Monday, August 15, 2011

#1 My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die

Ryan's Liner Notes:  I am sorry to sound egoistic but nothing I have ever written makes me continue to laugh like this post, I am fairly proud.  As Larry the Cable Guy says "I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there!"  If only Shannon could read me now.  Of course Shannon, always the one to enjoy flexing her vocabulary and cutting me down to size, would likely say I was being overly "hubristic" as usual.  That's one of her favorite loving terms for me, somebody please tell me what the hell it means!

But again, Riff inspired me as my mind drifted one night.  Are we all counting down to Sept 7th when he alleges that he will return? 

My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die
OK, so today’s title is a movie quote rather than a song lyric, but please read on, this quote sparked a revelation and a potential urban legend in my head!

So I was driving home from work last night and trying to think of lyrics to match with blog entries but I kept hearing Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride saying those famous words “My Name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  So then I thought, that would be a great theme for a blog entry.  And I also thought I must be going crazy if I am hearing the voice of Inigo Montoya in my head. J

Of course, then my mind drifted and I started to think about other movie quotes that would be good for a blog entry.  For example wouldn’t Vote for Pedro be great!  And other quotes started drifting into my mind like “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” and “did you order the code red?”

So then I had to slap myself so I could stay focused on Inigo Montoya!  I started to think about the Princess Bride and how ripe it was for story lines; it is after all one of my all time favorite movies.  Then it occurred to me that I have always related to young Wesley, the movie’s hero.   How many times has Shannon (my wife if you are coming in late to this blog) screamed out in jeopardy “Eek...Ryan, there’s a spider in the sink!”  And me the hero in his best Wesley impersonation says “as you wish” and then humbly dispatches the spider and then saunters back to his work stall.

Then I started to think about the story of Wesley and how he left the farm to go out into the big world to earn enough money to marry his Buttercup and how he was abducted by the Dread Pirate Roberts and then eventually became the Dread Pirate Roberts.  He learned that the man he was taking over for was not in fact the original Dread Pirate Roberts, but someone who took over when the original had retired many years earlier.

And then it hit me like a lightning bolt!

What you say?

Well as I was thinking about Wesley and the Dread Pirate Roberts I also started to think about Riff Dog and Ashley and Me.

You know it seems so peculiar that one month Riff is screwing every MILF in Southern California and the next he is talking about how to sign a record deal or talking about cars like he is one of the Car Talk Guys on NPR.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  And of course there are those urban legends that Riff is actually a female or perhaps a team of ghostwriters.

So my revelation is this:

Riff Dog is not Riff Dog, he is in fact the Dread Pirate Dog Riff and is in fact a series of Dread Pirate Dog Riffs dating back to 2008!

I think the original Dread Pirate Dog Riff ran off with Connie a few years ago to open some Boutique Vineyard north of Sonoma along the Russian River or maybe dropped out to Idaho.  Or would it be more likely that he opened a muscle car shop in San Bernardino?  Nah, I don’t think Connie would go for that, car shop sounds more like Surfer Girl. 

Anyway, my guess is that there have probably been about three or four Dread Pirate Dog Riff’s and that this current “out of commission” period Riff spoke of is in fact a transition to a new Dread Pirate Dog Riff!  What if one of the past Riff’s had passed the baton to William Shatner or some other disciple?

So now my mind is really spinning.  As you know I live near DC and in the best Washington fashion I believe we need to appoint a “Blue Ribbon” commission to investigate this conspiracy or better yet Congressional Hearings!  Can you imagine putting the Dread Pirate Dog Riff in front of that wonderful Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to answer questions on this? J Perhaps she could do it as a live internet stream like she did with her State of the Union response the other week.  That could be fun!

And certainly Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter could weigh in (Sarah on Facebook of course), I’m sure Ann would be gunning for Pirate Riff since she has been the unfortunate and unnamed face of Clair for all these years (poor soul).

So what’s up Riff, we want the truth, as I further envision a conversation with him (camera drifting off into fog…..)

Dread Pirate Riff (in best Nicholson voice): You want answers?

Ryan: I think I'm entitled to them.

Dread Pirate Riff: You want answers?

Ryan: I want the truth!

Dread Pirate Riff: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has women with needs. And those women have to be chased by men with big egos. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Sweet Lou? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Octotherp and you curse Ashley and Me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Octotherp’s project, while pointless, probably saved (sex) lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves (sex) lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Sunset Strip. You need me on that Sunset Strip. We use weird letters like MILF, NSA, FWB...we use these letters as the backbone to a life spent chasing something (skirts). You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an AM profile and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Wow, how did I get from Princess Bride to Jack Nicholson???

Hmmm… and now I am thinking about all this Ashley Madison and blog stuff and how it could connect with Zoolander?

Thoughts anyone?


Anonymous said...

Princess Bride - best book ever! Movie was ok too.

Riff Dog said...

Ha! This cracks me up, but then again, it is about my favorite subject - me!

You're right, this last couple Dread Pirates have kinda dropped the ball. Long breaks, rambling post, it's disgraceful! I hereby nominate you to take over when the next Dread Pirate opening becomes available. Just keep your hands off Gabriela, though . . .

Rosie said...

This was a bit rambly, but hey you brought in Riff Dog so that was extra, extra special. Does he still live? We had to wonder. But since he left a comment recently guess he is still lurking. Let's just tell him that truth. We all have survived rather well by having you, Ryan, as his substitute. That should make his as green as your blog color.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Hey Riff, thanks for the endorsement - it's an honor. Not sure if I would measure up as a Riff. I would feel pressure to go all SoCal and start Yoga, wearing sandals all the time, unbuttoning the top 3 buttons of my shirt, and wearing tee shirts with large Chinese dragon prints. I may be too East Coast uptight for all of that :)

As for Gabriela, man law would preclude me from an intervention there. As for Coquette though, I must say...

Coquette, if you're ever flying into IAD or BWI let me know, I'll pick you up and take you to the Fish Market in Olde Town Alexandria. :)

Anonymous said...

Just about the FUNNIEST post i've read and this *definely* qualifies you as the next Dread Pirate Dog Riff, in my book...

i was laughing out loud...of course, you caught me from the opening of my favorites from the PB movie...

and you segued *just* like Riff does, off on a Nicholson tangent, leaping off from Mandy Patankin....

beautifully done!!