspect it has something to do with balancing the reality of outcomes with life's journey, the pursuit of happiness, passion, and the search for reason.  Life gives you so many paths and you do your best to choose the right one.  However, in the end, you just don't know what life will deal you.  Then again the quote could really just mean "one never knows..." as in you never know what's going to happen when you eat at that Mexican place next to the railroad tracks?  It might be great.  You might end up just having gas.  You might get the *hits.  Or you might die of E Coli?  One just never knows, do one?  :)

As you know I write a lot about this woman in my life named Shannon.  In the blog she is my wife. Of course no idiot would use his wife's real name in his blog so that is not really her real name.  I use the name Shannon because my wife (not really Shannon) reminds me of this girl I had a major crush on in high school named Shannon.  Her name really is Shannon which of course would be stupid to really use her actual name in a blog but then again nobody really ever nominated me for a Nobel Prize in Smartness!  Then again maybe I'm being like Fats Waller and talking in circles just to confuse everyone which would be entirely possible if I were able to orchestrate something such as that.  But then again we are talking about me so how likely is it that any of that is the case.

But lacking something to write about I thought it might be nice to tell the story of the real Shannon and how she relates to my Shannon or rather my "not-Shannon."



Back then she looked like Selena 

Shannon was a bit nerdy through middle and early high school.  For some reason I remember me knowing she had a crush on me during those years.  When she returned for her senior year for some reason she was the "it" girl.  It wasn't that she went off and got breast implants or took a class on how to give a good BJ.  She just became the "it" girl.  "It" was really about attitude.  For some reason Shannon decided to be the "it" girl and everything about how she dressed and how she carried herself was "it."  In hindsight I really have to admire that.  I noticed her "it'ness" pretty quickly but I was not quick enough.  A friend of mine asked her out early in the year and soon they began dating.  They dated for all of our Senior year.  Toward the end of the year they broke up.  I thought I had a chance but alas fate always seemed to step in the way.  The sick thing is that she had at least three friends that were all interested in me and that were all arguably as attractive.  One of those girls has even achieved some fame as a consultant to a fairly high ranking government official.  I could tell you but he'd probably have to kill you!  :)

But silly me always had to chase the "it" girl and that "it" girl (Shannon) was always just beyond my reach.

We went on to college, me to Big State U and her to another local school that was basically the school you went to if you didn't get into Big State U.  Let's call it C+ State U.  Over the next several years I would see Shannon occasionally.  By my estimate she was a sorority party girl majoring in an MRS degree.  That was C+ State U's specialty!  At times I thought about the fact that she was so smart in middle school but had chosen a rather superficial pathway.  I lamented that she could have been much more.  Or maybe it was just sour grapes and I was really lamenting on how much more she could have been if she had been with me!  It's probably the latter.    :)

I graduated and went my way and I assume she went hers.  I did not see her again until our 10th high school reunion.  I know it would be great now to say we hooked up at that reunion.  But I had just gotten married to a hot young woman fresh off a Liberal Arts degree.  I was so proud carrying my Shannon around that I barely noticed the real Shannon.  I think I remember speaking to her briefly. I also remember she was one of the few who already had kids and she was on the arms of a very successful looking gentleman who I believe is a lawyer.  It seems we had both achieved our desires in life.

At this same point in time my Shannon, as I said above, had just graduated college with a Liberal Arts degree two years prior.  To many she may as well have been preparing for an MRS degree and had found her future soul-VP-mate in Ryan (that's me Ryan Beaumont not the Republican, you know, VP candidate - but you get that I suppose).  Anyway, Shannon had started graduate school but in truth was only discovering who she might be able to become.

At that 10 year reunion there was not much mystery to Shannon and Shannon, just two gorgeous women with their successful husbands enjoying the night.

Now let's fast forward 10 years later to our 20th reunion.  I remember the planners of the reunion put together a little portfolio of bios for all the attendees.  I was glad to see that Shannon was attending and read her bio with great interest.  Based on our 10 year reunion I was expecting Homeroom Mom, Secretary of the PTA, Girl Scout Troop Leader, yada, yada.  But to my surprise her bio was ripe with silly and funny comments about dealing with her teens and the musical fads of the day and low and behold a work bio that included what was becoming a very successful career in real estate.  Suddenly I was very curious to find out how life had turned out for my Shannon (or rather the real Shannon, I was all too aware of how life was turning out for my Shannon).

On the night of the reunion I did see Shannon.  Again, I really didn't speak to her at length.  I noticed her hubby was greyer, considerably chubbier, and had a certain dejected beaten down by life aura that was in stark contrast to his confidence he projected at the 10 year reunion.  I also noticed he and Shannon couldn't be any farther away from one another in that room.  Shannon herself was gorgeous and had not added anything to her petite frame except style and even more confidence.  Shannon had long left the nerdy shy image of her middle school years and even, though quite affable, had apparently left the party girl image of her college years.  Now she was a powerful woman that commanded a room.  I suspect even the most confident man would be tested by her.  I know this as this had become my experience with the confident powerful Shannon I had shared a life with for some years now.

I know, it would have been nice to be writing now that I scored with Shannon that night.  But hell, I didn't even score with my Shannon (who of course is not really Shannon).  My Shannon and I had similarly grown apart.  While we toured our various conversations that night in tandem, in reality we were miles apart.  But for a few moments on a balcony outside the reception I did look into Shannon's (the real Shannon) piercing stormy blue grey eyes and I realized that really those were the eyes I had been looking into for the past ten years.  That in fact my Shannon had turned out so very much like the real Shannon or was it vice versa.  If you have read my Shannon's Stories you will know this is true.

In the end I realized the Shannon I once sought was really the Shannon that I had won.  And the Shannon that I had won had become the Shannon that I had once sought.  And of course the Shannon that I had won was the Shannon that I had lost.  And part of what made me lose her was the fact that she had become the Shannon that I had never won.

In the end "one never knows, do one!"

Author's Note:  In writing this I could not help doing some google stalking.  Shannon (the real) is still doing great and looking great.  On her company "About Us" page she has those two letters "V.P" in front of her name just like my Shannon.  And Ryan just plugs on along tapping out blog post on that Potomac ridge.....

Set Fire to the Rain

I'm bad at closure and I am a natural born conciliator.  That tends to make me look like a beta but I'm not.  I just like people to walk away from knowing me with a positive feeling.  I think more than Alpha/Beta it's the client services training that has been ingrained into me.  In spite of finding more balance in my life in the past decade, as Shannon would say I am often still in "work mode" even when I'm not working and I apply that "work mode" to a lot of things I do in life.

As I approached the holidays tension between Shannon and I was reaching a fevered pitch.  I broached the subject of me leaving again.  I had a plan for an inexpensive place to live where financially we would not have to make many sacrifices which really translated to "the girls" would not have to sacrifice for our sins.  This time Shannon hedged a bit; she didn't push back.  I found myself breathing a sigh of relief.  Perhaps a vision of Sandee and I together 6 months hence was possible.

A few nights later Shannon and I had another fight.  We had planned a ski trip out west.  I thought the money would be misspent, we could ski locally for much less and after all is this really what we should be doing right now.  Shannon insisted she was going and I could just stay home.  This was a further testament that we should split.  Nothing says I care for you like saying "if you don't want to go then don't, see you later."  As heart wrenching as this was, a light at the end of the tunnel was emerging or so it seemed.

It was tough to spend time with Sandee now though because it was the holidays.  Also, I am ever the corporate person "promise less and deliver more," so I dared not tell her of how close I was to the brink with Shannon.  I did not want to give her false hope, knowing how close she was to the brink with her husband.  It would have been so easy to look into her eyes and say "come away with me."  In my gut I felt a word from me would yield an outpouring of feelings from her.  I was sure she was holding back waiting for me.  But I cared too much for her and I'm just not the kind of guy that will say anything to get a woman to have kinky sex with him.  It's odd to say but sex is not that important to me to have to mislead a woman for it.  Maybe that makes me a good guy or maybe just a Prima Donna.

A few days later Shannon and I had another discussion.  This time there was not an argument.  Shannon said she did not want a divorce and she did not want me to leave.  She wanted me on the ski trip not just as a partner but because she wanted me there.  We talked of our failings and she admitted to her's.  This seemed heartfelt though as always as I came away from it feeling like a constituent after meeting their congressman, a lot of kind words but nothing concrete.  How often had I read a word, a smile, or a slight touch as an opening for a better marriage just to find that it was a token carrot to keep me following.  This did not feel real but I wanted it to be so.  Even after all these years I found myself cheering for Shannon and I to succeed.  Yes, I look at other women but how ironic was it that often when I was with those other Ashley Madison women I really wished I was with Shannon (isn't it supposed to work the other way in this cheating lifestyle).  To say I was confused would would be an understatement.

We did go on the trip.  I planned a whole post about it but never got around to writing it.  I had a catchy silly theme about landing on the plant Caucasian, as I've never been to a more Lilly-white place than this quaint ski resort high in the mountains.

We did have fun, it is always fun with the girls.  Shannon is the master of keeping me close but not too close; feeling like we are making progress when we are really just treading water.  I really don't know why she wants it this way other than I know she is scared as well about what follows divorce.  I also know that she had difficult relationships in her formative years and that has created in her a need to build walls to the outside world, keeping people out and protecting her emotions.  She is so diligent at preserving her toughness that she feels the need to hurt before being hurt.  She is ever the inevitable paradox striking out and inflicting damage before being damaged and then feeling entitled to her outrage when the inevitable response is the churlishness that she originally expected.

The new year brought many new fights and challenges between Shannon and I.  I was like a ping pong.  One day I felt good about where I was with Shannon the next I was ready to run away from it all.  One morning we actually cuddled in bed, more touching than we had done in many years.  But the wall was always there and I knew I was not welcome beyond a certain point of cordiality.  I could tell she was making an effort to be close but the simple fact that it required an effort was disturbing.  Pheromones were not at work here, in fact gravity was pulling us apart despite our best efforts.  I didn't want someone to have to be intentional about emotions with me!  I wanted someone to feel pulled by emotions toward me and I wanted to feel that same way towards someone.

I was sure that someone was Sandee because every time I was with Sandee it felt so right.  I knew I was at a crossroads.  There was a path for me and Sandee if I chose to take it and I saw it as a much happier path.  That path lead to companionship and caring; excitement and fun and yes that deep love of someone who daily breaths a sigh of relief that they were lucky enough to find you and be with you.  And of course I felt like I would be truly lucky to be with someone as sweet, fun-loving, caring, and let's face it as gorgeous as Sandee.

But ever the conciliator I still could not pull the trigger on my marriage.  As February faded the next vacation trip faced us.  Again I said I did not want to go.  Again I said we should be saving rather than spending.  Again, Shannon said "OK, if you want to save money then don't go (meaning she would take the girls and I would stay behind)."  Again I called her bluff and said OK.  And once again she said after all she did want me to go.  The week before our vacation Shannon was on a business trip and was in a car accident.  I was very worried for her.  I wished I could be the protector for her but I was far away and could not help.  She persevered and got back home, I marvel at her toughness.  I think the fact that I did show such concern moved her but unfortunately not by much.

So like Shannon

I remember in the movie "Up in the Air" the character Alex says something prophetic to the young protege.  She says don't make more than your husband.  I know that sounds so misogynistic and old fashioned but in the days following Shannon's accident I did feel helpless.  She was the 6 figure spouse travelling and earning points and mileage out on the road.  Sure I have a great job as well, a job many would consider very successful but in the end at this point would Shannon ever think herself lucky to have ended up with Ryan?

I guess that is the big question now after all the stories and all the adventures.  What path is the lucky path, the path that leads to happiness and perhaps more important to relief and tranquility.

As I stand here I have to say I am as open to suggestion as I was the first day I signed onto Ashley Madison.  But at least I'm caught up in my story and if this feels like a cliffhanger it is.  The only difference is that this time I don't know the ending.  Hopefully I'll find it soon.

Imagine Me and You, I Do

The Setting:  A quaint tavern in Ryan's rustic bedroom community outside DC.  The town is bedazzled in the lights of Christmas and the tavern is full of happy guests.  

As we walked into the room I casually glanced over to her.  She radiated beauty and gleamed with happiness.  I knew we were right where she wanted to be; for once I was right, her prince.  As we walked in she lit up the room, she always does.  She always gets that attention.  I was proud to be with her.  I know women look at her and think she has it all (style, beauty, and class) and men look at me and think I've got it all in her.

Yeah, that is not quite the image of Cinderella when the prince notices the beautiful girl from across the room.  But when you are married you tend to become ONE singular image to the outside world.  You are no longer known as Ryan or Shannon, you are the Beaumonts or really more often ******'s dad or mom.  But if you are having a little soiree and need some witty banter about NASCAR and ribs sprinkled with dialogue on the best facial cremes used by the in-crowd and the coolest styles, gadgets, and reading lists in the New Yorker you'll want to invite the Beaumonts.  I'll let you guess who among Ryan and Shannon is the authority on which subject!  :)

Hey I'm into NASCAR and alternative fuels

What am I talking about today?  Couples dating!

No not that couples dating, I'm not cool like some of those Hot-wifing sites.  I'm just talking about the normal old Honeymooners type stuff.  You know what I mean, the couples you enjoy spending time with.  Really it ends up being just like high school, stressing out over what they think of you, are you right for them, do we measure up to a University professor and an Assistant District Attorney?  Are you an introverted couple or an extroverted couple; alpha or beta?

Hey buddy get your hands off your wife

Yes on that night we were joining a group of parents for our annual gathering as our offspring practiced for their holiday ballet recital.  Yes a night of free after-care!  This was about our third year of doing this and yes Ryan who typically doesn't care to walk to the drum-beat of alpha or beta had organized the first grand fete two years back.  There is Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the younger) and the other Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the elder).  The Elder lawyers are very interesting because no matter where you talk about they have been there and either played golf or skied.  Best thing though is that Mr. Elder Lawyer is a full partner and probably a full on alcoholic and after his 3rd Scotch everything is on him!   There is also Mr IT Analyst and his wife Mrs Doctor.  There is Mrs Marketing Analyst and her husband Mr State Trooper.  Yes quit the nice gang.

Anyway, as I said this is about our third time doing this and the second time which is now about a year and a half ago I mentally thought out a post.  So now here I am actually doing it.

I could be seen with them

It occurred to me that once your married and the kids are old enough to be a little on their own you start to want to get back into the social scene.  And that is when you realize that you need to meet other couples.  You start to think which couples would compliment my passions of NASCAR and BBQ?  Does their hair color and choice of style compliment my Olive green eyes?  Will they accept the fact that I'm fiscally conservative yet still think Mitt Romney should pay some taxes.  Will they get that some things I'm serious as a heart attack over (like Big State U football) and most other things not so much.  Will they understand that I respect their reverence for the environment but NO I ain't givin' up Filet Mignon and that is not an insult to their cause.

Cute but don't make me look bad

Really it gets you to thinking the same way you did back in college.  My ideal couple would be good looking.  They don't have to have big tits.  In fact if she is a C cup I could care less.  But if the dude has big man boobs they are out immediately!  I would like them to be fit.  In fact I'd like to be able to go skiing or perhaps a hike along the Appalachian Trail. But no I ain't doing no triathlons   They don't have to be too smart, in fact to be honest I'd like them smart but not quite as smart as me.  They need to understand sports.  They don't have to be Bobby Knight but at least know what to cheer about.  I can take some alternate views on politics but I don't want them to be too much in my face.

So where does that leave you.  Well back in the day after I had sized up every chick in the DZ and DDD house and turned my nose at everyone I finally settled in on the best looking one that could tolerate me for more than 5 minutes (which means the one that would screw me a second time).  Well, as I said this is not about hot-wifing so in the end the ideal couple is the one who is available and that I can tolerate and who can tolerate me.  See, same as in college.


Actually the song above is pretty special to me.  I remember way back in 3rd grade I had a teacher, Mrs. C. She was very pretty; my first teacher crush.  Thinking back I suspect she had pretty nice tits as well but back then a shy 10 year old boy could develop just a little crush over a sweet smile, long brunette hair, and a lovely voice.  What made me enamored of her was that occasionally she would bring in her guitar and sing to us kiddies.  "Happy Together" was one of the songs I remember her singing and she looked so lovely to my young eyes as she sang.  Funny what I guy will remember.  So this is for you Mrs. C, although I doubt you'd approve of the forum.

There Used to Be a Greying Tower Alone By the Sea

Today's post is a lead into my Monday post which will be a part of Kat's Blog Chain.  I figured I have talked about my affairs through Ashley Madison and in the past month talked a lot about women from my past.  I guess I should say a little about the woman who has shaped the past 18 years of my life more than any other.  And if you are putting 2 + 2 together you can assume that I'll talk a little more about her on Monday in a more alluring way!   :)

enchanted [ɪnˈtʃɑːntɪd]

adj

1. under a spell; bewitched; magical

2. utterly delighted or captivated; fascinated; charmed

I have written a lot about my wife Shannon over the past year in this blog.  I have mentioned a lot about the trials, tribulations, and failures.  In a lot of ways we were doomed from the start and yet are still here held by some spell or enchantment.  But in life it is rare that things are singularly bad (or even good).  For instance we have two lovely daughters that we both adore.  We have a nice home and both have good careers that I think have been driven by one another's successes.  And I have to admit I still have a sence of pride when I walk into a restaurant with her.  How many men I wonder have stared at her and then thought "god that guy is so lucky to get to have sex with that beautiful woman," even if reality is that that rarely if ever happens anymore.

More than anything she is a beautiful woman for whom I am still deeply attracted.  Sure you hear that from a lot of guys; who wouldn't say that about their wife.  But when I say that I mean by beautiful that she is in fact my fantasy more so than any movie starlet I have ever seen on screen.  I know this because the things that attract me to her are not simply the traits of grocery store magazine racks.  It's her beautiful shoulders that give her the perfect silhouette and make cloths hang so well from her body.  It's her long delicate neck that is the perfect transition from her beautiful face to her elegant body.  It's her immaculate skin, her soft hands and her regal and long thin fingers.  It's her "stormy blue-grey" eyes that are so frightening to look at as is a storm over the ocean when she is angry and yet so easy to drown in when she is happy along with that little crinkle next to her eyes that sets them just so.

Anyway I seem to keep coming back to Shannon on my blog; maybe it's hidden meaning as to why I keep figuratively coming back to her in real life.  I am even thinking about doing a "prequel" to my Shannon story down the road.

But for now a song the other day reminded me of a few short times when things were good.  I guess every couple needs a song and our's (for me at least) has always been that Seal song "Kiss from a Rose."  I think it is very telling because it is such a melancholy song that in fact reveals much of our life together.  "My power, my pleasure, my pain" the singer of the song tells of the woman he loves with an almost glorious sadness as if he needs to ration his feelings lest he become completely overtaken with her.  I think that is often how I felt about Shannon.

lone·ly/ˈlōnlē/

Adjective:	Sad because one has no friends or company. Without companions; solitary: "passing long lonely hours looking onto the street".

Is it possible to be lonely as a couple?

I think it is.  We married too young (for her) and lived in a very small town.  I worked too much and she was in graduate school and so we were too occupied and didn't connect emotionally.  Yet in that small town we were young strangers that didn't exactly fit in so we were as a couple alone.  And so we did out of necessity connect in ways such as counting on one another, leaning on one another, being one another's confidant.  As a result of that connection we became indelibly intertwined in ourselves yet disconnected from one another's heart.  Our love was one of camaraderie and perhaps the distant love one feels for a painting that moves you emotionally but for which you can never enter.

But at times it was good, if not glorious.

I remember one weekend I didn't have to work.  We traveled out of town for a football game.  It was about a 2 hour drive.  Whenever we left that small southern town it felt like an escape.  Along the way we heard that song by Seal as we drove down the highway on a gloriously sunny day in the fall.  That song had just come out the past summer on the Batman soundtrack and was popular.

The imagery of that song touched me.  I felt as if I was some knight traveling to see my lady who waited for me in some keep by the grey ocean.

These few times when we escaped that small town were when we were in fact alive.  It did feel like we were the only adventurers riding along perhaps the green hills of Southern England or the Coast of Britannia even if reality was just a stretch of I-10.

And those were the times when it was good.  Just she and I and nothing else.  And back then I was her knight.

And at the end of the adventure no woman's body ever felt so good and so right underneath me.  Her small frame and her soft porcelain skin fit so well.  Her mouth the perfect size and shape and so delightfully soft.  Often at the end and after a collective orgasm I would linger in her and sometimes we would even fall asleep still connected.  For that brief moment we were alone in our grey tower on that lonely island and we didn't care.

We were married about the time this song was popular.  I remember going to see Batman the summer after we were married and "Kiss from a Rose" was on that soundtrack.  This song could have been the soundtrack to our life.

A lot of time when I do these little snipets of info about songs on the blog I'll take a look at wiki or one of the many song meaning websites.  I did so with this song and this is what I drew for it

mel·an·chol·y  (mln-kl)

n.

1. Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: "There is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass"(Charles Kuralt).

2. Pensive reflection or contemplation.

3. Archaic

a. Black bile.

b. An emotional state characterized by sullenness and outbreaks of violent anger, believed to arise from black bile.

adj.

1. Affected with or marked by depression of the spirits; sad. See Synonyms at sad.

2. Tending to promote sadness or gloom: a letter with some melancholy news.

3. Pensive; thoughtful.

And that is I guess what I feel for Shannon - melancholy enchantment.

Everybody Loves Me Baby What's the Matter with You

It's my 2nd Ashley Madison Anniversary!
and my 200th post is marked down to 199 for one day only!


A few weeks ago I wrote a tribute to Riff Dog upon the apparent end to his blogging days.  I used the Don McLean American Pie lyrics "The Day the Music Died" as the post title, as it seemed so appropriate.

It got me to thinking about that album.  The funny thing is that famous song is not really my favorite on the album because it has been so overplayed.  That album contains so many great songs like "Vincent" (an ode to Vincent Van Gogh), "Babylon" (a traditional chant), and "Everybody Loves Me Baby."  Like the characters in "The Day the Music Died," "Everybody Loves Me Baby" is one of those songs where you can debate over what it's about.  Some say it's about America.  Others, and I agree, say it's about President Johnson (LBJ) who had so many landmark accomplishments such as Civil Rights and the Great Society yet left office in ill repute over his escalation of the Vietnam War.

Anyway, upon my 200th post and celebration of my 2nd Ashley Madison anniversary I find that song an excellent way to hammer out a good "whiney"post about my marriage and how I have come to this place in life.  Everybody needs a good whine every so often.  Unfortunately I don't have any cheese to go with this post (get it cheese with my whine) but here goes.

Btw, here is what I wrote on my 1st Ashley Madison Anniversary.  Go to my first blog post and you will see what I did on my 1st day on AM.

But Ryan I was counting, why celebrate your 199 post - what are you trying to feed us?  Oh yeah, well you know in my business marketing is very important.  I've gotten to the point where I can't stand to see something priced at say $1.42 or just $20, it irks me.  You see, I'm a slave to marketing and one of the biggest marketing tenants in retail is odd-even pricing.  Odd-even pricing says that psychologically customers will respond to a price of $9.99 better than $10.  Apparently it was originally a tool to make sure cashiers were actually ringing up sales and not counting in their heads.  But it became so prevalent that somebody attached a psychological term to it.  Anyway, since I was too lazy to crank out another post so my AM anniversary would coincide with my 200th post I just decided that visually there would be greater "perceived value" if my 2nd AM Anniversary/200th post post was actually #199.     :)

So on to my whine and cheese for the day.

If I was going to write a thesis for why I joined Ashley Madison it would be this:  "to refute Shannon's assertion that I am a complete ass and to validate Renee's assessment that I was indeed handsome, nice, and even charming."  Well, I guess sex was a big motivator too!  Kat wrote about types of affairs a few months ago - it was a great post (as is the case with all of her posts).

I am not sure what category I fit in.  I can't say I have had an affair of the heart but I am certainly not in this just for sex.  Yet, while I have had some emotional connections I am certainly not in it just for witty e-mails either.  I can get that from my wonderful blogging friends!  However while sex may not be all that's on my mind it sure does pass the time and keep other things off my mind!  Of course Kat and I have a running joke that I'm really just into this to see myself in front of the mirror (like the Pres)!   :)

So really what my relationship with Renee provided was hope.  Of course the President in Hunger Games says a little hope is good, a lot of hope can be dangerous.  So as I logged into Ashley Madison for that first time I was looking for hope.  And I guess I found a lot and yes it has been dangerous.  But also exhilarating.

So what to do with all that hope?  I was in a Diversity Symposium the other day and the speaker said "we are here but we want to go there, how do we do it."  We look for our "North Star."  She said "we find that through daring ingenuity where you are not afraid to fall."  I guess that could be a good analogy for Ashley Madison.

What she also said is that change is easy, if I give you $1 and you give me back 4 quarters we have change.  What we are really looking for is transformation.  Oh and of course desire, for without desire there is no transformation.  She also mentioned something about luck often being the intersection of desire and opportunity.  Yeah, all this stuff relates really well and does describe my transformation with the AM thing.

So anyway, we log onto Ashley Madison and find "an aspirational place to reflect and to dream and to transform."  For me it was very therapeutic to have an opportunity to be intentionally mindful of others in the pursuit of impressing someone else.  Unlike a bar and except for the profile description and photos we have no observable phenotype of the individual we are contacting at first, only their words.  And so we get a vision of who they are (if you are good at writing) or perhaps more importantly their vision of who they want to be instead of a hallucination (which is often a biproduct of being in a bar).

Early on in my AM career I did have fairly good success with just simply getting responses.  That positive mental feedback for being charming, witty, and interesting drove me to endeavor to be even more so.  And with most things in life success drives success.  The more creative I was the more success I had.  Additionally I found the more I was myself the more I was a success.

My first encounter with Alecia showed me that I am someone who can and should be desired by another.  And even more important I found again that great feeling when you desire another and want to be good to them and for them.

Sandra was such a friend.  She made me feel great about myself.  At my age being a "boy toy" is no insult - it's great.  I shared a lot with her.  I told her most of things I done wrong in my marriage.  It was odd to have someone sort of laugh it off as normal forgivable frailties.  Perhaps the things I had done in life, though bad, did not deserve Shannon's sentence of exiled for life.  Keeley made me realize that someone might be willing to go out of their way just to be with me and what a great feeling it is to want to risk something to be with another.  You are in fact most alive when those senses are sparkling throughout your body and you are bursting with anticipation.

And of course now I found Sandee (or rather last fall) and perhaps everything was about to come together. 


Yeah, I guess the best part of all this AM stuff is the people I have met and the affect they have had on me.  I can only hope my affect on them was OK but as that Clint Black song goes "I'm leaving here a better man."

So where to go from here and what to do with Shannon?

As I have said Shannon is a good mom and a gorgeous women.  Certainly someone worth trying everything to keep.  But in the end you can't make people love you and you have to be honest with yourself.  Obviously some things are not meant to be and that is when you have to move on.

So maybe it's a bit of a stretch to say "everybody loves me," but through all this I have realized I am a pretty OK person.

But in the end I am always about bullet points!  So here are my bullet pointed takeaways:

*     Ashley Madison is not for everybody in fact it is not for most people.

*     Ashley Madison is not the end result.  It is at best a guidepost or a North Star if you will.  The light that perhaps inspires you to transform to who you would like to be.

*     Ashley Madison is potentially a tool for self assessment and discovery.  You may find out that in fact you are a jerk!  And then again you might find out that you deserve better.  In the end you will get out what you put in as it is with everything in life.

*     Ashley Madison will get old quickly even for those who like the adventure.  Remember excellence is fleeting.  As soon as you have it, it is gone.   True excellence is fleeting and must be constantly pursued.
*     Like gambling never bet what you are not willing to lose for lose you surely will do in the end; like the Hunger Games the odds are never in your favor.

*     Use AM for healing and hope and pursuit of happiness.  But don't use it for a cure - it is not.

*     Use it to be excellent.  For as Ricky Bobby says "I get up in the morning and piss excellence!"

*     Use it to be more diverse and learn about others and how they got to their place.  Maybe you will understand how you arrived at your place.

*     Be responsible for your outcomes.  It should not be fun if others suffer for your enjoyment.

*     Use it to push you further along on your journey.

 *    Finally as Bill and Ted said "Be excellent to each other!"

And so Dear Shannon I say this to you:

"Yeah, everybody loves me, baby, what's the matter with you?
tell me what did I do to offend you?"