Tuesday, January 31, 2012

TMI Tuesday - Hail to the Redskins!

Even if their team is not going to the Super Bowl, millions of people love an excuse to party. So party we will. Tell us what your ideal Super Bowl Celebration (or any sports party) looks like by answering:
1. What’s your favorite _____ that you’ll serve at the party (name one item for each):
a. choice of beer  - Yuengling or Rolling Rock (maybe Blue Moon)
b. choice of wine - Not into wine but I do like La Crema (pinot)
c. choice of distilled spirit - Not at all into the hard stuff
d. choice of mixed drink - ditto, but I do like a White Russian now and again (not a sports drink though or very manly :)
e. choice of chip - I like local brands like Route 11 Chips around here (flavor = salt/vinegar)
f. choice of dip - I do a Buffalo Chicken dip that is very good
g. choice of take-out food (pizza, burgers, Chinese food, wings, etc) - Are you kidding; why do  take out when I can do it better (I'm working Super Bowl parties anyway so I am the take out or go out)
h. choice of homemade food - chili!
i. choice of salty food - Wings
j. choice of sweet food - Brownies or Blondies/cookie bars
2. What will you wear at the party? My work cloths - I'm working after all :(
3. You will be having your very own half time show at the football party. What is that half-time show? Briefly describe.  I'll be replenishing!
4. What team do you wish was playing in the Super Bowl?  Washington vs Baltimore
5. The NY Giants and New England Patriots are in Super Bowl 2012, who do you want to win?  (ummm…yeah, I had to google that info…LOL)

BonusHave you ever made a football (or Super Bowl) bet that involved sex? Tell us about your own Super Bowl of Sex.  No
My Super Bowl of sex?  Maybe you should keep reading my blog and you'll find out!  :)
Bonus BonusWill you watch the Super Bowl? Do you even care about the Super Bowl? American football at all? What’s your can’t live without sport?  Yes, Yes, No
Hail to the Redskins!  Hail Victory!
Braves on the Warpath, fight for old DC!
Thanks to Virtual Sin for this week’s TMI Tuesday theme and help with the questions.

Monday, January 30, 2012

A New Road's Waiting

So one of the first questions I asked Sandee was "what was your favorite 80's trend."  I think I prefaced that by asking if the 1987 in her e-mail was a graduation date.  She said "the hair dude!  I single-handily ruined the ozone!"  But she also mentioned a lot of music she liked including in her words "all that cheesy 80's music."  She also mentioned a crush on John Bon Jovi but I tried to ignore that.  Anyway, what music is more cheesy than Journey.  And although the above lyric is actually from a song released in 1978 I think it fits here.

Right from the start we were clicking.  And I truly believe it was because I was just being myself with a sprinkle of IJDGAS, that's texting lingo for "I just don't give a (well, you know)."

It worked at the start and seemed to be working now so I figured I should stick with it.

On her first e-mail response back to me she referred to me with my real name combined with a vulgarity.  Then she apologized by saying she was in her words a "(wait for it) yak-ass (you know because I like to kayak) WAH, Wah, wah."  Yes she wrote out that little joke/sound thingy.  I really liked this girl!

Of course I had been picking on her.  Because she said she liked to have F.U.N., I asked her if that was some new texting acronym I was unfamiliar with?  :)  She just said she was emphasizing that she likes to have fun but then signed off that note saying she "had to get back to changing bed pain (talk about F.U.N.); you are so jealous!"

She did say that she had never experienced a guy who enjoys being in the kitchen and that she was "excited about this!"

But I think more importantly we were both looking forward to each others notes throughout the day just to see what the other would say.  I'm pretty sure I was entertaining her and she was definitely entertaining me.

Considering what Sandee said about her excitement with my culinary skills I continued to pour on more food stuff to hopefully turn her on some more.  I also complimented her again on her photos.  I said "you have a rye and witty smile!"

And then she said 2 things that really sealed the deal for me:

1)    "I have to laugh at your use of the word "rye" (as opposed to wry) describing my smile..was that intentional- since you love food? Or were you being, as you say, obtuse again?? I can never tell with you. Yes you're right, I am a tad devilish..and ornery...part of the package deal. Take it or leave it. It's how I roll!! ;)"

She then went on by saying she was "born and bred (not B-R-E-A-D) in the Midwest.  Conceived to...."

2)    "You know, Ryan...you are very witty , charming..and cute!!! You remind me a lot of- ME! lol..."

OMG, it was like the clouds parted; I think this girl gets me.  In fact she is a bit like ME!  She is such a little scamp!  

It's like that cheesey scene in Wedding Crashers when Owen Wilson says "true love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpoint in another."  Except here it's just a sense of humor.  Regardless, I liked it!

No, Sandee is probably not going to lavish praise and drool all over me.  She is going to poke fun at me and let me poke fun back.  But what is important is that I can tell she is smiling when she is saying that.  Isn't that always the fine line between poking fun and ridicule.

Oh yeah and I dropped the question and asked if we could meet for coffee between bed pan changings?

She shot back "so coffee..would heart to do that witcha sometime!! Are we bringing our spouses..like a double date?? (just kidding..calm down...sheesh!) "

Yeah, if I ever get a chance to meet her this Sandee is going to be fun.  I may go down hard but the ride may just be worth it!

Oh, we also started exchanging YouTube and FunnyorDie.com videos of Will Ferrell and talking about our favorite episodes of the Office.  She likes "Diversity Day" I like when Michael tries to "youth-anize" the office.  Yes, Sandee just might be my soul mate???  I just have to meet her now!

And now enjoy this clip of Journey from the Midnight Special.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Bright Spark Might Corner the Market in this Year's Girl

I love Elvis Costello.  One of my all time favorite songs is Allison.  In fact I always wanted to name a daughter Allison and call her Allie (boy I hope Shannon never reads this, I'm nailed now).  For some reason I love girl names you can shorten to y or ie (such as Maddie, Addie, Kathy, etc).  Unfortunately Shannon never went for Allison so I had to settle for naming my dog after my favorite Grateful Dead song.  I did have a roommate who's dog was named Aggie; I liked that name too - for a dog.

But let's not talk about dog names today, let's talk about that Elvis Costello song above or more specifically "this year's girl" or really last August's girl since that is where I actually am in my blog story although for you in the blog-present it will be this year's girl.

So I left you with a reply from Santastic.  You know most of the replies I have gotten over time have been brief - "you sound interesting tell me more about yourself, why are you here?"  They kind of say, yes I see you, now tell why I should be interested.  Well, OK I guess if you have 100 notes in your inbox I should feel good that I got a moment of your time.  But really, as a guy you have that feeling of Charlie Sheen in front of Gordon Gekko "son I get 100 offers a day, I accept 2; so why am I listening to you today."

But from the start there was something very different about Santastic.

Santastic did ask me several questions but she was in no way like any other.  I will paraphrase her response below:

"Ahem.... cue the mike (tap) (tap)..... hello, my name is Sandee I have blond hair stand about 5 ft 2 and weigh in at about 123# (you asked).  I love to have F.U.N., I love to cook and love to eat even more.  I am a lot to handle, some people say I have a big personality and a bit of a challenge!  Just warnin' ya'.  I move pretty quick so you may have trouble keeping up.  I am a nurse so I like to take care of people but don't assume I'm taking care of YOU :) (at least not at first)!  I love to kayak and other stuff that gets me out in this lovely weather around here.....

So R, what do you do for a living?  Is that your full name or do you have letters that follow the R?  What are your interests, you said you like the outdoors and like to cook - what are you fixing me for dinner?  I'm hungry!  Sorry, I ask a lot of questions but I'm a girl you know; you do know that I'm a girl, right?"

Hey are you cooking, I said I was hungry!  :)

Yes she actually typed out that cue the mike and tap tap as if she was stepping up to a microphone.  This girl had some spunk!  However, I don't know why she said what she did about her weight I didn't ask, it was on her profile.  Maybe she was giving me her standard response.  But at any rate, she had my attention!  This was one cool lady, the fact that she was great looking was just value added now - I just wanted to meet her regardless!

Oh yes, she had private showcase photos as well.  Nothing crazy but very cool.  One sitting over a plate of BBQ at some type of festival and another "haming" it up with a very big feather boa drapped around her and dressed in a tank top and "Daisy Dukes."  She was very cute and I could tell VERY sassy - I liked her immediately!

So I told her a little more about myself, complimented her on her pictures and more importantly on her choice of food (that jerk chicken from the photo looked wonderful) and asked her about kayaking in the area - it's big around here.

And of course I cut right to the chase and asked for her e-mail and got back a quick response

santasticlife1987@gmail.com (obviously slightly changed for dramatic afffect here)!

Of course at this point I knew that meeting her was still less than a 50/50 shot but something told me this might just be a really wild ride; a ride of a lifetime you might say!

Monday, January 23, 2012

You Can Take it or Leave it, Temptation; but You Better Believe it

Lets get back to early August in my story.  So what does a guy do when your infidelity partner has closed the door on you or you have closed the door or collectively you have parted ways?

Well, rather than those Heaven 17 lyrics above, I guess I could have used that Chumbawumba song as today's lyric as well because I always say "I get knocked down but I get up again; you're never going to keep me down."

Of course I could use that same song for the theme to my entire blog "pissing the night away!"

But of course I did what you would expect me to do and I logged onto good old Ashley Madison.  Actually I was excited.  I had been through a lot, had a lot of experiences now, had networked with bloggers both male and female and really wanted to see how I would do back on the market again.  It had really been almost a year since I was really trying.

So off I went.......  What would I find?

Well among others I found two wonderful ladies - Nature Girl and Santastic.

They really were almost carbon copies of one another.  Both liked the outdoors, were looking for excitement, wanted a guy that was smart and funny.  They were both 5'2"ish, 42 or 3, and around 120#'s.  Santastic was from a town about 25 miles away, more than within my range.  Nature Girl was actually from my county but the other end.  And when I say on the other end that means on the other side of a mountain.  So I honed in on her thinking she was close but not too close.

I put all my best stuff out there for Nature Girl.  I was a pro now, anybody would be able to see it.  Santastic was very interesting as well and since she was similar to Nature Girl I used much of the same stuff.

OK, as an aside more science (sorry this will be the last time for awhile).

There are a few basic irrefutable facts in the universe.  One, an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless encountered by an equal and opposite force.  Two, no matter how long we wait Riff ain't ever going to finish that Hannah story.  Three, whenever writing to multiple women on AM the one you want the most and think will definitely respond never will!

So the next day I open up my mischief yahoo e-mail and see 3 new notes.  Now, being an old pro at AM I know that when sending priority messages good things come in even numbers.  So the good news here was that it appeared I had a hit but who would it be!

Well if you bothered to read Ryan's 3rd Law of Physics above you know the answer.  Jesus, Nature Girl opened my note but didn't even look at my profile for Christ sakes (you can see that now).  But, there were those lovely 2 notes from Santastic!  Yep, 1 priority e-mail confirmation and 1 re:I don't always drink beer but when I do....

Wait, I didn't actually use that as my message subject to Santastic but I'm going to park that in the back of my mind for future potential use - I think that could be a good one.  :)

So to borrow/steal a phrase from Riff, are you ready to meet SanDeE*?

Stay thirsty my friends!

And take a listen to this song - a lot of good advice to those of us treading these waters and damn that girl has a soulful voice!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Every Man's Got Patience and here's Where Mine Ends

And watching football as usual
Yep, you got it - this is real folks an HNT from Ryan!  I just couldn't hold off anymore! :)

Can't you see the sexuality dripping from this picture!  You say you are confused?  Don't you know anything about testosterone?

Here is an article about testosterone I saw recently, check out the info on the correlation with finger size.


OK so what you are looking at is my digit ratio which is about 0.923.  Well actually it's just my hand but it shows you what I calculated.

The mean digit ratio in males is 0.947 with a standard deviation of 0.029.  In terms of lowest to highest digit ratio the 10th percentile of men are at a 0.91 digit ratio while the 90th percentile are at 0.984.  At a digit ratio of 0.923 I come in somewhere around the 27th percentile.  Females tend to have ratios close to 1.  I think if I am reading the data correctly my low digit ratio makes me high on testosterone and makes me a raging sex machine!  :)

And while low digit ratio is linked to higher fertility, assertiveness, and athletic prowess it is also potentially linked to bisexuality and a lower socio-economic status.  However, I can assure you there won't be any guy on guy adventures down the road on this blog.  But given the socio-economic status correlation, not only does the digit ratio correctly display my sex drive it also correctly identifies me as NOT Sugar Daddy material!   :)

As if you needed that reminder after reading this blog!

So now, isn't that better than one of those cheesy Ab photos in front of the mirror?

Oh and my apologies for more stats, I guess I am on some type of numbers binge so far this year!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!

Or the Science of Ashley Madison
a theoretical perspective by R. Beaumont (BS, MBa, and BMF)
...psst, that means bad mother fucker, he stole that from Cheech and Chong!

I don't speak a whole lot about my family here.  Yes, I'm married and yes I've have two daughters but that is about all I've said.  I am however very proud of my parents; they did as you can see raise me and I am grateful for that!  They are both teachers and my father a professor and a fairly successful scientist.  And so I grew up in a very logical family and am very familiar with scientific method.  As you might have seen I have introduced science into my experiences from time to time.

Now I'm forgetting my point.  Let me think.

Hmmm...., well anyway I'll remember it in a moment.  In the meantime I'll just share this with you since I'm thinking about it.

The other day I was at the gym stretching out.  I love the stretching room because there are mirrors on both sides of the room.  As such I can stretch and while doing so look at the ass of the girl stretching behind me!  So the other day I was stretching and watching this particularly nice ass that was in the mirror.  Round, toned, and with a perfect three dimensional curvature with respect to width and depth and two perfectly round cheeks!  Then I noticed I could see the reflection of myself looking at her ass and I had to hold back a giggle.  God I love those rolled down waist bands; the person who thought of that deserves a Nobel Prize!

But then I noticed I could see her ass in the reflection of me looking at her ass.  And then I realized that I could see myself looking at the reflection of the reflection of me looking at the reflection of her ass.  This went on and on, my mind began to spin.  I then contemplated what I saw.  And then I realized, I was looking at an infinity of asses!  Wow, science!

Yeah, now I remember what I was going to say.  So in that "ass moment" that I was having I began to contemplate infinity and it's affect on life.

No silly, not like the infinity of the expanding universe or the infinity of the human creative mind or even how infinitely stupid Republicans from Texas can be.  I'm talking how infinity affects a guy like me.

You know the other week I spent an entire five days talking about e-mail queens.  Other friends of science, such as Riff Dog, have spent much time as well studying the e-mail queen.

But what no man has attempted is to discover is the theoretical boundary to infinity of the e-mail queen.  It's really a simple exercise when you think about it.  Normally after about a month of e-mailing the e-mail queen guys like me just give up.   But, my young scientists, what would happen if you just kept e-mailing the e-mail queen.  Would we in fact reach infinity?  Or would we discover the limit of the e-mail queen or rather the point where we might actually intersect with the e-mail queen!

e-mails/day toward getting laid
For example, normally when you first encounter the e-mail queen there is the occasional e-mail and as you pick up interest the e-mails increase exponentially but will eventually tail off marginally as you realize you probably ain't getting laid.  That actually represents your Positively Skewed Curvilinear Preference Function where the "y" axis represents the number of e-mails/day and the "x" axis represents time in weeks until getting laid.  As time goes on you get closer and closer to getting laid but never quite reach intersection (or in this hypothesis intercourse) as your function plots to infinity.

Now this, my friends, is something worth researching!

Because my hypothesis is that certain e-mail queens do have a quantifiable limit and are not bounded by infinity.  I pose that there is in fact a theoretical intercourse point for a given e-mail queen if one is patient enough or rather has a flat preference curve (or as I call it the Ryan Gullibility Curve or Laughter Curve).

Now we need only a subject to test our hypothesis that in fact as the curvilinear function tends towards infinity there is actually a point of intersection (intercourse) out there somewhere.  Wow, now I'm feeling a bit like Columbus!  Or perhaps more aptly Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science!

And so it was on a warm August day, when I took my first critical look at Ashley Madison in several months, that I took the first steps in a long journey of scientific discovery.  And by critical look, I mean I had no sexual prospect at hand so I was looking to find someone and was going to be in "Ryan's really trying mode" which I really hadn't been in for almost a year.

Ooops, I'm getting a little long today - maybe this should be a 2 parter or more!  :)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Tin Roof, Rust!

I've never been a quantity over quality type guy.  But I've basically written my posts for next week and the week after and they only add up to 9 posts for January and I've always written at least 10 posts per month so I'm in need of another post.  So here is some housekeeping to get that 10th post.

Wait a second though, did he just say he prefers quality over quantity?  That must mean he thinks any of this stuff would be considered quality - wow, ego's never cease to amaze me!

OK so I have about 4 points today:

#1 - Wow, I hope nobody put down bets based on my bowl game analysis - I really stunk it up.  But to rebut,  I will say my analysis failed on the following points,

*   Rose Bowl - Got it right on this game, here's to the Quack Attack!

*   Fiesta Bowl - OK 2 points.  First, Stanford find a guy who can kick straight.  Second, I obviously forgot to consider these fine looking Cowgirls!  If I had seen these little chaps I would have picked the Cowboys (girls)!  Hot girls in chaps definitely beats that goofy thing!

*   Sugar Bowl - VT's kickers are on crack too!
*   Orange Bowl -  Missed this little story, WVU Cheerleaders gone wild might have changed things for me (take a look)!  Gives new meaning to that song "Almost Heaven West Virginia (cheerleaders) ......" 
*   BCS Championship - I forgot to consider Cajun + New Orleans on New Years = A lot of Hangovers.  Obviously LSU partied too much and forgot to show up.

I still did really good on the Yahoo Bowl pick-um because I aced all the minor stinky bowls!  Tell me how many of you had SMU upsetting Pittsburg in the Clorox Toilet Bowl.

#2 - Under the category of flattery will get you everywhere with Ryan please please consider visiting the attached new blog So Wrong But So Right.  One of the writers had a previous blog and a lot of these stories are from those past episodes.  There is a lot of good hook-up sex and relationship stuff and I know this will be a good one.  Molly, I'm looking forward to seeing more of you as well!  :)

#3 - Omg, did you see that Hostess is going bankrupt!  For the love of god do your patriotic duty and eat as many Twinkies as you can, this American icon must be saved!  And think of this, after the Apocalypse later this year (2012) these little beauties may be the only thing we have left to eat - I think they are shelf stable to the year 2525!  :)

#4 - Today's lyric quote is a shout-out to the B-52's who are celebrating their 35th anniversary.  I sure wish I could catch their anniversary show in Athens on February 9th.

Oh wait..... (another point)

#5 -  So I had this spoof post about Finding Married Guys for Dummies the other day.  So a quick (slightly) sincere bit of advice on that subject.  If you really are looking for a married guy or former married guy or any guy of the pre-owned fashion I give you one bit of advice.  Find a guy who has a great relationship with his daughter.  For if a guy truly loves his daughter (and what daddy doesn't) then he has put at least one women ahead of himself on his priority list during his life.  And if a guy can love at least one woman (his daughter) more than himself perhaps he will be good to another women (you).  Just a thought!  :)

And another:

#6 Is it really hard to talk while you're teabagging?  :)
Thanks for that thought Anderson!

Sorry for all of that but it is a good image of the useless shit I think about on a daily basis!  :)

Remember to Vote Colbert 2012!

Hey wait, I think I mentioned another AM Adventure coming soon - maybe I'll start getting on top of that story on Monday!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

He's Walkin' in LA......Nobody Walks in LA

I'd be glad to be walking in sunny SoCal today; although it's not too bad here today.

So I know you're thinking I live a really extravagant life.  Well I hate to burst your bubble but I don't.  In fact most nights when the girls are in bed Shannon drifts off to the computer to do whatever she does and I hop on the couch and watch TV.  From a few blog entries you can probably tell I watch a lot of sports and other worthless stuff.  In fact I'm reminded of that Anchorman Ron Burgundy quote "whatever is on that teleprompter Burgundy will read."  Well in my case "no matter what worthless teams are on Beaumont will watch that college football game."

So it was a few weeks ago that I was watching the Beef O'Brady Bowl between Marshall and Florida International (a real power match-up if there ever was one).  No I didn't make up that bowl game these corporate affairs need no changing; they are hilarious enough on their own e.g. the Poulan Weedeater Bowl, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, the Hyundai Sun Bowl, the Jiffy Lube Congressional Enema Capital Classic (actually that one I made up)   :)

Anyway the bowl game was pretty boring.  It was tied 10-10 until Marshall blocked a punt late in the game to go up by 3.  So I started channel surfing and found Kathy Griffin's latest comedy special from Atlantic City.  I love Kathy Griffin, she is so delightfully tacky!  Kind of what I aspire to be, meaning delightful as I know I'm already tacky!

About half way through the show she starts talking about "her gays."  She says they are always ahead of the curve on style, fashion, and now technology.  She says there is a gay app called Prowlr where you can put out your location and desire on your IPhone, pad, etc. so others close by can meet you.

And then it hit me - where is Ashley Madison on this gig!  I know you can get AM for you mobile phone to get messages but that doesn't really help for instant gradification.   AM needs an app so you can get a GPS to that special lad or lady that wants exactly what you want at that particular moment in time.

So as I thought of this I did as I normally do; I think WWRD.  Don't get it?  That's What Would Riff Do.

So I imagined a day in the life of Riff on AM's mobile app:

7:50 am - stuck in traffic on the 405, looking for someone to give me a hummer in my hummer; and share an HOV lane! #Riff

8:32 am - @ Starbucks getting my half caf w/soy milk/half non-caff w/organic grass feed milk w/guava spritzer at Starbucks at corner of Melrose and Vine.  Anyone want me to dip my love wand in my beverage and use it like a honey stick for your bubble Chi! #Riff

9:22 am - walking into office, meeting with Clay Aikin in 15 mins; do you think we can sign him! Who wants a threesome out there! #Riff

10:39 am - Done with meeting, who wants a quickie under the Hollywood sign #Riff

11:21 am - early lunch @ Spago; who wants fellatio off menu behind the dumpster, we're serving a big helping of my love juice.  #Riff

3:02 pm - leaving work for hollywood gym; ready to be submissive in gym tights!  Who wants to spank my ass while I do Yogalates!  #Riff

4:32 pm - tanning/massage appt at Asian Dolls in East Hollywood; who wants to roll me over for a hand job!  #Riff

5:01 pm - OMG, can't believe I'm working this late!  Only an intern
around here; if they won't take it in the ass from me again will you??

8:00 pm - Back home, ready for Celebrity Wife Swap.  How do I get in
on this!  I bet Michaele Salahi would love me and I did jam with Neal
Schon back in the 80's - we would be perfect!  #Riff

9:59 pm - Still thinking about Celebrity Wife Swap... I wonder what my wife would think of Ozzy?  'Cause I think I'd like to nail Sharon!  I would love to get behind her a yell "ShaaaaaaRON!"  #Riff

10:20 pm - Going to bed, another big day tomorrow!   :)  #Riff

Sorry, I just couldn't go any further into the year without shamelessly brown-nosing Riff!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Hey I'm for Love and I'm for Happiness and I'm for Not Lookin' for Something to Make Us Mad

Or How to Find a Married Guy

My dad told me many things. I’ve probably forgotten more than I remember but he was a pretty basic guy. One thing he said was “pick out good clothes that last and take care of them; things always come back into style.”

It’s taken me some time to realize he was right but I think he was right in many ways. But I’m not talking about clothes today.

You see for several years I thought I was out of style. I drifted well into my thirties, had 2 kids, lost track of what was in style in music and clothing. I was an altogether fuddy-duddy. Now here I am a few years later and I really have not changed but things around me have.

A new blogger commented on my page a few weeks back. Curious, I clicked on her name and saw she had a blog. I started to read her blog and to my surprise she had written an entry about her fantasy to have an affair with a married guy.  Sorry, guys I tried to link to her but her blog was no longer active (darn)!  :(

And there you have my dad’s logic. Old and useless no more – eventually the 20 something ladies decide that it’s cool to fantasize about an old married guy. And of course there are all those other blogs about ladies interested in guys just like me!

As you know this blog is about experience, learning, and the pursuit of self actualization.   So I feel it incumbent upon myself to help steer these ladies in the right direction.

Of course the best direction would be to send and e-mail to ryanbeaumontregularguy@gmail.com and they will be serviced quickly and efficiently with great gusto!. However, I understand not all ladies live in the Greater DC area so I am dedicating an entire blog post on finding, attracting, and catching the elusive and enigmatic American Domestic Married Male.

Finding a Married Guy for Dummies!
This will be in 2 parts:   

Chapter 1 - Finding the Married Male
Chapter 2 – How to Seduce the Married Guy

Of course I know everybody always just goes to the end because they think that is where the sex is so I’m going to start with Chapter 2. Once you read you’ll find that is actually the easy part. Seducing is easy, it’s the catching that is the challenge.

Chapter 2 – How to Seduce a Married Guy

Step 1: Walk up to him and say "Hi."
Step 2: Forget about the fact that he just peed his pants :)
Step 3: Don’t ask him about what he likes. Nobody has asked him this in several years. He won’t know how to respond. You’ll have to take the lead.
Step 4: Compliment Him by getting on his level

Here are some examples: 
*     Wow, you know so much about lawn care, I really find that attractive!
*    You have full coverage with only a $200 deductable on that Honda Odyssey – that is so sexy
*     You’re a 25 handicap – wow, I’ve never met anybody that good; are you going to try out for the Senior tour?
*     I love men who max out 401Ks; ya say your company matches up to 6%, take me NOW!

At this point he will be putty in your hand. Do with him what you wish. Think of him as a puppy dog. Once you feed him, pet him, pick up his poop - he will follow you to the end of the earth! (sigh)

Chapter 1 – Where to Find the American Domestic Married Male

As you can see catching the married male once you have found him is fairly easy. The challenge is finding the married male. You see the American Domestic Married Guy is somewhat like his cousin the male deer (buck). You see enough fawns out there to know bucks exist; Does don’t just screw themselves! But rarely do you see them. All us real guys from Alabama and Wisconsin know you have to go pretty far back up in them thar woods to find a buck. And even then you need salt or Doe piss to coax him out!

The Domestic Married Guy is even more elusive in some ways. You may see the Married Guy out in public occasionally but you may not be able to approach!

For example on any given Saturday you may see him trailing behind his wife at the Supermarket. You may hear his faint call “wow honey, the Giant brand toilet paper is only $0.99/roll!” Then you will hear his female mate’s retort “shut up Ryan and just push the cart, this will go faster if you just do what I say; I have a hair appointment at 2 pm and I’m going to be pissed if I miss it.”

Catching the American Married Guy here will be a big mistake. Even though that Doe may not have even considered fucking him in 6 months she will defend her territory like the Devil just to spite him and YOU! Beware!

No, you will need to be more thoughtful on where to encounter the Domestic Married Guy. You will need to try to think like him and get into his environment. Remember, he isn’t a college guy anymore so you won’t find him at Club Hookup or any other fancy club named after an element like Oxygen or Krypton! And those guys, married or single, at Secrets Cabaret on State Route 40 along the Frontage Road may be a little spooky!

But for Christ sakes don’t think like him too long; thinking like a guy will likely screw you up for life.

So now that we are thinking like a Married Guy, where would we go. And better yet, where can we go and actually catch him and take him home?

OK, so let me make this quick and easy. If you are like Shannon you don’t enjoy hearing me talk so you’ll want it in “bullet points.” Or at least that what she always tells me! :)

Here is a list:
* Golf course is always tops on the list. But beware, you may actually want to go public course here; if you go country club wifey may be in the spa or tennis court. You definetely don’t want an encounter when the female mate is around friends. It’s one thing for her to get embarrased but it will be hell to pay if she is embarrased in front of her friends. Two Stars **

* Your local home repair or hardward store - again I would go small, there are too many things in Lowe’s that will draw in the female mate such as housewares, shudders, etc. If the Domestic Male is on a “honey-do” mission along with the mate this is no good. However, the local hardware store when he is out for his kind of stuff is a great way to catch and seduce him by letting him know you appreciate his interest in carpentry or model airplanes! Three Stars ***

* Auto-shop - and let’s stay with Autozone type places here; don’t go to a car dealership unless it’s a used car lot specializing in muscle cars. The female mate is not likely to go on a new battery/belts & plugs mission. This is a fairly safe zone and you can act helpless here and let him talk about changing oil or maybe even let him change your tires! Before you know it; he’ll be checking under your hood (if you know what I mean)! Four Stars ****

* OK, but there must be one place that nobody but the Domestic Married Guy is going to go. What is the place where nobody wants to be but the Married Guy might have to go in an emergency? And where can you go to lend comfort and support! So here it is - ta da the Sports hernia clinic! You see he may have sacrificed the "family jewels" to "take one for the team" as they say and you will have him where he is feeling uncertain and open to new ideas.  The wife won't want to help; she hasn't seen and certainly not touched those balls in several months.  Sure the doctor can tell him to "turn your head and cough," but wouldn't it be more comforting to be held down there in your adoring hands!  Yes, caress his cojones now and nurse him back to health and you have that (those) puppy dog(s) firmly in tow! 
Five Stars *****