#1 My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die

Ryan's Liner Notes:  I am sorry to sound egoistic but nothing I have ever written makes me continue to laugh like this post, I am fairly proud.  As Larry the Cable Guy says "I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there!"  If only Shannon could read me now.  Of course Shannon, always the one to enjoy flexing her vocabulary and cutting me down to size, would likely say I was being overly "hubristic" as usual.  That's one of her favorite loving terms for me, somebody please tell me what the hell it means!

But again, Riff inspired me as my mind drifted one night.  Are we all counting down to Sept 7th when he alleges that he will return? 


My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die
OK, so today’s title is a movie quote rather than a song lyric, but please read on, this quote sparked a revelation and a potential urban legend in my head!

So I was driving home from work last night and trying to think of lyrics to match with blog entries but I kept hearing Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride saying those famous words “My Name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  So then I thought, that would be a great theme for a blog entry.  And I also thought I must be going crazy if I am hearing the voice of Inigo Montoya in my head. J

Of course, then my mind drifted and I started to think about other movie quotes that would be good for a blog entry.  For example wouldn’t Vote for Pedro be great!  And other quotes started drifting into my mind like “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” and “did you order the code red?”

So then I had to slap myself so I could stay focused on Inigo Montoya!  I started to think about the Princess Bride and how ripe it was for story lines; it is after all one of my all time favorite movies.  Then it occurred to me that I have always related to young Wesley, the movie’s hero.   How many times has Shannon (my wife if you are coming in late to this blog) screamed out in jeopardy “Eek...Ryan, there’s a spider in the sink!”  And me the hero in his best Wesley impersonation says “as you wish” and then humbly dispatches the spider and then saunters back to his work stall.

Then I started to think about the story of Wesley and how he left the farm to go out into the big world to earn enough money to marry his Buttercup and how he was abducted by the Dread Pirate Roberts and then eventually became the Dread Pirate Roberts.  He learned that the man he was taking over for was not in fact the original Dread Pirate Roberts, but someone who took over when the original had retired many years earlier.

And then it hit me like a lightning bolt!

What you say?

Well as I was thinking about Wesley and the Dread Pirate Roberts I also started to think about Riff Dog and Ashley and Me.

You know it seems so peculiar that one month Riff is screwing every MILF in Southern California and the next he is talking about how to sign a record deal or talking about cars like he is one of the Car Talk Guys on NPR.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  And of course there are those urban legends that Riff is actually a female or perhaps a team of ghostwriters.

So my revelation is this:

Riff Dog is not Riff Dog, he is in fact the Dread Pirate Dog Riff and is in fact a series of Dread Pirate Dog Riffs dating back to 2008!

I think the original Dread Pirate Dog Riff ran off with Connie a few years ago to open some Boutique Vineyard north of Sonoma along the Russian River or maybe dropped out to Idaho.  Or would it be more likely that he opened a muscle car shop in San Bernardino?  Nah, I don’t think Connie would go for that, car shop sounds more like Surfer Girl. 

Anyway, my guess is that there have probably been about three or four Dread Pirate Dog Riff’s and that this current “out of commission” period Riff spoke of is in fact a transition to a new Dread Pirate Dog Riff!  What if one of the past Riff’s had passed the baton to William Shatner or some other disciple?

So now my mind is really spinning.  As you know I live near DC and in the best Washington fashion I believe we need to appoint a “Blue Ribbon” commission to investigate this conspiracy or better yet Congressional Hearings!  Can you imagine putting the Dread Pirate Dog Riff in front of that wonderful Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to answer questions on this? J Perhaps she could do it as a live internet stream like she did with her State of the Union response the other week.  That could be fun!

And certainly Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter could weigh in (Sarah on Facebook of course), I’m sure Ann would be gunning for Pirate Riff since she has been the unfortunate and unnamed face of Clair for all these years (poor soul).

So what’s up Riff, we want the truth, as I further envision a conversation with him (camera drifting off into fog…..)

Dread Pirate Riff (in best Nicholson voice): You want answers?

Ryan: I think I'm entitled to them.

Dread Pirate Riff: You want answers?

Ryan: I want the truth!

Dread Pirate Riff: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has women with needs. And those women have to be chased by men with big egos. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Sweet Lou? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Octotherp and you curse Ashley and Me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Octotherp’s project, while pointless, probably saved (sex) lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves (sex) lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Sunset Strip. You need me on that Sunset Strip. We use weird letters like MILF, NSA, FWB...we use these letters as the backbone to a life spent chasing something (skirts). You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an AM profile and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Wow, how did I get from Princess Bride to Jack Nicholson???

Hmmm… and now I am thinking about all this Ashley Madison and blog stuff and how it could connect with Zoolander?

Thoughts anyone?

#2 Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind

Ryan's Liner Notes:  OK I said no quantitative analysis but this post is my all time high for hits.  As you read you will see why this is so because we see the evolution of the Ryan style of prose.  Uh oh, BS alert!  No, with these lyrics this is a natural draw and of course this is where I introduce meeting Ashley and Me for the first time.

This was really fun writing because it was kind of like looking at your old high school annual and seeing how geeky you were when you were trying to "figure it all out."  This tells the story of my first few bungled attempts at reaching out to ladies on AM and the first one that got away.  And you know of all the women I have written to I still get the feeling that Miranda would have been the best match.  She really seemed like a cheerful soul that would have truely been fun to be around.  I can be a bit Vulcan in my demenor in person so I need that captivating person that will pull out my playful side.

Oh well, as Fats Waller say "one never knows, do one?"

I was also tempted to put my Take A Chance on Me (or Riff goes to college) post here but I decided to err on the side of older posts.  So let me give an honorable mention and link to my analogy of how Ashley Madison success is like getting accepted to college.

Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind

OK, so after displaying such good taste in music why quote from the Baha men?  Well please read to the end!  I couldn’t help myself.  As a side note, you know the Baha men are not just a “one hit wonder” they also sang the theme song to “My Man Stanley” a kids show my daughter’s use to watch from the early 2000’s.

Did you ever save projects you did in school that at the time you thought were ingenious and so well written?  Do you look at them now and say “wow that really stunk.”  It has been fun recalling some of my early experiences even though only a few months ago.  On my second round of searching I came across a picture of a beautiful woman in sun glasses looking out toward the ocean (perhaps at Ocean City, MD or Virginia Beach).  Below is what I wrote

Dear Ms. Beach Bunny,

I was struck by your beautiful yet somewhat melancholy profile picture and thought a lot about what you may have been feeling at that moment.  The photo evokes such an image of one looking out to the ocean for solace or an answer.  But do tell me if you were just watching someone swim?

Overall my life is great; I have a wonderful career and am fulfilled as a father.  Personally though, I feel that I am drifting and need to turn to something meaningful soon.

I want to excite and energize someone and be their hero.  I want the opportunity to be the solace one is looking for.  I want to be inspired through someone’s caring energy to be great.  As I saw in a cartoon I just want to be the person my dog thinks I am J

Oh, and I do love to visit wineries, I do love sunsets, I am a “foodie” and love to cook (particularly on the grill) for or with someone special and nothing picks me up like dark chocolate in the afternoon.  I would love to hear a little more about you.  I am happy to chat and equally happy to drive to Alexandria to meet as I know there are many great restaurants that I would love to treat you to.

Sincerely,

R

Yeah, I know – a bit whiney and over dramatic although I do still like the humor of the dog joke, I think it was on a Far Side or a New Yorker.  So with my second round of messages I really tried to open up and connect.  I actually did get a few responses early on.  School Boy Crush wrote back and gave me a private key but said I was not local (look but don’t touch?).  Beach Bunny opened my priority message but never wrote back (apparently not as impressed with my prose as I am).  Upon further research I noticed that someone else on another profile had copied Fitness Buffs’ profile exactly word for word but was about 40 pounds heavier.  I wrote Fitness Buff again to let her know.  She wrote me back and thanked me and said I sounded like a nice guy but was looking for someone local (apparently kindness only gets you so far).  Starting to see a common theme here? Yes like most Metropolitan Areas, DC is a big place.  You see our nations capital is located on a small piece of former swamp land within Southern Maryland but from a commuting standpoint really includes large portions of Virginia, Maryland, and even Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Delaware.  You see your writer here lives in what is called the “Outer Suburbs” a foreign suburban land just past those Red, Orange, and Blue Metro lines and only accessible by long commuting journeys or MARC trains.  Or for ladies inside the Beltway the “wrong side of the tracks.”

But finally, CometoMe2010 did say:       

“am intrigued by your profile, my husband and I are big fans of ***** also (I noted where I graduated in my message) how often could you travel to meet with distance.”

CometoMe2010 and I wrote a few times over the next few weeks and she sent me a private key and told me her name, Miranda.  She has beautiful long Auburn hair, blue eyes, and a very infectious smile.  She said she was looking for someone humorous so I sent a joke with the second message about *****’s state rival.  Something like:

“Did you hear about the fire at *****’s library?  Yeah, it destroyed all five books; the bad part was that two were not even colored in yet!

And, “Do you know why *****’s football team does not have a website?  Because they can’t string 3 w’s  together!”

Miranda sent me some jokes back; one was about sex in a car during an earthquake.  So we are getting some good vibes here.  Additionally, Miranda’s other challenge and what I have found to be why a lot of 30/40-something women are on Ashley Madison is a little challenge for their husbands called ED, yes erectile dysfunction for you Viagra fans.  You see women like good sex as much as us guys and when the well runs dry they are just as prone to go foraging for another source.  Thankfully, I have no problems in this area!  Actually men and women are not exactly alike.  I think we can be satisfied with mediocre sex.  Men are prone to choose quantity over quality where women are aiming for just quality.

Miranda and I ended up trading jokes for about two weeks.  Miranda finally wrote back and said she had met someone local.  I picked up communication with her about a month later when things with that guy turned sour.  We had a tentative date set up but she finally wrote and said she was filing for divorce and deleted her profile.  An interesting side note is that she had 4 private pictures with two being from her wedding, go figure.  Hey but I’m not judgmental.  I really enjoyed and appreciated Miranda’s thoughtfulness and candor and in those early days she kept my confidence up. 

So to recap we have the following notes: 1) as they say in business location, location, location (and mine is a disadvantage), 2) honesty isn’t getting me very far, 3) like I have always heard, women really like guys who make them laugh often even above looks and money.  Oh, and let’s make sure we keep the emphasis here on fun and stay confident!  In my mind I am hearing Mr. Rourke saying “smiles everyone! Smiles! Smiles!”

So with this knowledge I continue to research and that is where experience and knowledge intersect with inspiration.  We are now in early May and one day as I continue seeking information about Ashley Madison I come across a little blog called “Ashley and Me” by some guy named Riff Dog out in LA.  And I have another one of those “ah ha” moments or, to go all biblical, “and on the seventh day he readith of Riff Dog.” Who let the dog out!  Riff!  Riff!

#3 Working Double Time on the Seduction Line

Ryan's Liner Notes:  It's funny that looking back in time we often remember the funny things and the failures and forget some of the successes; maybe it is true that we learn more from failure.  Of course as we live life each moment, success is far more enjoyable at that particular moment.  I am down to #3 on my count and as I look back I have only put failures and reflections in my top 10, what's my problem, am I a masochist?

OK, so the remedy is to put one of my successes in my top 10.  So here is one of my successes and since it is likely that my top favorite post will involve a colossal bumbling failure or some funny poke at Riff Dog let's just call this Ryan's #1 successful sex post!

Enjoy!

Working Double Time on the Seduction Line
OK, so I admit I am someone who is always trying to please.  And with that I have tended to err on the side of using more chic-friendly lyrics for my blog titles.  Of course I have been choosing lyrics Shannon would choose for those blog entries but I have found myself thinking through a lot of Smiths, Cure, Depeche Mode type lyrics for other days as well all because as I say I tend to want to please.  But don’t think I am ever going to find a way to weave in “All the Single Ladies” into a blog entry!

But today I am going full on Guy with some AC/DC lyrics.

So again I have fallen behind in my Sandra tale.  So in my blog life we are now into September.  It is clear Sandra is interested in me we just have to find the right time and space to as she said “consummate this affair!”

Well that time finally presented itself.  I had a light day of work, the cat was away from the house, and it was just a wonderful day to have as I said “an indoor picnic.”

I knew it would be good when Sandra wrote back and said she had just purchased a vintage dress off e-bay that would look great draped over a hotel chair!  J

I like a woman who thinks like that!

So we agreed to meet at a hotel at our half-way point.  I called ahead and got an early 2 pm check in and arrived about 2:15 and called Sandra – she was on her way and would be there in about 15 minutes, I gave her the room number.  No worries now, I’m an old pro at this (well I’ve done it twice now so not quite as nervous).

And of course I did bring an indoor picnic.  A nice bottle of a sweet white wine, some fruit, and Sabra red pepper hummus (great product btw) with pita chips, all things I know Sandra likes, because I’m such a good affair partner!  J

Right at 2:30 I get that wonderful knock on the door and there is Sandra and there is that wonderful dress I hope to take off of her imminently!

But we did sit on the edge of the bed and shared some wine, a snack, and talked for a little bit.  As usual Sandra had a lot of stories about her many puppies.  But Sandra is not coy like Alicia and after a bit she stopped everything and said “OK, you can kiss me now, handsome.”

And I did so eagerly and she kissed back plunging her tongue to mine.  I then kissed her check and down to her neck and stopped there for a few moments.  Soon, I continued kissing down her arm as I unzipped her dress in the back.  She then backed up slightly and pulled the dress down and slowly took off her bra.  I then moved my kissing over to her breasts and gave her just a gentle nibble between the back of my tongue and my bottom teeth.  She gave a quick sign.

I then kissed my way down her belly as I slowly pulled her dress down and then backed up and pulled it off as she lay back on the bed.   Next, off came the shoes and then I kissed my way down her very long legs and lingered right at the top of her right thigh for a bit.  I then pulled off her panties. 

Here I have to admit I took a bit of a double take.  Everything looked great mind you but I guess obtuse me wasn’t expecting a Brazilian wax from a woman in her late 40’s but that A OK with me!  I didn’t linger on the thought long as I quickly moved my tongue around her and then into her slowly moving around her clit.  Sandra was starting to groan and arching her back so I knew she was close.  So I backed up a little and then put my middle finger deeply into her massaging inside and against her pubic bone.  She soon let out a deep sign and organsmed.

She threw her arms back, signed, looked at me and said – “that was wonderful, come here now I want you inside of me.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.  This felt great!

I believe I have mentioned before Shannon is not always really active with sex, she tends to enjoy being serviced and can tend to just be along for the ride.  At the risk of sounding crude Sandra knows how to have sex.  I love the feel of the missionary position because of the intimacy and the feeling of the pelvis moving together in rhythm.  This felt in sync.  However, as I have also mentioned I am the anti-Viagra guy and sometimes have trouble relaxing enough to come.  I think as the archetypal pleaser I tend to focus on the lady and not on me getting off.  But after about 30 minutes (I assume I was not looking at the clock) I sensed now would be a good time for a break so I did my best to relax and let it flow, and it did fairly soon after.

At that point we were fairly tired and sweaty.  This always tends to be the most satisfying part just laying there and remaining “in the moment.”

We probably just talked for about an hour.  I was on my back and Sandra leaning over slightly occasionally lightly massaging my chest with her long beautiful nails.

Something about water has always been erotic for me so I was glad when Sandra was OK with a communal shower.  So we moved to the shower and kissed, soaped, kissed, etc for some time.

At one point Sandra bent over and grinded against me.  That was all I needed to bring on round #2!

But here was the funny challenge.  I am 6 feet tall so slightly above average, Sandra is 5 foot 10 definitely above average.  Most ladies I have been with in similar situations have been in the 5 ft 6 inch range.  Well long story short since guys hips are set lower than women I was finding myself on my tip toes in order to have standing in front of the mirror bathroom sex.  I’m sorry I enjoy laughing at myself.

Anyway, it was fun but was not likely to produce an orgasm from me so we moved to the bed, still dripping wet and continued.  I yes I very much enjoyed being behind and alternately looking down and into the mirror as Sandra moved toward orgasm 3 or 4 (lost count).  And I gladly had my second.

We moved back to the shower for some cuddling and clean up and then got dressed and visited for a bit more and then we had to go back to our lives.

But for about 3 hours it was bliss!

Yeah you, shook me all night (afternoon) long!

#4 Hurts My Ears to Listen Shannon, Burns My Eyes to See

Ryan's Line Notes:  I have really enjoyed writing these notes about these posts almost as much as writing them the first time.  It's like looking at an old high school year book and remembering fondly but sometimes with embarrasment.

So how do I put a positive spin on this one!  Hmmmm...., well I think the answer is -  I don't!

I remember back in high school I was on the swim team and we often liked to play jokes on one another.  One day I was on the bad end of the joke and a couple of guys grabbed me when I was changing and carried me out into the parking lot in nothing but my towel.  At that point there was a desperate battle for that towel.  Thankfully I won but I was out in the parking lot with nothing but a towel and my teen spirit!  Very embarrassing then and no way to spin positively.

So I think I will let this post stand on its own with as little commentary as possible.

But I guess the best thing to say is "boys will be boys!"  :)


Hurts My Ears to Listen Shannon, Burns My Eyes to See
Did I mention I had a Grateful Dead phase in college?  One of my favorite GD songs is Jack Straw from Wichita with the above lyrics.  I believe it is written in the first person as an outlaw on the run is telling his tale in his mind to his lady who must be far away.  I don’t know if I would tell this tale to my lady far away.

So where do I go from here?  We are nearing the mid-point of summer and I am a little shaken from this first intimate Ashley Madison experience.  During the month that you could say I was “seeing” Alecia I had hidden my AM profile.  So I start thinking, what would Riff do?  I’m sure he would pick himself up, dust himself off, and start all over again.  While perusing his blog I see him mention this gal named Claire.  Uh oh…. would I/could I really go there.  Hmm… I could just chalk it up to an experiment as Riff does; if it’s for science then its OK?  Right!

So in this down time for me I go a little off the reservation and create Shannon’nNOVA71 just to get the female perspective, I mean this is for science.  I sort of use my wife as a guidepost.  So Shannon is 5’6,” weights 125#, is 39, limits undecided, lives in NOVA (unspecific), is an attached female looking for males, and her caption is “Life should be Exceptional.”  Her perfect matches are professional/well groomed, stylish/classy, sense of humor, imagination, creative/adventurous, confident, a good listener, casual/social drinker; with interests checked as travel, fine dining, music, dancing, theatre, wine tasting, and I am a social drinker.  Unfortunately I can’t check off her real interests like “Creme de La Mer,” “Sephora,” “Banana Republic,” “Caribbean Vacations,” “anything expensive” – oh wait this isn’t supposed to be real and I said I wouldn’t say anything ill of my Shannon.  OK, I write a few notes about traveling a lot, having a busy life, in sales/marketing, loving a good glass of Riesling, etc.  And I do go a step further than Riff Dog, I include a picture.  Shannon looks a bit like Kate Winslet so I crop this picture (of Kate, not Shannon).  Probably going too far, but I have to or the experiment won’t be complete you know.

So any ladies out there, tell me what do you think I get?

Well as much as I hate to admit it, Shannon got a bit more attention than I have ever received!  Here are the gory stats:

After 3 Days:             200+ notes; countless winks (hey, I just delete those as well)

Of the 200 notes:        75% are requests for keys, access to keys, additions to “my favorites,” and other highly deletable trash

Of Remaining 25%:     mostly quick notes such as “like your profile, please check mine, if interested send me a note at idiot@yahoo.com”

You know the funny thing is that while I was doing this I started to project myself as Shannon and started to think who she would find attractive and if any of these guys were good enough for her.  I wonder if I am in need of some therapy?  Of the 300+ notes by the end of the experiment I would say there were only 5 that, from this male perspective, a normal woman would find interesting.  These were guys who from their public profile were good looking (I didn’t open private photos – didn’t want to see anything revealing) and sounded interesting.  These few took the time to react to interests in Shannon’s profile and made a connection between their interests and her’s.  These few were also the only one’s that set a “vision” of what they might be like, for example what type of restaurant they would like to go to or where they had traveled.  They also had interesting careers or hobbies.  For instance one was a teacher but additionally was a music producer; one a lawyer; one an avid skier.  Of course, that is making the big assumption that they were telling the truth J

But the most funny thing was that one of those 5 had obviously been reading “Ashley and Me” because his note was a complete bullet pointed Riff Dog rip off!  Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t kid because many of my notes have been complete Riff Dog rip offs – ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

The disturbing thing was that one guy from North Carolina (apparently travels to DC for business) would not leave me/Shannon alone.  See, he was from Shannon’s hometown and I made the mistake of responding by saying how do you like it in ******ton?  His first note was fairly nice but his second note included the comment “Damn you’re hot!  Please let me know when we can meet!”  Now even I know begging is never a turn on.

So what did I learn?

·           Yes, all of us guys are jerks.

·           I don’t know why women are interested in us.

·           If I was a woman, I would definitely consider the lesbian option.

·           Wow, if getting this much attention is this exhaustive for just 1 week what must it be like for an attractive woman 364 days a year?

·          Against this competition, I’m not so bad; so let’s hang this up and get back in the ball game!  According to my arithmetic I am more interesting than 98.7% of the Greater DC Ashley Madison male population J

I do learn that having a public picture is really important if you are going to separate yourself.  Like applying for a job you only have a brief few seconds to make a good first impression and that public profile picture is the first thing a women is going to see when she is going to decide if you are any more interesting than the other 300+ options she has on AM.  Yes guys, there are other guys who still have hair, have good abs, and make a lot of money so you need some separation, something that makes you distinct!  So I did add a public picture of myself shoveling snow and looking fairly outdoorsy, but not too close to be obvious.  Hint – a women will get over 100 bare abs pics so show yourself doing something classy or interesting like hiking or skiing or looking out over Paris from the Eiffel Tower, etc.  But don't post anything too obvious you need to preserve "plausible deny ability" - that's be able to lie in Washington-speak, yes I live near DC!  Of course I’m not classy so all I had was shoveling snow J

Overall, it was interesting to have a quick peek into the world women see.

I think there is a scene in the Jerk where Steve Martin thinks he’s invisible and says “think of the great things I can do for society” and then in the next frame you see women running screaming out of a bathroom after he goes in to take a peek.  Yeah, I might have said it was for science but I am not sure if I used it for good L Oh well, at the end of the day I am just a guy!

#5 It's a Magic Kind of Medicine that No Doctor Could Prescribe

Ryan's Liner Notes:  Another two part post but this time not fantasy just a fond memory from my past.

I don't talk a whole lot about sports in this blog because I could easily go off the deep end and bore you with all my knowledge about stuff you are probably not interested in.  But I will tell you I am an absolute NUT about college football and basketball.  In some ways I can archive my life through the year's by March Madness.  Hmmm... 5th grade in 1978 my all time favorite team won the national championship!  1974, literally my 1st sports memory - David Thompson still one of my all-time favorite athletes (winning in the G)!  6th grade in 1979, yeah I look a bit like Larry Bird (shooting the rock that is) :)  1983, wow what a game and what an upset!  1995, missed the game, I don't know which would have been worse the argument I had with Shannon all night or watching UCLA win (yuck)!  1993, gross - stuck in a hotel room in Southern Georgia to interview for a job I didn't want and two teams I hate :(  2002, Maryland won but my new team made a great run to the Sweet 16 (so much more enjoyable when there is a personal connection)! 2010 watching Duke/Butler while doing elliptical in resort fitness center in Mexico (hey I blogged about that).

Just stick a knife in my heart you arrogant prick!

But in 1992, the greatest college game ever played was played between Duke and Kentucky at the Meadowlands.  Even though the dreaded Pukies won you had to love that game!

And for me I love thinking back on that night.

And yes the subtitle is a rip-off of A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon

It's a Magic Kind of Medicine that No Doctor Could Prescribe
Or A Night in the Life of Ryan Beaumont (on Tobacco Road)

To follow up on a theme I hit on last week, I was e-mailing a fellow blogger last Friday which helped me recall a wonderful memory from my early adulthood just after college.  This recollection was also augmented by my FFF entries from the past two weeks where I have hit on the “coming of age” and “lost opportunity” themes.  This is a memory of a truly fun night that came oh so deliciously close to being one of the greatest nights of my life.  But as Spock once said “after a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting.  It is not logical, but it is often true.”  So here is a story from my history.”  And it also celebrates March Madness which of course ends tonight in April!

So our setting is in late March, 1992 on a Saturday night at a frat party in Raleigh, NC.  The backdrop is the NCAA East Regional Championship game between Christian Laettner’s Dreaded Dukies and the University of Kentucky.

now me talking (I would say picture me as River Phoenix but that might be a stretch for him now)…..

I had just finished college the previous August and had started a job in North Carolina a few weeks prior to this particular weekend (yes, I spent a semester finding myself but that would be a different story).  Earlier in the week a friend of mine from college said the frat was going to take a road trip down to Raleigh for the weekend and they were going to “party” with the State and Carolina chapters.  I couldn’t say no to that!

I was a little worried because I really wanted to watch the Duke/Kentucky game that night but I figured there would be a TV around somewhere (yes I am a geek).  So I make the drive over to Raleigh.  Btw, if you have ever been to Raleigh how many damn Jones roads can you have?  I got completely lost between Jones Sausage, Jones Hope, and Buck Jones

 Road, geez!

Anyway I finally found the party right at halftime of the game.  So I got to watch what is probably the best basketball game ever played.  And even though the wrong team won what a beautiful game it was.  It was two great teams playing at the periphery of their abilities and ending on that great full court pass by Grant Hill to Laettner for the buzzer beating shot.  The radio announcer aptly said after the shot “and that’s why they are #1.”

Oh well, luckily the story doesn’t end there!

A few minutes after the game one of my friends, Evan, introduced me to Whitney.  Well, maybe I actually horned in a bit and he introduced me just before I was going to introduce myself.  The truth is Whitney was pretty damn gorgeous and I could tell after about 10 minutes Evan wasn’t going to be able to close the deal so I thought, in the name of team spirit, I should start getting warmed up in the bullpen, lest I was needed later in the game J

Several of us eventually decided to go out to a club the locals knew of.  I quickly navigated/negotiated a ride in the car with Whitney.  As I sat next to her in the car we started to connect on the way to our destination.  Whitney said she was from “Winston” and I worked near so we had some things in common initially.  Btw anyone from Winston-Salem will always just say they are from Winston or from Salem or maybe even Bethabara or any other community in the area but I have never heard anyone say they are from Winston-Salem.

I think Whitney was into preppy guys and that particular night I was dressed a little preppie.  She was a UNC student and if you have been to Chapel Hill you would know that the required uniform of guys is khaki pants and Carolina blue Oxford cloth shirts.  I didn’t exactly have that on but I was wearing a solid white canvass type Ralph Lauren polo jacket and she said “that’s a nice jacket.”  When we got to the club (the name was something like “Lake (something) Boat Club….” but I can’t quite remember) we were going to have to wait in line a bit to get in and it was fairly chilly.  I offered my jacket to Whitney and she gladly accepted and said “you’re sweet” in her sugary Carolina accent!  Yep, I think its time to call Ryan in from the bullpen that curve aught to be "droppin' off the table" tonight in this cool Carolina air!!!

Once inside the club our group settled into an area against a waist high wall (this was an indoor/outdoor club).  Whitney and I sat next to each other on top of the wall, she with my jacket on and me sitting just close enough to be touching shoulders as the music was loud.  The band that was playing was some type of Jimmy Buffet tribute-like band.  Whitney and I did get up a few times to dance.  She was about average height with beautiful light brunette shoulder length hair.  She reminded me of Meredith Salinger.

As an aside ladies, let me tell you there are very few things that are more of a turn on to a guy than a beautiful woman wearing an article of our clothing!

At one point Whitney excused herself and I went to the bar to get the next round of drinks.  After securing drinks we intersected near an area that led to what I guess you could call a smoking area that was a little out of the way.  Luckily nobody was really using the smoking area so there was privacy.  We talked a little and at one point I saw her shiver.  I leaned into her and she leaned back.  In a few moments my right arm was around her waist and just inside the unzipped coat.  We were now chest to chest.  She set her drink down and I set down mine and then lowered my head gently to kiss her.  There was a series of light kisses interchanged with some small talk about something I certainly don’t remember now.  But the kisses grew longer and talk shorter and eventually we were “making out” against the outdoor wall of the club.  She had a tight wool sweater on very similar to the one above and I could feel her chest breathing against mine.  I moved my hand up and gently fondled the outside of her breasts.  She felt so good, tasted so good, and smelled so good – this was unbelievable. 

Unfortunately this was a bar and eventually people meandered into this area.  So I stopped for then, feeling assured that this would continue later……

Sorry, I’m at 2 pages in my Word document and that is my limit lest I be considered a hypocrite.  I will return to this soon! J

Thanks to Mrs H for being my muse on this!

Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei
Ia ora te natura
E mea arofa teie ao nei



In My Younger Days I was so Bad, Laughin' about All the Fun We've Had

Or the Day After a Night in the Life of Ryan Beaumont (on Tobacco Road)

Here is the continuation of my March Madness post from last Friday.  If you missed part one here it is.

Two posts with Jimmy Buffet lyrics, oh no!  I do like Jimmy but trust me I’m not a Parrot head.  I have seen him live twice, both times at the invite of an interested lady!  I think I said somewhere in this blog that I am very shy and that most of my female encounters have been at the behest of the lady.  J Btw, he is great in concert!

Anyway, as I said this club in Raleigh had a Jimmy Buffet tribute band and they did play my second favorite Jimmy Buffet song from above “One Particular Harbor” and Whitney and I slow danced.  This did have that movie-like feel to it.

But alas in any pack of sorority girls there often seems to be one girl who assigns herself to “prick blocking duty.”  And I was unlucky to have Cruella the evil sorority sister on the watch.  Apparently Cruella didn’t feel Whitney deserved me as much as I did. 

So at some point there was a quick and hurried exit from the bar back to the party.  This time I was not lucky enough to make my way into Cruella’s car.  I had to settle for a ride in my best friend’s car, Unfortunate Dave, whose luck has always been notoriously poor.

So I was at the mercy of Cruella and Unfortunate Dave and that is a recipe fraught with disaster!

And so as we approached the labyrinth of Jones Roads we lost our Chapel Hill girls.  My guess is they made that west bound exit on 40 back to UNC and I was left to a bad night’s sleep on some random couch in Raleigh. L  Sad was our life before the advent of cell phones and IM’ing!

One of my favorite “Gen X” movies is Less Than Zero and there is a scene where Andrew McCarthy and Jamie Gertz (btw another one of my all time celebrity crushes) are searching bar to bar for Robert Downey Jr.  I realized the last time I saw the movie that it would be a completely alien concept to have to do that now.  Why would you look for someone when you can just IM them!

“Well I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.  And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one more for dessert.  Then I fumbled through my closet for my clothes, and found my cleanest dirty …..”  Oh wait those are the lyrics to a Kris Kristofferson song, but it was how I felt.  But wait, where is my jacket?  Crap, Whitney still had it as we left the bar!

Oh well, I plan on finding out how to contact her and I’m sure I’ll get it back, or better yet let her keep it and have her!

Well quickly I found that Unfortunate Dave and Evan were of no help in trying to find Whitney, for some reason Evan seemed perturbed at even the thought of helping – I wonder why? J

So I limped back to my side of North Carolina and back to work on Monday hoping to find a way to reconnect with Whitney soon.  But soon never came and so Whitney is now just a fond memory to go back to now and then.   But maybe that is best.

Probably the closest to an HNT I'll do

But this does not end sadly, about two weeks later I would meet Natalie under similar circumstances at a bar my work friends and I frequented on certain nights back in my new hometown in another part of the state.  So my first Carolina girl would be Natalie rather than Whitney.  But that as they say is another story……..  And I never got the jacket back.  But a few months later I bought a brown leather bomber jacket with my first work bonus and that would be my “chic magnet” going forward.  J

Or better yet finishing that kiss!

Author's Note:  Whitney and Natalie were my first Carolina girls but certainly not my last.  I formed an unfortunate affinity for Carolina girls in those formative years that continues to ail me to this day!

  Just in case you were wondering my favorite Jimmy Buffet song is “Chanson pour les petite enfants” but that really doesn’t fit into a sex blog!

And that odd chorus to the song:

Ia Ora Te Natura (Nature lives, life to nature)
E Mea Arofa Teie Ao Nei (Have pity for the Earth, Love the Earth)
Ia Ora Te Natura (Nature lives, life to nature)
E Mea Arofa Teie Ao Nei (Have pity for the Earth, Love the Earth)

Apparently Jimmy Buffet wrote the song after looking at Cook’s Bay in Tahiti.  So enjoy the song below, it will take you to a more tranquil place!