Thursday, September 26, 2013

Don't Cross the River if You Can't Swim the Tide

“There was a long hard time when I kept far from me the remembrance of what I had thrown away when I was quite ignorant of its worth.” 
― Charles DickensGreat Expectations

When you are contemplating a livelihood on Ashley Madison then no truer words were ever spoken than those title lyrics above from Dan Peek and America "don't cross the river if you can't swim, don't try denighing living on the other side...."

I seem to remember about a month ago I mentioned a "Great Opportunity."  A Great Opportunity that led to Great Expectations.  Great Expectations resulting from another few days sans family.  I had had two of those this summer already and Sandee and I had been able to enjoy one another's company after the sun set. But in both cases we had nowhere to go.  She did not dare come home with me for fear of crossing boundaries and I did not push.  But on one of those final weeks of the summer I was again alone and this time I was also house sitting or should I say in possession of one of those "secret hideaways" we all wish we could check on AM.  To be completely dorkie though my main mission wasn't so much to simple screw Sandee's brains out; I really wanted to cook for her, something I had always bragged about but never had the opportunity to actually do.  This was that opportunity and my "Expectations" were high.  Would they be realized or would I be another Pip chasing his Estella through life never quite catching up to her for certain.

The week of Great Expectations started on Wednesday.  Work was light and I knew I could leave early for a paddling trip ahead of dinner and then other activities.

However, an old college friend was in town and Sandee had already made plans to jaunt over to Olde Town Alexandria for dinner and drinks.  She mentioned that there might be a chance for a late night hook-up, I was certainly happy to be her "booty call" if she so desired.  She texted me several times through her meal of crab legs et al.  But in the end she was late getting back so it was on to Thursday.  I did my work-out at the gym and was genuinely happy to know she was having a good time in the safety of an old friend's company.  She needed that!

Thursday was always the day I planned for.  Again, it would be a paddle trip and then perhaps some Swordfish on the grill and then some Netflicks and then onto, well, you know.  The first part (kayaking) we had definitive plans for so I was hopeful.  Late in the day a text came through.

"can't get out this afternoon, things bad at home, very bad!  :(  Will explain later."

I texted back "OK, that's fine.  Are you OK?  Let's plan for breakfast tomorrow, I still want to make you that omelete!"

She wrote back "I really want to, I just can't help it.  We OK?"

We texted several times that evening while I was at the gym.  I think Sandee's husband was on a rant.  I was genuinely worried for her.  I tried to keep her spirits up by being light and funny.  I didn't press for anything from her.  I had learned when pressed she retreated.

I was still OK with all this.  Heck I was even able to get caught by the fam at the gym for 2 hours.  As an aside when you are doing these types of things often it is good to get caught in the act of NOT cheating.  For example, if you are supposed to be mowing the lawn get caught at the gym or playing golf.  The next time you are not doing what you are supposed to do, others will assume you are screwing around at golf rather than the cute blond MILF you met on AM.  I know I have a warped sense of logic!  But it keeps me going.

The next morning came and went with no word.  I tried calling with no answer.  I guess there would be no Spinach Omelet and morning coffee this time around.  I texted her in the early afternoon as I still would have time to meet in the afternoon for a walk, talk, or anything else that might happen.

This was beginning to feel familiar, similar to another Great Expectation almost two years ago now. I was generally concerned for Sandee, parts of me yearned to be the help she needed.  And then the selfish part of me was getting a little tired of all of this.

Late in the afternoon I got a text:  "I can't get out this afternoon or maybe ever, I'm really sorry... I am"

I replied "it's OK, I know it's tough."

In the end what I really wanted to say to Sandee was..

"If you want you can ride my train.  And soon forget the reason that you're leaving.  You'll lose yourself and then sometime maybe even save yourself some griev'en."

And yet to myself I thought...

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” 
― Charles DickensGreat Expectations

Yep, if you're out here on AM you got to keep this in mind...."don't cross the river if you can't swim the tide..."

Friday, September 20, 2013

FFF - The Good, the Bad, and the Horny

Well you're up so you may as well get over the Advizor's Blog and get FFF'd up!
"Goddamit Sundance open up, I said I wanted to *uck you once more before you went to that *hithole down south!"

"It's called Bolivia, my dear, it's a paradise waiting to be plucked by two fine gentlemen such as we (Butch intervened from inside)!"

"*uck you Butch, I ain't talkin' to you!  I want to *uck Sundance not hear you're jackass comments.  I already dealt with the bad and the ugly with that awful gang of yourn's; I don't need the stupid now, open up.  I need more of that good Sundance-lovin'!"

"Give us a moment dear, we're indisposed and meanwhile enjoy that lovely day out there, no raindrops fallin' on your pretty little head are they?"

"NO Butch it ain't rainin' but if'n I get to you you'll be feeling some golden raindrops!"

"Oh my poor Etta 'don't piss down my back and say it's raining,' as they say!"

"(Sundance now) OK, OK Etta my body is bent and broken and everything hurts from that train heist yesterday.  Luckly for you the one thing that's ain't hurt, bent, or broken is the one thing you're after so come on in; I've got a seat for you right here (door opens as Sundance is lying naked on a bed in the background)."

"See Sundance, that's all I wanted; you know just how to make a lady feel special!"  ;)

Met B.J. backstage once many years ago; pretty nice guy!  Meaning I met the singer, not that I got a BJ from a nice guy backstage once!  :)
Btw, that Katherine Ross is one of my all time hotties!  I didn't realize she was married to Sam Elliott.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - Been Up and Down for You

You know we all have stress in our lives.  My life is no different although I really can't complain because things are way more often good than they are bad for me.  In fact as Sandee would say I have a pretty wonderful life all things considered.  But blogging does take the edge off the little stress I do have.  It kind of allows me to lead that "Secret Life of Walter Mitty" and be that anecdotist and raconteur of relationships and lifestyle.  Usually I like to do that through the medium of humor.  Occasionally though I do like to make an attempt at some deep meaning.  This post was one of those times where I thought I could impart some knowledge or rather introduce some constructive thinking.  I still added some humor though; glad I found a way to bring Star Trek into the equation (one of my all time favorite shows)!

I do think we all need to assess, at times, "the nature of your current relationship?"  What box would you check?

As a note the employee I write about is still around and doing much better.  He has gone through a divorce but got his house.  Not to brag but you know knowing old Ryan has benefits.  I set him up with a lawyer friend of mine and he got him off the hook.  Once he (the lawyer friend) let the judge know about the wife's affinity for housing packs of cats her case was a bit comprimised.  You know what they say "better to be 'lawyer'd up than good!"   :)

Here is what I wrote further about the lawyer friend.

Speaking of perks I got to see REO Speedwagon backstage several years ago (lyrics above from their song Time for Me to Fly) per my job.  My God did they look old as dirt and I'm always intriged by how short and shrimpy so many famous people are (at least compared to me)!

By the way an updated version of the "Secret Life of Walter Mitty" is due out soon starring Ben Stiller and Kristen Wiig, you can bet I'll be there if Kristen is!  Cute and funny is just my speed and I bet she's better in person!

Ryan's Repeat
from September 26th, 2012.....

Or checking boxes

No I'm not talking about checking those Ashley Madison boxes today. I've been a bit reflective recently which is a rare thing for me unless it involves BBQ or the Redskins or maybe Lynyrd Skynyrd (just joking, I'm not that into Skynyrd - just wanted to see if you were paying attention)! Given that, I decided to sit down and write the following thoughts. Well not really, I had planned this post a while back but then I started writing about Shannon again and decided to push it back a little. I have a few more reflective posts in the queue so to speak in the coming weeks.

Time to fly? :(

About a month ago I had an employee who got into a little spat with his spouse. She managed to get him kicked out of the house. Well really she called the cops on him and a Sheriff's Deputy asked him to leave. He has some disabilities and I know his story a bit so I was very skeptical that this was in fact a domestic violence issue. To put it lightly his wife is "bat *hit craza'!" Well crazy if you consider ownership of 20+ cats correlated to craziness. Anyway, from what I know she is crazy and I know that he could be easily taken advantage of due to his disabilities so I decided I should help a little more than to just say take a few days off and tell me when you can return.

I won't go into very much detail but one thing really moved me when I was helping him. He showed me the order for his family court hearing. I was reading through it to help him make sense of what would be happening and what he would need to do.

And then I saw this particular section that is the basis of this post and seemed so profound in looking at mine or any marriage.

The question asked something like this:

Describe the nature of your current relationship (check all that apply)?

* Married
* Dating
* Living Together
* In a Sexual Relationship
* Had Children Together

It hit me immediately. I was trying to understand the document so I could explain to my employee the legalese. But immediately I started to think what would I be checking off (for real) if I was filling out this questionnaire about my marriage?

Married? Yes, that signed contract is still valid for us but I hardly feel married. To the extent that one can be in a "common law" marriage without marital relations I guess we are married but in a traditional sence certainly not. And more importantly there is hardly the desire to move ourselves out of the spot we have found ourselves. Is there concern for one another? Certainly, we both need one another's paychecks and we would never wish ill upon our children's other parent but in the end aggrevation is a poor way to show concern for someone in your life.

Got to interject here with my favorite Shannon quote.

Me - "I need you to support me"
Shannon - "I am supporting you by kicking your ass!"

Ahhhh...., that Shannon; God love her! Makes me feel like that Harry Mud dude from Star Trek.

Ryan on AM :)
Ryan at home :(

Dating? Not hardly, that would mean we would have to be talking to one another without the girls around. That is too difficult and weird. Each night she goes her way and I go mine, if I'm lucky!

Living Together? Yep, we generally do go to sleep under the same roof. But that is about it. Well actually even that is debatable as one of us is generally on the road about 2/3 days a week which is of course a blessing. So really we only live together about 50% of the time when you consider we each go our seperate ways on our free time as well.

In a Sexual Relationship? I'll pass, enough said.

Had Children Together? Yes, that is kind of why we are still together even when we really can't check all of the above. Isn't that often the case. The last foothold of a marriage is parenthood and in this troubled economy the necessity of two incomes that our consumptive society has somehow deemed necessary. Divorce may be a relief but it also may mean no more ballet lessons and that trip to Disney. How then does one walk toward happiness as you walk away from the sad face of a child who may miss out on a dream.

So one full check and two half checks for Ryan and Shannon.

My reflection that I wish to pass onto you today is think about what you would check if someone gave you that questionnaire the Sheriff's Deputy gave my co-worker. You need to be checking them all off and I'd say if you can't check at least 4 you need to be doing something about your life.

As for my co-worker I hooked him up with a lawyer friend of mine and he got a good ruling from the Family Court Judge. His wife was able to stay in the house for another 30 days and he moved in with his sister temporarily. Because the deed to the house was in his name he was able to move back in just recently and she has moved on. I have to add this because I just had to ask my lawyer friend about the likihood of domestic violence. He smiled, laughed a bit, and said "his wife is a pretty tough looking gal, I think she is well capable of taking care of herself." I thought as much. Not to make light of domestic violence which is of course a dispicable act but I wanted to make sure I was helping someone who truly deserved it. I think I did.

I've got another funny post I'm working on about my lawyer friend Danny. Hopefully I'll have that out in a few weeks. It's about Ryan's take on "couples dating" which of course means I'll take a Three Stooge'esque take on something others would consider sultry or taboo! :)


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I Have to Celebrate You Baby!

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)
Part III (the end, most likely)
from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

We started off with Fat Boy Slim so let's end with him too because these ladies do deserve to be celebrated.  But my point today is what did we learn from all this?  I'm all for the "take-aways" so here goes.

So what DID we really learn from all of this?  Of course we really didn't learn anything.  It's kind of like that movie "Tootsie" where Dustin Hoffman (as Tootsie) get's all the inside scoop on how to seduce a women from Jessica Lange (when she thinks Dustin's a woman) and then when he uses the exact wording on her as himself she slaps him.  In my case these ladies knew I was Ryan and I knew they knew I was Ryan and they knew I knew that all I had to be was myself and they would respond because they knew all along I knew they knew I knew what I was doing.  Who knew?  :)

But wait, amid all those "I knew's" (you know I love the "who's on first" humor, sorry to subjugate you to that) I think I said something pertinent about being myself.  And you know it might be that Dustin Hoffman failed when he regurgitated that line "you know I could lay down a big line and we could do a lot of role-playing....... but I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you."  The flaw was not the words, it was him saying the words because that is not who he was.  Well it might have been that he said "make love" which sounds so wimpy (should have said "do the nasty")!  And so instead of getting laid he got slapped!  SNAP!

You know now I'm thinking of that one note I wrote to Ms Northern Exposure.  Thinking of all that Shakespeare stuff I seem to recall that dude said something to the affect "to thine own self be true."

Hey wait, now I'm thinkin' maybe we did learn something!

Here is the thing on AM.  Any sap who can type out a few good lines can get a decent (and by decent I mean about 1:5) amount of responses.  But if the lady is into Opera and kink and your idea of kinky entertainment is grabbing that hot chicks tits in the nacho line at the Big and Rich concert then at some point you are going to hit a stalemate.  Best to be yourself.  It may lower your success rate from 1:5 to 1:20 but as they say in selling homes and getting jobs you only need to get lucky once, best to make it on your terms!

Chicks dig "turnkey!"
But also remember getting one response from AM is not all that hard.  Translating that one "you're funny, why are you here?" to a vineyard tour that leads to an extended indoor afternoon picnic at the Inn in Little Washington takes a little more skill.  I kind of go back to that Mr. Rourke image here.  You see Mr. Rourke is a little mysterious, you're not sure what you are in for.  But he is a charming, dapper, happy, soothing dude that makes it so easy to say yes.  And more importantly he is all about the "turn-key" which is what you have to do guys.  Yes fire up that car and do some drivin' and some planning and make it easy on the lady.  Drinks at that place she's been wanting to visit but never has, that one in the next town over close enough but not too close.  Yeah that's it.

But to get there you need a hook, something that connects you to her in a meaningful fascinating way that is a little bit more than a shared enjoyment of Grey's Anatomy.  A little humor never hurts either.

In the case of my ladies of course I didn't meet any of them but we did carry on our conversations a bit longer.

Ms Green Eyes called me out a bit for insulting her old Alma Mater in one of my Bowl Game Analysis prediction posts.  Hint here - Ryan is no Sub but I love it when a lady is confident enough to give me a little bit of a "razzing!"  When you screw up in that way it's a great way to be a little self-deprecating.  In my case I told her she should have "called me out on that!"  See ladies figure guys are going to say a lot of *ull *hit and they appreciate it when we know that we do.  Anyway that left the door open for me to say I knew a little bit about her school and a little bit about her part of the country.  We mentioned a few places in her area we both liked.  By the end she may have still thought me arrogant and a bit of an ass for saying what I did about her Alma Mater but she may well have wanted to tell me her disdain to my face - which of course would have been a plus because getting face to face any way possible is the ultimate goal right?!

Ms Northern Exposure and I had a conversation about Nine Inch Nails and how Reznor's lyrics are both sexy and threatening which mirrors well her desire for a little danger.

Sweet Southern Tea gave me a pass-key so I was able to enjoy her fabulour pics.  She is a real hottie but you know any guy can say "wow, babe - you have a great rack there.... my sausage would fit right in!"  No, while I'm sure any woman appreciates a man appreciating her "rack" if she does have a good "rack" you can bet she is used to having them appreciated by men.  I always go for the eyes and try to catch something out of the ordinary.  In Ms Tea's case she was wearing a brilliant sweater in the color of her favorite team with a wonderful pairing of big hooped earrings and necklace. I told her "that necklace is the perfect accompaniment to your long lovely neck..."  Yeah, trust me, if she has big tits she knows it but any lady wants to know you appreciate her taste.  And in Ms Tea's case it wasn't hard because she is super fine looking!  But Ms. Tea if you are reading I hate to tell you this but those Hairy Dogs did in fact "lick your Cocks!"  :)

VaLUVA was kind of easy.  Well, I mean it's not that she was is a slut it's just that I'm pretty familiar with her part of the world so we had a lot to talk about.  We are about the same age and I'm very familiar with where she went to college (been there many a time) so some good conversation about old haunts (and even past blog post since I mentioned her school in an FFF once).

SassyYankieLassie didn't write back to my original message.  Since she didn't I, of course, didn't assume it was because my note was awful so I played the typical "guy card" of going all passive aggressive and wrote to her gmail asking what was up.  She said she swooned!  Which basically means she is a wonderful lady willing to stroke the ego of a poor wayward blogger dude!

So I guess it's true "to thine own self be true!"  "Wanna know the rest?  Hey buy the rights!"  :)

Wait, I almost forgot one lady came to the party fashionably late.  Let's meet her as well!

Heartland Belle lives in the Midwest but loves the beach.  You know the ocean can be a frightening thing when you are not accustom to it, much like AM.  They are both lovely to look at and we are drawn to them as if by gravity.  And yet when you get to the edge you sense the power and the danger of the waves crashing in front of you.  You wish to dip your toes and experience the thrill of those waves moving over your body.  But you think to yourself what creatures lay beneath the murky waters; they say sharks live in them thar' waters!

I sensed this with Belle and knew a somewhat more "tender" message might be in order.  I have to admit as I was writing this a line from "the Outlaw Josie Wales" came to mind.  Josie the quite desperado (much like me) wooing the fare and timid young girl.

OH Heartland Belle,

Never fear I am here and I am your waiter so if you love sitting on the beach admiring the salty curls of those waves just call and I'll bring you some more boat drinks. For as Jimmy says (and I do to): "I'd like to go where the pace of life's slow, could you beam me somewhere Mr. Scott? Any 'ol place here on earth or in space you pick the century and I'll pick the spot!" So just think about those boat drinks and a handsome (not really) stranger who smiles and let's you know that jumping in head first is more fun when you are doing it with someone that feels like you've really known all along.

So what are those interests beyond those AM checks. Is there really more to life than "cottage country" and "good hygene?" Do tell, enquiring minds wish to know! ;)

You are right though you do live about as far from the beach as possible but maybe you can just click your heals and say "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore" and you can dream away.

But there are some dreamy spots in your lovely state. Dare I say I have enjoyed a sunset walk along the Kansas River after a good Italian dinner? That would be so lovely if it didn't take place in Jayhawk country but it did. Can you forgive me?  But it's nice in your part of the world as well.

So lovely of you to drop by! I've enjoyed spending a few characters thinking about our travels over the rainbow together or perhaps just a walk among the sunflowers where you can smell the sunshine!

How about a few characters back at me about those interests and your lovely life at the end of the rainbow!

Take Care,

So there you go - The Ashley Madison Project!  Now don't you think the world is a better place now!  :)

Doesn't relate but it is funny!
  More Fun Stuff:

Friday, September 6, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - For a Smile They Can Share the Night

So this post sort of contains a hint of something Ryan old and a bit of something Ryan new.  I have always been a sports guy; swimming year-around, baseball in the summer, basketball in the winter, with a sprinkle of tennis, golf, racquetball, etc.  The one thing about me is that in addition to loving to play I'm a bit geeky about sports.  When I was little I remember I would love to make up schedules for my favorite teams and then play out those imaginary games on my garage basketball court or in the back yard.  I would even write out the boxscores of my mythical games and keep stats of my favorite players.  Yeah creepy, I know.

Am I witty social commentary?
Well the other thing I've been thinking of recently is this.  As I have said I minored in English at Big State U.  I wrote for the old high school and college newspaper, etc.  My only slight regret is not doing something with writing.  In fact I recently told another blogger that my secret dream for my next life is to be a freelance writer for Vanity Fair producing random commentary on politics, sports, food, lifestyle, etc.  Of course considering that I write a sex blog without much sex I can't image how bad my lifestyle colume would be; probably like that little old food critic in South Dakota that went virale with her critique of Olive Garden.

Or just the dweeb keeping score?
Anyway, put those two odd-ball topics together and you get a post like this something Ryan old (making up imaginary profiles) and something Ryan new (witty social commentary, in my mind).  You see some of my favorite posts have been the faux posts where I craft a fictions AM profile from a character. For some creepy reason I enjoy imagining what Giselle's (from Everafter) AM profile might look like. Below I did so for that famed White House Party crasher Michaela Salahi.  This also allowed me to create some satirical humor with how she might envision her climb up the DC social ladder which allowed me to attempt to craft some witty humor that might fit into a piece.  IDK, at least that is what my ego told me.

I know, big ego - but it passes the time on a boring day you know!

And who can resist poking fun at the Salahis (and Dan Snyder)!  :)

Ryan's Repeat
from September 18th, 2011

Or the Ashley Madison Adventures of a DC Divorce Crasher

This blog is many things. Some decent music quotes, a few recipes, and few silly tales of a good guy gone bad. But because I am one of those Insider Washington Elitists who believes the world revolves around that corridor between DC and Boston I feel I owe it to all you folks to bring you stories of vital importance!

So I just want to get out ahead of this story below.

Under that category of "who would have believed it would happen to them" apparently the Salahis of White House party crashing fame are now getting a divorce (see below).

Now this story seems to indicate former Journey guitarist Neil Schon as the culprit for the break-up. Apparently she has returned to her former occupation of groupie (that was before she was a Redskins cheerleader alternate).

But just to forewarn you if you hear of any mystery NOVA guys Michaele may have met via the internet just turn the TV set off if they say anything about a Ryan Beaumont! You know how the DC liberal media can skew everything! :)

But then again, if I have any post down the road about DCPartyCrashHousewifey you may know where it's coming from.

In fact just the other day I did see the following profile on AM:

"Into crashing backstages now!"
Age: 45
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 127
Appearance: Fit

Preferences? Shopping for Jimmy Choos in Chevy Chase (the suburb that is not stealing women's shoes from the SNL star), Bistros in Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria

What Turns Me On? Aging stadium rock guitarists, the White House queso sauce, me in a Redskin's cheerleader outfit cheering for Chris Cooley. Looking as good as Michelle (I plan on being bff's with the FLotUS)

What am I Looking for? Somebody who is an invited guest and better yet the guy the party is for, I'm tired of crashing parties. Someone who has their own show so I don't have to share the camara with other ladies who think they are hotter than me and talk about my boobs behind my back! Dan Snyder to move to Dallas. But really I'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world wanting to take the train to anywhere!

* Authors Note: I just had to add the Dan Snyder sentence. :); Journey Groupie also checked everything except for Cottage Country and drug free! I guess if you're going to be a rock star groupie you have to make some exceptions for controlled substances!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

You Gotta Treat Her Like a Lady

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)
Part II (probably one more to go)
from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

 So some fun stuff so far but the fun is just beginning!  Today let's introduce three more ladies.  But first something to think about as we are navigating AM.  There is a certain type of lady that will actually meet a guy on AM.  And by that I'm not implying a slut (which would be a whole different conversation).  But in keeping that thought let's think about those title lyrics "treat her like a lady."  Well damn Ryan, of course you need to treat her like a lady.  But as Spinal Tap once said "there is a fine line between clever and stupid."

Wait Ryan I am completely confused now, you were talking about sluts and now your are quoting Spinal Tap?
Here is my meaning.  My "treat her like a lady" song today is not a frilly, frothy Lionel Richie "treat her like a lady," it's that hot, funky, groovy "treat her like a lady" with that FAT bass line and cool riffs by the Cornelius Brothers (see at the bottom).  You know that "treat her like a lady" type sound with the big hair, wild pimp-suits, sung by a guy who looks like Samual L. Jackson who is just slightly threatening but you just can't keep your eyes off of him because he's the coolest cat in the room!  Yeah sex with him is not going to sunshine and rainbows it's going to be a hot, sweaty mess but it's going to be something to remember.  Yeah, Samual is going to treat you like a lady just like Lionel but the ride might be a little wild and it will damn sure be CRAZA'!

So guys keep that in mind when you are writing.  That's a lady on the other end of that message (except in some cases when it's some dude trying to steal message ideas) so treat her like one but know that she still might want a little craza' in her life.  I mean, we ain't here to find a laundry foldin' partner are we?!

III.     MyVaLUVA - Ms. VaLUVA's caption is "checkin u out ;).  I felt so violated!  NOT!  I loved it, she immediately struck me as one of those forward, opinioned, disarming southern gals that I do so enjoy.  She mentioned that she wants to "flirt, luv, laugh..."  Further, she outlined that "there's something about the eye contact over a glass of wine.."  She went on to say "I'm much more interested in passion, intensity, and laughter and I bet I can make u share that sexy shy grin."

See this is where guys just don't get it.  They read that and then they click off a note like "hey you look interesting, check out my profile I'd like to get to know you better."  GONG, failure!  Ms VaLUVA has really given you an instruction manual on what to do.  Now you just have to follow the script to create the set design that drives the imagery she wants you to create.  And as I always keep in mind pretend you are Mr. Rourke and telling everyone "smiles everyone, smiles, smiles..," so keep it fun and light!  Note my allegorical referrence to the "World Most Interesting Man (below)."  You know a little self-depricating humor can be good sometimes.  Women like us to be confident but not overly cocky but they at least want to know that we know we are cocky if we are.  Also, whenever possible make that specific connection as if you guys really kind of know each other already and that discovering one another is just a matter of fate.

Hey Ms VaLUVA, Thanks for checking me out and yes I love to do a shy sexy grin for a lovely lady. I don't always do shy but when I do I like doing it for you! Just had to try for a "world most interesting man" analogy!

So I love to drive by your fair town. Yes I have been there many times. I have been able to keep my high school swimmer's body but my figure does belie my affinity for the fine fried chicken they have along with the world's cheapest gas at the ***** ***** just north of you on rt ***! Hey if you can't laugh about convenience store cuisine what can you laugh about, but I do luv it so! You said you like to laugh ya know!

So I have to give you an admission here now. I try oh so hard to be intellectual and distinguished but on a Sunday I do have a guilty pleasure and that is watching all that driving and left turning folks seem to like to do around your part of the country. And your place is the best at all that banging and bumping. Now that kind of sounds like a perfect afternoon in your lovely part of the world - a glass of wine, some ***** ***** chicken, a picnic (maybe even up to ***** Lake) and then some rubbin' and racin' (indoor style)! :)

And if you have to make me go distinguished I am always up for a journey to quaint old ***** County. Have you been to ******* Vineyard? A nice bottle of the ***** *** and a romantic frolic along the ******* River could be a lovely way to spend an afternoon on a crisp fall day. But I do have a test for you. You see you say you like witty and intelligent and I have two degrees from a disguished University in this fair state (yes the secret of Big State U is out). Does this make me distinguished though? Depending on your allegiance it could make me fascinating or churlishly uncooth. So what color do you like to match with ****** (you know ****** is the new pink they say)?  ****** or ****? Inquiring minds want to know! Have a wonderful day and take care, R      

IV.     Sweet Southern Tea - I have to admit this one is a bit jaded as Ms. Tea is a follower and I knew it and I knew she enjoys college football so I cheated and used targeted humor that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.

But she mentioned humor and she seemed very playful in her profile so I'm not sure I wouldn't have written something pretty similar anyways.  Then again I tend to look for opportunities to use Gamecock humor!  I kind of like the South Carolina Gamecocks as they tend to be like me, brazenly hubristic in spite of being historically mediocre!  :)

OK Ms Sweet Southern Girl I just had to write. Who can resist a Carolina girl when they take a peak at your profile. You know Carolina girls, best girls in the world. Particularly the South of the Border girls - so much nicer than those Tarheel ladies.

So want some kinky talk!

So how about it baby - how about you lick my Smelly Cock!

Their QB was Brad Smelly
Oh wait, now you might be thinking I'm talking about Gamecock football. Worse yet you might be a Clemson grad? Now I'ver really messed up. Wait, you said you like humerous as well.

So why did it take so long for the Tarheels to have a football website? Because they couldn't string 3 w's together! :)

OK so hopefully you get that I'm a pretty confident guy as well. And yeah, we are here because we just want an alternative third place to escape to once and awhile to forget home and work and just be! Be with someone fascinating, scintillating, captivating, and twitterpating! Hey I just had to add a Disney line from Bambi after that nasty, smelly line above just so you know I've got the gentle, emotional angle going as well.

So hope the sunshine is doing you well in the lovely Carolina's today.

Take Care,


V.     ClassySoxieLassie - First I must send out apologies to Bret Easton Ellis for stealing his mantra in this letter.  But I do have to hand it to Soxie for evoking Flo'tastic imagery with her caption "won't save you money on your insurance."  Ms. Classy mentions "a man and woman having fun....laughing, touching, finding what they can't get at home."  Oh Classy "laughing, touching, finding..," that sounds like such a Journey song.  Let me be your Steve Perry, I look so good in sideburns, tight pants, and singing like a woman!  Classy mentions that she is demure, she says she is looking to be appreciated, and to smile.  She does mention food which is good for me since I'm such a foodie.

So what I'm thinking here is one turnkey adventure to some serious spoilage.  And by spoilage I mean spoil her not that I'm going to take her to like the dump!  No Soxie needs a getaway, you know "making love on the dunes on the cape" kind of stuff.  Then again that sounds beyond my reach so I then it hit me like a rock, a zen-like pursuit that involves our mutual loves - cuisine.  And there you go!  Adventure is so much more fun when you can do it with a compatriot.

So my Classy Lassie, some men scale Mt Everest, some men search for the perfect wave at the end of the Endless Summer (how's that for deep).

Me, I used to work at a little restaurant back in the day in college that served (almost) the most perfect Clam Chowder and I always equated fall Friday's with Clam Chowder.  My venture to self actualization charts a starboard course towards the world's best cup of Clam Chowder.

I have searched many years and through many states for the perfect bowl.  Many have come close, sadly all have failed.

And then one day I realized that the perfect bowl of Clam Chowder is as much a myth as the Endless Summer.  It simply doesn't exist.

And yet it does in the mythology of one's mind.  It exists at the end of an afternoon drive out to the Cape or dare I say a long trek up to Maine.  And it only exists nestled next to a charming demure and sassy lady who makes the journey worthwhile.  Yes the perfect bowl of Clam Chowder doesn't go anywhere in particular.  It only matters that we are going for it.

So some men scale Mt Everest, some men search for the perfect wave, some men try to lure and attract a lovely lady with some smooth line.  I draw some fung shei alligorical analogy of how the search for clam chowder leads to a mystical adventure to a far off place.

Oh well, that's how I roll!  You did say you like upbeat and humorous - be careful what you ask for!

But for real picture a "peaceful, easy, feeling" driving along route 6 out to the Cape (hey I just had to add some lyrics to our day in our alternative third place)!

Have a great day!

Take Care,


So that's 5 ladies and 5 notes.  But as I've know it's not too hard to get a response back, what get's you a face to face is what comes after.  It's those all important 2nd and 3rd AM notes that lead to e-mail addresses that lead to phone numbers that lead to a drink after work that lead to a room at the local HoJo that leads to...

Well that's enough for a holiday, let's pick this up next week for some of those all important "take aways" and maybe we'll introduce one more lady who dropped in fashionably late to the party!