It's All I Can Do to Keep Waiting on You

Or the Tenth Good Thing About Sallie

Walking through her house the last few weeks I've come across a certain book left on a desk.  It was not odd to see children's books throughout her home, she was a reading teacher and had the equivalent of a small town library in her house.  But why was this one out, I thought for a moment as I speculated about the theme based on the title.  I finally sat down and read the story and it was as I thought:

"My cat Barney died last Friday.

I was very sad.

I cried, and I didn't watch television.

I cried, and I didn't eat my chicken even the chocolate pudding.

I went to bed, and I cried.

My mother sat down on my bed, and she gave me a hug.

She said we could have a funeral for Barney in the morning.

She said I should think of ten good things about Barney so I could tell them at the funeral.

I thought, and I thought, and I thought of good things about Barney.

I thought of nine good things.  Then I fell asleep.

In the morning my mother wrapped Barney in a yellow scarf.

My father buried Barney in the ground by a tree in the yard.

Annie, my friend from next door, came over with flowers.

And I told good things about Barney.

Barney was brave, I said.

And smart, and funny, and clean.

Also cuddly and handsome, and he only once ate a bird.

It was sweet, I said, to hear him purr in my ear.

And sometimes he slept on my belly and kept me warm.

Those are all good things, said my mother, but I just count nine.

I said I would try to think of another one later....."  from the Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst

My mother passed away in her sleep over the holidays.  She left the world quietly, the way she lived it.  Over the coming days many people asked us how we were going to cope.  For though she was quiet her impact and presence in our life was ubiquitous.  She transported kids to practices and to and from school.  She managed school projects, mended clothes, took care of needed tasks such as picking up those birthday cake candles at the last moment when forgotten.  Her smile was always a comforting salve to a challenging day for not only myself but the entire family.  As Shannon stated we were not a family of four, we were a family of five and she was the bonding glue that held our every day existence.

In life she was a teacher for over 35 years and in her spare time (though in truth a parallel career) she was a gardener, a seamstress, and a lover of animals.  Yet, to be fair, lover of animals would be a severe understatement.  As her former principle stated at the memorial "I always said that if I ever came back in life, I wanted to come back as Sallie's dog."  Oh, to be the person who received the love and attention of Sallie has always certainly been divine.

As we spoke in the days after, we realized there were so many ways she made our lives whole.  Her impact was vast and yet the biggest impact was the accumulated collection of small things she did for us each and every day.

The book on her desk began to make sense to me.  The boy was struggling to find the tenth good thing about his cat and yet what he was really trying to figure out was the true meaning his cat, Barney, had on his life.

In the end the boy figures out his true feelings for Barney and what Barney's lasting impact will be for him.

"Barney was brave, I said.

And smart, and funny, and clean.

Also cuddly and handsome, and he only once ate a bird.

It was sweet, I said, to hear him purr in my ear.

And sometimes he slept on my belly and kept me warm.

Those are all good things, said my mother, but I still just count nine.

Yes, I said, I have another.

Barney is in the ground and he's helping grow flowers.

You know, I said, that's a pretty nice job for a cat."

From my perspective what the boy comes to realize is that more than anything Barney made him feel loved and supported and his greatest gift was helping the boy grow.

My mom's ending wishes were as simple as the life she led.  She wanted her ashes placed on the mountains she loved.  And per those wishes we endeavored to find just the right spot, though we soon knew there could only be one appropriate eternal spot.  We silently placed her ashes at the top of a trail above the pond, finding a good spot among a collection of young Rhododendrons. Below us snow flurries fell delicately to the ground and on the chilly pond while Canadian Geese honked unknown communications to one another, the only sound within our melancholy yet beautifully tranquil scene.  A few people walked around the pond across the way.  How many times had she walked those paths with her beloved furry friends.  Yes, this was the spot for her to rest.  As I walked away I wondered should I take a picture but I know the peaceful image of the day will be implanted on my mind in perpetuity as is the appreciation for the person we were there for.

As I thought about the tenth good thing about my mom I realized that there was only one good thing about her.  And that one good thing was that her impact was pervasive throughout our lives. All the good things she did collectively accumulated to create the foundation of everything we are today.  We are a function of her enabling and nurturing love.  My daughters, their joys and talents were because of her support.  My success in life and yes I must admit my adventures here, a result of her ability to hold down the fort at times in order for me to pursue passions.  Shannon's success, a result of her helping me get through the challenges of work-life balance while she traveled the country enjoying success.  But more importantly was her ability to provide that stabilizing fabric of support woven indelibly into our lives.

My mother is now with her friends the geese, the birds, the deer, the squirrels, and she lays among the Rhododendron and enjoys the peace of the snow and the sun and the breeze.  I hope that is OK for her, though I know if we missed the spot she would have just said "it's OK, this is fine."

We will come back to visit her for I want her to see the people we have become, the women my girls, who she helped raise will become.  I think we are going to be OK and a lot of that is due to her.  And that's a pretty nice thing to have accomplished in life.

I Thank the Lord for the People I Have Found

It's My 4th Blogoversary!

I can't believe I've been doing this for 4 years!  I don't even like doing things I enjoy for that long!

Here are previous blogoversary posts:
First Year:  Remember where you came from (or as Stephen Colbert would say re-become the person you never were)
Second Year:  Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that your used to...
Third Year:  Why we blog and meeting another blogger

Anyway, the song lyric above is from Elton John's song Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters off the 1972 Honkey Chateau album.  John has mentioned that it is one of his favorite songs and it's one of my favorite songs of his.  I've been meaning to use the song for a post for some time but just needed the right theme.  I almost used it once before for a very personal and emotional post about a year ago.  The song was penned, of course, by Elton John's long time lyricist Bernie Taupin.  Taupin and John created the rather somber toned song as an ode to New York city.  The two country boys were both amazed and awestruck by the city and somewhat scared one night when Taupin heard gunshots near his hotel room.  And yet in the song they rejoice in what the city is and what it is not.  To paraphrase a Rolling Stone critic from the wiki, the song evokes imagery of one's individual paradox of needing people and yet desiring the privacy of aloneness.  That paradox makes a great theme and in fact is the stimulus or simply that little something extra that made Taupin and John such a magical musical pair.

But I guess at these kinds of times, anniversaries of events, we tend to think about questions like "why we do this?"  "Does this make us happy?"  "Should we be doing something else?" "What do we get from all of this?"

In asking those questions it seemed apparent that the tone of that song ringed the true answer. As Elton John and Bernie Taupin make one another better, blogging seems to help us navigate that razor's edge along the paradox between needing people and needing privacy.  It gives us that little something extra in our life.

As I thought further I rather thought blogging is somewhat like parallel play in children.  If you have ever been around kids you know that young children (usually 2-3 years of age) often parallel play, a form of play where they are adjacent to but do not try to initially influence one another's behavior.  While playing alone, the child is still quite interested in what the other children are doing.  If quite interested, children will at times be influenced by one another and modify their play accordingly.  Parallel play is an important part of childhood development, it sews the seeds of learning how to deal with one another and will help form foundations for future relationships.  Children are always content at play but often parallel play is the little something extra that makes them happier and helps them grow.

Yes, like that Elton John song and parallel play, blogging is that little thing that makes us smile at the world in spite of all the craziness that surrounds us.  There is just something to it.

Or maybe blogging is just that little something extra that helps us feel good about where we are in life.  Yeah, a little life lagniappe.  In the Cajun/Creole vernacular a lagniappe is a little something extra, something a business might give a customer as appreciation for their business (aka that 13th donut to make a "baker's dozen").  Much like all of Cajun and Southern Louisiana culture, lagniappe is an amalgamation of many influences.  In this case the word is derived from the Spanish word (albeit Andean South American Spanish) la yapa (a free extra item, usually cheap).  In fact the word lagniappe is, in effect, a lagniappe; a little something extra one gets when you fuse a lot of things together.  When we enter the world of blogging an entire world then is fused to our screen and we get the amalgamated sum of those experiences and that gives us that little lagniappe, something extra, that keeps us going, reinforces us, amplifies who we are and fortifies us as we go on our way.

This also reminds me of my Intro to Economics Class at Big State U and how $1 moves through the economy.  Intro to Economics was a real eye opener to me.  It used mathematics which I was good at but it connected to something - making money!  And it used logic and human behavior which I liked.  All of a sudden algebra wasn't just something boring, it helped me decide how to maximize my utility over $10 between porn videos, porn magazines, or a six pack of Old Milwaukee and why my demand for such products was so elastic!  At once I knew what vector I needed to be on in that massive 400 person auditorium listening to the famous Dr. M*****st***, who btw was an Economic advisor to the Nixon administration (just had to throw that out for ego)!  But what we learned that day was that if I buy $1 of something off Kat's blog page, Kat then can take that money and invest it.  If she earns 10% that turns into $1.10.  She can then buy something from Sassy for $1.  The bank in the meantime can lend Ad the $0.10 that Kat left in the bank.  Ad can then buy supplies for his product and sell it to me for $0.50.  Of course, then you are saying Ryan can invest this into venture capital and become a millionaire!?  Hell no, Ad sold me a Larry the Cable Guy "Git R Done" ballcap, I ain't part'in with that!  But you see that $1 ended up becoming $1.10 + interest for Kat, $1 for Sassy, $0.10 + interest for the bank, $0.50 less interest for Ad, and one genuine "Git R Done" ballcap for Ryan.  Our national GDP is somewhere north of $2.50 + a cheap ass redneck hat for Ryan.  See, we all get a little something extra, we all benefit.  I know, you tea partiers are saying "Ryan you are just trying to RAM Obama's socialistic stimulus packages down our throats!"  Well maybe you are right but whether you are Keynesian or Friedman'esque, you realize we all benefit when we work with or alongside one another.  The sum of all transactions ends up greater than the parts.  It gives us a little something extra.

Who knows, I'm really not sure but all that stuff above sounds like a good reason to waste this much time over the past four years!  If nothing else I made a quirky attempt at finding some meaning by threading a Cajun word, a child development concept, economic theory, and a song lyric which I guess has become my little schtick over time.  Not that child development theory is my schtick just trying to tie together random concepts for some type of universal realization in the most inane way possible!


However, if you are trying to take some meaning from this post just understand this, write about sex (WAY more than me) and use a lot of pictures (people like that), and link to other bloggers, and shamelessly slobber affection of famous bloggers (like Kat) so they will mention you, and don't write so often that you get sick of it, and don't ever let it become homework (this is supposed to be fun).

But yes, blogging does add a little incremental value to my life.  Are you doing something that adds incremental value to your life?  Does blogging give you that mental lagniappe?

So in conclusion I steal this from Elton and Bernie "I thank the Lord there's people out there like you!"   :)

December 3rd, A Date that Will Live in Infamy

It's My Blogoversary!

 or Why do we blog?

At this auspicious occasion of my 3rd Blogoversary I think it's important to paraphrase the great Winston Churchill by offering:  "never has so little been owed by so many to one idiot blogger!"

Yes, this is the 3rd anniversary of my blog which means I feel compelled and pressured to write something prophetic.  Which can only mean I'll really write something silly!

But before I get onto my theme today I do want to recall a meeting I recently had with another blogger.  That blogger recently wrote a post (here) and so I, of course, will pretend like I am paralleling that post with an anecdotal metaphorical simile.  Translation, I'm just going to steal the idea so I don't have to come up with an intelligent theme for my 3rd Blogoversary!

This transcendental convergence of bloggers seemed epic at first - would we really be able to meet, what would we talk about, would he spill the beans after that I'm really a dork?  Thankfully, Ad did show up at that Starbucks and he got his drink and I got mine and we sat down and started to talk.  Soon the left/right coastal blogging convergence became a conversation between two men all of a sudden not so different.  Two guys talking about figuring stuff out via this Google Blogging thing.  We liked a lot of the same stuff, were confused by the same stuff (translation - where the HELL has Kat gone; thankfully she has since returned), and of course had the same myriad of family challenges.  We both have daughters we hope to help navigate through life, get into college, and become hopefully a little smarter and more savvy than their dads!

In the end what I can truly say is that Advizor is in fact a very nice guy.  A guy living the same stuff I am and throwing it out there from time to time on a blog for the rest of us to take a quick peak at.

Of course we did talk a lot about blogs and as Ad's post indicated "why we blog?"

"Dang I miss Miss Inconspicuous too!"

We talked about blogs we used to love to read and some of our personal interactions with other bloggers via e-mail.  Ultimately we talked about why we do this seeing as we ain't getting paid.

As Advizor said perhaps we are looking for that spark that might give us inspiration to write the next great American novel or a catchy script.  Maybe it will be the next "Men of a Certain Age" or some type of "Dads Gone Wild."  Who knows?

For me, ever the quoter, this is probably like that Jim Croce song:  "like the pine trees lining the winding road; I've got a name, I've got a name."  I think we all have an inner story that screams to be told.  The beauty of social networks is that we now have a path for that story even if it just leads to a few followers.  And what we find whether we blog or just read is that some of the most interesting stories come for the most unsuspected sources (wait, that sounded so good but I really just paraphrased that thought off the movie Ratatouille).  In the end we connect by sharing those stories in a way that is way more meaningful than simply thinking "hey that Dad on Good Luck Charlie is just like me."  Yes, for me, it's better to be an active participant in the dialogue rather than just sitting on the sidelines and viewing the parade going by.  Maybe as I talk it out I can figure it out or maybe somebody will just call me out and then I'll know what it's all about.

As I think of that, it sounds so profound.  Which of course is not really my schtick so perhaps it's more like that climactic last sequence in "Horton Hears a Who" when all the Whos stand up and yell "we are here, we are here....," in hopes of averting being cast into boiling water.  Because you know "a person's blogger's a person no matter how small goofy."

Yes I think we all want someone to know that we are here and that perhaps in doing so we can connect in some meaningful way.  Maybe that is the ultimate saving grace of social media that others may know we are here and that we are going through the same life challenges.  That connection to some other person in Valdosta or Vietnam brings solace to the soul just like running into a fellow blogger at some Starbucks in Orange County.

So perhaps that transcendental convergence at Starbucks in the real physical sense doesn't seem so spectacular but the journey that got us there is the important metaphysical transaction that makes this stuff important and transformational.  Yes, someone is really out there and they hear me and better yet they understand me or at least are going through something similar.  And if they are going through it and surviving, maybe we will all come out on the other side OK.

As for me, I've said before, I started out simply wanting to be an East Coast Riff Dog that perhaps was a little more "real guy'ish" and not so suave and sophisticated.  What I found is that I loved reflecting on my experience and sharing my perspective.  By tossing in a few pinches of humor I thought I might connect, sort of like a naughty Good Luck Charlie episode where the dad can't help being a screw-up.  Perhaps somewhere down the road I transcended my focus to attempt to be some idiot-man's Jerry Springer'ized F. Scott Fitzgerald short story social commenter.  Except for me I wanted to identify what it meant to be part of this hybrid social dating circuit in the electronic age perhaps no so far off from Fitzgerald heady "Jazz age" days.  Who knows, sounds good as I write it - for sure!

I guess in the end I'm still not completely sure why all this is so tempting.  What I do know is that this is my 375th post and I've probably written over 1,000 pages of content.  I guess if I were smarter I would have used that time to write a novel or script.  Surely there is a script deal out there for a Family Guy turned bad, a latter day Al Bundy chasing MILFs, a common man's Great Gatsby looking for his Daisy on a screwy cyber dating site!  But what makes it worthwhile is that 119 citizens of the world have for some reason clicked on to follow and that is an awesome feeling - well worth the time.

Anyway, I am truly grateful you guys have stopped in and read about these silly adventures.

As the song continues....

"They can change their minds but they can't change me.
I've got a dream, I've got a dream.
Well, I know I can share it if you want me too.
If your going my way, I'll go with you."

Thanks for going my way for a little while, it's been fun sharing the road!   :)

You know as I think about though my one main regret is that I never developed a blogging enemy or nemesis!  I think I would make such a great evil blogger!  But perhaps I am too much of a conciliator to have a true nemesis.  Perhaps someone could be my "Frenemy!"  Would you be my "frenemy?"  :)

So Happy that You're here with Me

Or Back Up to Speed

First, to Ms. Tempting Sweets - you owe me a damn post!  The answers to my lyrics were going to be an entire post for me and now you've flushed that down the toilet with your perfect response.  So now I'm scrambling to come up with something on the fly.  Thanks!  But wow, you do know your music!

Oh also, are we done now with natural disasters around here.  I could go a whole 'nother 100 years without an earthquake and hurricane in the same week or as I heard it Hurriquakapocalipse.  No natural disasters, that's why I live here!  If I wanted disaster I would live in SF or NO or Detroit for Christ sakes!

Sorry for that rant, so to continue.

I have been drifting for about 2 months out of laziness but have enjoyed recapping my top 10 posts with a little additional information.  I hope you have re-enjoyed those posts!  Give me about one more week (I do actually work sometimes) and then I'll move forward in my bloglifestory.  But first, since I am ever the meticulous, I'll recap where I am in my blog world.  And from this point forward I will try to accelerate and catch up to my current world.  Writing in the past allows you to contemplate but makes it difficult to write about interesting things that sometimes occur in the present.

So for this somewhat blase post I have chosen some more mushy Babies/John Waite lyrics.  But I am happy you're hear with me, it has been such a blast seeing that people read my posts and the comments are like a happy potion to me!  Sorry, I get silly that way sometimes.  :)

When last I wrote about Sandra in my blog-life I was creeping toward the holidays in Winter, 2010 enjoying the last few days of the first decade of the new millineum.

You may remember that I am a 40-something guy living in the Greater DC area and married to a wonderfully hot wife, Shannon, who had recently chosen to seek affection outside of the marriage (she first, then I).  And that wonderfully hot wife also tends to have a HOT temper and tends to see it's her mission in life to make sure I know the world is not centered around me (see my Shannon stories for further details).

So about 3 years ago I developed a friendship with another woman in town, Renee.  I became very close with her but never acted on my emotions.

Then a little over a year ago I stumbled upon a little website called Ashley Madison.  I had some wonderful first steps out into that new world, though all failed.  Then I found a wonderful blog called Ashley and Me and found my pathway to success.  Over the next 6 months I would meet 2 women through Ashley Madison first Alecia and then Sandra.

My relationship with Alecia was very short lived.  Sandra however was still with me and things were going great into the holidays.

So everything in life was good.  A great home, wonderful kids, a good job with benefits, my health, a steady marriage with an extra-curricular affair on the side.  All a guy would ever want.  Surely this is the good life and hopefully nothing would change. 

(My 100th!) Can We all Slow Down and Enjoy Right Now

My 100th Post!

You know I’ve been thinking about what lyrics I should use for my 100^th post for a long time.  I was planning a true Magnum Opus so the title lyrics needed to be epic, something from the Beatles, Stones, U2, Pearl Jam, etc.  But the other day I was driving my daughters to camp and of course was listening to the required Disney Channel on XM Radio.  I heard the song Price Tag by Jessie J and it just stuck with me as where I am at right now.

Yep, this is what I’m all about now:

            “Ain’t about the cha-ching, cha-ching

            Ain’t about the ba-bling, ba-bling

            Wanna make the world dance

            Forget about the price tag”

Of course when you are just a fry cook at Mickey D’s it’s easy to have that attitude!  J

I’ve also been really stuck on that Foster the People Song for some time but I won’t ask you to outrun my bullets! J

I did sort of write a similar recap on my Ashley Madison anniversary back in April that outlined some of my take-aways from my Ashley Madison experiences.  I guess since this is a blogging anniversary I should do something around blogging takeaways.  Or maybe not.

So Ashley Madison’s tag line is “life is short, have an affair.”  Well I won’t speculate on whether anyone should or should not have an affair but life is shorter than we think.

I attended a staff retreat shortly after taking my current job back east.  It was a very tranquil time because I was so happy to be here.  There was a very good speaker at the retreat that gave me two great takeaways.

First, he asked us to write down what age we thought we would live to.  I wrote down 85.  Then he asked us to write down our age.  For me it would have been 40 at the time.  Then he said subtract your age from the age you plan to live to.  For me 85 - 40 = 45.  Then he said multiply that by 52.  So that would be 45 * 52 = 2,340.  Then he said assuming you have to work for a living during the week that is the number of weekends you have left to live.  And then he said how many of those remaining weekends that you have left do want to invest in being miserable.  I think there were some other points he made but the bottom line is that when you put a number on the time you have remaining in the world you start to realize that you need to maximize your happiness in the time you have left in the best manner possible.

Second, the speaker also talked about going through a divorce.  He mentioned an instance when his daughter told him something that infuriated him.  He said what his daughter said “was something just like her mother would say.”  But then he had an epiphany when he realized it was “his daughter’s god given right to be just as much like her mom as she was her dad and that he couldn’t do anything about it, he could only accept it and find a way to appreciate.”

So to recap, bottom line:  not too much time on earth, got to accept people for who they are, and “don’t worry, be happy!”  Well, I just added the “don’t worry, be happy.”  Did I say I was an INTJ or C on DISC.

OK so another thing we are dealing with at this time on earth is this stinkin’ economy.  A few years ago I began to be intrigued by articles like this:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/feb/06/cant-afford-divorce-in-hard-time-couples-stick-tog/

Apparently in this economy many people find they simply can’t get divorced.  Or rather, the life they have put themselves into does not allow them to live without dual incomes.  And often home values drive this inability to divorce.  When you have no equity in your home you have no leverage with which to put yourself into your next living situation.

Now another thing I have been thinking about.  I have been fascinated by Strauss and Howe’s Generations for many years.  As a proud member of Generation X I think divorce tends to be difficult on us not simply because of economic factors but as a reaction to our “Me” generation parents.  We are the first “latch key” children so I believe our way of rebelling is to be more family-centric.  Think Alex P. Keaton who rebelled against his rebellious 60’s hippy parents by being conservative.

So to recap, bottom line:  little time on earth, understand one another, economy bad, we don’t want to be like our parents, and “don’t worry, be happy.”  Wow, how does all that jive Ryan, I think your full of a word that starts with “s” and ends in “t” and rhymes with pit.

So in walks Ashley Madison.  Us Gen X’ers are already computer savvy and along with our Millennial neighbors adept at understanding social networking.  We find ourselves stuck in dead or dormant relationships, we don’t want to do to our kids what our parents generationally did to us, we know our life is finite, and “girls (and guys) just want to have fun.”  I decided to sub in a new lyric.

So is this an Infomercial for Ashley Madison.  Absolutely not, AM is just a kick start or fuel to get you where you may need to go.

So a lot of information and a lot of opinion Ryan but how are you going to bring it back to those Jessie J lyrics?

Well I guess my final advice is this:

For too long we have put a price tag on ourselves.  We have allowed ourselves to be sold into a $1,500/month mortgage, $8K vacations to Disney or the Caribbean, and unsecured debt as a result of all the latest electronic contraptions that we feel are necessary in life.  But what we don’t have is better understanding and happiness.  I won’t sing the praise of Ashley Madison as a vehicle to transport us to a better world.  But what we seek when we log onto Ashley Madison is what we really want, a connection to another human being that shares our pursuit of happiness.  Will you find it on Ashley Madison?  Maybe so, maybe not.  But, I would encourage you to take the energy you might have toward one of these social sites and apply it toward finding ways to enjoy life in any way possible.  And to do it by connecting with people not through consumption.

I'll reveal my all time favorite post on Monday.

So don’t be about the cha’ching cha’ching or ba’bling ba’bling; try to make the world dance, forget about the price tag!

Jeder War ein Grosser Krieger Hielten Sich Fuer Captain Kirk

Listening to this song yesterday I realized that I was almost to 99 blog posts.  WOW!  And if I'm almost to 99 blog posts that means I'm almost to 100.  That should call for some type of celebration!

It seems like whenever anyone gets close to 100 of something anymore they always go back and recap the top 10 of that something.  And now I have an ingenuously lazy concept.  Rather than actually writing 11 more entries why don't I just cut and paste my Top 10 Ryan's posts and that will get me to 99 and then I can wrap up with something really smart.  But in the mean time I can catch a break and give myself a few weeks to think up something relevant, or at least something that will take up 2 pages.  :)

So over the next few weeks I will re-post my Top 10 Ryan's AM Adventures Posts.  Perhaps I will task myself to add some annotations as to why these posts are my favorites or how I came to write them.  There will be no quantitative analysis here just the posts that I had the most fun writing and that probably had the least relevance to the advancement of mankind.  And maybe for some of you new readers I can take you back to the silliest stuff back in the archives.

At the risk of sounding snooty please give me a shout if there was anything you have particularly enjoyed, it may affect my ratings!

Wow, this will be fun - I feel like Casey Kasem!