Thursday, July 31, 2014

Bring the Action

Or Are Women Smarter?

Are women smarter, a very good question.  Yes or no I certainly know they think about stuff way more than guys.  And of all things they think about they seem to think about guys more than anything.  I guess it may be for that reason that I often find myself primarily writing for women on this blog.  I guess early on one of the things I wanted this blog to be was a portal into the mind of the typical male, a peeling back of the skull and a peak into the muck and simple shallowness of the average male.  Call it pandering but I thought it might be my public service to the world.

Because I so shamelessly pander to women I am of course going to say women are smarter!  Facts bear this out though, women outnumber men in college; women now outnumber men in Doctoral degrees granted.  While women still fall behind in corporate boardrooms and politics they will surely catch up and surpass men in the coming decades as "Millineal" women continue to outpace their male generational counterparts.  In fact they are the only one's getting anything done in Washington.  Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz - a bunch of self serving, egotistical, curmudgeonly jerks.  Need to get something done?  Put Patty Murray, Kirsten Gillibrand, Lisa Murkowski, or Susan Collins on it; blue or red, they'll cut through the bull *hit.  Probably because they actually think about stuff.

But I do have to say to women, with all this intellect why do you spend so much time fooling around with us guys.  You could be getting us to do so much more with a lot less effort!

As a guy I have to admit I'm almost constantly thinking about women.  It's not that I can't get my job done or pay the bills, it's just that whenever I get a free moment my eyes wander and think about the possibilities at hand.  Now as Chris Rock once said "men are as faithful as their options."  In my case options are usually just not there.  Maybe not because I couldn't but rather that I shouldn't for some professional or community related reason.  I guess looking at it from that standpoint options are not conveniently "there."

That being said a guy always has his dreams!

With hair like that it's good she digs him
I like confident and gorgeous women because they make us do things that we might not otherwise be willing to do.  Take Tom Brady for instance.  He is one of the best football players in the NFL.  He can do anything, be anything that he wants. And, of course, probably have any woman he wants.  My guess is that wearing shaggy hair and silly dancing at the World Cup is not a natural choice for him.  But then again he gets to have sex with Giselle Bundchen and apparently she likes that.  If a guy has to grow out his hair a bit and dance like a fool in order to have sex with a Giselle Bundchen most guys are going to say so be it!  However it leads me to a philosophical question, what came first the sex or the dorky hair.  Sure a girl like Giselle is turned on by your willingness to have dorky hair for her but if you have dorky hair do you get to screw her in the first place.  See the parables my pursuits of women drive me too!

Which gets me to this age old debate over Dom and Sub.  My opinion is that we (guys) are really just glorified "subs."  We might be on top or behind or yelling out orders but aren't we really just doing what the lady is letting us do?  See - subs, just like Tom up there!

Anyway, I'm all over the place today already.  What was I originally talking about?  Oh yeah, are women smarter?  Well, yes they are but too often they overthink it all!

So I have three parables today about women and men all of which illustrate the paradox of relationships, who is smarter, and who is in control therein between the two sexes.

1.  Model Can't Find a Date - Apparently British lingerie model Lucy Harrold can't find a date.  In fact she can barely get men to talk to her.  As a result she has partnered with an entrepreneur to set up a website for beautiful women in her hometown of Birmingham, England.  As a woman she is obviously burdened by this conundrum.

Now is that really necessary?  Is she over-thinking it all?

Whether she is looking for a jock or a brainy geek, what it takes to get a man can be answered in three simple questions on a profile.

I'm seeing it go something like this:

*     I am willing to have sex after a reasonable amount of effort (not to exceed three dates or two weeks, whichever comes first)?     YES

*     I won't ask any relationship questions within the first three weeks and never within 2 hours of sex?     YES

*     I am willing to allow for at least 10+ hours of "preferred guy-activity" (including golf, watching the NFL, computer games, Astrophysics, comic-con, etc)?    YES
       ^  note - I've listed a willingness to embrace jock or geek-like activities.

*     Bonus Question - I'm willing to talk to you?    YES

Answer yes to these questions, or let's be real probably just answer yes to the bonus question and you can have the first guy you run into on any street anywhere in the world, or certainly in my humble town!

So the parable here is:  we're guys, use the KISS method (simple and stupid).  And once you have us we're like puppies; feed us, pet us, talk cute to us and we'll trot around you as much as you like.  Sure, we might pee on the floor on occasion but hopefully you get the point!  :)

2.  Lucy Could Only be Female - Have you seen that new movie about the woman who mistakenly takes a bunch of drugs and gets real smart?  The tagline for the movie is "most people only use 10% of their brain, today she will hit 100%."  Now think about that for a moment.  Done?  I'm still thinking, I only have 10% brain capacity for Christ sakes you know!  OK, now I'm done.  So with 100% brain capacity Lucy states "I feel everything.  Space, the air, the vibrations, the people, I can feel gravity, I can feel the rotation of the Earth, the heat leaving my body, the blood in my veins.  I can feel my brain...."  She goes on to say "I can start to control other people's bodies..."  Wait stop the press.  Yes, given that, Lucy could only be female.  As a female Lucy (ScarJo) explores the space-time continuum, helps law enforcement issues, aides in cellular research that illuminates the evolution and connectedness of the universe.

Giselle + Meatkini = Happy
So now let's think about Lucy as a guy.  Well this would be kind of like that Jerry Maguire scene where the girl says "you had me at hello."  Except here, as a guy, you would have me at "control other people's (women's) bodies."  Yes if Ryan (as with most guys I presume) had 100% brain capacity it is possible he might consider his ability to affect the space time continuum for a few seconds until he figured out a way to get unlimited free BBQ and Ben's Chili Bowl Chili in a skybox at a Nats game while getting a blowjob from Giselle.  Oh and of course she would be wearing a meat bikini.  See that's the difference between men and women.  Give us a super-power and we'll use it for our own ends!  And our own ends are usually for no good for us or anyone else.

Yeah if I could control the elements!
With the ability to control the elements women will feed hungry children, men will look through the walls of the women's locker room.  Oh men may figure out a way to shoot a low-60's round of golf but really that would be just a way to attract and hook up with one of those hot women golfers.  Bring peace to the Middle East?  A woman would use those super-powers to achieve that end.  A dude might do it too if it got him a shot at one of those hot Bollywood actresses!  I'm not sure if solving the Palestinian crisis would resonate with a hot Bollywood actress considering they are in India but a guy wouldn't make that connection anyway.  A woman might use her powers to bring water to the thirsty parched areas of the Earth, a dude would figure out a way to use water to wash away a super-models dress.

Now that I think about it, if a guy had 100% brain power he'd do something like invent an Ap that allows you to see through women's cloths.  Oh, that's ridiculous you say!  You think?  Well just read this!

Yes never underestimate our endless desire to figure out ways to get past that dress.

But you get my point, 100% brain power is wasted on a dude!

3.  Slave Ryan at Cross Fit - I don't know if there is much of a lesson here.  But on occasion I allow myself to get talked into joining those ridiculously hard cross-fit classes.  Now I do this why?  Because I'm concerned with my cardiovascular health? I want to get buff?  It's a great way to pass the time?

Hell no!  It's because the cute fitness instructor asks me.  Simple.  Well she smiles too and says she missed me last week.  Enough said, I'm now putty in her hand to be shaped as she wishes.

Of course 5 minutes in I am thinking, why on Earth am I doing this?  And then I look up amid desperate gasps of breath and realize why.  Miss Fitness is doing all this stuff with us and I am absolutely in awe that a human can do burpees, Hindu push-ups, and crunches while maintaining a perky personality and looking gorgeous.  Yes, I am Miss Fitness' slave and I'm OK with that, I'll do anything she asks of me because.... well,...... she's hot, she smiled at me, and said she wanted to spend an hour with me.  Now, of course she is also spending an hour with 10 other desperately sweaty gasping folks but in my mind I am special.

I'd like to figure out some more funny things to say about this but it's late and I'm tired.  I think the point here is ladies just smile, be cute, be flirty, and you can get us to do just about anything; even 20 burpees followed by 20 Hindu push ups, followed by 100 crunches.  Jesus if you can do that with a smile you certainly don't need a social media site or Super Powers!   :)

Well enough for today, hopefully these parables bring some clarity to the male-female dynamic.

For now I'll just leave you with the one of those hot mommies I just can't help but love, bring it Brittany!  Of course this song sucks and of course I hate "club music" but I also know women love to dance and listen to dance music so as long as you insist on being that hot I'll listen and dance along because after all I'm just a guy!  :)

Friday, July 25, 2014

FFF - In or Out

Safe travels Ad, thanks for thinking of us while your on the road!
Betsy speaking......

It seems like it just yesterday that the War was over and everything was so exciting.  A Rensselaer guy and a Hollins girl seemed like such a good match.  We were so happy, I think.  Maybe it was that I was preoccupied with crown molding and French country decor. One day Tom couldn't keep his hands off of me, the next morning sex would make him late for his 8 am tee time.

If this is what life was supposed to be like, why do I hate to get up each morning.  When Tom got back from the War his desire seemed so raw it shocked yet tantalized me.  Such a look might scare me now too for it's oddity and yet to be looked at with so much desire would make me feel alive again, give me that reason to get out of bed or better yet be in bed.

So I sent little Timmy off to momma's house and decided to dress up like one of those sluts from Queens.  I wanted to be wanted, to be taken.  Before Tom goes out again I want him to know that there is still something exciting here on Pequot Lane.  (Sigh) In or out, why is this life so confusing?

Tom speaking.......

Jesus Betsy gave me such a curveball.  Why can't women communicate.  She sure did look gorgeous though.  I wish I hadn't let Mr. Hopkins drag me to that club after work.  But damn Betsy looked every bit as good as those dames at that place.  Why did she do that?  Does she just want to be some dame?  I've spent so much time being the man she wants me to be and then she says she wants me to be more daring?

Daring was such an easy thing when I didn't have a wife and kids, when I didn't matter, when nobody counted on me for anything.  But now?  People expect me to be Mr. Rath, the man in the nice suits who's taking over for Mr. Hopkins some day.  I'm that man with the gorgeous house, the beautiful wife, the nice set of clubs.  A man like that can't be daring; too much rides on his success.  Daring is for a man who can afford to fail.

Am I failing if I can't look and simply lust for her.  Why can't I just enter through that door.  She wants me, I should just take her.  In or out, why is this life so confusing?

Author's Admission:  I've shamelessly stolen this theme from" the Man in the Grey Flannel Suit" and perhaps a little from "Revolutionary Road."  Btw, the Man with the Grey Flannel Suit is the original 1950's version of Mad Men.  Don't know why I got this particular idea.  For some reason she seemed Betty Page'esque to me but in the setting somewhat matronly.  Putting those two together I got the image of Jennifer Jones who is the wife in "the Man in the Grey Flannel Suit."  I had watched the movie recently.  I had come across the title in doing some leadership theory research.  The movie is a fictional offshoot of the 1950's leadership/management study "The Organization Man."  The two books speak to the post modern personal conflict between group and individual goals; career vs. family; and the balance of daring vs preserving social norms and the resulting impact to satisfaction in a sometimes empty consumptive suburban life.  Even the title itself "the Man in the Grey Flannel Suit" makes a point.  Does he have a soul or is his existence solely tied to his image in the "Grey Flannel" power suit.  It ends up being a microcosm of what many of us deal with daily when navigating relationships.  Do we accept societal norms to preserve the peace or do we break the boundaries of normalcy to achieve a greater good that satisfies at a higher level.  And if we do so do we make things better or worse for those around us that we love and care for.

Oh well, in that Leadership Development analysis I also came across Cognitive Structural Theory that mentioned the highest order of intellectual and ethical development is "commitment" which involves commitments within a relativistic context.  With "commitment" an individual considers alternatives based on a clear sense of identity.  Commitments are then tested, evaluated, and modified as necessary (Perry, 1968).

Wow, quite a segue from a beautiful scantily clad girl, no???

Anyway, in or out, life is so confusing.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

No New Tale to Tell

Or I'm 18 47 (I Don't Know What I Want)

Or I've Wasted Time I've Wasted Breath I Think I've Thought Myself to Death

Or Who Knows, Not Me; We Never Lost Control

Or For Christ Sake Ryan Fish or Cut Bait (or poop or get off the pot)!!!

OMG I'm so mixed up I can't even decide on the title of a blog post anymore!   :)

One of the great things I've enjoyed about this blog, along with the use of XM Radio's first wave, is that I've discovered bands that I really didn't know of back in the 80's/90's when I was in college and they were popular.  Love and Rockets is one of those bands.  I knew of them but can't say I thought much of the Dark Wave band.  They formed in 1985 when two former Bauhaus band members joined with a new drummer.  What they formed was a more palatable sound to the college market than their previous Goth rock sound that many liked to exalt by wearing Bauhaus tee shirts but few listened.  Anyway, they wrote some pretty catchy tunes and I've used their lyrics before in the blog.  This song is a lot like me, talking in circles and in the end finding yourself necessarily in the same place.  As much as you want to do and say new things you often find that there is in fact "no new tale to tell."  Oh and I also like to think of myself as a delightfully eclectic mixture of brooding dark wave and hippie/trippie Jethro Tull'esque flute undertones (just like this song)!

Wow, 19 days since my last post; that's the longest I've gone in the 3.5 years I've been blogging.  I've started a few times in the last three weeks but each time I just don't seem to have anything to say.  Even in June I floated along on FFF's and repeats.  I did speak of a paradoxical family vacation at the end of May but little of my Ashley Madison Adventures or time with Sandee.  If I were to do a repeat this month I might have reminisced about some time Sandee and I spent last summer on a romantic summer's eve.  But even that doesn't seem so interesting to me just now.

Sandee and I did have a wonderful night toward the end of spring.  I again had one of those rare bachelor weekends and took advantage by taking her to that Johnny Depp movie Transcendence.  The movie kind of sucked but it was great to be with her.  On our way back we stopped by one of our favorite spots by the river.  We sipped some wine I had bought earlier in the day (Sandee's favorite flavor) and looked up at the moon as she sat on the trunk of her car and I stood in front of her with her arms draped over my shoulders.  As we kissed she pulled me into her grasp ever tighter.  It felt comfortable and right.  I realized that she was "my woman," the woman who's intimacy was of comfort to me now.  And yet now our relationship really wasn't about sex anymore.  Rather, she had become the person I desired to be with.

We still text or e-mail almost daily.  Sometimes it's just the trailer to Mockingjay that I send to her and she responds; "can't wait to see it with you."  Sometimes it's something funny I see that I just want to share with her or she with I.  I don't know if this is friends, friends with benefits, a pathway to soul-mates, or just treading water.  But that is where we are.  We seem content to savor what we can of one another, hoping for more but not necessarily expecting.

As for Shannon another round of family vacations has come and gone and no new reconnection.  Another set of instances where the girls were at camp and/or sleepovers and no taking advantage of the opportunity with intimacy.  Looking back the thought of taking advantage seems infantile given the Grand Canyon of bitterness between us that has grown over the years.  I'm ever the analyst and as such I've decided that we are victims of some warped form of Stockholm Syndrome PTSD where the fates have flung us together and we have become comrades in stress not quite sure how life will work if we leave one another; afraid the ice that has formed between us will break if we step away from one another dropping us into some black frigid unknown.  I guess the crazy thing is that in many ways we are much alike, two probable ENTJ's that can't stand inefficiency yet always strive to fix what is inefficient and are hard pressed to walk away with failure.

And yet we don't live in infinity.  What is driving Sandee these days is her daughter who is preparing to go off to college.  That mixed with her tumultuous marriage have given her the idea that perhaps she should go off to college with her daughter, looking for a job in that new town; perhaps sharing an apartment with her daughter.  In many ways the logic is good.  Her daughter is very introverted and probably needs the close support.  Sandee could make a good clean life break and start anew.  The friend in me supports and encourages her.  The man in me is scared to see her go.

Of course ever present is my constant pride in my daughters who seem to outshine their parents.  Bias though I am I see true talent in them and boundless opportunity.  I'm lucky to be their dad.  The job is great too.  There again boundless intriguing opportunity.  Dare I say I enjoy being the "flavor of the month" at work.  Yes, after all of these years working in the background it is fun to have the recognition.  To quote another song I find myself thinking "two out of three ain't bad."  Too bad the one out of three will keep you up at night yearning.  And too bad the one out of three seems so attainable on a night under the moon and next to the river with a delightfully charming, beautiful woman that seems to get me in a way few have.

I'll continue to wind things down on the blog.  I don't feel I have much to say.  But, I still hope I have a few good stories to tell in the coming months.

If nothing else I hope I still know how to drop a cliff-hanger!

Anyway as they say:

"You cannot go against nature
because when you do go against nature
it's part of nature too.

Our little lives get complicated
it's a simple thing, simple as a flower
and that's a complicated thing.

No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell."