Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Girls, All I Really Want is Girls

If I truly represent Gen X I had to eventually quote some Beastie Boys!

Do you remember way back when you got an allowance or maybe your granddad gave you a dollar just because.  Of course then you went straight to the store to get a candy bar.  And let’s just say in this analogy that the candy bar was $0.75 (remember, I’m pretty old now).  Now, what did you do with that other $0.25 (we’re factoring out taxes right now)?  Save it right?


Of course you walked around the store to find something that was exactly $0.25 even if it was some pack of cheapy gum; you were not going to walk out of that store with a single penny if your life friggin’ depended on it.  Yep that’s right, human (dog) nature!

So what does that have to do with me?  As we were venturing into winter everything was great right!  Well, of course, but that never stopped a guy from doing something he shouldn’t.

Well, my little problem was that figuratively I had another quarter in my Ashley Madison pocket (or rather about 40 credits).  I had been a very good boy for a few months, hiding my profile – not even thinking about it.  But on one Saturday when I was at work and had too much idle time that quarter woke up and started burning a hole in my pocket.

Well what’s a guy to do?  It won’t harm anything to take a quick peak – you don’t even need to unhide your profile on AM to do that.  I had been getting those e-mails from AM telling me about new ladies in the area but had simply been ignoring since things were so good with Sandra – who needed it.  So I faced that moral dilemma and as with the kid in the candy store I think you know what side wins!

So I took just a quick peak at the new ladies in the area.  Some very interesting ladies just happened have signed up recently including LonelyNDC, Needmorenow, Channel, SexyNtheCity, Wouldliketochat….  Well Wouldliketochat wasn’t really – what kind of name is that, who want’s to do just that?  Not me of course!

And then I saw her.  Her photo just jumped out at me.  Long vibrant wavy Auburn hair down to the middle of her back with lovely shoulders exposed from a sleeveless sundress.  Yes, SexyLady was worth reading about and she was online at that very moment!  So I printed off her profile so I could draft a witty note highlighting all of her interests and meshing them with mine.

Among other things she was looking for tall, dark, and handsome; witty; a bad boy; a boy next door (I love it when a lady does that), etc.

So a lot of good info and a lot of my old stuff I can draw from.  So among other things I say.

Dear Ms Beautiful Auburn Hair,
“I’m 6’ and 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I think I qualify for tall, dark, and handsome or at least I am for most of the summer.  Bad boy and boy next door, do you have a split personality?  Well good because I am a bad boy next door!  As for intelligence I do have an MBa and a Minor in English from ******** **** which of course makes me brilliant!  Unless you are a fan of *** then, well… I do know how to read.  Oh – and I’m a sucker for long beautiful Auburn hair!”

And of course I did all the bullet pointed Riff Dog type stuff.

Oh, yes I guess I did send some notes out to Chanel, Needmorenow, and Lonely as well, but I’ll have to get to those later.  J

So about 30 minutes later I get a message back from Sexy Lady.

“like your note, you made me laugh but I deleted it by mistake can you write again?”

So of course I said, screw this and left for the day.  NOT!

I wrote back…

“OMG, I put my soul into that note and you know you can’t just cut and paste in this cruddy AM editor!  But hey, what’s $4 among friends, so here you go.  It’s good I took typing in middle school although I think I just told you how old I am J

A bit daring but I think witty.

She shot back.  “Thanks I would rather have you save your money to buy me a dirty martini.  Btw, I like your school but I’m not into American football.  I’m more of a rugby fan.”

Hmmm….now who around here says American football and likes rugby?  Oh boy, I think I have a Brit on the line here!  Thank you, thank you AM!  And I like the Dirty Martini idea!

So I write back.  “Yes us old guys know how to type and that is why we’re so good with our hands!  Those young guys are all thumbs with the texting J  Don’t like American football, am I sensing someone from a far away island nation?”

She writes back and says “I am not from here but not from England either, think way south.”

Oh Crikey, I think she’s an Aussie!  TABA NABA!  So I ask her if she is from a land down under and ask if we can segue over to e-mail.

The answer is yes and yes among other things and she gives me her e-mail and signs off,
xoxo, Keeley.

“I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

“I like girls!”

Author’s Note:  I have a real thing for English accents.  In fact there are a few lady bloggers who whenever I read them for some reason I hear them with an English accent – I guess it’s just a weird fetish!  Of course, I still love a good Southern Belle’s accent as well and I probably could even go for Fran Dresher’s Jersey accent if she was saying “hahdah Ryan hahdah, hahdah!”  Well, I guess I like any type of accent on a hot lady!

Monday, August 29, 2011

So Happy that You're here with Me

Or Back Up to Speed

First, to Ms. Tempting Sweets - you owe me a damn post!  The answers to my lyrics were going to be an entire post for me and now you've flushed that down the toilet with your perfect response.  So now I'm scrambling to come up with something on the fly.  Thanks!  But wow, you do know your music!

Oh also, are we done now with natural disasters around here.  I could go a whole 'nother 100 years without an earthquake and hurricane in the same week or as I heard it Hurriquakapocalipse.  No natural disasters, that's why I live here!  If I wanted disaster I would live in SF or NO or Detroit for Christ sakes!

Sorry for that rant, so to continue.

I have been drifting for about 2 months out of laziness but have enjoyed recapping my top 10 posts with a little additional information.  I hope you have re-enjoyed those posts!  Give me about one more week (I do actually work sometimes) and then I'll move forward in my bloglifestory.  But first, since I am ever the meticulous, I'll recap where I am in my blog world.  And from this point forward I will try to accelerate and catch up to my current world.  Writing in the past allows you to contemplate but makes it difficult to write about interesting things that sometimes occur in the present.

So for this somewhat blase post I have chosen some more mushy Babies/John Waite lyrics.  But I am happy you're hear with me, it has been such a blast seeing that people read my posts and the comments are like a happy potion to me!  Sorry, I get silly that way sometimes.  :)

When last I wrote about Sandra in my blog-life I was creeping toward the holidays in Winter, 2010 enjoying the last few days of the first decade of the new millineum.

You may remember that I am a 40-something guy living in the Greater DC area and married to a wonderfully hot wife, Shannon, who had recently chosen to seek affection outside of the marriage (she first, then I).  And that wonderfully hot wife also tends to have a HOT temper and tends to see it's her mission in life to make sure I know the world is not centered around me (see my Shannon stories for further details).

So about 3 years ago I developed a friendship with another woman in town, Renee.  I became very close with her but never acted on my emotions.

Then a little over a year ago I stumbled upon a little website called Ashley Madison.  I had some wonderful first steps out into that new world, though all failed.  Then I found a wonderful blog called Ashley and Me and found my pathway to success.  Over the next 6 months I would meet 2 women through Ashley Madison first Alecia and then Sandra.

My relationship with Alecia was very short lived.  Sandra however was still with me and things were going great into the holidays.

So everything in life was good.  A great home, wonderful kids, a good job with benefits, my health, a steady marriage with an extra-curricular affair on the side.  All a guy would ever want.  Surely this is the good life and hopefully nothing would change. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Sexiest Blogger - We Might Get Wet Tonight!

Don't forget to nominate your favorite blogger.


I nominated Kat from Prowling with Kat.  As the consumate Washington Insider I am throwing my endorsment behind her campaign because I find her the best candidate to lead our country through this great time a challenge.  And also, she promised me at least 100 leads on Northern Cali MILFS upon my next visit!  Hey, that's Washington!  Pork Barrell hook-ups, the other way to get laid!

And although this has nothing to do with Sex Blogging.  I have a big admission tonight.  I LOVE NASCAR!

My favorite race of the year is tonight - night racin' at Bristol baby!  The bull-ring, Thunder Valley!

Go Junior!

Now go vote for Kat!

And listen to this if you want to laugh.  Look for me, I'm toward the end of the clip pictured with my brother 'n law!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Na na na na, Hey Hey-ey, Goodbye

Sorry, just in case you were clapping I'm not saying goodbye these lyrics just fit because they are to that Stadium rock song we all know but don't know the name.

I have said before I am a total sports geek.  I am at my most geekish when I am watching ESPN Classic.  It has become somewhat of a joke at the Beaumont home when I am asked by Shannon "is that a current game or some old game."

Actually ESPN Classic is a very good way to live life.  My favorite team played in the BCS Championship a few years ago.  They got behind early but came back and got ahead early in the 4th quarter.  At that point they got tired and ended up losing.  I was at the game and left dejected.  But when the game is on ESPN classic I just turn the TV off after they score that go ahead TD!  Maybe a good philosophy in life, when things are at the best just stop and move onto something else.

So as usual what does this have to do with anything.  Well, one of my favorite shows on ESPN Classic is the Top 5 Reasons.  The show tracks the 5 reasons why some controversal thing happened.  For example "The Top 5 Reasons Ryan Never Played Basketball at Duke."  Those might include #5 he's only 6' tall, #4 he's slow, #3 800 SAT don't get you into Duke, #2 Ryan looks better in fall colors, #1 Duke is Puke!

Additionally on that show they have a "best of the rest" or reasons that didn't make the cut.  So a few months ago as I was collecting lyrics to put into my blog I also started collecting some of my favorite lyrics that probably wouldn't fit into a sex blog.

So here is "Ryan's Best of the Rest."  Great lyrics that are great but may not fit into this blog.
  • turns out he was a missing person that nobody missed at all…
  • Every man knew as the Captain did too T'was the witch of November come    stealing.
  • Anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours
  • Well, don't trust your soul to no backwoods southern lawyer
  • You see, little sister don't miss when she aims her gun
  • Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whiskey. Wish I had a good girl to miss me.
  • And I dare not drown my sorrow in the warm glow of your wine
  • Some folks trust to reason others trust to might, I don't trust to nothin', but I know it comes out right.
  • It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there. Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare
  • The hair is from a little boy and the cross is from someone she has not met
  • She's the girl all the bad guys want….(Actually my hope is that I would be able to use this one some day! - any takers?)
  • But ya know I feel so sad, Down inside my heart that the dollar sign Should be keepin us apart
  • We can reach our destination but we're still a ways away
  • To plant those 'taters and pull up another tomorrow
  • But her final prayer was answered when the rifles fired again
  • Leavin' on a southern train only yesterday you lied; promises of what I seemed to be only watched the time go
  • Blackbird singing in the dead of night.  Take these sunkin' eyes and learn to see
  • Monday morning you sure look fine, Friday I've got travlin' on my mind
  • I fell for you like a child, ohhh.... but the fire went wild
  • She see's my good deeds and she kisses me windy
  • While out across those hills that old moon is settled in and those Carolina stars are shining bright
  • He was just eighteen, proud and brave, but a Yankee laid him in his grave
  • Sleeping under a table at a road side park A man could wake up dead
  • Whiskey river don't run dry; you're all I got take care of me

If you want to play a fun game where no prize will be given take a stab at naming the songs above and who sang them!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Clean Shirt, New Shoes and I don't Know Where I'm Goin' to

Random Thoughts - Another TMI from Moi!

1. When you go to a party, would you rather show up accidentally underdressed or overdressed?

Definitely overdressed - you can always take off the tie and roll up the sleeves.

2. What is something you have won and how did you win it? (Inspired by the An Optimistic Virgin)

I won a lot of swimming ribbons when I was young - I just swam faster than the other kids!

3. Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, end, or top?

Are you kidding, I'm an INTJ - bottom of the tube!

4. What is something your parents used to say to you that you promised yourself you would never say–but now you catch yourself saying frequently?

"What little pig ate here?"

5. What 3 lies did you regularly tell your parents? If applicable, what 3 lies do you tell your parents now?

I did fine on the test
We're just going to the gym tonight to play basketball (actually going to party)
No, I won't have a party while your out of town

6. What is something that you intended to do today but didn’t? Why not? Will you do it tomorrow?

Geez, the day isn't over - I don't know yet.  But I probably forgot a load of laundry.

7. What is something that people do in traffic that really bothers you? (inspired by My Quest To Be A Good Girl)

I hate inconsistency.  Either be agressive or be passive but don't toggle between the two!  If you one or the other I can anticipate but if you change - well that's when accidents happen.

8. Whose autographs have you collected? (You can stop at five, in case you’re an autograph hound or celebrity stalker).

I don't really do autographs because I like to keep the memories.  But did work with Sam Huff once on a project.  I had a KISS guitar pick and did see them backstage.  A few others but nothing too fantastic.  I wrote in my blog about seeing Pink once.

Bonus: Where do you go to find solitude, tranquility or connection to a higher power?

The gym - boot camp (pain and sweat equity can be a powerful elixir)

Friday, August 19, 2011

FFF - The Curl of Her

She puffed her cigarette with vacant satisfaction like I had seen so many times in others.

I laughed yesterday watching Up in Air when prowling 40-something vixen Alex stated “we’re no walk in the park either” referring to lesbianism.

Like Alex’s protégé looking for answers when text dumped by her boyfriend, I too was thinking maybe us women should stick together and leave guys behind. 

So my first move in this new liberated life was to get a tattoo!

I walk by her shop every day.  I was turned on by her confidence as I watched her work above me as she inscribed that rose just below my belly and slightly above my pubic bone.  The curl of her spine was so erotic; she moved like a cat.

As we talked she became aware of my vulnerability.  She said she could close down early if I needed to talk.

Turns out I was just a quest for her.

In that movie Alex also says:

“We all fall for the prick. Pricks are spontaneous, they're unpredictable and they're fun. And then we're surprised when they turn out to be pricks.”

Turns out sometimes those pricks are attached to a female.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

TMI Tuesday - Time May Change Me, but I Can't Trace Time

My first time playing TMI Tuesday, here's the link.  Today is busy but always time to screw off to something new!

1. What ’80s or ’90s fashion did you love but would be embarrassed to wear today, even if it came back in style?  Member's Only jacket perhaps.  We also sometimes wore white termal long sleeve underwhere under tee shirts.  I guess it was a rugged look, not sure why it was cool.  I used to love tank tops.

2. What current fashion do you wear and love? Or What current fashion do you wear but probably shouldn’t?  I am most happy in casual now shorts, tee shirt, and sandals.  Not that it is bad.

3. What was your favorite toy as a kid?  Atari and my basketball goal

4. What is your favorite “toy” today?  My Wii and my Mac

5. Did you ever own a Sony Walkman? A boombox?  Yes and Yes

6. What’s the most played song on your mp3 player?  I go in cycles; STP's Interstate Love Song is probably one of if not my favorite song of all time

7. Who was your best friend in elementary/primary school?  Not sure of relevance here

8. Who is your best friend now?  Call me Lone Wolf McQuade

9. Who was your favorite musical group in your early teens (age 13/14)? Post a photo.  KISS, ELO

10. Who is your favorite musical group now? Post a link to a song of theirs that you like. REM
My favorite REM Song - Driver 8:

Bonus: What do you think is the secret to a good life?

That's easy:

 "Conan! What is best in life?" - "To crush your enemies -- See them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!"
Just kidding of course!  What is best in life is balance and being content with what you are doing and working toward.  For me that is happiness with my daughters, a healthy lifestyle that includes being active, and success in my career.

Monday, August 15, 2011

#1 My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die

Ryan's Liner Notes:  I am sorry to sound egoistic but nothing I have ever written makes me continue to laugh like this post, I am fairly proud.  As Larry the Cable Guy says "I don't care who ya are, that's funny right there!"  If only Shannon could read me now.  Of course Shannon, always the one to enjoy flexing her vocabulary and cutting me down to size, would likely say I was being overly "hubristic" as usual.  That's one of her favorite loving terms for me, somebody please tell me what the hell it means!

But again, Riff inspired me as my mind drifted one night.  Are we all counting down to Sept 7th when he alleges that he will return? 

My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die
OK, so today’s title is a movie quote rather than a song lyric, but please read on, this quote sparked a revelation and a potential urban legend in my head!

So I was driving home from work last night and trying to think of lyrics to match with blog entries but I kept hearing Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride saying those famous words “My Name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  So then I thought, that would be a great theme for a blog entry.  And I also thought I must be going crazy if I am hearing the voice of Inigo Montoya in my head. J

Of course, then my mind drifted and I started to think about other movie quotes that would be good for a blog entry.  For example wouldn’t Vote for Pedro be great!  And other quotes started drifting into my mind like “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” and “did you order the code red?”

So then I had to slap myself so I could stay focused on Inigo Montoya!  I started to think about the Princess Bride and how ripe it was for story lines; it is after all one of my all time favorite movies.  Then it occurred to me that I have always related to young Wesley, the movie’s hero.   How many times has Shannon (my wife if you are coming in late to this blog) screamed out in jeopardy “Eek...Ryan, there’s a spider in the sink!”  And me the hero in his best Wesley impersonation says “as you wish” and then humbly dispatches the spider and then saunters back to his work stall.

Then I started to think about the story of Wesley and how he left the farm to go out into the big world to earn enough money to marry his Buttercup and how he was abducted by the Dread Pirate Roberts and then eventually became the Dread Pirate Roberts.  He learned that the man he was taking over for was not in fact the original Dread Pirate Roberts, but someone who took over when the original had retired many years earlier.

And then it hit me like a lightning bolt!

What you say?

Well as I was thinking about Wesley and the Dread Pirate Roberts I also started to think about Riff Dog and Ashley and Me.

You know it seems so peculiar that one month Riff is screwing every MILF in Southern California and the next he is talking about how to sign a record deal or talking about cars like he is one of the Car Talk Guys on NPR.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  And of course there are those urban legends that Riff is actually a female or perhaps a team of ghostwriters.

So my revelation is this:

Riff Dog is not Riff Dog, he is in fact the Dread Pirate Dog Riff and is in fact a series of Dread Pirate Dog Riffs dating back to 2008!

I think the original Dread Pirate Dog Riff ran off with Connie a few years ago to open some Boutique Vineyard north of Sonoma along the Russian River or maybe dropped out to Idaho.  Or would it be more likely that he opened a muscle car shop in San Bernardino?  Nah, I don’t think Connie would go for that, car shop sounds more like Surfer Girl. 

Anyway, my guess is that there have probably been about three or four Dread Pirate Dog Riff’s and that this current “out of commission” period Riff spoke of is in fact a transition to a new Dread Pirate Dog Riff!  What if one of the past Riff’s had passed the baton to William Shatner or some other disciple?

So now my mind is really spinning.  As you know I live near DC and in the best Washington fashion I believe we need to appoint a “Blue Ribbon” commission to investigate this conspiracy or better yet Congressional Hearings!  Can you imagine putting the Dread Pirate Dog Riff in front of that wonderful Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to answer questions on this? J Perhaps she could do it as a live internet stream like she did with her State of the Union response the other week.  That could be fun!

And certainly Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter could weigh in (Sarah on Facebook of course), I’m sure Ann would be gunning for Pirate Riff since she has been the unfortunate and unnamed face of Clair for all these years (poor soul).

So what’s up Riff, we want the truth, as I further envision a conversation with him (camera drifting off into fog…..)

Dread Pirate Riff (in best Nicholson voice): You want answers?

Ryan: I think I'm entitled to them.

Dread Pirate Riff: You want answers?

Ryan: I want the truth!

Dread Pirate Riff: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has women with needs. And those women have to be chased by men with big egos. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Sweet Lou? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Octotherp and you curse Ashley and Me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Octotherp’s project, while pointless, probably saved (sex) lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves (sex) lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Sunset Strip. You need me on that Sunset Strip. We use weird letters like MILF, NSA, FWB...we use these letters as the backbone to a life spent chasing something (skirts). You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an AM profile and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Wow, how did I get from Princess Bride to Jack Nicholson???

Hmmm… and now I am thinking about all this Ashley Madison and blog stuff and how it could connect with Zoolander?

Thoughts anyone?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

(My 100th!) Can We all Slow Down and Enjoy Right Now

My 100th Post!

You know I’ve been thinking about what lyrics I should use for my 100th post for a long time.  I was planning a true Magnum Opus so the title lyrics needed to be epic, something from the Beatles, Stones, U2, Pearl Jam, etc.  But the other day I was driving my daughters to camp and of course was listening to the required Disney Channel on XM Radio.  I heard the song Price Tag by Jessie J and it just stuck with me as where I am at right now.

Yep, this is what I’m all about now:

            Ain’t about the cha-ching, cha-ching
            Ain’t about the ba-bling, ba-bling
            Wanna make the world dance
            Forget about the price tag”

Of course when you are just a fry cook at Mickey D’s it’s easy to have that attitude!  J

I’ve also been really stuck on that Foster the People Song for some time but I won’t ask you to outrun my bullets! J

I did sort of write a similar recap on my Ashley Madison anniversary back in April that outlined some of my take-aways from my Ashley Madison experiences.  I guess since this is a blogging anniversary I should do something around blogging takeaways.  Or maybe not.

So Ashley Madison’s tag line is “life is short, have an affair.”  Well I won’t speculate on whether anyone should or should not have an affair but life is shorter than we think.

I attended a staff retreat shortly after taking my current job back east.  It was a very tranquil time because I was so happy to be here.  There was a very good speaker at the retreat that gave me two great takeaways.

First, he asked us to write down what age we thought we would live to.  I wrote down 85.  Then he asked us to write down our age.  For me it would have been 40 at the time.  Then he said subtract your age from the age you plan to live to.  For me 85 - 40 = 45.  Then he said multiply that by 52.  So that would be 45 * 52 = 2,340.  Then he said assuming you have to work for a living during the week that is the number of weekends you have left to live.  And then he said how many of those remaining weekends that you have left do want to invest in being miserable.  I think there were some other points he made but the bottom line is that when you put a number on the time you have remaining in the world you start to realize that you need to maximize your happiness in the time you have left in the best manner possible.

Second, the speaker also talked about going through a divorce.  He mentioned an instance when his daughter told him something that infuriated him.  He said what his daughter said “was something just like her mother would say.”  But then he had an epiphany when he realized it was “his daughter’s god given right to be just as much like her mom as she was her dad and that he couldn’t do anything about it, he could only accept it and find a way to appreciate.”

So to recap, bottom line:  not too much time on earth, got to accept people for who they are, and “don’t worry, be happy!”  Well, I just added the “don’t worry, be happy.”  Did I say I was an INTJ or C on DISC.

OK so another thing we are dealing with at this time on earth is this stinkin’ economy.  A few years ago I began to be intrigued by articles like this:

Apparently in this economy many people find they simply can’t get divorced.  Or rather, the life they have put themselves into does not allow them to live without dual incomes.  And often home values drive this inability to divorce.  When you have no equity in your home you have no leverage with which to put yourself into your next living situation.

Now another thing I have been thinking about.  I have been fascinated by Strauss and Howe’s Generations for many years.  As a proud member of Generation X I think divorce tends to be difficult on us not simply because of economic factors but as a reaction to our “Me” generation parents.  We are the first “latch key” children so I believe our way of rebelling is to be more family-centric.  Think Alex P. Keaton who rebelled against his rebellious 60’s hippy parents by being conservative.

So to recap, bottom line:  little time on earth, understand one another, economy bad, we don’t want to be like our parents, and “don’t worry, be happy.”  Wow, how does all that jive Ryan, I think your full of a word that starts with “s” and ends in “t” and rhymes with pit.

So in walks Ashley Madison.  Us Gen X’ers are already computer savvy and along with our Millennial neighbors adept at understanding social networking.  We find ourselves stuck in dead or dormant relationships, we don’t want to do to our kids what our parents generationally did to us, we know our life is finite, and “girls (and guys) just want to have fun.”  I decided to sub in a new lyric.

So is this an Infomercial for Ashley Madison.  Absolutely not, AM is just a kick start or fuel to get you where you may need to go.

So a lot of information and a lot of opinion Ryan but how are you going to bring it back to those Jessie J lyrics?

Well I guess my final advice is this:

For too long we have put a price tag on ourselves.  We have allowed ourselves to be sold into a $1,500/month mortgage, $8K vacations to Disney or the Caribbean, and unsecured debt as a result of all the latest electronic contraptions that we feel are necessary in life.  But what we don’t have is better understanding and happiness.  I won’t sing the praise of Ashley Madison as a vehicle to transport us to a better world.  But what we seek when we log onto Ashley Madison is what we really want, a connection to another human being that shares our pursuit of happiness.  Will you find it on Ashley Madison?  Maybe so, maybe not.  But, I would encourage you to take the energy you might have toward one of these social sites and apply it toward finding ways to enjoy life in any way possible.  And to do it by connecting with people not through consumption.

I'll reveal my all time favorite post on Monday.

So don’t be about the cha’ching cha’ching or ba’bling ba’bling; try to make the world dance, forget about the price tag!

Monday, August 8, 2011

#2 Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind

Ryan's Liner Notes:  OK I said no quantitative analysis but this post is my all time high for hits.  As you read you will see why this is so because we see the evolution of the Ryan style of prose.  Uh oh, BS alert!  No, with these lyrics this is a natural draw and of course this is where I introduce meeting Ashley and Me for the first time.

This was really fun writing because it was kind of like looking at your old high school annual and seeing how geeky you were when you were trying to "figure it all out."  This tells the story of my first few bungled attempts at reaching out to ladies on AM and the first one that got away.  And you know of all the women I have written to I still get the feeling that Miranda would have been the best match.  She really seemed like a cheerful soul that would have truely been fun to be around.  I can be a bit Vulcan in my demenor in person so I need that captivating person that will pull out my playful side.

Oh well, as Fats Waller say "one never knows, do one?"

I was also tempted to put my Take A Chance on Me (or Riff goes to college) post here but I decided to err on the side of older posts.  So let me give an honorable mention and link to my analogy of how Ashley Madison success is like getting accepted to college.

Who Let the Dogs Out! - You Fetch A Woman in Front and Her Man’s Behind
OK, so after displaying such good taste in music why quote from the Baha men?  Well please read to the end!  I couldn’t help myself.  As a side note, you know the Baha men are not just a “one hit wonder” they also sang the theme song to “My Man Stanley” a kids show my daughter’s use to watch from the early 2000’s.

Did you ever save projects you did in school that at the time you thought were ingenious and so well written?  Do you look at them now and say “wow that really stunk.”  It has been fun recalling some of my early experiences even though only a few months ago.  On my second round of searching I came across a picture of a beautiful woman in sun glasses looking out toward the ocean (perhaps at Ocean City, MD or Virginia Beach).  Below is what I wrote

Dear Ms. Beach Bunny,

I was struck by your beautiful yet somewhat melancholy profile picture and thought a lot about what you may have been feeling at that moment.  The photo evokes such an image of one looking out to the ocean for solace or an answer.  But do tell me if you were just watching someone swim?

Overall my life is great; I have a wonderful career and am fulfilled as a father.  Personally though, I feel that I am drifting and need to turn to something meaningful soon.

I want to excite and energize someone and be their hero.  I want the opportunity to be the solace one is looking for.  I want to be inspired through someone’s caring energy to be great.  As I saw in a cartoon I just want to be the person my dog thinks I am J

Oh, and I do love to visit wineries, I do love sunsets, I am a “foodie” and love to cook (particularly on the grill) for or with someone special and nothing picks me up like dark chocolate in the afternoon.  I would love to hear a little more about you.  I am happy to chat and equally happy to drive to Alexandria to meet as I know there are many great restaurants that I would love to treat you to.



Yeah, I know – a bit whiney and over dramatic although I do still like the humor of the dog joke, I think it was on a Far Side or a New Yorker.  So with my second round of messages I really tried to open up and connect.  I actually did get a few responses early on.  School Boy Crush wrote back and gave me a private key but said I was not local (look but don’t touch?).  Beach Bunny opened my priority message but never wrote back (apparently not as impressed with my prose as I am).  Upon further research I noticed that someone else on another profile had copied Fitness Buffs’ profile exactly word for word but was about 40 pounds heavier.  I wrote Fitness Buff again to let her know.  She wrote me back and thanked me and said I sounded like a nice guy but was looking for someone local (apparently kindness only gets you so far).  Starting to see a common theme here? Yes like most Metropolitan Areas, DC is a big place.  You see our nations capital is located on a small piece of former swamp land within Southern Maryland but from a commuting standpoint really includes large portions of Virginia, Maryland, and even Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Delaware.  You see your writer here lives in what is called the “Outer Suburbs” a foreign suburban land just past those Red, Orange, and Blue Metro lines and only accessible by long commuting journeys or MARC trains.  Or for ladies inside the Beltway the “wrong side of the tracks.”

But finally, CometoMe2010 did say:       

“am intrigued by your profile, my husband and I are big fans of ***** also (I noted where I graduated in my message) how often could you travel to meet with distance.”

CometoMe2010 and I wrote a few times over the next few weeks and she sent me a private key and told me her name, Miranda.  She has beautiful long Auburn hair, blue eyes, and a very infectious smile.  She said she was looking for someone humorous so I sent a joke with the second message about *****’s state rival.  Something like:

“Did you hear about the fire at *****’s library?  Yeah, it destroyed all five books; the bad part was that two were not even colored in yet!

And, “Do you know why *****’s football team does not have a website?  Because they can’t string 3 w’s  together!”

Miranda sent me some jokes back; one was about sex in a car during an earthquake.  So we are getting some good vibes here.  Additionally, Miranda’s other challenge and what I have found to be why a lot of 30/40-something women are on Ashley Madison is a little challenge for their husbands called ED, yes erectile dysfunction for you Viagra fans.  You see women like good sex as much as us guys and when the well runs dry they are just as prone to go foraging for another source.  Thankfully, I have no problems in this area!  Actually men and women are not exactly alike.  I think we can be satisfied with mediocre sex.  Men are prone to choose quantity over quality where women are aiming for just quality.

Miranda and I ended up trading jokes for about two weeks.  Miranda finally wrote back and said she had met someone local.  I picked up communication with her about a month later when things with that guy turned sour.  We had a tentative date set up but she finally wrote and said she was filing for divorce and deleted her profile.  An interesting side note is that she had 4 private pictures with two being from her wedding, go figure.  Hey but I’m not judgmental.  I really enjoyed and appreciated Miranda’s thoughtfulness and candor and in those early days she kept my confidence up. 

So to recap we have the following notes: 1) as they say in business location, location, location (and mine is a disadvantage), 2) honesty isn’t getting me very far, 3) like I have always heard, women really like guys who make them laugh often even above looks and money.  Oh, and let’s make sure we keep the emphasis here on fun and stay confident!  In my mind I am hearing Mr. Rourke saying “smiles everyone! Smiles! Smiles!”

So with this knowledge I continue to research and that is where experience and knowledge intersect with inspiration.  We are now in early May and one day as I continue seeking information about Ashley Madison I come across a little blog called “Ashley and Me” by some guy named Riff Dog out in LA.  And I have another one of those “ah ha” moments or, to go all biblical, “and on the seventh day he readith of Riff Dog.” Who let the dog out!  Riff!  Riff!

Friday, August 5, 2011

#3 Working Double Time on the Seduction Line

Ryan's Liner Notes:  It's funny that looking back in time we often remember the funny things and the failures and forget some of the successes; maybe it is true that we learn more from failure.  Of course as we live life each moment, success is far more enjoyable at that particular moment.  I am down to #3 on my count and as I look back I have only put failures and reflections in my top 10, what's my problem, am I a masochist?

OK, so the remedy is to put one of my successes in my top 10.  So here is one of my successes and since it is likely that my top favorite post will involve a colossal bumbling failure or some funny poke at Riff Dog let's just call this Ryan's #1 successful sex post!


Working Double Time on the Seduction Line
OK, so I admit I am someone who is always trying to please.  And with that I have tended to err on the side of using more chic-friendly lyrics for my blog titles.  Of course I have been choosing lyrics Shannon would choose for those blog entries but I have found myself thinking through a lot of Smiths, Cure, Depeche Mode type lyrics for other days as well all because as I say I tend to want to please.  But don’t think I am ever going to find a way to weave in “All the Single Ladies” into a blog entry!

But today I am going full on Guy with some AC/DC lyrics.

So again I have fallen behind in my Sandra tale.  So in my blog life we are now into September.  It is clear Sandra is interested in me we just have to find the right time and space to as she said “consummate this affair!”

Well that time finally presented itself.  I had a light day of work, the cat was away from the house, and it was just a wonderful day to have as I said “an indoor picnic.”

I knew it would be good when Sandra wrote back and said she had just purchased a vintage dress off e-bay that would look great draped over a hotel chair!  J

I like a woman who thinks like that!

So we agreed to meet at a hotel at our half-way point.  I called ahead and got an early 2 pm check in and arrived about 2:15 and called Sandra – she was on her way and would be there in about 15 minutes, I gave her the room number.  No worries now, I’m an old pro at this (well I’ve done it twice now so not quite as nervous).

And of course I did bring an indoor picnic.  A nice bottle of a sweet white wine, some fruit, and Sabra red pepper hummus (great product btw) with pita chips, all things I know Sandra likes, because I’m such a good affair partner!  J

Right at 2:30 I get that wonderful knock on the door and there is Sandra and there is that wonderful dress I hope to take off of her imminently!

But we did sit on the edge of the bed and shared some wine, a snack, and talked for a little bit.  As usual Sandra had a lot of stories about her many puppies.  But Sandra is not coy like Alicia and after a bit she stopped everything and said “OK, you can kiss me now, handsome.”

And I did so eagerly and she kissed back plunging her tongue to mine.  I then kissed her check and down to her neck and stopped there for a few moments.  Soon, I continued kissing down her arm as I unzipped her dress in the back.  She then backed up slightly and pulled the dress down and slowly took off her bra.  I then moved my kissing over to her breasts and gave her just a gentle nibble between the back of my tongue and my bottom teeth.  She gave a quick sign.

I then kissed my way down her belly as I slowly pulled her dress down and then backed up and pulled it off as she lay back on the bed.   Next, off came the shoes and then I kissed my way down her very long legs and lingered right at the top of her right thigh for a bit.  I then pulled off her panties. 

Here I have to admit I took a bit of a double take.  Everything looked great mind you but I guess obtuse me wasn’t expecting a Brazilian wax from a woman in her late 40’s but that A OK with me!  I didn’t linger on the thought long as I quickly moved my tongue around her and then into her slowly moving around her clit.  Sandra was starting to groan and arching her back so I knew she was close.  So I backed up a little and then put my middle finger deeply into her massaging inside and against her pubic bone.  She soon let out a deep sign and organsmed.

She threw her arms back, signed, looked at me and said – “that was wonderful, come here now I want you inside of me.”

She didn’t have to tell me twice.  This felt great!

I believe I have mentioned before Shannon is not always really active with sex, she tends to enjoy being serviced and can tend to just be along for the ride.  At the risk of sounding crude Sandra knows how to have sex.  I love the feel of the missionary position because of the intimacy and the feeling of the pelvis moving together in rhythm.  This felt in sync.  However, as I have also mentioned I am the anti-Viagra guy and sometimes have trouble relaxing enough to come.  I think as the archetypal pleaser I tend to focus on the lady and not on me getting off.  But after about 30 minutes (I assume I was not looking at the clock) I sensed now would be a good time for a break so I did my best to relax and let it flow, and it did fairly soon after.

At that point we were fairly tired and sweaty.  This always tends to be the most satisfying part just laying there and remaining “in the moment.”

We probably just talked for about an hour.  I was on my back and Sandra leaning over slightly occasionally lightly massaging my chest with her long beautiful nails.

Something about water has always been erotic for me so I was glad when Sandra was OK with a communal shower.  So we moved to the shower and kissed, soaped, kissed, etc for some time.

At one point Sandra bent over and grinded against me.  That was all I needed to bring on round #2!

But here was the funny challenge.  I am 6 feet tall so slightly above average, Sandra is 5 foot 10 definitely above average.  Most ladies I have been with in similar situations have been in the 5 ft 6 inch range.  Well long story short since guys hips are set lower than women I was finding myself on my tip toes in order to have standing in front of the mirror bathroom sex.  I’m sorry I enjoy laughing at myself.

Anyway, it was fun but was not likely to produce an orgasm from me so we moved to the bed, still dripping wet and continued.  I yes I very much enjoyed being behind and alternately looking down and into the mirror as Sandra moved toward orgasm 3 or 4 (lost count).  And I gladly had my second.

We moved back to the shower for some cuddling and clean up and then got dressed and visited for a bit more and then we had to go back to our lives.

But for about 3 hours it was bliss!

Yeah you, shook me all night (afternoon) long!