Thursday, January 31, 2013

Bump Bada BAH, Ba Ba Ba Ba Bump Bada BAH

I always look forward to this post; it's my annual celebration of the foods of the Super Bowl cities.

Here is my post from 2011 (here) and from (2012).  Those lyrics in case you couldn't tell are not actually lyrics but the sounds from one of those old goofy and histrionic NFL films documentaries.  God I used to love those!

But before I talk anymore about pro football I want to re-cap how I did on my bowl game analysis from this year.  I done pretty good!  :)

Orange Bowl:  Ryan's prediction FSU 34-17, actual FSU 31-10.  I don't like the 'Noles but I dated an FSU chick once and they do rule!

Rose Bowl:  Ryan's prediction Stanford 48-42, actual Stanford 20-14.  Got it right they just didn't score like I thought.  Too much ground game not enough going deep!

Sugar Bowl:  Ryan's prediction Florida 27-14, actual Louisville 33-23.  I think the Gators must have gotten off the bus in Pensacola because that sure was not an SEC team that showed up in NOLA.

Fiesta Bowl:  Ryan's prediction Oregon 42-38, actual Oregon 35-17.  Collin Klein scored as much as a virgin at mass; oh wait he is a virgin!

BCS Championship:  Ryan's prediction 'Bama 27-13, actual - who the *uck cares did you see the QB's girlfriend for Christ sakes (DAMN)!

And here are those Super City Recipes:


Maryland Crab Soup


1 28 oz Can of Whole Tomatoes, diced
3 Cups of Water
2 Cups of Clam Juice
1 Cup of Lima Beans
1 Cup of Baby Carrots
1 Cup of Whole Kernel Corn
3 Tbs of Chopped Onions
1 Tbs Old Bay Seasoning
1 Pound of Crabmeat
Fresh Parsley, Scallions, Salt, and Pepper to taste

*   Combine tomatoes, water, clam juice, vegetables, and spices in a 4 quart saucepan.
*   Bring mixture to boil on medium heat.  Reduce to low and leave at simmer.
*   Add Crabmeat and let simmer for 10 minutes.
*   Add Parsley, Scallions, salt, and Pepper to taste or to garnish.

Mini Crab Cakes with Old Bay Remoulade


1/2 Pound Phillips backfin crabmeat
1 Pound Phillips lump crabmeat
1/2 Cup Red Bell Pepper chopped
1/2 Cup Red Onion chopped
1 Tbs Olive Oil
1 Tsp Old Bay seasoning
1/4 Cup of Parsley
2  Eggs
3/4 Cup of Panko Breadcrumbs
1 tsp Italian Seasoning
3/4 tsp of Worcester Sauce
3/4 tsp Lemon Juice
1/2 Cup of Mayonaise
Dash of Crab Boil

Salt and Pepper to Taste

1/4 Cup Olive Oil (for saute)

*   Whip eggs and mix into Worcester, lemon juice, Old Bay, and Mayo.
*   In a separate bowl mix the crabmeat, veggies, parsley, olive oil, breadcrumbs, and italian seasoning.
*   Add wet ingredients to crabmeat mixture and combine thoroughly.  Add the dash of crab boil or Tabasco for some extra zing if desired.
*   Portion into 1.5/2 oz cakes.
*   Saute on medium heat in olive oil until crispy and brown on both sides.

Place on a toast point with a dolup of the Old Bay Remoulade and sing "you say you came to Baltimore from Ole Miss..... moonlight, feels right!"

The Remoulade:

1 Tbs Dijon Mustard
1 Cup Catsup
1 Tbs fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 Tbs grated Horseradish
1 Cup Mayonaise
1 tsp Old Bay Seasoning
A few capers if you wish
Dash of Hot Pepper Sauce

*   Remoulade - mix Dijon Mustard, Catsup, Horseradish, Mayonaise, and Old Bay together in bowl until thoroughly combined.  Refrigerate until ready to serve.

If you don't want to go to all that trouble just stop by a Phillips Seafood and pick up some crab cakes or look for some at your local Wegmans!  Btw, if you are ever driving through Fredrick, MD down I-70 or down the 270 spur to DC get off at the Buckeystown Pike and stop by May's Restaurant.  It's a Ryan fav and they bring out the crab by the tray-full!

San Francisco:

I got to tell you this kind of stumped me a bit.  I thought SF would be easy just like Chicago, New York, Pittsburg, or maybe Philadelphia.  But when I got to thinking about it, San Francisco really doesn't have a distinctive single food like Chowder, Chicago Hot Dogs, New York style pizza, or a Philly Cheese Steaks.  I've been to SF on two occasions and the food is awesome.  Sure they have Sour Dough bread, it was popular with 49'ers during the Gold Rush because the traditional leavening ingredients of yeast and baking soda were not as reliable under the conditions the minors encountered.  The 49'ers mascot is even named for Sourdough.  San Francisco is home to Ghirardelli which makes great chocolate and everybody love chocolate, right.  And of course there is always Rice-a-Roni (that SF treat) which really does have it's origins in SF from an Italian immigrant who settled into the Mission district and sold pasta.  His wife developed a recipe of rice pilaf mixed with macaroni, hence rice and roni.  The rest is history.

But what I really think of when I think of San Francisco cuisine is that fact that SF is perhaps even more eclectic than NYC.  In SF you have a strong Italian influence in "Little Italy."  You have the strong Pan-Asian influence that is much more than just Chinatown.  You also have the Hispanic influence and even that Sonoma cowboy flavor.  You have the remnants of the old 60's California car culture of American Graffiti reflected in Mel's Diner.  And of course there are all those hippies in Berkeley that just eat brown rice and tofu!

So I guess my tribute to San Francisco is fusion which I do love.  I love learning how a certain food came to be based on varying influences.  As such I'll leave you with this - Chop Suey.

Yes Chop Suey, that most Chinese of dishes (we think), is in fact not Chinese.  At least it didn't come from China, it came from immigrant Chinese laborers who settled in San Francisco and needed an inexpensive taste of home or something cheap to serve to those minors along with their Sourdough bread.

Chop Suey


2 Pounds of boneless skinless chicken breast meat diced (sub in beef, pork, shrimp, scallops, or just go veggie if you prefer)
1/2 Red Bell Pepper Diced
1/2 Yellow Bell Pepper Diced
1/2 Green Bell Pepper Diced
1/2 Red Onion Diced
1 Head of Fresh Broccoli
2 Tbs Soy Sauce
2 Tbs Fish Sauce
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 Tbs minced garlic
1/2 tsp Cayenne pepper
1/2 Cup Pineapple Juice (optional)
If you have stuff like baby carrots, bamboo shoots, cabbage, snow peas, etc. chop them up and throw 'em in also!
1 Pound of Lo Mein Noodles

*   Blanch broccoli until slightly tender
*   Sautee chicken breast on medium heat until brown in about 2 Tbs of vegetable oil.  When about half done add salt, pepper, garlic, and juice.
*   When chicken is done add vegetables and sauté until tender.  As the mixture is almost done add in soy and fish sauce, cover, and let simmer for about 5 minutes.
*   Serve over Lo Mein noodles with an egg roll and Fortune cookie!  And remember as that famous Fortune cookie once said "never give up unless defeat arouses that girl from accounting!"

And here is a collection of those goofy NFL songs.

My prediction:  Baltimore defense slows down the 49'er running game and makes Kaepernick beat them deep.  He doesn't do it and the Ravens win 24-20.  Also, Ray Lewis plays hard and goes out a champ; Randy Moss afterwords exclaims that he is the greatest football player to never win a Super Bowl.  Sorry Kat!  :(

Monday, January 28, 2013

It's a Long Way Down the Holiday Road

I gotta tell you I'm a guy who likes routine and I like my things a certain way.  I like to work out at a certain time and watch Chris Mattews on the TV while I'm doing the eliptical.  I like to eat at a certain time and I like to watch my college football and basketball at a certain time each night (NASCAR or the Nats in summer).

All that is thrown out the window when you are on vacation.  Now when you are traveling to Aspen to ski or going to Boca to the beach you take those deviations in stride because you are doing something different that is fun.  But when you are just going to visit the family in their vanilla town well then all those little changes to routine are just a pain in the ass.

I happen to have great in-laws.  Shannon and I have joked that if we ever get a divorce we don't want to lose our in-laws.  That being said I like them, I don't want to live with them.  My wife's sister and her husband are DINKS (double income no kids).  DINKS live in a foreign world with no stress and no mess.  When we invade I know it's tough on them because their no fuss world is thrown into tatters by our "young-un's."  But it's tough on me because they are DINKS and lead a DINK lifestyle which means existing in their world becomes almost like an episode of Bear Grylls for Ryan.

Can someone find me a damn Cheeto!
I will outline the predicament in my bullet-pointed rant below.  Let's call it Ryan the Average Married Dad's Survivor-Man Experience in DINK-land:

*  My brother in law has a wide range of beverage choices at his home much like I do.  Except that while I have the family version of variety (milk, OJ, Fruit Punch, and maybe some Sprite and the occasional Rolling Rock) the brother in law has a wide assortment including Crown Royal, Johnny Walker (red), Stolis, Heineken, Blue Moon, and the local Pale Ale.  Oh and he has tap water as well.  This of course is fine because he has no kids which is really just a half step away from bachelorhood.  Really it is a bachelor without haveing to go through the exhaustive efforts of finding a woman to sleep with every night.  For Ryan this starts off fun.  I don't drink a lot but I do enjoy a good beer now and again.  But by day 2 my head is pounding from alcoholic consumption and dehydration and I just want the Libby's Cherry Punch my kids drink and I count on for re-hydration on a typical evening.

It's bad if you'd kill for fruit punch

*  Meals are interesting at the in-laws.  My wife's sister will get up and fix a hearty breakfast of 4 eggs, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, 2 slices of toast, and a squirt of OJ (I forgot they did go out and buy a 20 oz bottle of OJ from 7-11 for our visit).  Now let me clarify.  That menu is not per person that is TOTAL!  This may feed them fine.  They are DINKS, they still give a shit about how they look.  But we have hungry kids and kids go through breakfast food like a locust plague leaving Ryan with a bite of cold egg and the dry toast crust my kids turned away.  I try to dash away at some point late morning, faining a need to fill the car up with gas and steal off to 7-11 or Dunkin' Donuts for needed sustenance.

*  Next comes TV.  The DINKS have no kids which means no fighting over TV rights.  That means they have 1 (count it 1 TV).  That means we have to deal with kids complaining over missing Shake it Up Chicago or deal with actually watching the show.  Guess who wins.  Actually my girls are now kind of addicted to their IPads so this isn't as much of a problem as it used to be.  But then the problem is that my brother-in-law (who doesn't have kids) has actual REAL hobbies like playing golf 5 times a week.  When he doesn't play golf he watches golf.  In fact right now the European Tour is playing in Liechtenstein.  Oh wait, I barely give a shit when they are playing at the Master so I certainly don't care when they are playing at a small European Duchy!  Bottom line, no ACC basketball for Ryan!

*  Anyone who has kids knows that the average American child has to have sustenance (snacks) every hour or they pass out.  I implied that Shannon and I don't care how we look but actually we are pretty health conscious.  Our girls are very healthy and fit as well.  We keep our pantry and fridge stocked with a wide variety of fruit snacks, cheese, yogurt, etc.  The kids stay healthy and these are the type of things Ryan lives off of late at night whilst watching the Duke-UNC game on TV.  The DINKS, who both happen to be very Metrosexual apparently live off of beer, wine, and about 300 calories a day.  What that means is NO 'effin snacks.  So while Ryan is missing the ACC basketball game at night, is dehydrated from only consuming alcoholic beverages throughout the day (did I mention happy hour for the brother in law starts at noon), going on about 1 hour of quality sleep (will speak to that below), and is on an all Dunkin' Donut/convenience store nacho diet (from lack of normal meals), he also is devoid of his late night cheese and cracker snacking routine.

*  At the end of the day poor Ryan is very tired.  The bed in the DINKS extra bedroom is technically a double if you are a couple from Munchkinland in the land of Oz.  Otherwise no two standard adults would fit, certainly not Shannon (who is very fussy) and I.  So that means the little one sleeps with mommy.  The older one is now 12 so too old to sleep with daddy on the pull-out futon-like thing in the living room - so she gets that.  That leaves Ryan banished like Quasimodo to the air mattress in the brother in law's office in the back of the house.  The air mattress provides a wafer thin boarder of air between my body and the cold hard wood floor.  That means I awake on the hour to a sore shoulder and adjust to the other side.  Upon one of these awakenings I think to myself "my God, I'm drooling icicles!  No it's because it's 'effing freezing in here!  Apparently there are too many heat vents in the other bedrooms and if they keep the thermostat above freezing all the other rooms are at the boiling point.  Thusly, the DINKS keep the thermostat at Minneapolis level.  They stay warm and by morning there is a Ryan-cicle in the back room!  Bottom line - no good sleep for Ryan.

Anyway by the afternoon of day 2 all the girls had left to go shopping and it was just the brother in law and me at home.  Actually we were watching the Falcons-49'ers game but I was just too damn tired of sitting on my ass so I decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood.  Their neighborhood is very nice with a lot of families.  I enjoy being there in the summer because of the plethora of hot young mommies sprinkled throughout.  On this particular day there were a lot of mommies out walking but unfortunately poor Ryan was looking quite haggard and disheveled from the malnutrition and sleep deprivation.  Consequently, as I passed all those cute mommies I got those proverbial "please don't rape me/I've got a can of mace buddy don't make me use it," stares!  The final insult was when some guy (I guess assuming I was a transient liquored up bum) offered me the puke green couch he was dragging to his curb to dispose of.  I thanked him but told him someone in Greenville would probably like to have that on their porch instead.

Oh well, life's a bitch and then you die - but someone has to do it!  :)

Friday, January 25, 2013

FFF - Dark or Light

It's FFF Day (a little late)

Check out Advizor for all the other sexy stories (right here)!

I have to say this did not immediately speak to me as when I first saw the picture the guy seemed to be in a certain position (not sexual).  The type of position most guys do most of their thinking in (if you catch my drift).  And that material he was working with, well that just looked like TP to me.  But then again my teachers used to scold me for having "potty mouth!"

But after talking to Kat I started to think about some old school escapades.  I started to think about driving over to the other college near Big State U, the one that was 75% female and the one with girls that supposedly like BSU guys.  I also remembered a certain frat party I went to once where a guy was spying girls in the bathroom from his room from certain pre-positioned mirror placements.  It seemed funny at the time, now I supposed you'd get arrested.  Either way I'd rather be in this guys position rather than looking at a girl through a reflection doing her business; but then I guess that's all a part of growing up!  :)

So here is my perspective on this:

When we saw JMU on our schedule we were psyched.  I was #6 singles as a freshman but at UVa that didn't mean squat if you weren't a 4th year law student.  Consequently as of April I'd still not had my first college "encounter."

But hope springs eternal and I had heard that JMU girls loved UVa boys.

I noticed her as I was finishing off her boyfriend 6-2, 6-3.  I could feel the heat of her eyes on my ass as she was getting progressively embarrassed by her boyfriends cursing.

After the match she breezed by me as I untapped my ankles.  "My dorm is just over there, past the light of the tennis court.  Care to tie me up with that stuff," as she pointed to my tape smiling.

"Do you know that guy," as I motioned my head toward the player I had just smoked.  "Oh he's my boyfriend.  I won't be seeing him tonight, he'll be drowning his sorrow in a keg of beer over at the DeKE house."

"I don't have much time.  The bus leaves 1 hour after doubles.  That's maybe 2 hours and I need a shower."

She replied confidently, "you sure do sport and luckily my roomy is back in Annandale.  I'm in a suite so you can shower there and 2 hours is plenty for what I want to do!"

Still befuddled, I decided to take my chances and go with it.  I pulled on my jeans and a shirt and followed her.

In her room she shimmied out of her pants and bounced onto her bed.  "I want to be as dirty as you before we shower.  Tape me up and *uck me as hard as you beat Stuart on the court!"

I blindfolded her and bound her legs and then undressed myself.  My first thought was to screw her fast, but I wanted her to beg.  Straddling her I rubbed myself between her legs outside of her.  She sighed and grinded against me.  I held my ground still massaging the outside of her pussy with my dick.  She now moaned and reached back and grabbed my balls.  "Fuck me now," she cried.

And I did....

Ooops, way past my word budget

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Life is So Strange When You Don't Know

"How can you tell where you're going to
You can't be sure of any situation
Something could change and you won't know

You ask yourself, where do we go from here?
It seems so all to near
Just as far behind as I can see
I still don't know what all this means to me....

Life is so strange.......Destination unknow..."

I like a girl in plastic wrap!
Back in high school I lived on a steady diet of Van Halen, Journey, Ozzy Osbourne, Led Zepplin, etc.  I was never really into the New Wave stuff.  But now I most often listen to First Wave on XM radio and it's funny how I hear songs that I would have turned my nose up to in the 80's like this one from Missing Person and I think they are really good.  Of course I watched the video any time I saw it because the singer, Dale Bozzio is so hot.  But as for the music I largely ignored it at the time.

But now as I heard that song the other day it really represented the life I was living over the course of the late fall and holidays.

Wait, where am I going with this?

Oh yeah - Sandee.  Where in the world did she go to on this blog.  I guess I better get back to what I started this blog about, chasing married women.

So let's talk about me and Sandee and the rest of the fall.  I actually had to go back and read the last few blog entries to make sure I knew where we left off.  I last wrote about Sandee (here).  I first wrote about her (here).  It seems like when I last wrote about Sandee we were kind of wandering aimlesses between the literal and figurative states we traveled to our time together from the lives we lead at home.  At least that sounded good as I wrote it.  Not much changed over the next few months.

I think that last post talked about the early fall.  To be honest we had kind of gotten out of the habit of going to lunch and then a hotel room.  We most often met for a walk along the river or when we had more time kayaked at a few preferred spots.

There were a few critical times when we had plans to meet at a hotel when Sandee had to back out.  I had learned how to read her by now and knew that was the guilt manifesting itself in her.  Once in response to the hesitation I texted her back (after her texted cancellation) and said let's just meet and talk.  She agreed and we had a fine time.  She told me that afternoon that she was going to call things off but because of my patients and understanding she didn't.

Though a bit perturbed I held that back.  I appreciated the honesty, I really did.  I have learned nothing turns off honesty like anger in response to candor.

But what was clear was that Sandee was not Alecia or Sandra.  This couldn't just be casual sex.  Even if it could be her marriage was at a point where she needed to leave it and she had employment options in another city.

Additionally, in response to her iminant departure from her husband Sandee was working more now saving toward that departure.  She had been working part time when we met and we generally could meet any time I was available.  But now those long afternoons had to be compacted between after 3 and before Ryan had to pick up the girls at 6 pm.  And oh btw my career was picking up speed as well.  A lot of new things were hitting my plate.  The type of things I had been angling my career towards for practically 10 years.  Things I would regret if I allowed them to pass me by.

Up to this point I knew Sandee and I were more than a casual relationship but like the song our Destination was quite Unknown and I had to ask myself "where do we go from here?"

As is the case with me though I drift.  Truthfully, I belong in congress because I can *ullshit with the best of them and nobody is better at "kicking the can down the road" than I.

So as the leaves began to turn brown our destination did continue to be unknown and we had to be satisfied with an hour or two here and there walking along the river and perhaps a little "making out" in the car.  Sure I was frustrated and yes I did take a few peeps onto Ashley Madison but in the end an hour with Sandee was more appealing than a new search.  But I knew my time with Sandee as a friend, mistress, or whatever someone would call us was waining and our Destination would soon lead to a fork in the road.  Those paths would either lead us together or lead us apart.

I was just hoping that fork was far enough down the road that I could think about what I wanted.  Things were not any better with Shannon and I.  Should I take the Sandee fork in the road because I was truly happy when I was with her, should I take the path away from her and try to make things better with Shannon, or should I just plunge into the forest and make my own path because I needed to make a decision that was not based on a path running toward or away from someone else.

I don't know I think I lost myself.  Where is Mitch McConnell when I need him to filibuster all this.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - But a Paper Smile Only Lasts a While Then it Fades Away

My intention in doing these repeats is not necessarily to regurgitate my most popular or even favorite posts.  What I hope to do is basically procrastinate and avoid having to write as much by writing a few liner notes to some old posts that have some unique meaning to me as I look back upon this blog.

This was a sad post (below) and not particularly exciting on the surface.  But in hindsight I began something I quickly found I enjoyed and that was writing a little bit about music or sports and making some connection to the things I was going through in my AM Adventures.  As I would later write, I didn't have another blog nor did I intend to start one so this was my chance to catch all my thoughts into one venue and a way to return to that sportswriter I was back in college.

I guess first though this post illustrates the stark reality of Ashley Madison.  That reality is that things are not going to go according to plan.  On paper Alecia was perfect.  She had no intention of getting a divorce but she liked sex and she didn't like having sex with her husband.  That left her with one option and that was an affair.  She had also had a previous affair so she was not all squirly about anything.  Oh, and she was very attractive and oh so cool!  In retrospect the problem was that I had never had an affair at this point and I think that scared her.  So even though I am pretty sure she liked me and I certainly put no pressure on her, she bailed out before things got complicated.  That is what happens out here and I guess that is the lesson for today.  Be prepared to be disappointed.  But in disappointment you learn!

On another note today is a holiday celebrating the life of a truly great American (who happened to have some faults btw which included his own affairs).  But back in 2011 I chose the lyrics from The Crystal Chandelier because I thought it reflected what had transpired between Alecia and I and it also celebrated the spirt of MLK Day which is breaking down barriers.  The singer of that song is Charley Pride from the Delta town of Sledge, MS.  Most of you probably have no clue who he is.  But to someone who had a lot of growing up experiences in the deep south in the 70's he is an important figure.

I have to admit growing up in the south I heard many of my relatives say plenty of disparaging racial epithets over the years.  I think that is one reason why my dad bailed on the deep south after college; he wanted to leave that thinking behind.  But I'll tell you in spite of those words those southern ladies sure did love that silky smooth voice of Charley Pride.  And I'll bet more than one of those southern belles secretly thought about having that handsome African American man in their bed.  So along with reading this re-peat, listen to some of those Charley Pride songs and know how a charming, sweet-singing, handsome, African American man helped a lot with progress along the way.

And remember also "you've got to kiss an angle good mornin' and love 'er like the devil when you get back home...."

Ryan's Repeats:

from January 17th, 2011.....
Today is a holiday celebrating the life of one of America’s most inspirational leaders. With that in mind and because of the next phase of my story I chose this lyric from a Charley Pride song Chrystal Chandeliers. Charley Pride is one of my classic country favorites and had many hits including “Kiss an Angle Goodmornin’” and “Is Anybody Going to San Antone.’” He is not as well known now as other artists of his era such as Johnny Cash or Glenn Campbell but he was a true pioneer. Along with Ray Charles he was the rare African American that scored on country charts in the 60’s and 70’s. Additionally, his style helped create the “Countrypolitan” sound of the late 60’s (sometimes know as the Bakersfield or Outlaw country sound) that brought Nashville to a mainstream audiences. As a child of the south I know he broke down barriers. There is a famous quote from an Alabama football coach about the barriers Sam Cunningham broke when his USC team beat the Crimson Tide in Birmingham in the early 1970’s. I recently read a book about the game and its impact.

By being such a mainstream musical success Charley Pride broke down as many barriers.

OK so sorry for the music/sports/political history lesson of the day but as I said before, it’s my blog. As you can tell about the only things I am interested in are sex, sports, food, and music. Hey wait, that just makes me like 90% of all American males J Anyway I like that song and the lyrics seem to fit here. So I will move on. But sense I did speak about Ray Charles doesn’t “I Can’t Stop Loving You” just rip your heart out.

If you have been reading the previous blog entries you would know that communication did not appear to be one of Alecia’s fortes, or at least not so with me. Although to be fair she really owed me nothing.

Simply put I never heard from her again. What was exasperating was that through the month+ that we had communicated and between the five times we had met there had been gaps where I could not reach her so over the following weeks I was unsure if she had moved on, was scared, was busy??? I certainly did not want to be a stalker, I just generally wanted to continue seeing her or at least know it was over and perhaps why, I can be bad with closure. About a month after I last saw her I sent this final message:

Hey Alecia,

I wanted to reach out to you again. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. You are a neat, cool person and a joy to spend time with! I would like to keep in touch even if as friends.

I have to admit I stopped by your profile a few times and noticed that you must still be searching for that right person and had perhaps met others. I was still hoping I might be that right person at some time. And remember, like your one friend’s husband, I can be a glutton for punishment and keep on smiling!

I probably did something to chase you away or disappoint you (I am prone to being obtuse). I have thought about it a lot and certainly I should have walked you to the car the last time we met and I know I made a comment in jest about working out at the gym at the hotel to make the visit worthwhile which was insensitive. You, of course, are beyond value!

Again, please write back. I can be bad with closure so “buzz off” would be a good response if that is your thought. Of course, “stop by some time” would be a welcomed response as well! I would love to talk about our summers.

Take Care, Ryan

I really meant the “buzz off” phrase. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, part of my AM experiment was to see if I really was a jerk. I figured if someone else could validate Shannon’s opinion of me perhaps she was right and I needed to change even more.

This was actually worse, I could infer that I had done something wrong but maybe she had gotten what she wanted and moved on or maybe I just wasn’t for her. But I had nothing concrete, just silence.

I guess the upside was that as we entered late June the family was set for several trips including the beach, July 4th, a wedding, and a big trip to the West Coast. I would have some things to keep my mind busy and occupied. But still after being on top of the world it hit hard to feel that I was back to where I started.

Looking at it from Alecia’s viewpoint it probably was better just to make a clean cut. I am a typical guy so I am sure if she tried to be polite and cut it off slowly it would have been just as disappointing and I probably would have tried to keep it going by offering up the old “let’s be friends” route.

Oh well, c’est la vie! As Scarlett O’Hara says “tomorrow is another day.”

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Everyone Needs a Bosom for a Pillow

 OK, that lyric really has nothing to do with today's post but it got your attention, right!

Btw according to my count this actually is my, for real, 300th published post.

Today, as we begin our new year, is another addition of my best of the rest.  These are lyrics I like but I don't think I'll ever get to use as a title for this cheatin' blog.  But those lyrics above actually are from a real song.  They are from the 1997 song Brimful of Asha by the Brit group Cornerstone.  The lyrics are apparently (according to wiki) a tribute to Asha Bhosle who did the voice-over on many Bollywood soundtracks.  Anyway it's a fairly catchy song that sort of just makes you feel relaxed.  The band in the video below seems pretty relaxed while they play as well.  And of course they get a reward for stating the obvious with their elegant bridge lyric "everyone needs a bosom for a pillow!"
 As always leave your guesses on the song these lyrics come from.  Your prize will be my eternal respect and reverence!  :)
*  I never had schoolin' but he taught me well with his smooth Southern style...
    -  wow, that's what all the girls tell me!  :)
*  I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the Saints; the sinners are much more fun...
*  And it wasn't low blows and video hos
I actually used this song for a post but used other lyrics; I love the artful use of "video" as an adjective to modify the vernacular use of the noun "whore."  :)
*  De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you.
*  The boss don't like me, face like a weasel; all on my hands, the smell of diesel.
*  Early morning, April 4th shots ring out in the Memphis sky.  Free at last, they took your life; they could not take your pride
*  Have you come here to play Jesus, to the leapers in your head
*  You're dangerous 'cause you're honest, your're dangerous you don't know what you want.  Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lott for any spirit to haunt.
*  Well my heart is where it's always been, my head is somewhere in between
*  Romeo and Juliet are together in eternity.  40,000 men and women everyday (like Romeo and Juliet)..... we can be like they are
*  You say you came to Baltimore from Ole Miss, a class of '74 gold ring...
*  Well we know where we're going, but we don't know where we've been.  And we know what we're knowing, but we can't say what we've seen.
*  Time, time, time see what's become of me while I looked around for my possibilities, I was so hard to please.
*  Many have I loved - many times been bitten', many times I've gazed along the open road.
On second thought I should have used this one before.
*  I'm 45 for a moment.  The sea is high and I'm headin' into a crisis, chasing the years of my life
*  On the (Potomac) side streets the you slip down provincial towns you jog round hang the (blogger), hang the (blogger), hang the (blogger); hang the (blogger)
I changed those just a bit for a/effect
*  Starry starry night, paint your pallet blue and grey.  Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness of my soul.
*  I ain't got a penny for Cotton Jenny to spend but then the wheels go round.
*  We're through being cool, eliminate the ninnies and the twits...
*  Hey now wait a minute gotta put some dog in it!
That's actually a cheer I once heard.    :)

* And a great movie quote:  "well as the king his own self said they ain't nothin' in this whole wide world foolproof ceptin' coup de Villes and hookers!"   :)

* And one from a book:  "'But this road doesn't go anywhere,' I told him. 'That doesn't matter.' 'What does?' I asked after a little while.  'Just that we're on it, dude!'"
 I've used that quote for AM, it worked!

And finally in the immortal words of my kindred spirit Forest Gump "I'm pretty tired now," I think I'll take a nap.  Anyone have a bosom for my pillow!  :)

Monday, January 14, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!

I used to e-mail Riff a bit back in the day.  I really never asked him for AM advice.  What we did lament back and forth a bit on, though, was blogging comments.  He often said the posts he thought were the best sometimes got the least comments (which seemed odd to me since he usually got about 20 comments no matter what he said). But I concurred.  He also said often he would write about something and then people would take it in a completely different direction.  He said he finally gave up and just wrote and let the chips fall where they may.  I guess I should take his advice.  Unfortunately I still obsess over comments - I guess I'm a prima donna!  :)

Anyway the post below is quite probably my favorite post of all time.  I have to say I am sure I thought about this one and stressed over getting it just right more than any other.  It was the collision of two things that fascinate me - economics and women!  I did get two comments from two of my best followers Kat and Rosie.  Thanks ladies!  But I have to say apparently the world didn't get this post as well as I did or maybe they just didn't see the humor, who knows?

Back in the fall of 2011 when I was e-mailing Sandee it occurred to me that she was probably one of Riff's famed "e-mail queens (I'd have linked to his post but it is so very unfortunately gone from antiquity)."  The funny thing was is that while I am quite sure she signed onto AM with no intention of ever meeting anyone she just happened to come across a blogger who really needed something to blog about.  What happened is that I became quite enchanted by the written communication with her and though we would go through many stories and quirky turns, as time went on I became more and more emboldened to actually meet her no matter what.  But that would end up being a story for later.

Buy Low/Sell High? Screw it, I'll blog!
For some reason though all this thinking about e-mail queens got me to thinking about those college days gone by sitting in Investments II at Big State U.  I remembered doing the calculus behind charting the intersection of an individual's curvi-linear preference for risk vs return against the linear plot between the risk/return trade-off line of government treasure bonds and the stock market.  We even talked about these things called "derivatives" which sounded so perfect and interestingly beautiful as the calculus played out.

Somewhere in there I started to think about those curves and how they might be represented in the form of an e-mail queen.  Is an e-mail queen's preference curve bounded by infinity?  Who knows, but I knew the world needed an intrepid entrepreneur such as myself to seek the answer!   :)

Oh and those derivatives I used to study?  They look great on paper but in practice they are just another damn Ponzi scheme!

And nobody got my economics joke for christ sake.  Read to the end, I call the curve in my analysis the Laughter Curve!  Get it, you know like the Laffer Curve that Reagonomics was based off of?  And nobody picked up on the "ass moment" in my post either as I was using it describe the magnitude of the charge I got from looking at that woman's ass.  Get it, kind of like a "Dipole moment!?"  OK, OK - I'm a geek; I admit it!   :)

Ryan's Repeats:

from January 17th, 2012...
My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!
Or the Science of Ashley Madison
a theoretical perspective by R. Beaumont (BS, MBA, and BMF)
...psst, that means bad mother fucker, he stole that from Cheech and Chong!

I don't speak a whole lot about my family here. Yes, I'm married and yes I've have two daughters but that is about all I've said. I am however very proud of my parents; they did as you can see raise me and I am grateful for that! They are both teachers and my father a professor and a fairly successful scientist. And so I grew up in a very logical family and am very familiar with scientific method. As you might have seen I have introduced science into my experiences from time to time.

Now I'm forgetting my point. Let me think.

Hmmm...., well anyway I'll remember it in a moment. In the meantime I'll just share this with you since I'm thinking about it.

The other day I was at the gym stretching out. I love the stretching room because there are mirrors on both sides of the room. As such I can stretch and while doing so look at the ass of the girl stretching behind me! So the other day I was stretching and watching this particularly nice ass that was in the mirror. Round, toned, and with a perfect three dimensional curvature with respect to width and depth and two perfectly round cheeks! Then I noticed I could see the reflection of myself looking at her ass and I had to hold back a giggle. God I love those rolled down waist bands; the person who thought of that deserves a Nobel Prize!

But then I noticed I could see her ass in the reflection of me looking at her ass. And then I realized that I could see myself looking at the reflection of the reflection of me looking at the reflection of her ass. This went on and on, my mind began to spin. I then contemplated what I saw. And then I realized, I was looking at an infinity of asses! Wow, science!

Yeah, now I remember what I was going to say. So in that "ass moment" that I was having I began to contemplate infinity and it's affect on life.

No silly, not like the infinity of the expanding universe or the infinity of the human creative mind or even how infinitely stupid Republicans from Texas can be. I'm talking how infinity affects a guy like me.

You know the other week I spent an entire five days talking about e-mail queens. Other friends of science, such as Riff Dog, have spent much time as well studying the e-mail queen.

But what no man has attempted is to discover is the theoretical boundary to infinity of the e-mail queen. It's really a simple exercise when you think about it. Normally after about a month of e-mailing the e-mail queen guys like me just give up. But, my young scientists, what would happen if you just kept e-mailing the e-mail queen. Would we in fact reach infinity? Or would we discover the limit of the e-mail queen or rather the point where we might actually intersect with the e-mail queen!

e-mails/day toward getting laid
For example, normally when you first encounter the e-mail queen there is the occasional e-mail and as you pick up interest the e-mails increase exponentially but will eventually tail off marginally as you realize you probably ain't getting laid. That actually represents your Positively Skewed Curvilinear Preference Function where the "y" axis represents the number of e-mails/day and the "x" axis represents time in weeks until getting laid. As time goes on you get closer and closer to getting laid but never quite reach intersection (or in this hypothesis intercourse) as your function plots to infinity.

Now this, my friends, is something worth researching!

Because my hypothesis is that certain e-mail queens do have a quantifiable limit and are not bounded by infinity. I pose that there is in fact a theoretical intercourse point for a given e-mail queen if one is patient enough or rather has a flat preference curve (or as I call it the Ryan Gullibility Curve or Laughter Curve).

Now we need only a subject to test our hypothesis that in fact as the curvilinear function tends towards infinity there is actually a point of intersection (intercourse) out there somewhere. Wow, now I'm feeling a bit like Columbus! Or perhaps more aptly Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science!

And so it was on a warm August day, when I took my first critical look at Ashley Madison in several months, that I took the first steps in a long journey of scientific discovery. And by critical look, I mean I had no sexual prospect at hand so I was looking to find someone and was going to be in "Ryan's really trying mode" which I really hadn't been in for almost a year.

Ooops, I'm getting a little long today - maybe this should be a 2 parter or more! :)


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Let's Get Lost in the Magic Place All Alone Now

The Super Bowl of Sex

I love this month's topic - The Super Bowl of Sex.  The Super Bowl is still three weeks away and one thing I love is when they show highlights of all those past Super Bowls on ESPN Classic leading up to the Big Game.

So because I love ESPN Classic and ripping off ideas I did some links to the Super Bowl *ucks of my past (as I've blogged them) and lead up to the end for my Super Bowl of Sex for this month's chain.

These are in no particular order as each lady was a Super Bowl Champion in her own way!  And btw those lyrics above are from the Berlin song "Sex (I'm A..) which to me is one of the Super Bowl Champions of songs to *uck to!

Ryan's Top 5 *ucks:

Super Bowl III - After Work with Tish

Super Bowl IV - Welcome Home with Shannon

And now for Super Bowl VI which really won't make much sense since chronologically it occured sometime between Super Bowl IV and V.  But then again this is just a silly blog.

The Super Bowl (VI) of Sex
A Mountain Retreat with Shannon

Recently I wrote in a post that I am an environmental *ucker.  That doesn't mean I'm a big time Greenpeace activist, it means that the setting is as important as the act for me when it comes to sex. Truth be told I like good old missionary and am perfectly happy with that if it's say in a fine hotel in New Orleans on New Year's Eve.  I enjoy a little kink now and again but I still need the good atmosphere for it to work for me.

Now I do like the outdoors and I do like water but still all things considered I enjoy the overall atmosphere and events that lead up to the encounter.  I enjoy the anticipation and the lead up to sex as much as the actual sex.

After getting married Shannon and I lived in a small town in the deep South.  We did not like it and I worked way too often.  I got a promotion to a job back on the East Coast in a town we both liked.  I didn't work as much initially so things were better between us for a time.  During this time when we were still somewhat newly married but without kids we would sometimes drive away for a weekend getaway.

One spring weekend we drove up into the mountains to a very quaint artsy town near a beautiful river.  There used to be a railroad along the river and it is now a "rail to trail" conversion.  Our thought was to get in on a Friday, enjoy a nice dinner, wake up and go for a nice hike the next day, and enjoy another nice diner that evening.  Of course I assumed there would be a lot of enjoyable sex in between.  After all, if there wasn't this would not be a very good story for Kat's Blog Chain would it?

We arrived in the town around dinner time and ate at a sports bar in the hotel.  It was a little late so we just walked around town a little and then went into the room.  Shannon decided to take a shower.  My impulse was to watch some sports but then I got up and went into the bathroom and peaked through the curtains and asked if she needed a back rub.  She said sure.  For the next 20 minutes we enjoyed a steamy soapy bath.  It was a little too small to comforably have sex standing up but we got enough of an intro to be fairly energized.

I got out and dried off an then did my normal Greek statue posing thing laying on the bed naked and waiting for her.  She came around the courner and layed on top of me.  For some reason I always found that really exciting feeling her naked body on top of me.  She rubbed my legs and then moved underneath me and massaged my cock with her soft hands.  As she rubbed I slowly rotated over and allowed her to then fit her beautiful and delicate body on top of me.  She moved over me and reached behind rubbing my balls.  After severall minutes she collapsed on top of me and from underneath her I pumped hard until we were finished.  We were actually fairly tired so I don't remember the rest of the night being much more than the sort of tender married cuddling one is normally accustomed to but it did feel great.

The next morning we woke up and walked down the street to an inn for breakfast.

After breakfast it was onto a state park and a walk through some striking rock formations.  After the state park we drove down to the river to walk along the trail.

The trail and the river were quite tranquil.  We walked for what must have been a few miles.  At one point we reached a bend in the river and saw several rocks that seemed to lead out to an island.  Shannon is not the adventurous type but I talked her into hopping those rocks to venture out to the island.  I had something in mind!

Once on the island and facing away from the trail we were completely alone within that valley below the mountains.  We dropped our backpacks and were kissing under a shading tree.

Soon my hands were inside of her pants probing for what I hoped would lead to sex.  I moved behind her and prepared myself her gracefully pull her pants down in preparation for what I hoped would be very hot sex from behind.

But lo and behold as we looked down we saw what could be discribed as a swarm of beatles crawling over the rocks around us and all the way to the river.  Actually a swarm would be an understatement.  I was a little grossed out which means that Shannon who has a major bug phobia was 'effin FREAKING!  No sex for Ryan.

Quickly we exited the island and walked back to the car.  It was late in the day so we drove back to town.

Thankfully though we still were fairly horny from the encounter.  The other thing here is that at this time we were starting to try to have a family.  These were those great times when we were just thinking about it.  We were not taking body temperatures to assess when she was ovulating and putting it on our calendars to have sex at 2:13 pm on Thursday afternoon.  No this was still just that "we'll have sex as much as we like and if it happens it happens."

The good thing here is that under those conditions when a women's overies are "all afflutter" she can be a sex fiend.  And there is no orgasm like the orgasm you have when you don't have any protection and you don't care at all. 

So what does that all mean.  It means that after we got back to the room we had another shower session with a lot of kissing, soaping, back-rubbing, and clit/dick massaging.

After the shower followed the "from behind" sex we had missed on the island but actually better here because now I had a mirror where I could look at myself plunging into Shannon's gorgeous flanks from up close and through the mirror.

I am never quite able to orgasm from behind though.  And so we fell back into a missionary postion and what I will now describe as my Super Bowl of sex.  For as I have said I am an environmental *ucker.  No this was not kinky; what remained was just plain old vanilla missionary sex.  But it was the atmosphere and the lead up that did it for me as always.

As I settled on top of Shannon's body, the body that has always felt like it fit just right for mine, we got into that perfect rhythm.  After a wonderful day, with no cares in the world, and being in that blissful unified rhythm as one we orgasmed together.

Exhausted from the day we just remained in that last position soaked in sweat but feeling great.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Lord Almighty I Feel My Temperature Risin'

Before I go into too much I have to thank Kat for her post on Friday (here).  Her Las Vegas post reminded me that Elvis Presley's birthday is near (tomorrow in fact).  I had forgotten it last year and was mad because I wanted to do a food post about it.  Long ago during those days of my "flirtation" with Renee we had exchanged gifts at Christmas.  I am sure I just got her a bottle of wine and some chocolate.  Oh wait, I remember, I got her a mini Christmas tree as well as the wine and chocolate.  She in turn got me a cookbook of Elvis' favorite recipes.  I remember I was so touched that someone took the time to think about what I would really like in a present.

So thanks to Kat I am now remembering Elvis' birthday this year.  He would be 78 tomorrow if he were still alive.  Perhaps if he were still alive he would be doing a reunion tour or doing a sampling video with J Beebs and Ludicris or more likely he would have his own theatre now in Vegas or worse Branson, MO!

But here is my food post with some videos of my favorite Elvi songs (with notes) to follow:

Elvis' Famous Meatloaf:

1# of Ground Beef
1 tsp of Salt
1 tsp of Pepper
2 Garlic Buds - chopped
1/4 Cup of Chopped Onions
3 Slices of Bread - finely chopped into crumbs
1/2 Cup of Wheat Germ
1/4 Cup of Chopped Celery
2 Eggs
1 Can of Tomato Juice

Combine all ground beef, salt, pepper, chopped garlic, onions, wheat germ, bread crumbs, and celery into mixing bowl and stir until completely mixed.  Stir tomato juice into mixture until completely combined.  Beat eggs into mixture until completely combined.

Place into loaf pan and cook at 375 degrees for 35 minutes or until desired crispiness on top.

I would suggest removing from oven after about 25 minutes and pouring off some of the grease.

At that point I also suggest spreading ketchup on top or even glazing the top with a reduction of tomato juice or sauce.

Maybe next year I'll do the Famous Elvis Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich!


Now here are some of my all-time favorite Elvis songs with notes:

Cold Kentucky Rain - My all time favorite Elvis song penned by Eddie Rabbitt of I Love a Rainy Night fame.

A Little Less Conversation - Shouldn't that always be the point.  From the movie Live a Little, Love a Little and written by Mac Davis one of Elvis' favorite song-writers.

In the Ghetto - Another song written by Mac Davis, originally written for Sammy Davis but picked up by Elvis late in his career.

Burning Love - I cheat a little here as this version is sung by Travis Tritt but damn this is my favorite movie scene of ALL TIME period.  Flying Elvises - so delectably low class!  Like Me!

You Were Always on My Mind - Wiki says "Yesterday" by Paul Simon is the most covered song of all time but this one sure has been covered a lot.  It was originally recorded by Brenda Lee but Elvis' version sure seems the most poignant, you can almost feel him singing this to Priscilla.  Regardless this song is always sweet to hear when done by Elvis, Willie Nelson, or even the Pet Shop Boys

Susan When She Tried - Elvis covers a great Statler Brothers song here.  I always have liked his cross-over country songs best.  His sound fit well with that late 60's Countrypolitan Sound along with his past Rock-a-Billy friends like Johnny Cash.  This song is one of my all time favorites.  "There's just one, I remember, makes me feel funny down inside.  I'd trade 'em all for just an hour of Susan when she tried."  Boy I sure could say that of Shannon.

Suspicious Minds - I think this is tied as my favorite Elvis song.  I once sang this song at a bar to Karaoke to impress a young lady.  It worked!  I wrote about her (here).

Friday, January 4, 2013

FFF - Invitation

Check Out FFF This week on Advizor's Blog!

"If I get one more 'manditory invitation' I'll scream," she thought to herself.  How many times must one "meet and greet" to stay "relivant" and "in the public eye."

"Screw it," she said to herself.  "All I want to do tonight is lounge around my room in my undies and please myself with the the person I hold dearest!"  Me!

If my "management team" won't let me do that in private I guess I'll just give those Paparazzi a thrill!  I don't even want a piece of the "straight to DVD" sex video on the back end - they can have it.

And so the headline the next day on TMZ was:

"Starlet a Real Crowd Pleaser as She Pleases Herself"

And on OMG: "Finger me this Batman, someone forgot to tell LL 'don't wear a see through black chemise after Labor Day in public!'"

And finally the National Enquirer had this to say:
"I hope she washed those hands after touching that bearded dragon!"

As I so often do I am going to cheat this week.  I was on vacation and was unable to get an FFF up last week.  But a story hit me immediately when I saw Advizor's picture.  So on a very long plane ride (which I may tell you about later) I mentally wrote this tale.
Sorry to be late Advizor but I guess better late than never.  Although I think the lady in this picture might have preferred never!  And since I am cheating I may as well up the anti by making my late entry a shameless copy of an old favorite.  Take a look at the original (and far better version) here.  But anyway, in the immortal words of that baseball great Ernie Banks "let's play two!"  Here goes....
FFF - Chained!
I had borne a lifetime of disappointment as Fortunata's unfortunate friend and confidant.  But as she embarked on her latest insult I vowed revenge.  My family's motto states "Nemo me impune lacessit!"  On my family's honor Fortunata's wrongs would be redressed with the chains of my retribution. 
Yes, that which Fortunata had so often deprived me of was in fact her weakness.  With a feeling of smug impunity she often looked upon the men she enjoyed like a fine Amontillado; something to savor for a moment and then spit out when needs had been fulfilled.  But she had drank of my Amontillado once too often.  And so on one Carnival's Eve I set upon my plan to right those wrongs that had been set upon me by that vixen who so often drank too much of her own self importance.
"Fortunata!  Fortunata!"  I called to her.  "I am so well met by you this fine evening.  How dazzeling you look for Carnival.  Oh my dear I must tell you of my latest folly.  The dear Luchesi has asked me to join him on a holiday.  I think he is quite the catch.  I must introduce you to him so that you can let me know if he is worth the effort.  You are so well known of these matters.  With men I am so easily taken as my experience is so slight.  I would so easily take a Blacksmith for a Baron and be none the wiser.  Please my dear Fortunata let me take you to my Luchesi and you will know if my tender thoughts are well found."
"Luchesi?" Fortunato replied.  "I do hope you are referring to the Luchesi of Cortina and not of Corsica.  Oh my dear Montressa you are so lucky to know me.  Without me you would run off with a man that is no better than a cheap Sherry and assume he was the Amantillado you wished for."
"Come, let us go to this Luchesi.  Where are you keeping him to yourself my dearest friend?"  Fortunata said with a wry smile that told of her inevitable misdeeds most certainly already fermenting in her plagued mind.
Had she known of the sweet icy fermentation I had envisioned for her she would not have been so well engaged.

So I motioned her to follow me.  I told her Luchesi and I were going to share a glass of Amontillado he had newly found in Genoa and had brought to me as a gift to the voyage he now proposed.

We walked down passages to the depths of the castle and toward the cellars.  Fortunata asked me to describe my Luchesi so she would not be startled should he not be he who I thought.

I told her that he had long jet black hair and the warmest of olive eyes and skin warmed and weathered by the slopes.  I told her of his beautiful voice that always held the most elegant and newest poetry to his tongue. 
Fortunata quickly retorted, "Oh my dear Montressa I fear I know this Luchesi.  He is not the man you think he is.  He is indeed a knave of the worst order.  What is worse is I hear that he enjoys delivering his foul lust to his unfortunate ladies in the form of a Spanish inquisition!  Too often a fair maid has found herself bound and naked to the receiving end of his angry tempestuous whip.  Once shamed and beaten she is then his toy with which to play and too often discarded as he searches for his next prey."

"Whatever do you mean my dear Forunata?  You are so good and true to me."

Fortunata replied, "My sweet Montressa what you do not know is that your evil Baron enjoys chaining his prey and feasting on their innocents."

"Oh Fortnata how did I get myself into this and how can I avoid being his prey."

With an endearing firmness that belied her true nature Fortunata stated "My dear I must help, I insist.  I will go to your vault and prepare myself in the manner of his wishes.  Go to your Luchesi and tell him that I wish to have a word with him in private before I bless your union.  When he arrives and sees me prepared for his debauchery he will not be able to withhold his sins.  You must be near in order to watch his treachery and then you will know that he is not the one for you.  In this way we will catch him in his misdeeds and set you free."

"Oh my dear Fortunata, how do I deserve you.  You are too good to me."

"Montressa it is for you that I do this.  I will bear his whip if it is you that I save.  You are lucky to have me."

And so I was ready to spring my trap.  For I did know of this Luchesi as his reputation did introduce him on most occasions.  I did in fact know that he was much like that Marquis de Sade that much had been written.  I also knew that he was one of the few men in Torino that my Fortunata had not tasted of.  The thought of me taking a holiday with a man she could not have would be too much for her.  The thought of this knave Luchesi was the perfect trap.

Fortunata and I found our way to the cellars and to the fine cask of Amantillado.  Before I sprung my trap she and I enjoyed a dram of that sweet elixir.  As we waited for Luchesi we were quickly warmed by the sweet liquid.  And as I witnessed Fortnata's giddiness rising as her drink was melting down her throat I started to close the trap.

"Where-ever has my Luchesi gone to, he said he would be here by the hour of 9."  I exclaimed in disgust.

Fortunata replied "Yes, this must be that Luchesi of Corsica; only a fiend would leave you in this dark place my good Montressa."

"Fortunata I will go find him and send him to you; I will not make you seek him out nor suffer the indignity of his error.  Continue to enjoy my Amontillado and I'll away to seek him and return him to your favor with haste."

Fortunata nodded an approval and motioned my leaving with a flip of the hand.  I knew she was enjoying the Amontillado and my need of her.  And of course I knew she looked forward to an encounter with Luchesi should he arrive.

I left to find Luchesi.  He was not hard to find.  He was in the wardrobe of my room.  Surprisingly he fit me well.  His dark cape, hat, and scabbard soon hid the distinction of the wearer.  I moved quickly through the party.  Most ignored me but some bid their fond salutations to their friend Luchesi who seemed a bit slighter in stature this evening.  But all went back to their conversations without another thought of any difference in Luchesi.

So costumed I made my way back to the celler and back to Fortunata.

Once arrived I addressed Fortunata in a different tone.

"Ah, I had hoped it would be you, the fair Fortunata!  I have sent that dolt Montressa away and now I will have the fairest beauty in these lands.  How I have wished to taste something more sweet than the finest Amontillado and now I see her here before me.  I will have you and you will know the pleasure I give."

Fortunata replied "My dear Luchesi it is you.  I know of your knavery and I fear it not!  The only answer to fine wine is a finer stock well met for a second course.  It is inevitable that we meet and enjoy one another.  You will not soon fine an Amontillado that will be my equal."

"Will you take my chains" (I asked in my new voice of Luchesi).

Fortunata nodded yes.

Full of the Amontillado she had imbibed she took no notice of the dark, yet slight stranger who now disrobed her and placed shackles at her feet.  She only knew that what she took for the Luchesi in front of her was a taste she had not held about her tounge and that she must have that taste now.

Once shakeled I stepped back from her.  Observing her fine figure I could see why so many men had fallen to her charms.  Yes I could well imagine how a knave such as Luchesi might well wish to tap her fine buttocks with the whip or better yet plunge himself into those beautiful soft pillows and dive into her silky loins and lay chest upon pleasing breasts and drink of her kiss as her long dark hair cascaded over sweaty shoulders pumping hard and warmed at pleasurous activity.

For a moment I did want to take up Luchesi's craft upon her and take enjoyment so.  But I shook myself back to my mission.

I said "Now my dear Fortunata I must away to gain the favor of my instuments of pain that will bring you the pleasure this Amontillado scarcely can yield.  I will be back promplty and then you will know of me the way none other has."

But of course this was not Luchesi it was me, Montressa. 
As I removed my costume and locked the gate behind me I heard her screams.
"For the love of God Montressa!  My dearest friend do not leave me to wither with these bones.  All my life I have lived to be your well met confidant.  How do you come to this deed given to one who loves you so dearly!"
"For one who loves me so dearly, indeed" I thought to myself as I closed the gate behind me leaving my labors.  My heart was sick as I walked away.  Many still remember her beauty and wonder where she went.  But for this past half century no man has fallen pry to her samplings.
May she rest in peace.