Thursday, June 28, 2012

Retro Summer - the Old Posts: Favorite Humor - Gym Class Heros

"If I was just another dusty record on the shelf
Would you blow me off and play me like everybody else?
If I asked you to scratch my back, could you manage that?
Like yea fucked up, check it Travie, I can handle that"

I know I'm detouring from my normal protocol of lyrics for a title but today, for part II of my Retro Summer/favorite old posts, the group name works best.

I am being pragmatic and calling this a tie between two posts that are very typical Ryan (at least in real life).  It shows two things:  1)  I love hanging out in the gym (hence Gym Class Heroes), 2)  I'm always getting myself in an ethical quandary by trying to balance being a guy with being polite (which often doesn't jive).  Btw, the Gym Class Heros are 'effin awesome in concert; yep, I've seen 'em.

Early on in my blog I realized I was not going to be able to screw enough women I met on Ashley Madison to keep up regular posts.   Sure, I could have been like Riff and just taken summer's off or just written once a month.  But my problem was once I started writing I really enjoyed it.  I started thinking that I might have something to say.  Now I know you are thinking this guy has got some ego!  But when I say I started thinking about having something to say I'm not talking about inspiring written words about world peace, I'm talking about putting into words the crazy shit that goes through a typical guys mind.  Really what got me thinking were some skits I had seen Chris Rock and Dave Chappell perform.  Their schtick was that women's magazines get it all wrong when they are always writing about guys.  What to buy for him, how to make him feel special.  It all sounds so complex making us seem like a truly advanced race of enlightened creatures when in fact we all just wake up in the morning scratch our ass and start thinking about sex!   Well maybe we also think about what to eat and if the Nat's are ever going to get any DAMN hitting on a consistent basis!  OK so there are a few things going on up there but nothing big or enlightened and certainly not complex.  :)

Yes that is what I was going to talk about, the non-complex, the regular Domesticated American married male just being himself.  No pretense.  And if the look became too scary so be it, the women of the bloggosphere would at least get a true tale of the tape.

Here's Travie!

Retro Summer (Favorite Humor I) - You and Me Baby Ain't Nothin' but Mammals
Originally post January 26, 2011

The gym I go to has XM Radio piped in throughout.  In the morning they play 60’s/70’s Classic Rock with a splash of 80’s for us old geezers!  In the evening it’s more contemporary for the younger clientele. I really only work out in the morning occasionally, generally when I have something going on at night.  I also really enjoy watching the back and forth evening tennis match between MSNBC and Fox on the big screens in front of the stair masters.  And there does tend to be a group of cheerleaders from the local college that work out most nights around 6 pm.  Maybe that’s actually why I like working out at night?  At any rate, the other night while working out and watching Chris Mathews (and the cheerleaders) I heard the above song from the Bloodhound Gang and had an epiphany and mentally wrote the story below – tell me what you think of the idea!

Have you heard about this new movie (Hall Pass), what a great idea!

“A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.”

That’s me on the left of course; you can probably see the resemblance to Owen Wilson J Although I think I would find it fairly easy to stay faithful to Christina Applegate!  Ashley Madison should definitely get out ahead of this and get some sponsorship here!

So I have thought of how to combine Ashley Madison and this movie.  You see, Ashley Madison has been so educational for me that I believe it could help in other areas such as my marriage.

How could a cheating website help your marriage, you must be insane!

You see sex for me and Shannon has been on the “down low” for many years.  And to be fair I am more than responsible for that.  Among other things let’s just say that for most of my life I have not exactly been an advocate for oral sex and that has been an issue in our marriage.  But then along came AM and my attitudes have mystically evolved!

First, to explain I have to digress as I often do.  My first sexual experience (freshman in college) was less than satisfying.  I went to college near to where I grew up.  One weekend my parents were out of town and I was house-sitting as good sons do!  Of course I thought it would be nice to have some friends over.  So some of my high school friends who also went to Big State U came over.  One of my female friends from high school brought some of her new friends from her dorm.  I had met one of the friends, Susan, before so we began talking.  She was an interesting person but not particularly attractive to me.  We all drank at my house for awile

Well to make a long story a bit shorter I woke up some hours later in bed at home with Susan giving me a blow job.  Now, I am the ultimate nice guy and since Susan had done this wonderful thing for me I felt obligated to go out with her for some acceptable length of time.  At the time I didn’t know the required relationship time for a blow job but we went out for a few weeks.  Anyway that first experience sort of turned me off of oral sex (both ways for many years).

Now let’s flash forward to 2010 and Ryan is seeking new female relationships through Ashley Madison.  Now one thing I have learned, though not through much practice, is that ladies like oral sex.  So as I begin to meet ladies and as I prepare for that first meeting with Alecia I resolve to be a good oral care giver!  So, being the sports nut, I break down some oral sex game film via soft core porn on Showtime (hey Howard Stern said he does the same thing on Piers Morgan the other night).  I also read Riff Dog’s blog and begin to see in my mind how to best apply this skill to a lucky lady.

Lo and behold on my first time out of the gate I strike gold and am successful, note previous blog where Alecia does orgasm when receiving oral sex from me.  And better yet, I enjoy it!

OK, so how does any of this apply to the movie I mentioned at the top of this blog entry and how it could help a lust-less marriage.  So I am envisioning a dialogue between me and Shannon and it goes like this:

ME:                         Hey Shannon, I have really been thinking and I know you like oral sex and I want to please you, so how about you let me try!

SHANNON:          No way Ryan, you know it would just be too weird now and when a guy doesn’t know what he is doing down there it just tickles and that is a BIG turn off!

ME:                         Shannon, you don’t understand – I have been practicing, and I know I can be good for you!

SHANNON:          What do you mean by practicing!  Don’t tell me you….

ME:                         No no no no, Shannon, it’s not what you think!  I mean, I know we live out in the country but I would never do that to a sheep!

SHANNON:          Oh, OK – I feel better now… sigh.

ME:                         Actually, I have joined this training program created by a website called Ashley Madison and I have graduated from the oral sex program.  See I have a certificate and a seal of approval by their top teacher – Alecia.

SHANNON:          Wow, that’s great, this could be a big turn for us!  Let’s see what you can do!  J

Now doesn’t that sound like a great service!

Retro Summer (Favorite II) - She Saw that Look in His Eyes
Originally posted March 9th, 2011

"I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about - hell. Leo, I ain't embarrassed to use the word - I'm talkin' about ethics."   -   Johnny Casper from Miller's Crossing

I love Gangster movies and this is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite gangster movies.  Of course the thought of a ruthless mob boss talking about ethics is hilarious but when you think about it ethics is always relative to the situation.  To me the proper way to run illegal liquor (in the case of Miller's Crossing) is odd but to the mobsters there are rules and ethics about their work.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, today I did not intend to write an entry.  This is in fact a rare occasion where I am writing directly and off the cuff into Blogger.  But this morning Wally Cleaver on Sex and the Shitty had a wonderful and insightful entry about men and how we relate to women on a "friendly" basis.  The one quote I didn't see in his post from that same Chris Rock bit is when Chris eloquently states correctly that "men are as faithful as their options."  So true, we are just like dogs around food, as faithful as our options!

Anyway, I had read Wally's post while briefly stopping by the office.  I then went over to the gym and spent my time exercising and contemplating the wisdom of the entry and happened upon an ethical paradox.  Hence, the link with the quote above.

And before I start I would really like some female feedback after this (please)!

So here is what happened.  I like to finish a workout with a big blow-out on the rowing machine for about 10 minutes.  The rowing machine is directly behind the row of Stair Masters.  Often while rowing I have noticed that if a women is on the stair master they almost always turn around at one point to see if I'm stairing at their rear end (I'm sure this is instinct).  And of course sometimes I am :)  Today I was on the rowing machine and of course there was a woman on the Stair Master.  She is probably around 40 and fairly attractive.  I have seen her around but don't know her.  Now as much as I portray myself as a cad I am actually a fairly decent guy.  So during my workout I focused my attention on the Will & Grace episode on the TV in front of the machines (Fox was on the other TV and on ESPN they were talking about the Miami Heat's latest choke) and paid no attention to this lady's behind.  Of course inevitably I noticed her out of the corner of my eye look back.  Proudly I knew that she saw there was nothing to fear, the galant Ryan was admirably watching Will & Grace and paying no attention to her!

But then I thought, is this galant?  Is this the right thing?  Dare I say, is this the ethical choice?

This poor lady may now be wondering, is my ass not good enough for this guy?  At 40 am I over the hill, am I not to be coveted any more?

So there-in lies the ethical question of the day?  To look or not to look?  What should the aspiring gentlemen do?

Thoughts anyone?  Or as they used to say on SNL's Coffee Tawk "tawk amongst yourselves."

I'm feeling a little vaclempt :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Retro Summer - The Old Posts: I Could Be a Lot but I Know I'm Not

"'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me or my world
You're the best thing that ever happened, so don't go away.."

So now I come to phase II of my Retro Summer where I really get lazy and just cut and paste some of my favorite posts from the past (or Retro Summer - The Old Posts).  Not that blogging has been the best thing that ever happened to me but I don't want these memories to go away so I throw them back to you now.  And what better way to not let something go away than to re-re-post my favorite Riff Dog related post.

You see I started reading Riff Dog about a month after I first signed onto Ashley Madison.  In a lot of ways he set the road map or action plan for what I would experience over the next year.  Furthermore, in reading Riff I saw how to construct a blog.  Sure it was a great read and his stories were fascinating but he cultivated a "brand" through his posts as well as his responses to comments and even the comments he posted on other pages.  No matter where and when you found Riff it would always be special.  At the risk of sounding like I had a "man crush" no other new message in my gmail inbox ever gave me the gig to my ego like a new comment message from the Big Dog.  He was in fact like the Good House(blog)keeping Seal of Approval!

My blog started off as just a way to tell my story.  I thought Riff did the best job of telling a guy's experience on AM.  But of course his was a "left coast" take on the experience; a guy with that Hollywood swagger.  I was thinking maybe the blogosphere needed an East Coast "regular guy's" experience on AM.  Perhaps I was Kevin James (King of Queen's) to Riff's Jerry Seinfeld or perhaps mine was Ashley and Me meets the Three Stooges!  But as I inevitably started to crave attention I felt the best promotion was to be the occasional foil.  And what better way to be a foil than to be the foil of a famous person, at least within this little circle of friends.  Yes, perhaps some of my early antics like finding Clare on AM and writing to her (and of course blogging about the experience) was a way to Jerry Springer'ize my blog at the slight expense of the Riff Dogger.   :)

At any rate it's kept me here almost 2 years and got my 100 followers.  Which btw I should send a thanks (or perhaps condolences) to Ms B from B's Boulevard who recently became my 100th follower!

But anyway, how about taking a quick listen to this beautiful Style Counsel song and then re-re-read my favorite poke at Riff!  My first re-write of this is here.

Favorite Riff Dog Post - My Name is Inigo Montoya
Originally posted February 28th, 2011
Re-posted August 5th, 2011

OK, so today’s title is a movie quote rather than a song lyric, but please read on, this quote sparked a revelation and a potential urban legend in my head!

So I was driving home from work last night and trying to think of lyrics to match with blog entries but I kept hearing Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride saying those famous words “My Name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  So then I thought, that would be a great theme for a blog entry.  And I also thought I must be going crazy if I am hearing the voice of Inigo Montoya in my head. J

Of course, then my mind drifted and I started to think about other movie quotes that would be good for a blog entry.  For example wouldn’t Vote for Pedro be great!  And other quotes started drifting into my mind like “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” and “did you order the code red?”

So then I had to slap myself so I could stay focused on Inigo Montoya!  I started to think about the Princess Bride and how ripe it was for story lines; it is after all one of my all time favorite movies.  Then it occurred to me that I have always related to young Wesley, the movie’s hero.   How many times has Shannon (my wife if you are coming in late to this blog) screamed out in jeopardy “Eek...Ryan, there’s a spider in the sink!”  And me the hero in his best Wesley impersonation says “as you wish” and then humbly dispatches the spider and then saunters back to his work stall.

Then I started to think about the story of Wesley and how he left the farm to go out into the big world to earn enough money to marry his Buttercup and how he was abducted by the Dread Pirate Roberts and then eventually became the Dread Pirate Roberts.  He learned that the man he was taking over for was not in fact the original Dread Pirate Roberts, but someone who took over when the original had retired many years earlier.

And then it hit me like a lightning bolt!

What you say?

Well as I was thinking about Wesley and the Dread Pirate Roberts I also started to think about Riff Dog and Ashley and Me.

You know it seems so peculiar that one month Riff is screwing every MILF in Southern California and the next he is talking about how to sign a record deal or talking about cars like he is one of the Car Talk Guys on NPR.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  And of course there are those urban legends that Riff is actually a female or perhaps a team of ghostwriters.

So my revelation is this:

Riff Dog is not Riff Dog, he is in fact the Dread Pirate Dog Riff and is in fact a series of Dread Pirate Dog Riffs dating back to 2008!

I think the original Dread Pirate Dog Riff ran off with Connie a few years ago to open some Boutique Vineyard north of Sonoma along the Russian River or maybe dropped out to Idaho.  Or would it be more likely that he opened a muscle car shop in San Bernardino?  Nah, I don’t think Connie would go for that, car shop sounds more like Surfer Girl. 

Anyway, my guess is that there have probably been about three or four Dread Pirate Dog Riff’s and that this current “out of commission” period Riff spoke of is in fact a transition to a new Dread Pirate Dog Riff!  What if one of the past Riff’s had passed the baton to William Shatner or some other disciple?

So now my mind is really spinning.  As you know I live near DC and in the best Washington fashion I believe we need to appoint a “Blue Ribbon” commission to investigate this conspiracy or better yet Congressional Hearings!  Can you imagine putting the Dread Pirate Dog Riff in front of that wonderful Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to answer questions on this? J Perhaps she could do it as a live internet stream like she did with her State of the Union response the other week.  That could be fun!

And certainly Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter could weigh in (Sarah on Facebook of course), I’m sure Ann would be gunning for Pirate Riff since she has been the unfortunate and unnamed face of Clair for all these years (poor soul).

So what’s up Riff, we want the truth, as I further envision a conversation with him (camera drifting off into fog…..)

Dread Pirate Riff (in best Nicholson voice): You want answers?

Ryan: I think I'm entitled to them.

Dread Pirate Riff: You want answers?

Ryan: I want the truth!

Dread Pirate Riff: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has women with needs. And those women have to be chased by men with big egos. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Sweet Lou? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Octotherp and you curse Ashley and Me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Octotherp’s project, while pointless, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Sunset Strip. You need me on that Sunset Strip. We use weird letters like MILF, NSA, FWB...we use these letters as the backbone to a life spent chasing something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an AM profile and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Wow, how did I get from Princess Bride to Jack Nicholson???

Hmmm… and now I am thinking about all this Ashley Madison and blog stuff and how it could connect with Zoolander?

Thoughts anyone?

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Hey Where Did We Go

Today is a two pronged rip-off!  As I said before the entire "old flames" portion of my "retro summer" is a complete rip-off from another blog Crack the Whip I found through Ashley and Me.  The guy on the blog talks about the women of his past in much more alluring detail than I.  But to just tick that rip-off up a notch I am now ripping off something from ESPN Classic.  I am so much the dork that I love ESPN Classic and one of my favorite things on ESPN Classic is the 30 for 30 Series where they have made documentaries about some of the more unique stories over the 30 years of ESPN.  One of my favorite documentaries is about Marcus Dupree, one of the greatest football talents of all time.  He played his freshman season at the University of Oklahoma and was awesome.  But injury, fate, lack of tenacity, and mostly laziness kept him from achieving what was surely to be a Hall of Fame career in the NFL, sounds a bit like me!  Maybe Kat or Sassy somebody will write a post about me some day (Ryan - The Greatest Sex Blogger to Never Write about Sex).  But anyway, Marcus Dupree was in fact, as the documentary is titled, "The Greatest that Never Was."

And yet the documentary shows Marcus today as happy and content, satisfied as a truck driver and a grandfather.  So you come away in awe of the talent wasted but glad that this soft-spoken and good natured person came out OK in the end.  Again, I always like to look at the bright side!

Now onto -

Ryan's Retro Summer

Past Adventure(s) #6/7 (8) - Laurie and Cass (and Jodee), the Best(s) that Never Were

Ah, Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl; what a sweet slice of chocolatey memories.  There was a band I used to love in college called New Potato Caboose.  I think I can get away with saying that as they are from DC (originally formed at Catholic U) and toured widely around the Mid-Atlantic.  I used to see them every time they breezed by Big State U and sometimes even in other towns.  I remember taking Laurie to see them; she was my brown eyed girl.  I remember seeing them with Cass as well she was my Hypie-chick.  My favorite song of NPC was "Gold Plated Crime."  There is a lyric in that song that goes like this "I've never know what it's like to make love and not feel fine."  I certainly agree with that statement and I'd have felt quite fine if I'd made love with any of these fine ladies I list here.  But alas, in these cases we were always just friends.  These ladies are in fact "the Bests that Never Were."

Laurie was beautiful (and still is), she had that Mediterranean look with long dark wavy hair, big dark eyes, and olive skin.  Perhaps she looked just a little like Sophia Coppola.  She was a fraternity little sister and we just clicked from the start.  I probably spent more time with her playing tennis, hiking, going out to dinner, or just talking than any girlfriend I ever had.  And as I often did I played my Svengali roll by getting her a job at my college work-place.  Yeah Tish, Laurie, Meredith... Ryan would pick up any lost cute puppie and give her a job.  But it did make work fun!  I think early on I set the friend/big bro message and that could somehow never be retracted.  Probably best though.  Of all the memories I have shared, my private memories of Laurie are the best of all these fine ladies and that is because they are in no way tainted by the pain of a break-up or let down.  So sometimes unrequited feeling can be best.

This song also works fairly well for Cass.  She was not a brown eyed girl, rather vibrant red hair with blue eyes.  She was often at those New Potato Caboose shows around BSU.  She was a big-time Deadhead chick and that band New Potato Caboose played a lot of Dead songs.

I've been thinking about Cass a lot lately because that Wildling chick on Game of Thrones looks a lot like her to me.  I wish I could have done the Wild Thing with Cass but alas we were just friends as well (I think).

I've also been thinking about Cass a lot lately because she is another one of my Facebook pals.  The funny thing with Cass is that memories do fade and you begin to wonder what really happened.  Cass recently "friended" me on Facebook and sent several glowing messages about how happy she was to get in touch.  Among other things she asked about the times we went out and if I remembered kissing her.  I didn't, I think she was thinking we had sex but I'm pretty sure we did not.   I mean, I wish we did and as a guy I think I am more likely to think I did even if I didn't so this seemed odd.  But then again, I am easily confused so one really never knows with me so maybe we did.  I'm thinking she has me confused with some other guy.  But who knows, maybe I should just work up a mental image and go with it?  She also asked me if I had any pictures from the formal we went to once but I didn't.  She eventually found some and put them on her page.  My but I was a handsome devil back then!  Actually that is a lie 'cause she just had pictures of her, I must have been elsewhere but she did say I was handsome so let's just imagine.

But what about this Jodee girl, why is she here?

Well, I have to admit I feel a bit odd about spending time talking about a girl I only went out with once.  I mean I know I'm a dork but I'm not such a dork that I would pine away for some girl I only went out with once.  

Jodee was another one of those girls I met in my new town after college.  Well, one of the one's I met before Shannon and then I didn't really meet any more after her of course.

I mention Jodee here because it was in fact the most haunting date I had ever been on.  No she was not a creepy girl at all, she was beautiful.  She had that Mediterranean look with long dark wavy hair, hazel eyes, and olive skin.  Perhaps she looked a little like Sophia Coppola.
Wait, didn't I just write something like that recently?

You know you would be right.  And that is where the creepy part comes in.  I remember seeing Jodee in my new city just after college.  I think this was in between chasing games with Brianne.  I remember actually feeling a shock to the heart when I first saw her.  I started to go over and say "Laurie, what are you doing here."  The resemblance was CRAZY!

From that moment I had to get to know her and I did.  It was very casual at first, I dared not tell her why I was attracted to her.  That would come off as creepy.

Eventually I did ask her out.  A guy I knew at work had tickets to the NBA team (a few towns over) so that's what we decided to do along with dinner beforehand.

It was a disaster!  Jodee's appearance, so hauntingly like Laurie, had me off the whole night.  I lost my mojo; I was off and there was no turning "it" on.  It was like my hard drive crashed.  I had the Laurie disk in my head and it wouldn't eject and I couldn't find my Jodee flash drive.  So many times I came so close to saying Laurie's name that by dessert I was too spooked to talk.  Sometimes I just caught myself staring at her (jaw probably open) not knowing what to say or feel.  And so we sat largely in silence.  During the game I could tell Jodee was bored but I had no game to change the momentum.  It was a long and excruciating ride home

In the end I would have been glad to go out with her again but the creepiness enraptured me and certainly made me tentative and thus not interesting.  Jodee never really talked to me again and even though I saw her on occasion I didn't push.  Jodee was a Jersey girl though.  Too bad she didn't look like Tish; I'd have know just what to do!

Hey if you took a listen to that New Potato Caboose Track above and liked it keep an eye out for them, sometimes they still show up at the State Theater in Falls Church, VA.  If you go who knows you might run into a 40-something dude with a vacant Michael Scott-styled look that perhaps vaguely resembles Harry Connick and/or John Ritter (some more visual, you figure it out).    :)

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Big Girls Don't Cry-yi-yi, (they don't cry)

Ryan's Retro Summer

Past Adventure #5 - Trish (A Jersey Tale)

Guys, if you've never dated a "Jersey Girl" I'd suggest you do.  You need to get a Jersey Girl on your portfolio for perspective, they are a class unto themselves.  True, I have tended toward the "Southern Belle" more in my life but I am so glad to have known Tish, my Jersey Girl from my past.  And to honor my Jersey girl I have left you with a lyric from those famous Jersey Boys!

Because there is no such thing as the University of New Jersey chances are if you go to college anywhere along the eastern seaboard of the US you will be inundated with Jersey Girls.  Well, you'll have Jersey guys as well but I've just never been that attracted to the Joey Buttafuoco type so let's just stay on the subject of Jersey Girls (btw I think Joey B is actually from Lawng EYeland).  I guess Rutgers would qualify as U of NJ but have you been to New Brunswick?  You say No?  Well, I've been and I say good for you; it doesn't need to be on your bucket list!  To me it was really just a "mixing bowl" of exit ramps off the Jersey Turnpike.  And how can you have urban decay and trailer court trashy in the same town (wtf)?

I think somewhere back in my blog I mentioned working in college and doing a lot of pouring of drinks and serving of coffee et al.  In fact Ryan was pretty good at it and toward the end of his college career was in fact a manager of sorts.  Sure it was low pay but back then and in college $1,500/month was rolling in cash for a young man with nothing to spend his money on save rent, textbooks, and chasing girls!

Tish was from Jersey and she worked with me.  Well, since I was the manager I guess she worked for me. But then again, does a Jersey girl really ever work for someone else?  Yeah, she may have worked for me on some org chart but she worked me over pretty good!

Yes, Tish was quite "the Dish!"
As I've done with my other girls let's set a visual.  Tish was very petite and perky.  About 5'2", very cute, and with big brunette Jersey hair.  I would say she struck me as a little like Marissa Tomei or maybe even more specifically Illeana Douglas (who I think is very hot).

I had just gotten back to Big State U after a wonderful summer in Florida which I have previously mentioned.  My experience there with Chelle had boosted my confidence immensely!  I had worked with Tish the previous year and now that I was back at good Ole' BSU I had set my horizons on going out with her.  I always work best on deadline and I had given myself a week to ask her out.

And that I did and yes we went out.  If I'm remembering correctly it was nothing big, in fact I think we went out to a bar and watched Monday Night Football of all things.  I'll mention this, Tish's only fault was that she was a Giants fan but then again she was from Jersey so that would be expected.  But Ryan is ever the accommodating soul so even though I am a Redskins fan we went out to watch the Giants and those Dirty Rotten Philadelphia Eagles (obviously Tish was from North Jersey, since the Eagles in fact are the official team of South Jersey).  We had a great time, Tish was so cool.  She was hot, could drink with the boys, yelled and cursed at the Eagles, and probably belched out load too.  I actually don't remember her belching but if you know Jersey girls they don't mind letting it all hang out.

After the game I drove her home and walked her to the door.  Now Ryan the Southern Gentleman was asking her about what she was doing that week, saying "isn't it a lovely night," yada, yada.  You know, making polite conversation.  As I finish up what I was saying Tish (the Jersey Girl) abruptly plants a kiss on me; I'm sure she was bored with my Southern charm!  That's about it for that night but the trend had been established.  We were not dealing with a blushing Southern Belle, Tish was a full on Jersey Girl who had no problem taking what she wanted.

So in the coming weeks I let her take me.

WOW what a pistol she was!  Sex with Tish was a full on a work out.  As that other famous Jersey boy once wrote "just wrap your legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands round my engines.."   Yeah, Tish's legs felt so good wrapped around mine.  Why that song has never made it as New Jersey's official song IDK (note: NJ is the only state in the Union without a state song).  Anyway Tish and I were like a couple of tramps on the run!

I particularly remember one time after work after a busy Saturday night.  We had talked about catching up with friends for a drink after we finished but it was so busy going out after looked more and more unlikely.  We had stole a couple of horny glances at one another and I think she pinched me on the butt once as she passed by, shaking her butt as she walked away and giving me that sly smile of hers.  Yes, Tish that little Jersey girl was quite the little seductress, so innocent and sweet in public but a wildcat in private.  It was close to midnight before we finished up, a little late to catch up with others.  I told her I'd give her a ride home and she said come inside for a drink.

We walked into her apartment and she started walking straight down the hall stripping and dropping clothes as she walked away, I just watched a bit dumbfounded.  About half way down the hall she looks back wearing nothing at this point save her black lacy undies and her wry smile (as her bra fell to the floor) and she said "what are you waiting for are you coming?"

I quickly caught up to her and grabbed her kissing her as she climbed up me and wrapped her legs around me.  From there I awkwardly carried her back into her room.  She began peeling off my clothes.  About half undressed I picked her back up and threw her onto her bed.  She was now on her back legs slightly apart as I took off the rest of my clothes.  She watched through the break in her legs as if she was a big cat watching it's prey.  I climbed onto the bed and knelt before her slowly massaging her feet and then running my hands up her legs to her knees.  At her knees I abruptly pushed them apart and moved between.  I slipped my hand inside those black panties, her last remaining article of clothing.

I felt my way inside her and started to massage her clit.  As she started to moan I slowly began to pull her panties over her legs.  Once off I moved my body down to and on top of her.  I slid quickly in and was immediately fucking her as fast and hard as I could.  We were like two pistons working on overdrive.

But soon we rolled or perhaps slid over in a sweaty mess.  Now Tish was on top.  As great as any sex was with Tish on top and in cowgirl position was in fact her forte.  She moved quickly and efficiently her smallish but perfectly shaped pert breast bouncing before my eyes.  Her ass felt so good to the touch as my hands moved behind it as she glided over me.  At one point Tish made an seemingly effortless and thrilling pivot to reverse cowgirl.  I leaned up slightly on my elbows and just watched the show in euphoric appreciation.  The sight of her body working over mine and her ass flexing up and down over me quickly sent me to an explosively hard and longer than normal orgasm.

The great thing about Tish also was that she had that split personality of a "wildcat" in bed but then could transition so quickly to the sweetest girl you would ever know.  After sex we walked naked to the kitchen and found some cold pizza and then curled up on the couch and watched some movie like Fandango on TNT I think (remember Millineals no Dish on demand or TiVo back in the day)!  Hey great movie quote from Fandango "they're (Philip's parents) from New Jersey Philip, they've seen butts before!"

That night was awesome and many other awesome nights would follow over the next few months.

But soon reality started to creep up.  Remember how I said Tish worked for me.  Well if Jersey Girls are hard enough to work with, imagine how they are when you are also dating one as well!

You see Ryan made schedules and decided who worked where.  Now stupid me the slave to corporate profitability who believed in a merit system of scheduling would schedule staff where I thought they would do the best work for the company.  Tish was an outstanding employee btw, very quick, efficient, and as you may have guessed guest didn't mind looking at her ass either.

Well since Ryan knew Tish was one of his best employees he thought she should accept the challenge of working the toughest assignments.  You know, take it for the team!  That was my spirit, surely everyone else thought the same.  And because Tish was so good, she wouldn't ever need any help from the boss (Ryan); she could work on her own with no need for supervision.  That would allow Ryan to focus on teammembers who let's say needed more direct supervision.

Let's just say Tish didn't share the same passion of the company's mission statement that Ryan did.  I guess since she had allowed me the honor of screwing her from behind and given me that fine mental image of her soft pert ass gyrating in rhythm with my hips, she figured she deserved the best station, the best TIPS, and the most help.  When Ryan went to the aide of others, well in Tish's mind that was just a dereliction of faith.

Obviously this was a situation fraught with disaster!

And so Ryan had to make a judgement call, the company mission or Tish's ass.  I know, I know you say "that is such an easy decision Ryan!"  Yes, I know what I'd do now.  But remember for most of my life I've been so stupid I could "fuck up a wet dream" as they say sometimes.  Yes back then I was stupid.  I thought, this was my first chance at supervision.  This was important for my future and my resume.  And besides what does it say about a relationship if I have to compromise my principles to get laid.  Yes, I took the honorable and noble route and held my ground.

And since I did the stupid thing and voted my conscious, Tish eventually found someone else.

Oh well?

Thank god I've grown up and know now to pick ass over principles!

Here are those Jersey boys now.  You can see them in DC sometimes at the National Theater.  It's not actually Frankie Vallie and his boys it's one of those fancy stage shows but you'll get the point.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I Go for Younger Women

So the song goes as follows:

"I go for younger women,
Lived with several awhile,
And though I ran away, They'll come back one day.
And still I can manage a smile
It just takes awhile, just takes awhile."   J Buffett

I have never been a pirate but I have dated several younger women and I guess I am an over 40 victim of fate!  In fact until Sandra I had never dated an older woman (well Wendy is one month older but I don't think that counts).  I am 5 years senior to Shannon and that has sort of been my trend.

Ryan's Retro Summer

Past Adventure #4 Brianne (A Game of Cat and Mouse)

I love younger women because I like their energy and love the fact that they often think I'm smart and sophisticated and want to get all dressed up for me.  Yes I do have an ego and often the more mature women are simply able to call me out pretty quickly since they have the sage wisdom found in years of observing men being men (boys)!

The down side to younger women is that they can be coy and play games.  Often they want to be chased and want you to read into the meaning of what they say.  "Your a jerk" might mean that I'm a jerk or it might mean "you are a bad bad boy and I like bad boys so keep that smug look on your face and seduce me!"  Sometimes it just comes down to random chance with younger women but that's OK.

Brieanne was a classic younger woman.  About a year after moving to my new city after college I met her.  Let's just say she worked in an area adjacent to where I worked and in addition was an occasional customer so to speak.  I was about 25 at the time and she was probably in her junior year of college so about 20/21.  She was very cute and petite; about 5'4" and probably only weighed about 110#'s if that.  She had long wavy brunett hair.  But most importantly she had the roundest, tightest, most perfect ass I had ever seen.  We tend to talk about the "hour glass" figure and hip to waist ratios and those are important.  Brianne had those knocked out quite well.  But what we often forget is that the "hour glass" figure is a two dimensional concept.  What I like is that curvature when you are looking from the side.  I love the three dimensional perfect orb-like look with two nice cheeks.  Sorry, I drifted a bit as I was thinking about Brianne's beautiful ass eyes!

Oh wait, I always have to give a visual as well.  Let's go with Melissa Gilbert.  No I was not trying to tag little Laura Ingalls; I'm talking about a more grown up Melissa Gilbert like this!

So anyway, I started seeing Brianne in and around work over a period of time.  As time went on she found new and longer ways to stop by and see me.  After some time I started to think this was not random and that she might be flirting.  In fact at times it almost became somewhat bothersome.  I know it's hard to believe but sometimes I do actually work and at times she was inhibiting that.  But then I would look at her ass and forget about everything else.

But eventually one day she said "my friends and I are going down to Friday at 5, are you going tonight (I had probably said I liked to go to that particular thing where bands played downtown after work)?"

Well, how could I say no to that.  We made plans to meet around a certain area at a certain time.  I know what you guys are saying, why didn't you just text her when you got there but you Millenials have to understand that there was a time way before the dawn of history back in the 90's where we didn't carry cell phones and didn't text.  Well, I think I had one of those "beepers" back then just like all the drug dealers (though I didn't sell drugs) but it was different back then.

Anyway I gathered some friends and headed down to Friday at 5.  Btw, on one of those Friday at 5's I saw Hootie and the Blowfish way before they started playing golf with famous people and singing country songs, but let's keep that to ourselves.  I don't remember if Hootie was playing this particular Friday.

We had a great time that night and I did spend a lot of time with Brieanne.  Although out on the town she was not much of a talker and I had to carry the conversation which is often not good.  But I left things on a good note.  NO, we didn't hook up but we did talk about going to dinner or seeing the Comedy Club, et al.  We did go out a couple of times after that.

But the funny thing was that as mysteriously as Brieanne started to appear at my work and hang out she mysteriously stopped.  I called her a few times and she was very distant.  We didn't go out again after maybe two weeks.

Now, if our story stopped here you would just say "Ryan, she blew you off because after spending time with you she realized you are a dooface, just like the older women know up front!"

Well don't worry, I didn't think on it much.

But the story doesn't end there!

I did see Brieanne occasionally after our brief 2 week no contact relationship.  She was alway pleasant and did sometimes stay and chat but not like before and I didn't get the same vibe as before.

But lo and behold about 6 months later she comes in one day straight out of the blue and asks ME out to a Jimmy Buffett concert.  Now, I was a little leery of the request.  You know what I was thinking, she just wants a chauffer/designated driver for her and all her gal pals.  Surely I'm not that gullible?  Well, actually I am so I said I would be delighted to go.

But when I asked her about her friends it becomes apparent that there is not group of gal-pals, this is an honest to goodness girl asking out guy kind of deal.  That don't happen too often!

Now as you know it doesn't take much to confuse me so I was confused.  But then again I've never been accused of dwelling on things that confuse me so I just go along and say I would be delighted to go.  I'm certainly not a Parrott Head but I do enjoy Jimmy.  I had seen him once before (with another girl/ another story) and he gives a great show so I looked forward to seeing him again.  Oh, and just in case you were worried about Ryan and gullibility yeah I did end up shelling out for the tickets and drove her to the concert and did take her out to dinner.  But it does say I'm a nice guy right up there in the title!

So we go to the concert and did have a great time!  And I did get a kiss goodnight this time and a dinner date the next weekend.  Over the next few weeks we talked sometimes around work, at times over a lunch break but more often talked over the phone.  The thing was she would never go away.  It seemed as if I kept talking she would keep listening until eternity.  That kind of rubbed me the wrong way.  I know myself better than anybody and I know I ain't that interesting!  But I kept thinking about that ass and how much I wanted my hands around that ass or better yet to be behind that ass and between those legs!

But as much as our Brieanne seemed fascinated by me she also remained eternally coy.  Dinner would always seem to be followed by a walk and maybe ice cream.  There was kissing to be sure but always initiated by me and she never positioned herself as if to say "I'm ready to go further."

One night when the kisses were a little more passionate than before I said let's go back over to my place.  I think I mentioned a movie being on TV as if I needed a reason for her to come over other than that I wanted her naked and on all fours in front of me.  I was really starting to think about how good it was going to feel  running my fingers through that long wavy hair as it cascaded down her back.  Then I would run my hands down her back to her hips as I plunged into her.  God the site of that ass smacking into my hips was going to feel and look glorious!

But alas, she had others plans, had to work early tomorrow, had to call her mom, had to let the cat out, had to, had to, had to do anything other than go back to my place and *uck my brains out.

But I am also patient and I felt this was good, our intentions are out in the open now.

Except that once again just as the Brianne tide had rolled in before and then gently rolled out it was once again receding after that high tide of the Parrott head concert.  The following week I did not see my dear Brianne.  No hanging out and bothering me, no phone calls just to talk, no more dates, and certainly no sex.  

Yes my game of cat and mouse was over.  In the end I'm not sure if I was the cat or the mouse but I damn sure went away hungry.

But I did get to see Jimmy!  Always like to look on the bright side of life (as they say on the Life of Bryan)!

"but I've got to stop wishin', got to go fishin'
I'm down to rock bottom again. Just a few friends,
Just a few friends."   J Buffett

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Her Name Was Ann and I'll Be Damned

Ryan's Retro Summer:

Past Adventure #3 - Ann (Ryan Tries on a Grunge Chick for Size)

First I have to say a word on the lyrics above from Gordon Lightfoot's song "Carefree Highway."  I obviously like a lot of different types of music but if I was ever stranded on an island and could only pick one artist to listen to the rest my life (I don't know why I would be facing that dilema but let's just go with it) I would probably pick Gordo.  Why does it fit here?  Well I guess meeting Ann was in a fairly carefree time in my life.  The lyrics go on to say "her name was Ann and I'll be damned if I recall her face; she left me not knowing what to do."  Well I do remember her face and I think most women leave me knowing exactly what to do, RUN!   :)

But then again I do want to live the life of one of those Gordon Lightfoot songs one day, running away with some hard-drinking Cannuck lass way back in the woods.

But her name is/was Ann and I love Gordon Lightfoot so there you go.

Actually it would be better to do something like this:

"the way you talk down to me sends a chill right down through me..."

Wait that would be more like Shannon and no this story is not about bondage and humiliation!  But that lyric does come from the Southern Culture on the Skids song "White Trash" and SCOTS will be a central figure in our "Ann" story.  Btw, if you ever get a chance to see SCOTS do it; damn they do an awesome version of "Rose Garden," and have a song about Banana Pudding!

So on to my Ann story:

"Her name was Ann and I'll be damned" that frat boys can create a great atmosphere for a "hook up."

Wait, that is an odd way to start?

OK let's start with this.  Ann was a roommate of three girls I knew from my fraternity (little sisters).  She was kind of "pixie-like" cute.  Probably about 5'5", thin, with short reddish hair and blue eyes.  Let's visualize her as a bit like Allison Hannigan from those American pie movies; that personality type suits Ann fairly well.  She was a bit geeky and quite demur.  She was an English major and played the part by wearing a lot of grey and black stuff with fluffy cashmire like sweaters.  Very brainy and colliagiate looking if you go to college in Seattle and hang out in coffee shops all day reading books of poetry by dead English poets who cut off their ears for women who wouldn't screw them (or am I getting that mixed up with French impressionists, idk).  But obviously she was just perfect for a dumb, jockish frat guy like moi.  But much like I am here I do like to dabble in a variety of activities so sometimes I liked to veer away from those "keggers" and catch an Alt-rock band like the Dead Milkmen or Love Tractor if they were passing by Big State U.

I knew Ann and had talked to her several times.  She was not very approachable and seemed perpetually in a bad mood.  But my obtusity often serves me well so I would talk to her when others had been shooed away because I was simply too stupid to be insulted by her brooding and sarcastic nature!   :)

I have no idea why she was at "THAT" bar that night.  It was THE signature fraternity bar at Big State U so she was certainly WAY out of her element.  It was packed inside and so me and my friend Unfortunate Dave were outside when we bumped into Jules and Kim (and Ann, obviously dragged along).  So we drank and talked on that balcony above the sand volleyball pits below.  At some point Dave, Jules, and Kim drifted off.  I think Ann was too scared to go inside so I stayed and talked to her.

And then it happened.  Opportunity in the form of a drunk Frat guy came in for a landing.  Yep this drunk guy walks outside with TKE sewed onto his chest, turns the corner, does an about-face, unzips his pants, pulls out his pecker, and starts pissing on the side of the building approximately 5 feet from where Ann and I stood.  He follows up his rather lengthy and volumous piss with a very loud belch and then turns to Ann, smiles, and says "what are you looking at bitch" upon seeing her frown!  Then Mr. TKE turned to go back into the bar leaving behind a very audible final salvo from his other end as he walked away!

Ann was visably disgussed and I could tell she could not get out of there fast enough.

And so the valliant Ryan says "hey Ann I think Southern Culture on the Skids is playing down at the *****; let's get outta here."

He shoots!  He scores!

A slight and begrudging smile broke across Ann's face and she said "sure," biting her lip as if to hide the fact that she might actually want to go somewhere with me.  We walked down the street to the ***** and that is where my brooding little grunge girl opened up.  We danced, drank, sang, fell on top of each other yada yada.  It was like a scene from a "brat pack" movie.  Later we just walked around town in the cool early spring air.  I took the bus home with her as I certainly wanted to make sure she got home safely (neither of us had driven and we had thankfully lost our rides).

Once at "her place" I was invited to crash on the couch for the night as I didn't live close by.  I said yes and thanks knowing full well my intention was NOT to sleep on the couch!

Well, I didn't sleep on the couch but I didn't get layed either, that night.  Plenty of kissing, etc.  But I broke through the next weekend after a nice hike at one of my favorite spots, followed by a dinner at one of my favorite spots up in the mountains which both preceded a very satisfying night (and following morning) of multi-dimensional sex.

Ann was mine from there on.  Well, at least for about 6 months until Bertrand that Commie Metrosexual Euro doctoral student tempted her with his Haiku or whatever the hell kind of weird writin' he was uh studying there at Big State U!  I don't know what is so damn sexy about a French accent and cigarette breath but chics seem to dig those Euro dudes in those skinny black jeans and turned up collars!

Anyway, I had a lot of fun with Ann.  I only have fond memories now.  I guess that is what I get for going to a Bastille Day Party (but the food was awesome).

Actually as cute as she was, she was a bit tentative in bed so to speak.  I know that sounds like sour grapes and it is.  But I'm just sayin'.    :)

I actually don't remember that Euro guy's name I just used that name as an excuse to upload this video of Plastic Bertrand - nothing like French New Wave/Punk set to beach music; kind of like the Beach Boys meets Valley Girl!  Btw, France if you are out there please translate for me!  I think this song is supposed to be about getting high.  And how in the hell do I get from Canadian folk music to southern red neck to French new wave - I must be smokin' crack!

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

And I, Hate Everything About You

OK, so I said I was going to take a break for the summer.  These posts I've been putting out, except for Kat's Chain the other day, have mostly been written a few weeks ago.  I've really just been chillin' out by the pool recently.

But occasionally as you know important world events demand that I comment.  And so it is today that I find myself having to reflect on the eternal question -

Does true love last!

And sadly we have found that it doesn't!   :(

Yes apparently Bibi and Poldi, that beautiful and previously thought eternal Tortoise couple from the Austrian Zoo have in fact answered that question!

See link below:

Bitch, I gave you the best 115 year of my life!
Apparently 115 years is the max on true love as Bibi finally pulled the plug on the relationship by attempting to bite Poldi's shell.  Which, by the way, also answers that age old question.

 Yes, it is the woman's fault!

The zookeepers did apparently try couples therapy and aphrodisiacs to no avail.

As one keeper said "we get the feeling they can't stand each other anymore."  Of course you could take this as a study in evolutionary science and human exceptionalism.  Yes, I said humans are exceptional; it usually only takes us about 10 years to discover we can't stand each other anymore!

The final thing I have to say to Bibi is, I don't think there is a check mark for erotic biting on Ashley Madison if you plan on going that route now that you are free!

And Poldi, keep your chin up there are a lot of pretty young reptiles out there just looking for a well aged sugar daddy like you!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Wendy, Wendy Don't Lose Your Head

Ryan's Retro Summer

Past Adventure #2 - Wendy (Sometimes the Road Not Taken is a Good Thing)

It's June, let's go with some Beach Boys lyrics!

You know the one thing my blog has been lacking is a good Facebook story.  I read so many blogs about people who hook up through Facebook randomly, through friends, or better yet with old flames.

Hey Ryan, you're always stealing people's ideas why don't you write a story about hooking up with an old flame through Facebook!

Hey what a great idea, let's do it!  Oh, except that while I do admit I embellish here I have to admit I just have not re-hooked up with an old flame via Facebook so no-can-do.  Now, that doesn't mean I am not "friends" with a few old flames; that I definitely am.  In fact I'm Facebook friends with Jenny now.  But that leads me again to that age old question about "the road not taken."  I think a poet named Snow or Suess or Frost wrote something about that long ago?  I wish I knew the answer, if I did it might have helped me out of a predicament I will describe in my next "old flame" story.

But as for today, Wendy was in my mind at the time the perfect girl.  Beautiful, simply beautiful with blond hair, blue eyes, and petite.  She was very funny and I always felt at ease with her.  She was very smart as well.  At Big State U there were plenty of girls but not so many in Business and Finance was my major.  Wendy was a Business major and a hot one at that which made her even more rare.  So we have gorgeous, funny, sexy, and smart and knows to buy low and sell high!  Damn, sounds exactly like Shannon; except Shannon only worries about buying expensive, she could care less about selling.  If only I had ended up with Wendy instead of Shannon I would be a happy man because Wendy never called me an ass or lazy or hubristic or a few other words I would have to "google" to figure out.

I do have good memories of Wendy.  She was, as I said, quite HOT.  She always had the biggest brightest smile; she just lit up a room.  She was very affectionate as well.  I loved the feeling of her on my arm and looking into those big blue eyes.  She was funny too and could really hang with the boys so to speak at drinking.  Yes, that bright, funny, sexy, vivacious, woman is how I remember her.  What a little Spitfire she was!

So a few years ago I was delighted when I saw a "friend request" from Wendy!

She is still very pretty.  She has that Nicole Kidman Stepford Wives/Bewitched look of that perfect suburban mom.  She ended up marring Buddy the boyfriend that dumped her just before we went out.  I knew they had gotten back together but I guess I had forgotten that they had gotten married.  Shows how broken up women get after the Ryan experience!

Oh well it was good seeing and hearing from her.  We message back and forth a few times but that's about it.  But then I started noticing it; at first just a trickle and then a raging torrent like a run-away flash flood.

As Bill Maher would say - "that Wendy is 'bat-shit' craza'!"

Now let me preface that because I don't want to insult some of my dear blog friends here of the more "Conservative" persuasion.  I can understand if you are not happy with our President.  I mean he only saved the economy and killed Osama bin Laden but I realize we still have a lot of unemployment and he has not reduced the deficit to zero and solved world hunger.  So, I understand if you are considering voting for Mitt.  Although Mitt will learn a leveraged buyout with greenmail does not an economic plan make!  Sorry, just had to throw in some Finance jargon for *hits and giggles!

However that being said, I thought we had gotten past the Kenyan Revolutionary/fake ID stuff.  And while I've driven through rural Missouruh' enough to know why some of those folks still have the capacity to believe our Pres is a Muslim, I wouldn't think a college edumacated, hot suburban mom from outside of DC would still be "sharing" conspiracy theory articles.

And when I say she "shares" conspiracy theory/birther stories I'm not just talking an occasional "share."  Jesus, my Wendy must do nothing but sit at the computer all day a dig up crap from any website and post to Facebook.

Hell, if the Pres says "the sky is blue," she is "sharing" some article by the American Tea Party Family Council for Freedom that says "RED is the new sky blue" and that the government paid Solyndra and Acorn $1 billion to paint the sky blue as a subliminal stunt to trick people into voting Democrat and oh btw Homeland Security is encouraging aliens from outer space to land here before November in order to vote for Obama.


Oh yeah, she also has about 5 kids which goes about +3 beyond my man to man defensive philosophy of parenting!  I sure hope poor Buddy doesn't have to agree to another kid every time he wants to get layed!  But I fear my Windy now believes that life begins at hard-on.

Yeah, I can take a bit of friendly political banter with a pal like Kat but Wendy and I would get along like oil and water.  Of course as one blogger who I shared this story with told me if Wendy ended up with me she might be VP of her company, live with a smokin' hot DILF, and would get all her news from the Colbert report!   How's that for arrogance!   :)

Oh well, from her pictures it looks like she still has a nice ass and that is all that is generally important to me most of the time!    :)

But in the end sometimes you find out later that the road not taken leads to a cliff (and a yard full of kids)!    :(

"And Wendy has stormy eyes, that flash at the sound of li(beral media)...."     :)